About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - About a House for Sale - full transcript

I've seen you make some
poor choices, Will.

But this one seems
especially bad.

Marcus, I know you're afraid

of getting hurt. But I only have

one thing to say to you: Nut...
Up.

Shouldn't you be packing
instead of sumo-ing?

I mean, you leave in a week and
you haven't packed a thing.

Packing, my lilliputian friend,

is 90% mental. So, I'm
basically packed.

Is there anything
you're not awesome at?

Nope. Now let's do this.



Sticky tape-ah.

Ah-uhh!

Hooh!

I was wondering if
you could do me

a tiny favor before
you leave next week.

Name it, my son.

Uh, could you find me
a new best friend?

- What's that, now?
- I need you to find me

a new best friend. You
left for New York

and when you came
back, you chased away

the only friends I had made.

I mean, it's not that
I'm blaming you.

No, no, it doesn't
seem at all like

you're blaming me.



What do you say, Will?

Marcus, I would love

to help you find a
new best friend,

but it's not like you can just

knock on someone's
door and ask them

- to be your best friend.
- Why not?

- That's how I got you.
- Well played.

All right, I'm on it!
But in the meantime...

Hoo-ah! Ah!

You are going down, bubble boy.

You are-a probably
right, a-bubble Will.

That is a weird Austrian accent.

Not... Not Asian at all.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, no. Marcus!

Here we go.

- May I ask a favor?
- May I prevent you

- from asking a favor?
- Once you finally

shove off, I want to turn

the dumbwaiter into a
fermentation station,

so I can brew my own
ginger kombucha

for my doula class. It's
a natural anti-nauseal,

- don't you know?
- Oh.

So can I borrow some
tools to really seal off

- your side?
- All I really heard was

"once you finally shove off,"
which is just a super-warm

and fuzzy feeling, you know?

I'm just deeply touched
by the whole...

Might I remind you

that it was you who ripped
yourself out of our lives

months ago, but that now our
scars have completely healed.

I am going to build your
fermentation station for you.

That is very kind of you, Will.

- It's also very egotistical.
- I'm sorry?

Marcus and I don't need
your help anymore.

We are managing
fine without you.

Marcus just asked for
my help finding...

Bup, bup, bup, just the tools.

Wait, babe, have you even
rented a moving truck yet?

Well, I'm not just
gonna throw my guitars

and instruments in
the back of a truck.

Have you packed anything yet?

Yeah, yeah. Most of it's packed.

- Just some odds and ends left.
- Well, then show me.

Show me what you've done.
I wanna see it.

Well, that's the thing.
The camera on my iPad

has been super weird lately,
and it's making things

- look super un-packed.
- You haven't packed a thing.

No. No, I haven't.

But I got bubble wrap.
That's mission critical.

All right, listen. I get it.

You know, you're moving out,
you're selling your place...

It's an emotional time
for you right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
There's no emotion.

There's no emotion.
It's just stuff.

- I'm gonna do it.
- I have an idea.

How about this?
You rent a truck,

I fly out there and we
drive your stuff back

to New York together.
That way you don't have

to worry about, you know,
your precious guitars.

- Is that doable?
- Yeah, it's way doable.

I have a bunch of vacation
days I have to use or lose,

and we've barely seen each other
because of my crazy schedule.

Driving cross-country
with my stuff in a truck

and my lady in a truck.

Oh, I'm gonna have
to get a truck hat.

Great. Okay, so
then I'll take care

of the ticket and I'll
fly out on Wednesday.

Okay. Uh, wait, wedne...

Wednesday's in like two...

Hold on, babe, my beeper.
Okay, hold on.

- Wednesday's in two days.
- Um, babe, it's surgery.

- I love you.
- Wednesday's in two days.

- Pack your stuff, okay?
- Do you hear me right now?

Bye, baby. I love you.

Did we lose... did
we lose connection?

Two days is a...

Marcus!

Will? What are you doing here?

We got two days to find
you a new best friend

to replace me, man.
Odds of success?

Yeah...

We got this.

So, Douglas, I'm assuming
like Marcus here,

you fear sports
and suck at them?

