A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
I don't want to hear it.
Cinderella doesn't have to
put up with this shit.
I have given you enough chances.
Do you know how many times
I've heard you say,
"I'll change;
I swear I'll change"?
But you don't change.
I got bit,
and I don't know
which one of you did it,
'cause you all look alike,
but it's time to go.
Please leave.
(RATS CHITTERING)
Over your dead bodies, huh?
We will see about that.
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
Mr. Griffin, what are you
doing here so early?
And why are you wearing a tie?
Did someone die?
As a matter of fact, yes,
Anthony,
Professor Bruce J. Vogel
of the University of Wisconsin
philosophy department.
And the University of Wisconsin
needs to replace him,
so I'm polishing up a lecture
on transcendentalism
that I'm going to record
and submit.
Wisconsin can be, like,
my rebound school.
I thought we were
your rebound school.
No, Grace.
Whitlock is, like... like,
my drunken back alley hookup.
Winter break is coming up
just in time, Mr. Griffin,
a little respite
from the doldrums?
Do not engage me in small talk.
You'll never guess
what Captain Nasty
is doing for winter break.
I'm just staying home.
Me.
I'm Captain Nasty.
Everyone please call me that.
Mr. Griffin, U.W. Madison
is eight hours away.
If you move, will you miss us?
And also, what will happen with
you and the lovely Lynette?
I'm not worried about that.
We'll be fine.
I won't miss any of this.
Yeah, no...
If we're doing nicknames,
I would like people to begin
calling me Chop Shop.
(BELL RINGS)
So he says, "Time for lunch."
And I says,
"How about Wendy's?"
And he says,
"I'd prefer Burger King."
Hi.
So I says,
"Why don't we go to Arby's
so no one gets what they want?"
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Ms. Hofstadter.
Hey... laundry day?
(LAUGHS)
No, I'm actually recording
that lecture today.
Figured I'd give them
the full Harvard shock and awe.
Oh.
Hey, it's not too late
for you to join me
on my Habitat for Humanity trip.
I'd love to see you
in Daisy Dukes and a tool belt.
You know, this is the third
time you've brought that up.
Is this a real thing
you need me to do?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Mary, I renew my rejection
of this whole
cabin in the woods business.
I mean, I don't know how many
times I have to tell you.
I don't do full nature.
Are you kidding?
We are gonna have so much fun.
Three foxy mamas
in the great outdoors.
We're either gonna meet
a Bigfoot,
a Brawny paper towel man,
or a Leatherface.
And as you know,
two out of the three
are my type.
I'm mean, it's sure to beat
Michelle's pick
of San Antonio from last year.
I promised my dad I would
tour the Pace Picante factory
before he died, so I did it,
and then he died right away,
and now my mom sort of
blames me for it,
so yeah, Stef, really dull trip.
So just so I have this straight,
you guys pick an unappealing
destination each year,
and then you just sit around
all week?
We talk.
We make dinners.
We play our own original games.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, and the games
are gonna be so good this year.
We've got "Armpit, Knee Pit,
Toe Pit, Mouth,".
"Roof or Scare,"
"Guess Whose Butt,"
and "Try Not To Puke:
Dog Food Edition."
Woof.
Arf.
Well,
those games sound terrible.
Only if you don't like dog food.
Hey, what's with the tie, Jack?
Are you covering up
a soup stain?
Did you have soup
for breakfast, Jack?
No, I'm taping a lecture
on transcendentalism
as described
by Henry David Thoreau.
Well, I'm more interested
in Justin Theroux,
speaking of
Brawny paper towel men.
Hey, gang.
You want to know what I'll
be up to over winter break,
you'll have to get "inline."
(ALL GROANING)
'Cause my skates.
(BELL RINGS)
But do it quick like you're
ripping off a Band-Aid,
unless the Band-Aid
is the only thing
holding on a chunk
of your finger.
Oh, yeah, Ralph.
Oh, oh, hey...
Oh, hey, Jack.
Jack, do you tell your
siblings that you love them?
Um, I don't have any siblings,
but I like to think
that if I did,
I, uh... I would not.
Oh.
Well, I do.
I have a brother, Dennis Durbin,
and this is the week
that I finally tell him
that I love him.
Wow, hey, big step.
Right?
I'm gonna hold him down,
and I'm gonna yell in his face,
"Bro, I love you.
