A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

Hello, Whitlock students.
I'm Mr. Pugh.

And I'm very excited
to invite you

to join the Toledo chapter

of Ohio Naturalists.

The program offers
hands-on learning

and a chance to become
a citizen scientist.

(BEE BUZZING)
Oh, hello, Mr. Bee.

Oh.

Looks like somebody
wants to get on camera.

Uh, this year, we're going
on an overnight field trip

to Swan Creek
Preserve Metropark...



The bees are back.
Ah.

Brought a friend.
Or two.

Uh, you know,
bees are actually...

They're very friendly.

They... they know not to attack

unless they're feeling
threatened or...

(YELPS)
Bananas!

Got me.

Sometimes they get confused,
but...

Owee.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Oh, well, uh...

We will, uh, embark
on a variety of activities.

Uh, from bird counts
to stream sampling.



Plant identi...
Please go away from...

(CRUNCHES)

Oh, no.

I stepped on a goose nest.

Oh.
Its babies.

I squished them.
Oh, no.

Go away!

♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

Aw, God.
Would you please stop?

I'm nice.

Mr. Pugh asked me
to edit that out,

but I do not know
how to do that.

(BELL RINGING)
Okay, Rams.

Get ready to grab the day by...

When you're in the wild,

if you need to heighten
your sense of smell,

you lick your fingers
and wet your nostrils.

Like so.

Like, if I'm a wolf?

And I wanna sniff out
a fat bunny?

Hm.

All right.

Begin shutting your mouths up.

I cannot believe
I'm saying this,

but Sarika is now my favorite.

Yeah... her aunt wants
to publish my book,

"The Pursuit of Happiness
Through Societal Regression."

We're meeting for dinner
tonight at Mansy's.

Mansy's is very romantic.

I took Sarah,
my college girlfriend, there.

Oh!
You gave her a name!

Nice!
But this is not a date.

Besides, my aunt only goes
for guys who drive BMWs.

Not driver's ed cars.

And Heather's back
to being my favorite.

Don't call it a comeback.

Okay.
Yeah.

So I guess the only question
that remains is

how should I pose for the photo

on the back cover
of my book, you know?

Oh.
Maybe I'll hold this skull.

Like Hamlet.
You know?

But it'd be like
this child's skill,

so my hands look bigger.

You know,
so my hands look bigger.

Right.
Let's hold off on that.

Oh, okay.

I read the first chapter
of your book.

You're clearly a good writer.

Oh.
Thanks.

Yeah, I write
to discover what I know.

That's Flannery O'Connor.

Cool.

Now, perhaps you've heard
of my client,

best-selling author,
Robin Schwonk.

The final book in his
"Rock Bottom" trilogy,

"Disgraced," is set to be
released in three weeks.

But he's having
a personal trauma,

and hasn't written it.

His beloved Pekingese
has Psoriasis.

(SNORTS)

Sorry, the elbow rash stuff?

On a dog?
(LAUGHS)

We need "Disgraced" ASAP.

We have 50,000 pre-sales,
and I have spent the money.

I finally had my shoulders done.

Oh, good... good.
Yeah, no... sorry.

What does this have to do
with my book?

This is your book.

I want you
to write "Disgraced."

Uh...
(SCOFFS)

"A brilliant but emotionally
stunted psychopath

"is disgraced and moves home
to the Midwest.

His intense shame
drives him to murder."

I mean, the main character
is basically you.

No, I... I don't relate
to that character at all.

Excuse me, sir.
Is this your child's skull?

It is.

I just got chills.

You're perfect.

Sarika told me you were
fired from Harvard,

and live in your
dead mother's apartment.

Townhome.
You are "Disgraced."

Sorry, I live in
my dead mother's townhome.

You'll be paid, of course.

And if you nail this,
I will do everything I can

to get your book published.

Okay.

I'm in.

(CHUCKLING)
Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, oh.
Shoulders.

Right.
(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

Oh.
Good morning, ladies.

(LAUGHS)
While you were out buying

paintings of wine bottles
at TJ Maxx,

I pulled one over on the rubes
who buy books at airports.

