A Different World (1987–1993): Season 5, Episode 8 - Liza Who-Little - full transcript

Here I am,
leaving on my art seminar

to enrich my mind
and elevate my career

and what is the future father
of my children doing?

Buying an inflatable doll?

No. Friday night
it's basketball
with boo boo Thomas.

Saturday it's football with...

What's the boy
with the ears name?

Let's just call him dopey.

And Sunday
he's cavorting with Ron

that high-faluting,
can't-graduate
four-eyed gigolo.

You shouldn't talk
about Ron like that.



He can graduate.

Anyway, I'm not talking
to Dwayne for a week.

Ah, the mature approach.

Give me that letter.

It's from my aunt,
Katherine Gilbert-Mayweather

from the Mayweather hotel chain.

You're kidding.

Don't be impressed.

She holds onto her nickels
so tight

you can see the Indian
ride the buffalo.

She never writes me
unless she wants something.

You know,
I think you're asking
too much of Dwayne.

I mean, he's locked up
all day with calculus

and teaching and counseling.



Man wants a little, you know...

Whitley?

Whitley?

Ho!

Whitley!

Whitley!

Whitley?
Whitley?

Listen to this.
It's a job offer.

"Dear whitley, I'm changing
the art in my hotels.

"Art works from all over
the world.

A perfect job
for my favorite niece."

I'm her only niece.

"Expense account
to fit your life-style

generous six-figure salary..."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

Wow! That's fantastic!

Uh-oh.

"P.s. Your cousin Liza
will be there

the weekend of the fifth."

That's this weekend.

"Please look after her."

Blah, blah, blah,
"aunt Katherine."

Well, what's Liza like?

She's like...

A sugar doughnut...
All sweet on the outside

and nothing but a big,
old empty hole in the middle.

So basically your family
is all alike.

Look at that whitley.

Well, isn't that pretty?

Nice little dead animal
to keep your neck warm.

You ever ask yourself

why they don't have paws
or feet, miss moneybags?

They're still caught
in the jagged teeth
of some steel trap.

Stop it, please.
You're upsetting my tummy.

Blood dripping from the paws.

Security! Security!

You think this is funny?

How would you like it
if I ripped that
off your neck?

Stop it!

Hold it right there.

What's with
the Michael Jackson impression?

My family is contributors
of save the dolphins

save the whale,
protect the prairie

and pet a marmoset.

You are supposed
to set an example

and instead,
you're a social pariah.

It's called Karma.

You're going to come back
as a baby seal.

Hey, Dwayne.

How you doing?

Hey, colonel.

What's the matter, son?
You look a little dazed.

Whitley.

Ah, youth.

I wish.

Whitley.

- You feel that?
- Uh-huh.

Remember.

I want you to remember
how you feel at this moment

and who made you feel that way.

Here you go.

Excuse me, general.
Where's whitley Gilbert's room?

Right through that door.

Thank you.

Surprise.

- Cousin!
- Not too close.

I feel a little cold coming on.

Ew! It's not
too serious, is it?

No.

Now, whitley Marion

I don't want you worrying
about me my first day here.

So, you're
the resident director.

Yes, I run this dorm.

You need to do something
about security.

When I was in the lobby
I got attacked
by a homeless girl.

What?

Yes, and she knew you.

She left before
I could give her
any change.

So...

How's your boyfriend Dwayne?

I can't wait to meet him.

Yes, you didn't have
any boys
at your school, did you?

Not in the classrooms.

So, little cousin

what would you like to do first?

I would like to blend in better
and since you and I wear
the same size...

You want to wear
some of my clothes.

If it's not too much trouble.

Be my guest.

Let's see.

How's this?

Too drab.

Do you have
anything in pink?
I love pink.

Mama says it brings out
the roses in my cheeks.

Hmm.

How about this?

Too Nancy Reagan.

Are you buying off the rack now?

Entrez.

Yo, break out the double mint.

Don't have a heart attack, Lena.

It's just my cousin, Liza.

Liza, this is
our resident homegirl, Lena.

Lena, Liza. Liza, Lena.

I like those funky threads.

Well, so much for pleasantries.

What can I do for you,
miss James?

Breena ain't stopped boohooing

since that brother from Avery
dumped her for...

What's her name?

She won miss Gilbert hall.
She won over you.

Quanda Mason?!

What's the brother
from Avery's name?

Fine Frankie Taylor.

Makes you want to say ow!

Ow!

He asked me
for my phone number once

but I don't have a phone.

I guess financial aid
has to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, I can't concentrate
on my work.

