A Grunt's Life (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Best of the Afghan Best - full transcript
The Marines of 1st Platoon experience the absurdity of integrating with Afghan forces, when a squad of Afghan Police arrive at their patrol base. Negligent discharges and racism run rampant as the debauchery on base hits a high po...
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- What?
- Jesus.
Fucking savages.
- Sir, my kid's about that age.
- I know it's shitty.
It really is, but we're not
here to change their culture.
Keep smiling, Teddy.
It's gonna be over very soon.
(man speaks in foreign language)
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Let's get down to it.
- "Have you been well?" they ask.
- Yes, and without further ado,
I would like to thank our honored guests.
For their graciousness and commitment,
with this token of our appreciation
- This small token we present
is a bridge that's been built
to make your campaign and
our campaign one campaign.
- He said he's very honored for the gift.
- Thank you, my friends.
This is a
very
beautiful gesture.
- Let's take a picture.
- [Photographer] Gentlemen,
do we want the boy
in the picture?
- All right, gentlemen, let's see a smile.
(upbeat rock music)
(camera clicks)
(gun firing)
(slow rock music)
(Fathullah grunts)
(loud plunking)
(Noora sighs)
(dogs barking)
(goats bleating)
(Noora gasps)
- Fuck this.
We've been fuckin' shit up
ever since Captain Barry got schwacked
and we haven't lost single Marine.
Now we're gonna attach some shitbags
on the back half of the pump?
- Whatever, man.
Let them take point.
ANPs are clutch at finding IEDs,
the easy way or the hard way.
(Mitchell laughs)
- I'm sure as shit ain't
letting them walk behind me.
It's like every fucking
month some ANP fucker smokes
an American out there.
Am I right?
- Well, think of it Like they're giving us
the opportunity to smoke Hajis
without even having to leave the wire.
(Goldstein chuckles)
- If we're lucky, they'll be dead
before they get one of us killed.
- Hey, fuck it.
At least they're willing to
pick up a rifle and fight.
It's more we can say about
these lazy ass villagers.
- True.
- Whatever, dude.
- All right, who wants in?
50, 20?
I'll go down to five if
you pussies are scared.
- (chuckles) Shit, Corporal.
I'm still hurtin' from
last time you jewed us.
You know, why do we
gamble with you anyway?
Can't just embezzle our
money like a normal Yid?
- For real.
- Fucking yeah.
But where's the fun in that?
All right, how about this?
Winner gets to yeet the first ANP
that turns out to be dirty?
(upbeat hip hop music)
Boop.
(marines mumbling)
- Welcome to the newest
Joint PB in Helmand.
We are honored by your presence
and we look forward to
our collaborative efforts.
(loud slurping)
- Aah!
(ANP soldiers chuckle)
- All you, sir.
- All right.
So this is the best of
the Afghan best, huh?
- [Marine] What's this
guy's doo rag all about?
Is he a blood or a crip?
- Good to go.
You guys got a lot of combat experience?
- He said, "More than you."
And he said he was born
in combat. (laughs)
(loud slurping)
- Wow, that's good shit.
Well, I'm excited to let you take point.
(Marines chuckling)
- He said if you teach him
how to use the minesweeper,
he will teach you how to fight. (laughs)
Sorry, sir.
- Thank you.
- Look at this motherfucker right here.
Ain't that look like that
Bear Jew motherfucker, right?
From that movie?
What's that movie called?
- Tarantino's movie.
- "Inglorious Basterds".
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Big ass,
dumb-lookin' motherfucker.
(ANPs laugh)
(suspenseful music)
(Fathullah speaks in foreign language)
(suspenseful music)
- All right, motherfuckers!
See that tent right there?
Look.
(Achmed speaks in foreign language)
- That's your tent.
If you're not takin' a shit,
if you're not on patrol, that's
the only place you'll be.
Got it?
(ANPs chuckle)
- If you do so happen
to find yourself outside
of your berthing tent, you
see this one right here?
Look.
- That one's ours.
You need to stay the fuck away from it.
(chuckles) Yeah, that one right there.
The one that sounds the like
a fuckin' murder circus?
Smells like big dicks.
That's ours.
