A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 12 - Help Wanted, Male - full transcript
Wolfe turns away a frightened prospective client who desperately wants Wolfe to defend him after receiving a threatening letter. When the man is murdered hours thereafter, Wolfe fears for his own life after he receives an identical letter. He hires a lookalike to impersonate him at $100 per diem and waits for the murderer to reveal him or herself.
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i got this in the mail
this morning.
Well?
Well, i can tell you
three for nothin'
where this came from.
You mean who sent it?
No, i'd have to
charge you for that.
No, this came from
an ad for a movie
called "meeting at dawn".
The ad is in all
the magazines.
Well, sir?
What?? M i gonna do?
I'm sure i don't know.
But this is not
just the usual junk
from an anonymous
crank, Wolfe,
someone is gonna
try to kill me.
I don'know who,
why, when, or how...
but i want
some protection,
and i want to buy it
from you.
(Archie Goodwin)
I could feel a yawn coming on.
I'd heard Wolfe tell
at least 50 scared people
of all ages
and conditions...
if someone is determined
to kill you,
the fact is that
they will succeed.
We knew ben jensen
from the peter root case.
I'd always thought
jensen would've bought
the military secre
root had tried to sell him,
if he'd been able to figure
out how to use them.
He was a publisher,
a politician,
and, in my opinion, a poop.
That's why i want to
hire your brains.
You might be able
to interest the police,
and, if not,
we can provide a list
of reliable
detective agencies
who can provide
bodyguards.
About him?
Uh, major Goodwin
is unavailable.
He's an officer of
the united states army.
He's not in uniform.
Officers in
military intelligence
on special assignment
have freedoms.
Special assignment.
Yes, he assists me
in various projects
entrusted to me
by the army,
such as the affair
with peter root.
Which resulted
in his court martial
and conviction.
It leaves me little time
for my private business.
What am i gonna do?
I suggest you use
your own brains
go about your business
but with rea
when licking envelopes,
for instance,
examine the mucilage
for signs of tampering.
When opening a door,
stand to one side
and fling it wide
before crossing the sill.
Bear in mind your correspondent
is severely restricted.
By saying,
"i will watch you die,"
erson has to be there
by saying,
when it happens. H you die,"
good god.
No panic is
called for, sir.
How many people, Archie,
have threatened my life
in the past 10 years?
Ah, about 22.
Phooey!
At least a hundred.
And i'm not dead yet,
mr. Jensen, i'm not dead yet.
Jensen pocketed the clipping
and left,
no better off
than when he came,
except for the valuable tips
about licking envelopes.
Cornwall and mayer, if you
decide to hire a bodyguard,
have the best men.
There you are.
That's all right,
come on.
What the devil
are you doing?
I am trying to look
as much like an officer
as possible, sir.
Yes, i have an appointment
in washington
day after tomorrow
with general carpenter.
Oh, indeed.
Yes, i want to take
an ocean voyage.
I have thought of
a crushing remark
to make to a german
and i'd like to use it.
That's nonsense.
Every attempt you've made to
go overseas has been denied.
Yes, i think carpenter
will see my point.
Look, i admit that
you are a great detective,
a champion beer drinker,
and a genius.
But this is a hell of
a way to spend a war.
If carpenter calls,
and you tell him
that you can't do
without me,
well, then i am gonna p
gristle in your crabmeat
and sugar in your beer.
Morning, Fritz!
Whoa!
(sighs)
I've got it.
Archie...
the next morning,
i decided
to join my employer
for breakfast.
Where's Fritz?
Archie?
I knew he couldn't miss
about last night's murder of
a certain familiar publisher.
It turns out ben jensen
paid us a visit
the same day
he stopped a bullet.
(doorbell ringing)
(inspector cramer)
All right, i want all the rats
out of their holes!
Fritz, hortsman...
all of 'em!
And i want the rats
to start talking,
especially the big one
in here!
Jensen came to see you
yesterday
12 hours before
he was murdered.
Not interested,
not involved, not curious.
Why?
Why diu decline
to work for him?
What did he ever
do to you?
Nothing, i don't do
that kind of work,
you know that!
Besides, he said he had no idea
who intended to kill him.
A man who receives
an anonymous threat
is either in no danger
or his danger is so acute
that his position
is hopeless.
Yeah, that's what
he told cornwall you said.
And he now thinks
you passed
because you knew it was
too hot to handle.
Naturally cornwall's bitter,
he just lost his
best man in doyle...
20 years in the game.
Okay, he and jensen
spent the day together.
After dinner,
they went to a meeting.
At 11:20, they arrived at
jensen's apartment building.
Two men dead, and you
gotta get upstairs
to your damn
horticulture?
What about
witnesses?
Stebbins said
there were none.
The two seventh avenue
models who found the bodies
never heard of jensen.
The doorman was
in the basement...
confound it!
Stoking the water heater,
the elevator man
was taking a tenant
to the fourth floor.
And beyond that,
all we got
is the population
of new york city... hey!
And that's why i came
to see you!
For god's sakes,
give me what you got!
You can see i need it!
I repeat, sir.
I am not interested,
not involved,
and not curious.
Now, i would appreciate if
you would leave my bedroom!
With pleasure!
Here, here's an
extra funny paper.
And don't throw out
paper, ever!
That black silk
bed cover of his
can be used for a shroud
when the time comes.
Let me know, i'll come over
and help you sew it up.
This is a violation of
our agreement, Archie.
I suppose so,
but i ran across
something in the mail
i thought
you'd find amusing.
Sure is a coincidence, huh?
The edges are clipped closer
to the words on this one.
Yes, i will deal
with the mail
at 11:00, as usual.
(typing)
You will, of course, postpone
your trip to washington.
Why, because of
that tomfoolery?
No panic is needed.
You intend to go?
Yeah, just don't lick
any envelopes
and bear in mind
your correspondent
is severely restricted as...
when do you leave?
I'm booked on
the 6:00 train.
Oh good, we will have
the day then.
Your notebook.
But, first, a comment
on your jocosity.
When mr. Jensen
showed us thatthing,
we had no inkling
of the character
of the person who sent it.
We no longer enjoy
that ignorance.
I agree, and if you
decide to stay in bed
until i return
from washington,
i won't tell anyone.
Well, that thing
was not sent to you.
True.
Learn the whereabouts
of captain root.
Locate mr. Root...
well, that's easy.
He was put away for
three years in the cooler.
Then call general carpenter
and arrange for him
to be brought here,
as well as any
records of root.
Inform mr. Cramer
of these developments.
And find that
fiancee of his.
Ahh... Jane Geer.
Yes, she raised quite
a ruction about root.
She called me a mongrel
bloodhound, not a good epithet.
A contradiction in terms.
Yeah, i've, ah,
sort of struck up a kind of
acquaintance with her, ah...
yes, excuse me
for interrupting,
but you have a train
to catch, don't you?
Ah, would you like to see
her before i leave?
Well, you have a habit
of knowing how to locate
personable, young
women without delay.
(Archie)
I called cramer,
general carpenter,
and then went in search
of the elusive miss Geer.
It took most of
the afternoon.
It was not my opinion
that this special item
of god's second bounty
for man was guilty
of premeditated
and cold-blooded murder.
She claimed she was
being framed,
but she had a different slant
on the peter root case.
And after Wolfe
is finished,
do you take me down
to the station?
Now, listen, tiger eyes,
do you see me
sneaking up behind you?
I should have known.
You, with so many women, you
have to issue ration coupons,
and yet you find
so much time for me.
Well, you know why.
Do i?
You've got a mirror.
Hmm...
now, i understand
that you have acquired
a slightly different
slant on captain root
since you called mr. Wolfe
a mongrel bloodhound.
I was taken in.
I thought peter was innocent
and being made the goat.
Ah.
