A Grunt's Life (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Trust the Process - full transcript
A female mechanic arrives on base to fix the generator and has a mission to smash Lance Corporal Richards, while 2nd Lieutenant Murphy has to explain the death of their HVT to Battalion Command, and Superman comes back from the dead.
(dog growls)
- Dude, personal space. (moans and beats)
- What the fuck is that?
No fucking way.
What the fuck!
- What?
- Oh my god.
- [Stevens] SOG, this is ECP.
- Send it, ECP.
(Superman screams)
- A dog is eating Superman.
- Su-su-superman?
Oh, man.
- We just got him.
- Yo, I mean, aside from the racism?
He was one of the good ones.
- Yeah.
- He's dead?
Already?
- Damn, man.
It feels like we just got him yesterday.
- Well, it was yesterday.
What the are fuck are y'all so obsessed
over that racist piece of shit for, hmm?
- He was a racist piece of shit.
But ever since you turned
him into a quadriplegic--
- That's right.
- He's our, um--
- He's our morale booster, Sergeant.
He's like the innocent joy
we felt on Christmas day
when we're getting a brand new toy.
- (snorts) What the fuck is Christmas?
- Okay, or the innocent
joy Goldie felt on Hanukah
when they went to the bank
and ate bagels or whatever.
(group laughs)
- That's Yom Kippur, schmuck.
- Then what did you
actually do on Hanukkah?
- Played dreidel and gambled our Jew gold.
- Then what'd you do on Christmas?
- Ate Chinese food and watched Die Hard.
- Spoken like a true Jew.
All right, Bernie Madoff.
- Shut up.
- [Evans] Is Superman okay?
- Hey, clear the fucking channel.
I need two guys to gear up
and go check that shit out right now.
(dog barks)
- Fucking favorite.
Damn it!
We have to find a new one.
- Oh, fuck, there it is, man.
Fucking shoot that thing.
- He was a good dude.
- I'll miss every time he calls to Allah.
- I really hope that dog
is not his kryptonite.
- I really liked his smile.
- It's like I don't know what he's saying,
but I know what he's saying, you know.
- I know, it makes sense.
- There was something so transcendent.
(gunshot blares)
- Ugh!
(Marines sob)
- (laughs) Right.
This is a great day!
Watch me do my dance?
That's how happy I am.
Y'all can call me by my first name.
We're on first name basis now.
That fucking no good, dirty ass, nasty,
stupid piece of fucking shit,
(laughs) he's gone. (laughs)
- Let me shoot some shit, man.
I gotta get these feelings outta here.
- Hey, no, no.
- How the fuck you missed that?
- Fuck.
- Damn, man.
(Superman grunts like a weak bitch)
SOG, this is Superman extraction team.
Superman
is
alive!
(intense rock music)
- [Group] Yeah!
(Marines cheer)
- What the fuck?
(Marines cheer)
Get the fuck off of me!
Whoa, that's great, he did it!
(Marines cheer)
(fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you)
- That wasn't cool
- What's his problem?
- I kinda get it.
(Mitchell and Tate cheer)
- Come on, you motherfucker!
Hell, yeah!
Cocksucker motherfucker.
Oh, yeah, Superman!
Superman!
Goddamn, come on, it's Superman!
(laid back music)
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1 this is Beaver 3.
We're in a big hurry,
so we're gonna be outside your patrol base
for no more than five minutes
to drop off the generator
mechanic and a new water buffalo.
Please have your water buffalo ready?
How copy, over.
- Hey, Staff Sergeant.
You want me to get a squad to
pull security on that convoy?
- Nm-nm.
Nah, fuck that.
- Hey, Velazquez.
POGs don't take combat seriously
until they take a couple of casualties.
- [Beaver 3 on Radio] Fox 1--
- Trust the process.
[Beaver 3 On Radio] We have
eyes on 3 military aged men
gathering on the other side
of the wadi. How copy, over?
- I don't wanna see any of
your Marines walking around
out of regulation here
at the district center
or on your base, and I will
be making surprise visits
to all the company PBs with 6.
- That's a solid copy, 8.
- That means no beanies,
boots bloused with boot bands,
and no more tucking that shit in.
- What?
Big Lima Charlie all around, 8.
- That convoy that arrives should
be dropping off a gennie mech
to unfuck your power situation.
She's the best we got.
Operative words, best and she.
Understand?
- Um, roger, 8.
- It would behoove you to keep your men
the hell away from her, understand?
- Copy that.
No wolves in the henhouse.
Solid copy.
- I think you misunderstand.
She eats grunts for breakfast.
(upbeat rock music)
(Nut triple tap)
- I copy that, 8.
- Good.
Now get 1 actual.
He's gotta talk to 6.
- Go for 1.
- 1, this is 6.
The BC wants to know why the
HVT from earlier was KIA.
- Yeah, 5.
There was a very unfortunate accident
during the breach, break.
It turns out he was
standing right next to it,
maybe taking a shit or something.
- Copy on all, but this was a soft knock.
There wasn't supposed to
be an explosive breach.
- Yeah, 5, but he refused to come out.
And there were wires on the front door,
so SOP dictated that we upgrade
from a soft knock to, break,
medium knock.
- Solid 1 I'm gonna need
you to hop on that convoy
so we can talk to Lieutenant
Colonel Jones to clear this up.
Over.
- [Murphy] Solid copy, 5.
- What's this I hear about an
ANP scarecrow in a wheelchair?
(soldiers speak in foreign language)
- Hey, over here, bro.
