About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - About a Trunk - full transcript

Oh, hey, Shea.

I don't see you smiling like
that first thing in the morning.

Did something bad
happen to Taylor Swift?

No, the Region 7 movie
is coming out tonight.

Based on the amazing
post-apocalyptic graphic novel?

Oh, I see.

I tend to stick to the more
pre-apocalyptic stuff.

According to the Internet,
the movie doesn't even suck.

I'm dying to see it.

Well, as your
official boyfriend,

it is my official
duty to take you.



Cool. It's only playing
in the Megadome in 3-D.

Uh, the Megadome?

Isn't that the place
with the $16 tickets?

Plus four for 3-D glasses

and the ungodly markup
on popcorn and candy...

Uh, hey, so you walking
me to school or not?

Of course.

I am your official boyfriend.

Which is, sadly, an
unpaid position.

Boom!

Gobble, gobble. Two
more for the gobbler.

You have no idea how
much I needed this.

- This is amazing.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, do you want to be alone
with the dipping sauces,



or what do you need?

The reason what I call the Kim Jong-Un
stage of her pregnancy right now...

She's a ruthless,
waddling little dictator

who's denied her
people of all food.

On this conflict-free,
sugar-free diet.

It's supposed to be
good for the baby.

She took the cookies.
She took the candy.

Then she came for the ketchup.

You can't take a man's ketchup.

Well, have no fear.

Sit back, relax,

because you've got
double-fried hot wings

here at Thunderballs.

We got a beautiful view...

- Of what?
- Of Fiona's boyfriend.

What is Mr. Snooty Pants
Shakespeare doing at Thunderballs?

Did he get lost on his way to
the open-shirt convention?

And who is the hottie?

Actually she is hot. Almost as hot
as this Chipotle dipping sauce

I'm about to get
into right here.

Look at his penetrating
eye stare.

That's his signature move.

It's like, "are you
talking to me, Chris,

or are you trying to eat
the skin off of my face?"

Just like I'm eating the
skin off of these wings.

Could you stop with the
wings for a second here?

This is serious. This is... this is a
potential cheating situation, Andy.

Fine.

Dude, he's coming over.
He's coming over.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's going...
this is so weird.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

Imagine running
into you guys here.

Quel coincidence spectaculaire.

This is my colleague Gabriella,

and we were... We were
just heading out.

So enjoy your winged delicacies.

Ciao.

Let's go.

"Colleague," see?

Nothing to worry about.

Are you kidding me? This
was no coincidence.

That guy is a liar, liar,
pantaloons on fire,

and I am gonna tell Fiona

ze truth!

The fact that it's also

the most epic "I
told you so" ever

is just ze icing on the cake.

I called this, Andy. I called
this the minute that little man

pranced into Fiona's life.

I called this!

♪ Well, maybe it's
the common curse ♪

♪ maybe things get bad
before they get worse ♪

♪ I don't want to
become someone ♪

♪ who can't live up to what
I already done, don't ♪

♪ here comes a comeback ♪

♪ the kid is back,
is back on track ♪

♪ and there goes my hero ♪

♪ he's the underdog, he's
coming out on top, and ♪

Ow.

What?

I have some news,
and it's not good.

I think you should take a seat.

I'm just gonna get
right to it, Fiona.

Here it goes:

I was at Thunderballs
with Andy tonight,

and we saw something disturbing.

I would imagine you see quite
a few disturbing things

at a place called
"Thunderballs."

That is true,

but this was
uniquely disturbing,

and I would be remiss if I
didn't tell you about it.

Did you run into my boyfriend?

Yes, I did.

How did you know...

How do you know that?

Is that Will?

Ah, we meet again, sir.

You know, I'm starting to think

you're getting a bit
of a crush on me.

H-how did he... What...

When was...

What's going on?

You move like the night.

So Gabriella runs
an education NGO

that I do some consulting with,

and she's only in town
for a short while,

so we needed to
find a spot to meet

halfway between my
school and her hotel.

And whom do I run into?

"Whom" indeed.

It is such a small
world, isn't it?

Cosmically speaking, absolutely.

Anyway, I just popped in to
say a quick buenas noches.

