About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 18 - About Another Boy - full transcript

I can't believe
this is happening.

Will Freeman is my offering

to Oakwood Middle
School's Career Fair.

Tomorrow I'm the kid who
brings in the coolest guy ever

for career day.

Everybody's gonna
love my offering.

You know, you got to stop
saying that word... "offering."

It makes me think that
you're gonna, like,

sacrifice me at an
altar, all right?

This is the altar.

No, it's your booth.



It's all about you and
your legendary career

as the coolest
musician of all time.

Marcus, is that my
high-school yearbook picture

inside a glitter peace sign?

You're welcome. Oh, look.

Kids can stick their head
through and take a picture,

and it's like they're you.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
It's all right, man.

No, I get it. Totally,
it's a cool thing.

I mean, there's pink
glitter in my hair,

A lot of pink glitter.

Have I ever worn pink
glitter in my hair?

This booth's gonna be
the talk of career day.

I mean, just look at all
these other snooze fests.



- Yeah.
- Tax attorney...

Pet groomer, architect,
antivirus expert.

What?

Oh, no offense.

I mean, I'm sure your
booth is terrific.

It's not.

All right, well, I'm gonna
go pick up an extension cord

and plug this bad boy in.

Wait. W-what does that mean?

Hey, how're you doing.

This is what I'd look like if
I was a flamboyant muppet,

you know what I mean?

Will?

Hey, Liz, hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This is my son, Clay.

Clay, what's going on, man?
I'm a big fan of your mom's.

So, um, why are
you at my school?

Oh, I'm setting up my
career booth, yeah.

So you have a kid?

No. My friend Marcus goes here.

So your friend in middle school?

Friend... well,
he's my neighbor.

It's... it's complicated.

Will is a songwriter.

Yeah. You're into music?

Yeah, yeah, I'm into music.
What'd you write?

Well, I, uh... I wrote a
song called Runaway Sleigh.

The Christmas song. Wow, okay.

Well, in that case, congrats
on your one holiday song,

oh, and your complicated
relationship with a child.

You know, you really know
how to pick 'em, Liz.

- Hmm.
- Thanks, man.

Great to meet you.

Wow. He's funny.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's kind of sarcastic.

He's got that thing going
on, a little bit hurtful.

He never likes anyone I date,

although I guess I was hoping
it would be different with you.

You don't understand.

I'm gonna make Clay realize

that you are dating the
coolest guy in town.

I hope so.

Coolest guy in town.

Let there be light!

Oh, dude! What are you doing?

What's up roomie.

Hey, that is a word I
never want to hear

as a 35-year-old man.

"Roomie," stop it.
What are you doing?

What am I doing? Laurie's
over there at Fiona's

having a doula session, which
I'm still not allowed to attend

on account of that fact
that we're not speaking.

It's so unfair.

You hate her doula sessions.

I can't believe she's
not talking to me yet.

All I did was get super
drunk and then blow

our future baby's college fund
on racist stage illusions.

It's bad. Now that I
say it, it's very bad.

Can we just stop talking
about you for once?

I'm having an actual crisis.

I've met Liz's son, and I'm
telling you right now,

he was super mean to me.

- That's your crisis?
- Yes.

Isn't winning over
the undying love

of middle schoolers
your specialty?

He's different, okay?

Clay is so cool, Andy,

and he met me in front
of this uber-dorky booth

that Marcus made me.

I got to take back the booth.

Do you hear yourself sometimes?

I'm gonna make the booth so
awesome, so, so awesome.

And then Clay's gonna
think I'm awesome,

and he's gonna tell his
mom, reaffirming the fact

that I am the greatest
boyfriend ever.

And then we're gonna
get you a shower,

general hygiene products, and
a furnished one-bedroom,

and my life will be perfect.

Damn it! The raccoons
are back in the wall.

- I'm gonna get the shovel.
- Those aren't raccoons.

That's my pregnant wife.

And that's the sound she makes
right before I lose a fortune

and 18 years of my life.

It's baby time.

I'll still get the shovel.

And breathe, and
we're having a baby.

Well, you're having a
baby, but I'm assisting,

and once that happens, I'm
gonna be a certified doula.

Right, Pure Moods I
or Pure Moods II?

Both? Both? Both? Yes, both.

Oh look baby,
here's your father.

He spent your college tuition
on racist magic tricks.

Out of going to magic school
and following my dreams.

Your mommy's a dream murderer.

