A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Animal HusbANTry - full transcript

Sub created by: David Coleman.

That is the cutest thing
I have ever seen!

Why am I talking like this?

Thank you. I know I normally
wear floral cardigans,

but I thought I'd live on the
wild side and try unicorns.

Not your sweater. That!

Seth, what is that?

It's a new species of animal I discovered
on my zoology expedition to Australia.

It's a "puppenoala".

A cross between a puppy,
a kitten, and a koala.

Yeah, sure, it's cute,
but can it do this?



Anyway, it's pregnant
with a litter and I...

I want one! I want one!

Chyna, I can't give the
babies to just anyone.

I need to make sure they'll
be properly cared for.

Please give me one! I'll
take great care of it.

Uh... I'm not so
sure about that.

One time, Chyna ran into the market and
left me tied to a parking meter out front.

Quiet! Bad Olive!

Oh man. They've discovered
a bald eagle in crisis.

They want me to lead the rescue team,
but... I need someone to feed my animals.

I'll do it! I'll do it!
Because I'm a good friend.

And I'm super responsible!

Responsible enough to
have a puppenoala!

Maybe two so they can snuggle!



You sure it's not
too much trouble?

No way!

No way!

♪ Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

♪ Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

Woo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing.

♪ Something different,
we all bring.

♪ Don't you let 'em,
clip your wings.

♪ You got it! You got it!

♪ We're on fire and we blaze,
in extraordinary ways.

♪ 365 days.

♪ We got it! We got it!

♪ You can dream it.
You can be it.

♪ If you can feel it,
you can believe it!

♪ Because I am, you
are, we are...

♪ Exceptional.

♪ Exceptional!

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are...

♪ Exceptional.

♪ Exceptional!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

Woo!

Guys! Have you guys
seen the chameleon?

It looks like, well...

Everything.

You may not know this, but as a possum, you
are one of a variety of didelphimorphs

that plays dead in order to avoid
pests and other nuisances.

Interesting factoid...

Fletcher, did you see that? I
was just talking about the

defense mechanisms of
didelphimorphs, when suddenly...

Oh no! It's Seth.

- I don't want to talk to him.
- Okay, I'll do it.

Hi, Seth.

Horrible!

Um... what she meant was...

We miss you horribly...

Because we wish you were here to
see how well things are going.

That's great! Mind if I have
a word with Daphne, my duck?

A word?

Yeah. Daphne is
exceptionally intelligent

and I've taught her to
communicate with me.

Oh, really?

I can't let him
talk to the duck!

The duck will tell him how
bad a job we're doing!

Um, now is not really a
good time because...

The duck went for a walk.

Well, a waddle.

She went for a walk?

Yes. I know duck is naturally fatty,
but that's no excuse to not exercise.

But I'll tell you called. Bye!

Chyna, how could you do that?

Look, I'm sorry I lied, but I
didn't want Seth to worry.

I meant calling the duck fat!
She's right there!

Paisley, you're finally here!

Sorry it took me so long.

These rolling suitcases are not
as convenient as you would think.

I have so many things
planned for your visit!

This morning you can
compliment my hair.

At lunch, you can
compliment my outfit.

And after lunch you can compliment
me on how well I take compliments!

Wow! Your new school
looks amazing.

Ha! It's supposed to be so fancy, but
they expect me to make my own bed.

I'll make your bed.

I just need a saw and some wood.

Mr. Grundy, Sir, given that I
have an MBA degree from Harvard,

I was hoping I could have some
responsibilities that didn't involve...

Children!

Look around. They're everywhere!

You have plenty on your
plate as Den Mother.

It doesn't take up
that much time.

When a kid gets hurt, I just
tell them to walk it off.

If they have emotional
problems, "walk it off".

If they're homesick,
"walk it off".

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, they walk all
the way home and never come back.

Well, I do need someone
to test the new Z-Phone.

Oh! I'm your man!

I mean, I'm your woman.

I mean, not your woman. Obviously
I'm way out of your league.

But thank you for
the opportunity!

