A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 11 - Before I Die - full transcript

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what is it?

That is partridge stuffed
with wild rice and currants.

Chicken.

It is game!

This is a
beautiful partridge.

It's chicken,
take it away!

(Archie Goodwin)
That afternoon, i had all of
Nero Wolfe that i could stand.

I wasn't blaming him.

We were two months into
the great meat shortage.

The boys overseas needed
the rations



and there was nothing
left for the loyal home front.

But to Nero Wolfe,

a meal without meat
is an insult.

(doorbell rings)

Your name's
Goodwin.

Thanks, how much
do i weigh?

My boss wants
to see Wolfe.

Your boss
wants to...

uh, just a minute.

What is it,
a mouse?

Uh, no, no, sir,
no, you have a visitor,

and since he's one of our
most famous citizens...

you may have heard
of him, dazy perrit...

latest title: King of
the black market.



Just...

i think he's got a gun.

Then he's
damn silly.

I want to speak
to Wolfe now.

Wolfe wants
no part of it.

Now, i'm not laughing it off.

People who laugh
things off with you

end up at funerals,
playing the lead.

I realize that,
but it's just...

confound it, Archie.

If mr. Perrit
wishes to see me,

invite him in...
and his friend.

Archie, wait
in the kitchen.

Archie?

Yeah, you got
a problem with that?

No, it's a perfectly
fine name.

Now, we normally
park our visitors...

Archie likes
the kitchen.

If he likes the kitchen,
he likes the kitchen.

I don't like it
in here.

Why don't you come out
and sit in my car with me.

We'll talk there.

Well, my good man,
i do like it here.

I rarely leave my home,

and i would be an idiot
to leave this chair,

which was made
specifically to fit me.

You might make some
exceptions.

I would be a good
exception to start with.

Well, let us compromise,
mr. Perrit.

Uh, perhaps you
would prefer the, um,

the front room.

The front room?

The front room...
follow me.

Yeah,
this is nice.

Less stuff.

Good.

Before we begin
with your business,

uh...

i'd like to, uh, discuss
a small matter, if i may?

Uh, i understand that you are
an expert in a certain field.

Presumably,
you know how to, uh...

locate certain things

and know how they
may be procured.

I am a respectable
and virtuous citizen,

but like everyone else,
i have my smudges.

What do you want,
a slice of the rackets?

No...

i want a
slice of beef.

Beef?

I want meat to eat.

Meat?

Lamb, pork, veal.

Mr. Wolfe,
i'm not a butcher.

Good quality meat.

Did ya hear what i said?
I'm noher.

I know.

I'm not into beef at all,
but i'll see what i can do.

Ring lincoln:
6-3-2-3-2,

before 10 in
the morning.

Ask for tom
and use my name.

Did you get that,
Archie?

Did you get the number?

Yes, i'll write it
down later.

Thank you, sir,
thank you.

Now, on to your business.

Well, i need help.

The occupational hazards
are relatively high

in the detective business,

and in any activity
connected to you,

they are
substantially higher.

Now, the combination
of the two

would be inadvisable.

I don't often
ask for help.

But when i do, i get
the very best there is.

You're it, mr. Wolfe.

It would be foolish
for you, sir,

to entrust
your secrets to me,

when i cannot properly...

there's 50 "c"s
to start with.

I'm beailed
and i want it to stop.

It's my daughter.

I must ask you
to stop speaking.

Mr. Wolfe, that's one
thing that nobody

in the world
knows except me.

And another thing,

my daughter is not
really my daughter.

Yeah, hold it, hold it.

He just said he didn't want to
hear about any of this stuff,

i don't either, and...

what's wrong with
a plate of spaghetti?

Listen, i got
a real daughter.

Born 21 years ago.

Now that's two things that
you and your man here know

that nobody else knows.

Now i got a job i
want you to do with her, too.

Ng?
Now i got a job i
want you to do with her, too. Goi

i must excuse
myself, mr. Perrit.

I spend the afternoons
upstairs with my plants.

Sit back down!

If you so much as poke
m in the stomach,

i will plug you.

You doing
with that thing in your hand?

I realize this is probably
a little corny to you,

now
that any serious t i also k

argument anyone has ever had
with you it has never

been worked out
with any tool but a gun.

The two of you,
you're crazy as bedbugs,

you're goin' bananas.

