About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 19 - About a Self Defense - full transcript

Yeah, and then he was like,
"I will look for you.

"I will find you.

And I will 'kall' you."

That is such a good Liam Neeson.

Thank you.

If he were a drunk leprechaun.

Hey!

You could not do
better than that.

I will look for you.

Oh. Oh.

I will find you.



And I will kill you!

Oh!

Oh, hi, Fiona.

I'm so sorry.

We just saw this movie

where Liam Neeson, like,
kills an entire country

with his bare hands.

Don't even bother explaining.

She doesn't like anything
that's fun and violent.

Hey, we got a single malt

calling our name in
there, so let's go.

Hey, no, I live alone.

I know what's it like to have to take
out the trash by yourself at night.

Well, this is actually compost
going in the worm hole, Liz.



But thank you. Point applies.

Nice to have an empathetic
person around, Will, a human.

You know what has
made me feel safer?

Krav Maga.

Yeah, it's Israeli
self-defense training.

It's very empowering.

Do you know, my friend
Moishe on the kibbutz,

he was always trying to
get me to try Krav Maga,

but I was always too
busy making the babka.

You know, you could
come with me.

Yeah. That'll be fun.

I'll text you. Will has
your deets, right?

Yeah, totally. I got her deets.

And I'll get those to you.

You go get comfy.

I'll go get those to you
right away, all right?

Get cozy.

Back off, babka.

What?

I like that girl very much,

and any time you get near
someone that I like,

bad things happen.

But I happen to like her,

and despite her very
questionable taste in men,

I'm going to hang out with her.

She's nice. So I'll give
her my deets myself.

Fine, but if you
figure out a way,

with your weird compost voodoo,
to ruin what I have going

with that adorable
girl in there,

I will look for ye.

I will find ye.

And I will kill ye.

God, you sound like the
Lucky Charms fellow.

That was perfect Liam Neeson.

You know it!

What is this chaos on
the screen, buddy?

My last text exchange with Shea.

I sent her heart, heart, flame,

winky face, winky face,

sumo wrestler, obviously, heart.

Right, okay.

And she sent me...

Skull.

Oh, that's what that is.

The point is, our emoji trade
deficit is at record levels here.

Okay, that's not a thing.

Sure, it is.

That initial frisson
we first felt

when we came together,
it's fading, Will.

Here's the deal:

You just need to take Shea
on a great date, okay?

The best date I ever went on,

when Sam and I just really
started to connect,

we walked by this fountain,

and we ended up liberating
these pedal boats.

Pedal boats!

Is there no end to your genius?

No end.

It's the perfect plan.

I'm going to pedal up
the romance with Shea,

and you're coming along to help.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
chaperoning and romance

do not go hand-in-hand,
my friend.

Well, neither do
romance and drowning.

I need you there, Will.

I swim like a stone.

- I'm already texting Shea.
- Oh, boy.

Okay, just be honest

- with me here.
- Mm-Hmm.

Is 16 winky faces too much?

- Yes.
- You're right.

- 17 it is.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So I have a favor...

- Ooh!
- To ask you,

and it's annoying and lame,
and I'm really sorry.

Wow, annoying and lame.

Are you trying to drive
me wild with desire?

Can you pick Clay
up after practice

and just, like, hang out with
him for a couple of hours?

Oh, uh, I would
absolutely love to.

I'm chaperoning
Marcus on a date.

It's so important to him.

It's gonna be funny.

Here you go.

Okay, I don't want to be
that girlfriend, but...

Earlier, you got a little weird

when Fiona and I were
talking about hanging out.

And now you're picking
her kid's thing

over my kid's thing.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on.

Hold on a second.

Well, I mean, you have to admit

you guys do have kind of a...

It's a strange relationship.

No, she's strange.
I'll give you that.

No, but she and I
are totally normal.

Hey, can you do me up?

Oh, my God,

did Kofi annan come out with
a women's line of clothing?

Zip it, J.Crew. Literally.

Hello, Liz!

Looking forward to
our Krav Maga sesh.

Have you seen my moccasins?

Pointy toe or round toe?

Pointy.

Oh, they're hideous.

Yeah, they're under your couch.

You liked them before.

What time would you like
me to pick Clay up?

- 2:30.
- That's perfect for me.

All right, how is having your
girlfriend's son on my date

a good thing?

Listen, I can't be a
third wheel, all right?

You need a fourth wheel
to balance the vehicle.

Balance the vehicle?
Is that a thing?

No, not really, but
just trust me.

