About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - About a Hook - full transcript

Mr. Idalis, hey, Will Freeman,

my friend Andy and I crushed the
Hora at your son's wonderful

- bar mitzvah last week.
- Yeah.

You pretended to be a gay couple
and then basically destroyed

the most sacred moment
of my son's life.

Lovely event, sir. I
gotta say, the highlight

for me had to be
the chopped liver.

- That stuff was delicious.
- What... what the hell

- are you doing on my street?
- Okay, so I wrote this song

and I think it's super special.

And believe me, I'm not one to
blow smoke up my own skirt.



You're following me while
I jog with my dog.

That is... That is so uncool.

Go, go, go! Dig in!

Listen, why don't you
just listen to the song,

and if you hate it, we'll
get out of here, okay?

You know...

what you're doing
is so disturbing

and arguably psychotic, but
the song isn't terrible.

You don't have a hook,
you need a hook.

So get a hook and then
maybe we'll have something

- to talk about.
- Oh, good!

I'll get you the sweetest
hook you've ever seen!

What... what are you doing?

- Sir!
- What?



I'd consider it a solid
if you would hook me up

with your chopped liver guy. Is
it a deli, or a caterer or...

- What are you doing?
- It was delicious!

Here we go.

Hello, darling, how was
your day of learning then?

Well, on a scale of
great to sucked,

it sucked mightily.

Oh, no. Here, do you
want a biscuit?

Man, Mr. Chris is the
most annoying teacher

- on the planet.
- What?

I wish he'd just teach
instead of boring us

with his inane tales of travel.

Yeah, we get it, buddy,
you got a passport.

Darling, are you upset 'cause Mr.
Chris

and I are dating?

A-bup-bup-bup! Not listening.

Not listening.

Are we set up for our
Paint Our Feelings Night?

Why are there three easels?

With a large brush...

let us pool that...

and then it'll mix
with a liquid white...

Well, look at that.

- It's amazing, isn't it?
- Yeah, that is amazing.

You know, I studied painting
with true masters at Arte Umbria

just outside of Firenze,
and I gotta say

this guy's pretty good.

- For a lot less lira.
- Fiona:

Can I paint my friggin'
mountaintop in peace, please?

Marcus! Well...

now's the part where we
typically share our work,

obviously with a safety
net of no criticism,

just appreciation for each
other's inner vision.

- So I'll share first.
- All right.

Let's see here. Oh,
Fiona, this is beautiful.

I'd climb every
mountain with you.

Maybe ford every stream
if you're lucky.

- I like the sound of that.
- Ooh.

Seriously?

Well, here's my little effort.

Chris, that's brilliant!

The lake's a little showy.

Anyways, here's mine.

Oh.

So that's two people at
the top of the mountain,

- are they?
- And what's that red bush

at the base?

One of the climbers got a
little full of himself

and then he slipped and
fell off the mountain,

and then he caught on fire.

So those are flames.

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪ No, no, dude!

Honestly, I just need
you to just calm down.

I got the hook.

- Listen.
- Here we go.

See, it's all about
the rhyme, right?

Yup.

♪ I just want to love you baby ♪

♪ Won't you let me
rub you maybe ♪

I'm surprised John
Lennon didn't come up

- with that little gem there.
- Right?

Okay, please, please, give
me some peace, please.

♪ Rub you ♪

♪ Rub you maybe ♪

- ♪ Baby ♪ Dude!

Well, that was very rude.

In your painting you set Mr.
Chris on fire, darling.

I mean maybe I should have
you paint your feelings

to yourself next time.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I
just fall through

your safety net of no criticism?

Uh, Marcus, you know I'm
very fond of Mr. Chris.

And all I want is for you
to make a bit of an effort

to connect with him
outside of school.

About that... I've
concluded that Mr. Chris

isn't right for you and
things should go back

to the way they were.

Mom, you and me, we have
this perfect love bubble.

Messing with it could pop it.

Right.

I have certain adult needs
which are evocative

and quite lovely,

and I am not prepared
to give them up.

What about my needs?
Don't my needs matter?

Of course they matter, but
in this particular case...

They matter less than yours.

Marcus, I'm not going
to argue about this,

and I'm not going to stop seeing Mr.
Chris.

Well, that does not work for me.

