A Grunt's Life (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Thanks for Listening - full transcript
Second Lieutenant Murphy zeroes in on Buhtpaki.
(electricity crackles)
(tense music)
- [Marine] Our marines
are battle hardened.
And they are prepared to do
whatever it takes to win, sir.
- We're here for Maleek Monsoor.
- What exactly does winning look like?
No civilian casualties.
(gun fires)
(Marine screams)
We've gotta fight smarter.
(Marine screams)
- Ouch!
(Marine laughs)
- Afghanistan has a
bright future, gentlemen.
We're gonna create it.
(people shout and scream)
Runner
- This guy's gonna be
a very valuable asset
for 7th Marines.
- [Marine] We made it very
clear that making friends
with the local leaders
is a key to success.
- I'm the personal hit squad
for a fucking war lord.
How do you not see this?
- Buhtpaki?
- Yes, Buhtpaki.
- Buhtpaki is not a fucking Lord of War.
- Fox Company is going to get reinforced
with an ANP Unit.
- So this is the best
of the Afghan best, huh?
- This is not a conventional war.
This is coin, do you understand that?
- [Marine] This is a soft
knock to detain the target.
Fire in the hole
(bomb explodes)
How is the ANP integration coming along?
(Marines shout)
- You done fucked up.
(Marines shout)
(person screams)
- [Marine] Burn, baby, burn.
(people speak a foreign language)
- Good? Huh, good?
Dammit.
Really fucking good job.
(person speaks a foreign language)
Trash. Fucking trash.
All right, here we go.
We're gonna be facing...
(indistinct muttering)
Face this way.
Here we go.
(guns fire)
- Heh heh, Taliban.
- What the fuck is he... ?
- [Marine] Oh man.
Look at him out there doing his bullshit.
- God damn cheap...
Fucking stupid ass...
Again.
(soldier speaks a foreign language)
(guns fire)
Here we go, again.
(man speaks a foreign language)
Oh. Oh.
You fucking suck!
Look at me.
Fuck, shit! God dammit!
(intense rock music)
- [Fox 8] Fox One, this is Fox Eight.
I need to talk to One Bravo.
Whenever you're ready, Fox One.
Take your time.
- Eight's on the line
for you, staff sergeant.
- [Fox 8] You're really
testing my patience, Fox One.
- Hey.
Better to find out she's a whore now
than when you're three
kids and mortgage deep.
- [Fox 8] I guess you
wanna play games, Fox One.
- Rah, staff sergeant.
- Eight, this is One Bravo.
- [Fox 8] Chaplain Kelly is visiting
Fox Company's AO this week.
And lucky for you, he's coming
to your patrol base today,
so make sure your marines are ready.
I don't wanna hear about
any more shit baggery.
Is that clear?
- That's an affirm on
Chaplain Kelly coming.
The sooner the better.
One Bravo out.
Chaps will help.
- Fucking Chaps, man.
It's Chaps.
- All my damn life.
Doing the same fucking shit.
No matter the stage.
No matter the location.
Nigger this, nigger that.
Look at that nigger over there.
I'm going to visit my aunt.
She owns a store out in the country.
Motherfucking rednecks
smell like fucking cow piss
and shit.
God damn harassing us.
Hey Cleetus,
those coons over there
better not leech off us.
(indistinct)
Family makes a little bit more money.
Get out the hood, go to the suburbs.
And they're like,
Shut the fuck up.
Then I come here.
Fucking Afghanistan.
No fucker's gonna God damn
take a shit in front of me.
Telling me, I'm nigger shit.
This motherfucking third
world fucking country.
Y'all came across the fucking
God damn wheel last week.
No running water, no electricity.
Washing your clothes
in the same place you
take a piss and shit in.
And you think I'm beneath you?
Get the fuck out of here man.
No.
I am sick and tired of
this fucking racist shit.
It hurts my soul.
Eats away at it like fucking necrosis.
So when's fucking gonna stop man, right?
Thanks for listening.
For what it's worth.
Appreciate you.
One second.
(prisoner groans)
(person laughs)
(door knocks)
- Ah.
Ah!
(person laughs)
(Abdul laughs)
(Abdul laughs)
- Ah!
(gun fires)
(person laughs)
(person speaks a foreign language)
- Hey, corporal.
Any chance you can get this genie going
before Chaps arrives?
- Yeah, I think we ran
out of batteries too.
- First off, don't you worry about me
doing my fucking job,
which side note, will
be a whole lot easier
if you two fucked off.
Second, why have you got
your tiny brown britches
twisted over some little boy
fingering Chaplain anyway?
