About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - About a Vasectomy - full transcript

No, no, no!

No! Dude! Man! Come on!

I was right there!

Hey!

Closed.

I just need a dozen Asiagos
and then we're good to go.

Hey, hey! Don't
knock on the glass.

It's not gonna help you.

All right, well, listen,
I've been searching

for the perfect bagel
since I got to New York

three months ago.



I journeyed from Soho
for your Asiagos.

We close at 5:00 and I'm
not gonna turn my life

upside down, topsy-turvy,
for some schmuck from Soho.

Look, uh, I need this bagel.

I... it's, it's real
important to me.

What's so important?
Don't you have a life?

You don't have a job? A girl?

No, I actually happen to
have a wonderful girlfriend.

I mean, she's perfect; She's
beautiful, she's talented,

she's smart.

And yet here you are,
begging for bagels.

No, no, no. She works a lot.

Ya know, she works
all the time really.

Yeah, that's rough.



How about I give you a little
extra for the after-hour bagels?

You think that... that
money, you just throw money

at a problem, it solves it.

Is that the way you do
things in your fancy Soho?

That's the way you do?

Oh, that smells good.

That's a... oh that... mmm. Oh.

That's fresh. Still warm.

Like from this morning.

- 20 bucks for six Asiagos.
- Mmm.

- Take it or leave it.
- Mmm.

You know what would
be good with this?

A nice schmear.

I think I'll put a
nice schmear on it.

Okay, I see the game
we play up here.

40 bucks for six Asiagos.

I just think I had an orgasm.

A hundred dollars for six.

A hundred for five, a
hundred for four...

- There we go!
- There we go.

Thank you.

Mmm... Oh...

You did it, Will. You
found the perfect Asiago.

Every day I think you
can't impress me more,

yet, here we are.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna overnight
deliver one to Andy,

he's gonna freak,
and rest assured,

I am sending one to my
San Francisco bagel shop

because they got a lot to learn.

- Hey baby.
- Hey!

Hold on, Marcus.

Oh, I missed you.

Hey, um, Marcus is on.

Say hi, it's been a while.

Oh! Hi, Marcus!

Hi, Dr. Sam.

You guys, I had the
craziest day of my life.

What happened?

This guy comes in.
Flatlined, okay?

I had to jump on the gurney,
as we're racing down

the hallway, and revive him.

It was... oh... four
hours of surgery,

guy's as good as new.

You raised a man from the dead

and Will found the
perfect bagel.

What a power couple.

Anyways, gotta go, guys.

Bye Marcus.

I love New York.

Saving lives. Eating bagels.

Moving here is one of the best
things we ever did, Will.

- The best.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, here's something that will
keep you in bagels for a while.

Royalty check from
Runaway Sleigh.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

What a day!

The perfect Asiago,
the perfect woman,

and a boatload of money for
work done a decade ago.

Big money! Big money! No whammies!
No whammies!

Big whammy.

Here we go.

Richard, Richard, just
listen to me, okay?

You are my business manager.

I need you to
manage my business.

I need to buy things.

I am only in town until
tomorrow but guess what,

I'm gonna be riding you
every second to make sure

that your number one priority
is finding this money.

This represents 100%
of my income, Richard.

Hold up. Hold on one second.

Richard, there is
something haunting

and unearthly happening here.

I'm gonna call you back.

Will? Will is here!

Oh, my God! What are
you doing here?

This thing is...

mom, cut my umbilical
cord so I can hug Will.

Umbilical cord? What?

Don't get judgmental.

We are simply reenacting
Marcus's birth.

Oh. And here I was thinking

there was no logical
explanation.

Marcus is helping me stir up
my personal birthing memories

to help me with my training
to become a doula.

What is a doula?

Of course you don't
know what a doula is.

A doula is a magical
person who helps restore

the faith and dignity of birth
that the medical establishment

has, frankly,
destroyed over and...

Okay, well, we're moving on.
Marcus, my man.

I'm here only 36 hours, but I've
carved out some Marcus time.

We've got Xbox... pow!