Mr. Perrit, if you insist on
confiding your troubles to me,

i suggest you tell them
to mr. Goodwin,

and i will phone you this
evening, or in the morning.

(Archie)
Wolfe kept dazy on the hook
so he could have some meat.

We would have to fix it so
dazy's real daughter

would not be revealed

and his fake daughter
would stop the blackmail.

I expected him to pull out

a wallet and start
showing me snapshots.

He didn't, but he fed me
lots of details.

My daughter had her
second birthday, my wife died,

and i pulled three years
in the hoosegow.

When i got out,
i started getting prosperous,

so i went back

and dug her up
in missouri.

Rest of the family
glad to see you?

I didn't ask,

i just told her i was
a friend of her father's

and he wanted me to
take care of her.

So she doesn't
know who she is?

No, no, no.

She thinks her father's
a wealthy man

and can't reveal himself.

Sure, sure, like maybe
he's going to be

elected president
or something like that?

Hey, everything
was working out fine.

Y'know, i could see her
every three months,

then she decides
to go to school here

in the city... columbia.

That was great,
until this knucklehead,

thumbs Meeker,

bitched everything up.

Thumbs Meeker got his name

on account of his
favorite method

of getting information
from reluctant people.

He had his hands in
whatever dazy perrit didn't:

So, between the two of them,

they pretty much
ran new york.

I just stopped
by to say,

if your daughter ever
needs a little favor,

all you gotta do is ask.

Daughter?

I never took you
for a family man.

What are you talking about?
What daughter?

Come on, you got a
daughter, she's in college.

Do i look like
a man who has a daughter?

You calling me
a liar?

You go slow.

Put a muzzle on
tatchet-man.

Let me loose
on him, boss.

No, that's okay, Fabian.

What's wrong
with you?

You want to start
an incident here?

You got some bad
information.

I don't have a
daughter, and if i did,

she wouldn't be
in college.

You forget
i know you, perrit.

You got aspirations.

You want eveg
the best.

She'sht now

learning which spoon to
pick up with her fork.

(laughing)

(Archie)
Had meek attacked
your daughter,

or just heard
you got one?

Nah, he just heard,

but that was
enough for that rat.

Well, that gives him
a bad hold over you.

Forget me.

The thought of him
even near her...

my little girl.

Did i tell you
she's at Columbia?

(dazy)
She's studying
to be a doctor.

She wants to change the whole
public health system.

They're all panting
to keep up with her.

She's leavin' 'em in
a cloud of dust.

Now, i got better brains
than any man i ever met,

but where she's concerned,
they don't work.

I rented a penthouse off
fth avenue,

and i brought in a girl
there to play my daughter.

Her name was angelina murphy.

She was on the jump
in salt lake city

on a cleaning
and rolling charge.

I figured i had
enough on her

to keep her mouth shut.

Her name as my daughter
was violet perrit.

I figured, with thumbs,

if he saw my daughter
living there,

he wouldn't go looking
for her in any other places.

Then the little bitch used
the pliers on me.

What?

Your skirt's too short.

Yeah, yeah, and i
got bare arms, too.

I told you...

look, bub, i ain't no
college kid, all right?

I ain't going to columbia.

Have you been
going through my mail?

No, it was a lucky
guess, but thanks.

A week before christmas,

she asked me for
a thousand bucks,

over and above her
allowance,

and then, well...

look, i got it right here,
written down.

So, she's nicked
you for 25 grand.

Why didn't she have,
uh, an accident?

How would thumbs Meeker dope
it out if she disappeared?

Then he'd start looking for
her all over again, right?

And beulah would
be in danger.

I can't have that.

Well, then you are stuck
with an expensive daughter.

No, no, i'm stuck
with a glutton...

and a fool.

Last night she hit
me for 50 grand.

Well, mr. Perrit,
why don't you try something

short of curtains?

You think i've out
with a smile?

No, no, i don't.

That's just
for a start.

I'll pay what it's worth,
and it's worth plenty.

(sighing)

Hehe won't touch it.

He's just as stubborn
as you are.

And the two of you,
you are like two peas in a pod,

like two racecars,
little box cars...

you know what,
you talk too much.

The words weren't much, but
the tone hit me in the spine.

It was the voice of a killer.

By the time dazy perrit
was ready to go,

he had spent nearly an
hour giving me information

about beulah page,
the name of his real daughter.

