A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 15 - Cop Killer - full transcript

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(chattering)

(clucking)

(man)
Oh, you cut me.

Listen, you have
to wait for me.

(man)
Like a baby's bum.

(man)
Have a seat, here.

(man)
Sit up, sit up!

(man)
Oh, you cut me!

(man)
Sorry about that, okay,
we'll fix that up.

(clamoring)



(buzzing)

(Archie Goodwin)
When an early morning
controversy

propelled Fritz
from the brownstone

to the fishmonger's

and left me
to fend for myself,

i procured
an egg-and-anchovy sandwich

from the drugstore.

It's very, very nice
to meet your acquaintance.

Not yet.

Yes.

(knocking)

You'll have to wait.

(knocking continues)

Mr. Goodwin,
we are here.



Yeah, wonderful,
do you have a reservation?

You told me once
people in danger

only have to
mention your name.

Yeah, well,
sometimes i talk too much...

and mr. Wolfe,
he is a great man,

two great men.

No, no, he's the great man,
i'm just a caddy,

and i...

oh, oh, yes,
barbershop carl.

The name's carl...
yeah, and Tina, right?

Yes, i didn't recognize you
with a hat on.

We love this country.

We love this country!

Wait 'til you see
chilicothe, ohio!

Is that west?
We want to go west,

but you see,
we don't know where to go,

thisoy-hoymaybe?

We need your help,
i have $50 here.

Please, we must
escape this danger!

We must escape it!

(speaking foreign language)

We do love this country.

Sure.

Oh, no, it's fine,
really, no problem.

If you insist...

yes... um, now,
tell me about this danger.

I met Tina three years ago

amp
in russia.

I would tell you why,

but believe me
en i tell you,

they would?? Ever have
let us get out alive.

Ahhh,
but you are alive.

They think we're dead!

Vardas
was not our name.

We took that name
back in istanbul.

No places and no people!

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
you are most right!

So, at a certain time,
in a certain way,

we cross the ocean.

We try very hard
to come to this country

according to your rules,

but it was
in no way possible.

Since we are here,

i could say that we would be
healthy and happy

beyond our dreams,
except for the danger.

We do not know what minute

someone will come
and ask us how we got here.

This minute that went by,
it was all right.

No one asked,
but there's the next minute,

and the next minute
and the next minute...

and, now,
the danger has come,

this morning,
a man came to the barbershop

and he asked us questions,

an official,
a policeman detective.

He asked about carl and i,

i told him
we were d.p. S from italy,

but, tomorrow,
he will return

and he will ask
to see our papers.

We can't go back there.

We have to leave
new york, today, now!

Tell him what he asked.

He asked about last night,
about where i was

and what i was doing,
from the time the shop closes,

half past six,
from then on.

And he went and talked
to everyone in the shop,

he asked the same thing!

We left, we went home
and we packed,

but then we decide
we don't know where to go,

so we decide the best thing
would be to come to you.

And mr. Wolfe...

carl likes you the best
of all the customers.

And you only tip him a dime,
so it's not that.

I have noticed you myself,

the way you look, like a man
who would break rules.

Damn it!
Beat it!

Don't you get it?!

You left, lone tags you!

What were you doing
last night?

Breaking more rules?!

No, we went straight home,
as usual!

(carl)
We were asleep by 10:30.

Ah, you're here,
where were you?

You were gone today,
what happened, huh?

Oh, you have that look
on your face.

Were you being naughty?

Tell me,
tell me, well...

what'd you get?
What'd you get, huh?

What's the surprise?

Time magazine
for you.

Oh, time magazine,
yes, yes!

Life magazine
for me.

Oh, life magazine,
very good, very good.

No now...

what?
What?

Oh... oh!

An american toaster.

Ah, was it expensive?

No, no, no...

look, ah, ha-ha-ha!
Look, look!

Look.
What's this?

Peanut butter,
taste it.

Oh, i love this country.

Oh, it's good,
isn't it?

Well, if you're clean
for last night,

why didn't you just
stay put this morning?!

You are an american,

when a policeman
asks you a question,

two people alone cannot
answer a policeman's questions.

They need a country,

Tina and i,
we have no country.

Archie, what the devil
is going on?

And his a,
you've seen her too.