We've got general frivolity...
pow!

And we've got ribs.

That... that sounds great
Will but I'm booked solid

this weekend with my buds.

Well, I'm sure
they'll understand.

Will, Marcus already has
plans with his wonderful,

age-appropriate friends.

Oh, okay.

Not gonna lie, it
stings a little

but uh, I'll see you around.

Mom, would it be okay if
Will cut my umbilical cord

as a symbolic way of showing
our mutual independence?

Oh, that is brilliant!

I-I-I know what's coming here.

All right.

But let me tell you
something, there is no way

that I'm getting involved
with this kind of thing.

Please, Will.

And here comes the
postpartum depression.

Glad to see things didn't
get weird when I was away.

It's all right.

Do you know what these mean?

Wild stab, um, someone
made guacamole?

- I think Laurie is pregnant.
- What?

She's showing all the signs.

She's eating avocados
like they're water,

she's puking on cue, her
nipples have darkened

to the color of a
deep French roast.

You just may have just
ruined nipples for me.

Anyway, wait... what
about your vasectomy?

The vasectomy that you
badgered me not to get.

"Oh, don't get a nut-cut, bro.
Don't get a nut-cut."

I don't sound like that.

- You sound exactly like that.
- Wait, you listened to me?

Yes, I listened to you!

Was Laurie... well,
how did Laurie react?

Was she cool with that?

That's the tricky
part of all of this.

She doesn't know.

I faked it.

How do you fake a vasectomy?

Well, that part was easy.

I came home. I limped.

I put frozen peas on my crotch.

She brought me pizza bagels.

I even marked my sack
with a highlighter

just in case she checked.

She did not check, by the way.

Thank God you're
back from New York

so we can deal with this.

- We?
- Yeah, we.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There
is no "we" in "Laurie."

Tallyho, chaps!

It's snack time.

I made a cabin out
of tofu slim Jims

and there's also chai cola here.

It tastes just like cola except
slightly more gelatinous

and a bit chewy.

Awesome!

None of the other moms
make such healthy snacks.

Since I met you, I'm
really thinking

about going vegan.

Eddie, that makes me so happy.

Do you know? I really
feel a movement coming.

Now I'm just gonna
be in the house

if you need anything at all.

- Okay?
- All right.

I told you you were gonna
make some great mates

in San Francisco, didn't I?

Good job! Good job!

"Oh, I really feel a
movement coming, gentlemen.

Out of my butthole."

Oh, man. Come on, guys.

To the brigade!

Uh, where do you
think you're going?

I got my third stripe yesterday

when I used my piggy
bank for our snack run.

Yeah, well, you need
to have five stripes

to get into the brigade.

You said it was three.

Not since we did all
of our upgrades.

Why don't you keep watch?

Okay.

Make sure nobody comes.

Hey, bud.

Oh, hey, Will.

What's going on?

Just hanging with my buds.

Oh yeah? Then why
are they up there

and you're down here?

Duh, I'm standing guard.

It's very important.

Doesn't sound all that fun.

I love standing guard, Will.

Just try and get past me.
Try it.

What I lack in strength, I
make up for in shrieking.

Keep it down! God!

Right, sorry, Eddie.

I'm sure I'll get to
go up there later.

We got a problem.

What... what are you doing?

Well, your dumbwaiter
door is stuck

and I'm gonna loosen it up
so that Marcus can come over

whenever he wants over
the next few days

while I'm around.

I thought it was a 36 hour trip.

It is but some
things have come up.

What things?

Well, for one, Marcus's
so-called "friends"

have turned my tree
house into a brigade,

which they are not
letting him up into.

He is currently standing guard.

Everyone has to take a
turn standing guard.

No, no, Marcus doesn't
have to stand guard.

Do you understand?
It's his tree house.

I built it for him.

Having trouble
letting go are we?

I am trying to keep your
kid from getting bullied.

Is it so hard to believe
that a bunch of cheeky, fun

eighth graders want to
hang out with Marcus?

Yes.

You're being an
arsonist firefighter.