- Buenas noches.
- I got to shuffle off.

I've got a huge day tomorrow.
Good night.

Will, I will see you
in five minutes.

Just kidding.

Stop stalking me.

Don't touch me.

All right, see you later, bro.

Bye, guys.

Okay, we are not buying
this for one second.

Buying what?

He's lying to you.

I was there.

He was in a dark corner

talking to a very
attractive woman,

leaning in real close
to her, like this.

Like he was actually interested
in what she had to say?

This is not an interested lean.

This is the sex lean.

I perfected this lean.

I invented this lean.

Chris is not you.

He is sensitive,
and he's layered.

The only layers he has...

Layer one,

I am a tool boyfriend
with a shite-y haircut,

and layer number
two, cheating toad.

On the contrary, Chris
is a kind, worldly,

sophisticated man whom I love.

Spoiler alert: I love him.

And I am planning a
ritual tomorrow night

where I'm gonna
tell him just that.

Why are you planning a ritual
to tell him you love him?

And... but why do you love him?

We're right together.

He is the almond
milk in my chai.

He is the kimchi on my hemp dog.

I'm telling you, the
kimchi has gone bad.

Kimchi is meant to go bad, Will.

Fermentation is what produces all
of its nutritional benefits.

Burn.

And this beautiful collection
of gently-used knives

can almost spread any butter.

Here. Check this out.

You just take a nice
glob, and you just...

Well, you see, the almond's
a little on the chunky...

Side.

And they could be
yours for only $73.

For your mom's old knives?

They don't even cut.

Well, I'm not permitted
to handle sharp objects.

You're right. Hopeless.

I apologize for
wasting your time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you so
desperate for money?

Doesn't Fiona give
you an allowance?

Oh, she does.

An emotional allowance.

But they don't accept
hugs at the movies,

which is where I'm
taking my girlfriend.

I'll tell you what.

If you can put together the crib

that Andy has been too
inept to assemble...

- No.
- I will pay you.

- I got it.
- 25 bucks.

- No.
- 25 bucks?

I'll throw in a sandwich.

Persuasive.

Deal.

Deal.

I got a couple breakfast
burritos for us.

And I've got some gummy bears.

I know how you like
the clear ones.

Can you just settle
down, all right?

This a stakeout. It's not one of
your mommy groups, all right?

So you do not want
a squeeze-gurt.

Give me that.

I am so excited about this.

It's like we're a buddy cop duo.

And by the way, can
I be the hothead

who doesn't play by the rules?

'Cause Laurie's always
got me playing...

Oh, shh-shh.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.

There he is. Stay
sharp, partner.

Here we go. It's go time.

Look at you, Chris.

Whistle.

Nobody whistles unless they
got something to hide, Andy.

Or they're a dwarf.

Copy that.

We won't rest until we
expose his web of lies.

Or until 3:00 when Madison's
got to go down for a nap.

She doesn't nap by 3:00 then
she's a total b-i-t-c-h.

Oh, he's moving.

Okay, put your seat belt on.

This is gonna get crazy.

Oh, where you going
now, Casanova?

Uh, uh... oh. A gym?

Don't worry. He's gonna slip.

And when he does,
we'll be there.

Another gym? What?

You got to admit, it
really works for him.

I do not admit!

Oh, did you see him just
blow by that homeless guy?

Two hours to work out,

but not one minute
for a homeless man.

How layered is that?

Pretty layered.

He literally just gave the guy
the shirt off of his own back.

He found homes for
a box of kittens,

and he taught that
veteran how to read,

but it's sure hard
to do good deeds

when you're at a strip club.

When you're at a strip club.

Busted.

- Got you now.
- Jackpot.

You're not gonna like this.

What? Give me that.

What? No. No.

You've got to be kidding me.

Give me the keys.

I'm going rogue.

You're going rogue in my car?

With my kids?

That's a good catch.

I can go rogue in a Town Car.

Hey.

"Hey, it's Chris.

"I can't wait to have morally
reprehensible sex with you

behind my girlfriend's back."

"Yes,

"just like that tall, handsome
man at the bar predicted.

He is always right."

Hmm.

- Aha!
- Geez!

Ah.

