About a Boy (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - About a Boy Becoming a Man - full transcript
Sorry y'all, but I do
have a very stellar hand.
I will call. That's
one, two, three...
You cannot bet... those are blue
corn chips, they're $5 each.
It's a $20 buy-in.
How broke are you?
- I don't have it.
- If you're really that
hard up you could always sell
that beautiful head of hair
that you have. I
will give you $40
- for that hair right now.
- $40?
- Let me think about that.
- As your accountant,
I highly recommend that
you accept that offer.
Why don't you just
get off your ducket,
come down to the luncheonette
and record another
corny seasonal song, like,
maybe something for, ooh,
daylight savings time.
Spring forward, fall back,
- it writes itself.
- Actually I have good songs,
I've written them, but I just
don't have any contacts left
in the music industry.
- Oh.
- Music industry's dead.
In the digital age it's all
about getting in the studio
with an innovative producer.
Did you listen to a
podcast on the way here?
That's what my
friend Tammy, from
toddler time sing-a-lon says.
Oh!
Wait, you know
toddler time Tammy?
Do you also know the muffin man?
- Oh, God.
- Tammy idalis
happens to be married to a
very influential guy, so.
Is it Peter Cottontail?
Or John Jacob
jingleheimer schmidt?
His name is my name too.
Wait, wait, wait,
did you say idalis?
As in Johnny idalis, the
genius, biggest music producer
- in the world idalis?
- Yeah.
You're bros with johhny idalis?
I mean, I know him.
I'm actually going to dinner
with him this weekend.
- Stop it.
- I mean, I never met him,
I'm invited to his
son's bar mitzvah.
I... I have to be your plus one.
No. It's not a night club,
it's a religious ceremony.
Plus, Laurie is my plus one.
God wants me to
go to that party.
This is perfect, there's
no other explanation.
I can show Johnny
idalis my song.
God wants me to ditch
my pregnant wife
so you can hobnob
with a music mogul?
Exactly. Okay, I
am feeling flush,
we're going to a bar mitzvah,
I am raising the stakes,
we're going two pretzels.
You know, we're at
Marcus minus 30.
So you know the drill.
Gotta get your clothes on,
get out the back door,
and don't leave a trace.
Yeah.
You know...
All this sneaking in and
out of the house, it...
Fiona, it's... time for
you to tell Marcus
about our relationship.
Oh, I know, but he's just
such a uniquely sensitive
child, and I'm not really
sure he's over the death of
Maya angelou, and I mean,
to tell him I'm shagging
- his teacher, I mean...
- You're going to have
to tell him eventually.
I mean, unless
you're not planning on
there being an eventually.
No, of course I am. And
I will, I promise.
I will tell him, I will.
Great, great.
Because you know, you don't want
him finding out on his own.
After all, you two are
unusually connected.
Oh, I don't know that we're
unusually connect...
He's early, I sense it. Run!
Back?
- He's coming, get in.
- Where, in there?
- Get in.
- Hey, mom.
- Get your legs in.
- Knitting class
was cut short today because Gail
wasn't really feeling too well.
Oh, you're home. Lovely.
Let's go that way, shall we?
There we are.
You can't bet for
you every hand.
These represent money,
and it's on the line.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa...
- Fiona hasn't told him yet?
- Nope.
- Deal me in?
- You know, Andy, it looks like
his pair might beat your pair.
Here we go.
Hey, pasty, you free
tomorrow night?
Absolutely. I try to
keep my Saturdays
ftee so I can get a jump on
the Sunday crossword as soon
as it becomes available online.
- Dude, you're a wild man.
- Well you should see me
do the puzzles in
pen, it's crazy.
Oh, wait.
My mom's got plans
tomorrow night so I'm home
- with a babysitter.
- Babysitters are for babies.
Just tell your mom you're
staying home alone,
- and then invite me over.
- Wait, you mean lie?
- To my mother?
- Well, if she's gonna treat you
like a baby then what
choice do you have?
You're 12 years old.
Text me when you
grow a pair, okay?
