A Grunt's Life (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - This is What You Wanted - full transcript
Chaplain Kelly arrives on base to deliver some special guidance to the Marines and ANP.
(thunder rumbling)
(electricity arcing)
- [Sgt Bishop] Chaplain Kelly!
What the fuck?
(Kelly laughing)
It's so good to see you
again, man, how you doing?
- How ya doing?
Oh, Sgt. Bishop, how about you?
- All right, well, man,
look, I'm feeling inspired.
- Good, good, good, good, good.
- But what you got going on for us today?
- Well,
honor your kills-
- All right.
- Protect your souls,
and damn your cheating wives.
- (laughs) Fuck them!
- You know, on my last PB, I
cured one marine of herpes.
- What?
- It was a miracle!
- Oh yeah, gospel truth.
- Kelly!
- Chaps Kelly!
- [Marine] Yo, chaps, want some head?
Chaps, I'll suck your dick!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- Holy shit, are you out
of your goddamn mind?
Is that titties?
- Earn this shit, son.
- Is that titties?
Oh, I see it!
- Or nobody's gonna know.
(Marines shouting over each other)
- All right, look!
Now you'll be fucking
disciplined at the formation, no!
- [Marine] All right, you got it,
don't try shooting at it, let's go!
(angelic choir music)
- [Marine] Goddammit, I said!
- Get up in front of Chaps, get up!
Get up, goddamn, man!
- Goddamn.
- [Marine] Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Chaps, help!
(Marines shouting)
- [Marine] Bro!
- I can't believe-
- Bro, you see it?
(Marines shouting over each other)
- [Bishop] Marines, fall in!
- [Marine] Rah
- Look!
Titties away.
Atten hut!
(Marines rattling)
- Marines, it's truly an honor
to be here with you today.
Hell, I've spent the last
30 years visiting bases
in the most disgusting shitholes
on this beautiful planet.
And if there's one thing
that has stayed consistent,
it's that I always get a hard on
when I'm around Marine grunts!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- [Marine] Sir!
- Now, I'm not here for
long, boys, and we've,
well, we got a busy schedule
in the next few days, all right?
So, tonight, we celebrate
those who succeeded
on the battlefield by taking
the lives of our enemies.
- Rah!
- Then, then if you
wish, we can do an oracle
for our cheating wives, and tomorrow,
we'll do confession to clean some
of those filthy souls of yours.
- [Marine] Ooh!
- Now,
if any of you have any
questions, I have a few minutes
before I start preparing
for the ceremonies.
- Marines, on my command, you'll fall out!
The only way that you ask
questions in an orderly,
respectful, reverent,
fucking manner, got it?
Fall out!
- What's gonna happen with
Peltier's cheating whore wife?
- Did you really get 345 kills?
- Who do you have at the Super Bowl?
- Is true you invented holy waterboarding?
- Can you really turn water into whiskey?
- [Marine] How come
Peltier's wife won't fuck me?
- I second that!
- Well, she did fuck me.
(Kelly and Marines laugh)
- Is it true that you fucked
the 34th commandant's daughter?
(tense synth music sting)
(dramatic intense breathing)
(angelic choir music)
(Marines cheering)
(Marines hooting)
- [Marine] All right!
(intense rock music)
(Marines cheering)
(Kelly chuckling)
- [Marine] Got that holy thing.
- [Kelly] America.
(bag rustling)
- No.
(ANP speaking foreign language)
- I don't indulge with this.
(holy water sloshing)
(ANP gasps)
Now, don't worry, my son,
Jesus still loves you.
(holy water sloshing)
(Superman gasps)
(Quad spits)
I don't know about Allah though.
- Ah.
- Come on.
- [Marine] I got one more, I got one.
- Gimme one more, let's go.
One more.
(Marine grunts)
One more, you got it.
Good, good.
(Marine grunts)
(barbell clinking)
Hey, bro.
- [Marine] What's up?
- I've been thinking, in Iraq,
didn't LT have to talk to chaps
about those fucking weird ass
war trophies he was doing?
- Yeah.