I wrote a Schwonk.
Whoa.

You wrote a book
for Robin Schwonk?

Mm-hmm.
Dang.

I still remember reading
"Bone Freaks" when I was 13.

That's where I learned
the word "areola."

Oh.

Anyway, I think you guys
are gonna be

the perfect audience
for this, I do.

Check... check this out.

"I woke up in a seedy motel."

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

"What was left of the desk
clerk stared back to me.

"Eyes vacant..." Oh, God, stop!

That's giving me
the creep sweats.

Hey, creep sweats are the
panties thrown on stage

of horror writing, so.

(LAUGHS)
Jesus, Jack.

It's 8:00 in the morning.

Yeah, oh, sorry.
I haven't slept.

Uh-uh.
You know what you see.

That is exactly why he's listed
in my "If I Go Missing" kit.

What's an "If I Go Missing" kit?

So it is a kit that
you make for the police

in case you go missing.

And inside it has
all your passwords,

your DNA, a recent photo
of you for the news,

and a list of men you think
might wanna kill or kidnap you.

Every lady needs one.

Except me
because I'm microchipped.

However, I did make
a "If Durbin Goes Missing" kit.

And just for your information,
it is in this drawer here.

And it is always locked.

Nope.
Not locked.

All right.
Let me show you.

ALL: Ooh.

Very top secret.

I've got a blood sample.

I won't tell you what hole
that came out of.

Michelle, the point is

you needed a kit
like yesterday, okay?

Like, watch a "Dateline."

Well.
Kiddos.

This weekend, I crapped out
a Robin Schwonk novel.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, all due respect, boss.

Robin Schwonk doesn't
use ghost writers.

Well, this is
a one-time thing, Heather.

He's in a dark place right now.

Apparently his dog.
Has Psoriasis

Millie?
Oh, no.

Mm-hmm.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
Jack Griffin.

Hey.
Robin Schwonk.

I just finished reading
your draft of "Disgraced."

You did?
Great.

(MOUTHING WORDS)

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

No let me ask you something.

Do you like messing with me?

'Cause I just finished wiping
my ass with that pile of shit.

Have you even read
any of my trilogies?

'Cause this is nothing
like my work.

I'm not gonna put my name
on this, you little piggie!

Next.
Hold on.

Hello, sweetie.

I'm here to pick up
Psoriasis cream

for Millie Schwonk.

Say, where's Margaret anyway?

Oh!
There she is.

I didn't see you
back there, doll.

How are you?

Well, sweetie,
you look great with a tan.

Hawaii?
Oh, well.

I gotta change my line of work.

Hello?
Wh...

Yeah, Jackie.

Let's fix this.
Okay, bud?

Let's get it done.

Okay.
Bye-bye now.

Oh... (CALL DISCONNECTS)

Well.

There's eight hours of work
down the drain.

So he hated it, huh?

Well you did say you
crapped it out, so,

you know, that had me worried
since Jump Street.

Marcus, go stick your hand
in the window sill.

Dan, slam the window down on it
as hard as you can.

Okay, you know
I can't do that, Mr. G.

Come on, boss.

You gotta have thick skin
in the writing biz.

I have had ten stories rejected
by the "Whitlock Gazette,".

And I'm
"friends with the editor."

I told you.

We don't publish mature content.

(SIGHS)
Fact.

Two of the greatest minds
on the planet,

Schwonk and Griffin,
are teaming up.

And I, Heather Marie Willmore,

will be able to help them both.

We can fix this, comrade.

Let's do it for Millie.

Who's Mille again?

That's Schwonk's Psoriasis dog.

I think the millionaire's
ashy bitch is gonna be okay.

I have Psoriasis,
but no one's worried about me.

You all won't even look at me!

Look at me!

I did a lot of photos

for my "If I Go Missing" kit,

because let's be honest.

You don't know what state
you're gonna be in

if and when the police find you.

So, this is if I've been
missing in the woods

for a couple weeks.
Mm!

Here's if I've disappeared
from a cruise ship.

Oh.
Oh!

And this is if I get taken

from an award ceremony.

And if I'm found dead
at the ceremony.

