A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Gary Meets Dave - full transcript

Previously, on "A.P. Bio..."

(dramatic music)

Little tweetie bastard.
He got me again.

Yeah, he was just... just
perched up there, you know,

waiting for me
to get out of my car.

So I'm gonna go
kill it right now.

You guys should
cut class today too.

But I have perfect attendance.

Hey, loosen up.
Loosen up.

In fact, you know what?

If you don't walk out
of this class right now,



I will mark you absent.

All right, now does anyone
know where I can buy a gun?

Probably everywhere, right?
Yeah?

Raw horse meat.

It's a delicacy in Japan.

I'll try it.

My pallet is sophisticated.

Arigato.

Marissa, give me your jacket.

(whispering)
Give me your jacket.

Gimme your jacket.

You just crapped your capris,
didn't you?

(dramatic sting)

Also previously
on "A.P. Bio..."



The donor insemination worked.

It's positive!

They've all been positive.

It's weird that
you keep checking.

Ooh, girl.
You know I'm thorough.

And you can never be too sure.

Ooh.
Ow.

(chuckles)
The legs are growing.

Oh, no.
No, no, wait.

I'm... I'm still here.

No... yeah, I understand.

Bad news.

(dramatic sting)

The mall's shut down.

Well, fundraiser
raised enough cash

for Pam's veterinary bills,
but time is running out!

She's one of the most
important rams in my life.

(dramatic music)

Jack, are you leaving?
Uh, yes.

I'm going to do some,
uh, bird watching.

For Biology.

I got a real ram-ergency
on my hands.

Would you deposit this in
Pam's account at First Federal?

No, I...

I gotta go give her
a sponge bath.

Stat!

(dramatic music builds)

(dramatic sting)

Also previously
on "A.P. Bio..."

(school bell ringing)

Now that's the kind
of guy who skips class.

Travis.

He's the baddest boy in school.

I heard he's a drug dealer.

Out of my way, nerds.

Oh!

Sir, you dropped your...

drug money.

(dramatic sting)

God, I hope Pam pulls through.

No principal should
outlive their mascot.

Hey, do we really need
all the trees

outside around the school?

Did you make the deposit?

The... the... the deposit?

Wh... oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's gone.
But you know what?

I'm more than happy
to help cover the...

Pam's $10,000 is gone?

She's gonna die without it.

Uh, yeah... no.
Like you said, um,

you know, I'm more than happy
to help find the thief

who stole it off my desk!

(dramatic sting)

Well, where are we gonna
do our mall walks?

Do we break into the school
at night and do them here?

Oh, you know what?
I like that idea.

Let's keep it just between us.

You guys, I am so sorry.

I just texted
our whole mall walking group.

Oh, tell me you didn't
include Mr. "On your Left!"

I'm bad at secrets!

(dramatic sting)

We should invest it.
I'm telling you.

(overlapping chatter)
In mutual bonds.

We can't spend this!
It's too hot.

And until we know what to do,

Victor holds the money.

(suspenseful music)

(chime)

I'm holding the money now.

(chime)

These thirsty boys
can't be trusted.

(dramatic sting)

Also previously
on "A.P. Bio..."

(suspenseful music)

Oh.
Oh!

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah, no.
My bad.

I don't think
we've officially met.

Gary, geometry.

I'm Dave, geology.

Such a pleasure.
Here we are.

Yeah.
Do you want some coffee?

Yeah.

(laughs)
That's exactly

what I was gonna drink.

(dramatic music builds)

Hm.

(dramatic sting)

Why would anyone dance
like no one's watching?

That doesn't make any sense.
(gasps)

Who would do this?

Well, I know a few women
who are none too pleased

with my behaviors.

And you wanna know
the worst part?

Stuff like this tends
to get me more followers

on my Whitlock live stream.

(dramatic sting)

Coach, can I tell you something?

My wife is coming to visit me
at work tomorrow.

Okay.
Why is your nose sweatin'?

'Cause I might have told her
that... I'm a teacher.

Oh, man.

(laughing)
You're in trouble.

(dramatic sting)

(dramatic music)

(sighs)

Have you seen an envelope
with 10 grand?

I'm the one who found the money.

I am the money finder!

Keep it up, you're gonna
find my foot in your ass.

Are you wearing a wire?
Hey...

It's my puka shell necklace.

I... I was trying something new.

