About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - About a Balcony - full transcript

Oh, man, this is beautiful!

Thank you very much.

Starting a soda company, are we?

Ah, Fiona, you know, when you
use the word "we" like that,

it just makes me wanna... ah!

Ooh, what did you do?

Breakaway glass bottles.

I just got all my supplies for
this epic Three Stooges marathon

they're airing on channel 905.

Shouldn't you really
be cutting back

on your cable package



until your royalty
checks come in again?

You don't understand, Fiona.

I am introducing Marcus

to the greatest comedy
trio of all time.

No, I think you are forgetting the
long-running British comedy series,

Last of the Summer Wine.

- Please...
- They're in the pub, they...

Before you talk, ask yourself,
"does anyone present

actually want to hear
what I'm about to say?"

Great news, everybody.

Mrs. Holstein's
osteoarthritis got so bad,

she couldn't keep teaching.

Darling, that's terrible.

I know, it's just that



they replaced her with the
coolest teacher ever.

His name is Mr. Chris, and he
makes English class so fun.

Last year, he canoed
through Botswana

in a boat he carved
from a cedar log.

He has a scar from where a
warthog tried to gore him.

And he says I have
the soul of a poet.

- Aw.
- I mean, usually,

it's just my mom that
compliments me on my soul.

Oh, I haven't even told
you guys the best part.

We're putting on an evening of
famous Shakespeare scenes...

And Mr. Chris cast me to play
Romeo in the balcony scene!

- Hey, hey, lover boy.
- Oh, that is so great.

Marcus and I have been
reciting the balcony scene

from Romeo and Juliet
since he was about four.

That's disgusting.

Oh, and, Will,

I told him you'd make the
balcony set for my scene.

Oh, uh, you know, I'm a
little swamped here.

Getting ready for a
Stooge-Athon, dude.

But I already told everybody
about the epic tree house

you built me.

It is pretty epic.

Pretty epic?

Look at that cherry
red zigzag trim.

Nobody can build like you, Will.

Marcus, I know what
you're doing, all right?

And flattery will
get you everywhere.

- I'm on it.
- Yes!

All right, well, let's hear a
bit of your Shakespeare then.

All right.

Juliet you're looking
hotter than the sun,

come on down from that
balcony, let's have some fun.

Jules, you're my lady,
my lovie, my boo.

I want you to know, I
want to be with you.

Wicka-wicka! What?

And Mr. Chris taught
you that, did he?

Yeah.

Oh, that is very
satisfying, isn't it?

Yeah. It's my religion.

Here we go.

About a Boy - 02x06
"About a Balcony"

Hello, uh, I'm
Marcus's mother Fiona.

Just a minute.

And I really have an
issue with the way

that you're teaching, or should I
say, butchering William Shakespeare.

Yeah.

Wow. Pre-handshake insult.
Impressive.

Um, hi.

I'm Chris.

Hello. Yeah, uh...

So, the... the words of
William Shakespeare...

- Right.
- Have endured for 400 years.

He's perhaps the greatest
writer in history.

So, I'd quite like you to
explain what gives you,

"Mr. Chris," the
authority to rewrite

one of the greatest
writers that's ever been.

Okay, first of all,

I love the guy as
much as you do.

It's not like I'm saying I'm a
better writer than our boy shakes.

Oh, but you think you
should spread that love

by teaching impressionable
young children

that his words are
actually irrelevant?

No, it's just that I think that
when it comes to shakes...

Will you just let Marcus
do the original version

of Romeo and Juliet?

He already knows the scene

and we've been
performing it together

since he was in diapers.

Look, I get it.

You're a single mom, it's
just you and Marcus.

It's scary for you to
let him try something

that's out of your comfort zone.

No, no, it's not
scary, it's blasphemy.

And how do you know that
I'm a single mother?

You regularly act out scenes

about star-crossed
lovers with your son.

It's kind of a dead giveaway.

Look, I've really got to run.

I'm not gonna let Marcus
do the original scene.

What? What? No, wait.
W-w-w-what?

I'm happy to discuss it
further if you'd like.

How about tomorrow night?
Raphael's at 6:00?

Okay, okay, yes, yes, okay.

Great, I look forward to it.

Well, you shouldn't
because I'm not finished,

and let me remind you,

"a fool thinks
himself to be wise,

but a wise man knows
himself to be a fool."

William Shakespeare.

