A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Were you followed?
No.
I was very cautious,
just like you said.
Good.
This could potentially be
very embarrassing for us.
Couple dudes like us
not knowing how
to unclasp a bra?
Is that your sister's?
Yep.
My mom got rid of all of hers
after a double mastectomy.
Oh, my God.
Eduardo, I'm so sorry.
You never told me that.
It's okay.
She's safe now.
(SIGHS)
She was so brave
through the whole thing.
I've heard it said
that women hold up half the sky,
but it sounds like
she's holding up more
than her fair share.
She's a queen for sure.
Was it scary for you?
It was.
(SIGHS)
I'm just glad she's okay.
Okay.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh, man.
Okay, okay.
Oh.
No, no.
That wasn't it.
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
(TENSE MUSIC)
Okay, everybody,
shut your teenage pie holes...
Because your principal's here.
Everybody, a round of applause
for your principal.
Come on.
Let's go.
(APPLAUSE)
Hi.
Hey.
Um...
You just hit me with an apple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Oh, man, I am late as hell.
(SCOFFS)
Dale's got traffic stopped
out by, uh, Secor.
I guess he found a pothole,
looks like a mouth.
Well, that is amazing news,
although I think we all have
a headline of our own.
Oh.
Yeah, most of your students
are part of Ms. Duncan's
Young Entrepreneurs Club.
Yeah, I bet everybody
except Dan Decker
are part of that nerdy-ass club.
(LAUGHS)
Actually,
I'm in that club too, Mr. G.
Oh, no.
What are you guys doing to him?
You are ruining him.
Well, it's a great club.
I doubt it.
And they're always looking
for the next big thing.
Uh, by the way,
how are things going
with your philosophy book?
Oh, pretty good.
Yeah, pretty all right...
A little birdie told me you
have not yet found a publisher.
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
This is the path you're on, Dan.
Actually, I thought that
was a pretty cool way to show
he was the little birdie.
(SIGHS) Oh, come on.
Well, there is, uh,
one publisher you have not
submitted your manuscript to.
RanDurb House.
Oh, no.
I, uh, finally finished
your new book.
This thing is smart.
Why didn't you tell me
about it, you egghead?
Ye... uh, this is not my book.
Well, I mean, it's your words,
but the illustrations
are by yours truly.
Oh, God.
I am speechless.
Oh, great, Ralph.
You're here. Perfect.
I am here to announce
the winner of this month's
"Lunch with the Principal."
It's Caleb Baker.
Seriously?
I won?
You and I get to hang and talk
about your days on the road
with your old ska band
The Skankee Doodles?
You got it, rude boy.
(LAUGHS)
See you tomorrow at noon.
Yes!
Holy crap, yes!
You see it, you write it down,
and then it happens.
You that bitch, Caleb.
You that bitch.
Ooh!
Uh, Caleb?
Can you not smoke?
Yeah.
All right, everybody.
You know the routine, guys.
Pass them to the center
and throw them right
in the little trash bag there.
Appreciate it.
A book of this caliber should
not come with a set of crayons.
The edible crayons are my idea.
Well, in the end, we couldn't
afford the edible crayons.
(SIGHS) Look, uh,
I'm sure you guys
worked very hard
to produce this abomination,
but uh, Bobby Bunny learns
to love his job
at the carrot factory?
Come on.
I thought satisfaction
in manual labor
was the message of your book.
Yeah, but for people,
not for little cartoon bunnies.
Mmm, the bunnies
made it relatable.
Marissa, slap Marcus.
But I'm the bad girl.
Oh, yuck.
Ugh.
All right, new rule:
I don't want any you ever
to refer to yourselves
as bad girls or boys.
But what if I've been
a very bad boy?
Dan, do you see?
Do you see?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Durbin was right to appoint me
head of
the Young Entrepreneurs Club
because I like
to make that money.
You know, my little cash cows
are presenting their project
ideas this afternoon.
You two should come and watch.
I would love to.
Oh, come on.
What are you...
What are you guys doing?
Gimme these.
Gimme these.
What?
I need more time with the maze.
I have left-right blindness.
Uh-uh!
Uh-uh!
Excuse me!
What?
I know you are not stealing
my inventory.
Okay, if you want these books,
you're gonna have
to pay for them.
(SIGHS) All right, fine.
I'll pay for them,
but I'm taking them all,
and you have to tell me
everybody you've sold one to
so far.
♪ One, two!
(UPBEAT SKA MUSIC)
(SNORING)
♪ One, two!
♪ If you ever hear a noise
in the night ♪
♪ Your body starts to sweat
♪ It shakes and shivers
in fright ♪
♪ You go and sleep
with your mother ♪
♪ She hates your guts,
she knows that you love her ♪
Cool bunny book.
♪ It's obscene!
Hey, Jack!
No, hey!
Aw!
(SIGHS)
♪ One, two!