Hey, what is this guy?
Play it like basketball man.
- [Man] Come on, boys!
- [Man] Come on, Marines!
- [Man] Let's get it, come on!
(soldier speaks in foreign language)
- [Man] Oh, shit, that was nice.
- No impact, no idea, 5.
(Noora speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Noora speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki sighs)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki laughs)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Doo Rag speaks in foreign language)
- Get the fuck outta here.
- [Gorn] Oh, my god, a fucking wook.
- What are we rating her, boys?
- [Tate] Maybe a three.
- Solid 10.
- [Stevens] 11.
- Fucking zero.
She might as well be a fucking dude.
- You're fucking kidding, man.
- What?
- Dude, I'd fuck a dude
right now if that was a dude.
- Yeah, stop being a faggot, Richards.
You wouldn't fuck that?
- Fuck no!
- Oh, whatever.
- You would?
- [Tate] Hell, yeah, I would.
- [Richards] But you just
said she was a three.
- Yo, God made dirt,
dirt don't hurt, bruh.
- Hell, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- You know what I'm saying? (laughs)
- [Stevens] Fuck yeah.
Oh, here she comes.
Oh, yeah.
- What's up, pussies?
Anyone got a smoke?
- Shit, I quit yesterday.
Fuck.
Damn, fuck.
- Thanks, cutie.
- [Stevens] You're fucking pathetic.
Shut the fuck up.
- So you're down to fuck.
- [Stevens] Yes, ma'am.
- Who else?
Oh, come on, boys.
Don't act like y'all ain't down.
This ain't my first rodeo, boys.
Two out of three Marines
would fuck me after month two.
That's a proven statistic.
- [Stevens] Fucking speak up, boys.
- And those numbers just keep
getting better and better
the longer we're out here.
- Uh, I wanna fuck.
- Good to know.
You're not my type.
(group laughs)
But let's see how long
this deployment lasts.
I need someone a little more supple.
A little harder to get.
How you doing my succulent
and fuckable friend?
- [Tate] Succulent.
- Yeah.
- I'm not your friend.
And you're not my fucking type.
- (chuckles) Oh, your type.
Bitch, I got a pussy and a pulse.
- Damn.
- Come on.
- Yeah, so does my girl back home,
but she doesn't look like the love child
of Gollum and fucking Danny DeVito.
(group laughs)
- Are you sweet talking me, boy?
- Man, fuck you!
- Don't act so salty.
Your girl back home is back stroking
through a sea of cocks right now.
- Whoo!
- Get it!
- You fucking dike.
Oh, bitch!
- Oh, damn!
Oh, damn!
- Get up, man!
- Come on, fight to the death!
- Get up, Richards!
- Come on, Richards!
- You're being a bitch!
- Oh, shit, he's dead.
- Shame.
- You tapped her. (laughs)
- You wanna fucking go?
- We just went.
- Yeah, fucking lucky shot, bitch.
- Yeah, you wanna square up?
Let's square the fuck up, boy.
If I win, I get to fuck your juicy ass.
- [Tate] Oh, my God.
Do it.
Please do it, please.
Do it.
(Stevens groans)
- [Gorn] You gotta do it.
Please, Richards, please.
Please do it.
- Deal.
- Fuck yeah!
- There you go.
(Yates chuckles)
(chuckles) Get some, buddy.
- One lucky bastard.
Her fucking ass smelled
like mac and cheese.
- You're fucking gross.
Get off of me, man.
- And with this revenue,
it allows me to invest in the
community's infrastructure.
I create jobs.
- That's what I love to hear.
A young man's hands filled with work
can't pick up a weapon.
- Exactly.
And this is why you are a wise commander.
The stability that the US
brings allows me to do this.
When I thrive, Musa Qala thrives.
And I believe that this is
the goal we all want, huh?
- All right, Rich.
I'm gonna go kiss the BC's ass.
- Suck that dick.
- I'll use his cum as fucking mouthwash
if that means I get to rip
Buhtpaki's fucking ears off.
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1,
the situation is getting more threatening.
- Keep dancing.
- [Man on Radio] We need to leave, over.
- She's a fucking POG, dude.
Don't embarrass this
fucking team, all right?
- [Man] Come on, you got this, bro.
- Fucking stay loose.
Protect yourself.
Keep your fucking hands up.
- Kill!
- Go!
(Marines cheer)
- [Man] Hands up!
- [Man] Let's get it, let's go!
Stop dancing!
- Yeah!
- Come on!
- Shh, shh, shh. No,
no, no, no, don't stop.
Go, go, go, go.
(Marines cheer)
- Hands up, hands up.
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1, we're
taking actual machine gun fire
from multiple positions.
We need to leave immediately.
- POGs fucking learning, Sir?
- Yeah, learning is occurring.
- [Man] You're a fucking bitch, Richards.
- What you got?
What you got?
- Oh!
- [Man] Shame.
- [Man] That's a shame.
- I'm so fucking hard right now.
- [Man] Goddammit.
- [Man] Shame.
- Get your fucking shit together.
- [Man] You're a disgrace!
- Fucking piece of shit.
That's boo-boo squad, boo-boo squad.
- Boo-boo squad.
Pick his ass up.
- I'm not picking that shit up.
- [Jones] Thank you for taking the time
to speak with us today.
- [Buhtpaki] And thank you
for having me, commander.
- [Jones] I look forward to the fruition
of our already effective relationship.
- [Buhtpaki] As do I.