Deal with it."
You can do it.
(EXHALES)
Okay, hey, great plan.
So the reason I'm here is, uh...
What's my break like?
No.
Oh, well,
every year around this time,
I meet up with an old friend.
You want to know the backstory?
No, I don't,
but thank you for asking.
Would you change your mind
if I told you
that she's been accused
of eating eight people?
Oh, yes, obviously.
Eight people.
Yeah, no, go, go, go, go, go.
What happened?
15, 20 years ago
I spent my last pesos
getting from Cancun
to Isla Mujeres,
which I misunderstood to be
some magical lesbian paradise,
you know,
where it's only accessible
to horny young ladies
with the purest of hearts.
But it turns out it was
just a resort town.
Anyhow, I got a job
feeding chum to sharks
at the local shark sanctuary.
So one day in the sanctuary...
This part.
I was a little late
on feeding time,
and one of these babies,
oh, she got hangry.
And she tried to chomp
my me-meat.
Yikes.
Now, if I would have followed
Mexican fish laws,
I would have had to have her
put down,
but I refused to testify
much to the chagrin.
And then that toothy gal,
she thanked me
with a little bow,
so every year now
I fly down there,
and we boop noses,
and I feed her a bucket of chum.
It's really sweet.
You tricked me, Helen.
Ralph, I came to ask you
if I could borrow
the AV equipment
that's in your office
to make a quick video
after school tonight.
To record your side of our
"Amazing Race"
submission video?
Uh, still no on that, bud.
Yeah, it's hard for me to tell
where to come in
on some of those raps.
They're...
They're a little advanced.
They're all yours, just lock up
afterward, because...
♪ School's out
♪ For one week
(LAUGHTER)
(BELL RINGS)
Whoo!
Have a nice break.
You too. Bye.
Whoo-whee.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Okay.
(UPBEAT QUIRKY MUSIC)
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw
and complete itself alone
in its cocoon.
Likewise, for us to achieve
spiritual perfection
in the view
of transcendentalists
like Henry David Thoreau,
it is necessary to retreat
from the mindless
and negative influences
of society.
Which is why Walden concludes
with the idea
of that selfsame butterfly,
whose beauty is a call to action
for all to seek enlightenment
along the path set forth
by Justin Theroux.
Oh, Justin Theroux.
Justin Theroux?
Oh, God.
Augh, I was right at the end.
God, that's frustrating.
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw...
Subscribed to the Lockean image
of the mind,
but Thoreau thought
that that interpretation...
th... that interpre... th... that?
(SCOFFS)
To that?
Okay, yeah, no,
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
That...
Thoreau thought
that that... that... that...
that... that... that...
(CHUCKLES)
Is that right?
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Here we go!
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw
and complete itself alone...
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
The icy pond water awakened
not just his body but...
oh, why can't...
Why can't I do this?
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
Of course, low blood sugar.
I need food.
(SIGHS)
(CLASSIC MUSIC)
To achieve its perfect form,
a butterfly... no,
not a butterfly yet,
caterpillar first.
Thoreau thought
that that... that...
Well, now, that...
That feels like too many.
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
that... mm.
Just say it normal,
because it's a normal thing
to say, you know?
I think that that is my jacket.
We agreed that that
is for Grandpa.
No, I know that that
is for Grandma.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thoreau thought that...
that...
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That!
That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That!
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
(SIGHS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
♪
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(HISSING NOISE)
.
(HISSING NOISE)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Oh,
what is that god-awful smell?
(COUGHS)
Hello?
Are you in
a caterpillar costume?
Ahh!
(TENSE MUSIC)
Ahh! Ohh!
Get out of here.
Ahh! Ahh!
(GASPING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
That! That! That!
(GROANS)
Sleep on a filthy floor,
you're gonna have
some weird nightmares.
Hi!
Ahh!
Jesus, Helen,
what are you doing here?
Oh, you know I can't
stay away from Whitlock long.
I've got school spirit
buzzing deep in my guts,
like when I swallowed that fly.
Helen, I can't do this
right now.
The only way I could catch it
was to send out
a spider after it, but oh,
that bugger wiggled
and jiggled and wriggled.
So then I swallowed a bird to
catch the spider and that fly.
(EXHALES)
Basic cartoon logic after that.
I swallowed a cat
to catch the bird.
Then I swallowed a dog
to catch the cat.