Fine. I'll call her.

Lena, I could sure use
your services.

I need some new outfits
and I like your style.

Join the club.

You can't get this
off the racks.

Breena, have some pride.

Believe me when I tell you

you are the farthest thing
from Frankie's mind right now.

Don't get sad. Get even.

Crazy glue?

I like that.

Where are you two going?

I'm going to take her shopping.

Going to hook up with some
dope, dope, dope rags.

No. I don't want
my cousin looking

like she came out
of the projects.

Whitley was always afraid
of the ghetto

but I love gold chains.

Aunt Katherine told me
to look after you

and while you are on
my campus
you will do as I say.

Whitley Marion,
I want to go shopping.

Then when I get back

we can have a little chitchat

about my mama's plans for you.

You know about that?

Mama tells me everything.

He looks talented.

Lena: Senior, handsome,
brilliant and buffed.

What's his father do?

I don't know but he's
on financial aid with me.

Moving right along.

What about him?

Who?

Him.

Girl friend, please,
get a grip on yourself.

That is Ron Johnson.

Class clown,
fool-for-all-seasons
the j.J. Of hillman.

That boy hits on anything
that has a pulse.

What does his father do?

He owns one of the largest
car dealerships in Michigan

which is a very good thing
because he's never
going to graduate.

Introduce us, please.

On second thought

you're probably perfect
for one another.

Your mama is so dumb

she sold her car for gas money.

Excuse me, Ron.

- Excuse me.
- Whoo!

I hate to bother you
while you're uplifting the race

but there is a young lady
who would like to meet you.

Oh, a private audience?

Who's the lucky female?

Whitley's cousin, Liza.

Class dismissed.

Ron, this is Liza.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Only my breathing.

It's getting
a little thick in here.

Oh, Lena.

Thank you for all your help.

Those outfits are really dopey.

No, no, no.
See, that's dope.

Dope.

Oh, those outfits
are really dope.

Yeah.

Allow me.

Allow me.

It's so nice to see
a boy with manners nowadays.

Would you care for a beverage?

Iced tea sounds yummy.

Iced tea, yes.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

- Give me two iced teas, quick!
- Oh, look at you...

Smiling so big
you'll get your ears wet.

New friend?

Haven't you met
whitley's cousin, Liza?

- No.
- Oh.

Well, give me two iced teas.
Come on, quicker.

She looks a lot like whitley.

Whitley? Surely you jest.

Anyone can see that Liza
is a rare flower

a delicate blossom.

Whitley, on the other hand,
belongs more
to the cactus family.

You certainly sound poetic
this afternoon.

I've always been
a poet at heart.

I just needed the right woman

to bring out the splendor
in the grass.

Thank you.

I've been watching her,
Mr. Gaines.

She looks at every man

as if he's a well-cooked
pork chop.

Well, put a apple in Ron's mouth

and the boy's ready
for the oven.

A little sour
to mix with the sweet?

Thank you.

Would you like some sugar
with your tea?

Just a brief stir
with your pinky finger

should be enough.

Oh, Ron.

Oh, please.

Does jaleesa ever stop
talking to you?

Of course!

Man, that is the oldest trick
in the woman's handbook.

What do you do?

I nibble on her toes
till she hollers for mercy.

That's what I do.

You put your mouth
on jaleesa's feet, man?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, gentlemen.

Surely you have met
whitley's cousin, Liza.

Whitley's cousin, Liza!

Very nice to meet you.
See you later, Ron.

I'll be counting the seconds.

Whoo, fine, isn't she?

Whitley's cousin, Liza.

She's whitley defanged.

Yeah, but have you seen
de teeth?

Are we jealous
because you got the original

and I got
the new-and-improved model?

Think so, huh?

I'm done. This is it.

I'm finished shopping for life.

Now hold on.
Wait a minute.

Now take it easy.

Colonel, who won the race

between the tortoise
and the hare?

The tortoise.
The tortoise.

Yeah, whatever.

I know she's going
to be my first wife.

I know.

That explains it.

Yeah, yeah. That does.

I should have known
something was wrong

when she grabbed my butt.

She grabbed your butt
and you thought
it was whitley

and you didn't tell me?

I'll talk to you later.
I got to split.

I ought to smack her
right in her overbite

but she keeps dangling
that curator position
in my face.

The buck-toothed tramp!

I saw her yesterday in the pit
hitting on all the men.

She ended up with Ron.

I can see that.

You said she went
to an all-girl school.

I guess she's making up
for lost time.

I guess.

Whitley, it's your cousin, Liza.