(ominous music)
- [Man] This here is Muhammad El Buhtpaki.
He's a tribal leader from Sangin region
that we've been working with recently.
Buhtpaki.
- Dera, that was the fucking guy.
- Yeah, he is the guy, an important guy.
- Important guy? He's got
a fucking kid with him...
- Back off, Murph!
- Gentlemen!
Dera, this is the second
time I've ordered you
to bring in an HVT alive who's now dead.
- Yes, Sir.
I did relay that information,
but circumstances changed
and so did the approach
to the target house.
- What circumstances changed?
- Sir, the HVT refused
to come out peacefully
and there were wires on the front door,
so we had to make entry explosively.
- Were the wires
connected to an explosive,
a trap of some kind?
- Sir, wires means IEDs
out in Taliban land.
- And why would wires mean
IEDs in a home deemed low risk?
- Sir, low risk does not mean no risk.
And this information is
coming from a fucking warlord,
which I find shaky at best.
- Watch yourself, Lieutenant.
That is a trusted tribal
leader you're referring to.
- Sir, this tribal leader's name
keeps popping up with all
the HVTs he sends our way.
So I'm starting to think
he's just sending us his competition.
- Gents,
I cannot emphasize to you enough
the importance of building
relations with the locals,
local tribal leaders included.
(soft classical music)
Now regimental command has made it clear
that these relationships form the backbone
of our ability to accomplish our mission.
If an Afghan leader we
have deemed trustworthy
gives you intel,
you are to treat that intel
as absolutely trustworthy.
Gents,
I cannot emphasize to you enough
the importance of building
relations with the locals,
local tribal leaders included.
Now regimental command has made it clear
that these relationships form the backbone
of our ability to accomplish our mission.
If an Afghan leader we deemed trustworthy
gives you intel,
you are to treat that intel
as absolutely trustworthy.
Have I made myself clear?
- Loud and clear, sir.
Crystal clear.
- Hey, you still got that
blood and nut on you?
- Shit took like a week to wash off, man.
- For real?
- Yeah, that's dope.
- Damn, what the fuck?
- That's dope.
That's dope, bro.
- Did someone pour gasoline
in this bitch or what?
- No idea.
- Hmm.
That ain't right.
Yeah.
That's whiskey.
- Oh, shit!
I hid whiskey in some fuel cans.
I'll bet you those ANPs
grabbed that shit by mistake.
- Yeah, well, that'll do it.
These generators' livers aren't as strong
as the Marines are, so they
tend not to process alcohol
as well as ours do.
- You fucking serious, bruh?
- Hey, you're pretty smart for a wook, yo.
- [Man] Get your bitch ass over here.
- Hey.
Are you gonna tell me what
that bullshit was in there?
- Dera, I'm the personal hit
squad for a fucking warlord.
How do you not see this?
- Buhtpaki?
- Yes, Buhtpaki.
- Where are you even getting this?
- Both of the HVTs that he sent us after
had some sort of conflict
with fucking Buhtpaki,
which is pretty fucking weird
considering he's the one
who sent us after them.
Are you seeing this?
- Look, I don't know, Murph.
It does sound a little off center,
but I can't let you do anything
without Jones's blessing, right?
If you smell something fishy,
go talk to the OGA guys,
see what they got.
- Hmm.
- Damn, that's some good ass shit.
Now, fucking desperate Marines
has been both the greatest challenge
and thrill of my life.
It's both an art and a science.
And like any craft, you
gotta put in the work.
Now it all starts with
target acquisition, eh.
- Go on, write that shit down.
- There's plenty of targets on a FOB
but not enough time to fuck 'em all,
so you gotta choose a target
that is somewhere in between
too easy and not possible.
That's the art.
Then once you find your target,
like that little bitch, Richards,
you just run 'em through the game.
See, little Richards here
thinks that there's a way out,
but he'll see soon enough there ain't.
You just gotta trust the process.
- You got that?
Bold letters, trust the process.
That's some gold shit right there.
- Sergeant, I can't cheat
on my girl back home.
This is beyond fucked that you know this.
- Hey, you know what's fucked up
is you deciding to go
back on your fucking word.
- Your word is your bond, dog!
- I already have a bond
with my girlfriend,
and that's the only
bond I'm concerned with.
- And you broke that
when you decided to lose a fight, bitch!
- You chose to fight like
an idiot and fucking lose!
- Don't you bring that bad
karma onto this fucking base
because you decided to make poor choices.
And if you really don't
wanna fuck that pussy,
you probably would've
switched to your combos
or some shit, you, ooh.
Goldie, what kind of fucking
Marine are you raising here?
- You see this shit?
Now you're embarrassing me in
front of my fucking seniors!
- I will not allow you
to bring that bad karma
into this platoon.
Either you get out there
and you fuck that pussy
or you stay in post until you do.
Because at the end of the
day, it's not about you
or your stupid ass fucking girlfriend.
It's about the platoon making
it through this deployment.
You understand?
Your bad karma is gonna
get Marines killed.
- I need this!
We need this.
It's bigger than you.
- We'll go--
- Shut the fuck up!
Your squad leader gave you an order.
Your team leader is giving you an order.
You will execute that order to
the highest fucking standard
to which you're capable,
and you'll be grateful for the opportunity
to serve your platoon in such
a selfless fucking manner!
How fucking copy!
- Solid copy.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Fuck, we believe in you, devil.
We believe in you, right? Now
you're gonna get out there
and you're gonna make the right call,
the right decision in order
to protect this platoon.