Then I was in a real pickle.
I couldn't figure out
what was gonna catch the dog.
But by then I had
pretty serious angina.
(CACKLING)
Okay.
To achieve its perfect form,
the...
Jack, you're here.
We thought that that video
would be done by now.
Yeah, unfortunately, it's not.
What happened with the cabin?
You should play with us.
Want to be the first guesser
and "Dirty Durbs"?
You guess which one of us
is Durbin peeing,
pooping, or masturbating.
(TOGETHER)
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Okay, well,
that's definitely peeing.
Wait, no, no, no, no.
I don't have time for your dumb
fun games.
I've got to do this video.
Want to play "Hot Butt,
Cold Butt"?
No, I...
(TOGETHER)
Come play with us.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Both:
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw...
Marcus, stop saying
everything along with me.
(IN MARCUS' VOICE)
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must...
What the hell?
Do I sound like Marcus
right now?
(GASPING)
Ahh!
(WHIMPERING)
Mm... augh.
(GRUNTS)
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
I want this job.
I'm so overqualified.
Jack, you're still here.
Working on your video.
Yeah, but everybody
keeps stopping me.
Let's get you back
on the right track.
What's the problem?
I got sketty on my shirt.
I've got what you need
right here.
Everything you need is always
right in front of you, Jack.
Always check the lost and found.
Which is why Walden concludes
with the idea
of that selfsame butterfly,
whose beauty is a call to action
for all to seek enlightenment
along the path set forth
by Henry David Thoreau.
Thank you.
That's enough screen time
for you, mister.
Helen, Helen, no.
What are you doing?
Don't sabotage me.
(CACKLING)
(LAUGHTER)
Mom?
Mm, Jackie.
(LAUGHS)
Hi, honey. Come in. Come in.
Hey, Jack.
Come on in, buddy.
(LAUGHS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Hey, have you guys seen my iPad?
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, J.G.,
you got a funny-looking spleen,
man.
No offense.
I think I found the heart.
Girl, that's a bladder.
How would we know?
We never learned biology.
I have to go.
Why are you keeping me
from leaving?
Oh, we're not keeping you
from anything, Mr. Griffin.
You're doing all of this.
Your mind has created
an entire world of distractions
to keep you from doing
that video.
You know, it's almost like
you don't want to leave.
Yes, I do.
I think I do.
Does anyone know
where this goes?
I'll make room for it.
Ahh!
.
(TOGETHER)
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Come play with us.
Ahh!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Ohh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, my God. It's Monday.
It's been a whole week.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ooh, Durbs, guess what.
We just added a new body part
to "Armpit, Knee Pit,
Toe Pit, Mouth."
Oh, please,
don't tell me at school.
Earhole.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank God.
Yes.
I had assumed exactly
that color, a three-piece.
It was a swimsuit.
Elegant.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you guys.
Oh, Helen, what happened?
Well, I'm starting to think
that the relationship I have
with that animal is not
what I thought it was.
Hi, friend.
Mmm.
How did it go?
Did you tell your brother
that you loved him?
Uh, well,
I kind of sort of choked
on saying that exact phrase,
so...
That's okay, Ralph.
It's hard to be vulnerable.
Yeah, and you have to respect
the fact
that he may not be there yet.
Yeah, I just feel kind of bad,
because a bunch of times
he said, "I love you,"
and I said, "Yeah, good, good,
good, good, good."
Oh, well, I'm sure he knows
how you feel.
Well, at one point he said,
"Do you love me?
Because I can't tell."
And I said, "I don't know,"
and I got into a Lyft
and went to the airport.
Just full choke.
Thank you.
You know who else choked
maybe the hardest of all?
(TOGETHER)
Jack!
Hey, hey, hey.
Yay, you're back.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
How are you, bud?
We missed you.
I choked Rollerblading.
Hello, Ms. Hofstadter.
Hi.
Mwah! Hi.
Hey, I got you this
from a Tennessee gas station
whose bathroom I ultimately
could not bring myself to use.
"In dog beers,
I've only had one."
(LAUGHS)
You were thinking about me.
Yeah.
Um, hey, I have to talk
to you about something.
Yeah, in fact, I actually
have to tell all of you
about something important that
I realized while you were gone.
I realized... Oh, hey.
What's your beef, brother?
Is this about Jodie?
Who's Jodie?
