A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Previously, on "A.P. Bio..."
Ah, dang it.
Oberland rejected me.
ALL: Aww.
They said I don't have
a high school diploma.
Well, yeah, because I didn't
graduate from high school,
you dummies.
Well, it looks like
Helen Henry Demarcus
is going back
to high school!
Good luck.
And now, "A.P. Bio."
(RELAXED MUSIC)
Mom, what popcorn topping
do you want?
Nacho cheese or ranch?
Whatever you want, Jacky.
- Hm.
- I can't decide.
What's tonight's episode called?
"Poor Butterfly."
Read the blurb please.
"When a dangerous pimp assaults.
"Fatman's sole witness
against him,
"Jake talks a scared prostitute
into helping him
set the pimp up."
A pimp-catching episode.
Definitely nacho cheese.
(CHUCKLES)
(POPCORN MACHINE HUMMING,
ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
(SIGHS) What the heck?
Why aren't you spinning,
big guy?
We don't need popcorn
to watch an old
"Jake and the Fatman."
- No, no, no.
You're wrong, okay?
Because it's a tradition,
all right?
We need the popcorn
and the Butter-tastic Pop 2
or it just isn't Tuesday Night
Stay Up Late TV Night.
- It just isn't.
- Okay.
- I don't know what to do.
No, no, no.
Come on, man.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(EXHALES)
Ah.
What the hell?
(RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART")
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time
♪ I'll listen to my heart
♪ Next time
♪ Well, I'll be smart
- (BELL RINGS)
- When I kindly demanded
a refund, that hell pigeon
threw a tiny piano at me,
leaving this abrasion
on my forehead.
So I thought I bought a
full-size popcorn maker, not...
this.
ALL: Aww.
No, it's not cute, okay?
It's... it's small,
and it's stupid.
(ALL GASP) (MACHINE BOUNCES)
Hey.
(SCOFFS) Uh-uh.
Oh, you didn't check
the dimensions, did you?
Internet pro tip, man.
Always scroll down
and check the dims.
I'll take
the tiny popcorn maker.
I have a dollhouse, and drama's
really been building up
since Kelsey caught Stink
in the hot tub with Andre.
But that just what happens when.
(REALITY TV ANNOUNCER VOICE)
seven strangers are picked
from my toy box to share a home.
(CHUCKLES)
- (NORMAL VOICE) Did I do a fail?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, Target has popcorn poppers.
And if you come in
on a Tuesday or a Saturday,
you can buy a hot dog
from yours truly, Grace.
Grace, I've talked to you before
about plugging
Target hot dogs in here.
Plus, I don't want
just any popcorn maker.
Okay?
I want the Butter-tastic Pop 2.
If you're looking
for my analysis
- of this situation...
- Oh, I'm not.
It seems like you've confused...
- I am not.
- The magic of TV night
- with a specific brand...
- I never am.
Of popcorn maker, and buddy,
that's like scooping peanut
butter out of a jelly jar.
Anthony, what's going on
over here with all the glitter?
It's a multimedia thing
I'm working on
that combines history,
rap, and glitter bombs.
It's sort of the next
revolutionary step
after "Hamilton."
Lost me at "Hamilton," bud.
So I had you
for the full thing then.
Guys, this is the mission, okay?
We need to destroy
this little granny.
Now how are we gonna do it?
Porch turd?
Come again.
I'm good.
Why don't we just sell this lady
a bunch of doll-sized
furniture, right?
And then when she gets it,
it'll be full-sized furniture.
How are we gonna make
full-size furniture look tiny?
All you gotta do
is make a 6-foot soda can.
And then take a picture
of the regular-sized furniture
next to it.
I do it all the time.
Yeah, let's send
that bitch a sectional.
Mr. Griffin,
if you're still wondering
what Marissa said,
I believe it was,
"porch turd."
Yeah... okay. Thanks, Eduardo.
Guys, we gotta
think bigger, okay?
I wanna hurt this old lady
the way she hurt TV night.
All right? I wanna mess up
her little store.
Without killing anybody.
You know?
That should go without saying
with all these, okay?
I mean, you guys know
it's never that, right?
Has that been super clear?
That... that we don't
kill the person?
It's definitely good
to hear out loud.
Yeah, now, Anthony,
these glitter bombs,
when they explode,
they could destroy something,
right?
The point of a glitter bomb
is not destruction.
- It is wonderment.
- Right.
But if I were to jam one
into a tiny dollhouse,
it would wreck it?
I think it would be glamazing.
Yeah, but an old
dollhouse lady would hate it?
Only if she hates
beauty and refracted light.
Okay, I think
we're saying the same thing.
Thanks, Anthony. All right.
Well, a mission is born.
You okay
with covering for me now?
Absolutely.
I'm the principal of the school.
I can answer a couple of calls.
I'm probably gonna kick back
and finish my book,
"You're OK, Divorcée.
Adventures in Singlehood."
Good. You're doing the work.
Do you mind if I take
the keyboard cleaner?
I'm really sweating it up.
(CAN HISSES)
Helen, are you nervous?
(SIGHS) I am, Ralph.
