About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - About a Prostitute - full transcript

Okay, here we go. Keep going.

What do we got next?

Vice president of sales...
$200,000 a year.

I can swing that one. Circle it.

You don't know
anything about sales.

It requires 20 years experience.

You are forgetting how
charming I would be

in the job interview. Circle it.

Stop saying "circle it," 'cause
there's nothing to circle.

Circle it. Just circle
it and move on.

All right, listen, you
don't have experience



to do any of the stuff
that you highlighted.

Senior copywriter.
Fashion consultant.

Commercial airline pilot?
Seriously?

All right, it was a
little bit of a stretch.

But to be fair, those planes
are on autopilot a lot.

- Honestly.
- I gotta go.

- What? Don't go.
- You know what?

I just don't know what
happened to the song.

The producer said
he liked the hook.

Why did we even hound that
guy in the first place?

- Listen, it's great...
- Oh, I got to go.

But even if he likes it,

it doesn't mean I'm gonna
be making any money soon.

I need cash now,
even if it means



working one of these boring
regular-person jobs.

As a point of reference,

how much does Laurie pay
you to watch the kids?

Nothing, because
they are my kids.

Seems like a raw deal.

All right.

I, uh...

Oh, what sort of hippie voodoo

is going on in
Granola Town today?

Isn't that lovely?

Marcus is learning the maracas.

Okay, you know, I got
so many questions,

but I guess I'll just
go with the usual.

Why?

Quick, quick, slow.

Show me your hip action.

You like my hip action, Will?

Oh, I can't answer that, Marcus,

in front of people who
could later testify.

Okay, Marcus,

tomorrow we'll go over the
2:3 polyrhythm technique.

Isn't it wonderful?

He's doing a musical number
at his school fund-raiser.

So wonderful.

We all got to submit
our favorite songs.

And mine is
definitely gonna win,

because mine is the only one

without the A word, the
B word, or the F word.

Thanks, Maureen.
Same time tomorrow.

Wait, you're paying her
to teach him the maracas?

For your information,
sir, the maracas

are a deceiving
instrument to play.

Okay, no disrespect,
but babies play them.

Yeah, no, you're
thinking of a rattle.

And you're thinking that
there's a difference.

Wait a minute here.

If people will pay
some freak show

to teach them to
play the maracas,

imagine what they'd pay to learn
how to play a cool instrument,

like the guitar.

Yeah, no offense, of course.

Sorry, Maureen. Mm, all right.

Knock 'em dead, you
handsome devil.

Wow, he is handsome.

Oh, uh, hi. No, I was just...

Admiring a picture of yourself.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

- I'm Will.
- Emma.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

- So are... are you any good?
- Come again?

- The guitar.
- Ah.

Are you any good?

I'm looking for someone
to teach my daughter.

- Daughter?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, cool.

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Great.

Does tonight work? Maybe...

5:30?

That sounds really good.

Let me get you one of these.

Maybe get that laminated.

Right. Will do.

I can't believe you
have a middle schooler.

You look very... very young.

Thank you. I do.

And if I didn't have a
kid at this school,

it'd be kind of weird if
I was just hanging out.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that would be totally...
totally weird.

D en strum E minor.

There you go!

You learn those four chords,
you can tour Europe.

Just ask Matchbox Twenty.

Cool.

- I'm going to Grace's.
- Okay.

- Thanks, Mr. Will.
- You got it.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

"Mr. Will." That's pretty cute.

You're really great with her.

I'm glad the divorce didn't
leave her hating all men.

Divorce? I'm sorry to hear that.

Please, don't be.

I caught Tessa's dad
with our housekeeper.

Ooh.

I got the house, the Bimmer,
and half of everything.

- And he got scabies.
- Yikes.

You know, um...

Would you like to
have a glass of wine?

It's expensive.

That was good.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hello, Joanne...
- Hey.

- Julia, Rachel.
- Hi.

It's Fiona, um, in
case you forgot.

We know your name.

Do you? 'Cause I'm
never quite sure.

And we certainly know this
wonderful man you're with.

Mr. Chris, you are a dream

for agreeing to emcee
our fund-raiser.

Oh, it's my pleasure, honestly.

No, you have no idea
how grateful we are.

- No idea.
- Just so...

Yeah, yeah, no, he knows,
he knows, he knows.

Thank you. Thanks, thanks.

Well, speaking of
the fund-raiser,

we're getting together for a
planning meeting tonight.

We'd love for you
to join us, Fiona.

Me? Are you...

With you? Uh, really?