Uh, I... sorry,
I don't know what this is.
Why'd you pop me, man?
I was trying to fumigate
the school,
and you friggin' popped me.
Wait, you were here?
Yeah, Einstein.
I was trying to get you
out of here
before you breathed in
that rodenticide.
That stuff could kill a rat
in one sniff.
And they trip balls
on the way out.
(SQUEALING)
Wait a minute. Wait.
So I was tripping
on rat poison the whole time?
Yeah, probably, Einstein.
Einstein.
Well, that's great news, Dale.
I've got to say,
it's really great news, man.
I'm so sorry I punched you
in the face.
Come here. Come here.
Oh, Jack.
(LAUGHS)
I can't stay mad at you.
Okay. All right.
So, Jack, what did you learn?
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Uh, well, I, uh,
I invented a new game.
Yes. Thank God.
Okay, all right.
Yes, here we go.
Yeah,
it's called "Dirty Durbs."
(TOGETHER) Awesome. Oh, my God.
I like it. "Dirty Durbs."
Yeah, and...
And the way it works is,
based on the level of ecstasy
or pain that you're perceiving
in his face,
you have to determine
whether he's peeing, pooping,
or masturbating.
(TOGETHER)
Ohh. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and the thing is...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.
All right, everybody shut your
precious, beautiful mouths.
You know, after spending
an entire week alone
in this empty school,
I realized that I can't survive
without community.
And I came to appreciate
all of you.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
And I decided
that I wanted each of you
to finish this year
knowing more biology
than any student ever has.
Mr. Griffin, I know we've had
our differences in the past.
Uh, yeah, hold that thought,
Sarika,
because the biggest thing
that I learned is that
prolonged exposure
to rodent-killing gas
causes hallucinations
and irrational ideation.
And all these things
that I thought I'd learned,
well...
chemically induced illusions
caused by a dying brain.
But now...
I've got my thinker back
in the pink.
And everything's back to normal.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Um, boss.
♪ I touch you twice
♪ I won't let go
at any price ♪
♪ I need you now
like I needed you then ♪
That! That! That!
Heh-heh!
Cinderella doesn't have to
put up with this shit.
I have given you enough chances.
Do you know how many times
I've heard you say,
"I'll change;
I swear I'll change"?
But you don't change.
I got bit,
and I don't know
which one of you did it,
'cause you all look alike,
but it's time to go.
Please leave.
(RATS CHITTERING)
Over your dead bodies, huh?
We will see about that.
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
Mr. Griffin, what are you
doing here so early?
And why are you wearing a tie?
Did someone die?
As a matter of fact, yes,
Anthony,
Professor Bruce J. Vogel
of the University of Wisconsin
philosophy department.
And the University of Wisconsin
needs to replace him,
so I'm polishing up a lecture
on transcendentalism
that I'm going to record
and submit.
Wisconsin can be, like,
my rebound school.
I thought we were
your rebound school.
No, Grace.
Whitlock is, like... like,
my drunken back alley hookup.
Winter break is coming up
just in time, Mr. Griffin,
a little respite
from the doldrums?
Do not engage me in small talk.
You'll never guess
what Captain Nasty
is doing for winter break.
I'm just staying home.
Me.
I'm Captain Nasty.
Everyone please call me that.
Mr. Griffin, U.W. Madison
is eight hours away.
If you move, will you miss us?
And also, what will happen with
you and the lovely Lynette?
I'm not worried about that.
We'll be fine.
I won't miss any of this.
Yeah, no...
If we're doing nicknames,
I would like people to begin
calling me Chop Shop.
(BELL RINGS)
So he says, "Time for lunch."
And I says,
"How about Wendy's?"
And he says,
"I'd prefer Burger King."
Hi.
So I says,
"Why don't we go to Arby's
so no one gets what they want?"
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Ms. Hofstadter.
Hey... laundry day?
(LAUGHS)
No, I'm actually recording
that lecture today.
Figured I'd give them
the full Harvard shock and awe.
Oh.
Hey, it's not too late
for you to join me
on my Habitat for Humanity trip.
I'd love to see you
in Daisy Dukes and a tool belt.
You know, this is the third
time you've brought that up.
Is this a real thing
you need me to do?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Mary, I renew my rejection
of this whole
cabin in the woods business.
I mean, I don't know how many
times I have to tell you.
I don't do full nature.