You're gonna be fine.
Think of old Harold.
Sacramento, all right?
Wife left him when he was 97.
Said he was too old.
Now he's out there dating,
having the time of his life.
Or... or maybe not.
This was published in 2013.
He's probably dead.
Oh, now I'm half nervous
and half sad.
Congratulations, Ralph.
You made me into an actual teen.
Are you too angsty to do a
handshake with your principal?
Never. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
BOTH: Boom. Boom.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Oooh.
Uh-uh-uh.
We got this. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Thank you, Ralph.
Hey, get going, little missy.
The bell rang ten minutes ago.
Oh, my God.
Out of my way, boomer.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Morning, Ralph.
- Hey.
- My Sex Ed condoms came.
Oh.
And looks like I ordered enough
to get the free dildo!
- (GIGGLES)
- Oh, uh...
Oh. Don't worry.
I'm giving it to a friend.
I am totally asexual, Ralph.
- (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
- (MUTTERS)
Actually, no, Ralph.
I'm not totally asexual.
I'm... I am fully sexual,
and this dildo is for me
for sex purposes.
Have a nice day.
Stop having those
delivered to school!
(DRAMATIC DRUM MUSIC)
She has a little
White House replica
right inside of her door.
So Anthony and I can plant
the glitter bomb
and retreat very easily.
We just need...
We need somebody to distract
Granny Shitbird.
We need the ultimate distractor.
What about you, Sarika?
You seem like you go
into a lot of stores
and ask to speak to the manager.
Only if the customer service
is subpar.
You asked to speak
to my manager.
It's called a hairnet, Grace.
Okay, no, but we need
a true distraction here.
If it comes to it,
I'd be willing to show my, uh,
kazoo. (ALL MURMURING)
You... no. No, come on, no.
And please never tell us
what you're referring to.
- Hey, yo, Mr. G.
What if it was this?
Let's say it's raining.
I've got my shirt open,
of course.
I walk up and I'm like,
♪ Maybe I saw you
at the movies, girl ♪
♪ Maybe I saw you
at the car wash ♪
♪ I can't remember
where I saw you, girl ♪
♪ But I remember
that I liked it, girl ♪
Cancel the sectional.
That bitch
is gonna need a coffin.
Very smooth. Very smooth.
Hey, teach. Sorry I'm tardy.
Oh! Son of a!
My apologies, Mr. Bones.
(LAUGHS)
I mean, I'm not sure if it's
a mister, but I'm assuming.
It's hard to tell
with their groin
once the flesh is boiled off.
Historically,
most of those are made
from male hobo bodies.
And, you know, the lady hobos
don't donate
their bodies as much.
Isn't that a headscratcher?
Anyway, I don't mean
to distract from the learning.
So take it away, Mr. Griffins.
Yes.
Please continue the lesson,
Mr. Griffins.
As you can see,
I've drawn a popcorn maker,
which is the perfect thing
to picture
the orderly chaos
within each human cell.
And then we got talking
about a biological phenomenon
known as distractors.
(GROANS, CLEARS THROAT)
Seems to... I put my backpack...
I took it off
while I was sitting.
And it somehow hooked
to the top of my undergrunders.
It's just... (CLEARS THROAT)
I just gotta free myself
from this little trap here.
Yuyao, can you... (SIGHS)
Unzip that big zipper
back there?
But just do it real slow.
Otherwise, I think I'm gonna
launch into the blackboard.
I'm basically a bullfrog
in a slingshot right now.
Oh, God. That hurts.
That is bad. Yuyao, pull.
No! That's the wrong way.
(SIGHS) My pork tenderloin is...
I'm not gonna be able to sit
on a barstool for like a year.
Looks like we found
our distractor.
(GROANS) I'm just glued!
I'm glued and I'm flossed.
(DRUM MUSIC)
- (BELL RINGS)
- So, uh, Helen,
you're a little further behind
than I thought.
And in order to get you
fully caught up,
I'm gonna need you to do
your report
on DNA today, all right?
You are gonna be interviewing
a real life Toledoan
about her family tree.
I... I really should
get back to the office, Jack.
Oh, no, well,
look at Anthony's dedication
to biology.
I mean, he should
probably be getting to...
- Gym class.
- Yeah, gym class.
But he's skipping that
'cause he loves...
- Not running.
- No.
No. Because he loves biology.
All right? So grab your things.
Now, listen. Listen.
Durbin is gonna be fine.
- (PHONES RINGING)
- I'm s... I don't know
which button here is hold,
but I have some good news.
Your son is not sick.
I made an error.
It's Caleb Baker,
not Caleb Barker.
Uh, so...
and I'm sorry
that you used your...
one phone call to find that out.
Uh, Ms. Barker, can you
please hold for just a second?
Mm, yeah. (PHONE RINGING)
Congratulations,
you're caller 97
on the free money giveaway.
Just give us
the phrase that pays.
FM 97 plays all the songs
that are fit to hear.
(BUZZER BLARES)
(VOICE DISTORTS) Wipeout.
BOTH: FM 97 plays the tunes
that make you move.
I... that's the phrase?