You think he should talk to chaps again?
- [Spotter Marine] I
think he needs fucking to.
- Makes sense.
- Hey!
Hey!
(barbell clinks)
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You training for the Navy, you fucks?
Get outta here.
Secure the fucking gossip, all right?
- [Spotter Marine] Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- [Sitting Marine] Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Look, you're not wrong,
but I don't want the
troops hearing that shit.
- Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Carry on.
- Think he's gonna say something?
- [Spotter Marine] I
fucking think he needs to.
- I'm with you.
Let's do another set.
- Let's go.
- Whew.
- Think you got three?
- [Lifting Marine] Oh, I got five, baby.
- Ah, let's go.
- This is light work.
(lifting Marine groans)
Wait.
- Let's go, come on, man.
- I got three,
I got three, I got three,
I got three, I got three.
- Ah, come on, let's go.
- I got two, I got two, I got two.
(spotter Marine laughs)
(barbell clunks)
- [Lifting Marine] Fuck me,
they're getting heavier-
- You little bitch.
- [Lifting Marine]
THey're getting heavier.
(men smooching)
(dog barking)
(man clears throat)
(goats bleating)
(dog barking)
(goats bleating)
(chair clunking)
(energetic Middle Eastern music)
- Staff Sgt. Rich!
- Chaplain Kelly!
(Kelly laughs)
How you doing?
- Aw!
- Good to see you.
- And you too.
What are you, how are you still growing?
What the hell?
- Oh, what do you, my
Irish grandmother? (laughs)
- Oh, you're good for my posture.
- Come on in, make yourself comfortable.
- Yeah, no, you know what?
(bag thunks)
I'm kind of excited to get out there,
and start prepping for the soul
saving, and the ceremonies.
- [Rich] Oh, do your thing, of course,
I would expect nothing less.
- Yeah, well, well, yeah,
I always kinda believe that
every time I save a soul,
I think maybe I'm saving
a little bit of mine too.
But if that's the case, it's
gonna take a long, long time,
and a lot of work.
- Oh, well, there's a shit ton of souls
to be saved on this PB Chaps.
- Yeah, well, let's get
started, what do you say?
All right.
Who do you think needs a
little special guidance
for this visit?
- Sgt. Bishop, sir.
- Bishop.
- I think the Afghans are
starting to get to him.
- Yeah.
- They don't all appreciate
his shade of green,
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, I do.
- But he forgets, they're
not all the enemy.
- No.
How's Lt. Murphy doing?
- Well, fuck, Lt. Murphy,
Jesus Christ. (spits)
(Velcro rasping)
Well, Murph's Murph, sir.
He still wants to slay
bodies and kick down doors
like he's still a fucking lance corporal.
- Yeah, I figured.
- And he still collects war trophies.
- Oh shit.
(Velcro rasping)
- Yeah, fucking I've lost count
of all the ears and fingers he has.
(Velco rasping)
- Take the vest off.
Go ahead, we'll wait.
(Velcro rasping)
(Velcro rasping)
(Velcro rasping)
(vest clunks)
God.
(Rich spits)
Where were we?
- He's a good leader.
(Kelly mmhmms)
The men love him.
I'm just scared this crazy
stupid bloodlust shit
is starting to get to the
men's heads, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, well,
listen, between you and me,
we can't let that happen.
- Hallelujah, sir.
- Yeah.
(Kelly sniffs)
All right, who deserves
special recognition?
- Bishop's new Marine, Barky.
- Barky.
- Got his first kill,
and a hand-to-hand kill all at once.
- (laughs) Ooh, savage!
(Rich mmhmms)
Write that down.
And what about men with cheating wives?
- Latest is my RO, PFC Peltier.
- Peltier.
- He just got a dear John letter.
- Aw, shit.
- .Yeah, poor kid, only 19.
- Yeah, damn shame.
Well.
All right, let's rock and roll.
Oh, I don't suppose
any of our ANP brothers
could use some saving today?
Then I'll tell you what, I
would consider this visit
a triumph if I can just
convert one, just, just one.