Are you kidding?
We are gonna have so much fun.
Three foxy mamas
in the great outdoors.
We're either gonna meet
a Bigfoot,
a Brawny paper towel man,
or a Leatherface.
And as you know,
two out of the three
are my type.
I'm mean, it's sure to beat
Michelle's pick
of San Antonio from last year.
I promised my dad I would
tour the Pace Picante factory
before he died, so I did it,
and then he died right away,
and now my mom sort of
blames me for it,
so yeah, Stef, really dull trip.
So just so I have this straight,
you guys pick an unappealing
destination each year,
and then you just sit around
all week?
We talk.
We make dinners.
We play our own original games.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, and the games
are gonna be so good this year.
We've got "Armpit, Knee Pit,
Toe Pit, Mouth,".
"Roof or Scare,"
"Guess Whose Butt,"
and "Try Not To Puke:
Dog Food Edition."
Woof.
Arf.
Well,
those games sound terrible.
Only if you don't like dog food.
Hey, what's with the tie, Jack?
Are you covering up
a soup stain?
Did you have soup
for breakfast, Jack?
No, I'm taping a lecture
on transcendentalism
as described
by Henry David Thoreau.
Well, I'm more interested
in Justin Theroux,
speaking of
Brawny paper towel men.
Hey, gang.
You want to know what I'll
be up to over winter break,
you'll have to get "inline."
(ALL GROANING)
'Cause my skates.
(BELL RINGS)
But do it quick like you're
ripping off a Band-Aid,
unless the Band-Aid
is the only thing
holding on a chunk
of your finger.
Oh, yeah, Ralph.
Oh, oh, hey...
Oh, hey, Jack.
Jack, do you tell your
siblings that you love them?
Um, I don't have any siblings,
but I like to think
that if I did,
I, uh... I would not.
Oh.
Well, I do.
I have a brother, Dennis Durbin,
and this is the week
that I finally tell him
that I love him.
Wow, hey, big step.
Right?
I'm gonna hold him down,
and I'm gonna yell in his face,
"Bro, I love you.
Deal with it."
You can do it.
(EXHALES)
Okay, hey, great plan.
So the reason I'm here is, uh...
What's my break like?
No.
Oh, well,
every year around this time,
I meet up with an old friend.
You want to know the backstory?
No, I don't,
but thank you for asking.
Would you change your mind
if I told you
that she's been accused
of eating eight people?
Oh, yes, obviously.
Eight people.
Yeah, no, go, go, go, go, go.
What happened?
15, 20 years ago
I spent my last pesos
getting from Cancun
to Isla Mujeres,
which I misunderstood to be
some magical lesbian paradise,
you know,
where it's only accessible
to horny young ladies
with the purest of hearts.
But it turns out it was
just a resort town.
Anyhow, I got a job
feeding chum to sharks
at the local shark sanctuary.
So one day in the sanctuary...
This part.
I was a little late
on feeding time,
and one of these babies,
oh, she got hangry.
And she tried to chomp
my me-meat.
Yikes.
Now, if I would have followed
Mexican fish laws,
I would have had to have her
put down,
but I refused to testify
much to the chagrin.
And then that toothy gal,
she thanked me
with a little bow,
so every year now
I fly down there,
and we boop noses,
and I feed her a bucket of chum.
It's really sweet.
You tricked me, Helen.
Ralph, I came to ask you
if I could borrow
the AV equipment
that's in your office
to make a quick video
after school tonight.
To record your side of our
"Amazing Race"
submission video?
Uh, still no on that, bud.
Yeah, it's hard for me to tell
where to come in
on some of those raps.
They're...
They're a little advanced.
They're all yours, just lock up
afterward, because...
♪ School's out
♪ For one week
(LAUGHTER)
(BELL RINGS)
Whoo!
Have a nice break.
You too. Bye.
Whoo-whee.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Okay.
(UPBEAT QUIRKY MUSIC)
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw
and complete itself alone
in its cocoon.
Likewise, for us to achieve
spiritual perfection
in the view
of transcendentalists
like Henry David Thoreau,
it is necessary to retreat
from the mindless
and negative influences
of society.
Which is why Walden concludes
with the idea
of that selfsame butterfly,
whose beauty is a call to action
for all to seek enlightenment
along the path set forth
by Justin Theroux.
Oh, Justin Theroux.