I don't wanna see you anywhere near it.
Is that understood?
- Motherfucker.
They don't care, Sir.
- I know they don't care.
- No shit.
(loud slapping)
(Noora gasps)
(suspenseful music)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
- [Man On Phone] Musa Qala
District Center Liaison Office.
English or Pashtu?
- Hello, yes, yes.
I would like to talk to DC liaison.
I would like to talk to
Lieutenant Colonel Jones.
- [Man On Phone] About what, Sir?
- I have a new drug trafficker for him.
- [Man On Phone] Yeah, we
got a lot of drug traffickers
out here in Musa Qala.
It's the main industry here, buddy.
- He also builds IEDs.
- IEDs?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- [Man On Phone] Okay, what
did you say your name was?
- Muhammad Al Buhtpaki.
- All right, Mr. Bukkake,
call back in 10 minutes
and I'll route you to a secure line.
- Buhtpaki!
How hard, Buhtpaki, Buhtpaki, Buhtpak--
(sighs)
- [Bishop] And another thing.
That big fuckin' machine right there?
You motherfuckers--
- Fucking dancing queen.
- [Bishop] That's our generator!
We ain't gonna teach you how to use it
so don't fuckin' touch it!
Got it?
Terp, tell 'em.
(Achmed speaks in foreign language)
- Gents.
- 'Sup, Bishop?
- (sighs) I got the ANP
set up outside their tent.
Now before I take them out with us.
Is it okay if I take them on
a mini patrol around the PB?
I don't trust 'em.
I need to see what they got.
- That could be fun to watch.
- Roger that, Sir.
All right, you Afghan pieces of shit!
- Go get 'em Bishop.
- No offense, Achmed.
- Oorah!
I shouldn't fucking get him riled up, huh?
- No, he's gonna kill someone.
- He's gonna fucking
kill one.
- He's gonna fucking
kill someone.
- All right.
Tell these fuckers I want them to walk
like they're out on patrol.
I want them in a ranger file.
I want them to maintain their distance.
I want two hands on their weapons.
I want them scanning the sectors.
I want their heads on a swivel.
You know, I want them to
pretend to be warriors.
Tell 'em that.
Yours, Sir.
(ANPs chuckle)
- All right, move out!
(ANPs laughing)
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
They look like a bunch of retard
kids on an Easter egg hunt.
- Dude, my grandmother's
got fuckin' dementia
and she looks less retarded
when she's finger painting
with her own shit.
(ANPs laugh)
- I don't know why
you guys are fuckin' laughin'!
(ANPs laugh)
- [Bishop] This is why you
guys are gonna fucking die.
- Dude, that one in the
back is fuckin' barefoot!
(Marines laugh)
- Yo, yo, yo, it's tactical.
That's how they find the IEDs better,
you know what I'm saying?
- Not tactical.
He's flat-footed.
- Fucking stupid
is what it is.
(ANPs laugh)
- [Marine] Bro, oh, my God,
look at that guy, he's so high.
(ANP Squad Leader answers
in foreign language)
(ANPs laugh)
- Oh, my God.
That one's taken a fuckin' smack nap.
We're gonna need Narcan
injectors for these junkies.
- [Goldstein] Yeah, or we can just let 'em
keep fucking euthanizing themselves.
- [Bishop] We're here
to help you guys take
your country back!
(gun fires)
(upbeat string music)
(faint yelling)
Take your country back!
(rifles firing)
We're doin' this shit for you guys!
(loud slashing)
For you guys!
For you guys!
We're here to help you guys
take your country back!
(upbeat string music)
- [Rich] What the fuck
are you doing, Murphy?
- What?
- Can't enjoy a little fuckin'
alone time in my own head?
- [Rich] It's not in your head,
it's in your fuckin' hand!
- Oh.
I can see how that--
[Bishop] How did you guys last this long?
- [Rich] Peltier.
- [Bishop] It's hot!
140 degrees!
- I am sick and tired of
having to fucking babysit you.
(Bishop yells indistinctly)
- I think you're being a little excessive.
- You're not in Fallujah, Murphy.
- I hate this!
- This is not
a conventional war.