Actually, I have quite a lot
on my figurative plate.

And I-I-I... No.

Thanks. No.

Maybe some other time.

What just happened to you?

- What?
- What?

I think I handled
that splendidly.

Yeah, I think that as soon
as those moms showed up,

you turned into somebody
totally different...

Guarded and suspicious.

No, no, no, no. They are
gossipy mean girls.

That's what they are.

They are exactly
the kind of women

that tormented me
in middle school.

And they're only
being nice to me

because I am dating
the hot teacher.

Calling me "the hot teacher"

makes me feel like
a piece of meat.

And I really like it.

You have to understand that
there are two types of girls.

There are the girls who judge
and the girls who are judged.

Any mistake, any flaw

gets put under the
mean-girl microscope.

I can't imagine you
having any flaw.

Yeah, well, I was
5'10" when I was 13.

Statuesque.

And I had very thick glasses...

Intelligent.

And a bulky back brace.

This is getting harder.

Listen, you're not in
middle school anymore.

Go to that meeting tonight
and show them the Fiona

you are today.

Maybe if you embrace
some of their ideas,

they'll embrace yours,

giving birth to a
wonderful new friendship.

Come here. Mm.

Hmm.

Yeah, you still do have a
little curve there, don't you?

- Yeah, it's my bump.
- I love your bump.

You know, if this guitar-lesson
thing doesn't work out,

I know something else
you're pretty good at.

You think? Yeah, well,
you're not so bad yourself.

For Tessa's lesson.

You think you can do
it again tomorrow?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

Tomorrow works, but
this is a lot of...

- Great.
- All right.

- I'll see you then.
- Okay.

Ooh!

She gave you this much
money for giving her kid

a guitar lesson.

Does she not understand
how the system

of American currency works?

I guess she... I don't know...
Thinks I'm worth it.

After all, I am a celebrity
recording artist.

It doesn't make any sense.

What's going on with your hair?

Huh?

You have sex hair.

And you're drinking a postcoital
restorative beverage.

You had sex with that woman.

- This is payment for sex.
- What?

You are a male prostitute.

Whoa!

What's wrong with you?
Give me that.

- Look, okay, yes.
- Uh-huh.

I did have sex with her,

but that is not what
I was paid for.

- Mm-mm.
- It's unbelievable.

You get to have sex with
any woman that you want,

and now you're gonna
get paid for it.

Again, I was not paid for sex.

By the way, that's low for a ho.

I was not paid for sex, okay?

- Can we just drop it?
- Prove it.

Go back and give the
kid a guitar lesson.

Do not have sex with the mother.

If she pays you the same
amount, then I apologize.

I stand corrected.

Okay.

I won't have sex with her.

Good.

I hope you appreciate the
things I do for you.

Fiona, that necklace
is so striking.

I don't think I've ever
seen one quite like it.

It's actually not a necklace.

It's an Indonesian
menstrual chart.

And each bead represents
a cycle in...

Don't worry. It's boring, sorry.

Are you kidding? You're the
most interesting person here.

- No offense, everybody.
- None taken.

The closest I've
been to Indonesia

is ordering a chai
latte at Starbucks.

That's actually from India, but
I totally get what you mean.

We're so glad you came.

Next time we need to hear more
about your time in England.

And your other menses jewelry.

Next time? Okay.

Okay, so getting down to a
little fund-raiser business,

we do need to pick the
seventh-grade class song.

And, listen, nobody loves

their Bey, Jay, and
Kanye more than me,

but I think those are for
private minivan jams.

Of course, we can't
let them sing

any of the offensive songs
our kids suggested.

- No.
- There was one

non-offensive song that I
think a student suggested.

It was Cuban Pete.

I think everyone was under the
impression that that was a joke.

I mean, wasn't it?

I don't know.

Because I think doing
something so peculiar,

it might lead to bullying.

- So true.
- Social suicide.

Yeah, land mine.

You know what? I'd never
thought about it like that,

but, I mean, that is quite
a good point, isn't it?

What if we pick something
a little bit more fun

and contemporary?

Ooh! What about that Sara
Bareilles song, Brave?

♪ Say what you want to say ♪

♪ And let the words fall out ♪

♪ Honestly, I want to
see you be brave ♪

I love that song. So catchy!

Well done, you!

- Hey.
- Oh, no!

Oh, Tessa's lesson!

Um, I was... I totally forgot.

I... She's at her dad's
place for the night.

Why don't... I'll just
come back tomorrow.

Oh, perfect. Thank you.

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.

Yeah, no. No worries.