Now, they were just...

he's a little grumpy.

All right, you bought
yourself a detective,

now, you need
to just stay put.

I'm gonna talk to Wolfe,

i'm gonna go
to the barbershop.

I'm gonna try to straighten
this whole thing out.

Now, important,
if you hear a buzzer,

bring mr. Wolfe
a bottle of beer,

but do not open it...
no, you save that for a lawyer.

Thank you, thank you.

The beer is in the fridge,
right over there.

Buzzer, bring beer,
not to be opened.

Thank you.

Buzzer, beer,
don't open.

Buzzer, beer,
don't open.

Buzzer, beer,
don't open.

(speaking foreign language)

Ahhhh!

I'm going out.
Where?

That pair of foreigners got
themselves in quite a mess.

What do you
intend to do?

Just a little detective work,
not in your class.

You can dock my pay.

Oh, by the way,

Fritz is still out wrestling
with the fish, there,

so if you ring for beer,
that woman will bring it.

Did you tell her...

that she puts ice in it,
yes, of course.

Phooey!

(Archie)
My campaign against danger
was to simple and easy,

i would begin
at thegoldenrod barbershop,

i would get in ed's chair,
ask for a shave,

and find out
just how dangerous

the danger was.

I'm a customer here!
Come on, what's...

but it was neither
simple nor easy.

(man
what are you looking at?

Purley, tell them
to let me in, will ya?

Yeah.

This gonna turn into
another Nero Wolfe babies?

Not unless you turn it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a customer here,

i'm just here
for my shave and trim.

Yeah, your man
graboff's busy, ha!

Are you gonna
be long, there, ed?

Just a minute,
mr. Goodwin.

All right,
i'll just, uh,

pass the time talking
to you, there, purley.

I don't feel
like talkin'.

Does the corpse
have a name?

I don't feel like
talking.

All right, well, i can talk
to other people,

i can, maybe, do some
inh personnel.

Maybe, help you
solve the case.

As long as you're here,
you know a guy who works here,

takes the coats and hats,

and has the name
of carl vardas?

His wife's Tina,
she's the manicurist.

Yeah, i know him well enough
to give him a dime.

You know,
he takes my hat and coat.

Tina, i don't know 'cause
i do my own nails.

Why are you asking?

You know, there's no law
against you coming in here

for a shave, Goodwin,

but just the sight of you
around a murder

gives me an itch.

For the record,
did you see this guy, vardas,

or Tina this morning?

Yes, yes, they are
in my kitchen right now.

That's why i came down here,
so maybe if you hurry...

can the gag,
they killed a cop!

Well, one of them did,

right there,
behind that manicure booth,

this morning.

Stuck a long pair of scissors
in his back and got his pump.

The guy was a dick
from the 20th precinct,

jake wallen.

By the time he was found,
they had gone.

Any prints
on the scissors?

We don't need prints,

didn't i just say
they lammed?

So, what, you came here to...
take somebody in or what?

Yeah, i can't prove it,
yet.

Do you know what, uh,

do you know what
he was following?

(buzzing)

You know, why don't i just
save myself the time, huh?

I'll tell you what,

you know what i would do
if i were you?

You're not me!

I'm not gonna get rid
of you, otherwise.

Okay, listen.

Last night, around midnight,
two pedestrians hit by a car

at 81st and broadway,

both killed,
the car keeps going.

The car's discovered later
at 96th and broadway, it's hot.

Wallen phones the owner
of the stolen vehicle,

asks him if he has any
connection with this place,

thegoldenrod barbershop,

if he knows anybody
who does.

The guy says he never heard
of the place,

but you know something?

Wallen was brough here.

It had to be something
he found in the car.

(ed)
Mr. Goodwin,
anytime.

All right,
just a minute there, ed.

Did he show or mention it
to anybody at the precinct?

Nah, damn fool
kept it to himself,

got himself killed.

He brought that paper in,
right there.

Last night's edition
of thegazette, that's it.

You say
yes. You're ready?

Mr. Wolfe oughta be here,
huh, Archie?

That's mighty tactless
of you, there, jimmy.

Oh, that's all we'd need,
Nero Wolfe!

Anyone could solve
this case.

Well, yeah,
but he's a genius.

(chatter)

Keep it moving,
come on, get out of here.