I'm not going to
tolerate this tone.

Well, I'm not going to tolerate Mr.
Chris.

Well, as long as you
live in this house,

it is my rules.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is...

Oh, not now, my
mid-pubescent friend.

Okay, look, Will, I
have a situation.

Since my mother no longer
respects my wishes,

I can no longer live
under her roof.

I'm sensing a lot of anger.

What... Uh, pillow/duffel combo

is concerning me a little here.

- Move it, Andy.
- He just elbowed me.

I'm moving in, Will.
Sometimes an almost-man

has to do what an
almost-man has to do.

Marcus, this is not th...

So you gonna make up the couch

or are we sleeping together?
And do you have a towel?

Because I'm a bit
of a sleep-sweater.

I tend to sweat the bed.

♪ Sweatin' the bed ♪

♪ Sweatin' the bed ♪

Hey, Fiona, you need
to come get Marcus

back immediately. Fiona, hey!

Out. Snap out. Done.

- Come on.
- Look, I'm torn.

That's why I'm out
here meditating...

I'm trying to seek guidance
from my spirit animal.

It isn't that raccoon
that's been digging around

my trash, is it?

Part of me wants to just
gather up my little baby

and bring him back to his
womb home immediately.

But there's another part of
me that is wondering whether

the awakening man inside
the boy doesn't need to

just stretch and test
his boundaries a bit.

Okay, that's all well and good,

but you need to get
your awakening man-boy

out of my womb home.

Hom... Home.

Get your kid out of my house.

- Oh, we've decided.
- We've decided what?

Wait.

Yes.

Yes. Oh, namaste,
spirit, namaste.

Raven says Marcus should
make his own way home.

You know, my womb home
is being affected here.

I believe my voodoo animal
should have a vote, huh?

It's only gonna
be for one night.

- He will miss me.
- One night.

Just got boned by a raven.

Alright, Marcus,
what's going on here?

What's going on here is Mr.
Chris.

He's already destroyed
my school life and now

he's threatening to
ruin my home life.

Ugh! If I were a
violent man I'd...

I'd take a swing at this pillow.

I appreciate you not raging
against my Euro sham,

but there's some ground
rules while you're here

for this very brief stay.

I need you to basically not talk
so I can write a silky hook

that is eluding the
crap out of me.

Here we go.

You won't even know
I'm here, roomie.

Please call me Will when
you're not talking.

I'm going to go upstairs
because if I don't get a good

soak in at night, I am basically
useless in the morning.

Okay, I got some lyrics,
I got some music.

Let's bring it home.

Uh, hey, roomie, sorry
to interrupt your hook,

but I don't know where
the bathtub is.

I don't have a bathtub.

- You can take a shower.
- Oh, shower.

Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I can rock

a shower.

Okay, come on, come on now.

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ My sweet hook ♪

♪ Could I find you ♪

♪ In a book ♪

♪ Could I find you ♪

♪ In a truck ♪

Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

What?

Ugh!

Marcus!

Marcus, what the
hell are you doing?

Showering, roomie. Ooh,
do you have a loofah?

- Wh the hell is a loofah?
- Ha ha! Look at that!

Marcus.

Marcus

Ooh!

Aah!

Fiona, okay, look, it's
been more than one night

and Marcus is still up there
just gurgling and creaming up,

and mouth-breathing
all over the place.

It's just killing me, and I
can't focus on the song,

and I need you to do
something about it, please.

Will, it's killing me.

It is not easy for me.
All I want is for him

to open his heart to Chris so
that the two wonderful, sweet

men in my life can
just enjoy each other.

It's not like I'm
unsympathetic to your plight,

okay? I mean... well,
actually I am.

He saw him first. At
school, even before I did.

So why can't he see it at home?
I mean, it's the same Chris.

Okay, you know what? I'm
gonna lay it down for you.

I ink you made a tactical
error bringing Chris home

to bond with Marcus.

What do you mean?

You brought Chris
into Marcus' space

and that can be hard
to handle, you know,

males are kind of funky
about that kinda thing.

You know, when I was a kid,
we had a golden retriever

named Woof Woof.

- That is a lovely breed.
- Thank you.

- And a stupid name.
- I am going to pretend

that you didn't just say that.