Dazy also made arrangements
for violet perrit

to be in Wolfe's
office at midnight.

I want you to
be here by 100.

But i got theater
tickets, and the four of us

got a table at "the tropicana"
for the late show.

I don't care
what you've got!

You get your jiggly ass
over here by 12:00.

Don'.

(Archie)
When Wolfe came down
from the plant rooms,

i made a full and honest report.

If you'd like to
know the facts,

i'm scared stiff.

Do you think we might
call that number tonight?

Well, i think it would be
useless to use it

if dazy isto be our cli
ent.

Indeed.

Get the daughter.

The daughter?

Which one,
violet or beulah?

Miss page,
get miss page.

I don't even know he
has a daughter.

But i want to see her.

At the very least,
i want you to see her.

(ringing phone)

Hello?

Hello, hello, hello.

Yes, may i speak to
miss beulah page, please?

Talking.

Say, are you
a preacher?

No, ma'am, i'm not.

Name is stevens,
harold stevens,

from the dayton
community health center.

May i have a moment
of your time?

Certainly.

Only it's too bad
you're not a preacher.

We're getting married,
we've just decided.

You know, i was
just calling...

i wanted to
tell you about

the wonderful work
we're doing here,

at the dayton
community health center.

Say, how did you know i was
interested in health work?

Because you've been a geNerous
donor to various, ah...

all right,
come on ahead.

Come over and come on,
come on ahead.

Lit, not plastered,
but lit.

You know, i have
a better idea, miss page,

why don't you let me
help you celebrate

with a betrothal dinner?

I happen to be
in manhattan right now.

Why don't you come down?

He happens to be a famous
man with a famous chef.

Come on, who is he?

Well, his name is Nero Wolfe,
he's uh, the detective.

Yeah, he saved
my life once...

that's right,
on a murder ge.

Morton, we're gonna have
dinner with Nero Wolfe.

Miss page.

Mr. Schane,
you are...

(Archie)
Beulah and morton Schane
arrived at 6:30

for another meatless dinner,

which is what got us into
this mess in the first place.

I'll take it from here,
mr. Brenner.

With pleasumr. Stevens.

He didn't want to come.

I have to study
for an exam.

On the night
we get engaged.

Well...

he said i was maudlin
on the phone,

and maybe i was,

but he shouldn't
have got me so drunk.

Now, wait a minute,

who made
the cocktails?

Aw, don't be
a party-pooper.

Just, ah...

to my surprise,
Wolfe had a good time.

Beulah was one of the few women
he'd ever dined with

who could keep up with him.

Actually, the most
impressive flower

i've ever seen was
an open rafflesia.

Ah, corpse lily
in full bloom.

Four feet across, harold.

How lucky
for you.

I suppose so.

But it smelt
terrible.

Well, that's only because
you're human, madam.

If you were a
black fly, for instance,

you would be attracted
to the smell

of rotting meat.

You have an amazing range
of knowledge, mr. Wolfe.

I don't really
know anything except law.

That's the truth.

He thinks lawyers are
the guardians of everything,

from social conventions
to moral righteousness.

No, no,
not righteousness,

right.

I hope,
morton, that you...

are aware of the fact
that most people

do not like lawyers.

(laughing)

I don't.

Lawyers are insufferable
word-stretchers.

I had a draw up a tort for me on
ce.

It was a rather simple
conveyance.

Took him 11 pages.

Could've been
done in two.

Have they taught you
to draw up torts yet?

Naturally, sir,
that's in the course.

I try not to put in more
words than necessary.

Well, for god's sakes,

in the future,
make it brief.

In the future,
make it brief. I will.

Mmm.

You know, you're
a swell guy, mr. Stevens.

What do you think
of this?

Drive beulah and and we'll get m
arried.

How's that
for an idea?

Well, i think it stinks.

What?
Why?

Because it does.

I may not have a father
or mother

or aunts or uncles or
cousins, for that matter,

but it doesn't meant that
i need to sneak off

to maryland in
the dead of night

just to get a husband.

Well, i thought
it was romantic.

No, i want flowers
and white things

and sunshine,
if i get a break.

Not cramming ourselves into
a car with poor mr. Stevens.

Very well, then, if you
don't want to get married,

i'll go finish working
on my test.

Fine, then you can take
the subway home to your work,

and mr. Stevens and i will
go somewhere and dance.