Wait, shea.
What kind of pear are
we talking about?
Like, are we going
bartlett, or bosc?
My mom and I have been talking
about growing some fruit trees.
Which brings us to our
one and only conclusion
I'm ready to stay home alone.
Oh, but darling, I
mean the last time...
Yeah, I know, I know, I
stabbed myself trying
to cut an orange. I'm
way ahead of you.
- Oh.
- This graph indicates that
as my voice has lowered, so has
my capacity for self-injury.
- I know, but...
- Mom, you've been going out
a lot lately. Night
shopping, night hiking,
- night biking.
- Yeah, those are all the things
I've told you I've been doing.
Just give me one chance.
Tomorrow night.
I promise I'll text
you every 90 minutes.
- 10.
- 45.
30. That's my final offer.
Yes. Best mom ever.
Oh, darling.
So what night thing are you
doing tomorrow anyway?
Um, well, I...
Do you know, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this?
I've got a new
commitment in my life.
It might upset you a bit,
but we can talk about it
and we can feel about it.
If it does.
The thing is, I've been...
I've been seeing mister...
Mister... mist... mist...
mist... Mysteries.
Mystery films. I've been
seeing mystery films
at the independent cinema.
'Cause I love mystery films,
all those twists and turns.
Ooh, actually my leg's
going to sleep, darling,
you're bloody heavy. Go
on, go get your homework
and we'll do it down here.
Thank you.
Classic mysteries at the
independent cinema.
Coward.
Just have a good time.
Good to see you.
I don't know, will. I
mean, hustling a guy
on the day of his
son's bar mitzvah.
What if we anger him? So what?
- What's he gonna do?
- What's he gonna do?
He knows jailed rappers.
You call me on this, the day
of my son's bar mitzvah
to do business?
What shame on you, kanye.
No, I'll listen to it,
go ahead and play it.
- Hey.
- Andy.
Oh, I'm so glad you
could make it.
Joshie, this is Andy, my
friend from toddler time.
Hey. Mazel tov.
- Nice to meet you.
- All right.
And who's this?
This guy is... he is...
um... my...
How do you describe him? He's
very close... personal...
Andy, it's okay, I get it.
What do you... what do you get?
We've always assumed
but now it's clear.
Not to me.
There's no "Laurie" is there?
- Laurie is...
- You have...
Nailed it, Tammy,
you little sleuth.
I can't believe you're still
doing the Laurie story.
Honestly he's crazy.
Hi, I'm will.
I'm Andy's... partner.
Life partner, husband, lover.
But whatever, we hate labels.
Labels are for jars, not people,
am I right?
We're together.
And that's what's
important to us, right?
Wait, you two are... a couple?
Couple of... couple of guys.
Yup.
Is that all right?
- No, it's not all right.
- See?
It's fabulous.
I thought this was going to
be a bunch of soccer moms
and tech stiffs.
But now maybe it'll
have a little
Flair, you know?
- Johnny idalis.
- Hi, will Freeman,
and have I got flair. I
have got flair to spare,
my friend. Shipwrecked
on an island?
Have no fear, I'm
your man, because,
Flair.
We'll see you on the
dance floor, I hope?
- All right.
- I love your shoes.
Bye.
Wow, you look incredible.
Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
Wow.
Did you do all that for me?
Yeah.
Look, Fiona, I know how hard
it was for you to tell Marcus
about us, so...
I figured the least I could
do was spend the day cooking
a six-course vegan
meal in return.
Uh... yeah... about that.
You did talk to him, didn't you?
Yeah, no, no, no,
yeah, we talked.
- We did.
- Was he terribly upset?
Not terribly.
Well the important
thing is you did it.
- I...
- And I am so incredibly proud
- of you for that.
- Well-
- let's not go mad...
- Why not?
We are out in the open, I think
that is cause for celebration.
Oh, hold that thought.
Chia gnocchi with
nutritional yeast sauce.
Great.
Wow.
You look so radiant
and luminous.
I don't do compliments.