- I don't think you brought
enough holy water for that.
Plus we're losing them left and right,
so do your best with what we left.
- I will.
- [Rich] Rich.
- [Kelly] RP!
- Fucking RPs, man.
(tent flap rustles)
- This faggot- (speaking foreign language)
(ANP laughs)
- (scoffs) Geez.
(Kelly whimpers)
- [Kelly] (scoffs) Geez.
(books rustling)
- Amen.
(Kelly smooches)
(POW speaking foreign language)
- [Marine On Phone] All right,
how can I help you, sir?
- Yes, hello.
Eh, this is Mohammed Buhtpaki.
I would like to have a meeting
with your battalion commander.
- [Marine On Phone] That's a tall ask,
what's it about, sir?
- Yes, I have a new HVT for him.
- [Marine On Phone] And
what makes him an HVT, sir?
- Oh, a Taliban leader
that is involved in, um,
IED building.
- [Marine On Phone] Oh, that's a good one.
- Drug smuggling.
- [Marine On Phone] I like that.
- And militant training.
- [Marine On Phone] Now we're talking.
- Yes. (chuckles)
- [Marine On Phone] All right,
I'm gonna run this info up the chain,
and we'll get back to you, Mr. Bukkake.
Thanks for calling in!
- Buhtpaki!
How they, what, why?
(tent flap rustling)
(tent flap rustling)
- You see clearly, Hakeem.
(Kelly laughs)
- [Kelly] Hmm?
- Mm.
(plane engine growling)
Mm.
Vince the prince.
- Holy shit!
(Kelly laughing)
- [Kelly] Come get some sugar.
- Chaps!
(Kelly laughing)
- Oh!
(laughing) Good to see you.
- Good to see you, chaplain.
- (laughing) Oh, look at that.
Yeah, sweet looking bar!
(Murphy mmhmms)
Second Lieutenant Murphy.
- For sure.
- (laughing) You know,
somebody told me a rumor
that you decided to cross
over, but I didn't believe it.
- Yeah, well, I had to
come to the dark side
for a couple years,
just to prevent the shit
from rolling onto the guys
until I got out or got fired.
(Kelly mmhmms)
- Yeah, you've always been
a rebel, but with a cause,
all right?
- You know why?
'Cause fuck the man, chaplain, that's why.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, how's Afghanistan treating you anyway?
- Well, Helmand's got
plenty of shitheads to kill.
- Yeah.
- So, that's fun, but it's no Fallujah.
- Oh.
You really miss Fallujah?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Fallujah was the fucking
time of my life, chaps.
- Hmm.
- Kinda never left.
- I guess not. (chuckles)
Yeah, I hear you.
Well, listen.
(Kelly chuckles)
- Hey, you know what?
I gotta get back to the boys.
Gimme a hug.
Good to see you, chaplain.
- Yeah, right, yeah, right, right.
- [Murphy] I will see
you at the ceremonies.
- Got it, you got it, you got it.
Well, I think I'm gonna need
some help with that one.
(Marine rustling)
Not that kinda help.
(Marines indistinct)
(Marine shushing)
- War be with you.
- And also with you.
- Please be seated.
Muzzle up.
(gun clicking)
War be with you, sir.
- [Marine] And also with you.
- Ah.
- Just go, Sir, just get
away from him, just go on.
(Marine shushing)
- Good evening, marines!
(Marines hooting)
(Kelly chuckles)
Wanna do some praying with me?
- Rah!
(Marines grunting)
- Yeah, I think we all need it.
Lords Odin and Jesus!
Bless us as we drain our enemies
of their blood so swiftly
that they see it leave their
bodies before they die.
- That's right!
- Yeah!
(Marines grunting)
- And bless and protect our
souls in recognition of our duty
and sacrifice as warriors.
And afterward,
and afterward,
let us come home to inner peace.
Oh.
Kill and amen!
- [Marines] Kill!
- Marines to be awarded, center!
March.
Hand-to-hand kill,
and first kill.
(canteen squeaking)
- The name of our God.
