ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 2, Episode 6 - Little Red Riding Hood - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Little Red Riding Hood.
[ orchestral music plays ]
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
"Grandma, what big ears
you have."
"B-b-better to hear
you with, my dear."
"And what big elbows
you have."
"The better to nudge
you with, my dear."
And, Grandma, what big
thighs you have.
Uh-oh. Better get out
my workout tape.
As you might have guessed,
today's ALF Tale
is the classic epic
"Moby Dick."
[ laughs ]
Just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.
Actually, today's ALF Tale
is really the symbolic
and whimsical
"Little Red Riding Hood."
It has laughter.
It has pathos.
And for the media
connoisseurs,
it even has
special effects.
- [ zaps ]
- [ yells ]
So grab your granny,
basket of goodies,
and your local huntsman
and enjoy,
because we went way
over budget on this one.
[ all murmuring ]
Hello.
Little Red Riding Hood
Delivery Service.
We'll deliver your package.
Have no fear.
And if you don't believe me,
stick it in your ear.
Whoa!
There and back in three minutes
and 22 seconds--
a Little Red
Riding Hood record.
But, Red, you forgot
to deliver the package.
What do you want,
perfection?
D-d-do you
deliver packages?
No, we deliver
packages.
Thank goodness.
There's an
old lady scientist
working on a secret project
for the government.
Her code name
is Grandma.
Aren't secret agents
supposed to have numbers?
I don't know, but if she doesn't
get this package immediately,
it could mean the end
of the world as we know it.
No cable television?
No Janitor In A Drum?
No insider trading?
That is serious.
Well, we can do it,
but it won't be cheap.
[ coughs ]
It's a deal.
One more thing:
before you give her
the package,
she's got to give you
the secret code.
A secret code.
What an original
plot twist.
First you say,
"Grandma, what
big eyes you have."
Then she's got to answer--
"The better to see you
with, my dear."
Lucky guess.
Then say,
"And, Grandma,
what big ears you have."
Then she'll answer--
"The better to hear
you with, my dear."
Hmm.
I think I detect
a pattern emerging.
Then say,
"Grandma, what big
teeth you have."
- And then she'll say--
- "The better to eat you
with, my dear."
Wrong!
What do you think she is,
a wolf or something?
I thought
I was on a roll.
She'll say,
"That's because I put in
my sister's false teeth."
Remember,
the world as we know it!
Hey, it's just a package.
Don't drop dead over it.
[ cries out ]
[ screams ]
He's dead!
No, he's not.
Here at "ALF Tales,"
we're proud
of our long record
of non violent entertainment.
- [ knife pops ]
- See? It's a trick knife.
Hey, it's a trick
cartoon knife.
Okay, Rick,
you can get up now.
H-h-hi, everybody.
How'd I do, Gordon?
Great, Rick.
You're one heck of a corpse.
And now back to
"Little Red Riding Hood."
Ahhh!
He's dead!
Well, gotta run.
Got tickets for
the play-offs.
Red, I am sick and tired
of your screwing up.
Get this package to Grandma
or you're through.
I'll make it easy on you.
I'm through.
You could always go back
to your old job.
What, and trade in
this nifty red Windbreaker
for the drab green smock
of a brain surgeon?
No way.
One more thing.
Beware of the...
w-aaah.
Beware the "waah"?
Did he say beware
of the "waah"?
No problem. I'll watch out
for the waah.
Vroom. Vroom!
It's a beautiful day
in this neighborhood.
And then you take
the liver--
New from MelMo,
the Cat-O-Matic--
...a beautiful day
in this neighborhood.
When this idiot tells me
where Grandma is,
I'll steal
her invention
and the world
will be mine!
By the way,
my dear,
did I tell you how lovely
you look in mink?
Oh, you are a mink.
[ siren blares ]
[ cries out ]
Whoa!
Ooh!
[ Southern accent ]
Where's the fire?
Uh, Grandma's house--
Geritol Village,
condo 109, unit 3A,
apartment 206.
I probably shouldn't have
told him that, but, hey,
if I kept it a secret,
there'd be no Act II.
That'll be 85 bucks.
How about
a sizeable bribe?
That's the idea.