Let's go.

I leaned back
and let my mind go.

Who were the other suspects,
here,

besides carl
and the pretty Tina?

I knew that Philip had
had two sons

killed in world war ii,

and had never
really recovered.

And had never
bodily in the barbershopkler
had been attacked

by his ex-wife,

and only partially
recovered.

He kept accusing
Wolfe's barber, jimmy,

of stealing supplies,

everything from combs
and hair tonic

to the magazines
left out for the customers.

Ed, my barber,
was always in debt

to keeping our race tracks open.
His devotion

and, then, there was janet,
the other manicurist.

We got a woman in the back,
and forensics got 'em, yeah,

and look who's here.

You're a detective.

Aren't you?

Cheese and rice.

Well, if it isn't
inspector cramer of homicide.

What's the angle,
Goodwin?

No angle, i'm just here
to get my shave and trim.

Yeah?

How many times
you lied to me?

A million?

Ask purley.
Two million.

Come on, guys,
i just wanna get a shave.

Come on,
leave me alone.

Yeah, okay,
hey, ed?

Ed, give him a shave,
and dull the razor.

I was surprised to see cramer
on the scene,

but, then,
it was no mere citizen

who'd met his death
here.

Proving
even an inspector

likes to be well though of
by the rank and file.

How could i keep from having
my name in the paper?

Oh, i wish i was dead!

Can i trust you?

Sure.

You know, i'm no great
detective like you,

but carl did it all right,
what'd they run for?

I wanted to tell ed that
that might be a little risky,

pointing a finger at carl.

Unless he could prove it,
it didn't seem wise.

And Fickler put wallen
in Tina's booth.

After he talked to Tina,
he called for Philip,

jimmy, me...
and last, janet.

You bastard!

The coppers asked me
how long it was

was it 10 minutes?

15 minutes before Fickler
came running out

yelling his bloody head off.

E thing is,
i can't remember exactly.

And they can't make me,

but it doesn't matter
'cause carl did it.

You know he had fits, right?

But, see,
they gotta have evidence,

the way the system works,
they need evidence.

But i don't,
carl did it.

How's that towel,
okay?

Yeah, yeah,
no, it's great.

The inspector don't like you
being here, Goodwin,

neither do i.

That makes three of us,

you know, you're lucky
it's not Wolfe's day

to get his hair cut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You, make this a short one,
you hear me?

You, make this a short one,
you hear me?

Will you be back
later?

Oh, yeah, just give me
a minute, huh?

Yeah, yeah...
just be a sec.

My folks in michigan think
i'm acting or modeling!

And here... oh, my god!

Yeah, well, keep going,
tell me everything.

Well, when i went back
to Tina's booth,

no doubt at all
what that cop wanted.
Well, when i went back
to Tina's booth, e was

oh, oh, oh!
Help, help, help!

Let me go!
Oh, let me go!

You bastard!
You bastard!

You bastard!
You bastard!

Ah... ah...
aaaaaahhhh!

And if i really want
a successful career,

the way i say i do...

marks
on my throat?

Hmm, well, that would get you
top billing anywhere.

There was no mark whatsoever
on her smooth, pretty throat.

I can't,
it'd be so darn vulgar.

It's bound to come out
in the end.

I simply can't.

Well, you know, i may even
get the district attorney

to make it manslaughter.

A girl has to get
her career established

before she gets married,

that's why,
when i see an attractive man,

i never wonder
if he's married.

Ah, good policy, sure.

I wouldn't ask you if you
knew anyone in showbusiness

because i'd never accept
help from a man.

A girl has
to forge her own way.

She has to move forward
with her own passions

and her own feelings...

okay, yeah...

...and the way
to live her life,

i know that
i will do everything...

(chatter)

(music and chatter)

(man laughing)

(chuckling)

And from that day on,
carl and i have never taken

a piece of bread
for granted.

This is true,
we have never taken

a piece of bread
for granted.

I'm told that your Stalin,

when he was ill,
several months ago,

summoned two likely
successors to his side.

He also summoned
two birds.

The first candidate,

terrified that the bird
would fly free,

squeezcreature
so tightly that he killed it.

The second,

seeing the displeasure cloud
over Stalin's face,

was so frightened

that he hardly held
the bird at all

and, of course, it escaped.

