A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

(school bell rings)

I'm sure you're all wondering

why I'm not up for
"Most Likely to Succeed."

As editor of this paper,
I had to recuse myself.

I got nominated
for "Whitest."

Is that bad?
It's not, right?

How could it be bad, you know?

I mean, look at how cool
the sword you're drawing is.

It's not just any sword.
It's Excalibur,

the most famous sword
of all time.

(apple rolling)



(groans)
Ohh...

Should we be starting
to shut up now, Boss?

(Ramones' "Listen to My Heart")

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

(light music)

I'm up for "Most Original,"

the category formerly known as
"Biggest Freak."

Eduardo and I
have been nominated

for "Best Friends" again

but we don't need a trophy
to confirm our bond.

Yeah, that's 'cause
you know you're gonna lose

to Ashley Dorfman
and Amanda Jackson.



Ashlanda!
Ugh, love them.

I didn't get nominated
for anything.

Me neither.

But Craig Donovan made the list
for "Best Singer."

Sure, if you like a tenor
who pushes!

These, uh, superlatives
will never matter.

Nothing matters.

We're all just rapidly
decaying meat bags

we patch together with duct tape

till the bottom falls out.

Is your meat bag okay,
Mr. G?

Well, we'll find out
after my colonoscopy.

I don't know if I have, like,
a family history of anything

'cause I don't speak to my dad.

So to be safe,

I gotta drink this muck
for 24 hours

then get my butt probed.

I'm surprised that you're
opening up to us, Mr. Griffin.

Yeah, well, you guys
don't count, you know.

I'm hiding it from adults,

people who don't play
Pogs all day

while wondering
who shot Mr. Burns.

It's clear from your tone
that we've been savaged.

But I wonder if you could do it
again with updated references.

I cannot.

And now...

(thud)

I must leave you.

(phones buzzing, chiming)

Buckle up, people.

Amanda and Ashley
have had a fight!

They're off the ballot.

This could be our year!

We could go down
in Whitlock history.

Secret handshake time?

Gimme that knuckle candy.

(both whispering)
One, two, three.

(laughs)

Hmm?
I like his new boyfriend.

Hey, uh, Mary.
Hey.

Do you remember
a few months back

when, uh, we made
your grandma believe

that I was a firefighter
named Cash

and we were getting married
in a Catholic ceremony?

(chuckling) Yeah.
Yeah, well, um,

you kinda owe me.
I need a ride.

Yeah, sure.
Okay.

Where do you need to go?
Well, I don't wanna say.

Oh, hey, psst, I know
I'm not in this conversation,

but why can't you
drive yourself?

I'm omitting that as well.

Oh.
I'm obviously gonna know

once we get to the destination.

Unless it's
a nondescript building.

It's a nondescript building.

You know,
the more closed off you are,

the more I just wanna
take my nails and just...

(pops lips)
pry you open.

You're like that one
closed pistachio.

You know what happens
to the open pistachios?

They get eaten.

Well, see, that's the point.

Let us eat you,
little pistachio.

We will gain your powers!

Who do you think you are,
Ellen's DJ?

(sighs)

Ralph, you look pretty!

Ooh, ya smell nice too.

Oh, well, you look pretty
spiffy yourself.

Is that a new shirt?

Oh, gosh, no, this is my
grandfather's favorite shirt.

He was buried in it.

But then they reopened
the murder case, so...

Ooh!
There you are!

Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph!

I like it, so I'm gonna
put a class ring on it.

(laughter)

I better squeeze you!
Oh, you better!

How are you?
(gasps) Look at your hair!

Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie,

so weird you dropped by

just as I...
was gettin' my twirl on!

Ralph, are those devil sticks?

Yep.
I got 'em in the divorce.

I am as single as a $1 bill.

Mm!
Mm-hmm.

What is that wonderful scent
that I'm smelling?

Dark Temptation XL Body Spray.

Ha ha!
I knew it was you.

I'm gonna get that
for my mailman next Christmas.

That is so yummy on you.
Yeah, yeah.

Look at this.
Ooh!

Lookit. Lookit.
Oh, I can tell.

That looks like
something very special.

It's so special.
Uh-(stammers)

What you are looking at
is a lock of hair

of the legendary.

Weird Al Yankovic.
Ooh.

Marjorie, l-look,
this is a new trick.

I call this The Body Scan...
Watch this.

Whoa!
And then... yaaaah...

Opa!
Ooh! Ah, that was great!

Been workin' on it.
I was in line

at JoAnn Fabrics,

and who walks up
but the Bard himself?

So I cut a little bit
of his mane

when he wasn't paying attention.

Oh, wow!