Grandma told me I should've
gone to parochial school.

But no, I needed
to have a drama program.

Well, here's your drama,
Anthony!

Why did I try horse again?

All right, y'all.
Stop, stop.

STOP!

The money is tearing us apart.
Don't y'all see that?

We're gonna return
everything that we bought,

and then we're gonna give
the money back to Travis.

That's the only way
we're gonna be free, y'all.

I've always had this coat.

(dramatic sting)

Also previously
on "A.P. Bio..."

I've been vandalized.

And do you wanna know
who the real homewrecker is?

It's the guy reno-ing
my bathroom.

He came in with a sledgehammer...

Joyce.
You did it.

I'm sick.
I'm sick.

I'm sick.
I'm sick.

Please don't hate me.

Of course not.
You're my friend.

I would do anything for you.

Anything?

(dramatic sting)

Dale!
There you are.

I just went
into the ladies room,

and one of the toilets
is clogged up again,

so could you take
a look at that?

Maybe hit it
with the fecal snake.

Thanks.
Hi.

What a weird thing
to say to a teacher.

(giggles)

Normally, people just ask me
about outer space

or bibliographies.
Mm-hmm.

Good morning.

I'm Dick.
I'm the principal.

Of the school.

(suspenseful music)

That was Pam's veterinarian.
Oh.

Pam's taken a turn
for the worse.

If she doesn't
get surgery soon...

It's bad news.

(dramatic sting)

Hey, Winston.
Hey.

It's Ralph!
I was thinking.

What if we got
the ska band back together?

Huh? Yeah, do a couple
of benefit shows.

Make some, uh...
Oh, you never broke up?

Oh.
You...

Oh, you just kicked me out.

Hey, Mom!
Hey!

Listen.
Um, how much money do you have?

Okay, and that's supposed
to last you...

through the rest of the time?

'Cause you know...

It's just like oatmeal
and Mr. Pibb with you.

I don't... what else are you
spending the money on?

How much for a mint condition
Sensation Comics ♪1,

the first-ever cover appearance
of Wonder Woman.

Really?
Oh, okay.

How would I get one of those?

(dramatic sting)

I thought it was at least
something more like surprising.

No way.
(laughs)

On your left!

Oh, hell no!

(dramatic sting)

Thank you.
I appreciate your cough drop.

That was very nice.

Hmph.

Oh.
Hey, Gary.

(dramatic music builds)

All: Also previously
on "A.P. Bio..."

(suspenseful music)

I know what kind
of person you are,

and I know what you can do.

So, your money is in my locker.

(dramatic sting)

(breathing heavily)

Oh, quit faking, you old baby.

(crashing)

Oh, no.
That's not good.

Oh.

I'm calling 911.

Oh, God.
Are we gonna get in trouble?

Um, a medical emergency
on school grounds?

Yeah.

All right, if we all
just keep our mouths shut,

we'll all be okay.

(dramatic music)

So, uh, we cut class
like you told us to.

And we ended up with this.

Uh...

It seems that
the drug dealer and I

have had
a deep misunderstanding.

Yeah?

(suspenseful music)

Somebody at this school knows
where that stolen money is!

I'm declaring martial law.

Attention, Whitlock.

The school is officially
on lockdown.

Lock it up!

Our community has experienced

a serious violation of trust.

Not funny!

No one is leaving

until we get
to the bottom of it.

Don't even try it.

Helen and I are coming
to every classroom.

And may God have mercy
on your souls.

(dramatic music)

Was that about us?

We... are... hosed.

(dramatic string music)

That was definitely about us.

Mm-hmm.

We are deeply, deeply hosed.

(Ramones' "Listen to My Heart")

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

.

And now, "A.P. Bio."

(school bell rings)

Why did we let in

that old dude with a weak heart?

I mean, it felt so good
smoking his old ass,

but at what cost?

I mean, now he's sitting
pretty in the hospital

and we're probably
gonna lose our damn jobs.

I can't lose my job!

Keith just subscribed
to one of those

expensive meal delivery
services.

We're gonna get out of this.

We just have to get
our story straight

before Durbin
starts sniffing around.

Yeah.

Yeah, like weren't sneaking in.
Mm-mm!

Okay, we were staying late.

Grading papers.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And the old dude was...

an Uber driver,
uh, and we had to call him

because I was having
car trouble.

Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he begged, okay,
to come into the school, okay?

Because he...