I need the new Z-Phone to be
so simple, anyone can use it.

So I need you to test it out on the
least intelligent person on the planet.

Where am I supposed to
find someone that dumb?

Paisley, if you want to cut that,
you have to use the teeth.

Well, that makes
much more sense.

That girl is the
ideal test subject!

I want to know what kind
of phone she would use.

I want you to pick her...

Let's say, brain.

Let me introduce myself. I'm...

I'm Winter. And your name is?

Come on. Don't keep
me in suspense.

What a day.

So far I've been roared at,

pooped on, and almost lost a
finger trying to serve food.

It's like Thanksgiving
with my cousins.

The only good part is I got to
spend the day with my best friend.

Thank you.

I mean Eleanor.

This chicken and I have
so much in common.

We both love hugs.

We both hate eating chicken.

And we both cross the
road for the same reason.

To get to the nail salon.

See, we got matching manicures.
Look at that.

Ah, it's time to feed the...

Alligator!

- Later gator!
- No.

It's our responsibility to
take care of these animals.

We have to do this.

Now, where's the
alligator's food?

You're holding it.

What?

It says to feed the
chicken to the alligator.

But I can't!

She's a living creature,
and my friend!

Besides, we have a salon
appointment at three o'clock!

We're both getting
our hair feathered!

Okay, Paisley. Your job is very simple.
I just need you to test the phone.

You mean like a history test?

Who was the twelveteenth
President...

Of the Un-tied
Skates of America?

Why did I bother getting an MBA?

Mmm. You got us a sandwich?

By the way, I think
it's pronounced BLT.

But don't ask me
how it's spelled.

Mr. Grundy, you're ruining
my weekend with Paisley!

She's supposed to be helping
me arrange my clothes

according to how inferior
they make people feel.

Sorry, she's an
employee of Z-Tech now.

Although, after seeing her
try to eat a piece of wood,

I regret giving her
dental coverage.

You hired Paisley?

She's a total airhead. She couldn't
even get into this school.

Well, our standards
are very high.

No. I mean she couldn't
even get into the building.

She doesn't know how
to work a door!

Let's try something very simple.

Try calling me.

Okay.

Winter!

I can't feed Eleanor
to an alligator.

We don't have to feed the
alligator this chicken.

Why don't we just get a rotisserie
chicken from the cafeteria?

Obvious factoid,
alligators are hunters.

It's not going to eat a
chicken that's not moving.

La, la, la, la, la.

I feel so...

Alive!

Get it closer to the alligator.

I'm just going to go
for a little stroll!

Looking tasty and
showing a little skin.

I hope I don't run into
a big, nasty alligator.

Ooh.

- This is a disaster.
- I know.

Fletcher, your string
work is shoddy and the

chicken's narrative is
hackneyed and predictable.

Chyna, you can't keep
the chicken forever!

You have to feed the alligator.

You're just jealous!

Jealous of the friendship
that Eleanor and I have!

Well, you did take her on a hot
air balloon ride and not me.

Chyna, your problem is solved.

I fed the alligator.

What are you talking about? The
chicken is right here with me.

I fed it the other chicken.

- What other chicken?
- The water chicken.

The water chicken?

Yeah, with the webby feet?

You mean the duck?

Whatever it's called.
I'm not a urologist.

Fletcher! That duck was
a scientific miracle.

The world's only talking duck!

Well, then it should have said something
when I was feeding it to the alligator.

Like what? "I'm not
a water chicken"

"because there's no such
thing as water chickens!"

Something in that area, sure.

Seth is never going
to forgive me!

I agree.

This is why I'm better
friends with the chicken.

All right. It wasn't easy, but I got
us a replacement water chicken.

It's a duck.

And where did you get it?

Just down the road at
Lake Warning-Do-Not-Swim.

Are those leeches? Are you okay?

Not really.

They should probably put up a
warning sign by that lake.

But this duck looks
just like Daphne.

Seth will never know
the difference.

Well, I do notice
one difference.

This duck doesn't speak English.

Well, if Seth taught one duck to
speak, maybe we could teach this one.