(holy water splashing)
(canteen clinks)
(canteen clinks)
(Kelly and Barky grunt)
(Marines oohing)
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Eat, eat the blessing,
the pain, the blessing.
- The blessing.
- Come on, come on.
- Ah.
- Mm.
- Good work
- Post.
March.
- [Marine] Damn, shit!
(Kelly chuckles)
- And now who requests the prophecy?
- Here!
- Shit!
- Right here, right here.
(paper rustling)
(paper rustling)
- Warriors, hearing a
prophecy is dangerous.
Because you may hear things
you don't wanna hear.
I mean, I've heard cheating whores,
living a wonderful life
with their new loves.
Yeah.
And for some of you, the
pain of hearing that,
yeah, you're better off not to.
- Oh, really?
- In fact, one time, one time,
the marine was killed
by his cheating wife!
Hmm.
- Marine, Chaps!
- Peltier, front and center.
- [Marine] Damn, he ain't
dancing no more, man.
Think he'll ever dance again?
- About face.
Hmm.
The woman dies in childbirth!
(Marines cheering and shouting)
(Marines applauding
and chanting "Peltier")
♪ I think you gotta do it ♪
- [Marine] So, hey, Peltier,
you better fucking dance, bitch.
♪ Once like this, go and get the music ♪
(Marines cheering)
♪ A million just degrees,
suggest you use it ♪
♪ Put the beat through the heat ♪
♪ Put the restaurant through trip ♪
♪ The bitch won't even see you ♪
♪ When she tries to scoop it ♪
(Marines chanting "Peltier")
♪ But you gotta get stupid ♪
♪ I'm thinking icy 40, so
you can defeat the movement ♪
- All right, all right!
- All right, all right, oh.
♪ Feet get moving, I'll put the ♪
- More prophecy.
And the child grows up
and becomes a marine.
- Aw!
- Oh!
Oh!
- What the fuck?
- Fuck me!
- That shit literally
writes itself!
- What MOS?
- Please be supply!
- Please be a cook.
- [Goldie] A combat cook.
(Marine laughs)
- Infantry.
- No!
- Fuck!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- Bullshit!
- Fuck this!
The cycle continues!
- This is why we're like this!
- And now, warriors, I have
a special announcement.
One of our ANP brothers
would like to be baptized
as a fellow warrior of our gods.
Hmm?
Sgt. Bishop, I will need
you to be godfather.
(Bishop sighs)
State the name of the
entrance to the church
before our gods.
- He is Hakeem.
- [Kelly] Hmm, and as godfather,
do you accept responsibility for training,
and raising Hakeem in the
practice of our warrior faith?
- Yes, father.
- [Kelly] Hold him down.
- Trust me, my child, don't
be a little bitch before Odin.
Prepare him for the holy water.
- [Kelly] Live beyond the fear of death!
(water sloshing)
(Marine laughing)
(Hakeem choking)
- [Marine] Take it like a man!
- In the churches of Odin-
- Odin loves this!
- And Jesus.
(Hakeem coughing)
(water sloshing)
(Hakeem coughing)
Well done.
- Oh God!
(warm organ music)
Oh God!
- Good man.
(Hakeem whimpering)
Let him go.
(Hakeem gasps)
(Kelly chuckles)
- [Kelly] Good man, okay, okay, all right.
All right, all right, man.
(Marines applauding)
- All right, man.
Good shit.
(Marines applauding)
- Who's next? (chuckles)
(Marines applauding)
♪ America ♪
(POW speaking foreign language)
(hand claps)
(Hakeem muffled)
(Hakeem whimpering)
♪ Christ will come one day ♪
(knife clinks)
♪ Christ has died ♪
♪ Christ is risen ♪
- Please, kill me!
♪ Christ will come again ♪
- Allah!
- Allah!
- Allah!
♪ Jesus saves ♪
- Allah!
♪ Odin kills ♪
♪ Allah lets you down ♪
♪ I just love blasphemy ♪
♪ It is blasphemy ♪
(intense rock music)
(thunder rumbling)
(electricity arcing)
- [Marine] Present, sir!