♪ And your girlfriend
sweet little seventeen ♪
♪ She's got her layered hair
and her flared jeans ♪
No.
No.
No!
It's mine.
(GRUNTS)
Ahh!
Ha, ha!
There you go!
You got it!
(LAUGHING MANICALLY)
This is our presentation for
the Young Entrepreneurs Club.
Nowadays, there are over 75
million women in the workforce.
So they don't have time
to be messing with
a bra clasp all day.
Introducing
the Velcro bra.
Well, this nightmare's
almost over.
Oh, what's happening?
Victor and Eduardo
don't know how to undo bras.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that makes sense.
(SIGHS)
Hey, hey, Jack.
Yeah?
Big news.
Okay, first, I just went by
the faculty lounge.
The book is completely sold out.
Uh-huh.
It's amazing.
Second, I sent my copy
over to Channel Six,
and they wanna talk to us
tomorrow morning.
The one that got away.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that all sounds great.
So exciting.
Um, I would love to, but
you know, I can't miss class.
Oh, gosh, well,
I guess I could, you know,
talk about
your philosophy myself.
You can trust Bobby Bunny!
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
Um, this is such a well
intentioned thing, Ralph,
but the philosophy world
can just be so brutal...
Hmm.
In its criticism of new
works, you know?
And I'm just worried that,
you know,
some of the finer points
may be lost on...
On yo... on Bobby the Bunny.
Well, I mean,
it's just Bobby Bunny,
but you know what?
(SIGHS)
You tell me to say,
and I will say it.
Oh, God.
Uh, you know what?
I will join you.
Yes!
And I'll do all the talking.
All righty then!
Oh, that reference.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Maybe we can listen to ska
on the drive over.
Yes, I'll see you tomorrow
at noon.
Awesome.
Okay, my sweet, greedy angels.
It's time to invest
in a new venture.
Now will we save the world?
I do not care as long as we...
ALL: Make that money.
It's a college acceptance
letter tracking binder.
Give me something I can sell,
Sarika.
You know, something
for the masses.
The masses don't know
what they want.
The problem:
Countless lost hours
in America's
meat packing industry
waiting on slow bleeding hogs.
The solution:
The Piggy Whistle.
ALL: Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
(DISTRESSING MUSIC)
(IMITATING PIG SQUEALING)
That's gonna be a pass.
Next.
Ms. Duncan, you don't like
any of our ideas.
What do you want?
A stupid t-shirt
with a fart joke?
(CHUCKLES)
Wait, Sarika,
what'd you just say?
Yo, Ms. Duncan, I got it.
It's a t-shirt that says
"Gone Tootin'."
An irreverent take on the
classic Gone Fishin' shirt.
Now see,
that's what I'm talking about.
Now that smells like money.
Excuse me.
This is Popo,
my beloved grandmother.
Recently, she slipped on an
orange while grocery shopping.
Please, open your hearts
and invest $500
to cover the deductible
for Popo's knee surgery.
Oh, Yuyao.
Did you think this was
the Young Charity Case Club?
(LAUGHS)
No.
Put your hand down.
You have to go with that one.
Ooh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if it's "Gone Tootin',
Be Back at Poo-thirty."
Okay, that's our next project.
Boom.
(LAUGHS)
(LINE RINGING)
Popo.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
We're live in 30.
So what do you think?
Jack, Jack.
Too much or just right?
No, no, Ralph,
why'd you even bring that?
Too much? All right.
Yes.
Why did you even bring it?
Well, I thought it was
a good idea.
Okay, okay, oh, hey.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Okay.
Oh, hi.
Oh, hi.
Ralph. Ralph.
Hi, how are you?
Wow, that's nice.
Oh, that's Gucci, baby.
Oh, that's cool too.
Oh, you like that?
Impressive right?
I've got a guy.
We'll talk after the show.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, yeah.
Okay, so, um, I'm Jack.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Wrote the book, yeah.
I was thinking we'd start
by talking about Plato
and then I would move on...
And we're live
in five, four, three...
(CHEERY MUSIC)
Good morning, Toledo.
We're here with Jack and Ralph,
two best friends
that wrote one big book
about bunnies.
"Get Hoppy."
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my gosh,
you have to put these on.
Oh, you know, those...
Oh, you have to do it.
No.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I'm... I'm here to talk
about Jack's philosophy things.
Yeah, yeah, we're not...
That's... that's...
Please.
No, Ralph.
No, Ralph.
Ralph?
Don't you mean Bobby Bunny!
(LAUGHTER)
Good morning, Toledo!
We didn't know Bobby Bunny
was gonna be here!
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Oh, look at that!
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, fascinatingly,
the book really asks
whether the drudgery
of our daily mundanity,
uh, is really drudgery at all,
or is it actually...
(LAUGHS)
Uh-oh, looks like Mark's
dozing off here.
Yeah.