Oh.
Oh, cute, right?

Now, I went ahead and left
instructions for my funeral.

Oh.
Yes.

"First, my silky-voiced cousin
Reggie will read my eulogy.

"But if he's no longer with us,

"I guess my sister,
Angela, can do it.

"But please tell her to focus.

Because her S's
can be too lazy."

Mm-hmm.
Wow.

I can't even think of anyone

for my list of men who are
likely to kidnap or kill me.

I'm...
BOTH: Keith.

Like, 100% Keith.
Your husband, Keith.

Like, Keith would
absolutely kill you.

Keith will be the one
to murder you.

(BOTH LAUGH)
It'll be Keith.

In the dead of the night.

It's always the husband,
Michelle.

Um, just curious.

Uh, did one of you happen
to sneak into my email,

and send a funny
but hurtful message

to the whole school
from my account?

Oh.
You mean this email that says,

"I HAVE A DIRTY BUTT"
in call caps?

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's funny.

For the record,
my butt is very clean.

Okay?
Oh.

You know... you know
the commercial where...

Where the dirty dish gets dunked

into the warm, soapy water,

and when it comes out,
all the food comes off?

Well, same situation back there.

It's spotless.

I... I'm a little cocky about it.

Durbs, you got hacked, okay?

You need to change
all of your passwords.

I'm locked out, okay?
Look.

If one of you is pranking me,
I'm totally cool with it.

I can take a dirty butt joke
as well as the next guy.

Maybe even better
because mine is so clean.

(ALL CHANTING)
Show us, show us,

show us, show us!

(LAUGHING)

I don't know.

I... I still feel like
he can kill the janitor

just for the hell of it.

No, if this is gonna be
a bona fide Schwonk,

the murder can't just be
a bad guy, boss.

He has to be possessed
by something.

Maybe he's possessed
by a dead altar boy.

I was for a while.
That's how I know Latin.

Spiritus cadem m...

Don't let her finish!

Okay, guys,

Robin Schwonk never vilifies
animals or children, okay?

He's not just a genius.
He is a good man.

Now think.

What is the killer possessed by?

It should be something
in nature.

Pinecone.

What's that, Yuyao?
Pinecone?

Did you just say pinecone,
Yuyao?

Acorn.

Yuyao.
Oh, my God.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

That's terrible.
Aww, Yuyao.

Still better than
what Marcus said though.

I didn't say anything yet.
I got it, okay.

What if the disgraced teacher

is swimming during a full moon,

and gets possessed
by a demon lake?

And then he gives the corpses
of his murder victims

to the lake as a gift.

Oh.
That's good.

Y'all are creepy as hell.

This is why I don't join
your Naturalists camping club.

I'd be getting a nice char
on my s'more.

And bam!

I get a hatchet to the neck.

(COUGHS)

That's good.
Write that down.

Yeah.

Can we please stop
summoning evil toward us?

That's it.
An evil tortoise.

He's possessed
by an evil tortoise.

(BELL RINGING)
Okay, this is good.

This is good stuff.
Yeah.

I mean, not the tortoise thing,

or anything Marcus
has been saying,

but, you know,
the Heather stuff.

Yeah.
Nice.

(KEYBOARD PLAYING
THROUGH HEADPHONES)

♪ And please water my ferns

♪ When I go to Cabo

Hey.
Hey.

Sorry, uh, I've been sent
by the hacker.

(KEYBOARD PLAYS NOTE)

They get your passwords too?

He or she got into my Minecraft,

and broke my smoke cabin.

Did your wolves get out?

They said that the only way
for me to get my life back

is if I read you this note.

"Principal Durbin,

"If you want access
to your email,

"you have to let

"everyone in Ohio Naturalists

"go on the overnight field trip,

whether or not they have
a permission slip."

Damn it!

This psycho is asking
for my integrity.

Yeah, it's such a...
Such a bummer, huh?

You don't know what
they took from me, Vic.

20 years of precious emails
from my ex-wife, Brenda.

Including the one where she
accepted my marriage proposal.

There's gotta be
something I can do.