(chalk squeaking)
(electricity arcing)
- [Sgt Bishop] Chaplain Kelly!
What the fuck?
(Kelly laughing)
It's so good to see you
again, man, how you doing?
- How ya doing?
Oh, Sgt. Bishop, how about you?
- All right, well, man,
look, I'm feeling inspired.
- Good, good, good, good, good.
- But what you got going on for us today?
- Well,
honor your kills-
- All right.
- Protect your souls,
and damn your cheating wives.
- (laughs) Fuck them!
- You know, on my last PB, I
cured one marine of herpes.
- What?
- It was a miracle!
- Oh yeah, gospel truth.
- Kelly!
- Chaps Kelly!
- [Marine] Yo, chaps, want some head?
Chaps, I'll suck your dick!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- Holy shit, are you out
of your goddamn mind?
Is that titties?
- Earn this shit, son.
- Is that titties?
Oh, I see it!
- Or nobody's gonna know.
(Marines shouting over each other)
- All right, look!
Now you'll be fucking
disciplined at the formation, no!
- [Marine] All right, you got it,
don't try shooting at it, let's go!
(angelic choir music)
- [Marine] Goddammit, I said!
- Get up in front of Chaps, get up!
Get up, goddamn, man!
- Goddamn.
- [Marine] Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Chaps, help!
(Marines shouting)
- [Marine] Bro!
- I can't believe-
- Bro, you see it?
(Marines shouting over each other)
- [Bishop] Marines, fall in!
- [Marine] Rah
- Look!
Titties away.
Atten hut!
(Marines rattling)
- Marines, it's truly an honor
to be here with you today.
Hell, I've spent the last
30 years visiting bases
in the most disgusting shitholes
on this beautiful planet.
And if there's one thing
that has stayed consistent,
it's that I always get a hard on
when I'm around Marine grunts!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- [Marine] Sir!
- Now, I'm not here for
long, boys, and we've,
well, we got a busy schedule
in the next few days, all right?
So, tonight, we celebrate
those who succeeded
on the battlefield by taking
the lives of our enemies.
- Rah!
- Then, then if you
wish, we can do an oracle
for our cheating wives, and tomorrow,
we'll do confession to clean some
of those filthy souls of yours.
- [Marine] Ooh!
- Now,
if any of you have any
questions, I have a few minutes
before I start preparing
for the ceremonies.
- Marines, on my command, you'll fall out!
The only way that you ask
questions in an orderly,
respectful, reverent,
fucking manner, got it?
Fall out!
- What's gonna happen with
Peltier's cheating whore wife?
- Did you really get 345 kills?
- Who do you have at the Super Bowl?
- Is true you invented holy waterboarding?
- Can you really turn water into whiskey?
- [Marine] How come
Peltier's wife won't fuck me?
- I second that!
- Well, she did fuck me.
(Kelly and Marines laugh)
- Is it true that you fucked
the 34th commandant's daughter?
(tense synth music sting)
(dramatic intense breathing)
(angelic choir music)
(Marines cheering)
(Marines hooting)
- [Marine] All right!
(intense rock music)
(Marines cheering)
(Kelly chuckling)
- [Marine] Got that holy thing.
- [Kelly] America.
(bag rustling)
- No.
(ANP speaking foreign language)
- I don't indulge with this.
(holy water sloshing)
(ANP gasps)
Now, don't worry, my son,
Jesus still loves you.
(holy water sloshing)
(Superman gasps)
(Quad spits)
I don't know about Allah though.
- Ah.
- Come on.
- [Marine] I got one more, I got one.
- Gimme one more, let's go.
One more.
(Marine grunts)
One more, you got it.
Good, good.
(Marine grunts)
(barbell clinking)
Hey, bro.
- [Marine] What's up?
- I've been thinking, in Iraq,
didn't LT have to talk to chaps
about those fucking weird ass
war trophies he was doing?
- Yeah.
You think he should talk to chaps again?
- [Spotter Marine] I
think he needs fucking to.
- Makes sense.
- Hey!
