A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 4 - Secret AgANT - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Whoa, Chyna!

Before I say anything
about how you look,

are we at the point in our friendship
where I can be honest with you?

Or do I need to tip-toe around your fragile
ego and tell you that you look great?

Lexi's been in the
stupid bathroom for, like,

three hours and I couldn't get in, okay?

Well, don't worry, you look great.

We're being attacked by ninjas!

Or worst, a couple of Sushi chefs!

Hello, ladies.



I hope my sparring
buddies didn't scare you.

I'm a new student here.
The name is Ticonderoga.

Dixon Ticonderoga.

Chyna.

Parks.

Chyna.

I did that wrong, didn't I?

♪Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

♪Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

Woo!

♪Everybody's got that thing.

♪Something different, we all bring.

♪Don't you let 'em, clip your wings.

♪You got it! You got it!



♪We're on fire and we
blaze, in extraordinary ways.

♪365 days.

♪We got it! We got it!

♪You can dream it. You can be it.

♪If you can feel
it, you can believe it!

♪Because I am, you are, we are...

♪Exceptional.

♪Exceptional!

♪Yeah, I am, you are, we are...

♪Exceptional.

♪Exceptional!

♪Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

Woo!

Excuse me, ladies, while I slip into
something a little less comfortable.

So, Dixon.

Are you a maitre d' prodigy?

No, I'm training to
be recruited by the CIA

to be the world's next
top secret super spy.

If it's top secret, should
you have told us that?

That's why I'm still in training!

Well, as you know,
practice makes perfect...

Teeth, and cheekbones.

Thank you. You know, I believe that looking
one's best is of the utmost importance.

Me, too. Uh, Chyna?

What are you doing?

Oh. I'm just taking this back.
The ninja and I share clothes.

Hey, don't forget to
return that pink miniskirt!

Interesting factoid about miniskirts.

While stylish, they
also reek of desperation.

Less of a factoid, more of a personal
judgment, but interesting nonetheless.

So, super spy, huh?

Have you considered a
less dangerous career?

Like being a musician's husband?

Maybe we could discuss it over lunch?

Lunch? Sounds great! What are we having?

I was talking to Ticonderoga,
Dixon Ticonderoga.

Why don't you go hang out with
some of your other friends?

Depressing factoid, I don't
have any other friends.

Make some.

What are you doing?

My dad told me when I reached high
school age, I'd have to start shaving.

Besides, I want to look my best. I'm at
a new school and want to reinvent myself.

It is an opportunity for you to be
rejected by a whole new class of girls.

I'm not interested
in any girl but Chyna.

You have to get over her.

Chyna only sees you as a friend.

And frankly, I don't
even really get that.

All right, if you're
such an expert then,

how do I make Chyna to start
seeing me as boyfriend material?

For one thing, start shaving
your face instead of your legs.

Look, if you want Chyna to think
of you as boyfriend material,

she needs to see you
dating someone else.

Now...

Is there any woman who has ever shown
even the slightest interest in you?

My Grandma Dottie sends me
birthday cards every year.

Anyone who isn't related to you?

How about Chyna?

Wow. You are really bad at this.

Wow.

I don't know what's more impressive,
showing up for lunch that way or,

the fact you have your own helicopter.

You know, I also do
traffic for News 650.

By the way, avoid the Dumbarton
Bridge. It's slow and go.

Hey, Dixon. Ready for lunch?

Uh, what is she doing here?

I met her in math class.

Thought the three of us could dine
together and all get to know one another.

Reed. Lexi Reed, meet
Parks. Chyna Parks.

Oh, we know each other.

Excuse me.

Ah. I have to take
this. It's Ticonderoga.

Mrs. Ticonderoga. Code name...

Mommy.

I can't believe you crashed my date!

It's my date.

And let's face it, Dixon's never going
to choose to go out with you over me.

I mean, look at me and then look at you.

And then look at me again to get
the taste of you out of your eyes.

Okay, that was mean and
it didn't make any sense.

Well, maybe this'll be clear.

Hot the road, Chyna, but
avoid the Dumbarton Bridge...

I hear it's crazy busy.

Olive, can you believe that Lexi showed
up and ruined my lunch with Dixon?

Do you mind? I'm trying to
hang out with my new friend,

whom I have much more in
common with than I do with you.

I know.

So rude.

Maybe Chyna should try to find
new friends like we did, Olive.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry
I got rid of you earlier.

It was inconsiderate, and I apologize.

Well, I forgive you. But
I can't speak for Olive.

Yes, you can.

Oh. Well, then she forgives you, too.

What am I supposed to do? I'm going to
lose Dixon to Lexi, and I really like him.

I mean, he's really handsome,
and his personality is...

Well, I didn't really
notice his personality,

but I'm sure it's very handsome.

Try to find some common interests.

Hmm... Dixon seems
like an adventurous guy.