So, Durbs, Helen promised me
a bushel of pinecones
for an art project.
We're making these cute
little pinecone creatures
for the children's hospital.
Okay, yeah,
I'll find the pinecones.
Can you guys get these?
(PHONES RINGING)
Oh.
Whitlock Rams,
home of the... the Rams.
What's up, caller number one?
- Hello, Whitlock residence.
Mary speaking.
Mr. Durbin,
did you get my mom yet?
- I think I might be sick soon.
- (STAMMERS)
- Where's your wife?
- Helen is not my wife.
- Then what's with the photo?
- It's fake!
We're not married,
and we're not mermaids.
I need 1,000 meatballs by 10:00.
It's spaghetti day.
I have carpal tunnel.
No, I don't know
the "school hours."
It's open, like,
most of the time.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
can you... Durbs.
We cannot do this.
Can we please get Helen back?
- No.
- Over my dead body.
She is following her dream.
When Anne, 58,
from Tulsa got divorced,
she followed her dream of
becoming an animal therapist.
She was kicked in the head
doing what she loves best...
Tickling horses' feet.
And she never thought
of her ex-husband again.
Or tied her shoes.
Now see, Durbs,
that started to help
and then did not.
Okay, fine,
I'll handle the call.
Can someone start
on the meatballs?
(CART CREAKING)
- (SIGHS)
- (GAGS)
(MEAT SQUELCHES)
Nothing like an early morning
raw beef bath.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
I love even in the little
gas station over there
the bathroom is clean.
It's just...
I love everything,
and I especially love
those farm animals.
Everything's so adorable,
but most of all, I gotta
ask you, jeepers creepers,
where did
you get those eyeballs?
Is that color from
mama's side or daddy's side?
Funny you should ask.
We think the color
is from my mother's side.
Oh! Interesting.
But the shape
is from my father's side.
I have my father's eye.
You mean eyes.
Oh, no. His actual eye.
I had a bum cornea,
so when he died,
they just swapped his
right in to my eye
and that's why
I don't look at myself naked
'cause it wouldn't
be appropriate.
I don't think
he'd appreciate it.
I mean, he's a spirit.
He sees a lot of naked spirits.
I'm sure they don't
have clothes up there, but...
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(WHISPERING) Nice.
(BOMB BEEPS) Man.
I wish we could see
the look on her face
when this thing does off.
It'll be glitterific.
She may even glamppreciate it.
Stop doing that
with words, all right?
Remember what this woman did
to my Tuesday night tradition.
(PHONE RINGING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Just give me a second, okay?
Well, I... I see
your daughter's point.
Those girls are mean to me too.
But I still come to school.
Oh, no. Helen isn't here?
I have to put together
all these "Safe Sex" packets
before lunch.
She always tapes on
the condoms for me.
- Oh, sorry, Michelle.
We're out of tape.
There. Knee-length.
You are up to dress code.
And honestly, it's a good look.
(PHONES RINGING)
On to Plan B.
Oh, I guess
for the students too.
I can't ignore this anymore.
My tie is caught
in the paper shredder.
Can someone some here
and deal with this
worried mom who can only fax?
15 balls? That's it?
Ooh, damn, Rhonda.
Damn.
Is Ms. Demarcus here?
I accidentally ricocheted
a throwing star into my leg.
(GASPS)
- Uh, I'm here for my child?
- He's right here.
- That's not my mom.
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Your son is fine.
Could you take this one?
And just drop him
at the Baker's on the way home?
- That'll be fine.
- I might throw up in your car.
Car? I have a motorcycle.
Cool. Can I drive?
That'll be fine.
What? No, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Do these meat hunks
taste piney to you?
Mine's literally a pine cone.
Why's everybody eating in here?
We eat in here to avoid all
the muggles in the cafeteria.
Where's Ms. Demarcus?
She's still talking
to that dollhouse lady.
- What about the package?
Did the eagle land?
Is the lotion in the basket?
Yeah. Yeah, uh... I think so.
Later tonight, Granny Shitbird's
precious little White House
will be exploding
in a vengeful cloud of glitter.
All thanks to Helen and her
endless supply
of folksy nonsense.
(CHUCKLES) Tell you,
giving her a decoy biology
assignment actually worked.
It was amazing to watch
somebody else
get just absolutely blasted
by her incoherent word hose.
(IMITATING HELEN)
I once abducted
a group of aliens,
yet somehow I wound up
being the one that was probed!
I told you that in confidence.
Helen, I, um... I was
actually just telling the class
what a great job you did.
- This project isn't even real?
You lied to me?
You've been lying to me
this whole time?
You think I have a word hose?
And you think that word hose
is incoherent?
I'm not even getting credit
for this report?
I thought we were friends?
I mean,
I thought we were friends.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
And, uh, that's when
we planted the glitter bomb.
So how's that gonna help you
get the vintage popcorn popper
for your Tuesday Night
TV Night thing?
Admittedly, there is
no direct correlation.
His sorrow manifests
as externalized rage.
Well, thank you, Marcus.
Well, I am very sorry
that you're sad.
But you did lie to me.