There's only one other option,

but it... it's too horrible
to even say.

(TENSE MUSIC)

During the announcements
tomorrow,

"You have to wash
your dirty butt

with the chemistry class's
eye-washing station."

The whole field trip
permission slip thing

doesn't sound that bad.

Like, comparatively.

Go now.

Leave me.

(SIGHS)
Morning, Heather.

I was up all night,

but I sent your changes
in at 6 a.m. and it's good.

It's really good.

I think Schwonk
is gonna love it.

And then it's on to my book, so.

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh.

All right.
It's your boy.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Here we go.

Mr. Schwonk, what'd you think?

Hey, Jack!
I gotta tell you.

I am very impressed.

Very impressed.

In fact, I think you've invented

a whole new genre of literature.

And I would call it "shit lit!"

He gets possessed
by a demon lake?

What the hell is a demon lake?

Did an ignorant child
write this?

A lake isn't scary, 'cause
you can just get away from it.

A river.
Now, a river is scary.

Because it moves.
It follows you.

Oh!

And then the murderer
gets possessed

while he's swimming?

I already wrote that in my
"Underwater Demon" trilogy.

Why would I plagiarize myself,
you ass?

I'd be ruined!
This is donkey crap!

Okay.
Bye-bye now.

I forgot about the
"Underwater Demon" trilogy.

I don't know why I thought
my ideas were good enough.

No, your ideas are good.
Okay?

In fact,
they're too good for him.

So we're keeping the book,
all right?

Schwonk can't have it.

Excuse me, Jackie.
I'm still here.

Couldn't hang up 'cause
I'm eating a hard shell taco.

That's a two-handed operation.

(LAUGHS)
Jackie, baby.

Schwonk can't have it?

Schwonk gets
whatever Schwonk wants.

Nobody knows your name.

And they never will!

Oopsie.
Honey?

I'm gonna need a napkin.

No, Wendy, the meat's delicious.

It's just wet.

Jack, make it right,
and fix the bad parts!

Get this done or your little
book will never get published!

Oh, honey, I'm gonna
need another napkin.

All right.
Thanks, Jack.

Appreciate it.
Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, boss.

I let you down.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Make it right
and fix the bad parts!

(DISTORTED)
Jackie.

Okay, bye-bye now.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

Keith!

Your husband, Keith.
100% Keith.

It's always the husband,
Michelle.

(ALL CHANTING)
Show us, show us, show us!

I have a dirty butt!

(LAUGHING)

I'm here to pick up
Psoriasis cream

for Millie Schwonk.

Did an ignorant child
write this?

This is donkey crap!

Love you.
Love you too.

Why would I plagiarize
myself, you ass?

I'd be ruined!

And then it's on to my book.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(WHOOSH)

Is someone there?

(DRAMATIC STING)

Plagiarism, boss.

Jesus, Heather.

You need to use the doorbell.

He said no one
would ever know your name.

Let's prove him wrong.

Let's have Schwonk
plagiarize Griffin.

Yes.
That is brilliant.

It's a plagiarism time bomb.

When it explodes,
Schwonk will be ruined,

and the world
will know your name.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

(BELL RINGS)

Oh!

We out-Schwonk-ed
Schwonk last night.

We planted passages from
my book into his manuscript.

So as soon as he goes to print,
we'll expose him.

Mr. Griffin's name
will be everywhere.

His book will fly
off the shelves.

(CHUCKLES)

Well there's not really
a market for philosophy books.

If anything, Malcolm Gladwell's
sociology books

kind of scratch that itch,

but maybe I'm just

an outlier.

Anyone... can anyone please

slam Marcus's fingers
into the window sill?

Maybe I could.

Looks like you guys
have reached your

tipping point.

Oh.
(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.

Wait.

Ugh, it's Schwonk.

Um... Oh, put it on speaker.

Yeah Okay.

Ugh.
All right.

Hey, Jack.
Its Schwonk.

Great news.

You passed the test.
You won.

Won what?
Everything.

Well, that's why
I was so hard on you, son.

I had to make sure
you were up to the task.

Don't you get it?

You're Schwonk now.

Oh, uh...

