About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - About an Angry Ex - full transcript

Hey there, buddy. To what
do I owe the intrusion?

You got a big homework project?

Not homework.

I'm on a top-secret mission.

My target? Shea Garcia-Miller.

My goal? Conversation.

At first.

Then possibly marriage,
or you know,

just a committed partnership
between equals.

Okay, back up here.
This is the Shea

at you are forbidden to see?



The very same.

Am I to understand that you are

directly disobeying your mother?

Is my little Marcus
becoming a bad boy?

Nope, still a proud mama's boy.

I'm getting around mom
on a technicality.

You see, she forbade me to
see Shea outside of school.

So nothing is stopping me from
"accidentally" running into her

in school.

Nothing but the laws of
physics, and my own significant

physical limitations.

Is Shea, uh, showing any signs,

any indication that
she likes you back?

Okay, Will, I am up to
my beanie in indication.



I've gotten three... count 'em...
Three texts from her,

ranging from casual,
like "what's up?"

- Really?
- To the more intimate:

"Hey."

- What?
- And in between P.E.

- and lunch yesterday?
- Mmhmm?

I got shoulder.

I mean, it was over the
jacket, but still.

Hmm. Yeah.

Listen, as your ambiguously,
you know, paternal figure,

I gotta tell you that
this Shea, so far,

has been nothing but bad news.

But as your friend,
I'm all for it.

Ah, hello.

- Are you Will Freeman?
- Depends on who's asking.

But if it's you, then...

Then yes, yes, I am.

- You've been served.
- Ooh.

What exactly are you serving?

Someone's suing you.

Jackass.

Did you get any shoulder?

Here we go.

I am being sued, dude.

Someone named Anastasia Campbell

is claiming that she
co-wrote Runaway Sleigh.

I don't even know who
Anastasia Campbell is,

except some crazy person who's
trying to steal my money.

This is serious, man.

This song is my endless
buffet of cash.

Which begs the question,

why didn't anyone tell
me how serious this was?

Didn't they?

I feel like Richard was
telling you this for months.

"This is a huge, serious
problem," that's a quote.

Well, my problems always
go away, you know that.

I'm teflon, nothing sticks.

God, I hate you.

Everything sticks to me.
I'm like velcro.

You know what? I
gotta get a lawyer.

You have a lawyer!
She's super hot.

- The one with the...
- I slept with her.

You know that. It got awkward.

I need a lawyer that I'm
not tempted to sleep with.

Laurie is a lawyer. We
keep telling you this.

That is perfect.

I wouldn't sleep with
Laurie if she were

the last female on a
scorched planet earth.

What?

Because she's married
to my best friend.

Otherwise...

Yeah.

- Are we sure she works here?
- Yes.

According to Google, there's
an Anastasia Campbell

who's a pilates instructor here.

I don't know, dude,

I see a lot of toned bodies.

What?

Stalker Stacey!

- Who? Where? Where?
- Get back here!

Stalker Stacey!
Don't you remember?

The cute groupie I had
mind-blowing sex with,

and then she got all crazy
and wouldn't leave me alone?

- That Stacey?
- Yes, dude!

Oh, my gosh! The one
with the dance?

Yeah! It was...

Yeah. Oh, my God.

I tried to... I tried
to let her down easy.

"Stacey" must be short
for Anastasia...

Which is a beautiful
name, actually.

Laurie and I should put
that on the baby name list.

Oh, my God.

Will! Will! Will's gone.

Everyone, get into
the down stretch.

Can I help you?

- Oh...
- Are you here to take a class,

or are you just one of those
creeps who likes to come in

and look at butts?

Well, I'm more of a boob man.

Do I know you?

Oh!

Oh, gosh.

My teacher evaluations!

I just finished
alphabetizing them!

And now they are
scattered to the wind!

Okay, okay, let me help
here, Principal G.

Oh, Marcus...

What has gotten
into you of late?

Yeah, I've never seen
you roam the halls

with such reckless abandon.

Hey, uh, Fiona,
you got a minute?