Well, toot toot, all
aboard the fun train.
I've set up several
enjoyment stations.
And our first stop is
Tropical Snack Island.
Oh, oh, oh, and then we
have crossword corner.
- You got a suit?
- Uh, yeah.
Put it on. We're going out.
Tonight I'm going
to introduce you
to one of my favorite
things ever,
party crashing.
It's dangerous, it's
exciting, and it's dinner.
You don't do compliments,
I don't do dangerous.
Well, maybe it's time to start.
You want to be the
winklemans or the nakishers?
- That's Dr. nakisher to you.
- Let's go.
So, Andy, we're dying to know,
how did you score a tall
drink of water like will?
Mr. idalis? Such a
beautiful party.
Listen, my husband and I
are particularly delighted
to be here because, um...
Well here's the thing, I...
Do you guys mind if I took
you guys aside for a minute?
I'd love to get into your ears.
Oh, are you kidding? We
would love to have you
in our ears. We are
all about that.
- What?
- Hey!
We're not going to do any
sex gay stuff with my ears.
All right, I'm married
eleven years.
Will you stop being
such a homophobe, okay?
He's not going to do
anything gay to our ears.
And even if he does, so be it.
Do you see this USB
stick full of songs?
If I could get him on
board, this could change
my life forever. Don't
screw this up for me,
okay?
Okay, here's the deal, you
guys notice anything...
Familiar about this party?
The all-male wait staff
in Navy uniforms,
the only entree is rainbow
trout, the mani-pedi station?
My little joshie chose it all.
He's gay. I mean, he
doesn't think I know.
The thing is, I'm fine with it.
I'm more than fine,
I'm thrilled. But
you know how it is
with fathers and sons,
he can't talk to me.
So I was wondering if you
guys would talk to him.
See if you can get
through to him.
Let him know that it's
okay with me that he's...
One of... you. Tell
me if I'm crossing
- some kind of a gay line here.
- The only line you're crossing
is the one in front
of our hearts.
We would be so thrilled to
speak with your joshie.
Thank you. I really
owe you guys one
for this. Such a mitzvah.
- It's our pleasure.
- Came out of the closet
20 minutes ago, now
I'm a gay role model.
We can't keep this up. I
really can't keep doing this.
You gotta stop. Okay,
listen, I've got him
on the line, and I'm gonna
reel this big fish in,
so shut up and slow
dance with me.
What?
You know what? A
large part of me
wants to punch you in
the face right now.
And a little bit of me just
died in your arms tonight.
Pro move? Eat dessert first.
So much better than hotel food.
- Am I boring you?
- What?
Oh, no, I just didn't see
these texts from my mom
until now.
- "Momma bear to baby bear?"
- Can I have that back, please?
You're not going to
bail on me, are you?
I don't know. I'm
just racking up
the crimes against my mom here.
Sneaking out, eating gluten,
- impersonating a nakisher...
- You know, in the Jewish faith,
you'd almost be a man by now.
- Joshie.
- Yeah?
It's will, and you
remember my husband, Andy?
- Hi.
- And we just wanted to say,
mazel mazel. And we're
really into this whole
Navy theme you've
got going on here.
- Thanks.
- We're also really
into each other. Yeah,
we're just, uh,
a couple of dudes being loud
and proud and queer and here,
and having no fear, and slapping
each other on the rears.
Okay, then. Um, I should go
do some jelly beans for my Nana.
Yo.
What the hell was that?
When I get nervous, I rhyme.
It happens all the time.
You're an embarrasment.
Shvitzing.
Oh, God, he's not at
will's, he's not upstairs.
He's not lying dead
on the kitchen floor,
I mean, where is he?
M sure he's fine,
he's probably out
with a friend somewhere and
just lost track of time.
No, you don't understand,
Marcus doesn't do that.
He's... he doesn't
go to the bathroom
without checking in with me,
much less leave the house.
What if he's trapped in a wall?
Marcus!
Oh, Marcus?
Are you trapped in the wall?
- He's not in the wall.
- Darling, can you whistle?
