About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - About a Cat Party - full transcript

Happy Valentine's day!

Uch. Valentine's day.

Do you not like Valentine's day?

It's such a consumerist
holiday, you know?

Why should you be forced
to buy me a present

just because the
government told you to?

Right?

You didn't plan
anything, did you?

- Nothing big.
- Good.

So we walking to school or what?

Uh, yes, uh... Can you
just give me one second?



Will, shut it all down.

Send the horse back!
She doesn't want it!

Send the horse back?

I don't know how to
drive this thing!

I'm here for the spectacle!

Oh, hi, Will.

How are you doing?
Are you all right?

There was a pancake
in my dumbwaiter.

What's going on here?

Well, you know, it's
Valentine's day.

It must be especially
hard for you, 'cause,

you know, you're
obviously alone.

Yeah, so these are
pity pancakes?

Fiona, I am single by choice.



It's okay, you can wear
your heart on your sleeve

- around me.
- This is such nonsense.

Let me tell you something.
Valentine's day

is the best day of the
year to hit on women...

- That's disgusting.
- And tonight,

I am going out, and I am
bringing the best wingman

this good earth has ever seen,

- TJ!
- TJ.

Yo, yo, yo.

That bastion of
good life choices.

And we are going to resurrect
an old favorite of ours

called "sad cupid."

You know what I'm
going to do for you?

I am going to show you
how "sad cupid" works.

All right, let's just
pretend for a moment.

This is a bar, you are
an attractive woman.

Attractive to me, okay?

Oka... never mind, let's
just move on, all right.

You're here with your
friends, I come up,

I say something like,

hey ladies, how you doing?

Yeah, I really like
your tank top.

Anyway, it's kind of a weird
night to be at a bar, right?

Yeah, I wasn't going
to go out tonight,

but my friend TJ over there,
that handsome fella, is just

having a really,
really tough time.

Yeah, he got his heart broken.

You know, this may seem
weird, but would one of you

go over there and
buy him a drink?

I just... I want
him to believe I.

I keep thinking you
can't sink any lower,

and then you do.

I'm sorry, did I
just hear threesome?

I'm so flattered,
and I'd love to,

but I couldn't do that to TJ.

One of you should
go over with him.

And that's the thing, you send
the unattractive one over there,

so you can head over there now.

And then I'm speaking to her
and we're just vibing it up.

Oh, you live in a sorority?
That's fun.

That's fun. Oh, you
have a jacuzzi?

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's...
That's okay.

I don't have a
bathing suit either.

Ooh.

Wha... what is it?

It's the tooth of a baby gibbon

I befriended in Indonesia.

They're a remarkably
romantic species.

They're monogamous. Oh,
that's very romantic.

- Yeah.
- I'll treasure it forever,

thank you.

Oh, my Goddess.

That's my doula ring.

- Calliope is in labor.
- Your first baby being born.

And on Valentine's day!
How magical!

I've got to get to the hospital.

Okay, okay, let's go.

Wait, I... oh.

Shea's coming over to see Marcus...
I've gotta call Will.

No, no, no, hold on.
I can watch them.

Really?

I'd love the opportunity
to bond with him.

Oh... You're a wonderful,
remarkable man.

Bup-bup-bup. Now go.

Assist a nurse in assisting a
doctor in assisting a woman

into bringing a child
into this world.

Wait, here, in case she
doesn't like the uke.

No offense but, I mean,
who doesn't like a uke?

Well...

- happy Valentine's day.
- Happy Valentine's day.

Me and Marcus. I got
this, I got this.

Hey, Shea, happy day
just like any other day.

Hey, Shea, nice to see you
outside of detention.

Great, a teacher.

It's gonna be a
rockin' Friday night.

You'll barely know he's here.

He'll be invisible.

I got a great idea, guys.

Can you give me

- just one minute... I'm sorry.
- Again?

This is supposed to be
my first in-house date,

and you're really
c-blocking me here.

- Excuse me?
- A cuddle block.

Will calls me it all the time.

I just... I want to
cuddle and watch a movie.

Look, I promised your
mom I'd supervise.

Okay, you need to give
me some breathing room.

- I am choking here.
- Okay.

I get it. I'll, uh...
I'll be in the kitchen

if anybody needs me.

So what are we doing?

Well, I was thinking maybe
we could watch a movie?

My mom has a collection
of black and white

British garden comedies of
manners from the 1930s.