How?

Obviously, we should start
with Latin because that

will make it much easier
to learn other languages.

Let's try speaking
English to it first.

Bonjour, mon petit poulet d'eau.

Why are you speaking French?

I don't know what I'm saying.

I've lost a lot of blood.

To make this phone as
simple as possible,

I've stripped away all of
its complicated features.

Though, by the look on
your face, I can tell you

have no idea what "complicated"
or "features" mean.

Anyway, tell me what you think.

I don't like the way it tastes.

You don't put a phone
in your mouth.

You hold it up to your ear.

I can't taste it with my ear.

It doesn't have taste buds.

It has ear buds.

I think that's enough for today.
Or for...

Ever.

But I have so many other ideas.

Like, I'm always
losing my phone,

so maybe it should have legs
so it can follow me around.

Also, every phone has a camera, but how
come none of them have a back scratcher?

Of course! Why didn't
I think of that?

Oh, because oxygen
actually reaches my brain.

I'm hungry. Want to
join me for an MBA?

Winter, I need to talk to you.
I have a huge problem.

Walk it off.

I haven't gotten to spend any time
with Paisley, my best friend.

And I'm at a new school where all people
care about are the unimportant things,

like how smart you are.

Paisley's the only one who cares
what I'm like on the outside.

Believe me, if I could
get rid of her, I would.

She's ruining my design
with her ridiculous ideas.

Well, maybe you
should use her ideas.

What?

Incorporate all of Paisley's
suggestions, give her all the credit...

And when the phone is horrible, Mr.
Grundy will fire her.

That's a great idea!

You're brilliant!

Brilliant? Ugh!

You're just like all the others!

You'd think in this day
and age a girl could just

be judged on her hair
and what she's wearing!

Come on! Say something!

Please talk to me!

Hey, how did you know Kevin
James's pickup line?

Hey, you're Chris Rock!

It's Chris Rock!

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm looking for
Seth, that zoology kid.

My daughters heard about those puppenoalas
and they just gotta have one.

You know what kind of pet
I had when I was a kid?

A rock.

Yeah! Not a pet rock, just a
nasty old rock from the street.

And I was happy to have her.

Called her Roxie Rock.

I loved that rock.

How did you know it was a girl?

I just knew, okay.

Well, maybe we could
help each other out.

I could put in a good word for you
with Seth, then, you could help me.

Sounds great.

Now, what can I help you with?

Well, I'm trying to get
this duck to talk.

Easy. Tell me what you
want the duck to say.

I'll say it to the duck and then
he'll repeat it back to you.

You really think that will work?

That's how we get Rob Schneider
to do all his lines.

You can do it!

Mr. Grundy, allow me
to present you with

a prototype designed
exclusively by Paisley.

Keep in mind, that this has all of
Paisley's ideas and none of mine.

I had nothing to do with it.

All her, no me.

Her, ah-huh. Me, uh-uh.

And I would like to add...

Yes?

That's it. I would like to add.

I don't know how.

As a teenage girl with
disposable income,

I'm interested to see
how this phone works.

I hope it's good and
not a mish-mash

of foolish ideas, all from
Paisley and none from Winter.

With no further ado, I give
you the world's first...

Dumb phone!

A phone with legs?

Yes. Once again...

Paisley, da. Winter, nyet.

But wait. Is there more?

There is more. It tastes
like peanut butter.

And behold! A back scratcher.

This is the stupidest
thing I have ever seen.

I couldn't agree more.

No person on Earth would
ever want to use this phone.

I certainly would not.

But almost every person on
Earth already owns a Z-Phone.

However, you know who
doesn't have phones?

Animals!

What?

I've been wanting to expand
into the pet market for years.

We finally found our Zoo-Phone!

It has a peanut butter taste
that dogs find irresistible.

Legs to take pets for a walk...

And a hand to scratch
their bellies.

This is incredible, Paisley.

You have the mind of
a lower life form.

You think like a poodle!

- Thank you.
- Wait, not a poodle.

Poodles are very intelligent.
What's a dumber dog?