Definition?

Someone who starts a fire
so they can put it out,

be the hero, and
get all the glory.

Okay, that is so ridiculous.
Why would I do that?

I don't know. Hold on.

Put my psychologist
hat on for a minute.

Oh, yeah! Maybe you are
inventing problems

in San Francisco to avoid
bigger problems in New York.

Take your psycho hat off
because you're wrong.

Marcus mentioned that since
you've been in New York,

the main structure of your life

has been around bagels.

Is... is everything
all right with Sam?

Okay, everything
is great with Sam.

I am dying to get back to
New York to be with her.

Are you?

Yeah and she can't
wait to see me.

I bet.

So why don't you stop trying
to turn this around on me.

Let me tell you something.
I know boys.

And I know those boys are
not Marcus's friends.

So I'm gonna now have
to prove it to you

because you don't believe me.

Tell Marcus the dumbwaiter
door is open for business.

Better to be over-lubed
than to be under-lubed.

How do you fake a vasectomy?

Apparently, it's pretty easy.

Anyway, the point is,
I have to be around

to help him tell Laurie
because that can go so dark.

Oh, and Marcus is being taken
advantage of by these bullies.

And Fiona just won't see it
so it's like, I can't just

show up after three months and
tell her what's going on.

I gotta figure a way to prove
to her what's going on.

Wow.

What?

No, it's just, ya
know, in New York,

you spent three months trying
to find the perfect bagel

and you're in San
Francisco 24 hours

and you got so much going on.

Well, anyway, I just uh... I really...
I need a couple days

to just sort of sort
everything out.

I hope that's okay.

Oh, baby, of course. Take
as much time as you need.

I'm working doubles
all week anyway.

Great, great.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I love you.

I love you too. Bye.

Hooligans!

So, we found out why your
checks have been stopped.

Apparently, someone is claiming
they co-wrote Runaway Sleigh.

What? That is crazy!

I wrote that song.
Who is saying that?

I have no idea.

But in the meantime,
you're gonna have to make

a few adjustments
to your lifestyle.

I need this money, dude.

It's not that big of
a deal, all right?

It's not like your money
is gone, it's just like,

the spigot is clogged.

Well, how long to
unclog the spigot?

I don't know, weeks, months...

- Do not say years.
- Okay.

Surprise, huh?

Is this a good surprise
or a bad surprise?

It could be a great
surprise, right, Will?

We could take "great"
off the table.

- Mom, Alex hit me!
- Did not, jerk!

Alex! Stop hitting your sister!

Thank God we are out

of our child-rearing years,
ya know what I mean?

God, I can't wait till
they're all out of the house

and it's just me and whoever
I marry after Andy.

She's on fire tonight.

Ya know, I think I hear
the baby is crying

and... why don't you tell
Laurie the surprise.

What? Andy, Andy!

Well, all right, so what's
the surprise, Will?

Let me just... uh...
that's much better.

Here's the deal, Laurie.

Uh, there is a slight
chance that with all the...

that you are... how
do I put this?

That you might be carrying.

Carrying what?

Like a... a baby.

What? That's impossible.

Andy had a vasectomy.

That is a funny story, actually.

Makes me laugh to
think about it.

Andy's a deep thinker
as we all know.

And he... after careful
consideration,

Andy decided not to
get a vasectomy.

And I... and I may have
had a little bit of

a little bit of um... a
part to do with that.

Oh, my God.

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Hurry up!

Ready.

Hey Marcus, here's your tip.

Uh, Marcus, we saved
you some pizza.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Oops, I'm sorry.

I'm watching you,
you little punks.

Oh...

One, one thousand,
two, one thousand,

three, one thousand,
four, one thousand,

five, one thousand, ready
or not, here I come.

Hands up, Marcus.

Hey, Marcus.

Will?

What on earth are you doing?

I am documenting.

No, you're spying

on four teenage boys out
your bedroom window.

Ew, that is so pervy.

Fiona, these so-called friends
of Marcus's are evil, okay?

And you need to see it
with your own eyes.

Get over here.