Will! Bloody hell.

Just making sure you
guys are playing safe.

No glove, no love, right?

Are you completely insane?

Okay, first of all, when
I followed him here,

I clearly thought he was
meeting someone else,

so that's on me.

Wait, you were following me?
Why would you do that?

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

If you want to ask a question,
you got to raise your hand.

Oh, my God. Have you
lost it completely?

Okay, listen, I may have
been slightly mistaken

about what was, you
know, going on in here,

but that little tête-à-tête
at Thunderballs

was more than a
business meeting.

I would bet my
life on it, Fiona.

No, no, no.

I would bet my hair on it.

You know, not right now,
obviously, with the hat head-y,

but when it's firing
on all cylinders.

And I'm gonna tell
you, I will be damned

if I let Fiona carry
through on her plan

to tell you that she
loves you on a day...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You were gonna tell
me you loved me?

Yeah, and this is exactly
how I wanted to do it.

I was gonna get a room, fill
it with flowers and champagne,

so I could have my
neighbor come over here

and just with his
big, trumpet-y gob,

just blurt it out.

Would you mind
possibly pissing off?

- I'm telling you right now, I...
- Let me rephrase that.

Get out!

- No. Fiona!
- Get out.

- Don't trust him.
- Get out.

Don't trust him. Don't
have sex with him.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry about that.

Can we still salvage what's
left of the evening?

Fiona, uh...

Will may not be
entirely an idiot.

At least not in this regard.

It was more than a
business meeting.

Well, what was it?

It was a job offer.

Gabriella and some of
our former colleagues

have put together

this incredible
leadership academy,

only they lost their
principal last minute,

and they need someone
to fill in right away.

An academy where?

In Tanzania.

Tanzania, Africa, Tanzania?

Well, that's very
far away, isn't it?

You have no idea how heavily
this has been weighing on me.

I haven't been able
to make up my mind.

I mean, one minute I
think it's a great idea.

The next minute... I can't
imagine leaving you,

leaving this.

Look, they're asking for a
three-month commitment.

And I know, right now,
that that feels like

a lifetime when we're just
starting to lay the foundation

of our life together.

Just three months?

Just three months,

and then I'd... I'd
come right back,

if you'll have me.

Oh, I mean, you have to do it.

It's a great chance to let
you pursue your dreams.

I'll be here when you come back.

I mean, I won't be here.

I'll be in my house.

With more clothes on.

I don't even think
this is on right.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To quite simply the finest
woman I have ever known.

And less importantly,
but worth mentioning,

to Will not being right.

Look at this, Andy.

- Mm-Hmm.
- Almost done.

What has taken you
weeks not to do

was done in one day by a child.

Speedy little
fellow, aren't you?

Well, I actually can't
believe how easy it was.

Of course, I am an excellent
follower of directions,

Let's face it: An excellent
follower in general.

Well, maybe you can teach
Andy a thing or two.

He can't seem to put
anything together

except an excuse.

I just peed my pants
emphasizing that word.

I hate my whole life.

Man, you got to feel for Laurie,

hitching her wagon
to someone like you?

All right, I didn't want
it to come to this,

but you leave me no choice.

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

This isn't just an
unfinished nursery.

It's much more than that.

It's a pop-up man cave.

And the sooner we
get this work done,

the sooner I get to losing

this tiny, beautiful
oasis of solitude

amidst this house of chaos.

Wow. Andy.

I'm actually impressed.

You should be.

So he was lying.

I was right. Just admit it.

You weren't. You were,
at best, wrong-ish.

This beautiful man was
faced with a dilemma.

Does he go abroad and plant the
seedof learning in Tanzania,

or does he stay and nurture

the delicate seedling
of our love?

Ugh, that may be the
single barf-iest sentence

ever uttered.

You're wrong,

and you just can't get that fact

through your thick, swollen head

of frankly deeply
overrated hair.

Don't you think for a moment

that you, in fact, are the one
who's not seeing the truth?

That you want so badly

for Chris to be this
rotting condiment

of your dreams

that you're just gonna
wait and wait around,

and he's just gonna
break your heart?

I'm a nonviolent person,
but I would like you

to imagine me slapping
you really hard

across the face right now.