This has truly made my day.

Oh, thank you.
Your hands have made my day.

They're soft.
They're real soft.

Okay!
Well, I gotta go

and peddle my wares.
(laughs)

Ah, it's so good.

I didn't want that to end.

(tense music)

(Muzak playing)

Here you go.

Don't return forms
until they're fully complete.

I-I prefer to discuss
some of these privately

with the doctor.
(weird voice) Excuse me,

is this where
you donate the urine?

I'm a universal donor!
What are you... doing?

(laughing)
What are you doing?

You should have told me
it was a doctor's appointment.

I've got a great butt guy.
Well, he's not a doctor,

but he knows what
he's doin' back there.

Sir, your forms!

First blank question.

When was your last evacuation?

Oh, this...
Yeah, when was that thing?

Come on, don't...

I think we'd all like to know.

This morning, on the drive over.

What... at the gas station?
Yep.

You said you were

buying gum, you little liar!
I did buy gum!

(loud laughing)
Ma'am!

Be quiet!

Everything in this waiting room

must be orderly.

Select a crayon.

Draw your stool so that
I can get on with my day.

Draw it?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey, Mary, I'm actually
pretty glad that you're here.

Thanks for keeping this
a secret, so...

Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest.

I would never tell Seacrest.

I mean, I think
he's got enough on his plate.

(laughs) You didn't
tell Lynette, did you?

'Cause... I just want...

I just want my butt
to be romantic.

No, for the 15th time,
I did not tell Lynette.

Okay, good.

So you're the only one
that knows that... good.

(dramatic music)

Knows what?
About your butt surgery?

Why is he face-up?

Hey, no, no.

No one else knowing...
my Seacrests...

(light music)

Can I ask you guys
a serious question?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Is this where
the baby comes out?

(laughter)

Errrr... pffft!

(laughter)
You ladies

are being very loud.

Ooh.
Sorry.

Only the patient's ride
needs to be in here.

No, actually, we are the ride,

all three of us.
Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe you'd be
more comfortable

waiting some place
more appropriate

like a McDonald's Play Place.

Ooh, I know she did not
just tell this Burger Queen

to go to McDonald's.

Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.

You said something
about a lollipop.

Oh, there's our big guy!
Aw.

Oh, are you okay?

No.
You're with Mr. Griffin?

Yeah.
I have some images

from today's exam.

W-What... w...

So what you're looking at
is the ascending colon.

You're gonna see some swelling,
especially in that photo.

Pass that down and make sure
everyone sees it.

Everyone doesn't need
to see it, that's...

Wait, but doctor,
why does this one

have a question mark
drawn on it?

That spot is where
I found a small polyp.

Wait, a polyp?
Most polyps are harmless.

We'll run some tests and call
you with the results tomorrow.

W-w-w-w...
For sure there's a polyp?

Here, y'all wanna see?
What are you doing?

Don't pass it to her!
Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Passing... ugh.
And why are you taking it?

That's crazy.

Ah-ah-hem!

We'd like to talk to you
all today

about our friendship.

We are hoping
that our words will inspire you

to vote for us
for Whitlock's "Best Friends."

"Friendship.

"Webster's Dictionary defines it

"as a person whom one knows

and with whom one..."

(electronic music)

Both: Friends!

Friends!

Friends!

Both: Besties!

Both: Friends!

They're campaigning
as write-in candidates,

and they're going hard!

Frickin' do-si-do...
now!

It's called The Serendipity.

Oh. Now, by that
do you mean this moment

or the ring?

I can't with you!

I'm sorry that I'm being
so funny and awesome

while you're trying to work.
Tell me about the ring.

Not until you tell me more
about these plates.

Oh, my...

Princess Di plates.
Well,

I just always really
admired, you know,

her stance on landmines.

Against.

Hmm.
Yeah.

I just started collecting them

around the same time
that my, uh...

(somber music)
Parents started arguing.

You poor, sweet man.

Would you teach me Instagram?

Oh! Somebody help me!

Helen, are you okay?
Oh!

I just bopped my face
on my monitor,

and I knocked my tooth out!

Thank heavens
it's your fake tooth

which can be replaced.

Well, this one isn't.

Oh, Helen, what are you doin'?

You're a wild one, aren't you?

Marjorie, Marjorie,
I-I wrote a new song!

Listen to this.

♪ Foot on the gas

♪ And I'm goin' too fast

♪ It's a rock n' roll car,
yeah ♪

No, don't got in there,
Marjorie.

Stay with me,
and I'll tell you the story

about when I came out
to my grandpa

in the Denny's parking lot
and it went just fine.

(laughs) What has gotten
into you two goofs, huh?