Yeah, I'm just doing
some doula research.

Look at this amazing
woman in the Amazon.

She's using gravity to
help the birthing process.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Fiona, please!

I can't unsee that!

Can you just stop for one second

with the rainforest porn?

But it's natural!
That is a vagina!

Oh! That is not what
vaginas are for!

Now, I actually... I need
some advice, please.

I have a stalker.

- Do you?
- Yes.

And I'm hoping that your crazy

can shed some light
on her crazy.

Offended... But quite curious.
Carry on.

I thought I'd gotten rid of
stalker Stacey a long time ago,

but all of a sudden,
she turns up,

and out of nowhere,

slaps this ridiculous
lawsuit on me.

- A lawsuit?
- Mm-hmm.

Blimey, that's a bit unpleasant.

- Right, so...
- Oh, wait.

Did you say her name was Stacey?

Yes. Why?

A few months ago when
you were in New York,

I came home one day and there was
a girl banging on your door.

She was in a rather
desperate ensemble.

- Go on.
- Well, no.

I just remember 'cause
her name was Stacey.

Do you know if Will's home?

Oh, no, he doesn't live here.

He's, uh... he moved to New
York with his girlfriend.

- He has a girlfriend?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Doctor Sam.
- Really?

And then she got very,
very, very upset.

And so I offered her, you know,
a few words of encouragement.

Stacey, you seem like a vibrant,

very attractive young woman.

You don't need to settle

for the crumbs that
Will Freeman threw you.

You need to value yourself
higher, don't you?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you deserve
much, much more.

She deserves much, much more?

More than you. Much
more than you.

- You. You did this.
- Did what?

This lawsuit is your fault.

No, it's not! I did... I
just gave her advice!

You told her point blank
to go after my money!

You...

Scratched my teflon.

It was you.

And you are going to fix this.

Fix this right now!

I really noticed you engaging
your core more than ever.

Stacey?

Hi, you probably
don't remember me.

- Fiona!
- Whoa!

- Strong little thing, aren't you?
- Oh, my God!

Of course I remember you.

- Oh!
- Are you kidding me?

How could I forget the
woman who literally

changed the course of my life?

- Did I? Did I?
- You did.

I mean, you are
such a wise woman.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

I mean, really I'm
just, you know,

a conduit for the
wisdom of others.

You're so modest. No,
literally, because of you,

I have completely changed
the course of my life.

I mean, I'm no longer looking
for mindless hookups.

- Thank God.
- Good.

And I'm just focusing on
what I really deserve.

Aw...

- Money.
- Oh.

And you helped me see that.

Well, if I could offer up
another piece of wisdom?

- Sure.
- Um...

When I said that I thought
you deserved more,

I meant emotionally.

- Emotionally?
- Yeah, emotionally.

Not financially.

You see, when I said you
should value yourself more,

that's what I meant.

Emotionally, and
not financially.

Yeah, you see that?

Now you're getting it.
Well done, you!

I get it.

You're here because Will
sent you, aren't you?

You are here to talk
me out of the lawsuit.

Well, and to do a
bit of pilates.

Stiff neck.

Arms in the straps,
everyone, please.

Um, we're gonna start
class on our backs today.

It's gonna be a very,
very intense class.

Remember to breathe.

Okay, thank you for seeing
me on such short notice.

Of course.

My helpless victims of
wrongful eviction can wait.

Way more important to help you
deal with the groupie gone wild.

Get off my desk.

Okay, hostile vibe,
I'm feeling it.

Okay? Registered.

But I just want you to
take a quick look at this

and tell me that this
Stacey is just a wack-a-doo

with, uh, you know,
no real case.

Is this wack-a-doo
a former lover?

I wouldn't say "lover."

I mean, we had a, roughly,
eight-night stand

back when I wrote my
platinum hit single.

You better hope this
doesn't go to trial.

- Get off my desk.
- Okay, listen.

I'm not saying I was a
gentleman, all right?

Gentleman? I've
defended serial killers

that were more
sympathetic than you.