Wow, this took a weird turn.
Um...

You're gonna write
a lot of novels,

and I can finally retire.

Sorry, hang on a second, Jack.

Excuse me, pal.

Get your hand out
of my freaking pocket.

Uh, Schwonk, you okay?

Hey, Jack, Christ, I think
I'm getting robbed here.

(STRUGGLING)

Don't fight it.
Just... just let them have...

All right, all right.
Take whatever you want.

That... no,
not the Psoriasis cream!

Jack, I gotta go.

Okay, buddy.
Remember... you're Schwonk now.

Okay, all right.
Talk soon, bye-bye.

No, no.
It's for my dog!

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

Of course.

He was pulling a Willy Wonka.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Huh.

Students and faculty.

You are about
to witness something

you will not be able to unsee.

Oh, no!

What I'm about to do,

I do to regain access
to the precious memories

in my hacked email account.

Memories which include,
but are not limited to,

a picture of me and my ex-wife

backstage with Adam Levine.

Adam was as gracious
as you would expect him to be.

Especially given
his legacy of musc...

Ralph.

The water is at temperature.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(EXHALES)

Wait, stop, stop!
It was me.

I'm the blackmailer.

I didn't think you would
actually go through with it.

Oh, thank God!

Show's over.
Grab the day by the horns!

Bye.

It was you?

But how did you do it?

Well, I asked Ms. Damarcus

for my homeroom
attendance folder,

and she gave me this.

It has, like,
all of your passwords in it.

(GASPS)
God.

It's all my fault.

I'm so sorry, it's just...

My mom won't let me go on the
Ohio Naturalists field trip.

And Mr. Pugh lets
boys and girls sleep together

in the same lodge.

And you can zip your
sleeping bag up with a girl.

And if I don't go,

Eduardo might zip his
sleeping bag up with Grace's!

Oh, my God.

I didn't know Mr. Pugh
allowed teenage co-bagging.

That trip is cancelled!

(LAUGHS)
What an elegant solution.

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, we cool?

No, we're not cool!

You have in-school suspension.
Two weeks.

(BELL RINGS)

Hello.
Hey, hey, hey.

Look at this, kiddos.

Look... look what
Robin Schwonk sent.

His... his book came out.

So, you know, he sent us
a gift package.

He also texted me a, uh,
picture of his boat.

It said, "Feel free to use
the yacht anytime, Jackie.

Okay, gotta go.
Bye!"

Maybe no one will notice
the plagiarism.

(EXHALES)

You don't think anyone will
notice how the murderer talks?

Hm?

I wrapped my hands
around his neck.

He pleaded, "Help me, God."

I sneered, "God is a construct"

"for those who must pretend

"that the minutia
of their daily patheticism

ends in a great
reward... Heaven."

Marcus's frail body went limp.

(PHONE RINGING)
Up, it's Schwonk.

Uh, okay.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hey.
So.

You tried to mount me.

But I caught ya.

Yeah.

I bought the rights
to your book.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, you can't fool me 'cause
I'm a god damn fox, Jackie.

What?
Oh.

Hi.
Table for two, please.

No, I didn't make a reservation.

What about that empty table
right there?

Okay, fine.

We'll sit at the bar.

Oh, the bar is booked.

Wendy, let's make
a little mess in this lobby.

Dump out all the dirt
from the plant.

Oh, it's bolted down.

Well just scoop it out
with your hands.

Oh, there is room at the bar?

Gee, how'd that happen?

Honey, just scoop the dirt
back in with your hands.

Yeah, yeah.
We're coming.

We're coming!
Oh, my God.

You know what, Jack?

You could've been Schwonk,
and you blew it!

Wait... Okay?

Talk soon.
Bye-bye.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

Well, so much for my book.
(SIGHS)

Or hanging out on a yacht.

You stood by me, Captain.

You said my ideas were good.

You're my number one hero.

I know that's not a yacht,

but I hope it counts
for something.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS)

(EXHALES)

See, Sarika?

This is why Heather's
my favorite.

Unless you have another aunt
in the publishing business?

No.
Just the one?

Yeah.