Can you whistle for mommy?
Oh, my God. Where's my son?
- He's at the Chapman hotel.
- How do you know that?
I activated the "find my
kids" app on your phone.
See that little red dot?
That's your guy.
Oh, my little blinking boy.
What are you doing there?
All: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Whoo.
- They're coming,
they're coming.
- What's that poking me?
- My USB stick.
Oh, God. Ooh!
Thanks, you guys, for
sharing your story tonight.
I don't know if any of it
got through to him, but...
You know, listen, whatever
happens, at least
he has a supportive father,
that's more than I ever had.
Yeah, my dad never thought
I'd amount to anything.
Never thought I'd get
my driver's license,
and now I've got a driver.
What business are you in?
- Oh, I'm in the music business.
- Is that right?
I'm a songwriter. That's
crazy, I actually
- as a matter of fact have...
- Wait, will,
is that you?
What are you doing here?
We're having the
time of our lives,
- we're party crashers.
- Dude, not cool.
Marcus, there you are.
Fiona!
Will, why are you stroking Andy?
Well, now, wait, I won't have
anyone made to feel less than
because they're gay and in love.
Gay? If you're gay,
then who's the retinue
of half-naked trollops
who parade in and out
of your house everyday?
Hairdressers.
Is this true?
- Have you been lying to us?
- Wait, mom,
what are you doing here with Mr.
Chris?
And why are you wearing that "I
don't respect myself" dress?
- You didn't tell him.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Was anyone here actually invited
to our son's bar mitzvah?
I'm sorry.
And Laurie's real.
Most important rule
of party crashing?
Knowing when to peace out.
And that time is now.
But, hey...
I gotta say you
impressed me tonight.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Honestly, neither did I.
Chris, I'm so sorry I lied.
I... you have to understand,
it's just been Marcus and me.
For so long, it's just
been the two of us,
and I didn't know
how to tell him.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna
let you talk to your son.
You know, Fiona, it's not
just the two of you anymore.
Hey, Mr. idalis, wait, please!
I... I've written a hit song,
I'm a big deal, like you.
Okay, not... not like you.
All right?
But I was successful. And I
just, how do I put this?
I've been, like, in the
desert for 40 years and
I just need my Moses to lead
me to the promised land.
You know, first, you
pretend to be gay,
now you belittle my religion.
You disgust me.
Disgust isn't what I was
going for, exactly.
Maybe we can build from that.
Dad, I have to say something.
Tonight, watching those two guys
do whatever... they were doing,
I figured something out.
There's nothing more pathetic
than pretending to be
someone you're not.
So... here it goes.
I'm gay.
I've never been so proud of you.
I love this boy!
No, I love this man.
Looks like love was the
big winner tonight.
No, you're touching my family.
Don't touch my family.
In this thumbdrive
is a hit song.
- Mm.
- I just need you to listen...
- Just get the hell out of here.
- I'll call
- your office tomorrow.
- No, don't bother.
Tammy.
I think we need to remember the
toddler time forgiveness song.
♪ It's okay, it's all right,
everyone makes mistakes ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
- Leave.
- Okay.
Wha... Marcus, wait. Hold on.
I'm not talking to
you, teacher lover.
Wait, we'll get to that,
but we need to talk
about some consequences for
your behavior tonight.
Of all the guys in
the whole world,
why did you have to
pick my teacher?
Do you have any idea how deeply
disgusting this is for me?
- Do you even care?
- Course I care.
I... I don't know why I
fell for your teacher.
I wish it was someone
else, but it's not.
And can't we just move
forward from this point?
Can we just find a way of
finding some acceptance?
No.
I'm not accepting this.
It's too gross.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and brush my teeth,
and do you wanna know why?
Because I had sugar tonight.
Bleached, white, sugar!
I... I didn't have fun tonight
at all, it was terrible.
Yeah, let's never do that again.
So what happens now? I
just call you, or...
Yeah, you know, we
call each other, so.
Yeah, good-bye.
Okay, I'll just... Yeah.