- Are you kidding me?
You don't know who Chaplain Kelly is?
He's known throughout the
corps as a holy warrior.
He served in 'Nam! Desert Storm!
Invasion of Afghanistan, invasion of Iraq,
Phantom Fury, Ramadi 05 and 06.
- He saves souls, blesses our kills,
and gives prophecies to cheating wives.
- Whatever.
I was in Ramadi in 05.
I don't remember seeing
him running around.
- No shit.
What were you doing there?
- My job, shit dick.
Wherever there's a genie
on a PB, there's me.
The fuck were you boots doing in 05?
- Smashin' trash.
- I was 15.
What was Ramadi like?
- Their mortar fire was accurate as fuck.
Convoying out, that was intense.
IEDs everywhere. Multiple ambushes.
Good thing was they
couldn't shoot for shit.
(all laugh)
- Nice. Hey, you smoke anyone?
- Most of the time, we're
trying to get out of kill zones,
I'm shooting everything that moves.
No time for dead checks.
- [Marine] Yo, my dick is hard right now.
- Hey, I still wanna fuck.
- He's your battalion's oracle of HVTs.
- Yeah well, every one
of these HVTs he gives us
is scared to death of him.
It's like he's shaking
them down or something.
- Our intel bubbas,
they went through his cell phone records.
What they found was
literally a fucking Rolodex
of shit heads in the AO.
Taliban, IED makers, you name it.
- Call that many bad
guys up to have a chat,
you're a fucking bad guy too.
- Yeah well, everyone in the battalion
thinks he's a fucking saint.
It's like he's got a fucking
guardian angel or something.
- Murph,
between us girls, that guardian angel
might just be a three letter agency.
- Ugh, you dirty fucks.
Have you told the BC
about this fucking turd?
- Doesn't matter. It's
not in their priorities.
They care about four sets of metrics.
New bases being built,
Afghan troops being deployed,
civilian casualties and
HVTs being rounded up
and processed through the
Afghan judicial system.
And Buhtpaki's making
them look like rock stars
in that last metric.
- Mm.
- But you start messing
with Buhtpaki and his HVTs
and you start messing
with officer promotions.
We can't have that.
- Mm-mm.
- Welcome to the officer corps buddy.
- Come on!
Come on!
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh.
- Be like that little
twink teacher I choked out
in the sixth grade and come back to life.
(generator starts)
Come on, Bessie Sue.
- Fuck yeah.
Oh, oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Paper cut! Paper cut!
- Hey, calm down, calm down.
Oh my God, this is priority.
- Priority?
- Relax, relax, we're
gonna put pressure here.
Give me your hand, give me your hand.
All right, relax, I'm gonna
go get the tourniquet.
- So what's up with this Chaps guy?
- He was a grunt in Vietnam.
Apparently, he smoked just
as many dudes as Hathcock.
- Impossible.
- Then at some point,
switched over to Chaplain.
He's been coming to marine corps base
and combat zones ever since,
just to keep the morale up.
- No shit?
But does he fuck though?
- Probably.
- Probably not.
Pussy.
- I don't get it.
I mean, no offense but
where does all this confidence come from?
- I don't know.
You're a halfway decent looking guy.
Why are you such a bitch?
- That's what I'm talking about.
You don't give a fuck.
It's fucking...
It's inspiring.
- Daddy was a roughneck piece of shit.
Spent most of his time
on the rigs in the Gulf,
and the rest of the
year on the river boats.
And when he was home,
all I ever heard was how ugly I am,
how useless I was
and how nobody would ever love me.
If you hear that shit long enough,
you start to believe it.
You believe that shit long
enough, you stop caring.
You stop caring long enough,
you grow balls bigger
than you faggots got.
- Will you be my mommy?
Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- All right, so how do I expose Buhtpaki
if the brass is on his jock?
- Well, you gotta snatch
up one of the guys
Buhtpaki wants taken out.
A high level guy. Bring him back alive.
Then make him sing in front of the BC.
- Okay.
- But first you need to stop
harassing these poor farmers.
You wanna see a real HVT Murph?
This guy, this guy right here?
He's a real HVT.
Not some lowly fucking poppy farmer.
- Can I take this with me?
- No.
- Okay.
Well, this is still some
fucking good shit, gents.
- Go pick this fucker off, Murph.
- We can use some fresh
blood in the province.
- Mm.
Okay, well,
it's kind of creepy but
my dick is still hard.
- Mine is too.
- We aim to please.
- Appreciate the help, gents.
- Happy hunting.