But i'm over that...
as you should know.
Unless you're a two-faced,
subhuman pithecanthropus.
Am i?
After my experience
with the charming,
irresistible mr. Root,
i wouldn't marry
a combination
of winston churchill
and victor mature.
I wouldn't
even marry you.
(clears throat)
Oh, i know
you're disappointed.
But i'm going to become the
first female vice-president
of the biggest advertising
agency in the country,
i never will if my name's made
public as a murder suspect.
I see, well,
i'll tell you what,
you shouldn't use
that line on mr. Wolfe.
See, he has a peculiar attitude
toward women in business.
I'll handle Nero Wolfe.
Oh, you will, huh,
you'll handle Nero Wolfe?
Well, hooray for you,
no one else has.
Now, come on, i can't
miss all my trains.
Let's go, drink up.
Good evening, mr. Goodwin.
Good evening, mr. Brenner,
is he in his office?
No, he is in his room.
Excuse me.
I beg your pardon,
i need to see mr. Wolfe.
Well, i'm sorry,
he has an appointment.
I'm emil jensen,
the son of ben jensen,
who was killed last night.
(Archie)
There wasn't much of
a father-son resemblan
but that's nature's lookout...
i'm busy enough as it is.
When i heard about
my fat i got leave.
I'm still rather
disconcerted.
Oh.
Here, let me.
Yeah,
i have miss Geer here... ah, sir,
also, emil jensen just arrived,
son of ben jensen.
I'm engaged
and can see no one.
For how long?
I'm making no appointments
this week, Archie.
I see, but you said...
Archie...
tell them that, please.
Ah, mr. Wolfe
sends his regrets,
but he will be unable
to see you this evening.
After dragging me
up here?
Sir, with all due respect,
my father had a conversation
with mr. Wolfe that
i would like to know about.
That's just the way
it goes.
There's nothing
i can do about it.
Not to mention the fact
i had a whole evening
planned for myself.
And it all changed
for me to be here,
and now look what happens.
Yes, i can see your point,
very much so.
But, you know, all parties
have to agree upon a meeting.
Two out of three
doesn't cut it.
Miss Geer...
i'm sorry about
your troubles,
but it seems hopeless,
at least for this evening...
the three of us had
an extended conversation
that got nowhere,
other than to increase
major jensen and Jane's
inclination to cast
sympathetic glances
at each other.
Perhaps you and i could
join forces on a taxi?
Going down the stoop,
i noticed
she steadied herself
on his unobtrusive arm.
That showed
astonishing progress
as she was by no means
a born clinger.
This is what you were
engaged in?
Mm-hmm.
When's the
next train?
Seven.
But what the hell,
i can put it off a week.
No, i know it's
on your mind.
Ah, my motive is selfish.
If i'm with carpenter
when the word comes
that you've been killed,
i'll never get my transfer.
Confound it, i have no
intention of being killed.
Get out of here.
Your role as mr. Wolfe's
assistant is absolutely vital.
At the pentagon,
general carpenter and i
had a frank discussion regarding
my role in the war effort.
He saw no reason
to change it.
Play ball, son.
Whoreson cur.
That's rather a nice little
epithet, isn't it,
"whoreson cur"?
A bit medieval,
i must admit.
Why did you not listen
to mr. Churchill?
Did he tell me something?
He was warning us that
the germans were rebuilding...
violating versailles.
Ah, oh, well,
versailles, yes.
I've actually heard that
it's a very nice place to live
and probably the reason the
french had that revolution.
Exactly.
Allons, enfants
de la patrie...
reason was
the goddess then.
And then came clausewitz.
And he rules us
all, hmm?
Yes, sir.
(clears throat)
Thank you, sir.
Now that you're here, why not
stay around a few days?
We'll get colonel Rickey
to see if there are
any questions
about mr. Wolfe's
current cases, hmm?
Yes, sir.
(intercom buzzing)
Yes?
Ah, colonel Rickey?
Dickey, sir.
What's that?
Dickey.
My name's not dickey,
i'm general carpenter.
I'm dickey, sir.
Well, of course you are.
Proceed.
Questions.
Yes?
You wanted to know
if we had any questions
about the cases mr. Wolfe
is working on?
Yes, yes.
Ah, if i may, sir,
we were talking about
why it is we didn't
listen to churchill.
Yes, on the treaty of
versailles, indeed, indeed.
As flavius vegetius
renatus once remarked,
mount without delay during
th
no one listened.
No one.
And then they came across
the fields of europe
and took france.
Just like they did
during the great war.
Just like the goth
during the sacking of rome.
And what the dodgers
tend to do to cleveland.
Ha!
Play ball.
Dickey, there's a hard "g"
in that latin name, you know.
It's "veg-etius".
I stand corrected, sir.
Absolutely,
i should think so.
Allow me to
invite in the staff.
Good, proceed.
Thank you, sir.
Questions, gentlemen?
A room full of colonels
putting our heads together
to come up with a question.
I wondered what
Wolfe was doing.
Mr. Root.
Mr. Wolfe.
Ah...
well,
i understand you think
i have been trying
to murder you
from my prison cell.
Ors have
from my prison a long reach. Irat
well...
Jane has broken it off
with me.
I haven't seen her
since the trial.
The phone records
from prison
indicate repeated
calls to ohio.
My mother teaches
first grade in danforth.
She is a very
forgiving person.
She believes
you're innocent.
What about your father?
Well, i wouldn't know.
He abandoned us
10 years ago.
Last i heard, he works
in a war plant in oklahoma.
What about brothers
or sisters?
Anyone who might feel rancor
at the injustice done to you?
No one would
take a subway ride,
much less commit murder
in order to avenge me,
mr. Wolfe.
Hmm.
A patriotic traitor
would have advocates...
ly greedy one
has none.
You have built
your own prison, sir.
Gentlemen, any pearls
of wisdom as y?
(chattering)
When i was in
the great war... ell you,
...that's the price
of freedom.
Questions, indeed.
(phone rings)
Mr. Wolfe's residence.
Ah, Fritz, it's Archie,
where is he?
Well, he's in bed,
he had a hard day.
Doing what?
Ah, never mind.
Do you happen to know if he
readthe startoday?
Oh, he never does,
there's only my copy.
Take a look at page 11,
lower right.
Just a minute.
Page... 11.
Ha ha ha, did you phone
all the way from washington
just to make a joke?
Ah, i don't
feel like joking.
Who did it
make you think of?
Well, it entered my mind
that it's just a
description of Nero Wolfe.
Ah, right, right.
Well, you tell him that
it looks to me... no, no, no.
That'll just,
that'll annoy him, never mind.
Just show it to him,
all right?
And i'll see you
tomorrow night.
At the pentagon,
the room full of colonels
fed me lots
of unnecessary details.
Having finally had the time
to analyze the situation,
i realized that
it turned out to be
a game of
ring-around-the-rosy.
For a minute,
it looked sticky.
But i wouldn't undertake
to report
all the combinations
they tried.
I calculated the odds
at 10-to-one that by morning
no one would remember
i'd been there.
(doorbe
Archie!
Hello there, Fritz.
Good to see you.
Good to see you,
very good to be home.
I see he's up
working late.
Fritz, i am
officially a.w.o. L...
a-w-o...
oh...
you must be
Archie godwin.
Goodwin.
Bring me another highball,
would you, Fritz?
Did you have
a good trip, Archie?
Interesting reading?
Peter root's
prison records.
Ah.
Are you going
to europe?
Am i going to europe?
You know damn well i'm not.
Did you stop in the office
on the way up?
Yes, and until he asked
Fritz for a highball,
i thought i was
talking to you.
Shut up.
No, the resemblance between
the two of you is remark.
You paying him
out of petty cash?
Social secur...
shut up.
His name is hackett.
He's a retired architect with
the manners of a wart hog.