Those are always a hoot.

That's what you have
planned for tonight?

Well, you said you didn't want
to do anything special, so...

Whatever. I don't
care what we do.

You know, I'm sensing
some angry-type vibes

coming from you. Are you
mad about something?

Nope.

- Well, good, because...
- Could you just stop talking?

Your voice is making me
want to tear my ears out.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi there.

- What can I get you?
- Okay, uh...

Well, I'll have what the
lovely lady here is having.

That's a cranberry
appletini, extra cherries.

- That's what you want?
- That sure is.

It's my favorite beverage.

- Is it?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Still feeling good
about that drink?

- Yep.
- Okay.

Well, I put extra, extra
cherries in just for you.

- Great.
- Fine.

So drink it.

That is... Quite sweet.

- Thank you.
- Mmhmm.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Hey, hey, hey! TJ
is in the house!

There are a lot of good-looking
girls here tonight,

and I for one am ready to
get my "sad cupid" on.

You know, Will, I find "sad
cupid" to be a little immature.

Immature? You have a dog named Mr.
Crapsalot.

Sir Crapsalot, and there's
been a change of plans.

- What?
- There's someone very special

I want you to meet.

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour.

- Hello.
- Will, this is Chloe.

She is from France, and I met
her on the way over here.

And I'm pretty sure
she's the one.

How's that appletini going down?

- It's going great.
- Yeah?

Thank you, yeah.

Give me another one.
Make it a double.

- You got it.
- More cherries, too.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing, man?

I am feeling feelings that I
have never felt before, Will.

I mean, I know that we just met.
This girl understands me.

Or that could just be
the language barrier.

I'm really happy for you, bud,
but we had our whole "sad cupid"

thing going on. Now
you're all coupled up.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, I'm so sorry
that happy cupid

has bit me in the ass so hard.

I've seen this whole
"feelings" thing,

and there is no
turning back, man.

Before you know it, you're gonna
have a house, a kid, a dog.

Do you think she would
get a dog with me?

Lady Crapsalot?

Look, just do one sad
cupid, and then you can go.

One round of sad cupid.

- One.
- Right now.

- Okay.
- Get sad.

Little bit sadder.

Okay, that's too much.

Hey, can I get a water, please?
Thanks.

Sorry to interrupt. I
just feel like this is...

This is such a weird night
to be out, you know?

I was supposed to stay in, but
then I gotta cheer my buddy up.

- I don't know.
- How come?

Oh, well, uh...

He's gonna kill me for
saying this, but...

What happened was his fiancee
just broke off their engagement,

and he's just...

Oh, God, it kills me,
he's heartbroken.

Whoo, on Valentine's
day, of all days.

- What are the odds?
- Yeah, what are the odds?

It's just so horrible, and uh,
it wasn't just a breakup,

she cheated on him
with his brother.

- Twin brother.
- That's awful.

Maybe she just couldn't
tell them apart.

No, they're fraternal, so
that's not what happened,

but thanks for your input.
Anyway,

he's such a sensitive
guy, you know?

He's really romantic and
it's Valentine's day,

and it's just tearing him up.

You're a really good friend.

Stop it, no, I'm just doing
what anyone would do, you know?

Anyway, I feel like I'm
bringing the energy down.

Can I buy you guys a drink?
What are you guys...

What are you drinking?

Cherry cosmopolitans with
extra sugar on the rim.

Yes, extra sugar, and take
extra time making them.

Yeah, you got it.

You know, this may seem a
little bit forward or weird,

but maybe one of you could go
over there and just talk to him,

maybe try to cheer
him up a little bit?

On the way over
he was saying how

he doesn't know if
he'll ever love again.

Said something about closing
his heart off forever.

I think he changed his mind.

Drink up!

You didn't tell me

the Vicar was coming.

We're going to be the
laughingstock of the village!

'Ello, it's me, the Vicar!

It's always nutty

when the Vicar comes.

Yeah, nutty.

I'll be right back.

This is a disaster
of epic proportions.

What happened?

- I need Will.
- Oh, no, no, no... I can help.

I'm excellent in disasters.
You know, last year I brought

joy to a small African village
that was ravaged by dysentery...

Okay, do I look like a guy

who has time for
fricking fairy tales?

Fairy tale? It
happened last year.

Will? Will, I need your help.

Valentine's day is a disaster.

No, I'm kind of busy
right now, buddy.

