About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 14 - About a Boyfriend - full transcript

All right, you may be wondering why
I've gathered both of you here today.

Your email said that there
would be breakfast pastries.

Budgetary constraints.

I've decided it's time for me
to take it to the next level

with my LOML.

- Your what now?
- LOML.

It stands for "love of my life."

I'm trying to make it
the next big acronym.

That's gonna be
an uphill battle.

Darling, what do you
mean by "next level"?

I want to ask Shea
to be my girlfriend.



Oh, n-na...

Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ho-ho-ho...

Hold on. Hold on.
I don't know...

I don't know if we could
be any happier for you.

- Really?
- Really.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Go get her.
- Go get her.

Thanks, you guys. I'm
gonna go work on my ask.

What was... what... What was that?
Huh?

Because Shea is not who I intend

to be my someday
daughter-in-law.

- What?
- Yeah. No, it could happen.

First they're dating.

Then Marcus is struggling
to pay child support



for their unplanned twins.

Job market's crap, and
the next thing you know,

he's had to take a job
modeling to pay the bills.

- He... he does?
- First it's catalog.

But the runway always
comes calling.

Shea and Marcus are
never going to date.

Shea will never say yes to him.

How do you know that for sure?

Give me an S-H-E...

Give me an A. What
does that spell?

- Shea!
- Yeah.

His irrepressible joie de vivre

will be wasted on
the likes of Shea.

Yup, so why forbid it and become
the bad guy for no reason?

I am brilliant. You're welcome.

So what, we just let him go out
there and get his heart broken?

Look, I don't want the little dude
hurting any more than you do.

You know, but being
rejected by a girl

is kind of like a
male rite of passage.

Like, it's like going
from briefs to boxers

or boxers to boxer-briefs.

Yeah, but he still
wears the ones

with the Spider-Man
on his bottom.

Trust me on this one, okay?

It's not our job to intervene.

It's our job to be
there to comfort him

and to pick up the pieces.

Okay.

I suppose you're right.

I hate saying that.

Here we go.

Knock, knock.

- Hello.
- Hey.

How are you?

Oh, wait. Did we have plans?

I'm so confused since I switched

from the Jewish calendar
to the lunar calendar.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We didn't have plans.

Tonight is a huge meteor shower,

and I figure if we leave now,

we have time to get up to my
friend's observatory in Oregon.

Pack your bags.

We are going on an
adventure, baby.

Oh, that sounds incredible...

baby.

But you know, I've got to
stay with Marcus tonight.

Yes, of course.

Ah, I'm so sorry.

I got caught up in
the excitement.

I mean, you know how
I get about meteors.

I know, well, you go
and enjoy the shower,

and then we're still on
for tomorrow, right?

Yes, of course.

We are one for dinner
tomorrow night

here at your house again.

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

No, no, no. I meant...

Tomorrow night.
Dinner here again.

'Cause I'm gonna make pesto.

But get this:

I'm gonna infuse the pine nuts

with red cabbage so it's pink.

Pink pesto.

- Mm-hmm.
- How wild is that?

- That's pretty wild.
- Right?

- I can't wait.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Tomorrow night.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Oh, cabbage.

You are not what men want.

As this graph clearly
demonstrates,

we've experienced a steady
increase in affection

over time.

Insults are down. Texts are up.

And last month, one butt dial.

But this month, eight
intentional calls.

Basically, what I'm
trying to say here is:

will you be my girlfriend?

- Why?
- I like you.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

- No.
- Then why do you want one now?

- I like you.
- What's the catch?

I am.

It's a little joke.

Uh, no catch.

Grieving but healing.

What is that smell?

Why are you spraying
lingerie with sour juice?

It's not sour juice.
It's patchouli water.

I am preparing a grieving robe

for Marcus to deal
with Shea's rejection.

Patchouli robe.

Are you comforting Marcus
or a middle-aged lesbian?

I am gonna help
Marcus get over Shea

like a man with a six-pack
and some dead animals.

Oh!

That is comforting, actually.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, darling.
- Hey, buddy.

Shea said yes!

I'm a boyfriend now.

Wait. And you made me ribs.