Now, wait a minute,
hold on a second here.

First of all, we're about to
get married and i don't...

for a minute,
it looked sticky.

But the law student
filed objections,

motions, and demurrers.

And it ended happily with
them taking

the same taxi home together.

E
call
our client?

No.

No. No?

It would be nice to
give him something.

I mean, his daughter being
engaged is nothing colossal,

but it's fresh.

Of course,
now that she's met me

she doesn't want
Schane at all.

I'll have to get
out of it somehow.

I can't very well
explain to her

that i don't want

dazy perrit
as a father-in-law...

we have something far
better than that for him.

Yeah, we do?

Um-hmm.

What, did something happen
while i was out?

No, while you
were here.

Evidently,
you missed it.

Oh.

(sighing)

I'll just get
back to these.

(clearing throat)

(ringing doorbell)

Ah, violet perrit.

Now, dazy perrit, he said
that we should

call her
miss murphy.

It'll upset her.

Right.

You like it?

(chuckling)

Miss murphy, you are
getting money from mr. Perrit

by threatening to disclose

the existence
of his real daughter.

That, of course,
is blackmail.

Wha... i can't
believe my ears.

Dazy perrit telling anyone
i'm not his daughter.

You find it difficult
to believe, miss murphy,

because you have misjudged
his character.

You didn't stop to consider
that his strongest feeling,

stronger even than his
feeling for his daughter,

is his vanity.

He cannot,
and will not tolerate

anyone's ascendancy
over him.

In short: He can't stand
to have you diddle him.

Yeah, balls.

So, where do you
come buttin' in?

Mr. Perrit has
made the same mistake

you did and misjudged
a man's character...

mine.

Henceforth, miss murphy,

whenever you get
money from mr. Perrit,

above your hundred
dollars a week,

you will give
me 90% from it

or the salt lake city
authorities

will come and get you.

Aw, for the love of...

do you think
i'm that dumb, huh?

Does dazy think
i'm that dumb?

I give you the money,

you hand it over to him,
and he gets off cheap.

Now wouldn't
that be sweet, huh?

No.

You got me
all wrong, mr. Wolfe.

You see, i got
what it takes.

It takes guts to make
dazy perrit fork it over.

I was at the theater tonight.

But you'll notice
i'm wearing sleeves, hmm?

Archie.

I can't really tell.

Could be fingers
or a fist

or he might've
used something.

Put your shirt on.

There's more. Shirt on.

But you're gonna have to
pay to see those.

I took it, mr. Wolfe.

I told him,
you hurt me enough,

and i am gonna spill plenty

where it's gonna do
the most good.

And now he thinks

he can get away with
this lousy runaround?

Nuts.

Well, you may be right,
miss murphy,

but what if i'm
acting on my own hook?

You would discover it
too late.

Yeah.

He told you to say
that, didn't he?

No, he didn't.

Of caution:'t. Word

if you disappear,
mr. Perrit might decide

not to find you, for
obvious reasons.

But i wouldn't.

If you disappear,
i will find you.

I am fully as
vain as mr. Perrit.

And i will not
be diddled!

My god, is he fat.

Y'know, luckily,
you don't have to

boost the pot right now.

You got time to sleep on it,
and you probably should.

Shall i take you
home, miss murphy?

Tell you what...

why don't you just cith
the "miss murphy", huh?

You can call
me angel food.

Sure, sure,
angel food.

(Archie)
A ride in the car
would give me 20 minutes

to sell Wolfe's plan,
and if i couldn't,

i could ensure that she
wouldn't blurt it out to dazy,

as there was no way of telling

how violent
his reaction might be.

Miss murphy.

Angl food.

Yeah, but i don't
like angel food, though.

How about maple...
delight?

It doesn't matter, though,
anyway, because you are sunk.

Mr. Wolfe is a hyena,
a vulture, a jackal.

Your voice goes
right through me.

I won't even need
a drink first.

How about not
being so greedy, huh?

Why don't you tell dazy
the gyp is out, right?

You are merely his loving
and obedient daughter.

It's just that it would
be nice if that c-note

he gave you once a week

were up to three,
how about that, huh?

We'll leave the car here,

and i'll come down later
and give you a ride home.

(screeching tires)

(shooting)

(woman)
Call the police!

All right, hang on there,
angel food.

It's sh-shame...

what?

It's sh-sh-shame...

stay with her.