You gotta protect us, right?
Now, you get out there
and you fuck that pussy
and you give it everything you got.
- Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
- Like that.
- Roger that.
- It's just pussy.
(group laughs and revels in
this destructive lifestyle)
What's wrong with you, man? Are you okay?
(upbeat rock music)
- [Man] All right, you got this, come on.
Light wieght.
- [Man] Come on, baby, come on.
- [Man] That's it.
- Let's go now, com eon now.
One more.
She ain't sweet around here.
She ain't sweet.
Hey, who got next?
- [Man] I got next.
- All right, next, get on!
- What's your stinky ass looking at?
(Doo Rag speaks in foreign language)
- Now, why do I get the feeling
that what you just said wasn't very nice?
- Yeah, You done fucked up.
- [Group] Whoa!
(Doo Rag screams)
- [Man] Burn, baby, burn!
- [Man] Hey, I always
wanted to go to Burning Man.
- [Man] Hey, Burning Man
came early this year, dog.
- Fuck yeah!
- [Man] They brought
Burning Man to Musa Qala.
- [Man] Goddamn!
- Another.
- That's what we do here!
That's what we do here!
I'll hurt somebody right now.
(man speaks in foreign language)
(soldiers cheer)
- Oh, my God, that shit smells crispy.
Hey, Goldie, come check this out.
Is he done?
- That sounds like a disaster.
What'd you guys do?
- We ex-fil'd the fuck out of there.
- Damn.
What happened to the kid?
- Let me put it this way.
I can never go to Chuck E. Cheese again.
- Fuck.
Did you leave a Yelp review?
(knocking on door)
- You guys got a sec?
- Come on in.
What's up?
- It's Muhammad Al Buhtpaki.
- What about him?
- What's his fucking deal?
- You're a smart guy, lieutenant.
- Sometimes.
- Buhtpaki's smart too.
Can't say much more than that.
But even if I could, I probably wouldn't.
- That's good shit.
Thank God you're with the good guys.
- Good guys?
What fucking planet do you live on?
There's no good guys.
There's only them and us.
That's the world I live in.
You should join us there.
It's called reality.
- Fucking good trash.
I'll see you guys out there.
- Hey, I'm just fucking with you.
We're getting ready to go lift.
You wanna work out with us?
- I knew you guys were fucking spooks.
Yeah, I'll teach you how to lift weights.
- Toon, atten-hut!
Marine to be fucked, center march!
- (sighs) Marine to be
fucked, reporting as ordered.
(Marines snort and giggle
at Richard's despair)
- Drink, bitch.
(Richards coughs out his
weakness as he grows a pair)
- Post, march!
Fall out!
(Marines laugh with extreme jealously)
- Can we watch him get fucked?
Can we watch him get fucked?
I wanna watch the fucking.
Do you think we can watch him get fucked?
Do we watch him get fucked?
- Hey, I'm putting cameras on,
post this shit on Facebook.
- I've pulled logs out of the swamp
that ain't as big as that thing.
♪ Amazing grace ♪
- I knew you wanted it.
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
(Yates spits)
- (gasps) Ooh, that's a lot of friction.
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I once ♪
- Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
♪ Was lost ♪
♪ But now, I'm found ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I see ♪
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I once was lost ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I'm found ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I see ♪
(Richards whimpers)
- If you've gotten to
this point in the series,
then we're assuming you've
been laughing hysterically,
hopefully shitting and
busting a nut simultaneously,
and we want that for you.
We really do.
That's how we know we've created
art that means something.
Right, grandma?
Shut the fuck up.
Here's the deal.
Here's the announcement, guys.
So episode six through 10,
we're gonna need a little
bit more time to edit
so that the finale blows you
out of the fucking water.
We want you guys as excited as grandma is
when the finale comes.
I mean, look at that excitement.
She can't contain herself.
What we need y'all to
do is to get together
and watch A Grunt's Life
season two with your friends.
You can watch this thing 10
times and find something new
either in the frame, in the
writing, their dialogue,
or in the sound design every time, okay?
We wrote it that way.
There's a lot of depth to this shit.
So do it in the barracks rooms,
do it in your living rooms,
in front of your big screen
televisions with good sound,
and laugh together.
That's why we started this company.
That's what these shows
are intended to do.
They're intended to
bring veterans together.
And so please make sure
that you're helping execute
the mission of the company.
Text someone that they
gotta watch episode three,
they gotta watch episode five.
Or just text your buddy,
like hey, suck my dick, dude.
You know, the kind of
that we text each other.
(grandma coughs)
Enough.
Just kidding, I love you.
In the meantime, we're gonna
have a sick ass show for you
called Non-Commissioned News.
It's gonna be the best talk
show the military has ever had.
Just think like The Daily
Show with Jon Stewart
or The Colbert Report, right,
but the military version of that.
It's got that level of wit and writing.
Why?
'Cause Jamie Goldstein wrote it,
co-writer, co-director of
A Grunt's Life season two
and actor in A Grunt's Life season two.
And as always, we're gonna continue
giving you guys more shows, docu series.
We're trying to expand out of just comedy
because there's a lot
more that we have to offer
than just comedy, a lot more
stories that can be told.
We hope you guys appreciate
that, but we need your feedback.
As always, thank you again
for being a subscriber.
Without you guys, this business
literally doesn't exist.
Thank you for watching.
Stay subscribed. And we'll
see you for the second round
of A Grunt's Life season two.
Peaces.
