About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - About a Duck - full transcript

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

What are you doing?

Uh, well, certain
financial realities

are starting to settle in,

so I am making some serious
lifestyle changes here.

Usually I spend about
300 bucks a pop

on pre-distressed denim,

but I can easily just do
it myself, as you can see.

Wait, you spend $300
on destroyed jeans?

Not destroyed. You know what?

I'm not gonna even
explain to you



the subtleties of urban fashion.

And oh, my God.

Are you going to pick up
your son from school,

or are you performing
in a slutty nutcracker?

I don't know what you're...
what does that mean?

If I were trying to
look a bit alluring,

would this be a good
look, would it?

I know what's going on.

♪ You like a boy ♪

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I bet it's that frilly
teacher of Marcus'

who was all up in
your pantaloons

at Marcus' play.

Am I right? Am I right?



- Am I right?
- Oh, God, yes, you're right.

Good for you.

Put it out there, you
little strumpet.

I have been putting it out
there ever since we kissed.

You guys have kissed? Eww!

God, you're so annoying.

Why don't you just ask him out?

I can't do that.

I can't ask him out. I'm a girl.

I think it's sexy when
a girl asks me out.

It means she's confident.

Well, okay. I can be confident.

- Yeah, you can.
- Yeah, I can...

- I can go for what I want.
- You can go for what you want.

I can exude a luscious,
sexual energy

no man can resist.

That is so gross.
We are done here.

Here we go.

I'd say if you want to focus
on the other two paragraphs,

probably be a good bet, okay?

- Good job.
- Chris.

- Fiona, hi.
- Hi.

I was wondering if you'd like
to go out with me sometime.

Oh, I...

Oh, no, of course you don't.
No, it's fine.

It's fine, it's fine. Of
course, I understand.

Obviously a man, if he
wants to ask a woman out,

he asks her out,

so I'm terribly sorry
for putting you

in this awkward position,

and thanks for letting
me down gently.

- Good day.
- Fiona.

I have wanted to ask you
out ever since we kissed.

I've been reticent to do
so because I don't want

to overstep my bounds, being
Marcus' teacher and all.

- You did want to ask me out?
- Yes, very, very much.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But since you asked me
out, I'm stepping up.

I'm planning everything. Are
you free tomorrow night?

Tomorrow? Um...

Yes, tomorrow.

Are you okay?

No, I just have to go and
see someone about...

this thing keeps
happening with my eyes.

It's wet eye syndrome.

I'm sorry.

Dakota. Hey.

Just giving the old bimmer
a little bath there.

- Yeah.
- Oh, shirt got a little wet.

- Whoopsie.
- I see that.

Fiona's just waiting
for me to do yoga,

so, namaste.

Hey, a little bit piece of
trivia crossed my mind.

Your year of abstinence,
that's coming to end

right about now, isn't it?

Not that I had a Google
calendar alert set or anything.

- Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah.

My nomadic year just ended,

and I feel really good about it,

like I finally understand
my true worth as a woman.

That's awesome.

I'd really love to
hear more about that.

Do you want to come
over tomorrow night?

I want to be wooed, Will.

Well, I'm the master of woo.

You've never even asked
me out on a real date.

- That can't be right.
- That is exactly right.

Okay, well, then fair enough.

Listen, I'm gonna
upgrade our booty call

to a woo-Ty call.

What?

I was combining the booty with...
never mind.

Tomorrow night, you
are coming over,

and I am going to woo

the crap out of you.

Fine, you get one night.

Stop looking at my butt.

Okay.

- You cried?
- Yeah.

See, I don't understand.

If he said yes, why
were you crying?

I don't know.

It's been a long time
since a man looked at me

the way he looks at me or
planned a date for me.

He makes me so nervous,

I'm gonna do
something mortifying

and tank this date.

No.

Unless you come with me.

Yeah, that way, you know,

if I'm gonna do
something mortifying,

like blubbering,
you could stop me.

Of course, of course.
When's your date?

- Tomorrow night.
- Pardon the intrusion.

But I just wanted to give
you a little pre-woo

of the woo-nami coming
your way tomor-woo night.

Did you say tomorrow night?

No, I said tomor-woo night.