- No.
- Get over here.

No, I'm sorry, I can't.

- Oh, oh...
- No, no, no, no.

Hey! Hey! You get
back here right now.

- Will, Will, Will!
- You come with me.

Look, right there.

Hey Marcus, have you ever
heard of an atomic wedgie?

Uh, no, but it
doesn't sound great.

It's not supposed to.
Turn around.

Duck!

Oh!

Bugger! Don't!

Okay, once you see what I see,

then we can figure
out what to do...

No, no. Will, listen.

There is no we, do
you understand?

You left.

You moved to New York

and we have spent three
months getting over that.

And now we're finally over that,

and you have to leave us alone.

Will, what the heck!

Are you spying on... Me?

Mom?

You two were spying
on me, weren't you?

I guess birth reenactment trust
exercises mean nothing anymore.

No, Marcus, your mother was
not spying, it was all me.

And I understand if
you're mad at me,

but those kids are
not your friends.

When I get back to
school on Monday,

I'm back to having no friends.

Thanks a lot, Will.

Good to have you back.

Darling...

This is a big mess!

Hey! Hi, Mrs. Bowa.

Those kale and ginger
shots were amazing.

Cut the crap, Eddie. And
lower my baby in uterus!

You are mean-spirited little
buggers, the lot of you.

Get out of my tree house.

Get out!

Hey! Don't laugh at me!

Well, actually... uh...
it's not your tree house.

And it's not Marcus's either.

It's that weird, tall wiry guy
and he's not even around anyway.

Oh, I'm around.

And I take offense
to the wiry comment.

It's much more of
a chiseled thing.

Now get out of the
tree house right now!

Come on.

Move it!

Move it. Line up in front of Mrs.
Bowa.

I want you to apologize to her

for being disrespectful
little dudes.

I'm sorry.

Now, if we hear any of you

who say a single bad
word about Marcus,

in school, in the neighborhood,
or anywhere else,

I will destroy you.

Are we clear?

Anything to add?

You are all God's children.

We still have love in
our hearts for you.

That too.

Get out of here, scram.

Let's go. Move it.

Don't forget to put
your helmets on.

Thank you, Will.

You were a little bit right.

I just so want Marcus
to have friends.

Listen, you know,
you were right...

a little right too about
the New York thing.

I talked to Sam and told
her I was gonna stay

a couple of extra days and
she didn't bat an eye, so...

You'll work it out.

I saw that your friends
cleaned out your supply,

so I thought the least I could
do is replenish your stock.

You mind if I come up?

Technically, it's your property.

I know those guys weren't
my friends, Will.

But I was hoping I
could grow on them

like I grew on you.

Thanks.

Well, you know,

all those times we
were Facetiming,

when you were telling me
how great everything was,

I really wish you had
told me the truth.

I mean, if things are tough,
Marcus, I'm your guy.

Come on.

I thought about telling you.

But I didn't want to
make you feel bad.

You're having the time of
your life in New York.

I wanted you to keep
having a great time.

You are loving New York, right?

Hold on a sec.

Oh, I gotta take this.
Real quick.

I'll be right back, okay?

Give me some good news, Richard.

I am begging you.

Nah, I got nothing
on that, Will.

But, I've been going
through your finances

and I think I found a way for
you to fix your money problems

without you having to
change your lifestyle.

Okay, talk to me.

My thought is,

you sell the place
in San Francisco.

You're not living there.

You're not even renting
the place out.

All you have to do is sell,

and your money
problems are solved.

Easy fix, right?

Yeah. That's easy.

May I lay my hands on you?

I... guess?

Okay.

I'm just going to
gently massage you.

Andy, would you massage
the goddess's feet?

I'm not permitted to
touch the goddess...

Andy, do as the doula says.

It would be my absolute
honor to make you feel

like the goddess you
deserve to be, Laurie,

throughout your pregnancy.

And if I'm not here,
Andy will massage you,

and Andy will take care of you,

- and Andy is your servant.
- Servant?

Andy, get the checkbook.
Pay the doula.