And the only thing worse
than a bee stinging is
when a bee first tells you,
"I'm not gonna sting you."
And it's safe to go
into his bee house.
Did you stick your face
in a beehive, Helen?
I just wanted to meet a queen.
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
I really am.
So what are you gonna do
to fix what you did to that
double-jointed, pigeon-toed,
half-Albanian?
I'm gonna ask my friend
to help me fix it.
- Who's your friend?
- Helen...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) There's a bomb
in the White House.
And we're the only two people
on Earth who can stop it.
(DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
(DOOR LOCK RUSTLES)
- (QUIETLY) There we go.
There we go.
Okay, come on.
All right, it's right
over here, okay.
(EXHALES)
(DOOR CREAKING, BOMB TICKING)
Okay.
Which... which one do I, um?
Get the right one.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- (QUIETLY) Ahh!
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(EXHALES, SNIFFLES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(BOMB TICKING)
Oooh.
(BOMB STOPS TICKING)
(LAUGHS)
(WHISPERING) Yeah, success! Yes!
- (LAUGHS)
- You know what?
These things
are pretty impressive.
Yeah. The attention to detail
is surprisingly satisfying.
I mean, just look at that...
(FABRIC STRETCHING) Oh.
Jack.
I just got snagged
on the State of Liberty.
I'm a little caught up here.
Okay, all right...
Well, don't... don't move.
Let me... let me get it.
- I'm a fish on a hook.
- You sure are.
A little snagged?
- This is... this is crazy.
- (GROANS)
Oh, don't tug that part.
Well, I'm not even really
tugging yet.
Yeah, that's a house of cards
right there.
- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Try the other.
You caught hair. Ah!
Close. We're close here.
- (YELLS)
- Oh!
- Oh?
- Oh. That was close.
Yeah. Heh.
- I think if I stand up slowly.
- Uh-huh.
- (SCREAMS)
Oh, no, I'm in a panic.
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh.
(BOTH SCREAM)
Oh, oh!
Oh! Ouch!
- Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
- Oh, God.
Oh, no, what's on my head?
I can't see.
I can't see.
Oh, my God. Stop.
- What-what are you doing?
- Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh, no.
- Oh, God.
- What are you doing?
(WHIMPERING)
- No, no, no, no.
Don't stand up there.
(THUDS)
- (GROANING)
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... are you okay?
Ah!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
Hold on.
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Uh...
- Should, we, uh,
call the dollhouse lady,
tell her what happened?
I mean, I'll take the blame.
You're a good friend, Jack,
but we need to get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
I'm on probation.
I'll tell you the story
in the car.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Where are you going?
- Follow you.
Just... I'm disoriented.
(PHONE RINGING,
DISCONNECTED TONE)
(ELECTRONICS BUZZING)
- Durbs.
- Ralph?
- Durbs!
- Ralph!
Oh, no. Did you sleep here?
Yeah. But you know what?
It's okay.
(PHONES RINGING)
I can't... I'm broken. I can't.
Good morning, ram rods.
- Oh!
- Oh, Helen.
- Oh, thank God, Helen.
- Hey.
Oh, my fanny.
I really wanna support
you going back
and getting
your high school diploma.
But you are
too important to lose.
So I'm gonna go
against everything
this book tells me to do
and beg you to come back.
I... I'm nothing without you.
(STAMMERS) We'll have
a baby to fix it.
Well maybe not that...
Ralph, you know that
I can't say no to you.
Mrs. Durbin, these corns
aren't gonna shuck themselves.
Yeah, 'cause
you're gonna do them.
Now get the hell out of here.
Shoo!
(COINS JINGLING)
Don't make me spray you.
Comes in here trying to make me
do her job every day.
And you just have
to be firm with her.
That's all.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Hit the road, Rhonda.
Why don't you peel
your own corn, you...
Oh, God. She's coming back.
Hey, there's my star student.
- No, Jack.
You cannot have her back.
Here we go.
Two men fighting over me.
(LAUGHS)
It's not been the first time.
I made a real mess
of the cast of "Fuller House."
Sorry, Jack.
Clearly, my services
are needed here.
- Okay, well, listen.
I better give you this then.
- Really good work.
- A?
- Mm-yeah.
- Yahoo!
Hot mail! (LAUGHS)
Earth link. Aww.
Helen, what about
your final credits?
Oh, well. Look, Helen,
I mean, I could probably
help you with biology
when we both have
some down time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You would do that?
- Sure, why not?
- Oh, you little cutie!
- (LAUGHS)
You mind if I lay one on ya?
Oh. Uh...
- Boo-boop.
- Mmm.
Oh, okay.
An old Tootsie Roll.
Thank God.
Oh, they're good, aren't they?
Mm, no.
(POPCORN MACHINE WHIRRING)
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
I fixed the cord.
How? Wow.
- Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay, so...
ranch or nacho cheese?
What... what's tonight's episode?
- "A clown..."
- Eh.
"Goes after Jake
with a sawed-off shotgun,
"leaving the Fatman to remember
all the suspects
he's convicted."
- BOTH: Ranch.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- We get it.