So just show him that you like to do
things that are adventurous and dangerous.

- You mean like eating Indian food?
- It's not that spicy!

Look, if you want Dixon, you
need to step up your game.

Olive ain't wrong, honey. Mmm-hmm.

What about her?

If she were my girlfriend,
that'll make Chyna notice me.

Sorry, I already got dibs on her.

Fine.

What about her?

I got dibs on her, too.

Is there any girl you
don't have dibs on?

Ah. Let me see. Uh... no!

Tell you what, I'll let
you go after Kennedy.

The girl who wants to
grow up to be President?

Yeah, she's a debate prodigy.
A girl whose talent is talking?

No, thank you.

You think she'll go for me?

No.

But go for it. Your pathetic
life couldn't get any worse.

Now remember, it's all about confidence.

Hey, Kennedy. I was wondering if you'd
be interested in going out with me?

That is a good question,
Fletcher. An important question.

A question that keeps me up at night.

But before I answer that question, I
think folks need to ask themselves...

"As a country, where are we going?"

Um... to dinner at the Taco Hut.

I think. I'm confused.

I understand where you're coming from.

There's a lot of uncertainty out there.

That is why you need me.

That is why America needs me!

I don't know what's happening!

You know, the other day I met a boy
in Pensacola, Florida, Jeffrey Burgess.

Jeffrey asked me the exact
same question, he said...

"Kennedy, where do you
stand on green energy?"

That's not what I asked!

I need to know if you'll
go out with me or not.

I am not one to succumb
to political pressure.

But I am holding a fundraiser to
finance my 2032 presidential campaign.

And voters prefer candidates
in stable relationships.

My head hurts worse than my thighs,
which have some serious razor burn!

That sense of humor is
going to win me Ohio!

I will go out with you.

Kennedy-Fletcher, for
a brighter tomorrow!

Hey, easy! I also shaved my armpits.

Hiya!

Hiya, yourself, handsome.

Hey. I'm just practicing my karate.

You never know when you
might be attacked by lumber.

And funny!

Hug me!

I mean, teach me one of
those karate hold moves.

I guess I could teach you
some simple martial arts,

but you'll need to
remove your high heels.

Okay.

And your high heel socks.

Oh! Hey, Dixon.

Chyna! What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just partaking in
one of my favorite hobbies,

climbing skyscrapers with a suit made
with suction cups from baby-on-board signs.

That sounds dangerous.

Oh, it is, but you know,
"Danger" is my middle name.

Of course, I pronounce it "Dahn-zhay".

This isn't good.

Yet, suddenly, it is good.

Chyna Dahn-zhay Parks,
you'll pay for this!

Or my middle name isn't "revenge"!

Pronounced "Ray-vahn-zhay".

Well, I feel stupid. My
middle name is Herbert.

There you are, Chyna!

Do you know Kennedy?

Just from her lawn signs.

Kennedy's my new girlfriend!

That's what happens when
you're boyfriend material.

Have you decided who you're
going to vote for in 2032?

Because I can assure you that my
opponent, whoever it might end up being,

is woefully unqualified
and hates puppies.

I'm dating her.

Excuse me. I'm Kennedy Van Buren, and
I need to go approve some messages.

You have a girlfriend?

You heard? I was trying to keep my
having a girlfriend on the hush-hush.

Wow, Fletcher. Look at you. Mr. Smooth.

That's right. I guess
I'm kind of a ladies' man.

No, I meant your legs.
They're just so smooth.

Oh, yeah, and congrats on
finally getting a girlfriend.

Angus, your stupid plan didn't work.

Okay, you've got to be
more specific. Which plan?

I've got a lot of stuff going on.

Check out the bikini I bought for
my scuba diving date with Dixon.

It goes perfectly with
my new high heel flippers.

Lexi, you can't scuba diving in a
bikini. You have to wear a wetsuit.

Fine.

I didn't mean under your bikini.

I bought this bikini, I'm wearing it.

Now I just have to put my fake
eyelashes on the scuba mask.

Chyna! Lexi has a scuba
diving date with Dixon.

She's in the bathroom getting ready.

That should give you a
three-hour head start!

Hey, Dixon. I'm ready
to go scuba diving!

Scuba diving?

We're bird watching.

Uh... I know.

This is my bird watching outfit.
Anyone can find birds in the sky.

But finding them
underwater, that takes skill.

Look, it's the rare
Great-Tailed Grackle!

Where?

Never mind, I see it.

Great news, honey. I got the results.

Of our history test? I think I aced it.

Our first President was the
four-headed guy Count Rushmore, right?

I mean the results of the online survey.

Oh, survey? What are you researching?

You. Since we're dating,

I asked a representative cross-section
of Americans what they thought of you.

Don't worry, the feedback
wasn't all negative.

Just in the north, the east, the south, the
midwest, the northwest, and the southwest.

The southwest?

That's where my Grandma Dottie lives.