I'll also
be needing this.
Now, relax.
Stop and smell
the roses.
[ tires screech ]
Ha! Some speed trap.
Fooled him!
Grandma:
A little twist here,
a little twist there,
Whiskers, we're ready to test
my greatest invention ever--
a miniaturization
machine!
Yeah, right.
Like an old lady
could really invent
a miniaturization machine.
Who are you
calling old, fleabag?
[ chuckles ]
Uh, I take that back.
You're not getting older;
you're getting better.
Now make me big again.
No can do, not until
the messenger gets here
- with the enlargement part.
- [ doorbell dings ]
Wolf:
♪ Little Red Riding Hood.
How can I be sure?
Let's see some ID.
Okay, Granny,
hand over the machine.
Not by the hair
on your chinny-chin-chin.
Sorry.
Wrong story.
Hyah!
[ martial arts yells ]
Uh-oh.
I hope he doesn't have
morning mouth.
Oh, you're back.
Let me show you
what I've been up to
during intermission.
Following that nice
officer's instructions,
I stopped
to smell the roses...
until I discovered
I was allergic to roses.
Then I stopped to smell
the hoses.
Finally, I stopped
to smell the toeses.
But she was
allergic to me.
- [ beeps ]
- That's my beeper.
The office must be
looking for me.
- Hi, what's up?
- Red, where are you?
[ pants ]
Um, I'm at the corner
of Collins Avenue and 20th
just a couple of blocks
from Grandma's.
If you don't make that
delivery in 10 minutes,
the boss says
you're fired.
You got it!
By the way,
I'm kind of thirsty.
Mind if I reach into
your half of the screen
for some cream soda?
Whoa!
Oof!
Thanks, Joe.
Great stunt.
[ playing classical music ]
What ho!
A little culture
for the kiddies.
- [ doorbell dings ]
- Who is--
[ falsetto ]
Who is it?
Little Red
Riding Hood Express.
We have a package
for you.
Come in!
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
our unique
interpretation
of that classic scene
from this timeless tale.
[ thinking ]
This is one funky-
looking grandma.
But I make it a policy
never to judge people
by their appearances.
Now, before you can sign
for this package,
I just have to ask
you a few questions.
Shoot.
Ahem.
Grandma, why is this
night different from
all other nights?
Huh?
Sorry, sorry.
Now I remember.
Grandma,
what big eyes you have.
The better to see you
with, my dear.
And, Grandma,
what big ears you have.
The better to
hear you with, my dear.
So far, so good.
And, Grandma,
what big teeth you have.
The better to eat
you with, my dear.
Right after
I miniaturize you.
Hmm.
Not quite the answer
I was looking for.
Maybe this is
what the guy meant
by "beware of the w-aah."
Sorry, Granny,
no delivery.
Now, what's this
miniaturization business?
Grandma, what really
big teeth you have.
Hey, don't you know that
two out of three dentists
recommend brushing
and flossing after every meal?
Me and my big mouth.
I bet that wolf
swallowed Granny too.
Organ, please.
Have you seen an old lady
drenched in saliva
and about, oh,
two inches tall?
Top floor. Optic nerve,
ear canal and the brain.
Just think-- entertainment
and a biology lesson.
Who says cartoons
aren't educational?
Sorry.
We got the hiccups.
[ Wolf's voice thinking ]
At least he's got
his priorities in order.
Wait.
Allow me.
Fourth floor.
North stomach,
pancreas,
Isles of Langerhans.
Red:
North stomach,
Isles of Langerhans.
Whoa!
Gastric babes!
Where's my 35 SPF lotion?
Hmm.
The sun must have
been behind a cloud.
[ gulps ]
Cowabunga!
A tidal wave!
Whoa!
Flu bug?
What swine!
Where am I?
You're in the stomach.
This is where
the red blood cells
pick up food
for the rest of the body.
Enough with
the educational spiel.
- What's on the menu?
- Funny you should ask.
You don't want to eat me.
I'm the most tasteless
guy I know.
You must be Grandma.
You must be
Little Red Riding Hood.
[ French accent ]
And you two
are the soup
of the day.
Boys.
[ Red yells ]
Anyone got
some antacid pills?
