A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - The ReplacemANT - full transcript

Hey, students.
Beautiful day, huh?

Everybody psyched about
the field trip next week?

The Presidio!

Interesting factoid.

The Presidio was
fortified in 1776

when the Spanish made it the
military center of their expansion.

Dude, don't try to make our
field trip all educational.

Now I'm going to collect
your permission slips.

I think I left my
permission slip at home.

I remember it was in my hand

when I went to get some
orange juice this morning.



Well, at least I know
it's in the fridge.

Hey, It's Mr. McMillan.
No biggie.

Uh, sorry, Mr. McMillan,

but I forgot my permission slip.

You forgot it?

You forgot it?

I guess what I do
here isn't important!

"No biggie, Mr. McMillan."

That's what you kids always say.

Well, guess what!
It is a biggie!

Actually, it's bigger
than a biggie.

It's a hugie!

I can bring it in tomorrow.

Oh, sure, tomorrow.



That's what my
girlfriend said, too.

"I'll be back tomorrow...

"To pack up my things!"

Last I hear, she's
married to some clown.

And I mean an actual clown!

Just because he has a car!

For what it's worth, I'm sure
it's one of those tiny cars.

Okay. Why don't I go get
my permission slip?

Maybe that will make
you feel better.

Here's what will
make me feel better.

Never seeing any of
you irresponsible,

ungrateful little
twerps ever again!

Wait, no! Don't jump!

Ow!

Who puts rose bushes
outside a window?

So...

Who wants some juice?

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing

♪ Something different
we all bring

♪ Don't you let 'em
clip your wings

♪ You got it You got it

♪ We're on fire and we blaze

♪ In extraordinary ways

♪ 365 days

♪ We got it We got it

♪ You can dream it

♪ You can be it

♪ If you can feel it

♪ You can believe it

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Hey, Dad.

I have to write a
thousand word paper

about a neighborhood hero.

Well, I am a highly
decorated police officer.

Of course!

Why didn't I think of that?

Do you know touch with Batman?

Because he's not
responding to this.

Cameron, that's ridiculous.

Batman lives not San Francisco.

If you need a hero,
what about me?

What's heroic about you?

Are you kidding me?

What do you think I do all day?

Yell at us.

Complain about how
much stuff costs.

Scratch your...

Self.

Hey, I'm out there crime
every day.ighting.

Come with me on a
few ride-alongs.

You'll get your thousand words.

Okay, but I'll probably
slip from school.

No problem. Just use this one.

Way to go, Chyna.

You got rid of our
coolest teacher.

Look, guys, all I did was
forget my permission slip.

I mean, no reasonable person
would ever blame me for this.

Chyna, this is all your fault!

You have crushed the spirits
of one of my teachers.

That's my job!

I don't know where I'm going
to find a substitute.

Please don't get Mr. Gregory.

He dyes his nose hair
to look younger.

I wish I could hire that loser,

but it would be awkward,
given our romantic past.

Look, it can't be that hard
to find another teacher.

I mean, Olive's 11

and she knows everything there
is to know about history.

Good idea.

Olive will be the new
history teacher.

What?

Principal Skidmore, I
wasn't suggesting...

No, it's perfect! The little
brainiac will save me money.

Plus I can skip all those
state-mandated background checks.

You haven't committed any
violent crimes, have you?

No.

Not yet.

I can't do this! I
can't teach here!

I don't even want to
be a student here!

You can, and you will.

And don't worry. You'll
have my full support.

If you have any problems at
all, just call my panic line.

This says "Hair
Removal Club Card."

Oh, you're only two stamps
away from a free back waxing!

Give me that.

Calm down, Olive. You're
going to hyperventilate.

Too late!

Fletcher, give me your shoe!
Stat!

Ew! Don't ever do that again.

You could have
slipped into a coma.

Well, next time, let me!

Olive, I'm sure it's
only for a few days.

You always say history is fun.

Well, not Euclidean
geometry fun,

but a close second.

So make it fun!

I guess I could try that.

Just don't ever make me smell
Fletcher's shoe again.

Come on, my shoes
don't smell that bad.

Don't worry. I'll revive him.

Whoa!

Interesting.

That crow is never gonna be
able to pick up that shoe.

Dad, this is boring.

We're staking out a bird.

Cameron, police work is 99%
waiting, 1% pure adrenaline.