You don't gotta be
weird about it.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
have a very stellar hand.
I will call. That's
one, two, three...
You cannot bet... those are blue
corn chips, they're $5 each.
It's a $20 buy-in.
How broke are you?
- I don't have it.
- If you're really that
hard up you could always sell
that beautiful head of hair
that you have. I
will give you $40
- for that hair right now.
- $40?
- Let me think about that.
- As your accountant,
I highly recommend that
you accept that offer.
Why don't you just
get off your ducket,
come down to the luncheonette
and record another
corny seasonal song, like,
maybe something for, ooh,
daylight savings time.
Spring forward, fall back,
- it writes itself.
- Actually I have good songs,
I've written them, but I just
don't have any contacts left
in the music industry.
- Oh.
- Music industry's dead.
In the digital age it's all
about getting in the studio
with an innovative producer.
Did you listen to a
podcast on the way here?
That's what my
friend Tammy, from
toddler time sing-a-lon says.
Oh!
Wait, you know
toddler time Tammy?
Do you also know the muffin man?
- Oh, God.
- Tammy idalis
happens to be married to a
very influential guy, so.
Is it Peter Cottontail?
Or John Jacob
jingleheimer schmidt?
His name is my name too.
Wait, wait, wait,
did you say idalis?
As in Johnny idalis, the
genius, biggest music producer
- in the world idalis?
- Yeah.
You're bros with johhny idalis?
I mean, I know him.
I'm actually going to dinner
with him this weekend.
- Stop it.
- I mean, I never met him,
I'm invited to his
son's bar mitzvah.
I... I have to be your plus one.
No. It's not a night club,
it's a religious ceremony.
Plus, Laurie is my plus one.
God wants me to
go to that party.
This is perfect, there's
no other explanation.
I can show Johnny
idalis my song.
God wants me to ditch
my pregnant wife
so you can hobnob
with a music mogul?
Exactly. Okay, I
am feeling flush,
we're going to a bar mitzvah,
I am raising the stakes,
we're going two pretzels.
You know, we're at
Marcus minus 30.
So you know the drill.
Gotta get your clothes on,
get out the back door,
and don't leave a trace.
Yeah.
You know...
All this sneaking in and
out of the house, it...
Fiona, it's... time for
you to tell Marcus
about our relationship.
Oh, I know, but he's just
such a uniquely sensitive
child, and I'm not really
sure he's over the death of
Maya angelou, and I mean,
to tell him I'm shagging
- his teacher, I mean...
- You're going to have
to tell him eventually.
I mean, unless
you're not planning on
there being an eventually.
No, of course I am. And
I will, I promise.
I will tell him, I will.
Great, great.
Because you know, you don't want
him finding out on his own.
After all, you two are
unusually connected.
Oh, I don't know that we're
unusually connect...
He's early, I sense it. Run!
Back?
- He's coming, get in.
- Where, in there?
- Get in.
- Hey, mom.
- Get your legs in.
- Knitting class
was cut short today because Gail
wasn't really feeling too well.
Oh, you're home. Lovely.
Let's go that way, shall we?
There we are.
You can't bet for
you every hand.
These represent money,
and it's on the line.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa...
- Fiona hasn't told him yet?
- Nope.
- Deal me in?
- You know, Andy, it looks like
his pair might beat your pair.
Here we go.
Hey, pasty, you free
tomorrow night?
Absolutely. I try to
keep my Saturdays
ftee so I can get a jump on
the Sunday crossword as soon
as it becomes available online.
- Dude, you're a wild man.
- Well you should see me
do the puzzles in
pen, it's crazy.
Oh, wait.
My mom's got plans
tomorrow night so I'm home
- with a babysitter.
- Babysitters are for babies.
Just tell your mom you're
staying home alone,
- and then invite me over.
- Wait, you mean lie?
- To my mother?
- Well, if she's gonna treat you
like a baby then what
choice do you have?
You're 12 years old.
Text me when you
grow a pair, okay?
Wait, shea.
What kind of pear are
we talking about?