Fine. I admit it, okay?
I admit it.

I was a bit of a
lady-killer back then.

But I promise you that she
had nothing, and I repeat,

nothing to do with
writing this song.

So I just need you
to tell me that this

is much ado about nothing,
that it's just a drawing

in the sand that'll
be, you know,

washed away with the tide.

Do you even hear
the steaming crap

that just falls out
of your mouth?

That was a solid metaphor.

Okay, get off my desk!
Sit in the chair.

Okay, you know what?

Your bedside manner needs
some serious attention.

It doesn't matter
how wack-a-doo,

or to use an adult word,
meritless her case.

This thing could still
drag on for years.

- Years? What?
- Oh!

She's not just looking
for future checks.

She wants back royalties.

- This girl means business.
- Back royalties?

She can't do that.
That's not fair.

You think our legal
system is fair?

You're lucky you have good hair,
because you are the dumbest...

Just dumbest...

- Individual I have ever met!
- Can you just stop obsessing

about my hair for one second
and just tell me what to do?

The best thing you can
do right now is nothing.

Do not reach out to this woman.

No contact. Zero.

Just try to keep going,
even if it's so tough

that you feel like you
might fall apart.

Try to keep breathing,

try to keep finding
the strength inside.

Keep breathing, keep breathing,
yeah, keep working that chest,

open and close, open and close,

but don't open the
chest too wide,

because that is
how you get hurt,

because that's where
your heart is.

Ooh, Stacey.

Stacey, are you all right?

Oh, Stacey.

No, don't close your heart.

Class dismissed.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. My breath is ass.

You have any gum?

Oh, um, maybe.

No.

Too bad.

How could you not have any gum?

Ugh! Such an idiot.

You monster!

This doesn't sound promising.

You broke that poor
woman's heart!

Poor woman?

She is a parasitic groupie
who is trying to extort me.

Oh, really? Well, that's not
the story that Stacey tells.

You know, perhaps if the blood

that is supposed
to feed your brain

weren't constantly being
redirected elsewhere,

you would remember
things more clearly.

What are you talking about?

She was there the night that
you wrote that song, Will.

What?

She nurtured your
writing process.

She was... and you know what?

I can completely
relate to this...

Your songwriting doula.

Oh, my... any excuse to
bring up the word "doula."

- Any excuse!
- No, not any ex-you know what?

All you had to do was
just say you're sorry.

The only thing that
I am sorry for

is sending you in to
do the job, okay?

From now on I am lawyering up,

and we are settling
this thing in court.

Monster.

- Doula.
- That's not even an insult!

That's not even an insult!

Hey, Shea. I got you some water.

Wait. No, wait!

Looking for gum?

'Cause I've got a
plethora of options.

I got the classics, I've
got Wrigley, Bazooka.

I mean, if you're looking
for something edgier,

I got Winter Mint Extreme.

And I would have to advise
against the watermelon

because it got a little bit
sweaty under my armpits.

Dude, stop. Seriously.

Stop being such a
creepy little stalker.

All I did was monitor all her
movements and activities,

and then devise ways
to run into her.

How does that make me creepy?

Well, uh... I don't know.

Maybe she needs time
to come around to your

enthusiastic, persistent style.

I know I did.

I ruined everything.

Man, I'm such an idiot.

- You're not an idiot, Marcus.
- I am.

And I'm used to people
calling me names,

like dweeb, loser,
fart nugget...

But when Shea called
me a stalker...

Will, you don't have any
idea what it's like

to have someone you care about
make you feel like a monster.

Stacey.

Hi. Uh...

You're looking...
You're looking wel...

You're looking very,
very healthy.

What can I do for you, Will?

Uh, well, I was...

Hoping that we could... Talk.

Hmm. Well, let me
think about it.

Um, no, I'm not interested
in talking, okay?

All you're gonna do is try to
tell me to drop my lawsuit,

and I'm not interested
in dropping my lawsuit.

I wasn't gonna tell
you to do that.

I... really, I just...

I would like to talk,
just you and me.