(ringing phone)

Who is it?

It's Archie.

I brought her home...
a guy in a car drove by

started shooting.

I did not get
the license.

She is dead.

I'll bet that bastard
perrit decided to get her

and use us for proof
of something and...

get off of
that phone now.

Archie!

What?

Fritz, bolt the door,
let no one in.

And call
saul panzer.

Tell him i need him
immediately.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Rowcliff
is one of the reasons

i doubt the world will ever
reach universal brotherhood.

It just doesn't
seem feasible,

as long as opinions like mine

is dazy perrit holed up
in Wolfe's house?

Ah, good lord, no.

It makes my teeth chatter
just thinking about it.

And did your teeth
chatter yesterday

arranging things
with Wolfe?

Lieutenant, i knew a man once,
who insisted on hunting ducks

with a shotgun.

It knocked him
flat on his prat

every time he pulled
the trigger.

He seemed to love it.

You know what, you kind of
remind me of him.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if Wolfe had nothing
to do with this,

why didn't he
come to the door?

Why don't you try him
tomorrow morning?

He comes down from
the plant rooms around 11:00.

Good luck tonight.

As i walked home,
i did some useless wondering.

It was a cinch that dazy perrit
had decided to erase her,

but why drag Wolfe
in, not to mention me?

Being pulled into the affairs

of Meeker and perrit wasn't
taking a risk,

it was checking out, with
the date of the departure

the only thing to be settled.

It's late,

but i felt you would want
to start immediately.

I have a friend
who has his own lab.

The friend in
washington?

Yes, if i get
that to him

before the start
of the business day,

he's always prompt
with the results.

Speed is of
the utmost importance.

15 minutes later,
i decided to forget perrit.

The guy i really wanted
to shoot was Wolfe

for having opened the door
and inviting perrit in,

all in search of a spare rib.

I want to talk to
you about tonight.

My car is right there.

Uh, yeah, uh...
let's talk here.

I often talk to people
right here.

Get going.

Uh, i like it here.

Look, uh, even if
i had ideas,

which i don't,
i emptied my gun.

See, my gun's empty.

(rapid firing)

(man)
Look out!

Get out of here.

Ah, gee, Fritz.
Archie!

Oh my god, did you,
did you kill somebody?

Archie!

What the devil
is going on?

I, i know you're probably
expecting an apology

for interfering
with your sleep,

but there are two corpses

back on the sidewalk
at the corner.

I got to call
the 19th precinct.

Will i get any
sleep tonight?

(ringing phone)

Nero Wolfe's.

Archie,
it's saul.

I need mr. Wolfe.

Saul panzer.

Ah, good.

Archie...

go up to your room
and look at your face.

It needs washing.

Yours would, too,
if you spent the night

rolling around
on sidewalks.

Just go up and
wash your face.

So i'm out of it?

Well, at the moment i have
nothing to discuss.

Yeah, well.

Oh, uh, if you really
want something to do,

um...

no, perhaps it would be
futile to call that number,

lincoln 6-3-2-3-2,
about the meat.

No, he's...
mr. Perrit's dead.

Don't ask me,
i'm out of it.

(ringing doorbell)

Yes, saul.

At 4:00 a.m.,
Rowcliff and his army

assaulted the brownstone.

Wolfe refused
to come down,

taking the strategic
high ground.

This is
a hell of a thing.

Why, uh, mr. Wolfe,

why can't we
meet downstairs?

Why you wish to
see me at all

is an exercise
in faulty logic.

A block from
where i am sleeping,

why am i associated
with the event?

Uh, still...

it... it's a hell
of a thing.

Well, get, get
your notebook out!

Sharpen your
pencil!

It's almost dawn.

Sit down, please!

Violet perrit
and the blackmail

and nothing about
beulah page.

From the way they acted,

i could tell they knew
dazy's friends and compatriots

would not let his death
go unavenged.

Wolfe and i were prime
candidates for the avengees.

Nothing more to say,
fellas, that's it.

It's all right there
in your book.

Told you evething.

(Archie)
By the time Wolfe emerged
from the plant rooms,

he had a visitor.

I wouldn't have picked
l.a. Schwartz

to be
dazy perrit's lawyer...

for one thing,

he wore old-fashioned nose
pinchers for glasses,

which didn't
seem to be the thing.

Well?

In the past, i have attended
to a few little matters

for mr. Perrit of
a purely legal nature.