Hey, hey, don't say that!
No, no, no, no.

You've got to use
lovely, positive words

to welcome this baby
into a peaceful space.

Lovely words like
"love" and "harmony"

and "certified doula."

Dream murderer. Dream murderer.

Get away from my belly. Ah!

Oh, guys, enough, okay?

I am having an
actual crisis here.

Do 13-year-olds
still like Doritos?

What?

Why is this taking so long?

I usually shoot these
puppies right out.

The last time, the doctor
nicknamed my birth canal

"The Slip'n Slide," remember?

This baby better
not have inherited

your procrastinator gene.

Me? You're the one who's
genetically incapable

of showing up on time.

- Stop it, stop it.
- Oh, that is so...

Enough fighting. The
more you fight,

the more stressed Laurie gets,

and the longer it's gonna
take till baby o'clock.

You're baby-blocking me.

I'm not baby-blocking you.

- Get out! - That...
- I'm Here.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- Get out of my hospital room!

That's not what I meant.

Okay, fine. Then I'll
curtain-block you.

- What?
- No, don't curtain daddy.

You can't curtain-block me.
I'm right here. Ha ha ha!

- Oh!
- Good-bye.

Still here.

- Out.
- No.

- Huh?
- Give me this curtain.

This is my curtain!

Definitely don't
tug-of-war in mid-labor.

Her bed's moving!

Stop it!

Oh!

Fine, you win. I'll be
in the waiting room.

Not together.

Suck it.

You took everything down,

even the photo of Sriracha
meeting Paula Abdul.

Look, buddy, I loved your booth,

but I started to feel like
it was so much about me

and not enough
about songwriting.

I don't know. It felt
like I was showing off.

I think people would've
had a lot of fun

with the Will cutout
strumming the guitar.

I'm sure they would have.
I'm sure they would have.

But you know my motto...
Modesty is the best policy.

I thought your motto was "Deep
conditioning isn't just for women."

Well, it isn't, but, you know,

every man should
have two mottos.

All right.

It is pretty cool

that you brought in all your
guitars just for my career day.

Right? But listen,
this is a big day.

I know it's important to you.

All right?

What up, my Clayer? That's
"Clay" and "player."

I combined them.
That's what I did.

Yep, mm-hmm, clever. Hey.

Hey, Marcus, this is Liz
my girlfriend's son.

We have math together.

Oh, right. Hey, Marvin.

We're not close.

Hey, Clay, you left
your lunch in the car.

Whoa. Your booth
is looking good.

Tell you that, yeah.

Is it? Analog
instruments, really?

Look, all good music nowadays
is electronic, all right?

Calvin Harris, Tiesto,
Skrillex, they're the future.

Well, I love Tiesto. I
mean, they're awesome.

That goes without saying.

Tiesto is one guy.

Yeah that's what I meant.

I-I said "they" because I
don't believe in gender.

You know what?

I think I put too
much pressure on you.

You guys don't
have to get along.

Oh, man.

I gotta go work.

All right, well, listen,
I got a plan, okay?

- Okay.
- It's a good one.

I'm gonna take care
of it all, all right?

All right, I need a plan.

Hey, thanks for delivering
this on such short notice.

I really appreciate it.

And we appreciate you
paying the $500 rush fee.

Hey, no problem.

If it's going to impress the coolest
kid in school, it is worth it.

He's even got a cool-kid name...
Clay.

God, I'm intimidated
just saying it.

Tiesto's gonna sound
great on this.

You know, Tiesto's just one guy.

Okay.

Hey, you guys know
a kid named Clay?

Hey, careful with that.
That's a rental.

Hello, I've recently been
stabbed in the heart

by my best friend and
left in the dust

for his girlfriend's cooler
and more popular son.

Yeah, I feel you.

My girlfriend left
me for a programmer.

Programmers get all the play.

Mind if I talk to you in an
effort to make him jealous?

As long as you take a pamphlet,

I don't care what
your motivations are.

Oh, Walter, you are hilarious!

You have the best booth
at the whole fair,

and I love being
your new best friend

and confidant!

I know none of this is real.

But it's still nice to hear.

And since we're getting close,

I should be honest with you.

I've never had a girlfriend.
There, I said it.

It feels good to talk
to someone finally.

All right, Laurie,

get ready to be doula'd.

Hi, Laurie. How you feeling?

Oh, terrible.

I thought Andy being gone
was gonna speed things up.

