A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 11 - PhilANThropy - full transcript

I can't believe the heating and
cooling system is broken again.

The air-conditioning is so
cold my buns are freezing.

Two hours of baking for nothing.

It's ridiculous. Every part of the
school has a different climate.

The cafeteria's humid,
the gym is windy.

I know. Yesterday in biology, it was
so foggy I dissected my own hand.

Oh! See? It's boiling in here.

Hey, guys! I'd invite you in, but
there's no lifeguard on duty.

Fletcher, you left
the door open!

So what?

So? When a cold front and a
warm front meet, it creates...



It creates what? Don't
leave me hanging.

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

♪ Ooh, ooh Doo, doo

Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing

♪ Something different
we all bring

♪ Don't you let 'em
clip your wings

♪ You got it You got it

♪ We're on fire and we blaze

♪ In extraordinary ways

♪ 365 days

♪ We got it We got it

♪ You can dream it

♪ You can be it



♪ If you can feel it

♪ You can believe it

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are

♪ Exceptional Exceptional

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

Whoa! The hallway's
covered in snow!

We should make a snow angel!

Huh?

But then a snowman
would have to die.

Come on, we have to ask Principal
Skidmore to do something about this.

Are you crazy? She'll
bite our heads off.

No, she won't. She's
a reasonable person.

Let's go, you lazy wolf!
Put your back into it!

See? This is the best mood
I've seen her in in weeks.

Good, then you go talk to her.

Whoa! Hey, no shoving!
The floors are icy!

Excuse me, Principal Skidmore?

What?

I was just wondering if
you could maybe, possibly

please do something about the
heating and cooling system?

Sorry, we don't have the
money in the budget.

One of you crybabies complained
about not having doors

on the bathroom stalls.

Well, then you need to cut
something else from the budget.

Back me up here, Wacky.

Wacky?

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

It's okay.

Hey, Lexi, what's the matter?

I won a beauty pageant.

Are those tears of joy?

No, they're tears of Lexi.

Joy wasn't in the pageant.

Oh, no! My eyes are
getting puffy!

Paisley, go get
me some cucumber!

If you won, why are you upset?

The problem is how I won...

Tell you about someone
I recently helped.

Does myself count?

No.

Well, I do volunteer
work with an old person.

Really old. Even older than you.

Because nothing is more
satisfying than bringing joy

to someone's wrinkled,
little, apple-doll face.

I love old people
and I love America!

My answer won me the crown,

but now the pageant judge Mrs.
Busby wants to do a profile on me

and the old person
I take care of.

So... So I don't take
care of an old person!

I don't like old people!

Look, Lexi, the best
way to handle a lie

is to just heap another
lie on top of it.

It's like covering
bad meat with gravy.

See? No telling what this is.

So, I just need an old
person to back up my story.

Well, that's not a bad idea.

I've got the cucumber
for your eyes.

Ow!

Huh.

It finally stopped raining
here in the Ant Farm.

Whoa, double rainbow!

So intense!

What does it mean?

It means Principal Skidmore finally
fixed the heating and cooling system.

No need to thank me.

I wonder what she cut
from the budget.

Skidmore fired me!

What? What?

Like I said, there's
no need to thank me.

What happened?

Skidmore said she needed to cut
unnecessary fat out of the budget.

It was either me or that
weird crossing guard

who always yells, "Car!
Run for your lives!"

Look, don't worry, Gibson.

I have no idea who's responsible for this.
No idea at all.

But we'll fix it anyway.

That's incredible!

Don't cry. It's the least we could do
after everything you've done for us.

It's not that.

This double rainbow
is so intense!

What does it mean?

Way to go, Chyna.

Gibson was the only one in the
school who cared about us Ants.

Believe me, I feel terrible.

I mean, imagine what this place
would be like without Gibson.

Wow, I do not want to live
in a world like that.

If the school can't afford
to pay for Gibson's salary,

we'll have to raise
the money ourselves.

Yeah. Okay, we just
need something simple.

You know, your basic, dependable
fund-raiser that always works.

Come on. Someone toss
something out there.

No idea's a bad idea.

How about a bake sale?
Come on, Fletcher!

A bake sale! What
is wrong with you?