And a victory robe to celebrate.

This is the bet day ever.

Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Buddy.

Those are completely raw.

And you saved me
from salmonella.

Even better best day ever.

Yes.

Victory.

I just can't believe that my
little baby has a girlfriend.

And thank you, Will.

You... You're welcome?

You stopped me
from shutting down

what could turn out to be the grand
love story of Marcus's life.

I did?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did.

You know, the thing is, Fiona,

I always had a hunch
about that Shea.

It's quite ironic

that Marcus's love flower
blossoms while mine wilts

or, rather, dries
up from boredom.

Okay, number one:

never, ever talk about
your love flower

drying up, and number two:

what's wrong?

Is there trouble brewing
in swarthy teacher land?

Chris always wants to go on
these spontaneous adventures.

"Let's go surfing
right now," he says.

But I'm a mom.

I need notice.

I really want to plan
an adventurous date.

Well, you can't plan an
adventure, you know.

That undermines its
inherent adventure-ness.

What should I do?

I don't know. You
know, anything.

You could be sitting
down for dinner

and you'd be like, "You
know what would be awesome?

Some truffle oil."

And then you guys just get up.

You just forage for truffles.

Okay, well, it'd be awesome...
what?

What was the last bit there?

Wha... truffle oil, but that...

That was just an example, Fiona.

A perfect example.

Hold on to your hat, Chris.

We're going truffle hunting

on a whim.

Brilliant!

Oh, boy.

- Hey, girlfriend.
- Hey, Pasty.

Ah, sweet relief.

If I'm still soaking in
ten minutes, unplug this.

I got to get started
on Shea's homework.

You shouldn't be doing
errands for Shea.

That's not what a
boyfriend does.

- It's not?
- No.

Well, that explains why none of
the other boyfriends at school

have developed shin splints.

You need to change the dynamic

of your relationship
with Shea ASAP.

- How?
- By taking her on a date

and making her see you
as a man, all right?

Otherwise you're gonna turn
into a whipped, neutered

shell of your former self.

Fire up the Xbox.

I got 15 minutes until
I have to pick up

Laurie's eyeglasses

and then get her skirt suits
from the dry cleaner.

What?

Why are you guys looking
at me like that?

Oh, my God. I'm
turning into Andy.

Okay, not yet. You still
got a lot of time.

Just relax.

Guys, I'm standing right here.

Quiet, Andy. Men are talking.

All right, I'll ask her out.

All right, what are you gonna do?
You do a little text action?

- Um...
- All right, here we go.

I, uh...

Just be direct, all right?

Got it.

Okay.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

That's solid. No nonsense there.

"Ok."

- She said ok!
- Yeah, buddy!

Whoo!

Why are you so excited?

Oh, I don't have to pick up the
skirt suits until Wednesday.

- Oh, boy.
- Hey!

You the man!

Oh, the meteors,
they looked like

a million tiny, little
shooting stars.

It was one of those
nights where I was just

glad to be alive
and in the moment.

You ever had one of those?

Oh, no. This pasta
is terribly bland.

No, I think it's delicious.

I wonder what it needs.

Maybe a little black pepper.

I've got it. Truffles.

Let's go scavenging for
them right now on a whim.

Um, okay.

Great.

Oh, no, wait.

I better just blow out the candles
'cause of the fire hazard.

Oh, let 'em burn! Adventure!

Here I come.

Okay, here she comes.

Quick: hit me withhe ground
rules one more time.

All right, always stick
to the date plan

no matter what she says.

Always hold the door.
Never hold her purse.

Boom! You got this.

- Yes.
- Come on. Go.

Oh, my god. Look at
how cute she looks.

I'm gonna hold whatever
she wants me to hold.

Marcus, remember Andy. Pathetic.

Andy. Pathetic.
Andy, Andy, Andy.

Hi. You're perfect.

I mean, um...

What's up?

Oh, right.

Pasty.

Skinny jeans.

Blue... highlights hair.

Good one.

Marcus, why don't you tell Shea

about the date you
got planned tonight?

Well, we'll be sharing
an evening of bowling,

along with fries, arcade games,

and a pitcher of orange soda.