Like, are we going
bartlett, or bosc?
My mom and I have been talking
about growing some fruit trees.
Which brings us to our
one and only conclusion
I'm ready to stay home alone.
Oh, but darling, I
mean the last time...
Yeah, I know, I know, I
stabbed myself trying
to cut an orange. I'm
way ahead of you.
- Oh.
- This graph indicates that
as my voice has lowered, so has
my capacity for self-injury.
- I know, but...
- Mom, you've been going out
a lot lately. Night
shopping, night hiking,
- night biking.
- Yeah, those are all the things
I've told you I've been doing.
Just give me one chance.
Tomorrow night.
I promise I'll text
you every 90 minutes.
- 10.
- 45.
30. That's my final offer.
Yes. Best mom ever.
Oh, darling.
So what night thing are you
doing tomorrow anyway?
Um, well, I...
Do you know, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this?
I've got a new
commitment in my life.
It might upset you a bit,
but we can talk about it
and we can feel about it.
If it does.
The thing is, I've been...
I've been seeing mister...
Mister... mist... mist...
mist... Mysteries.
Mystery films. I've been
seeing mystery films
at the independent cinema.
'Cause I love mystery films,
all those twists and turns.
Ooh, actually my leg's
going to sleep, darling,
you're bloody heavy. Go
on, go get your homework
and we'll do it down here.
Thank you.
Classic mysteries at the
independent cinema.
Coward.
Just have a good time.
Good to see you.
I don't know, will. I
mean, hustling a guy
on the day of his
son's bar mitzvah.
What if we anger him? So what?
- What's he gonna do?
- What's he gonna do?
He knows jailed rappers.
You call me on this, the day
of my son's bar mitzvah
to do business?
What shame on you, kanye.
No, I'll listen to it,
go ahead and play it.
- Hey.
- Andy.
Oh, I'm so glad you
could make it.
Joshie, this is Andy, my
friend from toddler time.
Hey. Mazel tov.
- Nice to meet you.
- All right.
And who's this?
This guy is... he is...
um... my...
How do you describe him? He's
very close... personal...
Andy, it's okay, I get it.
What do you... what do you get?
We've always assumed
but now it's clear.
Not to me.
There's no "Laurie" is there?
- Laurie is...
- You have...
Nailed it, Tammy,
you little sleuth.
I can't believe you're still
doing the Laurie story.
Honestly he's crazy.
Hi, I'm will.
I'm Andy's... partner.
Life partner, husband, lover.
But whatever, we hate labels.
Labels are for jars, not people,
am I right?
We're together.
And that's what's
important to us, right?
Wait, you two are... a couple?
Couple of... couple of guys.
Yup.
Is that all right?
- No, it's not all right.
- See?
It's fabulous.
I thought this was going to
be a bunch of soccer moms
and tech stiffs.
But now maybe it'll
have a little
Flair, you know?
- Johnny idalis.
- Hi, will Freeman,
and have I got flair. I
have got flair to spare,
my friend. Shipwrecked
on an island?
Have no fear, I'm
your man, because,
Flair.
We'll see you on the
dance floor, I hope?
- All right.
- I love your shoes.
Bye.
Wow, you look incredible.
Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
Wow.
Did you do all that for me?
Yeah.
Look, Fiona, I know how hard
it was for you to tell Marcus
about us, so...
I figured the least I could
do was spend the day cooking
a six-course vegan
meal in return.
Uh... yeah... about that.
You did talk to him, didn't you?
Yeah, no, no, no,
yeah, we talked.
- We did.
- Was he terribly upset?
Not terribly.
Well the important
thing is you did it.
- I...
- And I am so incredibly proud
- of you for that.
- Well-
- let's not go mad...
- Why not?
We are out in the open, I think
that is cause for celebration.
Oh, hold that thought.
Chia gnocchi with
nutritional yeast sauce.
Great.
Wow.
You look so radiant
and luminous.
I don't do compliments.
Well, toot toot, all
aboard the fun train.
I've set up several
enjoyment stations.