Oh, dear. Oh, God.

Oh, look, Andy left his jacket.

Oh.

Ooh, what's that?

Oh, what is it?

Looks like it's a list
of ways to earn $10,000.

Oh, my God.

He's trying to earn back the money
he blew on those magic tricks.

Aw!

And look at the last one that he circled...
"Donate plasma."

You know, I did see him signing
some forms in the waiting room.

Looks like he's willing
to sell part of his body

to provide for
your unborn child.

Aw!

Oh.

You think he's still out there?

Oh, yeah. No, he's... he's there
sleeping in the waiting room.

He's just going,
"Laurie, Laurie."

I guess if he wanted to come
back in, I'd be okay with it.

Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Brilliant.

Ooh, and listen,

probably don't mention
the plasma-scheme thing,

'cause you know how men
are with their pride...

about their plasma.

Okay.

It's here the baby?

Oh, no, not yet, no. It's
quite boring in there.

Not a whole lot to doula.

Laurie's deep in her iPad.

She's looking at magic schools
in northern California.

She's looking at
magic schools...

Because she's trying
to make it up to me.

She wants me back.

Gosh, now you say that, that...

That does make
sense, doesn't it?

- I'm gonna go in there.
- Oh no, wait, Hold on, hold on.

Because she probably wants it
to be a surprise, doesn't she?

I mean, you don't want her
thinking you're only going

in there because now you
get to go to magic school.

That's good.

Doula'd! Yes.

Hey, Clay, check out
my EDM equipment, man.

Naw. I'm good.

I thought it would be fun
if we made some beats,

you know, lay down a few tracks.

Would you stop already? Okay,
I know what you're doing.

What do you mean?

Music is your baseball.

What?

Okay, the last guy to like
my mom was Mike, okay?

Mike heard that I liked to play baseball,
so he took me to see the Giants.

Before Mike was Hank, and he
saw me playing Mario Kart,

so he took me go-karting.

Before Hank was Jim, and Jim
misunderstood a joke I made

and took me to see
Man of La Mancha?

Point is, guys always pretend to
give a crap about what I like,

so they can hook up with my mom,
and then a few weeks later,

surprise, surprise, they
don't care about me anymore.

You're right.

Listen, me trying to bond
with you is about your mom,

but it's not because I'm
trying to hook up with her.

It's because I like her. Like,
I really, really like her.

Yeah, my mom's pretty all right.

You are the most important
person in her life,

so I thought it would
make her happy

if we got to know each other.

That's all I want to do. I
just want to make her happy.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, I mean, I guess
we can try this out...

For my mom's sake.

You know, I bet Clay
wouldn't even like Will

if it wasn't for
his flashy booth.

The only thing bonding those two
is some fancy DJ equipment.

Walter, you wouldn't
happen to know

anything about
hacking, would you?

Look at me. What do you think?

Is anybody watching us?

No. Okay, when you get
in, just cut the power.

Yeah, okay. I've already gotten

into the school's computer system...
easy.

But the power grid is
password protected,

so I'm gonna have
to use a program

using a binary code
system so complex

that it tries 8 million
passwords per second.

Isn't that amazing?

But, of course, as
you can imagine,

it could take minutes,
it could take hours.

I mean, who knows?

And at that point,
anyone could catch us.

Oh, my gosh. I've
never felt so alive.

Okay, maybe just try the
password "Michelle."

You know, that's Principal
Goldenrod's wife.

Yeah, I'll try it, but it's
not going to be that simple.

Sweet, we're in!

My life is one big anticlimax.

Aw! What?

All right.

Sorry, guys, I
think we're having

a little technical
difficulty here.

Give us a sec.

What happened?

So...

Bummer about the inexplicable
power outage, huh, guys?

Guess it's time
for you to return

to your existing social circle

and just never think about the
fun you had here ever again.

Hey, um, Will, you know,

me and my mom are going to
get burgers after the fair,

and I was wondering if
maybe you wanted to come.

I mean, I guess that
wouldn't totally suck.

Cool, man. I'd really like that.

Burgers? Okay, you know what?

Music is one thing, but
a meat-related outing?

Have fun with your new
best friend, Clay.

It's an awesome ride,
but be warned.

As soon as someone shiny
and new comes along,

he'll leave you in the dust.

Marcus, what is going on, man?

I-I-I'm sorry I didn't hang
out with you today, but...

Okay, you know what?
Just forget it, Will.