Ah, dang it.
Oberland rejected me.
ALL: Aww.
They said I don't have
a high school diploma.
Well, yeah, because I didn't
graduate from high school,
you dummies.
Well, it looks like
Helen Henry Demarcus
is going back
to high school!
Good luck.
And now, "A.P. Bio."
(RELAXED MUSIC)
Mom, what popcorn topping
do you want?
Nacho cheese or ranch?
Whatever you want, Jacky.
- Hm.
- I can't decide.
What's tonight's episode called?
"Poor Butterfly."
Read the blurb please.
"When a dangerous pimp assaults.
"Fatman's sole witness
against him,
"Jake talks a scared prostitute
into helping him
set the pimp up."
A pimp-catching episode.
Definitely nacho cheese.
(CHUCKLES)
(POPCORN MACHINE HUMMING,
ELECTRICITY ZAPS)
(SIGHS) What the heck?
Why aren't you spinning,
big guy?
We don't need popcorn
to watch an old
"Jake and the Fatman."
- No, no, no.
You're wrong, okay?
Because it's a tradition,
all right?
We need the popcorn
and the Butter-tastic Pop 2
or it just isn't Tuesday Night
Stay Up Late TV Night.
- It just isn't.
- Okay.
- I don't know what to do.
No, no, no.
Come on, man.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(EXHALES)
Ah.
What the hell?
(RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART")
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time
♪ I'll listen to my heart
♪ Next time
♪ Well, I'll be smart
- (BELL RINGS)
- When I kindly demanded
a refund, that hell pigeon
threw a tiny piano at me,
leaving this abrasion
on my forehead.
So I thought I bought a
full-size popcorn maker, not...
this.
ALL: Aww.
No, it's not cute, okay?
It's... it's small,
and it's stupid.
(ALL GASP) (MACHINE BOUNCES)
Hey.
(SCOFFS) Uh-uh.
Oh, you didn't check
the dimensions, did you?
Internet pro tip, man.
Always scroll down
and check the dims.
I'll take
the tiny popcorn maker.
I have a dollhouse, and drama's
really been building up
since Kelsey caught Stink
in the hot tub with Andre.
But that just what happens when.
(REALITY TV ANNOUNCER VOICE)
seven strangers are picked
from my toy box to share a home.
(CHUCKLES)
- (NORMAL VOICE) Did I do a fail?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, Target has popcorn poppers.
And if you come in
on a Tuesday or a Saturday,
you can buy a hot dog
from yours truly, Grace.
Grace, I've talked to you before
about plugging
Target hot dogs in here.
Plus, I don't want
just any popcorn maker.
Okay?
I want the Butter-tastic Pop 2.
If you're looking
for my analysis
- of this situation...
- Oh, I'm not.
It seems like you've confused...
- I am not.
- The magic of TV night
- with a specific brand...
- I never am.
Of popcorn maker, and buddy,
that's like scooping peanut
butter out of a jelly jar.
Anthony, what's going on
over here with all the glitter?
It's a multimedia thing
I'm working on
that combines history,
rap, and glitter bombs.
It's sort of the next
revolutionary step
after "Hamilton."
Lost me at "Hamilton," bud.
So I had you
for the full thing then.
Guys, this is the mission, okay?
We need to destroy
this little granny.
Now how are we gonna do it?
Porch turd?
Come again.
I'm good.
Why don't we just sell this lady
a bunch of doll-sized
furniture, right?
And then when she gets it,
it'll be full-sized furniture.
How are we gonna make
full-size furniture look tiny?
All you gotta do
is make a 6-foot soda can.
And then take a picture
of the regular-sized furniture
next to it.
I do it all the time.
Yeah, let's send
that bitch a sectional.
Mr. Griffin,
if you're still wondering
what Marissa said,
I believe it was,
"porch turd."
Yeah... okay. Thanks, Eduardo.
Guys, we gotta
think bigger, okay?
I wanna hurt this old lady
the way she hurt TV night.
All right? I wanna mess up
her little store.
Without killing anybody.
You know?
That should go without saying
with all these, okay?
I mean, you guys know
it's never that, right?
Has that been super clear?
That... that we don't
kill the person?
It's definitely good
to hear out loud.
Yeah, now, Anthony,
these glitter bombs,
when they explode,
they could destroy something,
right?
The point of a glitter bomb
is not destruction.
- It is wonderment.
- Right.
But if I were to jam one
into a tiny dollhouse,
it would wreck it?
I think it would be glamazing.
Yeah, but an old
dollhouse lady would hate it?
Only if she hates
beauty and refracted light.
Okay, I think
we're saying the same thing.
Thanks, Anthony. All right.
Well, a mission is born.
You okay
with covering for me now?
Absolutely.
I'm the principal of the school.
I can answer a couple of calls.
I'm probably gonna kick back
and finish my book,
"You're OK, Divorcée.
Adventures in Singlehood."
Good. You're doing the work.
Do you mind if I take
the keyboard cleaner?
I'm really sweating it up.
(CAN HISSES)
Helen, are you nervous?
(SIGHS) I am, Ralph.