You know, since you're
here and Tessa's not,

maybe you'd like to come
in for a glass of wine.

And by wine, do you mean...

Forget the wine.

Mm. Okay.

Wait. Hold on a second.

Just to be clear,

there's definitely not
gonna be a guitar lesson?

Will, your guitar is
not the instrument

I'm interested in.

- I see.
- Mm-hmm.

- Let's go upstairs, huh?
- Oh, I like your style.

Which one of these hats do
you like for Cuban Pete?

You know, my gut says
the porkpie hat,

because the fedora has
been tragically co-opted

by the unshaven hipster crowd.

Darling, can I have a word?

Will you sit down?

So, um...

your class won't be performing
Cuban Pete tomorrow night.

What? Why?

You know I appreciate

how you both literally
and figuratively dance

to the beat of your own drum.

But there are some
people who might think

that a group of
12-year-olds dancing

to a 60-year-old rumba
song is a bit odd.

Odd?

It's the rumba, not
the friggin' foxtrot.

I know, but sometimes we
have to embrace the ideas

of other people in
order to fit in.

But what about our family motto?

"We don't fit in..."

"We fit out."

I know, but sometimes you
have to try to fit in a bit.

You know?

Fine.

I'll do any song they want.

And I'll march off the cliff
with all the other lemmings.

And just to be clear,
the lemming/cliff thing

is just hyperbole and not any
indication that I may self-harm.

Okay, good.

Thank you again.

Thank you.

And I'm really sorry
about the mix-up.

Oh, I'm sorry about the lamp.

Things got a little
wild there at the end.

I always hated that lamp.

Oh, I almost forgot.

All right.

What is that? I...

I definitely did not give
Tessa a guitar lesson.

Right, but I should
have cancelled.

It's kind of standard procedure
that a teacher get paid

when a client doesn't cancel
within 24 hours, so...

Oh, well, I feel weird
about taking this.

Oh, please. I have to
pay you for your time.

Uh, okay.

Let me get this straight.

You did not give the
daughter a guitar lesson.

But you did have
sex with the mom.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you got paid for it.

- Mm-hmm.
- How is this unclear?

You're a prostitute.

A two-bit hussy. A Pretty
Woman, if you will.

What are you doing?

Proving you wrong.

I am gonna ask Emma
out on a date.

Prostitutes don't ask women out.

And they don't pay
for dates, right?

So, if she says yes, I'm right.

Big mistake.

- Big. Huge.
- Shh.

Pretty Woman reference.

Watch this.

Hello?

Hi, Emma. It's Will Freeman.

Listen, I was wondering if you
wanted to go out tomorrow night.

Dinner, maybe a movie?

Oh, I'd like that.

Great.

Oh, actually, you know what?
I can't.

I have this school fund-raiser
thing tomorrow night.

Unless you'd like to join me?

That sounds like a fun date.

Awesome. And it's kind
of a formal event,

so do you have a tux?

You can be my escort.

Your what, now?

Oh, you know, I just
had such a great idea.

There's this bachelor
auction at the event,

and I bet people would
pay big money for you.

Will you do it?

Will I dress up in a
tuxedo, go up onstage,

and be bid on by
women on our date?

Uh, sure.

Great.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Want me to go with you
and make sure she pays?

That's what a pimp would say.

That's a pretty good pimp.

Thanks.

This is a fun date. I've
been on a lot of dates.

This is the best date
in a long, long time.

- Let's get a drink,
- Yeah, I'd love that.

All right, here we go.
Got my wallet.

Oh, no, no, why don't
you let me pay...

You're not paying for anything.

You've already paid
for the limousine,

which was surprising.

And then you paid for
these cufflinks,

which was a little bit weird.

But I can't let you
pay for everything.

No, I'm not paying
for everything.

Mr. O'Connor is.

Can I get two red wines, please.

I don't even like red wine.

Oh, excuse me for
just a second, okay?

- Yeah, all right.
- I'll be right back.

All right, great.

Was that your John?

You stop it right now.

Honestly, she's paying
for everything.

She's ordering for me. I
got to drink red wine now.

The whole thing
is messing me up.

Honestly, I think maybe
I am a prostitute.

Because you are.

That's what I've been
saying this entire time.

You stop it right now!

Let's just think through
this thing, okay?

Maybe it's not such a
bad idea, all right?

I'm looking for a job.

Sex is something I have
20 years experience with.

- 20? Really?
- Yeah.

You know, I think I'd
probably have to get

a few more deep v-necks going.

- Bronzer.
- Frost my tips.