Justin Theroux?
Oh, God.
Augh, I was right at the end.
God, that's frustrating.
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw...
Subscribed to the Lockean image
of the mind,
but Thoreau thought
that that interpretation...
th... that interpre... th... that?
(SCOFFS)
To that?
Okay, yeah, no,
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
That...
Thoreau thought
that that... that... that...
that... that... that...
(CHUCKLES)
Is that right?
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Here we go!
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw
and complete itself alone...
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
The icy pond water awakened
not just his body but...
oh, why can't...
Why can't I do this?
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
Of course, low blood sugar.
I need food.
(SIGHS)
(CLASSIC MUSIC)
To achieve its perfect form,
a butterfly... no,
not a butterfly yet,
caterpillar first.
Thoreau thought
that that... that...
Well, now, that...
That feels like too many.
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
Thoreau thought that that...
that... mm.
Just say it normal,
because it's a normal thing
to say, you know?
I think that that is my jacket.
We agreed that that
is for Grandpa.
No, I know that that
is for Grandma.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thoreau thought that...
that...
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That! That!
That! That! That!
That! That! That! That!
That! That!
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
(SIGHS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
♪
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(HISSING NOISE)
.
(HISSING NOISE)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Oh,
what is that god-awful smell?
(COUGHS)
Hello?
Are you in
a caterpillar costume?
Ahh!
(TENSE MUSIC)
Ahh! Ohh!
Get out of here.
Ahh! Ahh!
(GASPING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
That! That! That!
(GROANS)
Sleep on a filthy floor,
you're gonna have
some weird nightmares.
Hi!
Ahh!
Jesus, Helen,
what are you doing here?
Oh, you know I can't
stay away from Whitlock long.
I've got school spirit
buzzing deep in my guts,
like when I swallowed that fly.
Helen, I can't do this
right now.
The only way I could catch it
was to send out
a spider after it, but oh,
that bugger wiggled
and jiggled and wriggled.
So then I swallowed a bird to
catch the spider and that fly.
(EXHALES)
Basic cartoon logic after that.
I swallowed a cat
to catch the bird.
Then I swallowed a dog
to catch the cat.
Then I was in a real pickle.
I couldn't figure out
what was gonna catch the dog.
But by then I had
pretty serious angina.
(CACKLING)
Okay.
To achieve its perfect form,
the...
Jack, you're here.
We thought that that video
would be done by now.
Yeah, unfortunately, it's not.
What happened with the cabin?
You should play with us.
Want to be the first guesser
and "Dirty Durbs"?
You guess which one of us
is Durbin peeing,
pooping, or masturbating.
(TOGETHER)
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Okay, well,
that's definitely peeing.
Wait, no, no, no, no.
I don't have time for your dumb
fun games.
I've got to do this video.
Want to play "Hot Butt,
Cold Butt"?
No, I...
(TOGETHER)
Come play with us.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Both:
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must withdraw...
Marcus, stop saying
everything along with me.
(IN MARCUS' VOICE)
To achieve its perfect form,
a caterpillar must...
What the hell?
Do I sound like Marcus
right now?
(GASPING)
Ahh!
(WHIMPERING)
Mm... augh.
(GRUNTS)
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
I want this job.
I'm so overqualified.
Jack, you're still here.
Working on your video.
Yeah, but everybody
keeps stopping me.
Let's get you back
on the right track.
What's the problem?
I got sketty on my shirt.
I've got what you need
right here.
Everything you need is always
right in front of you, Jack.
Always check the lost and found.
Which is why Walden concludes
with the idea
of that selfsame butterfly,
whose beauty is a call to action
for all to seek enlightenment
along the path set forth
by Henry David Thoreau.
Thank you.
That's enough screen time
for you, mister.
Helen, Helen, no.
What are you doing?
Don't sabotage me.
(CACKLING)
(LAUGHTER)
Mom?
Mm, Jackie.
(LAUGHS)
Hi, honey. Come in. Come in.
Hey, Jack.
Come on in, buddy.
(LAUGHS)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Hey, have you guys seen my iPad?
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Yo, J.G.,
you got a funny-looking spleen,
man.
No offense.
I think I found the heart.
Girl, that's a bladder.
How would we know?
We never learned biology.
I have to go.
Why are you keeping me
from leaving?
Oh, we're not keeping you
from anything, Mr. Griffin.