He always had a weird thing
about peeing

in the smaller toilets
you find in school bathrooms.

Or we just say he had to pee.

Okay, it's simple.

Grading, Uber, pee.
Right, okay.

Grading, Uber, pee.

You got it, Michelle?
You can do this.

That's the same thing
you said when I caught you

eating Steph's last fudge pop,

and I just told her now,

and I'm still telling her!

Somebody stop me.
Help!

Just stick to the script.

Okay, Michelle?
Yeah.

Mary,

you owe my baby some fudge.

(dramatic music)

Hey, hey.
Calm down.

Hey, hey!
Chill out.

Principal Durbin
and Ms. Demarcus

are going to be here soon.

What do we do?
We're dead.

You can all go down for this,
but not me.

I'm clean.

Your pants might disagree.

(clears throat)
(chuckles)

Private joke.
Just ignore it.

You got diarrhea
from eating horse meat.

They filled me in.

Look, it might be embarrassing,

but at least it's not illegal.

You know, she's right.
Okay?

Your petty little squabbles
are nothing compared

to Possession with
Intent to Distribute.

We need a plan here.

We could flush it,
get the little fishies

in the Maumee River
all hopped up good.

(clears throat)

Speaking hypothetically,

I don't think the
school's plumbing can handle

even a simple pair
of cotton underwear,

let alone... all of that.

We're not flushing anything,
okay?

We're gonna hide the drugs
until we can sell them

and get the money back.

I hate to be that guy, but...

you're all drug dealers now.

(suspenseful music)

And that's basically
the Vietnam War.

Definitely no picnic.

Okay?

Helen, Principal Durbin.

Welcome.

I think you know why we're here.

If anyone has anything

they would like
to own up to first...

Yeah.
Right.

Um, okay, so see,
what had happened was,

um, if y'all were curious,

is that we were here last night.

Grading papers.

Um, and we called an Uber
because Mary had car trouble.

What?
Yeah.

Corollas are
usually so reliable!

Yeah.
You know, of course they are.

Uh, but her tires were slashed.

What is happening
at this school?

Now we gotta go check out
the parking lot, I guess.

Oh, you checking out
the parking lot...

You know, you guys know
an amusing thing

about pregnant women is how
frequently they urinate.

So, excuse me.

Have you guys
texted your friends

about buying some cocaine?

I mean, I feel like
you're not helping here. Wh...

You made us skip.
You lost the money.

It's kind of all your fault.

Well, let's...

Let's set that aside
for the moment, Sarika, okay?

Let's... let's fish that out
of a clogged toilet,

ball it up, and throw it deep

into the bathroom garbage,
okay, for the moment.

For the moment, maybe toss a
few paper towels on top, okay?

'Cause I'm not
going down for this!

If they come for you, boss,
I'll take the fall.

I thought I'd be
the first in my family

to go to college,

but instead,
I'll be the 19th in my family

to go to jail.

Okay, no.
Heather, you can't do that.

Look, I'll confess to it all.

I'll take the fall for you.

All: Aww.

Dan, no.

You're a good friend.

I can't let you
go down for this.

I'll take the fall.

S-somebody gonna...

That daisy-chain
lost momentum quickly.

No, no one person
is taking the fall for this.

We'll find a place
to hide it, okay?

I mean, obviously we can't
keister it, you know?

If you change your mind,
I do have 16 condoms.

Well, th... uh...

Good.

I support that.

But what's something else?

Eyes on your own paper, Marie.

Oh.

So real quick.

Mary's tires
got slashed last night

when we were
here together working.

Grading, Uber, pee.
Right.

Plus, when Durbin
came to my classroom,

I told him that
we stayed extra late

because we're all writing a play

called "The Princess
and the Snow Cone."

A play?
No, no, no.

Don't even worry about it.
It's super simple.

Okay, the king
of an ancient tropical land

tells the princess
that she can have anything

that her heart desires
for her birthday.

But he never counted on her
asking for a snow cone,

an impossible wish due
to the lack of refrigeration

and aforementioned tropicality.

Also there's a bear?

I think I got this, okay?
I can do it.

Good morning, Ralph.

Mm... that was too forced, right?

Good morning, Ralph.
No, that's the same.

Welcome to the classroom, Ralph.

Ralph, hello.

Everybody gets
into accidents walking.

Some people
have to practice walking.

Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
It's okay.