And our first stop is
Tropical Snack Island.
Oh, oh, oh, and then we
have crossword corner.
- You got a suit?
- Uh, yeah.
Put it on. We're going out.
Tonight I'm going
to introduce you
to one of my favorite
things ever,
party crashing.
It's dangerous, it's
exciting, and it's dinner.
You don't do compliments,
I don't do dangerous.
Well, maybe it's time to start.
You want to be the
winklemans or the nakishers?
- That's Dr. nakisher to you.
- Let's go.
So, Andy, we're dying to know,
how did you score a tall
drink of water like will?
Mr. idalis? Such a
beautiful party.
Listen, my husband and I
are particularly delighted
to be here because, um...
Well here's the thing, I...
Do you guys mind if I took
you guys aside for a minute?
I'd love to get into your ears.
Oh, are you kidding? We
would love to have you
in our ears. We are
all about that.
- What?
- Hey!
We're not going to do any
sex gay stuff with my ears.
All right, I'm married
eleven years.
Will you stop being
such a homophobe, okay?
He's not going to do
anything gay to our ears.
And even if he does, so be it.
Do you see this USB
stick full of songs?
If I could get him on
board, this could change
my life forever. Don't
screw this up for me,
okay?
Okay, here's the deal, you
guys notice anything...
Familiar about this party?
The all-male wait staff
in Navy uniforms,
the only entree is rainbow
trout, the mani-pedi station?
My little joshie chose it all.
He's gay. I mean, he
doesn't think I know.
The thing is, I'm fine with it.
I'm more than fine,
I'm thrilled. But
you know how it is
with fathers and sons,
he can't talk to me.
So I was wondering if you
guys would talk to him.
See if you can get
through to him.
Let him know that it's
okay with me that he's...
One of... you. Tell
me if I'm crossing
- some kind of a gay line here.
- The only line you're crossing
is the one in front
of our hearts.
We would be so thrilled to
speak with your joshie.
Thank you. I really
owe you guys one
for this. Such a mitzvah.
- It's our pleasure.
- Came out of the closet
20 minutes ago, now
I'm a gay role model.
We can't keep this up. I
really can't keep doing this.
You gotta stop. Okay,
listen, I've got him
on the line, and I'm gonna
reel this big fish in,
so shut up and slow
dance with me.
What?
You know what? A
large part of me
wants to punch you in
the face right now.
And a little bit of me just
died in your arms tonight.
Pro move? Eat dessert first.
So much better than hotel food.
- Am I boring you?
- What?
Oh, no, I just didn't see
these texts from my mom
until now.
- "Momma bear to baby bear?"
- Can I have that back, please?
You're not going to
bail on me, are you?
I don't know. I'm
just racking up
the crimes against my mom here.
Sneaking out, eating gluten,
- impersonating a nakisher...
- You know, in the Jewish faith,
you'd almost be a man by now.
- Joshie.
- Yeah?
It's will, and you
remember my husband, Andy?
- Hi.
- And we just wanted to say,
mazel mazel. And we're
really into this whole
Navy theme you've
got going on here.
- Thanks.
- We're also really
into each other. Yeah,
we're just, uh,
a couple of dudes being loud
and proud and queer and here,
and having no fear, and slapping
each other on the rears.
Okay, then. Um, I should go
do some jelly beans for my Nana.
Yo.
What the hell was that?
When I get nervous, I rhyme.
It happens all the time.
You're an embarrasment.
Shvitzing.
Oh, God, he's not at
will's, he's not upstairs.
He's not lying dead
on the kitchen floor,
I mean, where is he?
M sure he's fine,
he's probably out
with a friend somewhere and
just lost track of time.
No, you don't understand,
Marcus doesn't do that.
He's... he doesn't
go to the bathroom
without checking in with me,
much less leave the house.
What if he's trapped in a wall?
Marcus!
Oh, Marcus?
Are you trapped in the wall?
- He's not in the wall.
- Darling, can you whistle?
Can you whistle for mommy?
Oh, my God. Where's my son?