Earth to co-host!
(LAUGHS)
(SNORING)
I'm up.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm crazy.
Crazy.
Hey, do this for me:
Tell me about this character,
Bobby Bunny.
Oh, yeah, we...
Okay, here's what I'm wondering.
Is a panda a kind of bunny?
Because I heard
it was actually a rat,
and that makes me sick.
So, so, Jack,
my question to you is,
are pandas bunnies or rats?
Uh...
Uh, if anyone out there works
for a university,
I am a former Harvard professor.
I'm open to working
in inclement weather.
We'll be right back
after the break.
Making breakfast nachos
with Chef Don Chacho!
Ooh.
Those are gonna be fun.
(LAUGHS)
And we're clear.
(GRUNTING)
Where am I
in regards to the street?
Uh, the...
This way?
Yes.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
What a grump.
(LAUGHS)
Ralph, why don't you
stick around
and help us make nachos
with Chef Don Chacho?
Um, I...
Hey, brother.
Listen up.
I'll tell you right now.
I'd ride this wave,
'cause when you're hot,
you're hot,
and right now my friend,
you are blazing.
Well, I... I guess I can
as long as
they're carrot nachos!
Oh, you are bad!
(LAUGHTER)
Nonstop!
Nonstop!
Bad bunny!
Where are we getting
these people?
(BELL RINGS)
(SIGHS) Oh.
Hey, there, Mr. Morning Show!
Yeah, uh,
I need to talk to Durbin.
Well, he's not back yet.
What?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Should I shred some onions
over these?
(IMITATES CHEWING)
(LAUGHS)
(IMITATES CHEWING)
He skipped lunch with a student?
Look at him.
He dressed like Beetlejuice
for this.
I'm ska.
(SCOFFS) He's scared.
I'm ska too.
Very ska,
but Durbin come back safe safe.
Don't worry.
And I'm a bunny!
(LAUGHTER)
(IMITATES CHEWING)
It's go time.
Yeah, I got this.
I got this.
Okay.
The man, the myth,
the legend, Coach Novak.
So what if you didn't
have to tell people
what kind of man you are?
Am I supposed to be
telling people that?
What if people saw how
you were dressed and thought,
"I know this man.
He's edgy."
Gone Tootin'.
Ha!
Boy, you got my number.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Oh, don't mind us.
We're just raising money
for Yuyao's grandmother.
I guess we're
what you might call
a charity case club.
Uh, Coach.
Focus.
So the shirt is $10.
Coach, Coach,
let me ask you a question.
When you die,
what are you gonna remember?
The fart shirt
or saving an old woman's knee?
(SARAH MCLACHLAN'S "ANGEL")
(BANJO MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Just give me back them
cat pictures sometime.
(THE STRANGLERS' "PEACHES")
♪ Strolling along
minding my own business ♪
♪ Well, there goes a girl
and a half ♪
♪ She's got me going
up and down ♪
♪ She's got me
going up and down ♪
♪ Walking on the beaches,
looking at the peaches ♪
Ralph, why didn't you call?
Did you dye your chest hair?
Gucci, baby.
Pew.
I thought we were getting lunch.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
Here.
Got you something better.
TV nachos.
Hold my calls.
I had a light beer up
at the show,
and this bunny needs to nap.
(DOOR SHUTS)
I'm so sa.
This ends now.
(SOMBER PIANO MUSIC)
Look, I know you're gonna
get all sad,
but the morning show?
(SCOFFS)
That was an embarrassment
for both of us.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
You were the embarrassment,
Jack.
I'm blazing.
They love Bobby Bunny.
They want me back
on the show tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, okay.
Fine.
Good luck on the show tomorrow.
I can't wait to see how it goes.
(IMITATES CHEWING)
I called this emergency meeting
because the shirts
aren't selling.
I need new strategies.
What if we changed
the slogan to.
"Be Back
at Poo Squirty p.m."?
Pee!
"Pee Back at Poo Squirty p.m."
"Gone Tootin',
Pee Crack Shat
Poo Squirty Dicks B.M."
Okay, okay, Ms. Duncan,
look.
The shirts are not the problem.
The shirts are perfect.
It's optics.
How are we gonna beat
an old lady in a wheelchair?
(GRIM MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Terrence.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey.
Do...
Oh.
Ugh.
(HORNS HONKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
I told you it'd make you feel
better to feed the street.
Oh, it does.
Is that right?
(LAUGHS)
Canadians say "eh."
You know what?
I make a mean waffle.
Oh.
Oh, hey, um...
Uh, Mr. Durbin, we're not
gonna need you this morning.
Oh, no, go check
your clipboard, babe.
Uh, Mark asked for me himself.
We have a hot news story
that's breaking.
(LAUGHTER)
All right, speaking of food...
Mm-hmm.
I just wanna introduce you
to a very special guest,
Dale the janitor.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, just Dale is fine.