No.

Swirl Jam for frozen yogurt.

Skinny Jeans! To Swirl Jam.

Ooh! Look.

I think... ooh, I
found another one.

Mm... Not a truffle.

If you eat this, you'll
get epic hallucinations

and almost definitely die.

Let's put that over there.

Gosh.

Is there anything
that you don't know?

Well, I didn't know where
tonight was gonna lead us

and that we'd be out
here, off the grid.

Oh, no service!

Hmm?

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I... you know, it has been

a lovely adventure, hasn't it?

But should we head back and
truffle up our dinner?

We could, or...

I know a fantastic hot spring

about 15 minutes up the road.

We could hike.

Oh, well, we don't have
our bathing suits.

Neither did Adam and Eve.

Well, that's not strictly true,

'cause Eve had the
fig leaf two piece.

Just trust me.

All right, so you got
your classic flavors:

you got chocolate,
vanilla, peanut butter,

but if you're feeling
a little adventurous,

you could take a walk on
the peppermint mocha side.

Gonna need some samples, Pasty.

On it.

First time?

- What's that?
- Chaperoning?

We do the whole "be cool
and hang back" thing.

- Which one's yours?
- Uh, Marcus.

Oh, Marcus is the one
that's dating Shea now.

- Oh, my gosh.
- It's very weird.

It's a very weird relationship.

She's, like, popping right now
from relationship to relationship.

Excuse me... what are
you guys talking about?

Shea just broke up with Viper,

that dark little storm
cloud behind the counter.

It was quite the uggo splitsky.

No bueno.

I'm having a little trouble
understanding your mom speak.

What does that mean?

I'm saying that Shea is using
Marcus to make Viper jelly.

And jelly means jealous?

Obvi.

Obvi.

- That's no bueno.
- Mm-mm.

Voila!

What a beautiful view

from right here.

Come on, we can sit and
watch this anytime.

Let's do this, Fiona.

Come on.

They all naked, do you think?

- Probably.
- Probably, aren't they?

All right.

You're not gonna
keep your short...

You don't have to keep
your short... no.

Listen, I figure you can
put your dress in my shirt

so it doesn't get dirty.

Oh, gah!

Isn't that funny
how that's the...

The exact thing I
was worried about.

Ha!

Oh, here, give me your coat.

That's white; don't
want to get that dirty.

Put that right there.

Uh... all right.

Well, there we are.

Just... ah!

Nothing you haven't seen before.

Ooh! Brisk, isn't it?

Put that right in my shirt.

And here I am, naked
in the woods,

feeling wind in places I've never
actually felt wind before,

about to take a bath with
a bunch of strangers.

Come on.

- Ah.
- Ooh!

See? This isn't so bad.

Hey, look at you!
You're doing it.

I know! I'm doing it!

I'm skinny dipping!

There's nothing between
my body and the water.

Ah, this is amazing.

And you look beautiful!

Oh, I am!

I'm beautiful and
naked and free!

Police! Run!

What?

- Ah!
- Freeze, ma'am!

Ah! What's happening?

Uh, this is a... A
wildlife reserve,

so technically,
we're trespassing.

Put your hands up

and slowly come
out of the water.

All right.

Could... could you chuck
us a towel first?

Could you?

Come out of the water.

No? Okay.

Hey, Marcus!

Hey, we need to talk.

Did you know that
that guy right there

is Shea's ex-boyfriend?

Viper? Really?

Man, I got to work
on my facial hair.

I think Shea might be using
you to make Viper jealous.

No way. Shea would
never do that.

Well, then why did
she bring you here?

'Cause my girl loves
her some fro yo.

Look, I don't want to
keep my date waiting,

so if you'll excuse me.

Oh, hey, what's up?

What a co-wink-a-dink, right?

So could I just get
one half coconut,

one half mango for my
girlfriend, Shea, please?

All right.

"Sloot?"

No, you spelled it wrong.

Her name is Shea. S-H...

I know her name, but seeing
how she's ugly and stupid

and worthless, I think my
name for her is much better.