I don't want to talk to her.

Tell her I'm not here.

I'm not doing your dirty work.

Come on.
No, I'm not.

Get in the closet.

Whitley.

Anybody home?

Hello, whitley Gilbert's house.

Mama! It's me.

Fine.

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is whitley.

She hasn't aged very well,
and she's so snappy.

No, I don't think
she'll be right
for that curator job.

In fact, I have this letter
her boyfriend gave her
and he called her immature.

Yeah, Betsy McDonald would be
a much better choice.

Now, for the good news.
You were right.

If whitley can find a man,
so can I.

His name is Ronald Johnson.

Yeah... his daddy owns
a car dealership in Detroit

and he has a moustache.

Uh-huh.

Mama... mama, I have to go.

Whitley might come back
any minute.

Okay...
Just call me at the hotel.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Bye.

I'll show her snappy.

That little witch
is going to ruin my future!

Where did she get this letter?

Dwayne called me immature?

She's just a gold digger.

She doesn't care anything
about Ron.

What is all this
sudden interest with Ron?

No reason.

Don't give me that.

You like him.

Sure, I like him.

I mean, I've known him
for years.

What? Yes, I like him.
You like him.

We all like Ron.

So, Kimberly,
what are we going to do?

Something mean.

Something cruel.

Something devious.

Kimberly...

I am so proud of you.

Honestly, Dwayne,
Ron is your friend.

I shouldn't have
to blackmail you to help him.

You don't listen.
You are my woman,
and I love you

but if you ever tell me
you're not speaking to me
for a week again

I will drop you
like a bad habit, whitley.

Oh.

Oh, and I'm not through.

I was a serious sports fan
before I met you.

You knew that,
so spare me your dramas
when I go to a game.

I love it when you
take charge, daddy.

I am lucky to have you.

Yes, you are,
and don't you ever forget it.

I won't forget it.

- Ron!
- Forget him.

I didn't finish
telling you the plan.

I got plans of my own.

Liza, you look lovely.

That dress.

Thank you.

Ronnie gave it to me.

Just a little trinket
to celebrate
our second anniversary.

There are bigger
and better things to come.

I'm getting goose pimples.

Oh, bucky.

I didn't realize
you were so well-endowed.

Mama, gave them to me
for my 21st birthday.

I'm hungry.

Can I get some caviar?

Sure, for the same price
as a down payment on a yugo.

Honey, remember
we have to save
for our nest egg.

- Nest egg?
- Nest egg?

You only go around once, Ronnie.

Champagne, caviar

drinks on the house.

So how is that nice boy
you used to go out with?

Kenneth? He lied to me.

He said he was going
to become a surgeon
after he graduated pre-med.

So he didn't graduate
med school?

Worse. He became
a musician.

Oh. More wine, mutley?

All right, where is he?

Oh, no, you didn't.

Uh-oh.

There you are with another one
of your skeezers.

Where do you get them all...

The happy hooker yellow pages?

Who is this woman?

- Kim, I think.
- Oh, you think, now.

Last night it was "my beautiful
big butt bean pie baby

give me some sweet sugar."

Bean pie?

What the hell
are you talking about?

And I suppose
you don't remember laquesha

tonesha, shawneenee,
prometheus, and Ron Dante, Jr.?

Is this your wife?

- No. Tell her.
- No, it's not his wife.

It's just the mother
of his children.

I thought she was still
in that state hospital.

What in the hell
is going on here?

This is awful.

And it will get a lot worse.

I'll tell you what's going on.

Spending all my money
on a tramp.

You can have him.

I can get a man
with twice as much money.

This is peanuts.

Liza, this is all a mistake.

I'm going to morehouse.

It's the best performance
I've ever seen

since Dorothy dandridge
in Carmen Jones.

Thanks a lot.

You ruined my life.

Oh, partner, get a grip.
That girl was bad news.

She was manipulative,
conniving...

Everything I love in a woman.

She's a man-eater.

Always has been.

Ever since the crib.

She used to wink at men
for lollipops.

She would have owned
your daddy's car lot.

Kissing her
was like kissing Mr. Ed.

This is not
about ruining your game.

It's about saving you
from a barracuda.

All right, all right.

I know you're upset

'cause Kim ruined
your little love affair, but...

Ron:
Oh, shut up.

Kim, not too many people
could walk around in public

looking like celie
from the color purple...

But I appreciate it.

Well I got to go home.

Oh, I'll walk you home.

Thanks, um...

That's sweet.

You two aren't
the only ones getting busy.

Tonight, they are.