Hope you're serving salad.
If I'm gonna be eaten,
I'd like to at least be part
of a balanced meal.
Hey, sonny,
forget the cooking tips.
We got to get
out of here.
It's time for the old
last-request trick.
Overused, but, hey,
what else do you do
when you're about to be
slimed by stomach acids?
Hey, Chef,
those red blood cells
looked a little anemic.
How about a few jokes
to liven things up?
I suppose
that could be arranged.
Pickup for Spleen.
Before we get
to our main course-- me,
how about a few
lunchtime laughs?
So, anybody here
going to the lungs?
One thing about those lungs--
they're full of hot air.
[ grumbling ]
[ stomach grumbling ]
Hmm, my stomach's
grumbling.
And how about those cells
in the bladder?
Don't they
have a lot of gall?
[ grumbling, muttering ]
[ booing, jeering ]
Hey, watch it!
I guess someone I ate
didn't agree with me.
That's what you get
for eating ethnic.
Ouch!
Hello, Operator?
Please send a doctor
to Geritol Village,
condo 109, unit 3A,
apartment 206.
[ groans ]
Food fight!
What's going on?
The Wolf's gonna belch!
Come on, Granny,
let's beat it before
this baby blows!
Run for your lives!
[ belches ]
Next time I will beware
of the waah.
Whoa!
Oof!
Feeling better now?
[ falsetto ]
A little.
Well, let's take a peek inside
just to make sure.
Now stick out that tongue
and say "ah."
Ah!
Well, here's your package.
Sign here.
[ grunts ]
I'll take your word
for it.
Everything
looks fine to me.
Say, you're kinda cute.
And I'm
a lonely widower.
Are you seeing anyone?
Not at the moment.
We've got to
install this part
in my miniaturization
machine
or we'll be
lima bean-sized forever.
Help me get this box
to the workbench.
[ grunts ]
Ah, ah, ah.
No getting out of bed
without Dr. Huntsman's
permission.
Couldn't you have made
all our lives easier
and invented
a garlic press?
You know, I've always
believed in large families.
How old are you, anyway?
It is a small world
after all.
Move it, sonny,
and watch out for
that dust bunny.
You know what would help?
A nice cup of tea.
Ow!
They weren't
kidding when they said
special effects.
Oof!
What's this?
Now you just relax,
sweetheart.
[ growls, normal voice ]
I'm out of here!
Although Mother always
wanted me to marry a doctor.
[ Grandmother grunts ]
Fee fi fo fum,
I see Grandma
and that delivery bum.
Hey, we did "Jack and the
Beanstalk" last season.
I'll never squish
a bug again.
I thought I told you
to stay in bed.
[ falsetto ]
I was just trying to kill
a couple of household pests.
Just one more turn.
- [ part clicking ]
- [ both grunt ]
Ooh, I like a woman
with spunk.
This may seem awfully sudden,
sweet cheeks,
but I'm a man who knows
what he wants...
and gets it.
[ normal voice ]
Look, Doc,
I got a confession
to make.
I'm not an old lady.
To me, age is
just a state of mind.
Wolf:
I'm not even a lady!
Huntsman:
Your past is
of no concern to me.
Don't you get it?!
I'm a wolf!
Nobody's perfect.
Go, Granny, go!
Say, you're kind of cute
and I'm a lonely rodent.
- Seeing anyone?
- [ exasperated yelling ]
I'm big, I'm bad,
and I'm back.
Rhonda:
Congratulations, Red.
You did one
heck of a job today.
Well, you know the Little Red
Riding Hood motto.
"A wolf a day
keeps the doctor away."
Please,
you've got to deliver
this package immediately
or it could mean
the end of the world
as we know it.
End of the world, huh?
- [ punch thuds ]
- Whoa-oa!
I can only save the world
once an episode.
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
"Grandma, what big ears
you have."
"B-b-better to hear
you with, my dear."
"And what big elbows
you have."
"The better to nudge
you with, my dear."
And, Grandma, what big
thighs you have.
Uh-oh. Better get out
my workout tape.
As you might have guessed,
today's ALF Tale
is the classic epic
"Moby Dick."
[ laughs ]
Just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.