Perfect. Uh, so what
do you like to do

- with your "me" time?
- I'm a level 41 kundu master.

- Wanna battle?
- Next.

I'm into aeronautical
memorabilia.

- Excuse me?
- I collect barf bags.

Dork!

Next.

I'm into mooing.

Moo.

It just became so
clear, you know?

Marcus can't find a
kid his own age to be

his best friend because
they're beneath him...

Socially and emotionally.

So I need to find him
an adult best friend.

Possibly an adult best
friend named... Andy.

I have three kids
under the age of six.

I have another child on the way.

He's mean to me. And
the rivalry thing?

- Very weird.
- What rivalry?

- What are you talking about?
- You don't see it?

He's constantly competing
with me for your affection.

It's so obvious and
it's so one-sided,

'cause I'm not competing
with him for your affection,

that's ridiculous.
'Cause I'd win.

I would win. Right?

Would you do it for
my video village?

Are you messing with me?

60-inch ultra 4k high-def TV...

- Uh-huh.
- State-of-the-art

gaming system.

- Throwing in the games?
- Everything.

That controller
isn't even out yet.

Be his best friend, and
all of it is yours, Andy.

You know what, I'm gonna do it.

- I'll be his friend.
- Yeah, baby!

- I'll be his best friend.
- Yes!

- Hey, Will.
- Hey!

Sorry about the whole
friends thing.

Guess I'll just
learn to fly solo.

Why fly solo when you can

be hanging with your
new best friend, Andy?

Pass. Who else you got?

He just say, "pass"?

You see the stink eye?
You see it?

Ohh... Uhh...

I'm not asking him for his help.

I'm... Gonna do this.

Oh... oh! Bugger!

Oh. Okay.

Nah, it's fine.

- What the hell?
- Hello, there.

Gosh, look, it went all the
way through, didn't it?

Are you seriously
kidding me right now?

Well, don't get your
knickers in a twist.

Not that bad. Not that bad?

I have a broker showing
this house in three days.

I'm thinking it's less
than ideal to show a house

with a crater in the wall.

I will fix it.

No! That is a horrible idea.

I'm gonna have to
stop what I'm doing

to not only fix your dumbwaiter,

but also build your
stupid kombucha closet

so you don't do any more damage.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not asking you to
build anything, Will.

I just need some
proper bloody tools

with non-stick bloody
handles, that's all.

Although you might not need
my help, your son Marcus

badly needs it to help
find a new best friend

to replace me. Thus,
The Dating Game setup

that you see before you.

Wha... wha... wha... what?

I have three friends coming
over to be candidates,

and Marcus is gonna choose
which one he likes best.

You're playing a game to
set a date with my child?

Are you completely insane?

To help Marcus find a friend...

An adult like me who
will be sympathetic

to what a special, weird
little dude he is,

because that's what he needs.

Will, Will, Will,
Will, Will, Will.

Your head is so far up your ass

if you think that
that is the best way

of finding Marcus a friend.

- Do you have a better idea?
- Why don't you just teach him

some of your social
skills, you know?

Why don't you tell
him how you made

all your new friends
in New York?

- My friends in New York?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, all right, I mean, I met my...
I met my, uh,

my Asiago bagel dude, Edelman.

He locked me out of the store.
We had a thing going.

Um, oh, and then there's Vlad,

my obese, eastern
European doorman guy.

He's always like,
"vat is your name?"

But, like, he knows my name.

Then there's the newspaper
kiosk dude across the street

who, like, totally knows that
I always go with The Post,

but, like, sometimes,
I'll fake The Post

and then I'll go
with Rolling Stone.

He loves that.

I don't remember his name.
I think it's Hiram.

It... It sounds like

you haven't actually
made any friends.

No, I mean, not great ones,

but... You know, I-I will.

You still got Sam.

The thing is, I just don't see
her as much as I'd like to,

you know, 'cause she's...
Her schedule's crazier

than it was even here, but...
It is what it is, you know?

It's still cool.

Doesn't sound that cool.

- Yo, yo, yo!
- Yo, yo, yo, DJ!

What's up, man? I
came to pick up

that microwave, baby.
Love that grill function.