Shea said, "don't do anything
for Valentine's day,"

so I didn't. But now she's here,

and she seems really mad.

S- oh, boy.. Classic
girl behavior,

the old "I hate
Valentine's day" routine.

- I am so confused.
- Just trust me,

it's best to just have
presents on you at all times.

I don't have anything.
I'm screwed!

Marcus, I can help,
if you'd like.

- Shh!
- All right, well, you've come

to the right guy.
Take a deep breath.

I want you to go through
the dumbwaiter,

up my stairs to my bedroom.

Marcus!

In my closet on the left, there
are three drawers, okay?

This is my present closet.
It's for emergencies

just like this.

You have a closet full
of presents, Will?

Presents from groupies,
presents for groupes,

swag, stuff like that. Oh, wait, wait...
hey, Marcus?

Do not... I repeat... do not
open the top drawer, okay?

Under any circumstances,
no top drawer.

Okay, TJ, no, no, no, hold on!
Marcus, I gotta go.

- So I can take anything?
- You know what, Marcus?

I'm not sure any of
this stuff is right.

Do not open the top drawer!
I could get arrested.

Okay, bye, Will.

Alligator? No.

- What's this?
- Ah! Okay, then.

Let's... let's put this away.
All right.

- We're gonna get out of here.
- No, no, TJ!

Yeah, sorry, man, but Chloe is
really tired, it's jet lag.

That just means you're
going to have sex.

- Bye, sad cupid.
- Bye.

You don't even know
what that means.

Yo!

I see.

- Sympathy pour.
- Mmhmm.

That was, just so you know,
not my best game, okay?

My wingman takes off... just,
don't judge me based on that.

- Okay?
- Hey, I get it.

Come to the bar on
Valentine's day,

the easiest day of the year
to pick up desperate women.

"Maybe me and my buddy
Will do a little routine.

We call it 'sad Valentine.'"

"sad cupid," thank
you very much.

Oh, excuse me.

You know what? I'm
gonna help you out.

- What are you doing?
- Just let it happen, sad cupid.

Whoa. Thank you very much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

- She wants me to go over there.
- Sit down.

She has guys bringing her drinks
and coming over to hit on her

all night. You're
gonna stay put,

and make her come to you.

Trust me. I know things.

What?

Whoa, no one's ever given
me a Teddy bear before.

I know you said you
didn't want anything

for Valentine's day, but I, uh,

I wanted to get you
something anyway.

Kinda thought you
weren't going to.

What should I name it?

I know. Pasty.

"Press here for message."

No, uh, don't play that...

Uh, right now.

I mean, you can
save it for later.

Woman's voice: Hi,
Will, it's Jade.

Happy Birthday. I wuv
you and I want you.

Can't wait to see you
tonight, honey bear.

You re-gifted this present. You
just stole it from Will's.

Let's see if you wuv
having no head.

Hi, Will, it's Jade.

Happy Birthday...

I'll be right back.

Yeah, so in love. Yeah, see that?
Totally.

- Yeah.
- Okay, do them.

All right. That's a first date,

and she's about to try to fake
a phone call so she can leave.

What? She's totally into him.

No, she's not. She's faking it.

You are so wrong, I
feel sorry for you.

All right.

Oh, my God. You're totally
right, she just...

How do you... how do
you do that, honestly?

It's all in the body
language, my friend.

You're like a drunk
people clairvoyant.

I just spend a lot of
time watching people

hit on other people. It
becomes pretty clear.

That's incredible.
That's incredible.

You should get a reality
show or something.

Must make you kind
of jaded, though.

Oh, totally. But, you know,

sometimes people turn out to
be better than you thought.

Sometimes they do, don't they?

I have a 12-year-old.

And two jobs. All of that while

trying to finish my college
degree, so, trust me.

You're not interested.

I'm just having a
drink at a bar here.

Hey. Thanks for that drink.

- I'm Katie.
- Hi, yea.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I kind of kept waiting
for you to come over.

I'm actually heading
out right now, so...

I'm meeting up
with some friends.

Would you want to
catch up with us?

- Since I owe you a drink.
- Oh, um...

Uh, yeah, that sounds cool.

We're going to be
going to club 41,

and it's a cat party.

Club 41, and it's a cat party.
Got it, yeah.

I actually... I
love cat parties.

All right.

What the hell is a cat party?

Please?

They hold them at that
club once a month.