Actually, today's ALF Tale
is really the symbolic
and whimsical
"Little Red Riding Hood."
It has laughter.
It has pathos.
And for the media
connoisseurs,
it even has
special effects.
- [ zaps ]
- [ yells ]
So grab your granny,
basket of goodies,
and your local huntsman
and enjoy,
because we went way
over budget on this one.
[ all murmuring ]
Hello.
Little Red Riding Hood
Delivery Service.
We'll deliver your package.
Have no fear.
And if you don't believe me,
stick it in your ear.
Whoa!
There and back in three minutes
and 22 seconds--
a Little Red
Riding Hood record.
But, Red, you forgot
to deliver the package.
What do you want,
perfection?
D-d-do you
deliver packages?
No, we deliver
packages.
Thank goodness.
There's an
old lady scientist
working on a secret project
for the government.
Her code name
is Grandma.
Aren't secret agents
supposed to have numbers?
I don't know, but if she doesn't
get this package immediately,
it could mean the end
of the world as we know it.
No cable television?
No Janitor In A Drum?
No insider trading?
That is serious.
Well, we can do it,
but it won't be cheap.
[ coughs ]
It's a deal.
One more thing:
before you give her
the package,
she's got to give you
the secret code.
A secret code.
What an original
plot twist.
First you say,
"Grandma, what
big eyes you have."
Then she's got to answer--
"The better to see you
with, my dear."
Lucky guess.
Then say,
"And, Grandma,
what big ears you have."
Then she'll answer--
"The better to hear
you with, my dear."
Hmm.
I think I detect
a pattern emerging.
Then say,
"Grandma, what big
teeth you have."
- And then she'll say--
- "The better to eat you
with, my dear."
Wrong!
What do you think she is,
a wolf or something?
I thought
I was on a roll.
She'll say,
"That's because I put in
my sister's false teeth."
Remember,
the world as we know it!
Hey, it's just a package.
Don't drop dead over it.
[ cries out ]
[ screams ]
He's dead!
No, he's not.
Here at "ALF Tales,"
we're proud
of our long record
of non violent entertainment.
- [ knife pops ]
- See? It's a trick knife.
Hey, it's a trick
cartoon knife.
Okay, Rick,
you can get up now.
H-h-hi, everybody.
How'd I do, Gordon?
Great, Rick.
You're one heck of a corpse.
And now back to
"Little Red Riding Hood."
Ahhh!
He's dead!
Well, gotta run.
Got tickets for
the play-offs.
Red, I am sick and tired
of your screwing up.
Get this package to Grandma
or you're through.
I'll make it easy on you.
I'm through.
You could always go back
to your old job.
What, and trade in
this nifty red Windbreaker
for the drab green smock
of a brain surgeon?
No way.
One more thing.
Beware of the...
w-aaah.
Beware the "waah"?
Did he say beware
of the "waah"?
No problem. I'll watch out
for the waah.
Vroom. Vroom!
It's a beautiful day
in this neighborhood.
And then you take
the liver--
New from MelMo,
the Cat-O-Matic--
...a beautiful day
in this neighborhood.
When this idiot tells me
where Grandma is,
I'll steal
her invention
and the world
will be mine!
By the way,
my dear,
did I tell you how lovely
you look in mink?
Oh, you are a mink.
[ siren blares ]
[ cries out ]
Whoa!
Ooh!
[ Southern accent ]
Where's the fire?
Uh, Grandma's house--
Geritol Village,
condo 109, unit 3A,
apartment 206.
I probably shouldn't have
told him that, but, hey,
if I kept it a secret,
there'd be no Act II.
That'll be 85 bucks.
How about
a sizeable bribe?
That's the idea.
I'll also
be needing this.
Now, relax.
Stop and smell
the roses.
[ tires screech ]
Ha! Some speed trap.
Fooled him!
Grandma:
A little twist here,
a little twist there,
Whiskers, we're ready to test
my greatest invention ever--
a miniaturization
machine!
Yeah, right.
Like an old lady
could really invent
a miniaturization machine.
Who are you
calling old, fleabag?
[ chuckles ]
Uh, I take that back.
You're not getting older;
you're getting better.
Now make me big again.