It would have been so cool if
something happened just then.

Nothing ever happens.

We've been...

Attention, all units.

We have a 139, repeat,
we have a 139

at the corner of
State and Van Ness.

Unit 51 responding.
We're on our way.

A 139? Cool! What's that?

Breaking and entering?
A shoot out?

Better!

Pedro's is having a lunch
special, burritos for $1.39!

Buckle up. This is
what we train for.

Hello, students.

You are getting a new
history teacher.

I expect that you treat
her with the same respect

you gave the last teacher.

Minus the causing him
to jump out a window.

And don't worry. You're going
to love our new teacher.

She's awesome!

I thought it was
going to be Olive.

Trust me, this new
teacher totally rules.

Good day, my royal subjects.

Good luck.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what you told me.
Making history fun.

Class, do you know who I am?

Wow, Olive. Your outfits
are usually out of date,

but never this much.

I am Queen Elizabeth I.

I ruled England
from 1558 to 1603.

Good times.

Olive?

I know this may be fun for you,

but everyone else?

Yeah, not so much.

Well, not yet. We haven't
gotten to the good part.

We'll be reenacting the signing
of the Treaty of Commerce.

You'll be William Harborne, the first
ambassador to the Ottoman Empire.

Here's your mustache.

Olive, I'm not going
to wear this.

What did you stick this on with?

Mega Glue! From Glueco!

"A space-age polymer creating a
permanent bond to any surface!

"Warning. Do not
apply to human..."

You know, I really
don't remember.

I'll get you for this.

I don't know how, yet, but I can
twirl this while I think about it.

Trust me, no British Queen was
more beloved and respected than I!

Help! Help!

You have reached Principal
Skidmore's panic line.

We are currently closed.

What?

To leave a message for one of our
emergency responders, press one.

That mailbox is currently full.

Goodbye.

Spitballs!

I mean, how cliche is that?

Classics never go away.
It's old-school.

I've been hit! Friendly fire!

Great idea, Chyna. "Be fun."

Okay, new plan.

If you're going to be a teacher,
you need to take charge.

Be a leader.

Command respect.

Oh, I get it.

So, you're saying instead of
dressing up as Elizabeth I,

I should dress up as Edward II,

the brutal and somewhat
catty 14th century monarch?

No, I'm pretty much saying
no costumes at all.

You gotta be tough.

The things we women
do to look good.

So, have you finished
your paper yet?

Finished it?

You've given me nothing.

All I've done so far
is watch you eat.

The only arrest I have a chance
of seeing is cardiac arrest.

Maybe not.

See that guy over there?

He's a suspicious character.

I feel it in my gut.

What you feel in your gut
is your ninth burrito.

I'm telling you, I don't
trust that guy over there

hanging out by the
ice cream parlor.

Don't touch my burrito.

Ow, watch my sprinkles!

Keep your mouth shut and put
your hands behind your cone.

Dad, he's not a
suspicious character.

He's a delicious character.

Yeah, I was just
passing out coupons.

What kind of coupons?

Buy one, get one free.

I'm going to have to confiscate
those coupons as evidence.

Attention, all units,
I got a 2-4-1.

I repeat, a 2-4-1.

Take your seats!

We got a lot of ground to cover!

Let's go, let's go. This isn't
the march to Macedonia, people.

Which, for you ignoramuses,
was a very slow march.

You think this is funny?

You know what funny starts with?

"F"!

I knew that one. You just
didn't give me time to answer.

Sorry I'm late. I was at the...
Library.

That is unacceptable.

You just earned
yourself detention.

But after school I have
a hair appointment.

Also at the library.

No talking!

Wow, you're really
taking control.

Good job.

I said no talking!

But Olive, I was just...

Nobody cares about
what you were doing.

And my name is Miss
Doyle, young lady.

"Young lady"?

I'm four months older than you.

That does it. You
have detention, too!

No. Forget it! I didn't
even do anything wrong.

Miss Parks, you do not
want to push me, or...

Or what?

Thank you for coming in to discuss
your daughter's behavioral issues.

I'm ashamed of you, Chyna.

And pulling me away from work?

I had a 2-4-1 in progress!

♪ It's 4:00

♪ I'm still stuck at school

♪ Olive done me wrong

♪ Man, that girl is cruel

♪ I gave myself some
dry-erase tattoos

♪ 'Cause I've got the
meanest, baddest

♪ Low-down, detention blues ♪

We've been here a
whole five minutes.