It's like a regular party,
but you can't get in unless

you're dressed like a cat.

Stop it right now.
You're messing with me.

- Nope, I'm not.
- Don't mess with me.

I'm not, and I know,
because at 1:00 am,

a bunch of college kids
stumble in here like cats,

all whiskers and desperation.

What have I got myself into?
Okay, cat party?

Cat costume? I can do this.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

Hey, uh...

What would you have...

What would you have
said about me?

What do you mean?

You know, the game we were
playing, analyzing people,

you know, why
they're at the bar.

What would you have
said about me?

Oh, well, just that you've
had your heart broken.

- What? Why?
- Well, 'cause,

otherwise you wouldn't be
hitting on 22-year-olds

when everyone around
you is grown up.

But, hey, I'm just guessing.
What do I know, right?

Okay, I am going to go
procure a cat costume.

It was very nice to meet you...

- Liz.
- Nice to meet you, Liz.

Marcus, talk to me.

She hated the Teddy
bear I gave her.

Well, look, maybe what
you're looking for

isn't in Will's present closet.

Of course it is.

Will's present closet has
literally everything.

Do you think shea
would like a fish?

Of course she wouldn't like a fish...
fish aren't romantic!

I'm gonna have to go
to the top drawer.

No, Marc... all right.
Here, Marcus, stand up.

- What?
- Listen.

I may not be Will, but I
do have some experience

with this sort of thing.

You don't want to give
Shea just any old gift,

'cause she's not
just any old girl.

She's unique and special, and
so the gift that you give her,

well, that also has to
be unique and special.

You gotta put some
thought into this.

I don't have time to go to a
store and get her something

- unique and special!
- Listen to me.

Deep cleansing
breath, right now.

Go downstairs, tell her
you need 10 minutes.

You got this. Go, go, go, go.

Okay.

All right, third drawer.

Unsee, unsee, unsee.

- You made it!
- Yeah, I did.

- Awesome.
- This is, uh, crazy.

Yeah. This is Michelle.

- Hey, Michelle.
- Sarah.

- Hey, Sarah.
- And Jess.

- Hey, Jess.
- Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, I'll buy the drinks.

No, I owe you a drink.

Besides, my dad pays
my credit card bills,

so it totally doesn't
even matter.

It doesn't... doesn't...
Doesn't matter.

Oh! Watch it.

- Sorry, bro.
- It's okay, man.

Dude, can you just dance maybe
a little bit over there?

You want to dance?

Yeah, yeah, I love to dance.

Could we just get
away from garfield?

He's a little bit of a douche.

- What?
- Garfield's a douche!

Who's garfield?

Ah, never mind.

Isn't this awesome?

- Yeah.
- What'd you say, what?

Yeah, it's awesome!

Hey!

Shea?

What?

I realize the Teddy bear
was a terrible gift,

so I've prepared
something else for you,

in honor of the
first time we met.

If you recall, you blasted
Anarchy in the U.K.

over the P.A. system, and
while I quivered in fear,

I also thought you were the
coolest person I'd ever met.

So please enjoy this
chocolate banana milkshake,

your favorite,

and the performance
you're about to see.

Mr. Chris? I now give
you Marcus Bowa,

presenting his version
of Anarchy in the U.K.

That was so stupid.

Stupid in a good way?

I guess.

- Oh, hi, mom.
- Nice one, little punk.

Thanks. Mr. Chris helped.

Is it okay if we go to my room?

I want to show Shea
the music video.

We copied it directly. I
think we did pretty good.

Yeah. Door's open, though.

Of course. My room
gets stuffy otherwise.

- Thanks, Mr. Chris.
- Any time.

How was it?

It was amazing.

I mean, the doctor asked
me to leave the room

quite a few times. He
didn't like the flute

or the ukulele, really.

Thanks for looking
after Marcus, and...

Sorry we didn't get to spend
Valentine's day together.

Well, there's still
two hours left.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Flute and uke jam sesh?

You are a wondrous
and romantic man.

Happy Valentine's day.

Uh... Is Liz still here?

- Hello.
- Hey.

What happened with
the cat party?

Uh, well... I'm more
of a dog party guy.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, uh... I just
wanted to tell you that

don't let it go over
your head, but...

- You were right.
- Hmmm.

I did have my heart broken.

So, uh...

Guess I'm the guy
here at 1:00 A.M.,

all whiskers and desperation.

You still have some whiskers.