Oh.
However, his appearance
is suitable,
and he is such
an unsurpassed nincompoop
he'll risk his life
for a hundred dollars a day.
If he keeps on
calling me "Archie",
i'll show you risk.
I don't know, why don't
you just stay put
until the bird that
killed jensen is caught?
By whom?
Mr. Cramer?
He's wasting the money
of the people of new york
to prove emil jensen
did it.
Jensen?
Jensen just
got back from europe.
Yes, and discovered that his
father had filed for divorce.
That he has no motive
for killing me,
mr. Cramer put a hundred men
on his trail.
It's intolerable asininity.
And i sit here,
handicapped!
The men i trust are all off
to war, except you.
And you bounce...
(Archie)
He was piling it on.
I knew better than to contribute
a note of skepticism
when he was in one
of his romantic moods,
having been fired
for that once.
...i am taking the
only way open to me.
The killer is bold to
the point of rashness now.
And he can be tempted,
which is why
i want you to take mr. Hackett
around town tomorrow,
wearing my coat and
my hat and using my cane.
Doing something like that
might get someone killed.
Yes... perhaps mr. Cramer
has a man who resembles you
and is alert
and resourceful.
If an at hackett's life
leaves us as empty-handed
as we are now.
No, no, yeah,
i'll do it, i'll do it.
Yes, cramer may be
able to find
someone as
resourceful as me,
but i doubt if he'll find
someone as...
well, you know, handsome.
Meant no offense.
Well, you know, handsome.
Ah, none taken, no, no.
But clearly you're under
a strain, i see.
Yes, ah, it's very evident.
You know, hackett's life
in jeopardy,
it's made you nervous.
(crunching)
(chuckles, sighs)
What are you eating?
Ginger snaps.
Ginger snaps, oh,
i didn't know we had any.
We didn't.
Fritz didn't seem
to know what they were.
So i walked over to ninth
avenue and got some, heh.
When did you do that?
Just a little
while ago.
Oh.
(phone ringing)
Archie!
This is the second time this
week you have interrupted.
I don't care.
He is eating
ginger snaps.
What did you say?
Eating ginger snaps,
making crumbs in your chair.
Get him
out of the house!
Mr. Hackett.
A little walk. I are gonna go for
well...
$100 is a large reward
for a small effort, and, um,
i understand that someone
may mistake me for Wolfe
and try to kill me, but,
if it's more
complicated than that,
if the intention is
for you to shoot me
and say Wolfe is dead,
i, i'd like to say
very emphatically
that that would not
be fair.
(laughing nervously)
Confidentially,
Archie, i,
i don't expect
anything to happen.
I'm sanguine by nature, heh.
Yes, well, i'm, uh, sanguine
by nature, too, mr. Hackett.
Come on,
let's go for a walk.
(hackett)
Ah, now, that's what
i like...
n with
tiny, little checks.
No, you prefer yellow.
Yellow?
Yes.
Like the sun, the spring sun,
which makes things green.
No, i don't think so.
Mr. Wolfe...
(clears throat)
You wear yellow shirts.
Yellow?
Yellow.
Well, this is really
quite exciting.
I didn't realize
accepting this position
i'd gain a whole new
wardrobe.
Could we stop at
the art gallery next?
Ah.
They tried to get him from
the top of the palisades
with a howitzer,
but they missed.
Other than that,
it all went fine.
Satisfactory.
Call miss Geer
and say i would like
to see her
this evening at 6:00.
I doubt she'll come.
Use your powers
of persuasion.
She has not
seen me before.
It will be a good opportunity
to test hackett.
When you seat her, seat her
at the far end of the desk.
I would like to observe
her through the hole.
Then, she's on your list?
It will give her a chance
to kill mr. Hackett.
Very efficient.
Admirable.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
Jane arrived at six sharp,
with a military escort.
Well, two on one hook.
We were having cocktails
and major jensen decided
to come along on
the spur of the moment.
I hope you
don't mind.
Well, you could just
wait in the front room.
I have to
check on Wolfe.
All right.
Oh, here we are.
With hackett primed
only for Jane,
we'd be pushing our luck to
confront him with emil, too.
I needed new orders
from headquarters.
She brought an outrider,
a major jensen.
I put them in the front room,
but the connecting door
to the office is
slightly open,
so hackett could be seen.
Confound it!
Go to the front room
by way of the office
and close the door...
(gunshot)
(emil)
Who fired that shot?
Did you fire a gun?
No, did you?
Did you?
You idiot, why would i
fire a gun?
Ne
you idiot, why would i
fireyou're holding. E o
now, if you don't mind,
i'd like you to search me.
Atta boy.
Oh my god.
I offer
no apologies.
Ah, you're fine.
Now, we're gonna go in to
mr. Wolfe and discuss this.
Well, i'm not going, i'm not
walking into some frame-up.
Miss Geer, major
mr. Wolfe.
Uh, mr. Wolfe
is bleeding.
Fritz!
Which one was it,
mr. Wolfe?
Which one was what?
Who shot you?
I don't know, i must have...
dozed off.
It's been a big day.
Fritz, if either of them so much
reaches for a handkerchief,
shoot them.
Excuse me,
those instructions
are dangerous,
he could...
he's fine, it's okay.
My head.
Is it my head?
No, no, it's just a little
nick on your ear.
I'm, i'm not hurt?
Let's go wash it off.
Fritz, they're clean,
i've checked.
But if one of them
tries to exit, plug 'em.
It seems incredible to me
that one of them could
shoot me from the front room
without me seeing anything.
Now, see here, if you think
Wolfe shot you or i shot you,
then you have fleas in your
brain that need attending to.
Now, just hurry back,
do not try to help me,
and just look wise.
And, if everything
goes as it should,
there's an extra hundred
in there for you.
200... i was shot at.
Ah!
(chiseling)
Bullet.
Ah, mr. Wolfe, this is
what nearly killed you.
Now, the way it
passed through your ear
and into this wall,
right into the plaster,
certainly indicates that
it must've come from
that front room.
You've ruined my wall!
I can't abide
patched plaster.
Mr. Wolfe could've fired
that bullet himself.
Why don't you inspect his
face for powder marks?
He just washed them off.
They don't wash off.
Here you go.
No powder.
Still, wrapped
in a towel...
i'll tell you what,
i'll give you a gun,
you try it, aiming
one inch from your temple.
I would suggest...
that i find the, uh,
the gun, yes.
I was just on my way
to do that very thing.
If you're gonna
examine that room...
ah, sit down, brother.
Don't forget whose
house this is.
Remember, Fritz,
one false move...
shoot him in the knee.
Yours?
No.
Good.
This is an old veteran,
it's a granville.38, uh...
pretty nice, huh?
Somewhat recently fired.
(Jane)
You unspeakable rat!
This is a frame.
The dirtiest frame-up
in history.
I want my lawyer, in fact,
that's where i'm going,
and you can't stop me.
Huh!
Well, now i know you
framed peter root,
and i let this skunk
talk me out of it.
I will not tolerate this.
You come here, and
you try to kill me.
You nearly do kill me.
Then, you abuse me
about a peter root.
I've never heard of
this fellow peter root!
This fellow?
I'm not listening at all.
How do you do?
I am Nero Wolfe.
If you don't mind, sir,
remove yourself from my chair.
All right, all right...
who the hell
are you?
I have introduced
myself, sir.
That gentleman is a
temporary employee.
When my life was threatened,
i hired him to impersonate me.
You may go to
the kitchen, sir.
Fritz, take him.
Fat coward.
I hired this man,
not out of cowardice,
but conceit.
I am insufferably conceited...
should i be killed,
i doubted that the murderer
would ever be caught.
Should anothlace,
i would still be alive to
attend to the matter myself.
You said you were going
to say something,
you haven't said
anything yet.