Bye, Bella.
Say bye.
Ooh, she just licked her butt.
(upbeat rock music)
- Dude, personal space. (moans and beats)
- What the fuck is that?
No fucking way.
What the fuck!
- What?
- Oh my god.
- [Stevens] SOG, this is ECP.
- Send it, ECP.
(Superman screams)
- A dog is eating Superman.
- Su-su-superman?
Oh, man.
- We just got him.
- Yo, I mean, aside from the racism?
He was one of the good ones.
- Yeah.
- He's dead?
Already?
- Damn, man.
It feels like we just got him yesterday.
- Well, it was yesterday.
What the are fuck are y'all so obsessed
over that racist piece of shit for, hmm?
- He was a racist piece of shit.
But ever since you turned
him into a quadriplegic--
- That's right.
- He's our, um--
- He's our morale booster, Sergeant.
He's like the innocent joy
we felt on Christmas day
when we're getting a brand new toy.
- (snorts) What the fuck is Christmas?
- Okay, or the innocent
joy Goldie felt on Hanukah
when they went to the bank
and ate bagels or whatever.
(group laughs)
- That's Yom Kippur, schmuck.
- Then what did you
actually do on Hanukkah?
- Played dreidel and gambled our Jew gold.
- Then what'd you do on Christmas?
- Ate Chinese food and watched Die Hard.
- Spoken like a true Jew.
All right, Bernie Madoff.
- Shut up.
- [Evans] Is Superman okay?
- Hey, clear the fucking channel.
I need two guys to gear up
and go check that shit out right now.
(dog barks)
- Fucking favorite.
Damn it!
We have to find a new one.
- Oh, fuck, there it is, man.
Fucking shoot that thing.
- He was a good dude.
- I'll miss every time he calls to Allah.
- I really hope that dog
is not his kryptonite.
- I really liked his smile.
- It's like I don't know what he's saying,
but I know what he's saying, you know.
- I know, it makes sense.
- There was something so transcendent.
(gunshot blares)
- Ugh!
(Marines sob)
- (laughs) Right.
This is a great day!
Watch me do my dance?
That's how happy I am.
Y'all can call me by my first name.
We're on first name basis now.
That fucking no good, dirty ass, nasty,
stupid piece of fucking shit,
(laughs) he's gone. (laughs)
- Let me shoot some shit, man.
I gotta get these feelings outta here.
- Hey, no, no.
- How the fuck you missed that?
- Fuck.
- Damn, man.
(Superman grunts like a weak bitch)
SOG, this is Superman extraction team.
Superman
is
alive!
(intense rock music)
- [Group] Yeah!
(Marines cheer)
- What the fuck?
(Marines cheer)
Get the fuck off of me!
Whoa, that's great, he did it!
(Marines cheer)
(fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you)
- That wasn't cool
- What's his problem?
- I kinda get it.
(Mitchell and Tate cheer)
- Come on, you motherfucker!
Hell, yeah!
Cocksucker motherfucker.
Oh, yeah, Superman!
Superman!
Goddamn, come on, it's Superman!
(laid back music)
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1 this is Beaver 3.
We're in a big hurry,
so we're gonna be outside your patrol base
for no more than five minutes
to drop off the generator
mechanic and a new water buffalo.
Please have your water buffalo ready?
How copy, over.
- Hey, Staff Sergeant.
You want me to get a squad to
pull security on that convoy?
- Nm-nm.
Nah, fuck that.
- Hey, Velazquez.
POGs don't take combat seriously
until they take a couple of casualties.
- [Beaver 3 on Radio] Fox 1--
- Trust the process.
[Beaver 3 On Radio] We have
eyes on 3 military aged men
gathering on the other side
of the wadi. How copy, over?
- I don't wanna see any of
your Marines walking around
out of regulation here
at the district center
or on your base, and I will
be making surprise visits
to all the company PBs with 6.
- That's a solid copy, 8.
- That means no beanies,
boots bloused with boot bands,
and no more tucking that shit in.
- What?
Big Lima Charlie all around, 8.
- That convoy that arrives should
be dropping off a gennie mech
to unfuck your power situation.
She's the best we got.
Operative words, best and she.
Understand?
- Um, roger, 8.
- It would behoove you to keep your men
the hell away from her, understand?
- Copy that.
No wolves in the henhouse.
Solid copy.
- I think you misunderstand.
She eats grunts for breakfast.
(upbeat rock music)
(Nut triple tap)
- I copy that, 8.
- Good.
Now get 1 actual.
He's gotta talk to 6.
- Go for 1.
- 1, this is 6.
The BC wants to know why the
HVT from earlier was KIA.
- Yeah, 5.
There was a very unfortunate accident
during the breach, break.
It turns out he was
standing right next to it,
maybe taking a shit or something.
- Copy on all, but this was a soft knock.
There wasn't supposed to
be an explosive breach.
- Yeah, 5, but he refused to come out.
And there were wires on the front door,
so SOP dictated that we upgrade
from a soft knock to, break,
medium knock.
- Solid 1 I'm gonna need
you to hop on that convoy
so we can talk to Lieutenant
Colonel Jones to clear this up.
Over.
- [Murphy] Solid copy, 5.
- What's this I hear about an
ANP scarecrow in a wheelchair?
(soldiers speak in foreign language)
- Hey, over here, bro.
Hey, what is this guy?
Play it like basketball man.
- [Man] Come on, boys!
- [Man] Come on, Marines!
- [Man] Let's get it, come on!