A few years later, we got
a Bernese Mountain Dog.

- Bark Bark?
- Really, really funny.

Keep it up. My mom
said that before

- we brought Cassius home...
- That's a good name,

isn't it? That's a good name.

Okay, just...

Cassius and Woof Woof had to
meet in a neutral location.

So they could get used
to each other, you know?

Sniff each other's butts.

Woof Woof is the
stupidest name ever.

Hm.

My instincts are way out
of whack here, Will.

At first I thought you were
tiring of my presence,

but now we're two roomies
going out on the town.

Yeah, I mean there's nothing
I'd rather being doing

right now than slamming
some vegan hibachi.

Man, I cannot tell you how
great it feels to not

have something or
someone forced on me.

I love living under
your roof, Will.

My roof is overrated.

And some rooves are underrated.
Roofs? Roo... rooves?

We only do shared
tables, so here we go.

Sit down here... Oh, my God!

Look at... what are the...

Surprise, surprise! What
are the odds, right there?

- Hello!
- Hey, guys.

Et tu, Brute?

I don't know what that means.

I can help you out there, Will.

- That's William Shakespeare...
- It's always a lesson

- with this guy.
- Oh, golly.

- Shall we eat?
- A moment alone with you,

- roomie?
- Oh, sidebar.

That sounds fun.

"Et tu, Brute."

I cannot believe you conspired
with them against me.

I know, I know, it was
a little bit weak,

but you gotta understand
my situation.

I got a golden opportunity
to make a ton of money

with this music producer...

I don't want to be here with Mr.
Chris or my mother.

So if you're leaving,
I'm leaving.

Marcus, I need to
concentrate at home.

I gotta come up with
this sweet hook,

and I just need some peace
and quiet to really get it.

And I can't do it if you're
flopping around the shower.

If you're leaving, I'm leaving.

Look, we can get some
quinoa mushroom balls

and pear sauce to go. They're
famous for them here,

and it would be a
sin to miss out.

Well, I know we came
together a bit inelegantly,

but I really feel that
if we open our hearts,

we could have a meaningful
and maybe a wonderful time.

Honestly, this menu reads
like a Stephen King novel.

It's more unsettling the
deeper you get into it.

Um, Marcus, Chris said
that you said something

- rather brilliant in class today.
- That's right.

Um, we were going over
Latin root words,

and I brought up "gress,"
meaning to step or to go.

Such as progress, to
step forward or digress,

to step backward.

This is a long story, isn't it?

And then I brought up congress,

which means to step together.

And Marcus said, "but the U.S.
Congress is more likely to

"step outside and beat the
crap out of each other

because they can't come
together on squat."

- Oh, that is so brilliant!
- So relevant.

Oh, yeah, no, I gave him
a standing ovation,

which is from the Latin "ovatio",
which means "I exult."

What's Latin for boring?

Are we opening our hearts,
or are we shutting them

like a bloody vault, darling?

Hey, guys, I don't see a
lick of meat on here.

I'm gonna go next door,
get a half-pound patty

from the burger joint,
throw it on the hibachi.

- Anyone else want in?
- You know, Will,

there's a veritable cornucopia
of delectable items on this menu

that aren't meat that are far
more amicable to your heart

and digestive tract.
For example, the...

The vegan pho is quite
nice, and the Luc Lac

is a Vietnamese lentil
steak, where they...

What do you think's grosser?

Eating lentil Luc Lacs, or
pooping lentil Luc Lacs.

Marcus:

Um, a word with you,
please, neighbor.

- What, what?
- Over here.

I was just over there.

Are you aware how disrespectful

you're being to Chris, or
are you merely clueless

as well as being a giant moron?

Excuse me, I did my job.

I got everyone all together,
now I just want to go home

so I can work on my hook
in peace and quiet.

Marcus is not going
to come home with me

unless you stop mocking Mr.
Chris.

Luc Lac, Luc Lac?

You gotta be kidding me.

Will, Marcus idolizes you.

If you're nice to Mr.
Chris, he will be too.

I can't believe I'm
embroiled in this plan.

And now you want me
to be nice to that...

what's the Latin
word for "tool?"

- Instrumentum.
- Thank you.

Alright, you know what?
I will try to be nice

to that blowhard instrumentum,

just so Marcus can get out of
my house and I can finally

- work on this hook, okay?
- Thank you.