I'm adding "woo" to stuff.

It's really not that
charming at all.

We're all going on a double
date tomorrow night.

Isn't that gonna be so fun?

So fun.

We are not going
on a double date.

That beautiful woman has
spent an entire year

coiling herself
into a tight spring

of sexual frustration,

and I will be damned if
I let some other dude

bounce her first.

- Reschedule right now.
- No!

Chris has already planned
a beautiful evening.

It's a hike to a picnic.

Oh, a hike to a picnic!

All right, look, we're
both adults here.

This is ridiculous. We
can coexist on a date.

- We just need ground rules.
- Okay, fine.

If I'm making a move on Dakota,
you stay out of my way.

Got it.

Rule, don't make
fun of my clothes.

Don't comment on my
game with Dakota.

Don't make fun of my hair.

Once you're all
comfortable with Chris,

you cut Dakota and I loose.

Don't make fun of my jewelry.

Blanket rule, I won't
make fun of you.

Okay, good.

Okay, those earrings look like
creepy, tiny, weird hands.

You're basically a
vapid walking haircut.

I just had to get that
out of my system.

Yeah, me too.

Hey.

Look at this. Better
call the booty police.

- Don't.
- Got to say,

this pregnancy, it's
really filling you out

in all the right places.

- Hello, Andy.
- Marcus.

Kind of let me get a
little more of that out

than you probably should have.

Yeah, it was uncomfortable
for me too.

- What's he doing here?
- Fiona's busy.

So I said Marcus could spend
the evening here with us.

Well, a heads up would be nice.

Ha, it's gonna be great.

- It's been too long, buddy.
- What do you mean?

- I saw you yesterday.
- You did?

When you says "see,"
he means "see"

in, like, a broader sense,

so like, "I see a
vision of world peace."

That's what he means.

No, I mean I saw you yesterday,

'cause you were playing
video games with Will.

Remember?

You kept screaming, "I am
the lord of hand grenades!"

You were supposed to be
minivan shopping yesterday.

I was minivan
shopping yesterday.

I was doing research.

Ooh, that was a major
DTL, wasn't it?

- Marcus.
- What's a DTL?

Well, DTL is "don't
tell Laurie."

Now that I hear it out loud,

DTL itself may be a DTL.

Was that only five miles?

It seemed a lot shorter.

I saw a couple nice
coyotes there.

They looked friendly.

All right, who is ready
for some bubbly?

Ooh, me.

Let's see if I remember
how to do this correctly.

One, two...

- There we go.
- Ooh!

Okay.

Do you always drink
before you hike?

Only on the special hikes.

- Thank you.
- There we are.

Here's to a perfect date.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

- That is delicious prosecco.
- Care for pro-seconds?

Look at that, they're
getting along great, right?

They both have the same
terrible sense of humor.

What do you say we bag the hike

and go do our own
romantic thing, right?

You know, leave the two nerds
with their prosecco puns.

Come on, it'll be fun. We
got me, you, the sunset.

I have to check
with Fiona, okay?

Will, help me gather
some firewood?

So it looks like things
are going great.

Yeah, no, I-I think they are.

How about Will and
I skip the hike

and give you two
some alone time?

Yeah, I think... I think
that would be okay.

And the prosecco is really
taking the edge off my anxiety.

Oh, masking your
feelings with alcohol.

- I'm so proud of you. Cheers.
- Great.

Okay. Have a blast!

Okay. Oh, wait.

Just one big thing.

If there's a lull in
the conversation,

I'm good to get out the
trusty uke, right?

No, you can't uke
on a first date.

You can't uke on any date.
Promise me.

- I can't promise that.
- Please.

All right, firewood.

Promise me.

Who is ready to get
their hike on?

- Actually...
- um, we're gonna...

I'm ready for us... all
four of us to go hiking,

all four of us together.

- Great.
- Okay, okay.

She's got a ukulele in her bag.

- A ukulele, Will!
- So?

She always has a uke.

You just broke the rule.
I was making a move.

What? I'm not ready
to be left alone.

My rule trumps your rule.

What are you... we never
talked about trumps.

They're getting away!

Why are you talking
about trumping?

Here, and I don't want
to hear any complaining.