You know what, this isn't a
therapist's office, Will.

This is a pilates studio.

So if you want to talk,
then get on a machine.

Oh, no, I... well, I actually
just did abs, you know?

And they're barking pretty good.

Well, then we're not gonna talk.

Okay.

What do I do, I just sit on...

Just sit down on
this bad boy here?

No, that's way too easy.

Let's get you going on that guy.

Oh, the strappy thing.

Are you sure about that?

Positive.

Okay.

Yeah, this is a
little dungeon-y.

I'll put my hands in these
fuzzy little friends here.

Oh, yeah, you're right. You
know, I can already feel

my core kind of firing up.

Ahh. Doesn't seem too tough.

Yeah, that's real funny.
Real funny.

Now get your hands out of
there and put in your feet.

That seems a little tougher.

It is painful!
It's very painful!

Good! Excellent.

Now, why don't we hold this
pose for a count of...

Oh, I don't know... Two weeks?

Which is how long it
took you to text me back

after the first time we
slept with each other.

In my defense,
texting was just...

It was in its infancy,
infancy back then.

Uncle! Uncle! Too much pain!

Well, now we know you
can feel something.

Okay, I probably... I
probably deserve that.

- Sure did.
- I swear to you,

I didn't come here to get
you to drop the lawsuit.

I came to tell you
that I'm sorry.

I... really, I'm sorry for
the way I treated you.

I probably was
kind of a bad guy.

Uh, no, you were
definitely a bad guy.

Look.

I was... I was a selfish
jerk back then,

and I surrounded myself
with other selfish jerks,

and basically just spent my
life jerking people around.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I really...

I've got better people
in my life right now

who are helping me see the world

and see that there are
other people in it.

And I know that this is gonna
be hard for you to believe,

but I am not that guy anymore.

And so, I'm...

I'm just sorry.

That's... that's all I
really have to say.

I'll get out of your way.

Wait.

Are you really not
that guy anymore?

I pinky swear.

But you're still that guy

in the one way that
really counts, right?

Oh, hell yeah.

- Boo.
- Ah!

How does it feel getting
followed around everywhere?

- Not great.
- That's right.

You know what, pasty?

I actually wouldn't mind hanging
out with you once in a while

if you could... Just be
a little bit cooler.

I could totally be cooler.

You sure?

Well, no, but I
mean, if I like...

If I formulate a strategy,

put together a focus
group, I can get there.

You are one weird, little dude.

So, do you wanna
join my focus group?

Well, I'm not hearing a "no."

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Look!
Look! Look there!

She's crowning with one
giant moment of ecstasy!

Oh, look, it's a...
Very gifted boy.

That's the umbilical cord, Andy.

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey.

Listen, I just
wanted you to know

that I really thought about
what you said, Fiona,

and took your advice and
apologized to Stacey.

- Aw!
- No.

Don't take her advice.
She's not a lawyer!

She's not even a doula.

Do you know I am so
proud of you, Will?

I feel like I planted
a seed inside of you,

and now I'm watching it
blossom into a colossal tree

of great character.

Yeah, I apologized to her, um,
several times last night,

and after this
restorative beverage...

I'm gonna go upstairs
and apologize to her

a couple more times.

That's my guy right there.

What a puny shrub
of disappointment

you turned out to be.

Hey, you have your way
of solving problems,

I have mine.

Mine's a bit more fun.

Um, but listen, to celebrate
her dropping the lawsuit,

I was wondering, should I
buy a boat or a motorcycle?

- I vote for the boat.
- That's one for the boat.

I'm calling a lawyer and
having a restraining order

slapped on your penis.

Can you just stop
obsessing about my penis?

- What does that mean?
- I can't believe

what you're doing to
this wounded, naive,

innocent young woman.

- Okay, we'll go boat.
- Bye, Will.

Thanks for all the sex.
Super fun.

- It was my pleasure, and yours.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and by the way,
this changes nothing.

I'm totally still suing you.

Hi, Fiona! Hi!

How does that affect the boat?