You're gonna be fine.
Think of old Harold.
Sacramento, all right?
Wife left him when he was 97.
Said he was too old.
Now he's out there dating,
having the time of his life.
Or... or maybe not.
This was published in 2013.
He's probably dead.
Oh, now I'm half nervous
and half sad.
Congratulations, Ralph.
You made me into an actual teen.
Are you too angsty to do a
handshake with your principal?
Never. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
BOTH: Boom. Boom.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Oooh.
Uh-uh-uh.
We got this. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Thank you, Ralph.
Hey, get going, little missy.
The bell rang ten minutes ago.
Oh, my God.
Out of my way, boomer.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Morning, Ralph.
- Hey.
- My Sex Ed condoms came.
Oh.
And looks like I ordered enough
to get the free dildo!
- (GIGGLES)
- Oh, uh...
Oh. Don't worry.
I'm giving it to a friend.
I am totally asexual, Ralph.
- (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
- (MUTTERS)
Actually, no, Ralph.
I'm not totally asexual.
I'm... I am fully sexual,
and this dildo is for me
for sex purposes.
Have a nice day.
Stop having those
delivered to school!
(DRAMATIC DRUM MUSIC)
She has a little
White House replica
right inside of her door.
So Anthony and I can plant
the glitter bomb
and retreat very easily.
We just need...
We need somebody to distract
Granny Shitbird.
We need the ultimate distractor.
What about you, Sarika?
You seem like you go
into a lot of stores
and ask to speak to the manager.
Only if the customer service
is subpar.
You asked to speak
to my manager.
It's called a hairnet, Grace.
Okay, no, but we need
a true distraction here.
If it comes to it,
I'd be willing to show my, uh,
kazoo. (ALL MURMURING)
You... no. No, come on, no.
And please never tell us
what you're referring to.
- Hey, yo, Mr. G.
What if it was this?
Let's say it's raining.
I've got my shirt open,
of course.
I walk up and I'm like,
♪ Maybe I saw you
at the movies, girl ♪
♪ Maybe I saw you
at the car wash ♪
♪ I can't remember
where I saw you, girl ♪
♪ But I remember
that I liked it, girl ♪
Cancel the sectional.
That bitch
is gonna need a coffin.
Very smooth. Very smooth.
Hey, teach. Sorry I'm tardy.
Oh! Son of a!
My apologies, Mr. Bones.
(LAUGHS)
I mean, I'm not sure if it's
a mister, but I'm assuming.
It's hard to tell
with their groin
once the flesh is boiled off.
Historically,
most of those are made
from male hobo bodies.
And, you know, the lady hobos
don't donate
their bodies as much.
Isn't that a headscratcher?
Anyway, I don't mean
to distract from the learning.
So take it away, Mr. Griffins.
Yes.
Please continue the lesson,
Mr. Griffins.
As you can see,
I've drawn a popcorn maker,
which is the perfect thing
to picture
the orderly chaos
within each human cell.
And then we got talking
about a biological phenomenon
known as distractors.
(GROANS, CLEARS THROAT)
Seems to... I put my backpack...
I took it off
while I was sitting.
And it somehow hooked
to the top of my undergrunders.
It's just... (CLEARS THROAT)
I just gotta free myself
from this little trap here.
Yuyao, can you... (SIGHS)
Unzip that big zipper
back there?
But just do it real slow.
Otherwise, I think I'm gonna
launch into the blackboard.
I'm basically a bullfrog
in a slingshot right now.
Oh, God. That hurts.
That is bad. Yuyao, pull.
No! That's the wrong way.
(SIGHS) My pork tenderloin is...
I'm not gonna be able to sit
on a barstool for like a year.
Looks like we found
our distractor.
(GROANS) I'm just glued!
I'm glued and I'm flossed.
(DRUM MUSIC)
- (BELL RINGS)
- So, uh, Helen,
you're a little further behind
than I thought.
And in order to get you
fully caught up,
I'm gonna need you to do
your report
on DNA today, all right?
You are gonna be interviewing
a real life Toledoan
about her family tree.
I... I really should
get back to the office, Jack.
Oh, no, well,
look at Anthony's dedication
to biology.
I mean, he should
probably be getting to...
- Gym class.
- Yeah, gym class.
But he's skipping that
'cause he loves...
- Not running.
- No.
No. Because he loves biology.
All right? So grab your things.
Now, listen. Listen.
Durbin is gonna be fine.
- (PHONES RINGING)
- I'm s... I don't know
which button here is hold,
but I have some good news.
Your son is not sick.
I made an error.
It's Caleb Baker,
not Caleb Barker.
Uh, so...
and I'm sorry
that you used your...
one phone call to find that out.
Uh, Ms. Barker, can you
please hold for just a second?
Mm, yeah. (PHONE RINGING)
Congratulations,
you're caller 97
on the free money giveaway.
Just give us
the phrase that pays.
FM 97 plays all the songs
that are fit to hear.
(BUZZER BLARES)
(VOICE DISTORTS) Wipeout.
BOTH: FM 97 plays the tunes
that make you move.
I... that's the phrase?