What i wish
to say is this:
It is demonstrable
that the shot came
from the direction
of that door
to the front room.
Do you both assert that, at the
instance you heard the shot,
you were together?
Yes.
Yes.
Get inspector cramer
on the phone, Archie.
Ght,
get inspector cramer
on the phone, this is a frame-up.
It seems to me that
calling the police in
is a dirty trick of yours.
May i ask, miss Geer,
how long have you
been acquainted
with major jensen?
Two days.
I met him here.
Is that accurate, major?
Entirely.
Inspector cramer, please.
Not long enough to
form an attachment
warranting any of the costlier
forms of sacrifice?
What?
Your mutual assertion that
you were together
when the shot was fired is
a blessing for the one
who fired the gun.
But when the truth comes out...
and i assure you, it will...
for the other,
it will mean disaster.
Ah, inspector cramer
on the line.
Ah, inspector cramer
on the line. Cramer.
Yeah, what?
Yes, i have a bullet and the
gun which recently fired it.
I want the bullet
compared to the bullets
which killed
jensen and doyle.
And nothing you can say
is gonna stop me.
Do you wanna stay
and talk to mr. Wolfe,
(sighs)
Just as i thought, you'll stay
and talk to mr. Wolfe.
Right this way.
Uh, major jensen.
Hmm?
Oh.
(Archie)
Cramer had a man
at our door in 10 minutes
and carried off
the evidence.
Wolfe proceeded
without him.
Miss Geer, where were you
when the shot was fired?
We were both over there.
And then, i remember, i went
toward the window to freshen up.
I heard the shot and turned.
Emil was hurrying toward
the hallway, calling,
"who fired that shot?"
Do you concur, major?
Yes, we were just
where Jane said.
She turned to
open her purse,
and i took a few steps off
to give her some privacy.
I heard the shot, but with
all the doorways and halls,
i couldn't locate it,
so, i called out,
"who fired that shot?"
After Wolfe was done
with his questions,
we spent two tiresome hours
waiting for the results
on the bullet and the gun,
during which time i got
a kick out of watching
Wolfe's poison
work on jensen and Jane.
The one who hadn't
fired the gun
was suspicious of
the one who had.
The one who had fired
the gun acted suspicious
of the one who hadn't.
From the looks they were
giving each other,
they were not friends.
The only good way to get a
suspicion out of your mind
is to get
something else in.
But i couldn't stop
being curious.
Phooey!
Look at this.
Oh, a search warrant, huh?
I'm surprised you two
are still alive.
What's it for?
The entire premises.
You sent me the gun that
killed jensen and doyle.
That's the gun, and
you sent it to me.
Now i want the murderer.
Is he here?
I'm searching
the house, Wolfe,
and i'm not begging you...
i've begged you before.
The acceptance
of your salary
is a fraud upon the people
of new york.
Start searching.
If you do you'll never
catch the murderer.
Oh, i won't, huh?
Why?
Because i already have.
The hell you have.
Now, your report on
the gun settles it.
But you're not
equipped to handle it.
Tear that up!
I know you, Wolfe,
god, i know you.
But i'm willing to, uh,
talk before i execute it.
No, sir, i will not
submit to duress.
Either tear it up,
or proceed with it,
and i will speak to
the district attorney
about why the murderer
got away.
Confound it!
Don't you ever waste
your time like that again!
Do you understand me?
Or mine!
Now, who did it?
I don't know.
You just said you did!
No, i said i caught
the one who did.
And i have.
The murderer
is in the house.
He's not your client,
is he?
There is a man and there is
a woman in the front room.
Now, granting one of them
is the murderer,
i suggest you inspect
the crime scene.
Now, why didn't i
think of that?
Inspector cramer and
sergeant stebbins
proceeded to investigate.
They measured distances,
computed angles,
extrapolated trajectories
and debated long division.
(Wolfe)
Fritz.
Yes, sir?
Where is the
other cushion?
What other...
there are three cushions
on that couch.
Did you remove one?
No, sir, there
were three here
yesterday when
i cleaned up.
I want you to find it.
Archie, help him.
I want to know if that
cushion is in this room.
(cramer)
Do you think it's a
straight trajectory?
What's the matter
with him?
(stebbins)
This is a police
investigation.
Ah!
Archie, get everyone
out of my office at once.
Archie, find out
if anyone has fired
any of your weapons
recently.
Yes.
This one, very recently.
Tchah!
Assemble everyone,
in the office.
Everyone?
Everyone!
Archie, i appreciate
being asked,
but i've had quite
enough for one day.
I've just been shot at!
Okay, okay, yes.
I have no desire to go
back into that room
with a murderer.
I just want to get paid
and go home.
Yes, yes, okay.
Now, listen.
When i am asked to
fill an order, i do so.
Now, mr. Wolfe has asked me to
assemble everybody out there,
so, come on.
No! L...
(hackett)
You... can't do this!
Get in here!
He was a little reluctant.
Your murderer,
inspector.
What?
I found this...
in his pocket.
Yes, you will want to
check that for blood.
Whose?
Ah, it's a farce,
inspector, low comedy.
No, uh-uh,
i know this guy.
Let me introduce
mr. Thomas root,
father of the imprisoned
captain peter root.
One more day...
one more day.
Yes, no doubt, sir,
one more day.
One more day, and
i'd have been killed,
with suspicion centered on
miss Geer or major jensen
because of your flummery.
Unfortunately for your plan,
i became interested,
involved...
and curious.
I am the father
of a wronged man,
a wrong that needed
to be set right.
Peter said he never
knew his father.
His telephone records
say otherwise.
Vengeance should
have been mine.
Wait a minute...
all you've got is
this scout knife.
And how does he fire a gun
from in there
and beat it
back to your desk?
With my cushion.
Knowing miss Geer
was coming,
mr. Root waited for a moment
when he was alone.
With the cushion
to muffle the gun,
which he wrapped
in a handkerchief
to prevent fingerprints
or powder residue.
He embedded a bullet
in the wall...
stashed the pillow
in the desk
and planted the gun
in the vase.
When miss Geer and
major jensen arrived,
root got a gun from
mr. Goodwin's desk
and fired through the pillow
in the drawer.
(gunshot)
Undoubtedly, we will find
that bullet torn into my floor.
And when mr. Goodwin went to
the front room,
root returned
the gun to Archie's desk
then used the knife
to cut his ear.
Hey, wait a minute,
hold it.
You can't prove that.
How can you prove that?
I don't have to.
The court's just gonna
take your word for it?
Much as i would like to
see him punished
for threatening my life,
it will be easier to
convict and execute him
of jensen and doyle. Murders
that's where i've
seen him before...
the doorman!
Remember, inspector,
i told you,
the fat nitwit
who was just hired.
And he quit his job
the day after the murder.
You shaved your beard,
heh-heh!
You'll pay for this, Wolfe.
A father has rights
beyond the law!
Sit down!
I invite comment,
anything from irony to
derision
to the fact
that i paid $100 a day
to let live in my house,
eat my food
and sit in my chair a man
who was resolved to kill me.
I wish you would takese, mr. Cra
mer,
i've seen enough of him.
Yeah, can't say
as i blame you.
Get him out of here!
Come on, tommy root,
let's go.
You got him?
I got him.
I got you.
Thatwas absolutely
brilliant!
It was merely a job.
It was man apology, mr. Wolfe.
You were not
my client, sir.
No, no,
for my father.
Well, in
that case...
wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"in that case," right?
When your father came to him
and told him
somebody was
trying to kill him,
he said he could do
nothing for him.
And that's exactly
what he did: Nothing!
So, legally, you don't
owe him a thing.
Ah.
Emil.
Well, thank you
very much, inspector.
Well, you're welcome,
major stay-at-home.