Just don't come crying
to me when I'm right.

All right, look, I knew having a
girlfriend would be labor-intensive,

but I had no idea how
expensive it would be.

Oh, tell me about it.

That's why I didn't even have

a girlfriend in middle school.

- Too much dough.
- Is that why, Andy?

Well, the headgear didn't...
Didn't help either.

All right, look.

I feel for you.

And that's why I'm gonna
cut you some slack.

What're you talking about?

I'm willing to keep this
little secret of ours

for, say...

100 bucks.

Are you kidding me?

After I empty my soul,

share my secrets, my beverages?

You want this precious
little oasis of yours,

and I want a stellar
date with my girlfriend.

I'm sure you and me,
we can work this out.

You're a mean little
guy, you know that?

You know what's really mean?

What?

I would've taken 50.

Come in. It's open.

Hello.

Aw, are you a sight
for sore eyes.

Well, I knew you'd
be madly packing,

so I brought you
some extra boxes.

- And some wine.
- Beautiful.

That wine isn't in a box.

It's in a bottle.

It's a lovely gesture,
but you know what?

I'm actually... I'm
all done packing.

Wait.

I hate to tell you,
but you have missed

quite a few things.

Oh, what, all this stuff?

The artwork and the furniture?

No, none of this is mine.

This all came with the sublet.

No, I'm very proud to say

that everything I
own in the world...

Fits right in this trunk.

What, literally
everything that you own

is in that trunk?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'd need a whole separate trunk

just for hair products.

When I was 18 and
I was traveling

through Thailand for
the first time,

I met this sect of monks

who had this rule
where each monk

could only have five
things in life.

Well, I made a vow
right then and there

that everything I
truly need in life

would fit inside a trunk,

and I have been so much
happier ever since.

Let me open that wine.

- ♪ So, so def ♪
- ♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ In the Ferrari or Jaguar ♪

♪ switchin' four lanes ♪

♪ with the top down
screamin' out ♪

♪ money ain't a thang ♪

♪ Bubble hard in the double R ♪

♪ flashin' the rings ♪

♪ with the window
cracked, holler back ♪

♪ money ain't a thang ♪

♪ I don't like it ♪

♪ if it don't gleam clean ♪

♪ and to hell with the price ♪

♪ 'cause the money
ain't a thang ♪

♪ put it down hard for my dogs ♪

♪ that's locked in the bang ♪

♪ when you hit the
bricks, new whips ♪

♪ money ain't a thang, come on ♪

♪ y'all wanna floss with us ♪

♪ 'cause all across the
ball, we burn it up ♪

♪ drop a little paper,
baby, toss it up ♪

♪ ya slackin' on your
pimpin', turn it up ♪

♪ See, the money ain't a thang ♪

Those things are everywhere.
We're never gonna make it.

Don't give up.

Did you hear that?

Hey.

If you look on the
bright side, I...

I'll be able to send some really
interesting fabrics from Tanzania.

I know textiles are
your weakness.

I'm gonna go and get the
school up on its feet.

I'm gonna get them out
of this jam, and then...

And then the next great
opportunity's gonna come along,

and you're gonna jump on it.

No, that is not the plan.

The plan is, I go, I do the job,

and I come right back.

That's not who you are.

You're not a planner.

You're a free spirit.

You go where the inspiration
leads you, and...

I'm... I'm... I'm not
gonna do this job.

I'm gonna cancel.

I'm gonna call
them and tell them

I... I can't do it.

Darling, it's not about the job.

It's about the trunk.

Your entire life
fits into one trunk.

You move lightly
through the world.

But Marcus and I,

we're heavier than
that, you know?

We don't fit in there, do we?

That is crazy.

I'll make room. I want to.

And there was a time
when I would've waited

and waited and waited and
waited for that to happen.

But I can't do that now.

I have to see exactly
what is in front of me,

not what I wish was there.

And what I see is
an incredible man

whose entire life
fits into a taxi.

And I've got to let him go.

I love you.

I know you never actually
got a chance to say it.

I love you, Fiona.

Well, you were right.

Don't worry.

I won't come crying to you.

Come here.