I get noodles and no sauce.

I get plain sauce, no noodles.

I can't keep track
of what you guys...

honey, do you see what
they're doing right now?

You know what?

You'll have this one, and
you'll have this one,

and everybody has what
they want, right?

Wow, Laurie, you're
good with kids.

A real natural.

Why is Andy the one
who stays home?

Well, Marcus, Laurie
loves her work.

That's why Andy stays at home.

Okay, actually, it's
not that simple.

I don't love working
60 hours a week

and never seeing my kids.

But you do love going
to a quiet office

every single day,

where everyone wipes themselves.

- I know I would like that.
- It's true.

I once heard Andy tell Will
that letting you have a career

was the toughest
decision he ever made.

- This guy.
- Oh, letting me have a career.

Hey...

Did Andy also tell Will

that leaving my children
every day rips my heart out?

The way I'm gonna rip his
heart out right now.

All right, guys. Careful.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

- Wow.
- All right.

Hey! Dead end.

Let's head back, get some eats.

You know, it doesn't
look so bad.

Let me just check this out.
Be careful.

- Here, milady.
- Ooh.

- Grab hold. There you go.
- Ooh, thank you.

- He is so chivalrous.
- He's a pun with a stick.

You can hold onto the
stick the whole way.

Okay.

I'm gonna go first.

A gentleman always goes first.

- Here you go, man.
- I'm good.

Are you sure?

Those dress shoes don't
really look like

they were made for hiking.

I'll have you know
these dress shoes

are Italian designer
Chukka Boots,

and they are
military-inspired, my friend.

Military-in...

This is a bit excessive,
don't you think?

- I can walk.
- No need to be a hero, Will.

You know, after university,

I hiked the Great
Lakes of Kashmir,

and it was wonderful up
until the hookworms,

and they're sneaky little buggers...
hookworms...

because I didn't
notice how distended

and bloated my
abdomen had become

until you get the painful,
endless, bloody diarrhea...

I'm gonna go use mother
nature's powder room.

- You care to join me?
- No.

Come on, Fiona. Let's
go to the bathroom.

- Okay.
- Okay, come on.

Diarrhea?

I kept thinking, "don't
talk about hookworms.

Don't talk about
hookworms," and somehow,

I'm talking about hookworms.

Okay, first dates are tough.

I've found that it helps
just to be super agreeable.

Whatever he says,
just go with it.

If he likes eggnog,
you like eggnog.

I don't like eggnog.

But you can say you like it
to make Chris feel good.

Isn't that really dishonest?

Oh, honey, no one's
honest on a first date.

That's how you get
to a second date.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Okay, I can do that.
- No, no, but...

- Um, Chris.
- Yeah?

- Do you like eggnog?
- Not so much.

Neither do I.

All right, so I read Alex if
you give a mouse a cookie,

and I read Madison if you
give a moose a muffin,

and I finally got
Jonah to stop crying.

Something tells me

this isn't the
comfortable silence

of two lovers.

When conversation stalls, me
and mom play a game called

"I always wondered,"

and then we take turns
asking each other questions

we always wondered.

Laurie, I always wondered

how you and Andy met.

He was in a pre-law class.

Wow, see? That's interesting.

Andy wanted to be a lawyer.

I didn't know that.

Well, neither did I,
but apparently he did.

I didn't want to be a lawyer.

I only took the class

because I had a crush
a cute girl in it.

Alison Alpert?

Everybody loved her and
her stupid shiny hair.

It wasn't Alison Alpert.

There was a really
smart, adorable brunette

that always gave me a hard time.

You remember her?

Oh.

- It's me, isn't it?
- Yes.

It's you.

It's always been you.

All right, first course,
grilled artichokes.

Or alcachofas, as
they say in españa.

I hope you like herb mayonnaise.
I make my own.

- I adore mayonnaise.
- Really?

Yeah, isn't that what you
call heart attack cream?

What's that sticking out
of your pocket, Will?

Oh, it's so many condoms.

Very romantic.

Chris, the artichoke
looks really good.

Yeah, I picked up the
recipe in Barcelona.

I was teacher a group of
homeless kids basketball.