Don't worry. On the whole...

People found you likeable,
just lacking in certain areas,

such as masculinity, strength
of character, charm, personality,

trustworthiness,
appearance, and likability.

But a minute ago, you
just said I was likeable.

I know. I was trying
to make you feel better.

That's why my likability
rating is so high.

Okay, so, the red is negative
and the green is positive?

No, the green is undecided.

Kansas is in. They hate you.

Olive, it was a complete disaster.

I shot a rare Great-Tailed Grackle!

Interesting factoid, thanks
to you, they're no longer rare.

They're extinct.

Well, how did this happen?

Obviously, Lexi set you up.

She told me she and Dixon
were going scuba diving,

knowing I'd tell you, so
you'd show up looking foolish.

I can't believe Lexi.

What kind of a person tries to sabotage

someone when you're
trying to steal her date?

Well, it's payback time!

And revenge is a dish
best served with music.

I thought it was best served cold.

Okay, you do it your
way, and I'll do it mine.

♪ This gift is from Chyna with love.

♪ The boy I had dreamed
of came from above.

♪ We fit together like hand and glove.

♪ So I send this gift from Chyna...

♪With love!

Zap!

♪ Ignore that bore.

♪ A boy like you has more in store.

♪ Life will be a chore
with that girl next door.

♪ So I implore you to fall for Lexi.

♪ Kisses galore! ♪

Zap!

Vote for Kennedy.

Vote for Kennedy.

Hey, lover boy. How's it going?

Terrible. I'm stuck in this
relationship with Kennedy

and she's trying to
change everything about me!

Well, I'm having a good day. I made
30 bucks taking an online survey.

Angus!

We're trying to raise
money for my campaign,

so I'm going to have to ask
you to stop distracting Scott.

Who's Scott?

I am.

Apparently, research shows
that Fletcher is a weak name.

Oh, cool! They agreed with my comment.

Kennedy, I'm starting to wonder if
you and I are right for each other.

- Maybe we should break up.
- We should.

If we're quitters! But we're not.
These problems are worth solving.

Will it take work? You bet!

Ask not what this
relationship can do for you,

but what you can do
for this relationship!

I'm a quitter.

I'm such a quitter that...

See? I even quit on that sentence.

That's why you have me.

To give you some backbone.

Now, stand up straight and
pass out those buttons, Scott.

Chyna, you're responsible for this.

Yeah, well I'm still feeling the
effects of that electric jolt to my head.

It's making me add extra words to the
ends of my sentences spaghetti pelican.

You sound so silly.

Look, Lexi, you need to back off.
Dixon is mine carousel toothpaste!

You think he wants you? Are you serious?

Completely serious thermostat picnic.

Let's settle this! Put up your dukes!

Just don't touch my eyes. I had
my makeup done professionally.

Fine. As long as you
don't mess up my hair,

because it took forever to
do bedspread pumpernickel.

Fine. And don't ruin
my dress. It's designer.

Fine. And I just got my nails done, so
don't chip the polish iceberg blueberry.

Hey, I'm cured! That's the name of
this nail polish, "iceberg blueberry".

Fine. No eyes, no hair, no
dress, no nails. Let's fight!

I guess we could kick each other.

Are you crazy? These are new shoes!

Ugh, how are we supposed to fight?

I know a way.

Okay. Now it's on!
Get her, Chyna-ninja!

Hey! Don't pull Lexi-ninja's hair!

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please!

You two are completely out of control!

This whole thing is Chyna's fault!

- You started it!
- I certainly did not!

Then who did?

While those two
wackadoodles work things out,

why don't you go grab us
something to drink, doll-face?

Olive? You're interested in Dixon?

Yes, and I have been from the start.

That's why I told you
to try a dangerous sport,

knowing you'd make a fool of yourself.

I also arranged for Lexi to show up
in a wet suit on a bird watching date.

But you were more than eager
to step in and take the fall.

Then all I had to do was sit back and
watch the two of you destroy each other.

Of course, I didn't actually sit back.

I sat in an ergonomically correct position
because it's better for your posture.

You did all that?

Dixon! I can explain.

No need. You are the most secretive,

underhanded, manipulative
girl I have ever met.

I'll say!

You are just my type!

- What?
- What snickerdoodle cummerbund?

Dang it, it's back fingernail crab cake!

So, Olive, how about we take my helicopter
and go grab some dinner in Sonoma?

I'd love to.

Sorry, Chyna. I know we're best
friends, but interesting factoid, psych!

♪ Double crossed.
We've been double crossed.

♪ Thanks to Olive, all hope
is lost, seersucker trampoline.

♪ She stole our handsome Dixon.

♪ Why did we trust that
evil vixen volcano hootenanny?

♪ It seems we've both paid the cost.

- ♪ We've been double crossed!
- Filibuster tangerine!

Guys, do you mind? We're
trying to have dinner here.