This is COIN, do you understand that?
- Fuckin' no shit.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Still think your being
a little overdramatic about it.
- You're gonna fuck
these kids up in the head
if you keep up your psycho shit.
COIN, Murphy.
COIN, get that in your fucking head.
- I swear to God, I wanna kill
one of these motherfuckers.
- Bishop, you need to get
your fucking shit together.
Like it or not, those fuckin'
pieces of shit right there,
the future of Shit-ghanistan.
Boom, right there.
Better get fuckin' used to it.
Cannot forget, Bishop.
This is COIN.
We're fighting a counterinsurgency.
- [Bishop] (sighs) Roger that, Sir.
- Let's act like it.
(ANPs mumbling and laughing)
- [Bishop] Staff Sergeant,
you don't buy any
of that shit, right?
- Jesus Christ,
knock it off already!
It's our first day with these guys.
Believe it or not, it's
a part of our mission
so accept it, Bishop.
- [Bishop] This is fucked
up, Staff Sergeant.
It's fucked up.
- I know.
But it's the hand we're dealt
so help me integrate
them with the platoon.
- How the fuck am I supposed do that
when they can't perform
the most simple tasks?
- Perseverance?
Elbow grease or some shit?
Jesus Christ, do I have to babysit you,
Murphy, the whole fucking platoon?
Jesus.
(clears throat) Look, I fucking know
this babysitting shit sucks.
I have experience.
But listen, eventually we're gonna go back
to large scale ops and when we do,
we're gonna need every
swinging dick we got,
even the fucking Afghan ones.
(rifle fires)
- Bang!
(cheerful guitar music)
- [Marine] Whoa!
- [Marine] Oh, fuck!
- [Marine] He smoked himself!
♪ I believe in your soul ♪
♪ I know we need each other ♪
♪ I know our love is strong ♪
♪ We're still riding down this road ♪
♪ Ooh, my love, I can
feel you in my bones ♪
♪ This is real ♪
♪ I hear your voice too close ♪
♪ Oh, this feeling grows ♪
♪ While I'm filling out this void ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ Far beyond the limits everyday ♪
♪ Finding our soul anyway ♪
♪ Coming home, coming home ♪
(upbeat rock music)
- What?
- Jesus.
Fucking savages.
- Sir, my kid's about that age.
- I know it's shitty.
It really is, but we're not
here to change their culture.
Keep smiling, Teddy.
It's gonna be over very soon.
(man speaks in foreign language)
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Let's get down to it.
- "Have you been well?" they ask.
- Yes, and without further ado,
I would like to thank our honored guests.
For their graciousness and commitment,
with this token of our appreciation
- This small token we present
is a bridge that's been built
to make your campaign and
our campaign one campaign.
- He said he's very honored for the gift.
- Thank you, my friends.
This is a
very
beautiful gesture.
- Let's take a picture.
- [Photographer] Gentlemen,
do we want the boy
in the picture?
- All right, gentlemen, let's see a smile.
(upbeat rock music)
(camera clicks)
(gun firing)
(slow rock music)
(Fathullah grunts)
(loud plunking)
(Noora sighs)
(dogs barking)
(goats bleating)
(Noora gasps)
- Fuck this.
We've been fuckin' shit up
ever since Captain Barry got schwacked
and we haven't lost single Marine.
Now we're gonna attach some shitbags
on the back half of the pump?
- Whatever, man.
Let them take point.
ANPs are clutch at finding IEDs,
the easy way or the hard way.
(Mitchell laughs)
- I'm sure as shit ain't
letting them walk behind me.
It's like every fucking
month some ANP fucker smokes
an American out there.
Am I right?
- Well, think of it Like they're giving us
the opportunity to smoke Hajis
without even having to leave the wire.
(Goldstein chuckles)
- If we're lucky, they'll be dead
before they get one of us killed.
- Hey, fuck it.
At least they're willing to
pick up a rifle and fight.
It's more we can say about
these lazy ass villagers.
- True.
- Whatever, dude.
- All right, who wants in?
50, 20?
I'll go down to five if
you pussies are scared.
- (chuckles) Shit, Corporal.
I'm still hurtin' from
last time you jewed us.