Hey!
(barbell clinks)
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You training for the Navy, you fucks?
Get outta here.
Secure the fucking gossip, all right?
- [Spotter Marine] Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- [Sitting Marine] Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Look, you're not wrong,
but I don't want the
troops hearing that shit.
- Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Roger that, Staff Sgt.
- Carry on.
- Think he's gonna say something?
- [Spotter Marine] I
fucking think he needs to.
- I'm with you.
Let's do another set.
- Let's go.
- Whew.
- Think you got three?
- [Lifting Marine] Oh, I got five, baby.
- Ah, let's go.
- This is light work.
(lifting Marine groans)
Wait.
- Let's go, come on, man.
- I got three,
I got three, I got three,
I got three, I got three.
- Ah, come on, let's go.
- I got two, I got two, I got two.
(spotter Marine laughs)
(barbell clunks)
- [Lifting Marine] Fuck me,
they're getting heavier-
- You little bitch.
- [Lifting Marine]
THey're getting heavier.
(men smooching)
(dog barking)
(man clears throat)
(goats bleating)
(dog barking)
(goats bleating)
(chair clunking)
(energetic Middle Eastern music)
- Staff Sgt. Rich!
- Chaplain Kelly!
(Kelly laughs)
How you doing?
- Aw!
- Good to see you.
- And you too.
What are you, how are you still growing?
What the hell?
- Oh, what do you, my
Irish grandmother? (laughs)
- Oh, you're good for my posture.
- Come on in, make yourself comfortable.
- Yeah, no, you know what?
(bag thunks)
I'm kind of excited to get out there,
and start prepping for the soul
saving, and the ceremonies.
- [Rich] Oh, do your thing, of course,
I would expect nothing less.
- Yeah, well, well, yeah,
I always kinda believe that
every time I save a soul,
I think maybe I'm saving
a little bit of mine too.
But if that's the case, it's
gonna take a long, long time,
and a lot of work.
- Oh, well, there's a shit ton of souls
to be saved on this PB Chaps.
- Yeah, well, let's get
started, what do you say?
All right.
Who do you think needs a
little special guidance
for this visit?
- Sgt. Bishop, sir.
- Bishop.
- I think the Afghans are
starting to get to him.
- Yeah.
- They don't all appreciate
his shade of green,
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, I do.
- But he forgets, they're
not all the enemy.
- No.
How's Lt. Murphy doing?
- Well, fuck, Lt. Murphy,
Jesus Christ. (spits)
(Velcro rasping)
Well, Murph's Murph, sir.
He still wants to slay
bodies and kick down doors
like he's still a fucking lance corporal.
- Yeah, I figured.
- And he still collects war trophies.
- Oh shit.
(Velcro rasping)
- Yeah, fucking I've lost count
of all the ears and fingers he has.
(Velco rasping)
- Take the vest off.
Go ahead, we'll wait.
(Velcro rasping)
(Velcro rasping)
(Velcro rasping)
(vest clunks)
God.
(Rich spits)
Where were we?
- He's a good leader.
(Kelly mmhmms)
The men love him.
I'm just scared this crazy
stupid bloodlust shit
is starting to get to the
men's heads, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, well,
listen, between you and me,
we can't let that happen.
- Hallelujah, sir.
- Yeah.
(Kelly sniffs)
All right, who deserves
special recognition?
- Bishop's new Marine, Barky.
- Barky.
- Got his first kill,
and a hand-to-hand kill all at once.
- (laughs) Ooh, savage!
(Rich mmhmms)
Write that down.
And what about men with cheating wives?
- Latest is my RO, PFC Peltier.
- Peltier.
- He just got a dear John letter.
- Aw, shit.
- .Yeah, poor kid, only 19.
- Yeah, damn shame.
Well.
All right, let's rock and roll.
Oh, I don't suppose
any of our ANP brothers
could use some saving today?
Then I'll tell you what, I
would consider this visit
a triumph if I can just
convert one, just, just one.
- I don't think you brought
enough holy water for that.
Plus we're losing them left and right,
so do your best with what we left.