Janitor Dale.
Mm-hmm.
We got a tip that you're the
center of a Toledo sensation
the Street Mouth.
That's right.
Mm.
"Street Gotta Eat."
Dale, what caused you,
a lowly janitor,
to take on world hunger?
When I was driving into work,
I noticed that the street
was smiling and happy.
Oh.
But on my way home,
I realized it was sad.
Aw.
That's why I fed it those peas.
There's some great sweets
in there.
Yum.
Muffins, doughnuts, cookies.
He's not there.
Maybe he we're on
for Spaghetti Warehouse.
I'm just double-checking.
Do you want Spaghetti Warehouse?
'Cause you're dressed
like Bob's Big Boy.
But uh, mainly
it's just cans of peas.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course, cans.
Peas?
Classic.
Who needs peas
when you've got carrots?
Oh, it's a carrot storm!
♪ Bobby Bunny,
dancing to-and-fro ♪
♪ Bobby Bunny,
good morning, Toledo ♪
Security.
Ooh, here comes
Mr. Policeman.
Oh, but Bobby Bunny's too quick.
He's too quick!
Ow!
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
Taser!
Ow!
(BLEEP)!
Okay.
(BLEEP)!
Well, you got what you wanted.
Ow!
Shit!
Looks like this is the end
of Bobby the Bunny.
Shit!
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
It's just Bobby Bunny.
That's what happens
on a live show, folks.
(LAUGHS)
(REWINDING)
What makes the nachos
breakfast nachos?
Those would be eggs.
Oh ho ho ho!
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
That's egg-cellent.
Where did you go wrong?
There from Tijuana's Egg Farm.
Ooh.
Oh, she had a job.
Thank you so much.
Yes, absolutely.
You got cheese here which is...
(SIGHS)
I was blazing, Jack.
I was...
Just yesterday, and now I'm...
colder than one of
those fancy cold soups.
Full disclosure,
I'm the one who told
Mark and Molly
about Dale's Street Mouth.
They would've found it
one way or the other.
That... that pothole
looks just like a mouth.
Yeah, it does,
but it's a pothole.
Ralph, I mean,
you're better than a pothole.
Thanks.
(LAUGHS)
You know, uh,
it seems like Bobby Bunny
was pretty happy
working at the carrot factory.
Whitlock High
is my carrot factory.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Jack, I...
My chest hair isn't black.
I...
I dyed it.
Yeah.
Everyone knows.
It's okay.
Yeah, but Jack,
I didn't stop with the drapes.
I, uh...
I did the carpet too.
I... my carpet is all messed up,
just wall to wall.
(SIGHS) Yeah, that's, uh...
That's, you know,
certainly something
to get figured out.
Yeah.
(AWKWARD MUSIC)
It's tough
to, uh...
Tough stuff, bud.
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
Ralph Durbin, if you are
not here to take this poor boy
directly to Spaghetti Warehouse,
you better turn
your sweet patoot around.
We got a 2:30 rez,
rude boy.
Hell yes!
(LAUGHS)
I'm so hungry.
Okay.
Oh.
So The Skankee Doodles
were about to open
for The Toasters,
but our trumpets
had been stolen...
Yeah.
Ladies, you have been served.
Yuyao's grandmother
is now exclusively
with the Young Entrepreneurs.
Uh, we won.
(LAUGHS)
Except that our goal
was to help Yuyao's grandmother
all along.
Right, so we all won.
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay, I get to keep making
my dope-ass shirts,
and y'all get to stop pretending
that you don't want one.
I love the shirts.
I just want one so bad!
I love 'em.
I love 'em so much.
I like the part
about "Poo-thirty."
(LAUGHS)
Flatulence.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SIGHS)
Uh, sorry to... interrupt?
I just wanted to bring back
the last remaining copy
of your book.
Destroy as you see fitted.
Ah, well, that's sweet.
You know, why don't you keep
this one, Ralph?
I, uh, I think I'm gonna
keep one for myself.
I was doing the word search,
and it was a lot of fun.
Oh.
It was a bit of a doozy though.
Lot of Spanish profanities
in there.
Uh, well,
Eduardo helped me out
with that one and...
did not know that.
Now I'm the one
who is a very bad boy.
Well, look, I...
I wanna to apologize
for saying I never needed you.
I always have,
and I always will.
Well, you know,
we just met in September, so...
Yeah, okay.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, what'd you end up doing
with your chest hair?
The che... oh, well, I was able
to bleach the drapes...
Mmm.
But had to take the carpeting
down to the hardwood floor.
Oh.
(WHISTLES)
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean
when I say that?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Yes, Ralph,
I know what you mean.
Thank God.
Yeah.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
(HORNS HONKING)
Peas on Earth.
ALL: Peas on Earth.
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
Ah, the old street mouth
pea can scam.
(LAUGHS)
Were you followed?