You know, Wolfe,
you weren't interested,
and you certainly
weren't involved,
and you
definitely weren't...
you weren't concerned!
Curious.
Same thing!
(door slams)
Captioning made possible by
a&e television networks
a&e television networks
i got this in the mail
this morning.
Well?
Well, i can tell you
three for nothin'
where this came from.
You mean who sent it?
No, i'd have to
charge you for that.
No, this came from
an ad for a movie
called "meeting at dawn".
The ad is in all
the magazines.
Well, sir?
What?? M i gonna do?
I'm sure i don't know.
But this is not
just the usual junk
from an anonymous
crank, Wolfe,
someone is gonna
try to kill me.
I don'know who,
why, when, or how...
but i want
some protection,
and i want to buy it
from you.
(Archie Goodwin)
I could feel a yawn coming on.
I'd heard Wolfe tell
at least 50 scared people
of all ages
and conditions...
if someone is determined
to kill you,
the fact is that
they will succeed.
We knew ben jensen
from the peter root case.
I'd always thought
jensen would've bought
the military secre
root had tried to sell him,
if he'd been able to figure
out how to use them.
He was a publisher,
a politician,
and, in my opinion, a poop.
That's why i want to
hire your brains.
You might be able
to interest the police,
and, if not,
we can provide a list
of reliable
detective agencies
who can provide
bodyguards.
About him?
Uh, major Goodwin
is unavailable.
He's an officer of
the united states army.
He's not in uniform.
Officers in
military intelligence
on special assignment
have freedoms.
Special assignment.
Yes, he assists me
in various projects
entrusted to me
by the army,
such as the affair
with peter root.
Which resulted
in his court martial
and conviction.
It leaves me little time
for my private business.
What am i gonna do?
I suggest you use
your own brains
go about your business
but with rea
when licking envelopes,
for instance,
examine the mucilage
for signs of tampering.
When opening a door,
stand to one side
and fling it wide
before crossing the sill.
Bear in mind your correspondent
is severely restricted.
By saying,
"i will watch you die,"
erson has to be there
by saying,
when it happens. H you die,"
good god.
No panic is
called for, sir.
How many people, Archie,
have threatened my life
in the past 10 years?
Ah, about 22.
Phooey!
At least a hundred.
And i'm not dead yet,
mr. Jensen, i'm not dead yet.
Jensen pocketed the clipping
and left,
no better off
than when he came,
except for the valuable tips
about licking envelopes.
Cornwall and mayer, if you
decide to hire a bodyguard,
have the best men.
There you are.
That's all right,
come on.
What the devil
are you doing?
I am trying to look
as much like an officer
as possible, sir.
Yes, i have an appointment
in washington
day after tomorrow
with general carpenter.
Oh, indeed.
Yes, i want to take
an ocean voyage.
I have thought of
a crushing remark
to make to a german
and i'd like to use it.
That's nonsense.
Every attempt you've made to
go overseas has been denied.
Yes, i think carpenter
will see my point.
Look, i admit that
you are a great detective,
a champion beer drinker,
and a genius.
But this is a hell of
a way to spend a war.
If carpenter calls,
and you tell him
that you can't do
without me,
well, then i am gonna p
gristle in your crabmeat
and sugar in your beer.
Morning, Fritz!
Whoa!
(sighs)
I've got it.
Archie...
the next morning,
i decided
to join my employer
for breakfast.
Where's Fritz?
Archie?
I knew he couldn't miss
about last night's murder of
a certain familiar publisher.
It turns out ben jensen
paid us a visit
the same day
he stopped a bullet.
(doorbell ringing)
(inspector cramer)
All right, i want all the rats
out of their holes!
Fritz, hortsman...
all of 'em!
And i want the rats
to start talking,
especially the big one
in here!
Jensen came to see you
yesterday
12 hours before
he was murdered.
Not interested,
not involved, not curious.
Why?
Why diu decline
to work for him?
What did he ever
do to you?
Nothing, i don't do
that kind of work,
you know that!
Besides, he said he had no idea
who intended to kill him.
A man who receives
an anonymous threat
is either in no danger
or his danger is so acute
that his position
is hopeless.
Yeah, that's what
he told cornwall you said.
And he now thinks
you passed
because you knew it was
too hot to handle.
Naturally cornwall's bitter,
he just lost his
best man in doyle...
20 years in the game.
Okay, he and jensen
spent the day together.
After dinner,
they went to a meeting.
At 11:20, they arrived at
jensen's apartment building.
Two men dead, and you
gotta get upstairs
to your damn
horticulture?
What about
witnesses?
Stebbins said
there were none.
The two seventh avenue
models who found the bodies
never heard of jensen.
The doorman was
in the basement...
confound it!
Stoking the water heater,
the elevator man
was taking a tenant
to the fourth floor.
And beyond that,
all we got
is the population
of new york city... hey!
And that's why i came
to see you!
For god's sakes,
give me what you got!
You can see i need it!
I repeat, sir.
I am not interested,
not involved,
and not curious.
Now, i would appreciate if
you would leave my bedroom!
With pleasure!
Here, here's an
extra funny paper.
And don't throw out
paper, ever!
That black silk
bed cover of his
can be used for a shroud
when the time comes.
Let me know, i'll come over
and help you sew it up.
This is a violation of
our agreement, Archie.
I suppose so,
but i ran across
something in the mail
i thought
you'd find amusing.
Sure is a coincidence, huh?
The edges are clipped closer
to the words on this one.
Yes, i will deal
with the mail
at 11:00, as usual.
(typing)
You will, of course, postpone
your trip to washington.
Why, because of
that tomfoolery?
No panic is needed.
You intend to go?
Yeah, just don't lick
any envelopes
and bear in mind
your correspondent
is severely restricted as...
when do you leave?
I'm booked on
the 6:00 train.
Oh good, we will have
the day then.
Your notebook.
But, first, a comment
on your jocosity.
When mr. Jensen
showed us thatthing,
we had no inkling
of the character
of the person who sent it.
We no longer enjoy
that ignorance.
I agree, and if you
decide to stay in bed
until i return
from washington,
i won't tell anyone.
Well, that thing
was not sent to you.
True.
Learn the whereabouts
of captain root.
Locate mr. Root...
well, that's easy.
He was put away for
three years in the cooler.
Then call general carpenter
and arrange for him
to be brought here,
as well as any
records of root.
Inform mr. Cramer
of these developments.
And find that
fiancee of his.
Ahh... Jane Geer.
Yes, she raised quite
a ruction about root.
She called me a mongrel
bloodhound, not a good epithet.
A contradiction in terms.
Yeah, i've, ah,
sort of struck up a kind of
acquaintance with her, ah...
yes, excuse me
for interrupting,
but you have a train
to catch, don't you?
Ah, would you like to see
her before i leave?
Well, you have a habit
of knowing how to locate
personable, young
women without delay.
(Archie)
I called cramer,
general carpenter,
and then went in search
of the elusive miss Geer.
It took most of
the afternoon.
It was not my opinion
that this special item
of god's second bounty
for man was guilty
of premeditated
and cold-blooded murder.
She claimed she was
being framed,
but she had a different slant
on the peter root case.
And after Wolfe
is finished,
do you take me down
to the station?
Now, listen, tiger eyes,
do you see me
sneaking up behind you?
I should have known.
You, with so many women, you
have to issue ration coupons,
and yet you find
so much time for me.
Well, you know why.
Do i?
You've got a mirror.
Hmm...
now, i understand
that you have acquired
a slightly different
slant on captain root
since you called mr. Wolfe
a mongrel bloodhound.
I was taken in.
I thought peter was innocent
and being made the goat.
Ah.
But i'm over that...
as you should know.
Unless you're a two-faced,
subhuman pithecanthropus.
Am i?