Oh, hello, my fair lady.

DJ.

- What's with the wall of boxes?
- All right, microwave's yours.

How would you like to
play a game for my TV,

my gaming center,
and all my games?

- Bro, I am insky.
- Insky and Hutch.

All right, hello,
everyone, and welcome

to The Potential Friend Game.

Now, if I win this game,

I am gonna take the
TV and the games

and the system home tonight?

Yes, yes, all right? Just chill.

Marcus, let's take it away.

All right, potential
friend number one.

- Yes, that's me.
- Moving on.

- What do you mean, moving on?
- Potential friend number two?

How can he move on? Come
on, that's not fair!

- Marcus?
- Fine.

If we're going for a picnic
lunch, what would you pack?

This is easy. I would
pack peanut butter

and jelly sandwiches.
You just killed him!

Nut allergy, dude. Did
you bring an epipen?

- Is it like a ballpoint pen?
- Andy, are you serious?

Next potential
friend, number two.

All right, potential
friend number two.

I'm 15 and it's time for
me to start shaving.

Wet shave or electric?

- Easiest question ever!
- Eh...

When it comes to close,
nothing beats a blade.

A blade? You killed him?

You're giving him a blade? He
just cut himself last week

on a plastic spork.

I had no business handling it.

If you guys are gonna
treat this like a game...

It is a game. That's
what we're playing.

- Playing a game...
- Just... Shh!

Contestant number three. Marcus
is going on a first date.

He wants to borrow the car.
What do you do?

I verify his insurance coverage
and give him the keys.

Dead! All three of
you have killed

a 12-year-old boy.

You obviously rent
him a limousine

because he's under age,

and so he has a better potential
of scoring with the hot bait

that's in the back
of the car with him.

- Obviously?
- Guys, these are softballs

I'm throwing at you. All right?

We haven't even gotten to
the hard questions yet.

I hope

that's another contestant.

- Oh!
- Hey!

Oh, hey. Oh, my God.

You're... you're early.

I know, I wanted
to surprise you.

- Um...
- You, um...

- You haven't packed anything.
- Well, uh-

- Ciao.
- Hey, how's it going?

You're mad? Are you mad at me?

I rearranged a lot
to get here, Will.

I know that.

But you weren't supposed to
be here till noon tomorrow.

So, what, you weren't
gonna pack up until then?

I mean, have you even
rented a truck yet?

See, I'm confused because
you seemed really excited

about driving
cross-country together.

I am! I'm so excited.

I got my lady, a truck.
My lady in a truck.

I fly all the way out here and
I find you screwing around

with your buddies. I'm
not screwing around.

I'm busting my ass
trying to find Marcus

- a new best friend.
- By reenacting

- The Dating Game?
- I didn't say

it wasn't a reach, okay?

Look, I'm sorry, but I
cannot leave here for good

without knowing that
Marcus is taken care of.

Right now?

When you have your
entire life to pack up

and move across the country.

He's lonely, okay?

And I might know
something about that,

'cause it hasn't
exactly been like...

I haven't made a ton of
friends in New York.

But it's... it's no biggie.
I will.

I just... I get what he's
going through 'cause I...

It's like when you are used
to all your boys being around

and then they're gone, it
just doesn't feel great.

I get it. I do, I get it.

But I have to get
back to work, okay?

So if you can't get this
place packed up in a day,

I'm gonna have to fly back
to New York without you.

Yeah.

Will? Andy?

Hey. Uh, bud, listen.

I, uh... I had to drop the
whole friend search thing

to pack up. I'm so sorry.

Not a problem, Will. I've
decided to give Andy

a trial shot at being
my new best friend.

What? Yes!

That is so hype.
Dude, you hear that?

Yeah, it's super, super hype.

I need to know exactly what
Will looks for in a friend.

A boyfriend.

I'm sorry, you just
said boyfriend.

What exactly are you
working on there, pal?

Focus, Andy.

I need you to get me
a picture of Will

where he looks awesome.
Like, on the beach.

Um, I'm not sure what
you're going for here.

Andy, just scroll
through your phone

and get me your best
Will picture, okay?

- A little bossy.
- Come on!