No.
I was very cautious,
just like you said.
Good.
This could potentially be
very embarrassing for us.
Couple dudes like us
not knowing how
to unclasp a bra?
Is that your sister's?
Yep.
My mom got rid of all of hers
after a double mastectomy.
Oh, my God.
Eduardo, I'm so sorry.
You never told me that.
It's okay.
She's safe now.
(SIGHS)
She was so brave
through the whole thing.
I've heard it said
that women hold up half the sky,
but it sounds like
she's holding up more
than her fair share.
She's a queen for sure.
Was it scary for you?
It was.
(SIGHS)
I'm just glad she's okay.
Okay.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh, man.
Okay, okay.
Oh.
No, no.
That wasn't it.
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
(TENSE MUSIC)
Okay, everybody,
shut your teenage pie holes...
Because your principal's here.
Everybody, a round of applause
for your principal.
Come on.
Let's go.
(APPLAUSE)
Hi.
Hey.
Um...
You just hit me with an apple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Oh, man, I am late as hell.
(SCOFFS)
Dale's got traffic stopped
out by, uh, Secor.
I guess he found a pothole,
looks like a mouth.
Well, that is amazing news,
although I think we all have
a headline of our own.
Oh.
Yeah, most of your students
are part of Ms. Duncan's
Young Entrepreneurs Club.
Yeah, I bet everybody
except Dan Decker
are part of that nerdy-ass club.
(LAUGHS)
Actually,
I'm in that club too, Mr. G.
Oh, no.
What are you guys doing to him?
You are ruining him.
Well, it's a great club.
I doubt it.
And they're always looking
for the next big thing.
Uh, by the way,
how are things going
with your philosophy book?
Oh, pretty good.
Yeah, pretty all right...
A little birdie told me you
have not yet found a publisher.
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
This is the path you're on, Dan.
Actually, I thought that
was a pretty cool way to show
he was the little birdie.
(SIGHS) Oh, come on.
Well, there is, uh,
one publisher you have not
submitted your manuscript to.
RanDurb House.
Oh, no.
I, uh, finally finished
your new book.
This thing is smart.
Why didn't you tell me
about it, you egghead?
Ye... uh, this is not my book.
Well, I mean, it's your words,
but the illustrations
are by yours truly.
Oh, God.
I am speechless.
Oh, great, Ralph.
You're here. Perfect.
I am here to announce
the winner of this month's
"Lunch with the Principal."
It's Caleb Baker.
Seriously?
I won?
You and I get to hang and talk
about your days on the road
with your old ska band
The Skankee Doodles?
You got it, rude boy.
(LAUGHS)
See you tomorrow at noon.
Yes!
Holy crap, yes!
You see it, you write it down,
and then it happens.
You that bitch, Caleb.
You that bitch.
Ooh!
Uh, Caleb?
Can you not smoke?
Yeah.
All right, everybody.
You know the routine, guys.
Pass them to the center
and throw them right
in the little trash bag there.
Appreciate it.
A book of this caliber should
not come with a set of crayons.
The edible crayons are my idea.
Well, in the end, we couldn't
afford the edible crayons.
(SIGHS) Look, uh,
I'm sure you guys
worked very hard
to produce this abomination,
but uh, Bobby Bunny learns
to love his job
at the carrot factory?
Come on.
I thought satisfaction
in manual labor
was the message of your book.
Yeah, but for people,
not for little cartoon bunnies.
Mmm, the bunnies
made it relatable.
Marissa, slap Marcus.
But I'm the bad girl.
Oh, yuck.
Ugh.
All right, new rule:
I don't want any you ever
to refer to yourselves
as bad girls or boys.
But what if I've been
a very bad boy?
Dan, do you see?
Do you see?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Durbin was right to appoint me
head of
the Young Entrepreneurs Club
because I like
to make that money.
You know, my little cash cows
are presenting their project
ideas this afternoon.
You two should come and watch.
I would love to.
Oh, come on.
What are you...
What are you guys doing?
Gimme these.
Gimme these.
What?
I need more time with the maze.
I have left-right blindness.
Uh-uh!
Uh-uh!
Excuse me!
What?
I know you are not stealing
my inventory.
Okay, if you want these books,
you're gonna have
to pay for them.
(SIGHS) All right, fine.
I'll pay for them,
but I'm taking them all,
and you have to tell me
everybody you've sold one to
so far.
♪ One, two!
(UPBEAT SKA MUSIC)
(SNORING)
♪ One, two!
♪ If you ever hear a noise
in the night ♪
♪ Your body starts to sweat
♪ It shakes and shivers
in fright ♪
♪ You go and sleep
with your mother ♪
♪ She hates your guts,
she knows that you love her ♪
Cool bunny book.
♪ It's obscene!
Hey, Jack!
No, hey!
Aw!
(SIGHS)
♪ One, two!