- There you go.
- Culus.

- What does that mean?
- It's a body part.

Mm, so Chris, it sounds
like you're quite

- the world traveler?
- That is correct, yeah.

I have... I've been to
all six continents.

I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking there are seven.

But most geographers,
myself included, agree

that Europe and Asia,
it's really...

- It's just the same land mass.
- It is.

Yeah, I definitely
wasn't thinking that.

No. So... I been to Barcelona.

- Do we have that in common?
- You are correct,

good sir. Yes, I
love Barthelona.

Tell me that you were not blown
away by the dragon-curved

- rooftop of Gaudi's Casa Batllo.
- No,

but I was blown away
by the curved body

of a cocktail waitress
named "Ithavella".

Hm, I'm not sure "Isabella"

was on the walking tour.

I did happen to catch
an FC Barcelona match

and while the fans were
as wild as advertised,

that's nothing compared
to a Niners game.

Oh, so you're a Niners fan?

Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a freak.

What, like a real freak,
or like bandwagon freak?

Well, one of the greatest
days of my life was

the '94 NFC Championship game
where the Niners beat...

Cowboys.

38-28.

I was at that game
with my father.

Dude, I was at that
game with my father.

- Come on.
- Yeah, I was on

the 40-yard line. I was
there, I was right there

when Eric Davis picked
off Aikman's pass,

took it to the house!

And then Young hits Ricky
Watters who showboats

into the end zone.

You know, he's like...

Oh, and then we steamrolled
'em from there.

Yeah, we took down the
Chargers in the Super Bowl.

But it was beating the Cowboys
that made it so sweet.

The sweetest, man.
It's still sweet!

- Yes!
- Are you kidding me

right now? First you
steal my mom and now

you're trying to steal
my best friend?

- I'm out of here.
- Marcus.

Darling!

Quinoa mushroom balls
are coming with me,

for they have not betrayed me.

Hey, bud, normally I'd
bring a food item

as a peace treaty, but I'm fresh
out of quinoa mushroom balls.

You know what hurts
the most, Will?

Tell me.

It's that the entire 23
hours and 18 minutes

I've been gone, my mom
hasn't missed me.

- Not even a little.
- Marcus, you know that

- isn't true.
- Thanks for coming here,

Will, but your words won't
make me feel better this time.

Okay.

Maybe your mother's will.

Hey, Will, it's Fiona.

Marcus just left my
housabou 20 seconds ago

and I wanted to make
sure he arrived safely.

Hey, Will, it's Fiona.

It's been almost 4
minutes, and I haven't

heard from Marcus.
Is my lovey okay?

It's Fiona. Has he bathed?

Is he warm? Does he need

a good night kiss from me?

Please don't give him

a good night kiss.

That's my job.

I do miss you, darling.

It's Fiona. I'm just thinking
about my sweet little chicken.

I've got my arms out because
I wish I were holding him.

Every time I've ever
held my arms out,

he's always come running.

Mommy's got her
arms out, darling.

Mommy's got her arms out.

You missed me.

Every single second.

You know, I've been thinking
a lot about our love bubble.

What about it?

Well, we let Will into it
and it didn't pop, did it?

It didn't pop.

Darling, no matter
who is in my life,

I'll always make room for
you in my love bubble.

♪ I've got room ♪

♪ There's always room ♪

♪ In my love bubble for you ♪

Love Bubble?

- I like it.
- Yes!

Yeah! Whoo!

But this? Two guys in a minivan,

that's creepy, you
gotta stop that.

You ever heard of email?

He's right, I told
you it was creepy.

We should've brought one
of your kids, I told you.

My kids!

I forgot the kids at school!

Laurie's gonna kill me!

Hey, Mom, whatcha doing?

I'm making mushroom
and quinoa balls,

but they're not really
boiling, are they?

Suppose I could loaf them.

Nobody loafs it better.

- Loafs, loaves?
- I think it can be either.

Oh, hey, I set up our
Paint Our Feelings Night.

- Go check it out!
- Oh.

Why are there three easels?

♪ In my love bubble for you ♪

So thanks to Marcus, I'm no
longer persona non grata.

Okay, let's keep the
Latin in school, huh?