After my experience
with the charming,
irresistible mr. Root,
i wouldn't marry
a combination
of winston churchill
and victor mature.
I wouldn't
even marry you.
(clears throat)
Oh, i know
you're disappointed.
But i'm going to become the
first female vice-president
of the biggest advertising
agency in the country,
i never will if my name's made
public as a murder suspect.
I see, well,
i'll tell you what,
you shouldn't use
that line on mr. Wolfe.
See, he has a peculiar attitude
toward women in business.
I'll handle Nero Wolfe.
Oh, you will, huh,
you'll handle Nero Wolfe?
Well, hooray for you,
no one else has.
Now, come on, i can't
miss all my trains.
Let's go, drink up.
Good evening, mr. Goodwin.
Good evening, mr. Brenner,
is he in his office?
No, he is in his room.
Excuse me.
I beg your pardon,
i need to see mr. Wolfe.
Well, i'm sorry,
he has an appointment.
I'm emil jensen,
the son of ben jensen,
who was killed last night.
(Archie)
There wasn't much of
a father-son resemblan
but that's nature's lookout...
i'm busy enough as it is.
When i heard about
my fat i got leave.
I'm still rather
disconcerted.
Oh.
Here, let me.
Yeah,
i have miss Geer here... ah, sir,
also, emil jensen just arrived,
son of ben jensen.
I'm engaged
and can see no one.
For how long?
I'm making no appointments
this week, Archie.
I see, but you said...
Archie...
tell them that, please.
Ah, mr. Wolfe
sends his regrets,
but he will be unable
to see you this evening.
After dragging me
up here?
Sir, with all due respect,
my father had a conversation
with mr. Wolfe that
i would like to know about.
That's just the way
it goes.
There's nothing
i can do about it.
Not to mention the fact
i had a whole evening
planned for myself.
And it all changed
for me to be here,
and now look what happens.
Yes, i can see your point,
very much so.
But, you know, all parties
have to agree upon a meeting.
Two out of three
doesn't cut it.
Miss Geer...
i'm sorry about
your troubles,
but it seems hopeless,
at least for this evening...
the three of us had
an extended conversation
that got nowhere,
other than to increase
major jensen and Jane's
inclination to cast
sympathetic glances
at each other.
Perhaps you and i could
join forces on a taxi?
Going down the stoop,
i noticed
she steadied herself
on his unobtrusive arm.
That showed
astonishing progress
as she was by no means
a born clinger.
This is what you were
engaged in?
Mm-hmm.
When's the
next train?
Seven.
But what the hell,
i can put it off a week.
No, i know it's
on your mind.
Ah, my motive is selfish.
If i'm with carpenter
when the word comes
that you've been killed,
i'll never get my transfer.
Confound it, i have no
intention of being killed.
Get out of here.
Your role as mr. Wolfe's
assistant is absolutely vital.
At the pentagon,
general carpenter and i
had a frank discussion regarding
my role in the war effort.
He saw no reason
to change it.
Play ball, son.
Whoreson cur.
That's rather a nice little
epithet, isn't it,
"whoreson cur"?
A bit medieval,
i must admit.
Why did you not listen
to mr. Churchill?
Did he tell me something?
He was warning us that
the germans were rebuilding...
violating versailles.
Ah, oh, well,
versailles, yes.
I've actually heard that
it's a very nice place to live
and probably the reason the
french had that revolution.
Exactly.
Allons, enfants
de la patrie...
reason was
the goddess then.
And then came clausewitz.
And he rules us
all, hmm?
Yes, sir.
(clears throat)
Thank you, sir.
Now that you're here, why not
stay around a few days?
We'll get colonel Rickey
to see if there are
any questions
about mr. Wolfe's
current cases, hmm?
Yes, sir.
(intercom buzzing)
Yes?
Ah, colonel Rickey?
Dickey, sir.
What's that?
Dickey.
My name's not dickey,
i'm general carpenter.
I'm dickey, sir.
Well, of course you are.
Proceed.
Questions.
Yes?
You wanted to know
if we had any questions
about the cases mr. Wolfe
is working on?
Yes, yes.
Ah, if i may, sir,
we were talking about
why it is we didn't
listen to churchill.
Yes, on the treaty of
versailles, indeed, indeed.
As flavius vegetius
renatus once remarked,
mount without delay during
th
no one listened.
No one.
And then they came across
the fields of europe
and took france.
Just like they did
during the great war.
Just like the goth
during the sacking of rome.
And what the dodgers
tend to do to cleveland.
Ha!
Play ball.
Dickey, there's a hard "g"
in that latin name, you know.
It's "veg-etius".
I stand corrected, sir.
Absolutely,
i should think so.
Allow me to
invite in the staff.
Good, proceed.
Thank you, sir.
Questions, gentlemen?
A room full of colonels
putting our heads together
to come up with a question.
I wondered what
Wolfe was doing.
Mr. Root.
Mr. Wolfe.
Ah...
well,
i understand you think
i have been trying
to murder you
from my prison cell.
Ors have
from my prison a long reach. Irat
well...
Jane has broken it off
with me.
I haven't seen her
since the trial.
The phone records
from prison
indicate repeated
calls to ohio.
My mother teaches
first grade in danforth.
She is a very
forgiving person.
She believes
you're innocent.
What about your father?
Well, i wouldn't know.
He abandoned us
10 years ago.
Last i heard, he works
in a war plant in oklahoma.
What about brothers
or sisters?
Anyone who might feel rancor
at the injustice done to you?
No one would
take a subway ride,
much less commit murder
in order to avenge me,
mr. Wolfe.
Hmm.
A patriotic traitor
would have advocates...
ly greedy one
has none.
You have built
your own prison, sir.
Gentlemen, any pearls
of wisdom as y?
(chattering)
When i was in
the great war... ell you,
...that's the price
of freedom.
Questions, indeed.
(phone rings)
Mr. Wolfe's residence.
Ah, Fritz, it's Archie,
where is he?
Well, he's in bed,
he had a hard day.
Doing what?
Ah, never mind.
Do you happen to know if he
readthe startoday?
Oh, he never does,
there's only my copy.
Take a look at page 11,
lower right.
Just a minute.
Page... 11.
Ha ha ha, did you phone
all the way from washington
just to make a joke?
Ah, i don't
feel like joking.
Who did it
make you think of?
Well, it entered my mind
that it's just a
description of Nero Wolfe.
Ah, right, right.
Well, you tell him that
it looks to me... no, no, no.
That'll just,
that'll annoy him, never mind.
Just show it to him,
all right?
And i'll see you
tomorrow night.
At the pentagon,
the room full of colonels
fed me lots
of unnecessary details.
Having finally had the time
to analyze the situation,
i realized that
it turned out to be
a game of
ring-around-the-rosy.
For a minute,
it looked sticky.
But i wouldn't undertake
to report
all the combinations
they tried.
I calculated the odds
at 10-to-one that by morning
no one would remember
i'd been there.
(doorbe
Archie!
Hello there, Fritz.
Good to see you.
Good to see you,
very good to be home.
I see he's up
working late.
Fritz, i am
officially a.w.o. L...
a-w-o...
oh...
you must be
Archie godwin.
Goodwin.
Bring me another highball,
would you, Fritz?
Did you have
a good trip, Archie?
Interesting reading?
Peter root's
prison records.
Ah.
Are you going
to europe?
Am i going to europe?
You know damn well i'm not.
Did you stop in the office
on the way up?
Yes, and until he asked
Fritz for a highball,
i thought i was
talking to you.
Shut up.
No, the resemblance between
the two of you is remark.
You paying him
out of petty cash?
Social secur...
shut up.
His name is hackett.
He's a retired architect with
the manners of a wart hog.
Oh.
However, his appearance
is suitable,
and he is such
an unsurpassed nincompoop
he'll risk his life
for a hundred dollars a day.