Let's get moving... Buddy.

Someone's got their bossy
boots on today, huh?

What, are you okay?

Yeah. I was just getting some

pretty paranoid ideas
as to why you were

- putting off packing.
- Really?

Well, banish those
thoughts forever.

Everything has worked out.
I got Marcus a friend,

and I'm packing all
this stuff up,

getting it ready to load up

and drive off into
the sunset, for you.

Hey, I'm busting my balls
packing your crap up.

You think you could put out
a cracker or something?

- I-I could go for a cracker.
- Yeah, we're hungry.

Less talking, more packing.

Ugh. Man, I have
just been getting

a barrage of the
gnarliest emails.

- Look at this.
- That's disgusting.

- That is sick.
- Why would anybody

- send you this?
- I have no idea.

And I've got like 50 of them.

- Will Freeman?
- Yeah.

We're with the San Francisco
police department.

- Okay. Can I help you?
- Did you post an ad online

seeking sex with
an underage boy?

- What?
- No, not a word, Will.

- I'm his attorney.
- Oh.

I'm on the clock.
And I ain't cheap.

Uh, no, he doesn't
have any money.

Why don't we go downtown
and talk about this?

- What, no, no, no, no, no.
- First, I thought that you guys

were strippers, but now...
I am less sure.

Say something, lawyer!

Officers, don't
talk to my client,

and you... I don't
like that tone.

- I hired you.
- Uh, excuse me, officers.

Does this ad possibly say,
"lonely, bi-man seeks

special boy, 12, for deep
friendship in Manhattan"?

It does.

That's my ad.

Look.

Marcus, what are you doing?

I'm so sorry, Will.

It's just that you tried so hard
to find me a friend like you

so I wouldn't be lonely here.

I want to find you
a friend like me

so you won't be lonely there.

Marcus, man. Come here.

Oh, man. Hey, why
did you say bi-man?

Bi-coastal, right?

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

Why does Will like 29-year-olds?

- Why?
- Because there's 20 of them.

- Don't listen to that.
- When they put you

on those registries, do
they have to like take

your picture or you just
have to fill out a form?

Oh, man, that is so childish.
Which is just your type, Will.

Oh!

We're done piling on
the pedophile here.

Oh, Will's new
favorite board game.

- Oh!
- Good joke!

Um... I would like
to make a toast.

I would just like all of
you to know that, um...

That I'm gonna miss the
crap outta you guys.

And that, uh, that
no one has ever had

a better bunch of friends.

You're more than
friends to me, really.

You guys... Are my family.

So... And I'd say
something to all of you,

but I probably wouldn't
make it through it.

There is one person here

that I can't really
say good-bye to.

Marcus, I am not gonna
look for a friend like you

in New York,

'cause there's no chance in the
world I'd ever find one, man.

Will?

Can you pull over?

Remember that night that
we stole the paddle boats?

Of course. That was like
the best night ever.

And the paddle boat police guy
started chasing after us?

God, I don't think I laughed
that hard, well, ever.

That was so fun.

I remember thinking to myself,

this is insane, you know?

I barely know this
guy, but I love him.

Yeah, me too.

Will, um...

I think I should fly
back to New York

and I think that you
should drive this truck

- back to San Francisco.
- What?

I don't think this is
what you really want.

It is what I want. Look at me.

I want you.

Your toast last night...

It was so beautiful.

You said that those people...

They're not your friends.
They're your family.

That is your life.

No.

No, this is because I
said that stupid thing

about having... needing
friends in New York.

- No...
- Who cares?

I don't need friends, and
if I do, I can make 'em.

I love you. That's it.

That's all that matters.

I love you too.

Fiercely, I love you.

But I won't take you away from
where you're supposed to be.

I just... I can't do that.

I just can't.

♪ Goodnight ♪

I...

Oh, gross! Ugh.

Uh... I'm back, for good,
and I would appreciate

if someone would clean
up this vomitous stench.

I'll get right on it, Will.

- You all right?
- Well, I've been better.

Welcome home.

Hey, this door isn't
gonna fix itself.

Oh, bloody hell.

Uhh...

Uh-uh-uh-ohh!