You're doing all of this.
Your mind has created
an entire world of distractions
to keep you from doing
that video.
You know, it's almost like
you don't want to leave.
Yes, I do.
I think I do.
Does anyone know
where this goes?
I'll make room for it.
Ahh!
.
(TOGETHER)
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Pee, poop, masturbate.
Come play with us.
Ahh!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Ohh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, my God. It's Monday.
It's been a whole week.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ooh, Durbs, guess what.
We just added a new body part
to "Armpit, Knee Pit,
Toe Pit, Mouth."
Oh, please,
don't tell me at school.
Earhole.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank God.
Yes.
I had assumed exactly
that color, a three-piece.
It was a swimsuit.
Elegant.
Oh, I'm so glad to see you guys.
Oh, Helen, what happened?
Well, I'm starting to think
that the relationship I have
with that animal is not
what I thought it was.
Hi, friend.
Mmm.
How did it go?
Did you tell your brother
that you loved him?
Uh, well,
I kind of sort of choked
on saying that exact phrase,
so...
That's okay, Ralph.
It's hard to be vulnerable.
Yeah, and you have to respect
the fact
that he may not be there yet.
Yeah, I just feel kind of bad,
because a bunch of times
he said, "I love you,"
and I said, "Yeah, good, good,
good, good, good."
Oh, well, I'm sure he knows
how you feel.
Well, at one point he said,
"Do you love me?
Because I can't tell."
And I said, "I don't know,"
and I got into a Lyft
and went to the airport.
Just full choke.
Thank you.
You know who else choked
maybe the hardest of all?
(TOGETHER)
Jack!
Hey, hey, hey.
Yay, you're back.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
How are you, bud?
We missed you.
I choked Rollerblading.
Hello, Ms. Hofstadter.
Hi.
Mwah! Hi.
Hey, I got you this
from a Tennessee gas station
whose bathroom I ultimately
could not bring myself to use.
"In dog beers,
I've only had one."
(LAUGHS)
You were thinking about me.
Yeah.
Um, hey, I have to talk
to you about something.
Yeah, in fact, I actually
have to tell all of you
about something important that
I realized while you were gone.
I realized... Oh, hey.
What's your beef, brother?
Is this about Jodie?
Who's Jodie?
Uh, I... sorry,
I don't know what this is.
Why'd you pop me, man?
I was trying to fumigate
the school,
and you friggin' popped me.
Wait, you were here?
Yeah, Einstein.
I was trying to get you
out of here
before you breathed in
that rodenticide.
That stuff could kill a rat
in one sniff.
And they trip balls
on the way out.
(SQUEALING)
Wait a minute. Wait.
So I was tripping
on rat poison the whole time?
Yeah, probably, Einstein.
Einstein.
Well, that's great news, Dale.
I've got to say,
it's really great news, man.
I'm so sorry I punched you
in the face.
Come here. Come here.
Oh, Jack.
(LAUGHS)
I can't stay mad at you.
Okay. All right.
So, Jack, what did you learn?
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Uh, well, I, uh,
I invented a new game.
Yes. Thank God.
Okay, all right.
Yes, here we go.
Yeah,
it's called "Dirty Durbs."
(TOGETHER) Awesome. Oh, my God.
I like it. "Dirty Durbs."
Yeah, and...
And the way it works is,
based on the level of ecstasy
or pain that you're perceiving
in his face,
you have to determine
whether he's peeing, pooping,
or masturbating.
(TOGETHER)
Ohh. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and the thing is...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.
All right, everybody shut your
precious, beautiful mouths.
You know, after spending
an entire week alone
in this empty school,
I realized that I can't survive
without community.
And I came to appreciate
all of you.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
And I decided
that I wanted each of you
to finish this year
knowing more biology
than any student ever has.
Mr. Griffin, I know we've had
our differences in the past.
Uh, yeah, hold that thought,
Sarika,
because the biggest thing
that I learned is that
prolonged exposure
to rodent-killing gas
causes hallucinations
and irrational ideation.
And all these things
that I thought I'd learned,
well...
chemically induced illusions
caused by a dying brain.
But now...
I've got my thinker back
in the pink.
And everything's back to normal.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Um, boss.
♪ I touch you twice
♪ I won't let go
at any price ♪
♪ I need you now
like I needed you then ♪
That! That! That!
Heh-heh!