♪ And your girlfriend
sweet little seventeen ♪
♪ She's got her layered hair
and her flared jeans ♪
No.
No.
No!
It's mine.
(GRUNTS)
Ahh!
Ha, ha!
There you go!
You got it!
(LAUGHING MANICALLY)
This is our presentation for
the Young Entrepreneurs Club.
Nowadays, there are over 75
million women in the workforce.
So they don't have time
to be messing with
a bra clasp all day.
Introducing
the Velcro bra.
Well, this nightmare's
almost over.
Oh, what's happening?
Victor and Eduardo
don't know how to undo bras.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that makes sense.
(SIGHS)
Hey, hey, Jack.
Yeah?
Big news.
Okay, first, I just went by
the faculty lounge.
The book is completely sold out.
Uh-huh.
It's amazing.
Second, I sent my copy
over to Channel Six,
and they wanna talk to us
tomorrow morning.
The one that got away.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that all sounds great.
So exciting.
Um, I would love to, but
you know, I can't miss class.
Oh, gosh, well,
I guess I could, you know,
talk about
your philosophy myself.
You can trust Bobby Bunny!
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
Um, this is such a well
intentioned thing, Ralph,
but the philosophy world
can just be so brutal...
Hmm.
In its criticism of new
works, you know?
And I'm just worried that,
you know,
some of the finer points
may be lost on...
On yo... on Bobby the Bunny.
Well, I mean,
it's just Bobby Bunny,
but you know what?
(SIGHS)
You tell me to say,
and I will say it.
Oh, God.
Uh, you know what?
I will join you.
Yes!
And I'll do all the talking.
All righty then!
Oh, that reference.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Maybe we can listen to ska
on the drive over.
Yes, I'll see you tomorrow
at noon.
Awesome.
Okay, my sweet, greedy angels.
It's time to invest
in a new venture.
Now will we save the world?
I do not care as long as we...
ALL: Make that money.
It's a college acceptance
letter tracking binder.
Give me something I can sell,
Sarika.
You know, something
for the masses.
The masses don't know
what they want.
The problem:
Countless lost hours
in America's
meat packing industry
waiting on slow bleeding hogs.
The solution:
The Piggy Whistle.
ALL: Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
(DISTRESSING MUSIC)
(IMITATING PIG SQUEALING)
That's gonna be a pass.
Next.
Ms. Duncan, you don't like
any of our ideas.
What do you want?
A stupid t-shirt
with a fart joke?
(CHUCKLES)
Wait, Sarika,
what'd you just say?
Yo, Ms. Duncan, I got it.
It's a t-shirt that says
"Gone Tootin'."
An irreverent take on the
classic Gone Fishin' shirt.
Now see,
that's what I'm talking about.
Now that smells like money.
Excuse me.
This is Popo,
my beloved grandmother.
Recently, she slipped on an
orange while grocery shopping.
Please, open your hearts
and invest $500
to cover the deductible
for Popo's knee surgery.
Oh, Yuyao.
Did you think this was
the Young Charity Case Club?
(LAUGHS)
No.
Put your hand down.
You have to go with that one.
Ooh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if it's "Gone Tootin',
Be Back at Poo-thirty."
Okay, that's our next project.
Boom.
(LAUGHS)
(LINE RINGING)
Popo.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
We're live in 30.
So what do you think?
Jack, Jack.
Too much or just right?
No, no, Ralph,
why'd you even bring that?
Too much? All right.
Yes.
Why did you even bring it?
Well, I thought it was
a good idea.
Okay, okay, oh, hey.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Okay.
Oh, hi.
Oh, hi.
Ralph. Ralph.
Hi, how are you?
Wow, that's nice.
Oh, that's Gucci, baby.
Oh, that's cool too.
Oh, you like that?
Impressive right?
I've got a guy.
We'll talk after the show.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, yeah.
Okay, so, um, I'm Jack.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Wrote the book, yeah.
I was thinking we'd start
by talking about Plato
and then I would move on...
And we're live
in five, four, three...
(CHEERY MUSIC)
Good morning, Toledo.
We're here with Jack and Ralph,
two best friends
that wrote one big book
about bunnies.
"Get Hoppy."
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my gosh,
you have to put these on.
Oh, you know, those...
Oh, you have to do it.
No.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I'm... I'm here to talk
about Jack's philosophy things.
Yeah, yeah, we're not...
That's... that's...
Please.
No, Ralph.
No, Ralph.
Ralph?
Don't you mean Bobby Bunny!
(LAUGHTER)
Good morning, Toledo!
We didn't know Bobby Bunny
was gonna be here!
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Oh, look at that!
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, fascinatingly,
the book really asks
whether the drudgery
of our daily mundanity,
uh, is really drudgery at all,
or is it actually...
(LAUGHS)
Uh-oh, looks like Mark's
dozing off here.
Yeah.