- You hungry, little buddy?
Do you want some food?
Don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
I'll feed you.
Here comes the hijacked airplane.
(Marine makes childish plane sounds)
(indistinct)
- [Marine] I say again, first
platoon Helo 6 is en route.
Shit, is this for real?
Has he really come?
(indistinct)
- Hey, gather round, gather round!
Gather round!
Take the titties down!
- Sergeant, these are vintage.
- What?
Cover them up then.
Listen, Chaps is one of
the most important men
that you'll meet in marine corps, got it?
You know Mattiss?
- [Group] Yeah.
- Chesty?
- [Marine] Sure.
- Commandants, right?
- Yeah.
- Fuck them. He's more important.
When I was in Iraq, I watched this man
turn ordinary marines
into Godly
fucking
warriors!
- How does he do that, sarge...?
(indistinct shouting)
- He was a tunnel rat in Vietnam, okay?
Legend has it
he's killed way too many people.
- Impossible, get the fuck out of here-
(indistinct shouting)
- But now what he does is he
goes around all the grunts
on front lines
and performs kill ceremony.
- Ooh!
- Your first kill.
Double kill.
Hand to hand kill.
And if you're lucky, if you're lucky,
he'll do a prophecy on cheating wives.
- Oh!
- Hey, just so you know,
whatever he predicts
will happen to that bitch.
Sometimes it's great too.
Like maybe she'll
get in a wreck, crash and burn, right?
Scorched alive.
Other times, she'll move
on to live a happier life
with another man that's
better than you in every way.
Every way.
But that's neither here nor there.
Just point is, it's dangerous,
but the risk is worth
the reward gentlemen.
- Better do a first kill ritual for Barky.
- Yeah!
- I bet he'll do a prophecy on
Peltier's cheating ass wife.
- Oh shit!
- Hopefully that bitch will burn in hell!
- Oh, give me the fire
man, give me the fire.
- All right. Gather yourselves!
God. Come on.
- Chaplain Kelly!
What the fuck, it's so
good to see you again man!
How you doing?
- How you doing?
(indistinct)
- What have you got going on for us today?
- Honor your kills.
Protect your souls.
And damn your cheating wives.
- Fuck 'em!
- You know, my last PB,
I cured one Marine of herpes.
- It's a miracle.
- Oh yeah, gospel truth.
(upbeat rock music)
(electricity crackles)
(tense music)
- [Marine] Our marines
are battle hardened.
And they are prepared to do
whatever it takes to win, sir.
- We're here for Maleek Monsoor.
- What exactly does winning look like?
No civilian casualties.
(gun fires)
(Marine screams)
We've gotta fight smarter.
(Marine screams)
- Ouch!
(Marine laughs)
- Afghanistan has a
bright future, gentlemen.
We're gonna create it.
(people shout and scream)
Runner
- This guy's gonna be
a very valuable asset
for 7th Marines.
- [Marine] We made it very
clear that making friends
with the local leaders
is a key to success.
- I'm the personal hit squad
for a fucking war lord.
How do you not see this?
- Buhtpaki?
- Yes, Buhtpaki.
- Buhtpaki is not a fucking Lord of War.
- Fox Company is going to get reinforced
with an ANP Unit.
- So this is the best
of the Afghan best, huh?
- This is not a conventional war.
This is coin, do you understand that?
- [Marine] This is a soft
knock to detain the target.
Fire in the hole
(bomb explodes)
How is the ANP integration coming along?
(Marines shout)
- You done fucked up.
(Marines shout)
(person screams)
- [Marine] Burn, baby, burn.
(people speak a foreign language)
- Good? Huh, good?
Dammit.
Really fucking good job.
(person speaks a foreign language)
Trash. Fucking trash.
All right, here we go.
We're gonna be facing...
(indistinct muttering)
Face this way.
Here we go.
(guns fire)
- Heh heh, Taliban.
- What the fuck is he... ?
- [Marine] Oh man.
Look at him out there doing his bullshit.
- God damn cheap...
Fucking stupid ass...
Again.
(soldier speaks a foreign language)
(guns fire)
Here we go, again.
(man speaks a foreign language)
Oh. Oh.
You fucking suck!
Look at me.
Fuck, shit! God dammit!
(intense rock music)
- [Fox 8] Fox One, this is Fox Eight.
I need to talk to One Bravo.
Whenever you're ready, Fox One.
Take your time.
- Eight's on the line
for you, staff sergeant.
- [Fox 8] You're really
testing my patience, Fox One.
- Hey.
Better to find out she's a whore now
than when you're three
kids and mortgage deep.