Obviously, the vardases
had come clean with Wolfe.

Wolfe must've felt
the distant rumblings

of human sympathy
for these two,

his daughter
and his oldest friend, Marko,

has been murdered by Stalin's
puppets in Yugoslavia.

"Bring me a bird,"
thundered Stalin!

He held this bird
by the legs,

and slowly, one by one,

plucked each feather
off this poor creature...

from his tiny, little body.

Stalin then opened his palm
and there lay this bird,

shivering.
Stalin then opened his palm
and there lay this bird, naked...

and he looked up
and smiled gently and said,

"you see, this little bird
is thankful

for the human warmth
of my palm."

Mmmm...
mmmm...

oh...

i know you have a distaste
for business during meals,

but 18,000 cops
would give a month's pay

ah, indeed.

Yes, i just ran
into Cramer and Stebbins

at the barbershop.

Confound it!

Wolfe knew that Cramer
and Stebbins meant homicide,

and he had a strong prejudice

against entertaining murderers
at his table.

That lunch was one
of his finest performances.

Are you enjoying this wine?

It's a 1938riesling,
given to me by a young man

named Jacques Mangetout,
you know him?

No...

no.

(Wolfe)
What have you got
us into now?

Did you say "us"?
Yes.

Yeah, what do you mean?

I didn't invite them
to lunch!

I merely let them in,
which is one of my functions.

Sit down!
Sit down, mr. Vardas!

Sit down, mrs. Vardas!

Archie...

i filled Wolfe in
on more recent events.

The dead girls,
the hit-and-run,

the stolen car...

but when i came
to the meat of the matter,

i maneuvered so i'd have
a good view of Tina's face.

Fickler goes back there,

and there he sees
officer Wallen,

laying there with a pair
of scissors buried in his back.

(gasping)

Carl!
You didn't, carl!

Wolfe would rather be
in a room with a hungry tiger

than a woman out of hand.

No!
No, no.

My wife has a big idea of me,
as i do of her,

but i did not
kill that man!

Of course, you are going
to turn us in

to the police, now.

Sit down.

I have an idea.

You can go away
for a few days.

I know a place in the bronx,
have you been to the bronx?

It's a safe house.

You can go there
for a few days,

no one will bother you.

Okay, here's
how you're gonna get there.

You don't take the subway,
do you have a car?

No problem.

You'll take
mr. Wolfe's car.
Archie...

excuse me,
but i cannot drive a car.

You can't drive?

I don't drive.

She'll drive.

She don't drive,
either.

You don't drive?
You drive?

Neither one of you drives?
Everybody drives.

No, in america, yes,
but we don't drive.

You don't drive?

Never had the chance
to learn.

S flummery?!
Never had the chance
to learn. What is thi

i want to establish
whether they drive.

No, no.
Never.

(sighing)

Well, yeah, no, what it is...

to qualify
as a hit-and-run driver,

you must meet certain
specifications.

The main one
is knowing how to drive!

Let us just go ourselves.

No, phooey!

You would try
to skedaddle,

and you would be
caught within an hour.

If you're not convicted
of murder,

you'll be apprehended
for lack of documents!

Wolfe was trapped,

forced to be a champion
of humanity

and stand by
his fellow travellers.

He'd have to make
the ultimate sacrifice

and go to work.

I want to know
every word wallen said,

every question he asked,
each word!

He asked about
the night before...

Tina did pretty well
under the circumstances.

I remember he took notes
and he...

ad a newspaper.

A newspaper?
In his hand?

Then, he got
to the newspaper.

Or was it
under his arm?

In his hand.
In his hand?

I think,
yes, i'm sure.

Was it folded?

Of course,
newspaper's are folded.

Just remember the newspaper
as you saw it in his hand!

Was it folded

as if he had had it
in his pocket?

No, it wasn't folded.

Was there anything
unusual about it?

It was just a newspaper.

Confound it.

It's impossible,
if i so much as stir a finger,

we'll have cramer yelping
and i have no muzzle for him.

Yes.

(doorbell ringing)

(knocking)
Yeah?

(man)
It is the man
to fix the chair.

Ah, indeed.

You'd better get
into the kitchen, right now.

All right, well, we are
now harboring fugitives.

Well, you are.