- I will.
- [Rich] Rich.
- [Kelly] RP!
- Fucking RPs, man.
(tent flap rustles)
- This faggot- (speaking foreign language)
(ANP laughs)
- (scoffs) Geez.
(Kelly whimpers)
- [Kelly] (scoffs) Geez.
(books rustling)
- Amen.
(Kelly smooches)
(POW speaking foreign language)
- [Marine On Phone] All right,
how can I help you, sir?
- Yes, hello.
Eh, this is Mohammed Buhtpaki.
I would like to have a meeting
with your battalion commander.
- [Marine On Phone] That's a tall ask,
what's it about, sir?
- Yes, I have a new HVT for him.
- [Marine On Phone] And
what makes him an HVT, sir?
- Oh, a Taliban leader
that is involved in, um,
IED building.
- [Marine On Phone] Oh, that's a good one.
- Drug smuggling.
- [Marine On Phone] I like that.
- And militant training.
- [Marine On Phone] Now we're talking.
- Yes. (chuckles)
- [Marine On Phone] All right,
I'm gonna run this info up the chain,
and we'll get back to you, Mr. Bukkake.
Thanks for calling in!
- Buhtpaki!
How they, what, why?
(tent flap rustling)
(tent flap rustling)
- You see clearly, Hakeem.
(Kelly laughs)
- [Kelly] Hmm?
- Mm.
(plane engine growling)
Mm.
Vince the prince.
- Holy shit!
(Kelly laughing)
- [Kelly] Come get some sugar.
- Chaps!
(Kelly laughing)
- Oh!
(laughing) Good to see you.
- Good to see you, chaplain.
- (laughing) Oh, look at that.
Yeah, sweet looking bar!
(Murphy mmhmms)
Second Lieutenant Murphy.
- For sure.
- (laughing) You know,
somebody told me a rumor
that you decided to cross
over, but I didn't believe it.
- Yeah, well, I had to
come to the dark side
for a couple years,
just to prevent the shit
from rolling onto the guys
until I got out or got fired.
(Kelly mmhmms)
- Yeah, you've always been
a rebel, but with a cause,
all right?
- You know why?
'Cause fuck the man, chaplain, that's why.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, how's Afghanistan treating you anyway?
- Well, Helmand's got
plenty of shitheads to kill.
- Yeah.
- So, that's fun, but it's no Fallujah.
- Oh.
You really miss Fallujah?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Fallujah was the fucking
time of my life, chaps.
- Hmm.
- Kinda never left.
- I guess not. (chuckles)
Yeah, I hear you.
Well, listen.
(Kelly chuckles)
- Hey, you know what?
I gotta get back to the boys.
Gimme a hug.
Good to see you, chaplain.
- Yeah, right, yeah, right, right.
- [Murphy] I will see
you at the ceremonies.
- Got it, you got it, you got it.
Well, I think I'm gonna need
some help with that one.
(Marine rustling)
Not that kinda help.
(Marines indistinct)
(Marine shushing)
- War be with you.
- And also with you.
- Please be seated.
Muzzle up.
(gun clicking)
War be with you, sir.
- [Marine] And also with you.
- Ah.
- Just go, Sir, just get
away from him, just go on.
(Marine shushing)
- Good evening, marines!
(Marines hooting)
(Kelly chuckles)
Wanna do some praying with me?
- Rah!
(Marines grunting)
- Yeah, I think we all need it.
Lords Odin and Jesus!
Bless us as we drain our enemies
of their blood so swiftly
that they see it leave their
bodies before they die.
- That's right!
- Yeah!
(Marines grunting)
- And bless and protect our
souls in recognition of our duty
and sacrifice as warriors.
And afterward,
and afterward,
let us come home to inner peace.
Oh.
Kill and amen!
- [Marines] Kill!
- Marines to be awarded, center!
March.
Hand-to-hand kill,
and first kill.
(canteen squeaking)
- The name of our God.
(holy water splashing)
(canteen clinks)
(canteen clinks)
(Kelly and Barky grunt)
(Marines oohing)
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Eat, eat the blessing,
the pain, the blessing.