I know law but, on accout,

i'm not a
successful lawyer.

Now, last evening, he called
me at my home...

he never
calls at my office...

and asked me to meet him
at the "7-11 club".

He wanted me
to draw up papers

there in his presence,
and it took a while...

i'm not very
fast on a typewriter.

Can you be concise?

That you had not explicitly
given your assent,

and, therefore...

my assent?
My assent to what?

Your appointment as
executor of his estate and,

in effect, the guardian
of his daughter.

Did you?

Utterly
preposterous!

Uhh, i was afraid
of that.

It will
complicate matters.

There is a question of
whether the $50,000 provided

if the execu

ah.

Tell me about it.

Last evening, he asked
me to meet him.

Schwartzy, i need you to get
me a will or something

so that i can leave my...

i want my daughter
to be protected.

Can you do that?

Daughter?

I wasn't
aware you had...

yeah.

Look, here's
the birth certificate.

And that's legit, and so
is the marriage license.

And these are the bonds
i want her to have.

These are... these are
worth a million dollars.

Can you fix these
papers so that her...

they don't mention her name,
it's not on 'em?

Well, it's extremely
difficult to convey property

to a daughter without
mentioning her name.

Schwartzy,
you can do it.

Now, i want Wolfe to be
the executor, okay?

I sized
him up good.

He's the one.

He knows who
she is.

I trust him.

Mr. Perrit, this
is highly irregular,

even for a person
like you.

If you pull this off,

there's $50,000
in it for you

to be paid
to you by Wolfe

'cause i want him to
be the executor.

I'm not gonna die, but
you never know, do ya?

What if i do?

She's got
to be protected.

She's got to get what belongs
to her, and this does.

I want you to
leave it up to Wolfe

whether to tell her about me
or who i am or not, okay?

He'll know.

I sized
him up good.

And i trust him,
okay, schwartz?

I understand there may
be some reluctance.

Put them in the safe.

If a wall street bandit is
able to dispose of his loot

as he wishes,

why shouldn't
mr. Perrit?

So you accept?

I do.

Ah, one detail,
if i may?

With the daughter dead,

how do you propose to perform
the functions of your office?

That, sir,
is my affair.

I see.

Another detail,
if you don't mind, then?

Your assistantoth miss per
rit

and mr. Perrit were killed

and he was not
injured.

Now, when it becomes
public knowledge that

over a million dollars has
been entrusted to your hands,

mr. Perrit's former associates
will draw certain inferences

and will kill
both of you.

That is likely.

(ringing phone)

Then how will
i be paid?

Nero Wolfe's office,
Archie Goodwin spea...

i want to talk
to Wolfe.

Nero Wolfe speaking.

Your name,
please!

No names.

I'm sorry, sir, i never speak
to people without a name.

Have you ever heard
of a man named Fabian?

Oh my, yes.

So have i.

Is he a friend
of dazy perrit's?

He would say so.

He's his bagman,
his hatchet, his trigger.

Mr. Fabian, i never make
appointments outside my home.

Why don't you come
to my office,

say at 2:00 today?

Good.

Oh, good heavens!

He is
the most notorious...

t-to invite him...

to even let
him in.

Well, if he has drawn

the sort of
inferences you fear,

my own office is the only
safe place to meet.

(ringing phone)

Nero Wolfe's office,
Archie Goodwin speak...

you said your name
was harold stevens!

I saw your picture
in that paper

and that man who was
killed, i know him!

Shh... hold.

Uh, it's the friend
of the law student.

Yes, well, we might
as well get it over with.

Invite her for lunch.

Tell her to come
to the back door.

Why don't you come for lunch
today, saround 1:00?

(Wolfe)
And, mr. Schwartz,

if you wis $50,000,

i will expect you
to come back at 2:00

for my meeting with
mr. Fabian.

Do you know what
a hypothetical question is?

Certainly.

Well, let me
put one to you.

Suppose these things...

that your father has
made available to you,

a considerable sum
of money,

that he cannot ever
disclose himself to you

and that he has put it wholly
within my discretion

whether you
should be told his name.

Now, supposing all that,

here's what you
must think over:

Do you want me to tell
you his name or not?

I don't need to
think that over.

That is an impulse.

It's not
an impulse.

Good lord,
it's not an impulse.

I, i want to know.

Hmm.