- [Fox 8] I guess you
wanna play games, Fox One.
- Rah, staff sergeant.
- Eight, this is One Bravo.
- [Fox 8] Chaplain Kelly is visiting
Fox Company's AO this week.
And lucky for you, he's coming
to your patrol base today,
so make sure your marines are ready.
I don't wanna hear about
any more shit baggery.
Is that clear?
- That's an affirm on
Chaplain Kelly coming.
The sooner the better.
One Bravo out.
Chaps will help.
- Fucking Chaps, man.
It's Chaps.
- All my damn life.
Doing the same fucking shit.
No matter the stage.
No matter the location.
Nigger this, nigger that.
Look at that nigger over there.
I'm going to visit my aunt.
She owns a store out in the country.
Motherfucking rednecks
smell like fucking cow piss
and shit.
God damn harassing us.
Hey Cleetus,
those coons over there
better not leech off us.
(indistinct)
Family makes a little bit more money.
Get out the hood, go to the suburbs.
And they're like,
Shut the fuck up.
Then I come here.
Fucking Afghanistan.
No fucker's gonna God damn
take a shit in front of me.
Telling me, I'm nigger shit.
This motherfucking third
world fucking country.
Y'all came across the fucking
God damn wheel last week.
No running water, no electricity.
Washing your clothes
in the same place you
take a piss and shit in.
And you think I'm beneath you?
Get the fuck out of here man.
No.
I am sick and tired of
this fucking racist shit.
It hurts my soul.
Eats away at it like fucking necrosis.
So when's fucking gonna stop man, right?
Thanks for listening.
For what it's worth.
Appreciate you.
One second.
(prisoner groans)
(person laughs)
(door knocks)
- Ah.
Ah!
(person laughs)
(Abdul laughs)
(Abdul laughs)
- Ah!
(gun fires)
(person laughs)
(person speaks a foreign language)
- Hey, corporal.
Any chance you can get this genie going
before Chaps arrives?
- Yeah, I think we ran
out of batteries too.
- First off, don't you worry about me
doing my fucking job,
which side note, will
be a whole lot easier
if you two fucked off.
Second, why have you got
your tiny brown britches
twisted over some little boy
fingering Chaplain anyway?
- Are you kidding me?
You don't know who Chaplain Kelly is?
He's known throughout the
corps as a holy warrior.
He served in 'Nam! Desert Storm!
Invasion of Afghanistan, invasion of Iraq,
Phantom Fury, Ramadi 05 and 06.
- He saves souls, blesses our kills,
and gives prophecies to cheating wives.
- Whatever.
I was in Ramadi in 05.
I don't remember seeing
him running around.
- No shit.
What were you doing there?
- My job, shit dick.
Wherever there's a genie
on a PB, there's me.
The fuck were you boots doing in 05?
- Smashin' trash.
- I was 15.
What was Ramadi like?
- Their mortar fire was accurate as fuck.
Convoying out, that was intense.
IEDs everywhere. Multiple ambushes.
Good thing was they
couldn't shoot for shit.
(all laugh)
- Nice. Hey, you smoke anyone?
- Most of the time, we're
trying to get out of kill zones,
I'm shooting everything that moves.
No time for dead checks.
- [Marine] Yo, my dick is hard right now.
- Hey, I still wanna fuck.
- He's your battalion's oracle of HVTs.
- Yeah well, every one
of these HVTs he gives us
is scared to death of him.
It's like he's shaking
them down or something.
- Our intel bubbas,
they went through his cell phone records.
What they found was
literally a fucking Rolodex
of shit heads in the AO.
Taliban, IED makers, you name it.
- Call that many bad
guys up to have a chat,
you're a fucking bad guy too.
- Yeah well, everyone in the battalion
thinks he's a fucking saint.
It's like he's got a fucking
guardian angel or something.
- Murph,
between us girls, that guardian angel
might just be a three letter agency.
- Ugh, you dirty fucks.
Have you told the BC
about this fucking turd?
- Doesn't matter. It's
not in their priorities.
They care about four sets of metrics.
New bases being built,
Afghan troops being deployed,
civilian casualties and
HVTs being rounded up
and processed through the
Afghan judicial system.
And Buhtpaki's making
them look like rock stars
in that last metric.
- Mm.
- But you start messing
with Buhtpaki and his HVTs
and you start messing
with officer promotions.
We can't have that.
- Mm-mm.
- Welcome to the officer corps buddy.
- Come on!
Come on!
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh.
- Be like that little
twink teacher I choked out
in the sixth grade and come back to life.