I think there's only one
thing left to say to you.

What is that?

I'm giving you the finger.

That's not the finger, buddy.

Feel the burn.

That's not it either.

Okay, I get it. I get it.

I'm stupid at everything,

and Clay probably knows how
to give the finger correctly.

I do.

Yeah, that's it right there.

Will this nightmare never end?

I-I got to go talk to him.

Is he really your best friend?

Yeah. Like I said, it's
kind of complicated.

- I'm so glad you're back.
- Me too, honey.

What can I get you?

You want a snack? Do
you want ice chips?

No, no, no. No, thanks.
How about you?

Are you light-headed at all?

No. Why would I be
light-headed, honey?

Yeah, why would he
be light-headed.

Oh, Andy, Fiona told me not to
say anything, but I have to.

No, I know, I know, I know,
and I just wanted to say

thank you so much
for enrolling me

in magic school.

Fiona told me, honey.

I didn't enroll you
in magic school.

We don't have any money.

Isn't that why you're
donating your plasma?

Honey, why would I
donate my plasma?

Because... Fiona said...

Wait. Fiona said...

- Well, the thing is...
- Oh, I know what the thing is.

You wanted a quick fix so that
we would get back together,

have the baby, and
then you could get

your stupid doula certification.

Well, you know what?

You can't play with
people's lives

for your own selfish
needs, Fiona.

Well, I mean, I do
really, really want

my doula certificate.

I-I mean, it was
maybe a bit selfish,

but... but the other thing
that's going on here

is that you're too busy
fighting to realize

how incredibly lucky you
are to have each other.

Do you know where Marcus's dad
was when he was being born?

He was in Antarctica.

He wanted to stay there and watch
the birth of an albino penguin

rather than see the
birth of his own child.

I would have loved to have
someone who loved me by my side,

and the fact that
you're choosing

not to be with each other is
a bit of a slap in the face

for those of us that didn't
actually have a choice.

Honey.

She's right.

I know.

We're so lucky to
have each other.

We have each other.

We may drive each other crazy,
but we have each other.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

It's happening! Doula!

Doula!

Let's remember...

- Help!
- It's coming!

Yes, it is. Right, right, right.

Now!

Turn your "ow" into "wow."

There you go.

Waah!

You must ride the wave
of each contraction.

Be the birther/surfer.

What?

Oh.

Hey, bud, I didn't know
you played basketball.

Been looking everywhere for you.

You know, I'm a big fan
of the "stew and swish."

Yeah.

Not so great at the swish.

Well, keep working at it.

Look, you know, I'm sorry
about this whole Clay thing.

You know, I... we do so much
awesome stuff together,

I felt like it would
be okay just this once

if I did some cool stuff
with somebody else.

No, you know what? It's fine.
I understand.

Clay's just a more
natural fit for you.

I've never seen the
top of the backboard

down onto the rim.

You know,

he's an awesome DJ.

He knows everything about S&M.

You see? He's just...
He's more your speed.

Look, Marcus, listen, buddy,
he's not replacing you, man.

He could never do that.

It's just... It's really important
to Liz that I get to know him.

Wait, this whole thing today, it was...
it was for Liz?

Yeah, of course.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

- There you are.
- Yeah.

Clay mentioned something about
you tagging along with us

for some burgers?

Yes, um, here's the thing...

- He can't wait.
- I can't?

Nope, I promised the
computer virus guy

that I'd hang with him.

You know, I was actually worried

Will would have nothing
to do this afternoon,

so thanks for taking
him off my hands.

Sure.

Look at that, I'm open.

All right, let's go get
some double-doubles.

- Yeah.
- Here you go, buddy.

I'll see you.

This game is impossible.

Can I hold her, Mom?

You have absolutely no
experience holding babies.

You know, I never thought I'd
say this, but let me have her.

Nope, you're never getting
your fat, sausage-y fingers

on this child.

What are you... I
have nice hands.

They're manly yet delicate.

C-can I hold my baby?

No, this is really woman's
work, actually, Andy.

I pushed her out of my vagina.
Can I hold her?

I am the doula.

- Fiona, honestly...
- Mom, come on.

I pushed her out of my vagina,
so I should be able to hold her.

This is kidnapping.
I'm calling the cops.

- You're hogging her.
- Come on, Mom.

You got to cut the cord. Let
somebody else hold her.

This is kidnapping. It's
literally kidnapping.