It's okay.
Everybody take a breath.

You all take a breath too.
Tale a breath in and out.

In and out!
But keep your eyes down.

You keep your eyes up!

Ralph, get out of my classroom!

Nobody can come in here!

This is my room!

Oh, God.
They're closing in.

Okay, Jack.
Um, think.

We've gotta hide it.
Um...

What do we do, what do we do,
what do we do?

Um...

(dramatic music)

And this guy starts like,
"Oh!"

I can't believe she caved.

Like, really, really.

And we didn't know
what to do with him!

Yes.
We did it.

It was us.

We are the ones
that brought the ice down

from the misty mountains.

Take this back to the princess,

and she can have her snow cone!

Curtain.
Intermission.

Wow, that... that all happens
in act 1?

That's amazing!
I have a few notes.

I feel like it owes a big debt
to "Emperor's New Groove."

Well, yeah, that's... oh!
Oh.

Michelle was telling us about
the new play you guys wrote.

Oh, my God, Ralph, we have
to go find the missing money.

We... oh, my God.

Did she say "missing money"?

I can't wait to see
the rest of this.

I can't believe
you open in a week!

(chuckles)

(sighs)

(laughs nervously)

(dramatic music)

Little bit more...

Little bit more... oh!

Just about...
(grunts)

Hi.
Hey.

Durbin, Helen.
Yeah, come on in.

So yeah, as you guys can see,
standing up on something

flexes the tibialis
interior muscle

which stabilizes
the leg and the foot.

All: Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, we'll just
make this quick.

We are looking for a...

(thud)

Any update on Pam?

.

(bell rings)
On the next "A.P. Bio..."

(dramatic music)

I know exactly what that is.

We snorted a lot
of it in the '80s.

It's pure baking flour.

It's called a bread bump.

Yeah, so I found the guy who
sold Victor that fake cocaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I tackled him,

and he whipped around
and grabbed my throat.

Gouge his eyes!

Yeah, uh,
well, this already happened.

Oh, right.
Yeah.

So, anyway, um, I broke free.

And I had an opening
for a death blow,

but I didn't wanna kill him
'cause he's a student.

I wish more of our teachers
had your restraint.

So, long story short...

I got the money back.

So who is it?

I can never tell.

(whispering)
He's an undercover cop.

Both: What?

Yeah, so we better just,
you know,

look the other way on this one.

And that's coming down
from the brass.

(gasps)
Oh!

Pam!

We gotta get our sweet princess
to the veterinarian.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Thank you.

Also on the
next "A.P. Bio..."

You're the principal, yes?

You're richer than teacher?

Powerful?

Uh, yes, I'm the top dog.

I'm the
♪ 1 guy.

(moaning)

(dramatic sting)

Oh, my sweet princess,

how I failed thee.

What need I hands
if not to deliver to you

thy cone of snow?

Ow!

(grunts)
Shit. Sorry.

(dramatic sting)

Also on
the next "A.P. Bio..."

So yours truly snuck out
his back window, right,

when his lady got home.

There you are,
you man-stealing bitch!

You slept with my boyfriend,

biology teacher Jack Griffin!

So what if I did?

And by the way, he was terrible.

(gasps)

Gotta go.
Back soon.

Okay, I love the part
about Jack being bad in bed.

Oh, thank you.

Did we get a good
cliffhanger for you?

Oh, yeah.

The pigs are definitely
sniffing around

for a mushroom.

(both laughing)

Hey, it's Dave, right?

(Bleep) off, Gary.

(dramatic music builds)

(dramatic sting)

Thanks, King Dad.

And I never could have done it

without the indigenous peoples
of this place.

(cheers and applause)

(triumphant music)

(louder cheers and applause)

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Also on
the next "A.P. Bio..."

Pam the Ram made it
through surgery, Ralph!

Yeah!

(both laughing)
Ow, oh.

Helen...

did you give her
one of your kidneys?

(gong rings)

Life is crazy.

It's crazy that Pam the Ram
survived this whole transplant,

only to be hit by a bus.

And it's even crazier
that she survived

being hit by a bus

and that this

is the bus driver's funeral.

You know, Neil Young said,

"It's better to burn out
than fade away."

And Def Leppard quoted him

in their song, "Rock of Ages,"

which Deborah's niece
will now play

on the trombone.

Ophelia?

(trombone blaring badly)

(sighs)

(dramatic music)