Earth to co-host!
(LAUGHS)
(SNORING)
I'm up.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm crazy.
Crazy.
Hey, do this for me:
Tell me about this character,
Bobby Bunny.
Oh, yeah, we...
Okay, here's what I'm wondering.
Is a panda a kind of bunny?
Because I heard
it was actually a rat,
and that makes me sick.
So, so, Jack,
my question to you is,
are pandas bunnies or rats?
Uh...
Uh, if anyone out there works
for a university,
I am a former Harvard professor.
I'm open to working
in inclement weather.
We'll be right back
after the break.
Making breakfast nachos
with Chef Don Chacho!
Ooh.
Those are gonna be fun.
(LAUGHS)
And we're clear.
(GRUNTING)
Where am I
in regards to the street?
Uh, the...
This way?
Yes.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
What a grump.
(LAUGHS)
Ralph, why don't you
stick around
and help us make nachos
with Chef Don Chacho?
Um, I...
Hey, brother.
Listen up.
I'll tell you right now.
I'd ride this wave,
'cause when you're hot,
you're hot,
and right now my friend,
you are blazing.
Well, I... I guess I can
as long as
they're carrot nachos!
Oh, you are bad!
(LAUGHTER)
Nonstop!
Nonstop!
Bad bunny!
Where are we getting
these people?
(BELL RINGS)
(SIGHS) Oh.
Hey, there, Mr. Morning Show!
Yeah, uh,
I need to talk to Durbin.
Well, he's not back yet.
What?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Should I shred some onions
over these?
(IMITATES CHEWING)
(LAUGHS)
(IMITATES CHEWING)
He skipped lunch with a student?
Look at him.
He dressed like Beetlejuice
for this.
I'm ska.
(SCOFFS) He's scared.
I'm ska too.
Very ska,
but Durbin come back safe safe.
Don't worry.
And I'm a bunny!
(LAUGHTER)
(IMITATES CHEWING)
It's go time.
Yeah, I got this.
I got this.
Okay.
The man, the myth,
the legend, Coach Novak.
So what if you didn't
have to tell people
what kind of man you are?
Am I supposed to be
telling people that?
What if people saw how
you were dressed and thought,
"I know this man.
He's edgy."
Gone Tootin'.
Ha!
Boy, you got my number.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Oh, don't mind us.
We're just raising money
for Yuyao's grandmother.
I guess we're
what you might call
a charity case club.
Uh, Coach.
Focus.
So the shirt is $10.
Coach, Coach,
let me ask you a question.
When you die,
what are you gonna remember?
The fart shirt
or saving an old woman's knee?
(SARAH MCLACHLAN'S "ANGEL")
(BANJO MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Just give me back them
cat pictures sometime.
(THE STRANGLERS' "PEACHES")
♪ Strolling along
minding my own business ♪
♪ Well, there goes a girl
and a half ♪
♪ She's got me going
up and down ♪
♪ She's got me
going up and down ♪
♪ Walking on the beaches,
looking at the peaches ♪
Ralph, why didn't you call?
Did you dye your chest hair?
Gucci, baby.
Pew.
I thought we were getting lunch.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
Here.
Got you something better.
TV nachos.
Hold my calls.
I had a light beer up
at the show,
and this bunny needs to nap.
(DOOR SHUTS)
I'm so sa.
This ends now.
(SOMBER PIANO MUSIC)
Look, I know you're gonna
get all sad,
but the morning show?
(SCOFFS)
That was an embarrassment
for both of us.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
You were the embarrassment,
Jack.
I'm blazing.
They love Bobby Bunny.
They want me back
on the show tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, okay.
Fine.
Good luck on the show tomorrow.
I can't wait to see how it goes.
(IMITATES CHEWING)
I called this emergency meeting
because the shirts
aren't selling.
I need new strategies.
What if we changed
the slogan to.
"Be Back
at Poo Squirty p.m."?
Pee!
"Pee Back at Poo Squirty p.m."
"Gone Tootin',
Pee Crack Shat
Poo Squirty Dicks B.M."
Okay, okay, Ms. Duncan,
look.
The shirts are not the problem.
The shirts are perfect.
It's optics.
How are we gonna beat
an old lady in a wheelchair?
(GRIM MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Thank you, Terrence.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey.
Do...
Oh.
Ugh.
(HORNS HONKING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
I told you it'd make you feel
better to feed the street.
Oh, it does.
Is that right?
(LAUGHS)
Canadians say "eh."
You know what?
I make a mean waffle.
Oh.
Oh, hey, um...
Uh, Mr. Durbin, we're not
gonna need you this morning.
Oh, no, go check
your clipboard, babe.
Uh, Mark asked for me himself.
We have a hot news story
that's breaking.
(LAUGHTER)
All right, speaking of food...
Mm-hmm.
I just wanna introduce you
to a very special guest,
Dale the janitor.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, just Dale is fine.