Because I want whatever
y'all are havin'.

(laughter)

(sighs)

(dramatic music)

Stef, what are you doing?

Well, I'm making sure
you're okay

while also testing out
some baby products.

Wait a minute... I wasn't
wearing pajamas before.

Did you change me?

Yes, we changed you.
Don't get weird.

Jack, you own
"Fifty Shades of Grey"?

All: Ooh!
Freaky-deaky!

All right, okay, there was
a month where everyone got it!

I-I didn't get the other shades!

Look, can you guys just
stop poking around my home?

I'm feeling a little...

Oh, um... vulnerable?

Whoops.
Actually, those are mine.

Those are my gym panties.

They must have fallen
outta my coat pocket.

Oh, is that... Look, enough!

Look, this day
has been a nightmare

from start to finish, okay?
I just wanna be alone.

Well, we're not
leaving you alone, okay?

We're gonna stay here
and tease you

and help you forget
about that scary test.

When Keith gets scared,
I sing to him.

♪ Don't you cry,
little doggie ♪

Stop!
No!

Okay, we get it.

You don't like to be goofed on.

You don't like dog songs.
What do you like?

I like getting revenge
on those who've wronged me.

(suspenseful music)

Oh, yeah,
that woman's got to pay.

(line ringing)

Agatha: Leave your name
and number after the beep

and try not to mumble
like a moron.

Oh.
(beep)

Hi, I'm a mermaid.

My name is...

Eeeeeeeee!
Eee-ee-ee...

(Russian accent) Hello.
I am snow saleswoman.

I will put you in igloo
today, uh...

(normal voice) No, I... I'm... I
wanna order a pizza, actually.

And, um, with, um...

I can't think of any toppings!

(beep)
I was referred to you by...

(groans)
Arrrrrhhhhh...

(beep)
Hello, my name is.

Peabody J. Taco
of the hard shell Tacos.

(beep)
Would you accept

a Groupon that expired in

(grunting)
Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh!

(Russian accent)
It is saleswoman of the snow.

And I sell the snow
by the flake.

Everyone is different.
Oh, no, pepperoni!

Pepperoni! Pep, please...
Oh, ah... bye.

(laughter)
Oh, my God.

(Irish accent)
Oh, Molly, I love ya.

Come to da poob and tip da pint!

What kind of accent is that?

Irish.

Uh-uh, girl,
that was full-on pirate.

(beep)
This is Horace T. Taco

of the soft shell Tacos.

Perhaps you know
my arch nemesis...

The mailbox is full
and cannot accept

any messages at this time.
It's full.

Good-bye.
It's full... we did it.

Yes!
Yes!

Ah!

Nice.

You guys wearing my sweatpants?

(indistinct chatter)

You think you're bester
friends than us?

We challenge you to a duel

that we hope that we will win.

Fine.
Sounds good.

All right, everybody,

just three questions left.

Let's take a little trip
to Tinseltown.

Victor, what is Eduardo's
favorite movie?

Oh, that's an easy one.
It used to be "Shanghai Noon,"

but now he can't
fall asleep at night

without watching
"Pitch Perfect 2."

Wait... does that mean
he hates "Pitch Perfect 2"

because it puts him to sleep?

I'm gonna need
a final answer, buddy.

Uh, "Shanghai Noon."
Final answer.

Eduardo.

Oh, my God!
Come on, man!

We talked a bunch
about how the young women

really find their stride
in the sequel.

All right, Grace, it is time
to ride the rainbow.

What's Anthony's favorite color?

Um, his shirt is blue,

so... blue?

Yes!

You literally see me!

I love my BFF!

My man!

It's time for the last question.

Eduardo, let's talk grub, bub.

What is Victor's favorite food?

Pot pie.
What?

Pot pie... you said just Friday

that my mother's pot pie
was the best in the world.

It's pizza.
It's pizza!

It's always pizza!

Ooh!
Ooh...

Eduardo, we're teens!

We're like two decades out
from lovin' pot pie.

Then why did Victor
say that to my mother

about her pot pie?

I was being nice!

Let's give it up
for our best friends...

(cheers and applause)

Helen, I know
it's been awkward, so...

I'm just gonna come out
and say it.

Today is Marjorie's last day
and...

I think you should ask her out.

I mean, your eyes light up

whenever she walks into
the room!

Yes, Marjorie
makes my nether regions

thump the "Law & Order" theme,

but I couldn't do that
to you, Ralph.

This is the first time
that you've flirted with anyone

since your divorce.

I would rather die again.

Oh, hi, Helen!

I have an extremely important
question to ask you.

If I said you had a nice body,

would you hold it against me?