Well, how about a webathon?

That's a great idea!

With your music, his art

and my criminally
high cheekbones,

we'll raise the
money in no time.

Yeah, we can do it
in the cafeteria.

Cafeteria? Seriously, Fletcher!
Think!

So, have you found an old person
to back up your story yet?

Yup, a really old person.

There she is.

Hi, Miss Skidmore. How
are you doing today?

Not good.

Sorry I asked.

Here's a blanket.

What is this for?

Well, I don't want
you to get a chill.

Now do you need me to go to the store and
get you some cat food and a shower chair?

Lexi, what are you doing?

Taking care of an old person.

I want to make your last two or three
years as comfortable as possible.

I am not old! Get away from me!

But if you're going to the
store, I do need some cat food.

Oh! And a shower chair.

Great. What am I
going to do now?

If I find you an old
person to take care of,

will you do something for me?

Like what?

I want the phone numbers of all the
losing contestants from your pageant.

Not quite pretty enough
with low self esteem?

My kind of girl.

Welcome to the Save
Gibson webathon!

With special guest stars Olive
Doyle, Fletcher Quimby,

Wacky the Wolf,

and me, your host, Chyna Parks.

Behind us, we have
an array of strange,

cell phone-like objects.

They are called "landlines."

Simply call the
number on your screen

and donate money to help
this poor, loveable man-boy.

Any pledge helps.
We'll even take food.

Because somebody forgot
to bring snacks.

That was you. Why are you
calling yourself "somebody?"

I don't like to point fingers.

To kick off this web-a-thon,

I'm going to play Gibson's
favorite song, "Old MacDon"

on his favorite instrument,
the water glasses.

Great. You guys just
drank "E-I-E-I-O."

And now, acclaimed
mentalist, Olive Doyle,

will regale us with some
Gibson quotes she remembers.

Which is everything I've ever heard
him say since the day we met.

Olive, I don't know if
you want to do every...

"Welcome to the Ant Farm.

"I'm Gibson. What's your name?

"Olive! Aah! Stay away!
I'm allergic to olives."

Hey there, dollface.

Nice gams.

Ew! Get away from me, you creep!

Lexi, it's me, Cameron!

I know!

Don't you get it? I'm going
to be your old person.

Oh. Not bad!

You think anyone will buy it?

Lexi, you found an old person!

Paisley, it's me, Cameron.

Amazing!

It's you as an old person. And you've
traveled here from the future.

Paisley, that's...

Absolutely true.

I came to warn you.
In the future,

Earth will be invaded and mankind
enslaved by an alien race of...

Sour nummy bears!

Are they upset because we've
been eating their children?

Yes.

The only way to save mankind is
for you to go to prom with me.

Oh, well. The humans
had a good run.

"Olive, whose llama is this?

"Oh, yeah, it's mine.

"Ow.

"Bad llama!"

Does this llama
bite look infected?

Anyway, I'm just here
to pack up my things.

Hey! What are you guys doing?

Well, we're trying to raise
money with a webathon.

That is so sweet. A webathon!

How many spiders have
you found homes for?

No, we're trying
to save your job.

But the only person who
called was Fletcher's mom.

Hey, you've got to turn
that frown upside down.

Like so.

See? Now it's a smile!

I wish there were an easier way
to turn your frown upside down.

Hello?

Whatever that poor man has, I want
to give money to find a cure.

What?

Oh... Yes, it is tragic.

But, together, we can conquer...

Gibson fever!

Won't you please
call in and help?

So, Mrs. Busby, this is where

I spend most of my
afternoons and weekends,

taking care of dear, old Mr.
Parks.

Well, you know
what I always say.

The true beauty queen

is as beautiful on the inside

as she is on the outside.

That's why I had a spleen job.

Mr. Parks, I'm here!

Hello, Lexi, my little angel.

And who's this lovely, young
whippersnapper you've brought with you?

Oh, you.

This is Mrs. Busby. Mmm.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Parks.

Have you always lived
in San Francisco?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

I lived here before they finished
building the Golden Gate Bridge in 1937.

I can still hear the sounds of all
1.2 million rivets being put in.

Wow, you can remember that?

Like I read it in a
book this afternoon!