My girlfriend, Shea, is
beautiful, kind, and amazing,

and I would appreciate it if you
didn't talk about her that way.

- You would, would you?
- Yeah. I would.

What are you gonna do about it?

I don't know, I haven't
really gotten that far.

Well, ha!

Uh!

Uh! Mm.

You just lost your tip.

That was crazy.

I mean, one minute we're
eating pasta, and then boom!

We're in the woods, naked,
with sirens flashing.

That's one for the ages.

Yes. Good story.

Oh, Fiona, don't worry. This
won't go on our record.

They'll let us off
with a warning.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I'm... I... it's
just I can't have

adventures like this very often.

I mean, I could before Marcus,

but not anymore.

Well, that's... That's okay.

Yeah, no, it is...
It's okay for me.

I love being Marcus's mom,

but I can't drop everything
at a moment's notice

and go see a meteor
shower or go surfing

or skinny dipping.

And I'm not sure
what I have to offer

is enough for you.

Look, I don't need
meteor showers

or mushrooms or hot springs.

Fiona, you and me...
We're the adventure.

Okay, you two. We've
dealt with the others.

Ah!

We are ready for the warning.

Yeah.

Warning?

No, we're taking
you two downtown.

Well, not downtown.

Actually, our precinct's
in a pretty rural area,

but you're still getting booked.

They usually, uh... let
you off with a warning.

Usually.

So what's it gonna take
for you not to sue?

How 'bout a lifetime
of free frozen yogurt?

Really? That's it? Absolutely.

Damn, I think I undershot.

Hi.

Hey.

Did you just agree
to be my girlfriend

to make that Viper guy jealous?

Because I really like you,

and I think it would
be nice to have

a girlfriend that
actually likes me back.

When I first said I'd
be your girlfriend,

it was mostly 'cause I
liked having you around

to carry my stuff.

And yeah, also make
Viper jealous.

Oh.

I guess it was just hard to
believe that you were for real,

'cause usually, guys date me

because they've heard
rumors about me

or because they know
my mom's never home

and that we always have
beer in our fridge.

But hearing you say all
that nice stuff about me...

Now I know you're for real.

You're still totally weird,

but you're for real,
and I've never met

anyone like you, Pas... Marcus.

Man, I can't believe
she kissed me.

Next time, I am totally
gonna kiss back.

Yeah, you are! To kissing back!

Kissing back!

Here I am! How did it go?

Sorry I was off the grid.
Tell me everything.

So Shea was only using me

to make her ex jealous.

What?

Will!

But then I stood up to Viper.

Wait... Shea has an
ex called "Viper"?

And then Shea realized
she wanted to be

my girlfriend for real,
and I got kissed.

Oh, darling, you got kissed!

It was pretty much the
best night of my life.

Marcus, that is so wonderful.

And next time, he's
gonna kiss back.

Darling, listen, you go
upstairs and get ready for bed.

I'm gonna come up and
hear all the details.

All right.

Wait until you hear
about the part

where I got punched
in the stomach.

You got punched?

And kissed. Best
night of his life.

But it could've been the worst.
You know

he has a very sensitive stomach

because of the lactose allergy
and his hypersensitive navel,

- You can't...
- What is going on with your fingertips?

Why do you have ink on them?

That's... that is just
some rubber stamp work

From holiday cards.

Christmas was months ago.
What's going on here, Fiona?

It's fingerprint ink
from down the precinct,

where we got arrested
for skinny dipping.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Adventurous Fiona
skinny dipping!

Looks like someone's dried-up
love flower got wet!

Listen, I'm gonna
make you a deal.

You're gonna take my skinny
dipping arrest to the grave,

And I'm gonna spare
you the lecture

On what a rubbish
chaperone you are.

- Lady, you got yourself a deal.
- All right.

Although, your skinny dipping
definitely trumps my chaperoning.

Right. Now you're
gonna get a lecture.

One: You're a rubbish chaperone.

Two: You are a very poor
judge of character.

Three: You're far too
tall, Sasquatch.

Four: You're an idiot.

Five: Snip, snip, snip
on your eyebrows, okay?

Six: Your hair's too big,
and it's not the humidity.