If he keeps on
calling me "Archie",
i'll show you risk.
I don't know, why don't
you just stay put
until the bird that
killed jensen is caught?
By whom?
Mr. Cramer?
He's wasting the money
of the people of new york
to prove emil jensen
did it.
Jensen?
Jensen just
got back from europe.
Yes, and discovered that his
father had filed for divorce.
That he has no motive
for killing me,
mr. Cramer put a hundred men
on his trail.
It's intolerable asininity.
And i sit here,
handicapped!
The men i trust are all off
to war, except you.
And you bounce...
(Archie)
He was piling it on.
I knew better than to contribute
a note of skepticism
when he was in one
of his romantic moods,
having been fired
for that once.
...i am taking the
only way open to me.
The killer is bold to
the point of rashness now.
And he can be tempted,
which is why
i want you to take mr. Hackett
around town tomorrow,
wearing my coat and
my hat and using my cane.
Doing something like that
might get someone killed.
Yes... perhaps mr. Cramer
has a man who resembles you
and is alert
and resourceful.
If an at hackett's life
leaves us as empty-handed
as we are now.
No, no, yeah,
i'll do it, i'll do it.
Yes, cramer may be
able to find
someone as
resourceful as me,
but i doubt if he'll find
someone as...
well, you know, handsome.
Meant no offense.
Well, you know, handsome.
Ah, none taken, no, no.
But clearly you're under
a strain, i see.
Yes, ah, it's very evident.
You know, hackett's life
in jeopardy,
it's made you nervous.
(crunching)
(chuckles, sighs)
What are you eating?
Ginger snaps.
Ginger snaps, oh,
i didn't know we had any.
We didn't.
Fritz didn't seem
to know what they were.
So i walked over to ninth
avenue and got some, heh.
When did you do that?
Just a little
while ago.
Oh.
(phone ringing)
Archie!
This is the second time this
week you have interrupted.
I don't care.
He is eating
ginger snaps.
What did you say?
Eating ginger snaps,
making crumbs in your chair.
Get him
out of the house!
Mr. Hackett.
A little walk. I are gonna go for
well...
$100 is a large reward
for a small effort, and, um,
i understand that someone
may mistake me for Wolfe
and try to kill me, but,
if it's more
complicated than that,
if the intention is
for you to shoot me
and say Wolfe is dead,
i, i'd like to say
very emphatically
that that would not
be fair.
(laughing nervously)
Confidentially,
Archie, i,
i don't expect
anything to happen.
I'm sanguine by nature, heh.
Yes, well, i'm, uh, sanguine
by nature, too, mr. Hackett.
Come on,
let's go for a walk.
(hackett)
Ah, now, that's what
i like...
n with
tiny, little checks.
No, you prefer yellow.
Yellow?
Yes.
Like the sun, the spring sun,
which makes things green.
No, i don't think so.
Mr. Wolfe...
(clears throat)
You wear yellow shirts.
Yellow?
Yellow.
Well, this is really
quite exciting.
I didn't realize
accepting this position
i'd gain a whole new
wardrobe.
Could we stop at
the art gallery next?
Ah.
They tried to get him from
the top of the palisades
with a howitzer,
but they missed.
Other than that,
it all went fine.
Satisfactory.
Call miss Geer
and say i would like
to see her
this evening at 6:00.
I doubt she'll come.
Use your powers
of persuasion.
She has not
seen me before.
It will be a good opportunity
to test hackett.
When you seat her, seat her
at the far end of the desk.
I would like to observe
her through the hole.
Then, she's on your list?
It will give her a chance
to kill mr. Hackett.
Very efficient.
Admirable.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
Jane arrived at six sharp,
with a military escort.
Well, two on one hook.
We were having cocktails
and major jensen decided
to come along on
the spur of the moment.
I hope you
don't mind.
Well, you could just
wait in the front room.
I have to
check on Wolfe.
All right.
Oh, here we are.
With hackett primed
only for Jane,
we'd be pushing our luck to
confront him with emil, too.
I needed new orders
from headquarters.
She brought an outrider,
a major jensen.
I put them in the front room,
but the connecting door
to the office is
slightly open,
so hackett could be seen.
Confound it!
Go to the front room
by way of the office
and close the door...
(gunshot)
(emil)
Who fired that shot?
Did you fire a gun?
No, did you?
Did you?
You idiot, why would i
fire a gun?
Ne
you idiot, why would i
fireyou're holding. E o
now, if you don't mind,
i'd like you to search me.
Atta boy.
Oh my god.
I offer
no apologies.
Ah, you're fine.
Now, we're gonna go in to
mr. Wolfe and discuss this.
Well, i'm not going, i'm not
walking into some frame-up.
Miss Geer, major
mr. Wolfe.
Uh, mr. Wolfe
is bleeding.
Fritz!
Which one was it,
mr. Wolfe?
Which one was what?
Who shot you?
I don't know, i must have...
dozed off.
It's been a big day.
Fritz, if either of them so much
reaches for a handkerchief,
shoot them.
Excuse me,
those instructions
are dangerous,
he could...
he's fine, it's okay.
My head.
Is it my head?
No, no, it's just a little
nick on your ear.
I'm, i'm not hurt?
Let's go wash it off.
Fritz, they're clean,
i've checked.
But if one of them
tries to exit, plug 'em.
It seems incredible to me
that one of them could
shoot me from the front room
without me seeing anything.
Now, see here, if you think
Wolfe shot you or i shot you,
then you have fleas in your
brain that need attending to.
Now, just hurry back,
do not try to help me,
and just look wise.
And, if everything
goes as it should,
there's an extra hundred
in there for you.
200... i was shot at.
Ah!
(chiseling)
Bullet.
Ah, mr. Wolfe, this is
what nearly killed you.
Now, the way it
passed through your ear
and into this wall,
right into the plaster,
certainly indicates that
it must've come from
that front room.
You've ruined my wall!
I can't abide
patched plaster.
Mr. Wolfe could've fired
that bullet himself.
Why don't you inspect his
face for powder marks?
He just washed them off.
They don't wash off.
Here you go.
No powder.
Still, wrapped
in a towel...
i'll tell you what,
i'll give you a gun,
you try it, aiming
one inch from your temple.
I would suggest...
that i find the, uh,
the gun, yes.
I was just on my way
to do that very thing.
If you're gonna
examine that room...
ah, sit down, brother.
Don't forget whose
house this is.
Remember, Fritz,
one false move...
shoot him in the knee.
Yours?
No.
Good.
This is an old veteran,
it's a granville.38, uh...
pretty nice, huh?
Somewhat recently fired.
(Jane)
You unspeakable rat!
This is a frame.
The dirtiest frame-up
in history.
I want my lawyer, in fact,
that's where i'm going,
and you can't stop me.
Huh!
Well, now i know you
framed peter root,
and i let this skunk
talk me out of it.
I will not tolerate this.
You come here, and
you try to kill me.
You nearly do kill me.
Then, you abuse me
about a peter root.
I've never heard of
this fellow peter root!
This fellow?
I'm not listening at all.
How do you do?
I am Nero Wolfe.
If you don't mind, sir,
remove yourself from my chair.
All right, all right...
who the hell
are you?
I have introduced
myself, sir.
That gentleman is a
temporary employee.
When my life was threatened,
i hired him to impersonate me.
You may go to
the kitchen, sir.
Fritz, take him.
Fat coward.
I hired this man,
not out of cowardice,
but conceit.
I am insufferably conceited...
should i be killed,
i doubted that the murderer
would ever be caught.
Should anothlace,
i would still be alive to
attend to the matter myself.
You said you were going
to say something,
you haven't said
anything yet.
What i wish
to say is this:
It is demonstrable
that the shot came
from the direction
of that door
to the front room.