Back then I had to
swim across the bay

just to buy my penny candy.

Really?

I thought they had a ferry
to take people across.

Oh! That's just a myth.

How could a fairy, a
tiny wing-ed creature,

carry a man across the bay?

Good point!

Ooh, well, now, who
is this young man?

Uh... That's my
grandson, Cameron.

Oh, really?

Well, I thought
Lexi said that she

helped you because you
didn't have any family.

Cameron doesn't hp
because he lives...

In his own world!

Don't expect any
of my inheritance,

you good-for-nothing
rapscallion!

Oh, so, he's here?

Well, maybe I can
set him straight.

I'm very good with teens.

I have three of my own.

This would be the
time when you say,

"Why you're way too young
to have teenagers!"

Say it!

Uh...

But you're way too young
to have teenagers.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Parks.

Okay, well, go get
what's-his-name.

Cameron.

You heard her, Mr. Parks.

Why don't you go
get your grandson?

But... Get him!

Right. Right.

Oh!

See how I'm helping?

I got it.

A lot of people don't
know about Gibson Fever,

so to shed some light on
this tragic affliction,

we have invited world renowned expert Dr.
Ima Fraud.

It's pronounced "Ima Fraud."

If you take a look
at this X-ray,

you will find that this
is in fact not hair,

but the brain being
rejected by the body!

So sad!

So, won't you please
open up your hearts

and pocket books to help this
poor, misshapen monster?

Why aren't more people calling?

We're never going to save
Gibson's job at this rate.

Maybe they aren't worried
about Gibson Fever.

Because it's a fake disease?

No, because it only
affects one person.

Unless it's contagious.

Chyna, this idea is crazy.

Hey! What do you want from me?

I'm suffering from Gibson Fever.

Licorice?

I don't know if anybody's
going to believe this,

but maybe they'll find it
funny and donate anyway.

'Cause, I mean, you
guys look ridiculous.

Mr. Parks, have you
found Cameron yet?

I'm working on it.

Now, Cameron, you get down there

and talk to that
beautiful young lady.

Aw, thank you.

You wanted to see me?

You have a little something...

Something wrong?

I'm just upset about how things
are between me and Grandpa.

Oh, well, In that case,

I think we should get
your grandpa down here

so that you can work
things out face to face.

Uh... I guess I'll go
see if I can find him.

I think I just did.

Young man, you are, as my
teenage boys would say,

a butt-head.

Oh, hi, Grandpa!

I can explain.

No need. I know exactly
what's going on here.

You lied!

So, I'm going to strip
you of your crown.

Oh, Mommy missed you so much!

Ooh!

And for a pledge of $80,

you will receive this CD
of Gibson's Greatest hits.

It includes such classics as.

"Welcome to the Ant Farm!"

And "Does This Llama
Bite Look Infected?"

I'm back. I left some
important bills in my desk.

This one's from a
northern pintail duck.

Hey, why does everyone
look so handsome?

Guys, we have a caller who
wants to make a huge donation!

Ooh!

You're on the air.

I think I've come down with
a case of Gibson Fever.

You have?

Gibson Fever?

Yes. I'm sure of it.

Suddenly, I have a striped
shirt, curly hair,

and the inability to understand
that I have been fired.

I think I might have that!

So, how much are you donating?

Nothing. This webathon
is a complete sham.

You can't tell people the
money's for one thing

and then use it for
something else.

Didn't you use PTA
money for an eye lift?

I had crow's feet!

You collect crow's feet, too?

This one's from an
eastern hooded crow.

Kids, return the money. Gibson,
gather your things and go.

Wow.

I can't imagine not being
here at the Ant Farm.

See? I can't imagine it.

Well, thanks for trying, guys.

I'll miss you.

Wait.

If that Gibson's leaving,

then this Gibson's leaving, too.

What?

If he's fired, then I'm quitting the A.
N.T. Program.

So is this Gibson.

So is this Gibson.

Oh... So is that Gibson.

Ok, Ok...

I'll find the money somehow.

Gibson, you can stay.

Yeah!

You guys are the best!

Hey! Let's all jump and freeze in
the air like they do in a movie.

What?

No no no. Please don't call.

There's nothing we
can do to help him.

Wow. He actually did it.