A chipmunk?

Marvelous!

I want to hire you for my
new products division.

Division?

I can't do division.
I can't even add!

Don't worry.

You'll be working hand in hand
with a remarkably intelligent...

Duck.

Mr. Grundy!

Did I mention this
phone was all my idea?

I just gave Paisley all
the credit because...

- Because...
- Because you care about young people!

That's why Den Mother is the
perfect position for you.

Sir, I have a big
problem with this.

Walk it off.

This is great! Now
I'll be around more.

What's the point of having you around
if you don't spend any time with me?

I've been reduced to getting
compliments from strangers.

Yes, it happens all the time,
but it's not the same.

Don't worry, Lexi.

I'll still be here for you.

I made your bed.

Olive! Check it out! I thought
the duck how to speak.

Every town has the
same two lakes...

The one swans go to, and the
one swans used to go to.

Chyna.

Forget it, Chris.
She's not buying it.

That's Chris...

Yeah, yeah. It's Chris Rock.
Now can we focus?

Seth said he'll be back at
eight, which only gives us...

No time!

Seth! What are you doing here?

Why are you back so early?
Why didn't you call me?

Why don't you go answer
these and many other

questions on a long walk
far away from here?

We finished our rescue
operation early.

We gave the bald eagle
a hair transplant

and he's feeling much
better about himself.

Hey, Daphne! Did you miss me?

She seems different.

Yes. She is very upset.

She heard that you left her
to be with another bird.

Ooh, that's cold.

Exactly!

She told me she was probably going
to give you the silent treatment.

Possibly forever.

She told you that?

Let me talk to her.

Uh... sorry, she's only
speaking to me right now.

What's that, Daphne?

Uh-huh. Oh, I got it, okay.

Well, Daphne said that even
though she's mad at you,

I did a great job taking
care of all the animals

and I totally deserve
a puppenoala.

Oh, yeah, and Chris
Rock deserves one too.

Wow, I'm really surprised
she said that.

Why?

Because ducks can't speak.

It's physiologically impossible.

That's what the doctor said about Rob
Schneider but we sort of proved them wrong.

But, you said you
taught Daphne to speak.

No, I said I taught
her to communicate.

She just quacks.

Once for "yes," twice for "no,"

and seventeen times for, "move it, nerd!
Your standing on my foot!"

My point is, she could
never speak English.

Well, she can now.
It's a miracle!

What's that Daphne?

She said, "hallelujah!"

What's going on, Chyna?

And Chris Rock?

Look, Seth, I'm sorry.
I messed up.

This isn't Daphne.

I don't know how to tell you
this, but because of me...

We accidentally fed
Daphne to the alligator.

Now, keep in mind, this
was all Chyna's fault.

Not mine. I had nothing
to do with it.

All her, no me.

Her, ah-huh, me, uh-uh.

Daphne!

You're alive!

How did this happen?

When Fletcher put Daphne in with the
alligator, she must've escaped.

Is that right, Daphne?

That makes perfect sense.
Fletcher can't do anything right.

He even messes up at messing up.

Isn't that right!

Seth, I'm sorry I lied to you.

Can you forgive me?

Well...

My animals seem like they were
pretty well cared for, so, sure.

And if you still want a
puppenoala, you can have one.

You should know, however, that
they feast on human flesh.

Okay, I'll pass.

But thank you for
not being angry.

And I'm sure Daphne here
forgives me too, right?

Ooh, ooh. Let me ask
this duck a question.

Am I funnier than Adam Sandier?

Wow.

Not only is this duck smart...

It's got good taste.

Guess what?

I told Chris Rock what a big fan I was and
that I was interested in doing stand-up.

You? Do stand-up?

You can barely stand up.

Anyway, he said I should give it a
shot, so I put together an act.

Check it out!

My husband always complains
he's hen-pecked.

Well, if he doesn't want to be hen-pecked,
he shouldn't have married a chicken.

Ha-ha!

La, la, la...

La, la.

I can't believe I paid a ten
dollar cover charge for this.