Janitor Dale.
Mm-hmm.
We got a tip that you're the
center of a Toledo sensation
the Street Mouth.
That's right.
Mm.
"Street Gotta Eat."
Dale, what caused you,
a lowly janitor,
to take on world hunger?
When I was driving into work,
I noticed that the street
was smiling and happy.
Oh.
But on my way home,
I realized it was sad.
Aw.
That's why I fed it those peas.
There's some great sweets
in there.
Yum.
Muffins, doughnuts, cookies.
He's not there.
Maybe he we're on
for Spaghetti Warehouse.
I'm just double-checking.
Do you want Spaghetti Warehouse?
'Cause you're dressed
like Bob's Big Boy.
But uh, mainly
it's just cans of peas.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course, cans.
Peas?
Classic.
Who needs peas
when you've got carrots?
Oh, it's a carrot storm!
♪ Bobby Bunny,
dancing to-and-fro ♪
♪ Bobby Bunny,
good morning, Toledo ♪
Security.
Ooh, here comes
Mr. Policeman.
Oh, but Bobby Bunny's too quick.
He's too quick!
Ow!
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
Taser!
Ow!
(BLEEP)!
Okay.
(BLEEP)!
Well, you got what you wanted.
Ow!
Shit!
Looks like this is the end
of Bobby the Bunny.
Shit!
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
It's just Bobby Bunny.
That's what happens
on a live show, folks.
(LAUGHS)
(REWINDING)
What makes the nachos
breakfast nachos?
Those would be eggs.
Oh ho ho ho!
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
That's egg-cellent.
Where did you go wrong?
There from Tijuana's Egg Farm.
Ooh.
Oh, she had a job.
Thank you so much.
Yes, absolutely.
You got cheese here which is...
(SIGHS)
I was blazing, Jack.
I was...
Just yesterday, and now I'm...
colder than one of
those fancy cold soups.
Full disclosure,
I'm the one who told
Mark and Molly
about Dale's Street Mouth.
They would've found it
one way or the other.
That... that pothole
looks just like a mouth.
Yeah, it does,
but it's a pothole.
Ralph, I mean,
you're better than a pothole.
Thanks.
(LAUGHS)
You know, uh,
it seems like Bobby Bunny
was pretty happy
working at the carrot factory.
Whitlock High
is my carrot factory.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Jack, I...
My chest hair isn't black.
I...
I dyed it.
Yeah.
Everyone knows.
It's okay.
Yeah, but Jack,
I didn't stop with the drapes.
I, uh...
I did the carpet too.
I... my carpet is all messed up,
just wall to wall.
(SIGHS) Yeah, that's, uh...
That's, you know,
certainly something
to get figured out.
Yeah.
(AWKWARD MUSIC)
It's tough
to, uh...
Tough stuff, bud.
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
Ralph Durbin, if you are
not here to take this poor boy
directly to Spaghetti Warehouse,
you better turn
your sweet patoot around.
We got a 2:30 rez,
rude boy.
Hell yes!
(LAUGHS)
I'm so hungry.
Okay.
Oh.
So The Skankee Doodles
were about to open
for The Toasters,
but our trumpets
had been stolen...
Yeah.
Ladies, you have been served.
Yuyao's grandmother
is now exclusively
with the Young Entrepreneurs.
Uh, we won.
(LAUGHS)
Except that our goal
was to help Yuyao's grandmother
all along.
Right, so we all won.
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay, I get to keep making
my dope-ass shirts,
and y'all get to stop pretending
that you don't want one.
I love the shirts.
I just want one so bad!
I love 'em.
I love 'em so much.
I like the part
about "Poo-thirty."
(LAUGHS)
Flatulence.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SIGHS)
Uh, sorry to... interrupt?
I just wanted to bring back
the last remaining copy
of your book.
Destroy as you see fitted.
Ah, well, that's sweet.
You know, why don't you keep
this one, Ralph?
I, uh, I think I'm gonna
keep one for myself.
I was doing the word search,
and it was a lot of fun.
Oh.
It was a bit of a doozy though.
Lot of Spanish profanities
in there.
Uh, well,
Eduardo helped me out
with that one and...
did not know that.
Now I'm the one
who is a very bad boy.
Well, look, I...
I wanna to apologize
for saying I never needed you.
I always have,
and I always will.
Well, you know,
we just met in September, so...
Yeah, okay.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, what'd you end up doing
with your chest hair?
The che... oh, well, I was able
to bleach the drapes...
Mmm.
But had to take the carpeting
down to the hardwood floor.
Oh.
(WHISTLES)
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean
when I say that?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Yes, Ralph,
I know what you mean.
Thank God.
Yeah.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
(HORNS HONKING)
Peas on Earth.
ALL: Peas on Earth.
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
Ah, the old street mouth
pea can scam.
(LAUGHS)