Those hats in the
summer, those ski caps.

Just get the body spray going
all day, all over the place.

Definitely work on your pecs.
That's what you need help with.

What?

I don't know, man.

Getting paid for sex,

it's like, what else
am I capable of?

I won't even... I don't
even know who I am anymore.

- Mr. O'Connor?
- That's me, thank you.

Um, why is everybody
looking at us?

Is my skirt tucked
into my knickers?

No, you're good.

Fiona, I'm loving the
hair and that dress.

Thank you.

Of course, you can wear a
column with your legs.

I could never pull it off
with these tree stumps.

Oh, no, don't say
that about yourself.

We all want what we
don't have, right?

I always say, "Compare
and despair."

And by what we don't have, I mean Mr.
Chris.

We all want him, and you
got him, you bitch.

Yeah, no, I saw him
first, you bitch.

God, I don't mean that in the
offensive way, obviously.

I just mean, like, bitch!

It's actually quite fun to say.

Bitch! I can't stop.

Oh, my God.

Hold on. I'll be right back.

Oh, no, no, no. No, you-

- Hello.
- Hi, hi, hi. Hi.

Oy, what are you doing here?

Funny story, he's trying to
prove he's not a pros...

I am on a date,

just a date with a
lady friend, Emma.

There's nothing odd

or potentially illegal
going on here.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, I need
to auction Will off now.

This way.

Don't worry. I got your back.

Bottoms up, Andy.

Wait. I thought he
wasn't drinking

in solidarity with you.
You know...

My hormones are
raging right now.

Oh.

Andy gets handsy when he drinks,

and honestly, Fiona,
mama needs handsy.

- Yes.
- Real bad.

And a hearty muchos gracias
to Chef Rodriguez.

Thank you, chef.

Okay, next up, we have a package

of five guitar lessons
given by Will Freeman.

Let's start the bidding at $50.

$100.

$100.

Where did Emma find
that little boy toy?

He teaches her daughter guitar.

"Guitar."

Oh, God, are you serious?

That is just sad.

I don't think we should assume.

Do I hear 200? $200?

$200.

$200 from the lady in red.

Could she be any more desperate?

Painful.

Someone text me when it's over.

Well, you know, all the money's
going to the kids, isn't it?

It's good.

I've got $300. I'm
looking for $400.

$400 for this tall
drink of water.

I've got $400.

Do I hear 500? $500?

$2,000.

Sold.

Oh.

I'm a celebrity
recording artist.

Oh, my God. I'm a male hooker.

All right, let's hear it

for the seventh-grade
class, singing Brave.

Unbelievable. $2,000?

- That's a lot of money.
- And for what?

You know what? I-I got
to say something to her.

This has got to stop. It's
gone on too far, right?

I mean, I got some integrity.

- Yeah.
- Can I get a beer?

You can put that on Mr.
O'Connor.

Poor thing.

I mean, first her
husband leaves her.

Then she's reduced to buying
herself a prostitute?

I heard she spent a
fortune renovating

her downstairs bedroom,
if you know what I mean.

She should do her upstairs.

- I mean the boobs.
- Oh.

It's a little middle school
of you all, isn't it,

I mean, to be gossiping
about Emma like that?

Well, duh, we're
in middle school.

Do you have any idea what it
actually feels like to be her?

What it feels like
to be a leper?

To be too tall or too strange

or, God forbid, too
slutty to belong?

I do.

Not the slutty part, but
more the other two.

But, anyway, you've done
me an enormous favor,

because I always wanted
to know what it felt like

to be on the inside
of the popular group.

And now that I know, I have
absolutely no interest in it.

Oh, and another thing...

The man that she bought,
he's not a prostitute.

He's my neighbor, Will.

And he would never, ever
sell himself for sex.

Emma...

I'm not having sex with
you for money anymore.

Oh, he said it.

Excuse me?

I am not a prostitute.

I was not paying you for sex.

I mean, I might have
been overpaying you

for guitar lessons, but
that's just because

I look for opportunities to
spend my ex-husband's money.

Well, then how do you
explain the sex?

I liked you.

Jerk!

This was a night to remember.

Darling, I was wrong...

about asking you to
follow the lemmings.

It is important to be
part of a community.

But a community is made
up of individuals...

Unique, funny,
lovely, brilliant,

rumba-loving individuals.

And if you're still up for it,

I, for one, would love to
see you perform Cuban Pete.

Yes!

Just out of curiosity, how
much for your guitar lesson?

One lesson then we'll talk.

I'm gonna pass.

But also thank you.

There you go.