I told purley stebbins
this morning

that they were
in the kitchen.

Now, one of the advantages

of having a reputation
for gags,

is you that can say
virtually anything,

if you know how to play
your face.

You have a problem.

Yeah, phooey!

(doorbell ringing)

(cramer)
I want to know why you went
to that barbershop, Goodwin!

I go there, sometimes.

No, no,
don't give me that!

Graboff and flicker
both say

you've been coming
there for six years,

and you never once showed up
just for a trim!

Not once!

Archie, where is
that richter file?!

I'm trying,
but, by golly...

they both say you just come
there to get the works?

A shampoo, scalp massage,
a haircut and a shave!

But, today, of all days,

you show up without
an appointment,

and just get a trim,
so i don't believe that...

neither mr. Goodwin
nor i is responsible

for your credulity quotient,
mr. Cramer.

So you going there had nothing
to do with the murder, huh?!

It if you write it ou
t,

i would be happy
to sign it.

No, you write it out!

How about we go down
to the corner drugstore.

They got a notary there.

No, today,
i want it today.

Now, how was mr. Goodwin
supposed to have learned

about this murder?!

Well, i don't know,
i don't have a diagram.

Maybe, you sent him?

Yes, well, then, maybe,

you should get an affidavit
from me!

I give you my word
that i did not send Archie

to the barbershop,

that i did not know
he was going there,

and i did not know
about any murder

before
he came home and told me.

Your word!

Yes, my word,
of course!

Now, what prompted you
to come here?!

A policeman was murdered,

and anytime
Goodwin is poking around,

i wanna know why.

I don't believe you.

Well, i can see that money
hasn't pulled you

into the case
because no one in it has any!

Archie, i think you're
responsible for this.

What?

Yes, you're brash,
you talk too much.

You said something!

It's always me.

Yes, well,
reconstruct it.

What did you say
to mr. Cramer?

I said nothing,
i said nothing.

Nothing?!
That's puzzling.

Practically
nothing.

What did you say
to mr. Stebbins?

Nothing!

Stebbins, he wanted to know
what brought me there and i...

wait a minute, hold on.

Say...
maybe, you're right.

Yes, stebbins asked me if i had
seen carl or Tina this morning,

and i said, "yes."

And they... he asked if i...
and i... i told him i had.

"Because i brought them here,"
i told him.

What?
You see,

your confounded tongue!

Is that
helpful?

Well, now, that he's rashly
exposed our little secret,

i suppose there's no sense
in trying to keep it.

That's what
we use the kitchen for.

What?!

To keep
the murderers in.

What?

You're armed,
aren't you?

Go and get them,
Archie, open the door!

Bullheaded as cramer was,

our buildup
might have convinced him

to go take a look,

but the thought of how silly
he would look coming back

complicated it for him.

Nuts, i gotta get
back to work.

Don't bother.

I just lost 10 pounds.

I'm going
to the plant rooms.

Admit no more displaced persons
to this house.

Two is quite enough.

Well, how is everyone?

(carl)
What is going
on here?

We want to go,
we will pay you the $50.

Well you can't,
that was inspector cramer.

Since we told him
you were here...

why did you tell him?!

You betrayed us.

Ah, don't worry it,

it's the hitler-stalin
technique in reverse.

They told barefaced lies to
have them taken for the truth,

we told bareface truths
to have them taken for a lie.

And proud of it,

but i'm here to tell you
that we're stuck,

and so are you,

and we're all gonna have
to wait for Wolfe's genius

to come into effect, here,
all right?

No longer simple.
To come into effect, here,
all right? Things were

proving neither carl nor Tina
could drive a car

proved nothing
about carl plunging scissors

into jake wallen's back
in a fit of rage.

Well, hello, purley...
your boss just left...

(purley)
Well, look, janet
took a whack on the head.

She'll only talk to you.

Sure, sure...

Fritz, listen,
i have to hop it, right?

Give them freedom of movement,
but keep them inside,

and set two extra
places for dinner.

Yes, mr. Goodwin, sir.

Purley.

In the back, won't talk to
anybody but Archie Goodwin.

And you wonder
my opinion of myself

is what it is?

(chuckling)

Hi, Archie.

Let me just check
your pump, here.

Well, your pump is good.