- He's at the Chapman hotel.
- How do you know that?
I activated the "find my
kids" app on your phone.
See that little red dot?
That's your guy.
Oh, my little blinking boy.
What are you doing there?
All: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Whoo.
- They're coming,
they're coming.
- What's that poking me?
- My USB stick.
Oh, God. Ooh!
Thanks, you guys, for
sharing your story tonight.
I don't know if any of it
got through to him, but...
You know, listen, whatever
happens, at least
he has a supportive father,
that's more than I ever had.
Yeah, my dad never thought
I'd amount to anything.
Never thought I'd get
my driver's license,
and now I've got a driver.
What business are you in?
- Oh, I'm in the music business.
- Is that right?
I'm a songwriter. That's
crazy, I actually
- as a matter of fact have...
- Wait, will,
is that you?
What are you doing here?
We're having the
time of our lives,
- we're party crashers.
- Dude, not cool.
Marcus, there you are.
Fiona!
Will, why are you stroking Andy?
Well, now, wait, I won't have
anyone made to feel less than
because they're gay and in love.
Gay? If you're gay,
then who's the retinue
of half-naked trollops
who parade in and out
of your house everyday?
Hairdressers.
Is this true?
- Have you been lying to us?
- Wait, mom,
what are you doing here with Mr.
Chris?
And why are you wearing that "I
don't respect myself" dress?
- You didn't tell him.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Was anyone here actually invited
to our son's bar mitzvah?
I'm sorry.
And Laurie's real.
Most important rule
of party crashing?
Knowing when to peace out.
And that time is now.
But, hey...
I gotta say you
impressed me tonight.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Honestly, neither did I.
Chris, I'm so sorry I lied.
I... you have to understand,
it's just been Marcus and me.
For so long, it's just
been the two of us,
and I didn't know
how to tell him.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna
let you talk to your son.
You know, Fiona, it's not
just the two of you anymore.
Hey, Mr. idalis, wait, please!
I... I've written a hit song,
I'm a big deal, like you.
Okay, not... not like you.
All right?
But I was successful. And I
just, how do I put this?
I've been, like, in the
desert for 40 years and
I just need my Moses to lead
me to the promised land.
You know, first, you
pretend to be gay,
now you belittle my religion.
You disgust me.
Disgust isn't what I was
going for, exactly.
Maybe we can build from that.
Dad, I have to say something.
Tonight, watching those two guys
do whatever... they were doing,
I figured something out.
There's nothing more pathetic
than pretending to be
someone you're not.
So... here it goes.
I'm gay.
I've never been so proud of you.
I love this boy!
No, I love this man.
Looks like love was the
big winner tonight.
No, you're touching my family.
Don't touch my family.
In this thumbdrive
is a hit song.
- Mm.
- I just need you to listen...
- Just get the hell out of here.
- I'll call
- your office tomorrow.
- No, don't bother.
Tammy.
I think we need to remember the
toddler time forgiveness song.
♪ It's okay, it's all right,
everyone makes mistakes ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
- Leave.
- Okay.
Wha... Marcus, wait. Hold on.
I'm not talking to
you, teacher lover.
Wait, we'll get to that,
but we need to talk
about some consequences for
your behavior tonight.
Of all the guys in
the whole world,
why did you have to
pick my teacher?
Do you have any idea how deeply
disgusting this is for me?
- Do you even care?
- Course I care.
I... I don't know why I
fell for your teacher.
I wish it was someone
else, but it's not.
And can't we just move
forward from this point?
Can we just find a way of
finding some acceptance?
No.
I'm not accepting this.
It's too gross.
I'm gonna go upstairs
and brush my teeth,
and do you wanna know why?
Because I had sugar tonight.
Bleached, white, sugar!
I... I didn't have fun tonight
at all, it was terrible.
Yeah, let's never do that again.
So what happens now? I
just call you, or...
Yeah, you know, we
call each other, so.
Yeah, good-bye.
Okay, I'll just... Yeah.
You don't gotta be
weird about it.
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