(soldier speaks in foreign language)
- [Man] Oh, shit, that was nice.
- No impact, no idea, 5.
(Noora speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Noora speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki sighs)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Buhtpaki laughs)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
(Doo Rag speaks in foreign language)
- Get the fuck outta here.
- [Gorn] Oh, my god, a fucking wook.
- What are we rating her, boys?
- [Tate] Maybe a three.
- Solid 10.
- [Stevens] 11.
- Fucking zero.
She might as well be a fucking dude.
- You're fucking kidding, man.
- What?
- Dude, I'd fuck a dude
right now if that was a dude.
- Yeah, stop being a faggot, Richards.
You wouldn't fuck that?
- Fuck no!
- Oh, whatever.
- You would?
- [Tate] Hell, yeah, I would.
- [Richards] But you just
said she was a three.
- Yo, God made dirt,
dirt don't hurt, bruh.
- Hell, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- You know what I'm saying? (laughs)
- [Stevens] Fuck yeah.
Oh, here she comes.
Oh, yeah.
- What's up, pussies?
Anyone got a smoke?
- Shit, I quit yesterday.
Fuck.
Damn, fuck.
- Thanks, cutie.
- [Stevens] You're fucking pathetic.
Shut the fuck up.
- So you're down to fuck.
- [Stevens] Yes, ma'am.
- Who else?
Oh, come on, boys.
Don't act like y'all ain't down.
This ain't my first rodeo, boys.
Two out of three Marines
would fuck me after month two.
That's a proven statistic.
- [Stevens] Fucking speak up, boys.
- And those numbers just keep
getting better and better
the longer we're out here.
- Uh, I wanna fuck.
- Good to know.
You're not my type.
(group laughs)
But let's see how long
this deployment lasts.
I need someone a little more supple.
A little harder to get.
How you doing my succulent
and fuckable friend?
- [Tate] Succulent.
- Yeah.
- I'm not your friend.
And you're not my fucking type.
- (chuckles) Oh, your type.
Bitch, I got a pussy and a pulse.
- Damn.
- Come on.
- Yeah, so does my girl back home,
but she doesn't look like the love child
of Gollum and fucking Danny DeVito.
(group laughs)
- Are you sweet talking me, boy?
- Man, fuck you!
- Don't act so salty.
Your girl back home is back stroking
through a sea of cocks right now.
- Whoo!
- Get it!
- You fucking dike.
Oh, bitch!
- Oh, damn!
Oh, damn!
- Get up, man!
- Come on, fight to the death!
- Get up, Richards!
- Come on, Richards!
- You're being a bitch!
- Oh, shit, he's dead.
- Shame.
- You tapped her. (laughs)
- You wanna fucking go?
- We just went.
- Yeah, fucking lucky shot, bitch.
- Yeah, you wanna square up?
Let's square the fuck up, boy.
If I win, I get to fuck your juicy ass.
- [Tate] Oh, my God.
Do it.
Please do it, please.
Do it.
(Stevens groans)
- [Gorn] You gotta do it.
Please, Richards, please.
Please do it.
- Deal.
- Fuck yeah!
- There you go.
(Yates chuckles)
(chuckles) Get some, buddy.
- One lucky bastard.
Her fucking ass smelled
like mac and cheese.
- You're fucking gross.
Get off of me, man.
- And with this revenue,
it allows me to invest in the
community's infrastructure.
I create jobs.
- That's what I love to hear.
A young man's hands filled with work
can't pick up a weapon.
- Exactly.
And this is why you are a wise commander.
The stability that the US
brings allows me to do this.
When I thrive, Musa Qala thrives.
And I believe that this is
the goal we all want, huh?
- All right, Rich.
I'm gonna go kiss the BC's ass.
- Suck that dick.
- I'll use his cum as fucking mouthwash
if that means I get to rip
Buhtpaki's fucking ears off.
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1,
the situation is getting more threatening.
- Keep dancing.
- [Man on Radio] We need to leave, over.
- She's a fucking POG, dude.
Don't embarrass this
fucking team, all right?
- [Man] Come on, you got this, bro.
- Fucking stay loose.
Protect yourself.
Keep your fucking hands up.
- Kill!
- Go!
(Marines cheer)
- [Man] Hands up!
- [Man] Let's get it, let's go!
Stop dancing!
- Yeah!
- Come on!
- Shh, shh, shh. No,
no, no, no, don't stop.
Go, go, go, go.
(Marines cheer)
- Hands up, hands up.
- [Man on Radio] Fox 1, we're
taking actual machine gun fire
from multiple positions.
We need to leave immediately.
- POGs fucking learning, Sir?
- Yeah, learning is occurring.
- [Man] You're a fucking bitch, Richards.
- What you got?
What you got?
- Oh!
- [Man] Shame.
- [Man] That's a shame.
- I'm so fucking hard right now.
- [Man] Goddammit.
- [Man] Shame.
- Get your fucking shit together.
- [Man] You're a disgrace!
- Fucking piece of shit.
That's boo-boo squad, boo-boo squad.
- Boo-boo squad.
Pick his ass up.
- I'm not picking that shit up.
- [Jones] Thank you for taking the time
to speak with us today.
- [Buhtpaki] And thank you
for having me, commander.
- [Jones] I look forward to the fruition
of our already effective relationship.
- [Buhtpaki] As do I.
(ominous music)
- [Man] This here is Muhammad El Buhtpaki.
He's a tribal leader from Sangin region
that we've been working with recently.