Mind if i inspect
your head?

Be very careful.

Yes, good thing you got
a good, thick skull.

You know,
i started to scream,

but it was too late.

I was sitting
in the customer's chair.

Just sitting,
trying to think.

And there was
a noise behind me,

and i looked up and saw him
reflected in the glass,

justtanding there
with his arm raised...

wait a minute, you were here,
you were like this.

O on.

Yes, i was sitting,
trying to think.

Now...
before he struck you,

could you see
the reflection? Yeah.

Did you recognize
who it was?

Yes, it was the one they call
"sergeant stebbings".

That's stebbins,
purley stebbins.

Yes, sergeantpurely stebbings,
purely stebbings,

and that's why i had
to tell you and not them.

You see, he came at me
with such brute force,

a look of terror in his eyes,

mad passion,
he was groping at me,

starting to tear
at my clothes,

and he brought up his hand,

and he brought it
down on my head,

and, then,
i fell to the ground...

but i can't honestly say
it was him that hit me.

You can't?

Well, i know that it was him
standing behind me

with his arm raised,

and then something hit me
in the head.

One can only
draw conclusions.

Yes, yes,
sounds logical.

People should be very careful
what they accuse

other people of.

I agree.

But that's why i need you,

because when the reporters
come and say, "who hit you?"

I'd have to say,
"i don't know."

And they'd say,
"well, why did he hit you?"

And i'd say, "i don't know."

And who would
want to read that?

So i'll refer them to you,
instead.

Refer who?
The reporters.

That's how you'll
earn your 10%.

10%?

As my manager,
it's a standard fee.

Oh, very good idea,
but, you know,

he thing about reporters is,

see, they like to get
a jump on the police.

What's that?

Well, for instance,
if stebbins crowned you, right?

He must have had
an accomplice.

We'll call him "x".

But i don't remember
anything like that.

Now, you want the reporters
to hate you?

Or you want them
to listen to your story?

And take in
every word... yeah...

put your picture in the paper
and make you famous!

Yeah!

Okay, then, here's what
we're gonna do.

Now, what i want you to do

is i want you
to close your eyes.

Close them.

That's it, all right,
now, i'm gonna take you back.

Who was it that came
around the corner?

Was it Philip?

Philip,
coming around the corner?

Was it ed, maybe?
It was ed.

Maybe, it was Fickler...

it was jimmy!

Oh my god, it was jimmy
because he's crazy.

And he's got a red face 'cause
he's got high blood pressure

and he drinks too much

and he always wants
to take me drinking,

but i say no because
i'm not that kind of girl.

(giggling and sighing)

Oh my head.
Oh, boy.

Oh, well, i don't have to you
ask you if you heard it all.

If you shoot her,

send her brain
tojohns hopkins.

Can i go now?

No.
No?

No, she might insist on seeing
her manager, again.

You know, i ain't sold

she's as unfurnished
inside her head

as she lets on.

Three months ago, she shoved
a full-grown human male

out of his own car
into a ditch.

Well, that's all well
and good and everything,

but Fritz made some pork,
see, so...

oh, well, yeah, well, we'd all
like to go home for dinner.

Nobody leaves!
Nobody!

A little privacy, please.

(phone ringing)

What?!

Despite his bad phone manners,
i filled him in.

You say no progress
has been made?

Some progress,

janet asked me
to be her manager.

I'm giving you
my notice.

Phooey!

Well, it looks like
the whole party is gonna be...

is gonna be moved
downtown,

so i will not be able to join
you for that delicious pork.

You mean this thing will not be
settled before dinner?

Ah, well, i doubt it,
i mean... do you mind?

Yeah, yeah!

I hate to say it,
but it looks like you

might have to dine

with those murderers
in the kitchen, again.

Confound it!

The reading material
was still the same.

A two-week-oldtime
andthe new yorkeri'd read,

so i passed the time by
analyzing the dirt

purley had assembled
on thegoldenrodgang.

It seems Fickler had done
a turn in '46 for assault.

Jimmy kirk, Wolfe's guy,

had expensive tastes
for a barber.

Philip toracco went off
the rails when his wife left,

and spent the year
in a booby hatch.

And... nothing much
to hang a murder on.

So my mind wandered back,
naturally, to janet,

which, of course,
was even more hopeless.