"The empty vessel makes
the loudest sound."

Willy Shakes.

I'm not empty.

- Fiona!
- Oh, hi, Dakota.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Good, really good.

- Yeah?
- Amazing, actually.

I'm still doing my
sex-free nomadic year.

And how's that
working out for you?

So good.

I feel so in touch
with the universe.

Like right now...

I notice the smell of the air,

the breeze on my legs.

It's almost like a man
is caressing my calves,

slowly moving his
strong hands up my...

Oh, God, there he is.

- What?
- God, look at him.

He is so...

- Ugh, gorgeous.
- Arrogant.

- What?
- What are you talking about?

What? Come on, look at him.

I'd dip my chip
in that man guac,

if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

I wonder what he smells like.

He smells like Eau
De Pompous Moron.

He's making the kids do

"rap Shakespeare." Ridiculous.

I'm meeting him at Raphael's
later on to tell him,

- you know, what I actually...
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What? What? What?

You're going on a date with the
hottest teacher in school?

No, ah! It's a
parent-teacher thing.

After school hours
at a wine bar?

Just promise me you'll
put on something sexy

under that oversized
iroquois priestess cardigan

you always wear.

That way, when things
take a romantic turn,

you can lose a layer
and be date ready.

I know the garment that
you're referring to.

It's a sacagawea
inspired cowl neck...

Look at me. Just promise me.

Even if it was a date,
which it isn't,

how would I know?

Okay, you ready?

Date.

If he has lost the tie
and gone open collar,

Date.

Date.

- God, I miss dating.
- Mmm.

And by dating, I mean sex.

So, in Hamlet,

Bernardo and Marcellus are
terrified of a ghost.

I've never met a ghost.
Have any of you?

But we've all been scared
of something, right?

Well, this Russian dude
named Stanislavski,

he said that when you're
acting, it's important to draw

from your own experiences

so we can actually
channel real emotion.

So, if I was playing Bernardo,

I would think of a time
when I was terrified...

Like when I was climbing
Kangchenjunga in Nepal,

and all of a sudden, an
avalanche came out of nowhere!

- What did you do?
- There was no time to think.

The earth was crumbling
from under my feet!

I leaped over the fault
line, grabbed onto a tree

as the earth fell
away beneath me!

It's all right.
You're safe here.

Thanks, Marcus.

Hey, maybe a little
less watching Marcus,

a little more balcony
building, please.

This guy is not so great, right?

I mean, he seems like
a real try-hard.

- Trying way too hard.
- Yeah, try harder.

I mean, sure, he's really
invested in the lives

of all of his students and
he's really well read,

he's well traveled.

If I had smaller ears,

I'd have that haircut
in a second.

Will you just shut up, dude?

Go work on the back
of the balcony.

- I'm just saying he's handsome.
- Shut up.

So I want you guys to go
and practice your scenes

and really try and channel some
emotion from your real lives.

Okay? Go to it.

All right.

Oh, hey, Shea. What
are you doing here?

Work detention.

Apparently you're not
allowed to paint

"this is a locker"
on your locker.

You're so existential.

Yep.

Oh, hey, Mr. Chris, I wanted
you to meet my friend, Will.

Sure.

Ahh, finally.

My two favorite men
meeting face to face.

- How you doing? Will.
- Mr. Chris.

I'll go with Chris, you
know, since I'm a grown-up.

Oh, uh, Mr. Chris,
Will is the guy

who wrote "Runaway Sleigh,"

and now he gets to spend his
days doing whatever he wants.

What can I say? I'm blessed.

Wow. Good for you.

I mean, I'd go crazy
doing nothing all day.

But hey, to each his own, right?

Yeah, I don't do
nothing, you know?

I actually have a
very busy, busy life.

He's in 11 fantasy
football leagues.

Busy.

By the way, who cuts your hair?

Do it myself.

Listen, I'm glad you
met Marcus here

and he's injected some
purpose into your life.

You know, I see you're
going for the small,

minimalist approach
to the balcony.

Did you have a chance to
look at my director's notes?

Because Romeo and Juliet should
feel emotionally connected

but physically separated,
and the balcony

really needs to provide
that obstacle.

You know, Will, if
you need any help,

Mr. Chris once built
a cabin in Carmel,

and he didn't even
use any nails.

Just tongue and groove.
He's the coolest.

Yeah, uh, actually this is
just the balcony foundation.