- It's my favorite sport.
- Oh, it's mine too.

- Oh.
- What your favorite team?

You know, my love of the sport
actually transcends teams.

I've always been kind
of a Knicks guy myself.

But, you know, if I had to pick,

I would pick the Knicks.

- Oh, nice.
- Nice.

- Who's your favorite player?
- What color are Dakota's eyes?

- What color is a basketball?
- What's Dakota's last name?

Okay.

Time for my piece de resistance.

I have been curing this

in my oak roasting
cabinet for two weeks.

This is Mr. Chris' world-famous

two-week peking duck.

Oh! Bravo.

- Bravo.
- She looks beautiful.

You do like duck, don't you?

- It's my favorite.
- What would you like?

You want a wing or a leg?

Ooh, that's Sophie's
choice right there.

Take your time with that one.

So hard to choose a body part

when they're both so
scrumptious, isn't it?

You know, let me get
my carving knife

while you think about it.

Have you guys ever read

that wonderful children's
book make way for ducklings,

where the mama duck, you know,

leads her baby ducks
across the street?

You got to wonder where those
baby ducks are right now.

Probably swimming around a pond,

wondering where their little
mommy quacked off to,

screaming for them.

Mama! Mama, mama!

I can't! I can't!

No!

Oh, God.

How far can a dead duck fly?

Fiona, what are you...

what are you doing? Why
were you sabotaging me?

You have officially destroyed
any chance I had with Dakota.

Oh, no, what will you do?
Oh, I know.

You'll just go and shag the
next girl you lay eyes on,

because that's what you do,

and I'm not like you.

This never happens to me, Will.

I really like him.

Well, if you like him,

then why don't you just
be yourself around him?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's 'cause I live
next door to someone

who's constantly telling
me how weird and annoying

and repulsive I am.

- Fiona...
- Just forget it, Will.

You're not annoying or
weird or repulsive.

You're smart, and you're kind,

and you're beautiful.

- What?
- Not to me.

No, I want... I want to be
very clear on this thing.

You know, you are not my
thing on so many levels.

Yeah, no, I get it.

But it's like, you know,

when you see a movie and
you're totally not into it,

but you understand that
it's an awesome movie,

like The English Patient.

You know, I think...

I think you're my
English patient,

and I think you deserve
to win all the awards.

I love that film.

Just help me find the
bloody duck, will you?

Okay.

I mean, you have to
admit that it is

a really boring movie.

It's hard to get through.

I'm gonna find the duck.
Gonna get the duck.

Chris, I found your duck.

It's got a bit of moss on it,

but you could probably
eat around that bit.

Look, there's something
clearly going on

between you and your neighbor.

I'm guessing not over me.

It's really none of my business.

- I don't have wet eye syndrome.
- Huh?

The other day when
I asked you out,

I said I had wet eye syndrome,

but I don't.

It's not even a real syndrome.

I didn't think so.

I cried because I'm weird.

Also, I don't know
anything about basketball,

and I loathe mayonnaise.

And I don't like duck

or any other meat,
for that matter.

But I do like you,

so much so that I brought
my friends with me,

you know, to try and
stop me being weird.

That ship sailed.

I'd really just
prefer to be myself.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, God.

She's gonna uke.

Fiona. Fiona.

♪ And the seasons ♪

♪ They go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted
ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're captive on a carousel ♪

♪ Of time ♪

Oh, God, is he going
for his car keys?

Yeah, I can't look,
but I also...

I can't look away.

♪ And go round and
round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪ And the seasons ♪

♪ They go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted
ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're captive on a
carousel of time ♪

- That is so romantic.
- Weird.

- What?
- Nothing.

I love this song. It's like...

so beautiful.

♪ And go round and
round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

So did you have fun
at Andy and Laurie's?

Oh, it was fun.

I mean, a little bit exhausting

keeping that sinking
ship afloat.

You know how I always
wish for a bigger family?

- Yeah.
- I'm done with that.

I think you and me is perfect,

you know, just the two of us.

Who's that?

Oh, it's nothing.

What was that?

Oh, that was a house cat.

- I can't do this.
- No, no, no, no, Dakota!

Dakota, please! Please!

The house cat went back inside.

Whoa!