Right, Fritz!
Yeah!

When did he leave?

He's going where?
Fritz, i can't hear you!

(chattering)

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir,
you can't come in here.

Archie!
Where's mr. Cramer?

Well, well!
Let him in, tiny.

Jimmy!
I have come for a trim.

(cramer)
Well, isn't that something,
purley?

Nero Wolfe, who never
leaves his brownstone,

coincidentally,
comes to a barbershop,

which, coincidentally, is
the scene of a homicide!

Whic
only several hours

after Archie Goodwin,
also, coincidentally,

shows up
at the same crime scene,

claiming all he wanted
was a shave.

(cramer)
Yeah, a series
of coincidences,

for the books, huh?

Jimmy, my trim,
if you please.

Go ahead,
give him a trim, jimmy.

Not too... not too short
like last time, jimmy.

Not too... not too short
like last time, jimmy.

Okay, we believe you,

you're getting
your damn hair cut.

Now, tell us why you're
really here?

And cut the crap about
the murderers in the kitchen.

You wish to harass me or do
you wanna catch a murderer?

You know what i want,
Wolfe.

Then, let me propose
a series of assumptions,

merely on the basis
of exploration.

Do you want
to hear them?

Just don't drag it out.

The first one
being this:

That detective wallen
found something in the car,

where is, uh, miss stahl?

(Archie)
She's in the back,
laying down on her head.

Well, she can sit up,
can't she?

How've you been,
jimmy?

Just fine.

Psst!

Did you bring
the reporter?

Now, listen, girl,
you're getting off easy.

Nero Wolfe is here
with a suggestion,

and wants your opinion on it.

But what about
the reporter?

No, no, no,
no buts.

How's that fellow
you live with, your roommate?

Petey?
Yeah, he's good.

All right,
he's waiting.

Now, come one,
you want me to carry you?

Certainly not, and by the way,
you're fired.

Cut the chit-chat, let's get
back to the assumptions, Wolfe.

Would you turn me around,
jimmy, please?

(stebbins)
Sit down!

There, that's perfect.
Thank you.

Now, the first one
is that wallen found something

in the car, an object...

it couldn't have been
something he was told,

for there was no one to
tell him anything.

(cramer)
We made that assumption
without your help.

Yes, my felicitations.

The second is that wallen
brought the object here

wrapped in the newspaper
he was carrying.

Not too short,
back there, jimmy.

Not too short.

Yes, sir.

Not like last time...

which was an early
edition of thenews

on sale last evening,
not on sale this morning.

Yeah, we already
got that one too.

And it was not merely
stuffed in his pocket.

He had it in his hand,
unfolded,

the way it
is on the newsstand.

You see to know a hell
of a lot about that paper.

(Wolfe)
I know nothing you don't know,

not to put too fine a point
on it, jimmy.

Not like last time!

But not too much
off the back, yes, sir.

That's right.

Now, it's difficult
to account for his carrying

a stale newspaper
in such a manner,

unless it was a container
for something else...

an object.

Now, the fourth assumption
is that whatever the object was,

the murderer had got hold of it
and disposed of it.

Yeah, carl vardas,
and he lammed it!

Well, i believe...

i believe i'll have
a shave, now, jimmy.

Sure, but you don't
need a shave, mr. Wolfe.

I'll have a shave, jimmy.

Sure.

(sighing)

Now, the fifth assumption,

is that the murderer
was neither carl nor Tina.

(stebbins)
What the hell
are you talking about now?

Wait, wait, wait,
tell us why.

Well, if we assume...

that carl and Tina
are not involved,

then, they did not take
the object away with them,

and it is still here,
in this shop.

I can assume
your surveillance

has been constant
and alert.

Could anyone have removed
such an object from the shop?

No.

How good a "no",
mr. Stebbins?

Good enough for me,
mr. Wolfe!

Then, the seventh
and last assumption is this:

That no proper search
for such an object

has been made
on account of your assumption

of carl and Tina's guilt.

What we're after is an object
with something on it,

that identifies it
as coming from the shop.

Something with the name
or address

or phone number, perhaps.

Something flat, perhaps,
of considerable dimension...

and easily recognizable.

Now, all of you
were questioned by mr. Wallen,

correct?

(man)
Yes!