So, Durbs, Helen promised me
a bushel of pinecones
for an art project.
We're making these cute
little pinecone creatures
for the children's hospital.
Okay, yeah,
I'll find the pinecones.
Can you guys get these?
(PHONES RINGING)
Oh.
Whitlock Rams,
home of the... the Rams.
What's up, caller number one?
- Hello, Whitlock residence.
Mary speaking.
Mr. Durbin,
did you get my mom yet?
- I think I might be sick soon.
- (STAMMERS)
- Where's your wife?
- Helen is not my wife.
- Then what's with the photo?
- It's fake!
We're not married,
and we're not mermaids.
I need 1,000 meatballs by 10:00.
It's spaghetti day.
I have carpal tunnel.
No, I don't know
the "school hours."
It's open, like,
most of the time.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
can you... Durbs.
We cannot do this.
Can we please get Helen back?
- No.
- Over my dead body.
She is following her dream.
When Anne, 58,
from Tulsa got divorced,
she followed her dream of
becoming an animal therapist.
She was kicked in the head
doing what she loves best...
Tickling horses' feet.
And she never thought
of her ex-husband again.
Or tied her shoes.
Now see, Durbs,
that started to help
and then did not.
Okay, fine,
I'll handle the call.
Can someone start
on the meatballs?
(CART CREAKING)
- (SIGHS)
- (GAGS)
(MEAT SQUELCHES)
Nothing like an early morning
raw beef bath.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
I love even in the little
gas station over there
the bathroom is clean.
It's just...
I love everything,
and I especially love
those farm animals.
Everything's so adorable,
but most of all, I gotta
ask you, jeepers creepers,
where did
you get those eyeballs?
Is that color from
mama's side or daddy's side?
Funny you should ask.
We think the color
is from my mother's side.
Oh! Interesting.
But the shape
is from my father's side.
I have my father's eye.
You mean eyes.
Oh, no. His actual eye.
I had a bum cornea,
so when he died,
they just swapped his
right in to my eye
and that's why
I don't look at myself naked
'cause it wouldn't
be appropriate.
I don't think
he'd appreciate it.
I mean, he's a spirit.
He sees a lot of naked spirits.
I'm sure they don't
have clothes up there, but...
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(WHISPERING) Nice.
(BOMB BEEPS) Man.
I wish we could see
the look on her face
when this thing does off.
It'll be glitterific.
She may even glamppreciate it.
Stop doing that
with words, all right?
Remember what this woman did
to my Tuesday night tradition.
(PHONE RINGING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Just give me a second, okay?
Well, I... I see
your daughter's point.
Those girls are mean to me too.
But I still come to school.
Oh, no. Helen isn't here?
I have to put together
all these "Safe Sex" packets
before lunch.
She always tapes on
the condoms for me.
- Oh, sorry, Michelle.
We're out of tape.
There. Knee-length.
You are up to dress code.
And honestly, it's a good look.
(PHONES RINGING)
On to Plan B.
Oh, I guess
for the students too.
I can't ignore this anymore.
My tie is caught
in the paper shredder.
Can someone some here
and deal with this
worried mom who can only fax?
15 balls? That's it?
Ooh, damn, Rhonda.
Damn.
Is Ms. Demarcus here?
I accidentally ricocheted
a throwing star into my leg.
(GASPS)
- Uh, I'm here for my child?
- He's right here.
- That's not my mom.
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Your son is fine.
Could you take this one?
And just drop him
at the Baker's on the way home?
- That'll be fine.
- I might throw up in your car.
Car? I have a motorcycle.
Cool. Can I drive?
That'll be fine.
What? No, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Do these meat hunks
taste piney to you?
Mine's literally a pine cone.
Why's everybody eating in here?
We eat in here to avoid all
the muggles in the cafeteria.
Where's Ms. Demarcus?
She's still talking
to that dollhouse lady.
- What about the package?
Did the eagle land?
Is the lotion in the basket?
Yeah. Yeah, uh... I think so.
Later tonight, Granny Shitbird's
precious little White House
will be exploding
in a vengeful cloud of glitter.
All thanks to Helen and her
endless supply
of folksy nonsense.
(CHUCKLES) Tell you,
giving her a decoy biology
assignment actually worked.
It was amazing to watch
somebody else
get just absolutely blasted
by her incoherent word hose.
(IMITATING HELEN)
I once abducted
a group of aliens,
yet somehow I wound up
being the one that was probed!
I told you that in confidence.
Helen, I, um... I was
actually just telling the class
what a great job you did.
- This project isn't even real?
You lied to me?
You've been lying to me
this whole time?
You think I have a word hose?
And you think that word hose
is incoherent?
I'm not even getting credit
for this report?
I thought we were friends?
I mean,
I thought we were friends.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
And, uh, that's when
we planted the glitter bomb.
So how's that gonna help you
get the vintage popcorn popper
for your Tuesday Night
TV Night thing?
Admittedly, there is
no direct correlation.
His sorrow manifests
as externalized rage.
Well, thank you, Marcus.
Well, I am very sorry
that you're sad.
But you did lie to me.