Don't worry. You won't
even know he's here.

Ahoy!

Me and my lady seek your
fittest plastic vessel.

This one should suffice.

Be she polished and seaworthy?

She be 10 bucks, no refunds.

Wait, life vests optional?

Who wouldn't take an option
that could save your life?

Actually, I'm... I'm good.

Yeah, it's, like,

2 feet deep out here,
all right, Marvin?

I think you're gonna be okay.

All right, first, it's Marcus.

And second of all, you
obviously haven't read

the same safety blogs
my mom and I do.

All right guys, listen up.

There ain't no shame in the
safety game, all right?

Dude wants a vest, he's
going to get a vest.

You look like a woman's small.

Those are out back.

I will return in the
blink of an eye.

So what are you listening to?

He can't hear a
word you're saying.

Don't even bother
asking questions.

Just stare out at the water.

Actually, it's
these guys, 4Cain.

No one really knows
them, though.

Really?

Wait, when'd you get that?

Oh, today with a Sharpie,

but if I can save up enough,

then I'm gonna get it for real.

Oh, you should go to my guy.
He's the best.

Hey, just put your shirt down.
What's wrong with you?

Marcus is about to come back...

Are you two lovebirds
going in or not?

They're not lovebirds.
They just met.

They're not together.

Actually, we have a class together...
world civ.

- She never shows up, so I...
- Hey, hey, hey.

He's not writing a
book about you.

I don't care what you are.

You're holding up my line.

Oh, sir, no. Wait, hold on.

Marcus, Marcus!

Right, who's ready

for a sensible balance
of fun and safety...

Where's my lady going?

All right, you got to look
on the bright side, buddy.

You and I get to go
boating together.

You don't get seasick, do you?

All right, if Liam Neeson can jump out
of a helicopter into a powerboat,

we should be able to get
you into that thing

if you could just help me out
with a little more pedaling.

Ugh. All right, one question.

Why is the sky so
cloudy and dark?

I thought the weather
was clear today.

What are...

- Whoa.
- What?

You are having a major
allergic reaction.

Your meds are back in my car.

It can't be.

I haven't eaten anyhthing since my
gluten-free cereal this morning,

and it's not pollen season yet.

Unless...

Oh, latex.

The devil's fabric!

- Get it off me, Will!
- Whoa! Don't rock the boat!

Get it off before it's too late!

Ah!

Whoo!

Okay, your turn.

Go ahead.

Just give him a swift
kick to the throat.

Trust me; This feels amazing.

- You got this.
- Okay, okay.

Beep.

Oh.

I'm not very good at it.

You know what helps me?

If I think of someone
I really despise.

If I tell you who I picture, do
you promise not to judge me?

Oh, yeah. No, go on. Tell me.

Okay.

It's the mean moms at school...

Gossiping about
which mom brought

the pepperoni pizza
to the bake sale.

Well, you know what?

That was me,

because I work for
a living, Kaitlin!

I salute you, fellow
warrior mother.

Oh.

Ah, okay.

- Got to work on my fiving.
- Yeah. Let's try that.

I can't believe Will thought
something bad would come

from us hanging out together.

Well, he clearly knows nothing.

Well, I've been saying
that for a long time,

although he never
listens, obviously.

He's so arrogant and rude
and impossibly vain.

And he never, ever, no matter
how many times I tell him,

recycles!

Anybody else?

All right, buddy, you're still
in the game here, all right?

You just need to perk
up a little bit.

Get your lady a
soft-serve ice cream,

and take her on a little
stroll around the park.

You know, Will, I'm
beginning to think

you may have given me the
wrong allergy medicine.

No, no, no, double dose of blue,

just like your mom's song says.

♪ Get them wrong,
and you will... ♪

Oh! Frown.

Marcus, are you okay?

Oh, no.

No, he's fine. Yeah, he's...

He looks awful, dude.
He needs a nap.

No, he's just a
little tuckered out

for all the partying
he did last night.

But he told me he
spent last night

learning this new
knitting stitch

called the cable and twist.

Oh, that's not a
knitting stitch.

That's a dance move from Japan.

It's on YouTube.

I'm surprised you
guys haven't seen it.

You know, the arm thing?

It's like a... One
of those things,

and then...

Marcus!

Yeah, he's fine. He's fine.

That's the end part
of the dance move,

where you do the kneel. He
was just getting into it.

All right, guys, let's
go get some soft-serve.

Right over there. They
got the good stuff.

Here we go.

Uh, bud, what flavor
are you gonna get?