Oh, it's a riddle?

Oh, uh...
of course I would

hold my body against you,
Marjorie,

and so would Ralph!

Ah! Both of you, huh?

'Cause that sounds like
my kinda party!

Well, maybe I'll swing by
later and we can, uh,

get into some trouble together?

(chuckles)
(dramatic music)

♪ Dun-dun

Did she just propose
what I think she did?

I think so.

A three-way at work.

Well, it's official.

I'm turning into my mother.
(chuckles)

But we... we... we can't!

I mean, right?

No! I mean, we can't
look at each other naked.

We're gonna say, "Marjorie,
we'll do things with you",

but not with each other?"
That's just weird!

Dear Marjorie, here's 102 rules

before we start smoochin'.

I mean, we could do
less rules, but...

(laughing) No, forget it!
(laughing)

Oh, no, that's crazy, right?

Whoo!
Ha ha ha ha.

What?

(laughter continues)

(loud, forced laugh)

(sighs)

Hi, um, I'm calling for
the results of my colonoscopy.

Jack Griffin.

Mr. Griffin,

I received 127 messages

from what sounded like you
and your loud friends.

(laughing)
Unfortunately,

all of those messages
flooded our system

and deleted your test results
to make space.

Wait, wait, wait.

Voicemails deleted
a test result?

H... that can't be a thing.

You'll need to get
another colonoscopy

tomorrow morning
to be absolutely certain

you're cancer-free.

I hope you and your friends
had fun, Mr. Taco.

(dramatic music)

She knows it was us
who did the prank calls.

She's making me do the test
again.

That sucks!
Damn!

Well, I guess she won.

(sucks tongue)
Or maybe not.

But it's gonna cost me
my last shred of dignity.

(dark music)

Aren't you forgetting something?

(sighs)

(clears throat)
In the end,

the winners of
the "Best Friends" category

were the write-in candidates.

Yes! You do the work,
you get the reward!

Oh!
Actually, I meant Ashley

and Amanda.
Yes! Ohh!

They're back, baby.

(melancholy music)

Here, you take these.

Ours was a sham
friendship anyways.

You two are the real BFFs.

We don't deserve your used hats.

(softly)
I said pot pie.

Come on, you're Victuardo.

During last night's
closing statements

of "Bunkbed Breakdown,"

we agreed that you guys
could be, like,

actual best friends.

It seems like you have a real
special thing gestating.

Then my brother threw up
and Victor had to go home.

Okay.

Although I am thrilled

that your loud,
obnoxious friends aren't here,

you do need to have
a ride present,

so you'll have to continue
to fast

and come back tomorrow
and take the test again.

Yeah, no.

Ihave a ride.

(louder)
I have a ride!

Whoo-hoo!
(laughing)

Ah!
Oh, no...

Oh, this is not...
No, this is it.

No, no, no, no.
These are my friends.

This is completely illegal.

You can't just come in
here like this.

No!
(everyone whooping)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is illegal!

(overlapping shouting, cheering)

No! Enough!
No?

Enough!
Oh.

Stop!

You want your results?
Fine.

Everything was clear.

And I'm happy to share it
with everyone.

(all whooping)

Please stop.
Just go.

No, no.
Please go away.

Ohh...

Hi!
Wow.

Oh, so glad you made it.

So that's you there, huh?

That's me!
Mmm!

Well, I'm glad you're healthy.
Mm-hmm.

Maybe next time I could
give you a ride, huh?

Okay.

Hey, um, you wanna
know something

that's even more humiliating
than this?

What?

I own
"Fifty Shades of Grey."

We all bought it that month.

Yeah.
You...

you did buy it
that month, right?

Yeah!

Hey, the whole school's
having a party

at my gastroenterologist's
and I'm not even invited?

(scoffs) Oof!

Y'all rascals here?

I'm heading out.

Oh.

(chuckles)

(sniffs)
Mmm.

Dearest Marjorie,
it's me, Ralph.

And me, Helen.
I'm the purple pen.

We think you're the best thing
since sliced ham.

Ralph:
And you've made me excited

about the idea of being single.

But because we are long-time
friends and coworkers...

Helen: We respectfully
decline your offer

of a sex three-way.

Ralph: You could just say
three-way.

Helen: Well, you could just
tell me that

instead of writing it down.

Ralph: Let's just start over!

Helen: This is my only piece
of stationary, Ralph.

Ralph: What about
the stationary with the cat

dressed as Shakespeare?

Helen: Well, that's tucked

under the copier
so it doesn't rattle.

Hey, are you hungry?

Ralph: I could use a bowl
of chili right now.

Shall we?