The balcony itself is gonna
be much, much bigger.

Great, we'll leave
you guys to it.

- Great.
- Bye, guys. Bye, Shea.

We're making a bigger balcony.

What?

What are you looking at?

Fiona, hi.

Please, sit.

Look, I realize I probably

didn't explain myself
well yesterday.

- I'll say.
- It's not exactly easy

to get 12-year-olds hyped
about Shakespeare,

so I modernize the
language at first.

And then once they get
excited about the stories

and they start really
getting into it,

we move our way up to
the original text.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, but please, don't tell them. I
like it to be a horrible surprise.

Your secret's safe with me.

Have you been here before?
They got a great wine list.

Wine? Yeah, um...

Uh, no, I'll look, you order.

Uh, can I get a glass of hot
water with lemon, please?

I'll have an iced tea please.

So something tells me
you've studied Shakespeare.

Uh, I was in Midsummer
Night's Dream at university.

Helena?

Yes.

Excuse me.

Can I change that water to a
glass of the house cabernet?

We're all adults here.

Yeah, I'll have the same.

Ooh!

Well, I gotta be
careful around you.

A woman who can hurl
Shakespearian insults

is a dangerous thing.

Oh, well, you were pretty
quick with your retorts.

I think you can handle it.

I'm sorry about that.

Um, you are the opposite
of an empty vessel.

Ah.

Um, so...

Tell me more about, um...

Ah! You guys made it! Great.

Come on, everyone snuggle in.
Huddle in.

Uh, you know, a few of the
other parents were concerned

about the performance,
so I figured,

why don't we all get
together and talk about it?

- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.

Hi, Marie.

You were in a court,
not Clancy's poolroom.

- Sit down!
- I'm a victim of circumstance.

Hey, uh, what are you
doing there, bud?

You're kind of
interrupting the hilarity.

I'm just practicing the vocal warm-ups Mr.
Chris taught us today.

I'm just so excited
about the play,

it's really hard to
focus on anything else.

Well, let's try, all right, bud?

I'm sorry, Will. I'm
ruining it for you.

I'm just gonna go
home and rehearse.

No, no, we were gonna
watch it together, man.

I'm trying to teach
you some culture,

and I feel like all you want
to talk about is Shakespeare.

It's just Mr. Chris says
my diction is sloppy,

and I don't have a lot of time
left before the show tonight.

And Mr. Chris says television
is an opiate of the masses.

I'm sorry, Will, but I gotta
go home and practice.

Opiate of the masses?

Mr. Chris's mom is an
opiate of the masses.

So how was it?

94 other parents showed
up at the table.

It was definitely not a date.

Huh.

I'm really sorry, Fiona.

Oh, no, it's not your fault.

I did feel a bit of a connection
with him though when we were there.

Then I realized that he didn't,

and that it was
sort of ridiculous

for me to think he'd
be interested in me.

Well, it's his loss.

Yeah, yeah.

Does this mean I can
go out with him?

- No.
- Of course not.

- Mm-mm.
- I was clearly kidding.

Hey!

- Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
- Yeah, no.

Theater, not football.

I'm saying double, double,
toil and trouble.

How long before this
mess will bubble?

Am I crazy, or does
this witch number two

have the "It Factor"?

Do you see that cauldron?

It looks like it's
made out of cardboard.

Our balcony is gonna blow
that thing out of the water.

Can't wait to see Mr. Chris's
face when he sees it.

Me too.

I love that look he
gets when he's happy.

There's really nothing like it.

Oh, darling, I just wanted
to make sure your Romeo hat

was cocked correctly, and to
do our good luck handshake.

- Oh, I thought you forgot.
- Oh, no, never.

Nothing about this
is a handshake.

Your hands haven't even
touched, even once.

Okay, buddy, that's us.
All right.

- Hey, Andy, come here.
- Ah!

Come on! Why you doing that?

- Whoa, cool!
- Bloody hell.

I didn't know Juliet lived
in the Chrysler building.

Do you think we went
a little overboard?

No such thing.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Not so small and minimalist
now, is it, big boy?

Hey.

There's no way I'm
climbing that.

Look, I know it's tall.
Like, um...

Absurdly, insanely, "what
were you thinking?" tall.

But, it's... I'm sorry, Mr.
Chris, I'm out.

Ah!

Well, she's a real
diva, isn't she?