Blueberry? Yeah, I
like blueberry too.

I'm gonna get
chocolate this time.

Give me that. You suck.

I do not. You suck.

No, you suck.

No, you suck.

Hey, hey, hey, guess what.

You both suck, okay?

Time to go, Shea.

Hey, um...

You know, we should
hang out again.

I'll call you.

What was that? Did you
just ask her out?

'Cause she is spoken for by
this awesome little dude

right here.

You know what, Will?

I'm gonna walk home from here.

Clay, I'm not done with you.

You... hey, don't
put your foot on...

Hey, Clay?

Yeah, you keep walking.

Chin up, dude.

Literally, man.

Let's get that thing closed.

I have to say, you
could not be cooler,

especially considering
what's going on

with our kids right now.

What is going on?

Will didn't tell you?

- No.
- Ugh.

Well, apparently, my son, Clay,

tried to steal
Marcus's girlfriend.

He is such a little monster.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

You know, I bet Will
didn't tell you

because he was afraid
you would, like,

freak out or something.

Why do guys always do that?

It's like just
because we're moms,

we can't be calm,
rational people?

That's ridiculous.

I mean, I do feel really bad,

but what are you gonna do?

Kids will be kids, right?

Unless you want to be

one of those insane
helicopter moms

who is afraid to let her child
feel a moment's disappointment.

- Yeah, God forbid that, though.
- Mm-Hmm.

That would be
crazy, wouldn't it?

I mean, and we're
not crazy, are we?

Are we?

Coffee, please. Thank you.

Oh, hey, Shea.

Hey, I have homework to do,

so I'm not really in
the mood to talk.

Oh, me neither. I hate talking.

No... I'm just here
for the coffee.

I love it here.

Really? Coffee's terrible here.

All right, fine, look.

Shea, I'm here to stop you
from making a huge mistake.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Shea, let me just...

Just answer me one
question, okay?

What does this... what
does this Clay kid have

that Marcus doesn't?

I... I don't know.

It's just, he's into all
the same stuff that I am.

And...

Marcus is... he's just
still such a kid.

Yeah, I mean, I hear you.
I hear you.

You know, he may be on
the sheltered side.

You know, and he may still
occasionally nap with a blankie.

He naps with a blankie?

Scratch that. I never
said that, okay?

Look, there are so many
cooler guys in the world

than Marcus, all right?

But, Shea, there is no one

with a bigger, sweeter heart

and a goofier, braver
spirit than Marcus.

And I will take that

over that polished act
Clay's got any day.

Um, excuse me.

Oi!

Those precious to you, are they?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I'd like you to imagine
what it would feel like

to have something that
you cared about deeply

ripped out of your hands,

'cause then you'll
understand how my son feels.

Okay, look, Mrs...
Will's neighbor.

Um, I didn't rip
anyone away, okay?

I'm not sure you get how
liking someone works.

Oh, you're not sure I get that.

Mm-Hmm. Well.

I would just like
you to consider

the karmic implications
of your actions,

because did you know
the Buddha teaches

that for every selfish act,
a seed of pain is planted

inside your consciousness
that will one day blossom

into a great big
tree of suffering?

Uh, yeah, my tree's good.

Really?

You're not having those...

Those are mine. Give those back.

Promise me that you won't steal Shea.
Promise!

You're crazy.

I have not begun to
bring the crazy.

Basketball's not
your sport, is it?

Ladies.

Hey, we have a situation.

Oh, yeah, we have a situation.

You allowed your
girlfriend's son

to ruin Marcus's date
and probably his life.

Okay, the important thing is,

I am doing something
about it, all right?

Well, I'm doing
something about it.

I've done something about it.

Bloody hell.

Listen, stay right there.

I am not done with you.

Hi.

What were you thinking,

accosting my kid
at school today?

I didn't accost him.

We were having a conversation.

- Well, because he told me...
- Oh, come in.

That you stole his headphones

and then you threatened
to "bring the crazy"?

Yeah, well, that's just
cockney rhyming slang

for... something.

- What? - Well, nothing that

you'd understand, actually.

And you know what?
I did accost him.

I did. But he started it.

Wow, I cannot believe I
thought you were cool.

I am cool.

Hey, guys, what are
you talking about?

And of course you're here,

at your neighbor's
house, mm-hmm.

Are you aware that she basically
mugged my child today?

What? I did not mug your child.

I confiscated his headphones,
and he deserved it.

Remember when I was telling you

how whenever you get
near someone I like...

What was it, good things
happen or bad things happen?