You know, why do we
gamble with you anyway?
Can't just embezzle our
money like a normal Yid?
- For real.
- Fucking yeah.
But where's the fun in that?
All right, how about this?
Winner gets to yeet the first ANP
that turns out to be dirty?
(upbeat hip hop music)
Boop.
(marines mumbling)
- Welcome to the newest
Joint PB in Helmand.
We are honored by your presence
and we look forward to
our collaborative efforts.
(loud slurping)
- Aah!
(ANP soldiers chuckle)
- All you, sir.
- All right.
So this is the best of
the Afghan best, huh?
- [Marine] What's this
guy's doo rag all about?
Is he a blood or a crip?
- Good to go.
You guys got a lot of combat experience?
- He said, "More than you."
And he said he was born
in combat. (laughs)
(loud slurping)
- Wow, that's good shit.
Well, I'm excited to let you take point.
(Marines chuckling)
- He said if you teach him
how to use the minesweeper,
he will teach you how to fight. (laughs)
Sorry, sir.
- Thank you.
- Look at this motherfucker right here.
Ain't that look like that
Bear Jew motherfucker, right?
From that movie?
What's that movie called?
- Tarantino's movie.
- "Inglorious Basterds".
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Big ass,
dumb-lookin' motherfucker.
(ANPs laugh)
(suspenseful music)
(Fathullah speaks in foreign language)
(suspenseful music)
- All right, motherfuckers!
See that tent right there?
Look.
(Achmed speaks in foreign language)
- That's your tent.
If you're not takin' a shit,
if you're not on patrol, that's
the only place you'll be.
Got it?
(ANPs chuckle)
- If you do so happen
to find yourself outside
of your berthing tent, you
see this one right here?
Look.
- That one's ours.
You need to stay the fuck away from it.
(chuckles) Yeah, that one right there.
The one that sounds the like
a fuckin' murder circus?
Smells like big dicks.
That's ours.
I don't wanna see you anywhere near it.
Is that understood?
- Motherfucker.
They don't care, Sir.
- I know they don't care.
- No shit.
(loud slapping)
(Noora gasps)
(suspenseful music)
(Buhtpaki speaks in foreign language)
- [Man On Phone] Musa Qala
District Center Liaison Office.
English or Pashtu?
- Hello, yes, yes.
I would like to talk to DC liaison.
I would like to talk to
Lieutenant Colonel Jones.
- [Man On Phone] About what, Sir?
- I have a new drug trafficker for him.
- [Man On Phone] Yeah, we
got a lot of drug traffickers
out here in Musa Qala.
It's the main industry here, buddy.
- He also builds IEDs.
- IEDs?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- [Man On Phone] Okay, what
did you say your name was?
- Muhammad Al Buhtpaki.
- All right, Mr. Bukkake,
call back in 10 minutes
and I'll route you to a secure line.
- Buhtpaki!
How hard, Buhtpaki, Buhtpaki, Buhtpak--
(sighs)
- [Bishop] And another thing.
That big fuckin' machine right there?
You motherfuckers--
- Fucking dancing queen.
- [Bishop] That's our generator!
We ain't gonna teach you how to use it
so don't fuckin' touch it!
Got it?
Terp, tell 'em.
(Achmed speaks in foreign language)
- Gents.
- 'Sup, Bishop?
- (sighs) I got the ANP
set up outside their tent.
Now before I take them out with us.
Is it okay if I take them on
a mini patrol around the PB?
I don't trust 'em.
I need to see what they got.
- That could be fun to watch.
- Roger that, Sir.
All right, you Afghan pieces of shit!
- Go get 'em Bishop.
- No offense, Achmed.
- Oorah!
I shouldn't fucking get him riled up, huh?
- No, he's gonna kill someone.
- He's gonna fucking
kill one.
- He's gonna fucking
kill someone.
- All right.
Tell these fuckers I want them to walk
like they're out on patrol.
I want them in a ranger file.
I want them to maintain their distance.
I want two hands on their weapons.
I want them scanning the sectors.
I want their heads on a swivel.
You know, I want them to
pretend to be warriors.
Tell 'em that.
Yours, Sir.