Mr. Dazy perrit.

I knew it.

The devil you did.

I knew it when i,
when i saw in the paper

that he had died, l...

(sobbing)

Good god.

I knew it.

Why don't you have the sense
to leave like he did?

(ringing doorbell)

Why, inspector, did
Rowcliff lose his notes?

No, this is just
a friendly call.

How are you?

I am the way i always am
just before lunch.

Hungry.

Mm-hmm.

Well, enjoy it.

Thanks for telling Rowcliff
about perrit's daughter

being wanted in salt lake.

She had about
10 years coming.

And she wasn't perrit's
daughter at all.

I just thought
i'd tell you that.

And i suppose you might
want to add some...

last words.

No...
i, l... no.

Nothing at all, huh?

Nothing.

Like the job you
took on for perrit?

Okay, all right, well...

i didn't
expect anything.

Enjoy your lunch.

Yes, thank you.

Don't bother, ay out.

Well, at least i heard
that before i die.

What, what?

Cramer.

He just told you to
enjoy your lunch.

Yes?

Yeah, you know why?

He thinks the only guy
you should be talking to

is a priest.

It was, in effect,
an obituary, wasn't it?

Yes.

If i were a sentimentalist,
i'd be touched.

(ringing phone)

Nero Wolfe's office,
Archie Goodwin...

Archie, it's saul.

Yeah,
hold on.

Saul panzer.

Well.

Yes, saul, i'll need you
here earlier than expected.

Yes.

You can join us
for lunch.

I'm on my way.

Wolfe may have enjoyed
his lunch, but i sure didn't.

I couldn't help compare it
to the prisoner's last meal.

No matter how good it is,

it's difficult
to taste it.

We'r
guests at 2:00.

Now, you can either leave
or go to the plant rooms.

Beulah can, but...

i don't like the way
things look here.

Who are these
guests you're expecting?

One of them is
a gentleman named Fabian.

The other, a lawyer,
l.a. Schwartz.

Are they connected
to beulah's affairs?

They are not connected
with miss page.

They are connected
to her affairs, yes.

Well, then,
i'm going to stay.

Her interests are soon
to be my interests,

and i, uh, i want to
see that they're protected.

No, i, i don't
want him.

Miss page, your name
will not appear

in the conversation.

So there's no reason why
morton should not stay

if he feels compelled to.

(ringing doorbell)

Well, i, uh, see you've
fortified your courage.

Come on in.

Ah, mr. Fabian.

I presume you two
know each other.

Yeah, yeah.

You're perrit's shyster,
which way?

Mr. Fabian,
good afternoon.

I'm Nero Wolfe,
how do you do?

Mr. Schwartz, you may
go to the office

and make
yourself comfortable.

We'll be there shortly.

It is part of legend that
you go nowhere unarmed.

Are you armed now?

Yeah, any objections?

Not at all.

Come, sit in
my office.

I must apologize, sir,
first for appropriating

a few moments
of your time.

And, uh, you have, no doubt,
come here to avenge

the death of
your employer.

Now, you should have
first say in what...

(Fritz)
No, no...
Archie, Archie!

You better
lift 'em.

(thumbs)
Not here, not now.

Who gave you
the steer?

Nobody.

I am here on business.

Lift 'em up!

Tommyrot!

This is
preposterous!

I mean, besides, you two,

there are five people
here in this room.

Now, if you
shoot him, mr. Fabian,

what do you expect
to do?

Shoot all of us?

Nonsense!

And who the devil
are you?

What are you
doing here?

How dare you barge into
my home like this!

That's thumbs Meeker, sir.

Since the death
of your client,

he is also
known as the mob boss.

Okay, i thought to myself,

before i die, at least i get
to hear Nero Wolfe

bawling out thumbs Meeker
for barging in unannounced.

Well, confound it,
what do you want?

It's bad policy to allow
a civilian to get away

with assassinating a boss.

It makes for a...
bad mood.

And you think
i killed dazy perrit?

Am i a half-wit?

Your man was
with violet... pow.

Then he's with
perrit... pow.

And it is known that perrit
put you in charge of a bundle,

so what else can
i think of?

Mr. Meeker, now that
you're here,

i suggest that you stay.

When you entered, i was
about to tell these people

who killed mr. Perrit
and his daughter.

Now, first, the police
know that the young woman

who was killed last night
was not his daughter.