- The blessing.
- Come on, come on.
- Ah.
- Mm.
- Good work
- Post.
March.
- [Marine] Damn, shit!
(Kelly chuckles)
- And now who requests the prophecy?
- Here!
- Shit!
- Right here, right here.
(paper rustling)
(paper rustling)
- Warriors, hearing a
prophecy is dangerous.
Because you may hear things
you don't wanna hear.
I mean, I've heard cheating whores,
living a wonderful life
with their new loves.
Yeah.
And for some of you, the
pain of hearing that,
yeah, you're better off not to.
- Oh, really?
- In fact, one time, one time,
the marine was killed
by his cheating wife!
Hmm.
- Marine, Chaps!
- Peltier, front and center.
- [Marine] Damn, he ain't
dancing no more, man.
Think he'll ever dance again?
- About face.
Hmm.
The woman dies in childbirth!
(Marines cheering and shouting)
(Marines applauding
and chanting "Peltier")
♪ I think you gotta do it ♪
- [Marine] So, hey, Peltier,
you better fucking dance, bitch.
♪ Once like this, go and get the music ♪
(Marines cheering)
♪ A million just degrees,
suggest you use it ♪
♪ Put the beat through the heat ♪
♪ Put the restaurant through trip ♪
♪ The bitch won't even see you ♪
♪ When she tries to scoop it ♪
(Marines chanting "Peltier")
♪ But you gotta get stupid ♪
♪ I'm thinking icy 40, so
you can defeat the movement ♪
- All right, all right!
- All right, all right, oh.
♪ Feet get moving, I'll put the ♪
- More prophecy.
And the child grows up
and becomes a marine.
- Aw!
- Oh!
Oh!
- What the fuck?
- Fuck me!
- That shit literally
writes itself!
- What MOS?
- Please be supply!
- Please be a cook.
- [Goldie] A combat cook.
(Marine laughs)
- Infantry.
- No!
- Fuck!
(Marines shouting over each other)
- Bullshit!
- Fuck this!
The cycle continues!
- This is why we're like this!
- And now, warriors, I have
a special announcement.
One of our ANP brothers
would like to be baptized
as a fellow warrior of our gods.
Hmm?
Sgt. Bishop, I will need
you to be godfather.
(Bishop sighs)
State the name of the
entrance to the church
before our gods.
- He is Hakeem.
- [Kelly] Hmm, and as godfather,
do you accept responsibility for training,
and raising Hakeem in the
practice of our warrior faith?
- Yes, father.
- [Kelly] Hold him down.
- Trust me, my child, don't
be a little bitch before Odin.
Prepare him for the holy water.
- [Kelly] Live beyond the fear of death!
(water sloshing)
(Marine laughing)
(Hakeem choking)
- [Marine] Take it like a man!
- In the churches of Odin-
- Odin loves this!
- And Jesus.
(Hakeem coughing)
(water sloshing)
(Hakeem coughing)
Well done.
- Oh God!
(warm organ music)
Oh God!
- Good man.
(Hakeem whimpering)
Let him go.
(Hakeem gasps)
(Kelly chuckles)
- [Kelly] Good man, okay, okay, all right.
All right, all right, man.
(Marines applauding)
- All right, man.
Good shit.
(Marines applauding)
- Who's next? (chuckles)
(Marines applauding)
♪ America ♪
(POW speaking foreign language)
(hand claps)
(Hakeem muffled)
(Hakeem whimpering)
♪ Christ will come one day ♪
(knife clinks)
♪ Christ has died ♪
♪ Christ is risen ♪
- Please, kill me!
♪ Christ will come again ♪
- Allah!
- Allah!
- Allah!
♪ Jesus saves ♪
- Allah!
♪ Odin kills ♪
♪ Allah lets you down ♪
♪ I just love blasphemy ♪
♪ It is blasphemy ♪
(intense rock music)
(thunder rumbling)
(electricity arcing)
- [Marine] Present, sir!
(chalk squeaking)