Buhtpaki.
- Dera, that was the fucking guy.
- Yeah, he is the guy, an important guy.
- Important guy? He's got
a fucking kid with him...
- Back off, Murph!
- Gentlemen!
Dera, this is the second
time I've ordered you
to bring in an HVT alive who's now dead.
- Yes, Sir.
I did relay that information,
but circumstances changed
and so did the approach
to the target house.
- What circumstances changed?
- Sir, the HVT refused
to come out peacefully
and there were wires on the front door,
so we had to make entry explosively.
- Were the wires
connected to an explosive,
a trap of some kind?
- Sir, wires means IEDs
out in Taliban land.
- And why would wires mean
IEDs in a home deemed low risk?
- Sir, low risk does not mean no risk.
And this information is
coming from a fucking warlord,
which I find shaky at best.
- Watch yourself, Lieutenant.
That is a trusted tribal
leader you're referring to.
- Sir, this tribal leader's name
keeps popping up with all
the HVTs he sends our way.
So I'm starting to think
he's just sending us his competition.
- Gents,
I cannot emphasize to you enough
the importance of building
relations with the locals,
local tribal leaders included.
(soft classical music)
Now regimental command has made it clear
that these relationships form the backbone
of our ability to accomplish our mission.
If an Afghan leader we
have deemed trustworthy
gives you intel,
you are to treat that intel
as absolutely trustworthy.
Gents,
I cannot emphasize to you enough
the importance of building
relations with the locals,
local tribal leaders included.
Now regimental command has made it clear
that these relationships form the backbone
of our ability to accomplish our mission.
If an Afghan leader we deemed trustworthy
gives you intel,
you are to treat that intel
as absolutely trustworthy.
Have I made myself clear?
- Loud and clear, sir.
Crystal clear.
- Hey, you still got that
blood and nut on you?
- Shit took like a week to wash off, man.
- For real?
- Yeah, that's dope.
- Damn, what the fuck?
- That's dope.
That's dope, bro.
- Did someone pour gasoline
in this bitch or what?
- No idea.
- Hmm.
That ain't right.
Yeah.
That's whiskey.
- Oh, shit!
I hid whiskey in some fuel cans.
I'll bet you those ANPs
grabbed that shit by mistake.
- Yeah, well, that'll do it.
These generators' livers aren't as strong
as the Marines are, so they
tend not to process alcohol
as well as ours do.
- You fucking serious, bruh?
- Hey, you're pretty smart for a wook, yo.
- [Man] Get your bitch ass over here.
- Hey.
Are you gonna tell me what
that bullshit was in there?
- Dera, I'm the personal hit
squad for a fucking warlord.
How do you not see this?
- Buhtpaki?
- Yes, Buhtpaki.
- Where are you even getting this?
- Both of the HVTs that he sent us after
had some sort of conflict
with fucking Buhtpaki,
which is pretty fucking weird
considering he's the one
who sent us after them.
Are you seeing this?
- Look, I don't know, Murph.
It does sound a little off center,
but I can't let you do anything
without Jones's blessing, right?
If you smell something fishy,
go talk to the OGA guys,
see what they got.
- Hmm.
- Damn, that's some good ass shit.
Now, fucking desperate Marines
has been both the greatest challenge
and thrill of my life.
It's both an art and a science.
And like any craft, you
gotta put in the work.
Now it all starts with
target acquisition, eh.
- Go on, write that shit down.
- There's plenty of targets on a FOB
but not enough time to fuck 'em all,
so you gotta choose a target
that is somewhere in between
too easy and not possible.
That's the art.
Then once you find your target,
like that little bitch, Richards,
you just run 'em through the game.
See, little Richards here
thinks that there's a way out,
but he'll see soon enough there ain't.
You just gotta trust the process.
- You got that?
Bold letters, trust the process.
That's some gold shit right there.
- Sergeant, I can't cheat
on my girl back home.
This is beyond fucked that you know this.
- Hey, you know what's fucked up
is you deciding to go
back on your fucking word.
- Your word is your bond, dog!
- I already have a bond
with my girlfriend,
and that's the only
bond I'm concerned with.
- And you broke that
when you decided to lose a fight, bitch!
- You chose to fight like
an idiot and fucking lose!
- Don't you bring that bad
karma onto this fucking base
because you decided to make poor choices.
And if you really don't
wanna fuck that pussy,
you probably would've
switched to your combos
or some shit, you, ooh.
Goldie, what kind of fucking
Marine are you raising here?
- You see this shit?
Now you're embarrassing me in
front of my fucking seniors!
- I will not allow you
to bring that bad karma
into this platoon.
Either you get out there
and you fuck that pussy
or you stay in post until you do.
Because at the end of the
day, it's not about you
or your stupid ass fucking girlfriend.
It's about the platoon making
it through this deployment.
You understand?
Your bad karma is gonna
get Marines killed.
- I need this!
We need this.
It's bigger than you.
- We'll go--
- Shut the fuck up!
Your squad leader gave you an order.
Your team leader is giving you an order.
You will execute that order to
the highest fucking standard
to which you're capable,
and you'll be grateful for the opportunity
to serve your platoon in such
a selfless fucking manner!
How fucking copy!
- Solid copy.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Fuck, we believe in you, devil.
We believe in you, right? Now
you're gonna get out there
and you're gonna make the right call,
the right decision in order
to protect this platoon.
You gotta protect us, right?
Now, you get out there
and you fuck that pussy
and you give it everything you got.
- Everything.