And the only thing worse
than a bee stinging is
when a bee first tells you,
"I'm not gonna sting you."
And it's safe to go
into his bee house.
Did you stick your face
in a beehive, Helen?
I just wanted to meet a queen.
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
I really am.
So what are you gonna do
to fix what you did to that
double-jointed, pigeon-toed,
half-Albanian?
I'm gonna ask my friend
to help me fix it.
- Who's your friend?
- Helen...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) There's a bomb
in the White House.
And we're the only two people
on Earth who can stop it.
(DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
(DOOR LOCK RUSTLES)
- (QUIETLY) There we go.
There we go.
Okay, come on.
All right, it's right
over here, okay.
(EXHALES)
(DOOR CREAKING, BOMB TICKING)
Okay.
Which... which one do I, um?
Get the right one.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- (QUIETLY) Ahh!
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(EXHALES, SNIFFLES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(BOMB TICKING)
Oooh.
(BOMB STOPS TICKING)
(LAUGHS)
(WHISPERING) Yeah, success! Yes!
- (LAUGHS)
- You know what?
These things
are pretty impressive.
Yeah. The attention to detail
is surprisingly satisfying.
I mean, just look at that...
(FABRIC STRETCHING) Oh.
Jack.
I just got snagged
on the State of Liberty.
I'm a little caught up here.
Okay, all right...
Well, don't... don't move.
Let me... let me get it.
- I'm a fish on a hook.
- You sure are.
A little snagged?
- This is... this is crazy.
- (GROANS)
Oh, don't tug that part.
Well, I'm not even really
tugging yet.
Yeah, that's a house of cards
right there.
- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Try the other.
You caught hair. Ah!
Close. We're close here.
- (YELLS)
- Oh!
- Oh?
- Oh. That was close.
Yeah. Heh.
- I think if I stand up slowly.
- Uh-huh.
- (SCREAMS)
Oh, no, I'm in a panic.
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh.
(BOTH SCREAM)
Oh, oh!
Oh! Ouch!
- Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
- Oh, God.
Oh, no, what's on my head?
I can't see.
I can't see.
Oh, my God. Stop.
- What-what are you doing?
- Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh, no.
- Oh, God.
- What are you doing?
(WHIMPERING)
- No, no, no, no.
Don't stand up there.
(THUDS)
- (GROANING)
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... are you okay?
Ah!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
Hold on.
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Uh...
- Should, we, uh,
call the dollhouse lady,
tell her what happened?
I mean, I'll take the blame.
You're a good friend, Jack,
but we need to get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
I'm on probation.
I'll tell you the story
in the car.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Where are you going?
- Follow you.
Just... I'm disoriented.
(PHONE RINGING,
DISCONNECTED TONE)
(ELECTRONICS BUZZING)
- Durbs.
- Ralph?
- Durbs!
- Ralph!
Oh, no. Did you sleep here?
Yeah. But you know what?
It's okay.
(PHONES RINGING)
I can't... I'm broken. I can't.
Good morning, ram rods.
- Oh!
- Oh, Helen.
- Oh, thank God, Helen.
- Hey.
Oh, my fanny.
I really wanna support
you going back
and getting
your high school diploma.
But you are
too important to lose.
So I'm gonna go
against everything
this book tells me to do
and beg you to come back.
I... I'm nothing without you.
(STAMMERS) We'll have
a baby to fix it.
Well maybe not that...
Ralph, you know that
I can't say no to you.
Mrs. Durbin, these corns
aren't gonna shuck themselves.
Yeah, 'cause
you're gonna do them.
Now get the hell out of here.
Shoo!
(COINS JINGLING)
Don't make me spray you.
Comes in here trying to make me
do her job every day.
And you just have
to be firm with her.
That's all.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Hit the road, Rhonda.
Why don't you peel
your own corn, you...
Oh, God. She's coming back.
Hey, there's my star student.
- No, Jack.
You cannot have her back.
Here we go.
Two men fighting over me.
(LAUGHS)
It's not been the first time.
I made a real mess
of the cast of "Fuller House."
Sorry, Jack.
Clearly, my services
are needed here.
- Okay, well, listen.
I better give you this then.
- Really good work.
- A?
- Mm-yeah.
- Yahoo!
Hot mail! (LAUGHS)
Earth link. Aww.
Helen, what about
your final credits?
Oh, well. Look, Helen,
I mean, I could probably
help you with biology
when we both have
some down time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You would do that?
- Sure, why not?
- Oh, you little cutie!
- (LAUGHS)
You mind if I lay one on ya?
Oh. Uh...
- Boo-boop.
- Mmm.
Oh, okay.
An old Tootsie Roll.
Thank God.
Oh, they're good, aren't they?
Mm, no.
(POPCORN MACHINE WHIRRING)
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
I fixed the cord.
How? Wow.
- Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay, so...
ranch or nacho cheese?
What... what's tonight's episode?
- "A clown..."
- Eh.
"Goes after Jake
with a sawed-off shotgun,
"leaving the Fatman to remember
all the suspects
he's convicted."
- BOTH: Ranch.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- We get it.