I think. Is it day? Is it night?

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
I just sang it in my song.

Did I hear music?

I said no jailhouse ditties!

Olive...

Ms. Doyle.

Are you really going to make
us sit here all afternoon

and do nothing?

Of course not.

You're going to scrape the
gum from under the desks.

Oh, please. Nobody
sticks gum under...

Ew, one of these
has a tooth in it!

Deal with it.

If you guys are going to
act like wild animals,

you're going to be locked up
in a cage like wild animals.

If we're wild animals,

shouldn't we be out in the wild?

Okay, you'll be locked up
in a cage like zoo animals.

Actually, most modern
zoos have abandoned cages

in favor of open-air habitats.

Fine, you'll be locked up in a cage like
animals in a really bad regional circus.

Speaking of which, I
went the other night

and it is a bad circus.

I mean, the dancing bear
couldn't even do an arabesque.

It's not that hard. All you have to
do is put your leg up like this.

I know!

No circus dancing in detention!

Olive is completely
out of control.

I know, right?

She has to be stopped.

Wow, for the first time ever,

you and I actually have
something in common.

We do. Yeah.

Ugh, this day just
keeps getting worse!

Look, we need to
figure out a way

to put an end to Olive's
teaching career.

I've got it!

We'll replace her conditioner
with an off-brand version.

Her hair will be so
flat and lifeless,

she'll never want to
come to school again.

Okay, let's put that
in our back pocket

and keep thinking. Okay?

I don't get it.

How do you call Batman
during the day?

Ooh, you got ice cream!

You're eating both?

What about me?

You saw the coupon.
It's two for one.

Okay, I'm out of here.

I'm doing my paper on Mom.

At least she feeds me.

I am so, so sorry.

Here, sir, you dropped your bag
of loose diamonds and watches.

Enjoy your ski trip!

Cameron, this guy is
obviously a burglar!

Ice cream cone!

I knew this guy was
up to no good.

Dispatch, this is Unit 51.

I caught a bad guy!

Wow. My dad is a hero!

"Wow. My dad is a hero."

That's only six words.
I need a thousand!

A picture's worth
a thousand words.

Good idea, Dad.

Okay.

Say, "Nothing without
your lawyer."

Nothing without your lawyer.

Can you text me that picture?

Fletcher, don't go in there!

The classroom is
rigged to make sure

Olive will never want
to be a teacher again.

What did you do?

Olive said we were
caged animals,

so we're going to turn
her into a caged animal.

I put glue in the lock so she
won't be able to get out.

That's not the prank.

She said we were wild animals,

so we're going to show her what
a real wild animal is like.

Miss Doyle is running
late, so I'm filling in.

Take your seats.

Quit your grumbling.
We've got work to do.

Oh, Momma...

Huh.

It didn't do that
trick in the circus.

You put a bear in the classroom?

You put glue in the locks!

You know, maybe, in the future,

we should coordinate our pranks.

I can't believe Principal
Skidmore fought with a bear

and walked away with
only a few scratches.

Yeah, but I hear that bear

is going to be in physical
therapy for six months.

Great. So now we're
stuck with Miss Doyle?

Not necessarily.

I think I have a new way
to get rid of Miss Doyle.

All right, everybody, eyes
forward, mouths shut!

Tomorrow is our field trip,

so I'm going to need all the
outstanding permission slips.

Uh, Miss Doyle, I
forgot mine again.

You forgot it?

You forgot it?

As if my job isn't
hard enough already.

The system is broken!

Classes are overcrowded,
there's no resources,

and the coffee in the teachers'
lounge is undrinkable.

Not because it tastes bad, but because
my mommy won't let me have any.

Well, then why don't
you just quit?

I want my friend Olive back.

Who's with me? Who
wants Olive back?

Okay, let me rephrase.

Who never wants to see
Miss Doyle ever again?

See, Olive? They love you.

They do love me, don't they?

Okay, I quit.

So, you want to do something
after school today?

After school?

Sorry, I have somewhere
I have to be.

♪ Another day stuck
starin' at the clock ♪

♪ I never should have put
that glue in the lock ♪

♪ The bear for the principal ♪

♪ And that bear did lose ♪

♪ Now I got the minute bad ♪

♪ It's got our detention blue... ♪