(ANPs chuckle)
- All right, move out!
(ANPs laughing)
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
They look like a bunch of retard
kids on an Easter egg hunt.
- Dude, my grandmother's
got fuckin' dementia
and she looks less retarded
when she's finger painting
with her own shit.
(ANPs laugh)
- I don't know why
you guys are fuckin' laughin'!
(ANPs laugh)
- [Bishop] This is why you
guys are gonna fucking die.
- Dude, that one in the
back is fuckin' barefoot!
(Marines laugh)
- Yo, yo, yo, it's tactical.
That's how they find the IEDs better,
you know what I'm saying?
- Not tactical.
He's flat-footed.
- Fucking stupid
is what it is.
(ANPs laugh)
- [Marine] Bro, oh, my God,
look at that guy, he's so high.
(ANP Squad Leader answers
in foreign language)
(ANPs laugh)
- Oh, my God.
That one's taken a fuckin' smack nap.
We're gonna need Narcan
injectors for these junkies.
- [Goldstein] Yeah, or we can just let 'em
keep fucking euthanizing themselves.
- [Bishop] We're here
to help you guys take
your country back!
(gun fires)
(upbeat string music)
(faint yelling)
Take your country back!
(rifles firing)
We're doin' this shit for you guys!
(loud slashing)
For you guys!
For you guys!
We're here to help you guys
take your country back!
(upbeat string music)
- [Rich] What the fuck
are you doing, Murphy?
- What?
- Can't enjoy a little fuckin'
alone time in my own head?
- [Rich] It's not in your head,
it's in your fuckin' hand!
- Oh.
I can see how that--
[Bishop] How did you guys last this long?
- [Rich] Peltier.
- [Bishop] It's hot!
140 degrees!
- I am sick and tired of
having to fucking babysit you.
(Bishop yells indistinctly)
- I think you're being a little excessive.
- You're not in Fallujah, Murphy.
- I hate this!
- This is not
a conventional war.
This is COIN, do you understand that?
- Fuckin' no shit.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Still think your being
a little overdramatic about it.
- You're gonna fuck
these kids up in the head
if you keep up your psycho shit.
COIN, Murphy.
COIN, get that in your fucking head.
- I swear to God, I wanna kill
one of these motherfuckers.
- Bishop, you need to get
your fucking shit together.
Like it or not, those fuckin'
pieces of shit right there,
the future of Shit-ghanistan.
Boom, right there.
Better get fuckin' used to it.
Cannot forget, Bishop.
This is COIN.
We're fighting a counterinsurgency.
- [Bishop] (sighs) Roger that, Sir.
- Let's act like it.
(ANPs mumbling and laughing)
- [Bishop] Staff Sergeant,
you don't buy any
of that shit, right?
- Jesus Christ,
knock it off already!
It's our first day with these guys.
Believe it or not, it's
a part of our mission
so accept it, Bishop.
- [Bishop] This is fucked
up, Staff Sergeant.
It's fucked up.
- I know.
But it's the hand we're dealt
so help me integrate
them with the platoon.
- How the fuck am I supposed do that
when they can't perform
the most simple tasks?
- Perseverance?
Elbow grease or some shit?
Jesus Christ, do I have to babysit you,
Murphy, the whole fucking platoon?
Jesus.
(clears throat) Look, I fucking know
this babysitting shit sucks.
I have experience.
But listen, eventually we're gonna go back
to large scale ops and when we do,
we're gonna need every
swinging dick we got,
even the fucking Afghan ones.
(rifle fires)
- Bang!
(cheerful guitar music)
- [Marine] Whoa!
- [Marine] Oh, fuck!
- [Marine] He smoked himself!
♪ I believe in your soul ♪
♪ I know we need each other ♪
♪ I know our love is strong ♪
♪ We're still riding down this road ♪
♪ Ooh, my love, I can
feel you in my bones ♪
♪ This is real ♪
♪ I hear your voice too close ♪
♪ Oh, this feeling grows ♪
♪ While I'm filling out this void ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ Far beyond the limits everyday ♪
♪ Finding our soul anyway ♪
♪ Coming home, coming home ♪
(upbeat rock music)