Do you both assert that, at the
instance you heard the shot,
you were together?
Yes.
Yes.
Get inspector cramer
on the phone, Archie.
Ght,
get inspector cramer
on the phone, this is a frame-up.
It seems to me that
calling the police in
is a dirty trick of yours.
May i ask, miss Geer,
how long have you
been acquainted
with major jensen?
Two days.
I met him here.
Is that accurate, major?
Entirely.
Inspector cramer, please.
Not long enough to
form an attachment
warranting any of the costlier
forms of sacrifice?
What?
Your mutual assertion that
you were together
when the shot was fired is
a blessing for the one
who fired the gun.
But when the truth comes out...
and i assure you, it will...
for the other,
it will mean disaster.
Ah, inspector cramer
on the line.
Ah, inspector cramer
on the line. Cramer.
Yeah, what?
Yes, i have a bullet and the
gun which recently fired it.
I want the bullet
compared to the bullets
which killed
jensen and doyle.
And nothing you can say
is gonna stop me.
Do you wanna stay
and talk to mr. Wolfe,
(sighs)
Just as i thought, you'll stay
and talk to mr. Wolfe.
Right this way.
Uh, major jensen.
Hmm?
Oh.
(Archie)
Cramer had a man
at our door in 10 minutes
and carried off
the evidence.
Wolfe proceeded
without him.
Miss Geer, where were you
when the shot was fired?
We were both over there.
And then, i remember, i went
toward the window to freshen up.
I heard the shot and turned.
Emil was hurrying toward
the hallway, calling,
"who fired that shot?"
Do you concur, major?
Yes, we were just
where Jane said.
She turned to
open her purse,
and i took a few steps off
to give her some privacy.
I heard the shot, but with
all the doorways and halls,
i couldn't locate it,
so, i called out,
"who fired that shot?"
After Wolfe was done
with his questions,
we spent two tiresome hours
waiting for the results
on the bullet and the gun,
during which time i got
a kick out of watching
Wolfe's poison
work on jensen and Jane.
The one who hadn't
fired the gun
was suspicious of
the one who had.
The one who had fired
the gun acted suspicious
of the one who hadn't.
From the looks they were
giving each other,
they were not friends.
The only good way to get a
suspicion out of your mind
is to get
something else in.
But i couldn't stop
being curious.
Phooey!
Look at this.
Oh, a search warrant, huh?
I'm surprised you two
are still alive.
What's it for?
The entire premises.
You sent me the gun that
killed jensen and doyle.
That's the gun, and
you sent it to me.
Now i want the murderer.
Is he here?
I'm searching
the house, Wolfe,
and i'm not begging you...
i've begged you before.
The acceptance
of your salary
is a fraud upon the people
of new york.
Start searching.
If you do you'll never
catch the murderer.
Oh, i won't, huh?
Why?
Because i already have.
The hell you have.
Now, your report on
the gun settles it.
But you're not
equipped to handle it.
Tear that up!
I know you, Wolfe,
god, i know you.
But i'm willing to, uh,
talk before i execute it.
No, sir, i will not
submit to duress.
Either tear it up,
or proceed with it,
and i will speak to
the district attorney
about why the murderer
got away.
Confound it!
Don't you ever waste
your time like that again!
Do you understand me?
Or mine!
Now, who did it?
I don't know.
You just said you did!
No, i said i caught
the one who did.
And i have.
The murderer
is in the house.
He's not your client,
is he?
There is a man and there is
a woman in the front room.
Now, granting one of them
is the murderer,
i suggest you inspect
the crime scene.
Now, why didn't i
think of that?
Inspector cramer and
sergeant stebbins
proceeded to investigate.
They measured distances,
computed angles,
extrapolated trajectories
and debated long division.
(Wolfe)
Fritz.
Yes, sir?
Where is the
other cushion?
What other...
there are three cushions
on that couch.
Did you remove one?
No, sir, there
were three here
yesterday when
i cleaned up.
I want you to find it.
Archie, help him.
I want to know if that
cushion is in this room.
(cramer)
Do you think it's a
straight trajectory?
What's the matter
with him?
(stebbins)
This is a police
investigation.
Ah!
Archie, get everyone
out of my office at once.
Archie, find out
if anyone has fired
any of your weapons
recently.
Yes.
This one, very recently.
Tchah!
Assemble everyone,
in the office.
Everyone?
Everyone!
Archie, i appreciate
being asked,
but i've had quite
enough for one day.
I've just been shot at!
Okay, okay, yes.
I have no desire to go
back into that room
with a murderer.
I just want to get paid
and go home.
Yes, yes, okay.
Now, listen.
When i am asked to
fill an order, i do so.
Now, mr. Wolfe has asked me to
assemble everybody out there,
so, come on.
No! L...
(hackett)
You... can't do this!
Get in here!
He was a little reluctant.
Your murderer,
inspector.
What?
I found this...
in his pocket.
Yes, you will want to
check that for blood.
Whose?
Ah, it's a farce,
inspector, low comedy.
No, uh-uh,
i know this guy.
Let me introduce
mr. Thomas root,
father of the imprisoned
captain peter root.
One more day...
one more day.
Yes, no doubt, sir,
one more day.
One more day, and
i'd have been killed,
with suspicion centered on
miss Geer or major jensen
because of your flummery.
Unfortunately for your plan,
i became interested,
involved...
and curious.
I am the father
of a wronged man,
a wrong that needed
to be set right.
Peter said he never
knew his father.
His telephone records
say otherwise.
Vengeance should
have been mine.
Wait a minute...
all you've got is
this scout knife.
And how does he fire a gun
from in there
and beat it
back to your desk?
With my cushion.
Knowing miss Geer
was coming,
mr. Root waited for a moment
when he was alone.
With the cushion
to muffle the gun,
which he wrapped
in a handkerchief
to prevent fingerprints
or powder residue.
He embedded a bullet
in the wall...
stashed the pillow
in the desk
and planted the gun
in the vase.
When miss Geer and
major jensen arrived,
root got a gun from
mr. Goodwin's desk
and fired through the pillow
in the drawer.
(gunshot)
Undoubtedly, we will find
that bullet torn into my floor.
And when mr. Goodwin went to
the front room,
root returned
the gun to Archie's desk
then used the knife
to cut his ear.
Hey, wait a minute,
hold it.
You can't prove that.
How can you prove that?
I don't have to.
The court's just gonna
take your word for it?
Much as i would like to
see him punished
for threatening my life,
it will be easier to
convict and execute him
of jensen and doyle. Murders
that's where i've
seen him before...
the doorman!
Remember, inspector,
i told you,
the fat nitwit
who was just hired.
And he quit his job
the day after the murder.
You shaved your beard,
heh-heh!
You'll pay for this, Wolfe.
A father has rights
beyond the law!
Sit down!
I invite comment,
anything from irony to
derision
to the fact
that i paid $100 a day
to let live in my house,
eat my food
and sit in my chair a man
who was resolved to kill me.
I wish you would takese, mr. Cra
mer,
i've seen enough of him.
Yeah, can't say
as i blame you.
Get him out of here!
Come on, tommy root,
let's go.
You got him?
I got him.
I got you.
Thatwas absolutely
brilliant!
It was merely a job.
It was man apology, mr. Wolfe.
You were not
my client, sir.
No, no,
for my father.
Well, in
that case...
wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"in that case," right?
When your father came to him
and told him
somebody was
trying to kill him,
he said he could do
nothing for him.
And that's exactly
what he did: Nothing!
So, legally, you don't
owe him a thing.
Ah.
Emil.
Well, thank you
very much, inspector.
Well, you're welcome,
major stay-at-home.
You know, Wolfe,
you weren't interested,
and you certainly
weren't involved,
and you
definitely weren't...
you weren't concerned!
Curious.
Same thing!
(door slams)
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