Then only the murderer

saw the object
or was told of it.

You too, jimmy!

Stop,
and think a moment.

Oh, i can work and think,
mr. Wolfe, huh?

(stebbins)
This is a turkey.

Say we find what
you're looking for,

what's it gonna get us?

(Wolfe)
Fingerprints.

Nuts!

If it belongs here, it's gonna
have their prints are on it!

Nottheirfingerprints,
mr. Stebbins...

detective wallen's
fingerprints.

Oh, jeez!

Mr. Fickler, you look like
you've been thinking hard?

Yeah, i have been
thinking hard.

I don't know.

(Wolfe)
Phillip?

(phillip ke i sai
d,
i don't know what.

Ed?

You go?? Me, pass.

You pass?
Miss stahl?

I think he was keeping
the newspaper,

so that he could read it.

I know i do that
sometimes.

Say, i don't have
time in the evening,

well, the next morning...

jimmy?

I can't think of one object
like that in the shop,

mr. Wolfe,
not a one.

Phooey!

Either you have
no brains at all,

or you're all involved
in the conspiracy.

Now, i'm looking
at such an object, right now:

The magazines!

Yes, you subscribe to them,
mr. Fickler?

If they come through the mail,

the name and address
is on them, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they all have
the name and address on them.

Aw, shucks, not this one.

(cramer)
Hey, hey, drop that!
Don't touch that!

Oh, but the name
and address isn't on it.

Give me that,
get outta here!

(Wolfe)
That magazine comes
in a brown wrapper,

but the rest of them don't.

For instance,
thattime magazine

over there on the ledge,

the addressee
is on the cover...

what if he took it
from here,

and had it in his pocket
when he stole the car?

Then, did not notice
that it had fallen

from his pocket
to the seat,

where wallen found it.

Oh, i remember!
Remember, jimmy?

You came by this morning
with that towel...

and that magazine.

And then you tossed it
on the shelf.

Remember, i asked you
if you'd been steaming it!

(groaning and grunting)

(stebbins)
Settle down, buddy!

It's not me!

Hey, get over here!
Get over here!

Put the cuffs on him!
Come on, get him outta here!

There's your
cop killer, boys!

Take him downtown!

Jimmy?

Confound it, it would
have beenmybarber.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

(joyous laughing)

(Archie)
You know damn well
what's gonna happen,

danger's gonna come back.
Again and again and again...

until one cold night,

there's not enough feathers
and no warm place to hide away.

(Wolfe)
Oh, shut up!

You know,
what the problem is here,

you just won't
stick your neck out.

You know,
general carpenter owes you.

Why don't you get him
working on it?!

Archie...

as a matter of fact,
i have his home phone number.

Archie?

Yeah,
let's get him working on it.

I mean, what the hell?

A person-to-person
is a measly buck.

L... l... l... l...

i got my naturalization
papers 24 years ago.

Ah, well this
isn't about you.

There you are,
comrade.

Yes, operator?

I'd like to make
a person-to-person call

to general carpenter.

I have $50 here.

We must escape
this danger!

We must escape it!

(speaking foreign language)

Are you going to
turn us in?

No, no, they would not.

This is not a bad danger.

I don't wish
to contact him!

There's a good danger,
a bad danger.

This is good danger.

There is
no such thing!

He means not
to hide anymore.

Yeah, yeah, listen,
you get through this danger,

you'll never have to face
the bad danger ever again.

General!
It's Nero Wolfe.

Did you... you did receive
the truffles?

(banging on table)

Yes, we had
to go to perigord.

Good. Good...
yes, there's a matter

that i wish to discuss
with you.

And it concerns
two exemplary people,

who would make
very significant additions

to the citizenry
of this country.

Yes, you will...
good... early next week?

They will be there...
good, goodbye.

(speaking foreign language)

(joyous laughter)

Oh... oh-oh!

Ah!
Ah! Ah!

(Wolfe)
Satisfactory,
Fritz.

There we are.

(laughter)

It's beautiful!

(clapping)

A toast
to a great man:

Nero Wolfe.

Two great men!

Two great men!

(speaking foreign language)

Same to you,
yeah...

(Wolfe)
To your health,
security and happiness.

(laughter)

(carl)
Thank you,
thank you, thank you...

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