I guess we're gonna have to
cancel the grand finale.

No, no. Nobody panic.

I'll do it!

I will, uh, play Juliet.

Okay.

Now, Marcus, I don't know Mr.
Chris's version.

So we'll have to do it
as Shakespeare wrote it,

and God intended.

Wow. Uh... places. Come
on, what's the matter?

There's this little voice
inside my head saying,

"don't go out in front
of your entire school

and do a love scene
with your mother."

It is I, Juliet.
Awaiting her Romeo.

I hope he gets here in a minute.

Woo!

How camest thou hither,
tell me, and wherefore?

The Orchard walls are
high and hard to climb,

and this place death,
considering who thou art,

if my kinsmen find thee here.

With love's light wings did
I o'erperch these walls,

for stony limits
cannot hold love out.

And what love can do,
that dares love attempt.

Therefore thy kinsmen
are no stop to me.

And but thou love me,
let them find me here.

What the hell is he doing?

He's not supposed to climb it!

You read the director's notes?
I read the director's notes.

The guy said read the director's notes.
Everybody did it.

- Oh.
- Oh, oh...

Oo, ah!

What are you doing?

Help! Oh, Will.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Uh, it is I, the craftsman,

here to hath help
with your climb.

Craftsman, be gone.

Be gone and let the
star-crossed lovers resume

their forbidden courtship.

Yes, be gone,
craftsman, be gone.

But I must reinforce thine
tower so thou Romeo

doesn't fall and
become paralyzed.

Well, if the craftsman
had done his job

as he was supposed to,
it seems the tower

would stand like a pillar

and not wobble like a
Willow in the wind.

Well, if Romeo was a
small middle school boy

as he was supposed to be,

and not a growneth man who eats
too many potato-ith skins,

we might not have this problem!

Craftsman, make thyself
bloody scarce.

Don't you think if it
was up to the craftsman

that he'd be pre... pretty much
anywhere else in the world

- right now.
- Ah! Ah!

Do you really think this
is the craftsman's idea

of a good time?

Here, give me your leg.

- Whoa!
- Aah!

Oh! Aah!

Aah!

I begged him to use more nails.

- Unh!
- Oh.

Ah! The craftsman is very sorry.

Going to kill you.

You know, I'm sorry buddy,
that, uh, did not go well.

It's all right, it
could've been a lot worse.

- How?
- Maybe a fire.

All right, everyone, listen up.

I am going to take the
entire cast out for pizza

to celebrate a terrific,
albeit unusual, production.

Get changed out
of your costumes,

meet me in the lobby in 10.

- Yes! Catch you later, Will.
- All right, bud.

How much work
detention did you get

for spray painting one locker?

It may have been slightly
more than one locker.

It also may have been the
principal's electric car.

Mm.

How'd it feel watching two
grown men fight over you?

- Huh?
- I think your skinny-jeaned

man friend is a little
threatened by your new best bud.

You think Will is jealous
of me and Mr. Chris?

It's like Freud says,

a big tower is never
just a big tower.

Hey.

What's up? I thought you
were going to pizza.

Nah, I decided I'd rather
head home with you.

Yo, maybe we could heat up
some Larry-aki chicken?

Get our stooges on?

Uh, what about Mr. Chris?

He's great and all, but he's not...
us, you know?

Yeah.

All right, well, then
let's get out of here.

We got about a hundred bottles
to break over our heads.

All right, I'll go home
and get my helmet.

You don't need a helmet,
man, they don't hurt.

I have a very sensitive
skull, Will.

Sometimes even my
beanie makes me sore.

But I suffer for fashion.

Yeah. I think it's time we
talked about that fashion.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Are you all right?

Battle wound. Well,
balcony wound.

I'm sorry that my stupid
neighbor ruined our scene.

Well the play ends
with a double suicide,

so all things considered, it
could have been a lot worse.

Yeah.

Um, I'm not sure
what's happening.

Um, in the cafe, I thought
I felt something,

and then I think I was wrong.

And then, in that scene,

that felt real,

and it's probably just
because it's Shakespeare

and he is the greatest
writer who ever lived

and had...

It was real. At least for me.

I gotta take a group of seventh
graders out for pizza.

Good night, Fiona.

Good night.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Ow!
- Oh!

- Ah, that was real.
- Are you okay?

That's okay.

- No!
- I got it!

- Ahh!
- Yeah!

I don't get it.