Go slow.

If you please, sir,

no power on earth will keep me
from telling this properly.

What they do not know is
that he actually has a daughter.

I know who she is and i know
where she is right now...

she's upstairs
looking at my orchids.

That's a lie.

She doesn't think so.

Mr. Perrit entrusted her
interests to me

and i intend to guard them.

Mr. Perrit was keeping
her identity concealed.

And when you tried
to find her, mr. Meeker,

d for a young woman
and when you tried
to from salt lake cityr, ange

to come to new york city

and live with him
as his daughter.

Go slow!

Nonsense, sir!

But, after six months,
she violated their agreement

and began blackmailing him

with the threat that
she would disclose

the truth if he didn't pay.

He paid.

He paid, not once,
but five times.

Harassed beyond endurance,
dazy perrit came to me for help.

He told me many things.

But he did not tell me that
the young woman he'd hired

to play his
daughter had an attachment

to a young man from
salt lake city.

That he had come
to new york city

maybe surmised
from the fact that

miss murphy began
demanding money

(Nero)
From mr. Perrit.

From her the young man
learned the identity

of mr. Perrit's real daughter,

and he calculated that his
highest expectations,

in the long run,

would be realized
through the real daughter

and not the counterfeit one.

So, he masqueraded
as a law student

named morton Schane...

that's a lie!

That's an utter lie,
and i'll sue you for slander.

Soon as i've passed
the bar, i'll file...

really?

And when you do so,
will you write a tort

to go along with it?

What?

What have you
got on him?

And i asked you if you had
learne

and you said you had.

A tort is a crime,
it's not a document.

Any law student would
know that.

This is ridiculous!

How can you
sit there and say...

the real question
is, why?

Why did you shoot and kill
miss murphy and mr. Perrit?

Merely to get
them out of the way

since the real daughter was
now betrothed to you?

Possibly.

But more probably
you had become aware

that dazy perrit was
on to you.

You'll eat all this, you fat,
lying son of a bitch!

I'm going.

You got
anything else?

Yes.

Because he was clearly not
who he claimed to be,

i had my chef save
his wine glass... saul?

And i confirmed, through
the f.b.i.,

mr. Schane's
criminal association

with angelina murphy
in salt lake.

(shooting)

"The district attorney
has decided

"not to charge
Meeker or Fabian,

because all the witnesses said
that Schane shot first."

Yes... plus,
saul's bullet is the one

that lodged in
Schane's pump.

I like it.

But i would also like to
make it clear that, uh,

i know the reason why
you had schwartz here.

And you know what that
reason is?

You wanted a witness here

so that you would
not be charged

with incitement to crime.

Shut up.

Yes, sir, in about
an hour or so.

I'm trying
to read.

When Schane
forced his way in,

you began ad-libbing.

You figured that with Fabian,
saul and me here,

we'd plug him before he
had a chance to plug you,

that's what you figured.

I suppose you have to
get this out of your system.

Yes, yes, i do, i do.

But i'd like to
be fair, too.

I got one on me.

We have had
a delivery.

Yep, i got one
on me too.

And you want to
know what it is?

You remember i told you
that when violet

was just
about to quit there,

she struggled to get out,

"it's a shame,
it's a shame."

Ha!

No, i mean, what she really
was saying, of course, was,

"it's Schane,
it's Schane."

Yes, so...
dropped that one.

Yeah, hereafter, i will
wash my ears better.

Yes, you should wash
your ears better.

Yes.

My ears will
be washed better.

No!

(ringing phone)

Nero Wolfe's office.

Yes, may i please speak
to mr. Harold stevens?

Ah, will anyone else do?

You might.

You see, i was
trying to decide

where to go to dinner,
and l...

well, don't
say another word.

Meet me at "riberio's"
at 7:00, 52nd street.

You got that?

Sure.

I am having dinner
with your ward.

But don't
jump to the conclusion

that i'm thinking
of marrying her.

I wouldn't want you to
send Fabian or thumbs Meeker

do my
account, becau...

it is lamb chops.

Mm, lamb chops.

Good god,
lamb chops.

Well, happy days
are here again.

Yes, enjoy your
spaghetti.

We shall rub them...

no, no,

rosemary!

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Thyme!

No, no,
no, no.

Mustard...

yes, mustard,
olive oil, ginger.

Yes.

And thyme!
And thyme, yes!

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