Everything.
Everything.
- Like that.
- Roger that.
- It's just pussy.
(group laughs and revels in
this destructive lifestyle)
What's wrong with you, man? Are you okay?
(upbeat rock music)
- [Man] All right, you got this, come on.
Light wieght.
- [Man] Come on, baby, come on.
- [Man] That's it.
- Let's go now, com eon now.
One more.
She ain't sweet around here.
She ain't sweet.
Hey, who got next?
- [Man] I got next.
- All right, next, get on!
- What's your stinky ass looking at?
(Doo Rag speaks in foreign language)
- Now, why do I get the feeling
that what you just said wasn't very nice?
- Yeah, You done fucked up.
- [Group] Whoa!
(Doo Rag screams)
- [Man] Burn, baby, burn!
- [Man] Hey, I always
wanted to go to Burning Man.
- [Man] Hey, Burning Man
came early this year, dog.
- Fuck yeah!
- [Man] They brought
Burning Man to Musa Qala.
- [Man] Goddamn!
- Another.
- That's what we do here!
That's what we do here!
I'll hurt somebody right now.
(man speaks in foreign language)
(soldiers cheer)
- Oh, my God, that shit smells crispy.
Hey, Goldie, come check this out.
Is he done?
- That sounds like a disaster.
What'd you guys do?
- We ex-fil'd the fuck out of there.
- Damn.
What happened to the kid?
- Let me put it this way.
I can never go to Chuck E. Cheese again.
- Fuck.
Did you leave a Yelp review?
(knocking on door)
- You guys got a sec?
- Come on in.
What's up?
- It's Muhammad Al Buhtpaki.
- What about him?
- What's his fucking deal?
- You're a smart guy, lieutenant.
- Sometimes.
- Buhtpaki's smart too.
Can't say much more than that.
But even if I could, I probably wouldn't.
- That's good shit.
Thank God you're with the good guys.
- Good guys?
What fucking planet do you live on?
There's no good guys.
There's only them and us.
That's the world I live in.
You should join us there.
It's called reality.
- Fucking good trash.
I'll see you guys out there.
- Hey, I'm just fucking with you.
We're getting ready to go lift.
You wanna work out with us?
- I knew you guys were fucking spooks.
Yeah, I'll teach you how to lift weights.
- Toon, atten-hut!
Marine to be fucked, center march!
- (sighs) Marine to be
fucked, reporting as ordered.
(Marines snort and giggle
at Richard's despair)
- Drink, bitch.
(Richards coughs out his
weakness as he grows a pair)
- Post, march!
Fall out!
(Marines laugh with extreme jealously)
- Can we watch him get fucked?
Can we watch him get fucked?
I wanna watch the fucking.
Do you think we can watch him get fucked?
Do we watch him get fucked?
- Hey, I'm putting cameras on,
post this shit on Facebook.
- I've pulled logs out of the swamp
that ain't as big as that thing.
♪ Amazing grace ♪
- I knew you wanted it.
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
(Yates spits)
- (gasps) Ooh, that's a lot of friction.
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I once ♪
- Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
♪ Was lost ♪
♪ But now, I'm found ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I see ♪
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I once was lost ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I'm found ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now ♪
♪ I see ♪
(Richards whimpers)
- If you've gotten to
this point in the series,
then we're assuming you've
been laughing hysterically,
hopefully shitting and
busting a nut simultaneously,
and we want that for you.
We really do.
That's how we know we've created
art that means something.
Right, grandma?
Shut the fuck up.
Here's the deal.
Here's the announcement, guys.
So episode six through 10,
we're gonna need a little
bit more time to edit
so that the finale blows you
out of the fucking water.
We want you guys as excited as grandma is
when the finale comes.
I mean, look at that excitement.
She can't contain herself.
What we need y'all to
do is to get together
and watch A Grunt's Life
season two with your friends.
You can watch this thing 10
times and find something new
either in the frame, in the
writing, their dialogue,
or in the sound design every time, okay?
We wrote it that way.
There's a lot of depth to this shit.
So do it in the barracks rooms,
do it in your living rooms,
in front of your big screen
televisions with good sound,
and laugh together.
That's why we started this company.
That's what these shows
are intended to do.
They're intended to
bring veterans together.
And so please make sure
that you're helping execute
the mission of the company.
Text someone that they
gotta watch episode three,
they gotta watch episode five.
Or just text your buddy,
like hey, suck my dick, dude.
You know, the kind of
that we text each other.
(grandma coughs)
Enough.
Just kidding, I love you.
In the meantime, we're gonna
have a sick ass show for you
called Non-Commissioned News.
It's gonna be the best talk
show the military has ever had.
Just think like The Daily
Show with Jon Stewart
or The Colbert Report, right,
but the military version of that.
It's got that level of wit and writing.
Why?
'Cause Jamie Goldstein wrote it,
co-writer, co-director of
A Grunt's Life season two
and actor in A Grunt's Life season two.
And as always, we're gonna continue
giving you guys more shows, docu series.
We're trying to expand out of just comedy
because there's a lot
more that we have to offer
than just comedy, a lot more
stories that can be told.
We hope you guys appreciate
that, but we need your feedback.
As always, thank you again
for being a subscriber.
Without you guys, this business
literally doesn't exist.
Thank you for watching.
Stay subscribed. And we'll
see you for the second round
of A Grunt's Life season two.
Peaces.
Bye, Bella.
Say bye.
Ooh, she just licked her butt.
(upbeat rock music)