(generator starts)
Come on, Bessie Sue.
- Fuck yeah.
Oh, oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Paper cut! Paper cut!
- Hey, calm down, calm down.
Oh my God, this is priority.
- Priority?
- Relax, relax, we're
gonna put pressure here.
Give me your hand, give me your hand.
All right, relax, I'm gonna
go get the tourniquet.
- So what's up with this Chaps guy?
- He was a grunt in Vietnam.
Apparently, he smoked just
as many dudes as Hathcock.
- Impossible.
- Then at some point,
switched over to Chaplain.
He's been coming to marine corps base
and combat zones ever since,
just to keep the morale up.
- No shit?
But does he fuck though?
- Probably.
- Probably not.
Pussy.
- I don't get it.
I mean, no offense but
where does all this confidence come from?
- I don't know.
You're a halfway decent looking guy.
Why are you such a bitch?
- That's what I'm talking about.
You don't give a fuck.
It's fucking...
It's inspiring.
- Daddy was a roughneck piece of shit.
Spent most of his time
on the rigs in the Gulf,
and the rest of the
year on the river boats.
And when he was home,
all I ever heard was how ugly I am,
how useless I was
and how nobody would ever love me.
If you hear that shit long enough,
you start to believe it.
You believe that shit long
enough, you stop caring.
You stop caring long enough,
you grow balls bigger
than you faggots got.
- Will you be my mommy?
Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- All right, so how do I expose Buhtpaki
if the brass is on his jock?
- Well, you gotta snatch
up one of the guys
Buhtpaki wants taken out.
A high level guy. Bring him back alive.
Then make him sing in front of the BC.
- Okay.
- But first you need to stop
harassing these poor farmers.
You wanna see a real HVT Murph?
This guy, this guy right here?
He's a real HVT.
Not some lowly fucking poppy farmer.
- Can I take this with me?
- No.
- Okay.
Well, this is still some
fucking good shit, gents.
- Go pick this fucker off, Murph.
- We can use some fresh
blood in the province.
- Mm.
Okay, well,
it's kind of creepy but
my dick is still hard.
- Mine is too.
- We aim to please.
- Appreciate the help, gents.
- Happy hunting.
- You hungry, little buddy?
Do you want some food?
Don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
I'll feed you.
Here comes the hijacked airplane.
(Marine makes childish plane sounds)
(indistinct)
- [Marine] I say again, first
platoon Helo 6 is en route.
Shit, is this for real?
Has he really come?
(indistinct)
- Hey, gather round, gather round!
Gather round!
Take the titties down!
- Sergeant, these are vintage.
- What?
Cover them up then.
Listen, Chaps is one of
the most important men
that you'll meet in marine corps, got it?
You know Mattiss?
- [Group] Yeah.
- Chesty?
- [Marine] Sure.
- Commandants, right?
- Yeah.
- Fuck them. He's more important.
When I was in Iraq, I watched this man
turn ordinary marines
into Godly
fucking
warriors!
- How does he do that, sarge...?
(indistinct shouting)
- He was a tunnel rat in Vietnam, okay?
Legend has it
he's killed way too many people.
- Impossible, get the fuck out of here-
(indistinct shouting)
- But now what he does is he
goes around all the grunts
on front lines
and performs kill ceremony.
- Ooh!
- Your first kill.
Double kill.
Hand to hand kill.
And if you're lucky, if you're lucky,
he'll do a prophecy on cheating wives.
- Oh!
- Hey, just so you know,
whatever he predicts
will happen to that bitch.
Sometimes it's great too.
Like maybe she'll
get in a wreck, crash and burn, right?
Scorched alive.
Other times, she'll move
on to live a happier life
with another man that's
better than you in every way.
Every way.
But that's neither here nor there.
Just point is, it's dangerous,
but the risk is worth
the reward gentlemen.
- Better do a first kill ritual for Barky.
- Yeah!
- I bet he'll do a prophecy on
Peltier's cheating ass wife.
- Oh shit!
- Hopefully that bitch will burn in hell!
- Oh, give me the fire
man, give me the fire.
- All right. Gather yourselves!
God. Come on.
- Chaplain Kelly!
What the fuck, it's so
good to see you again man!
How you doing?
- How you doing?
(indistinct)
- What have you got going on for us today?
- Honor your kills.
Protect your souls.
And damn your cheating wives.
- Fuck 'em!
- You know, my last PB,
I cured one Marine of herpes.
- It's a miracle.
- Oh yeah, gospel truth.
(upbeat rock music)
(electricity crackles)