I forget.

I was just protecting my son.

Yeah, by butting into something
that had nothing to do with you.

- What? - Kids need to make

their own mistakes, you know.

That's the only way
they learn anything.

Two women, two parenting styles.

I think we should agree to
disagree and go get some cookies.

That is the most facile, tiger
motherish thing to say.

You know why your son
doesn't need protecting?

- Why?
- 'Cause he's the bully.

Oh, that's interesting,
coming from a woman

who threatens a child
half her size.

Oh, oh, oh! We're going to do

the tall girl jokes now, are we?

Well, hey, if the
gigantic shoe fits...

Get ready!

Oh, you watch yourself.

I am a Krav Maga level seven.

Well, I am a mama
bear level eight.

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

As much as I would like to
watch you guys go at it

and tear each other's
clothes off,

just get in there, ah,

I need you to relax and chill!

- Ooh!
- Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

Yeah, I was trying to tell
you that I talked to Shea

and I think I really may
have gotten through to her.

Well, do you think she'll change
her mind about dumping him?

I do.

Ugh, this is the strangest
relationship ever.

Will, Mom!

Clay's mom.

I don't know what happened
while I was unconscious,

but it must have
been pretty good,

because I just got
a text from Shea

saying, "We need to talk."

I owe it all to you, Will.

That's what "we need
to talk" means?

Are you sure?

So sorry, buddy.

Look, you know,
all I can say is,

I've been in your
shoes, and it's just...

You've had the girl
you're crazy about

leave you for somebody else?

N-no, not exactly.

But, you know, there have
been things that I've wanted

- that I haven't gotten...
- She's not some new iPhone

there's a waiting list for.

She's my heart and
my soul and...

She's here.

"She walks in beauty,
like the night

"of cloudless climes
and starry skies.

"And all that's best
of dark and bright

meet in her aspect
and her eyes."

That was so beautiful, man.

Is that John Mayer?

Lord Byron, you handsome dummy.

Well, I guess this is it.

Got to go have the
talk with her.

Listen.

If you need help, I'll
go down there with you.

No.

I need to do this one on my own.

Hey, you... you said
you wanted to talk?

FYI, I just found out
what that means.

Yeah, uh...

God, this is so hard.

Have you... have you read
the Fire Be With Me books?

I have not.

Well, um,

there's this sorceress, Meeha,

and she... she has this
awful decision to make.

She has to choose between
Kade, the man-wolf,

and Soren, the wind whisperer.

Yeah, I'm just gonna
take a wild guess

that in this analogy, I
am not the man-wolf.

And the thing is,

she really likes
the both of them,

just in different ways.

And she goes back and forth
for, like, hundreds of years.

That's... that's
kind of how I feel.

I like you. I really do.

But I... I also
like somebody else,

and it's really confusing.

Does that make sense?

Not really.

I mean, you're my favorite.

I'd never go back and
forth about you.

Marcus, that's what
makes this really hard.

You're just so sweet.

I get it.

You don't feel the
same way that I do,

and you feel too bad
about hurting me

to come out and say it, so
I've got to say it for you.

Good-bye, Shea.

It was brief, but
it was beautiful.

Thanks for letting
me get to know you.

You turned out even greater
than I thought you would.

And I thought you'd
be pretty great.

Oh, darling, I do know
exactly how you feel.

It's like you're in a
tidal wave of heartbreak

that is threatening to sweep you

into an ocean of grief.

I... I think what your
mom is trying to say is,

you know, you kept
your dignity, man,

and we're just so proud
of you for that.

What good is my dignity?

Can my dignity hold my
hand on my way to school?

No!

Can my dignity kiss
me four times?

No, darling.

You only kissed her four times?

Would you shut up?

I'm sorry, but he... He
was going out with her

for, like, months.

I may have missed her
lips a couple times,

caught some earlobe instead.

Well, that's still face,
man, so that counts.

You know, Will, the
only beacon of light

shining in the black sea of
despair that is my heart

is knowing that I'm not the
only one who'll be alone.

That's right.

That's a really good
way of looking at it.

Your mom is all alone too.

Yeah, thank you for
bringing that up

right now, Will.

No, I meant you, Will.

As my best friend,
there's no way

you could continue going out

with the mother of
my sworn enemy.

Darling, little bear,

it's all right; Mummy's here.

I'm gonna go warm
up this tea here.

Nobody wants to stay at
the Heartbreak Hotel,

- darling. - _

You don't ever need a
girlfriend, darling.

You've got mummy.

You don't need a girl.