No can do, not until
the messenger gets here
- with the enlargement part.
- [ doorbell dings ]
Wolf:
♪ Little Red Riding Hood.
How can I be sure?
Let's see some ID.
Okay, Granny,
hand over the machine.
Not by the hair
on your chinny-chin-chin.
Sorry.
Wrong story.
Hyah!
[ martial arts yells ]
Uh-oh.
I hope he doesn't have
morning mouth.
Oh, you're back.
Let me show you
what I've been up to
during intermission.
Following that nice
officer's instructions,
I stopped
to smell the roses...
until I discovered
I was allergic to roses.
Then I stopped to smell
the hoses.
Finally, I stopped
to smell the toeses.
But she was
allergic to me.
- [ beeps ]
- That's my beeper.
The office must be
looking for me.
- Hi, what's up?
- Red, where are you?
[ pants ]
Um, I'm at the corner
of Collins Avenue and 20th
just a couple of blocks
from Grandma's.
If you don't make that
delivery in 10 minutes,
the boss says
you're fired.
You got it!
By the way,
I'm kind of thirsty.
Mind if I reach into
your half of the screen
for some cream soda?
Whoa!
Oof!
Thanks, Joe.
Great stunt.
[ playing classical music ]
What ho!
A little culture
for the kiddies.
- [ doorbell dings ]
- Who is--
[ falsetto ]
Who is it?
Little Red
Riding Hood Express.
We have a package
for you.
Come in!
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
our unique
interpretation
of that classic scene
from this timeless tale.
[ thinking ]
This is one funky-
looking grandma.
But I make it a policy
never to judge people
by their appearances.
Now, before you can sign
for this package,
I just have to ask
you a few questions.
Shoot.
Ahem.
Grandma, why is this
night different from
all other nights?
Huh?
Sorry, sorry.
Now I remember.
Grandma,
what big eyes you have.
The better to see you
with, my dear.
And, Grandma,
what big ears you have.
The better to
hear you with, my dear.
So far, so good.
And, Grandma,
what big teeth you have.
The better to eat
you with, my dear.
Right after
I miniaturize you.
Hmm.
Not quite the answer
I was looking for.
Maybe this is
what the guy meant
by "beware of the w-aah."
Sorry, Granny,
no delivery.
Now, what's this
miniaturization business?
Grandma, what really
big teeth you have.
Hey, don't you know that
two out of three dentists
recommend brushing
and flossing after every meal?
Me and my big mouth.
I bet that wolf
swallowed Granny too.
Organ, please.
Have you seen an old lady
drenched in saliva
and about, oh,
two inches tall?
Top floor. Optic nerve,
ear canal and the brain.
Just think-- entertainment
and a biology lesson.
Who says cartoons
aren't educational?
Sorry.
We got the hiccups.
[ Wolf's voice thinking ]
At least he's got
his priorities in order.
Wait.
Allow me.
Fourth floor.
North stomach,
pancreas,
Isles of Langerhans.
Red:
North stomach,
Isles of Langerhans.
Whoa!
Gastric babes!
Where's my 35 SPF lotion?
Hmm.
The sun must have
been behind a cloud.
[ gulps ]
Cowabunga!
A tidal wave!
Whoa!
Flu bug?
What swine!
Where am I?
You're in the stomach.
This is where
the red blood cells
pick up food
for the rest of the body.
Enough with
the educational spiel.
- What's on the menu?
- Funny you should ask.
You don't want to eat me.
I'm the most tasteless
guy I know.
You must be Grandma.
You must be
Little Red Riding Hood.
[ French accent ]
And you two
are the soup
of the day.
Boys.
[ Red yells ]
Anyone got
some antacid pills?
Hope you're serving salad.
If I'm gonna be eaten,
I'd like to at least be part
of a balanced meal.
Hey, sonny,
forget the cooking tips.
We got to get
out of here.
It's time for the old
last-request trick.
Overused, but, hey,
what else do you do
when you're about to be
slimed by stomach acids?
Hey, Chef,
those red blood cells
looked a little anemic.
How about a few jokes
to liven things up?
I suppose
that could be arranged.
Pickup for Spleen.
Before we get
to our main course-- me,
how about a few
lunchtime laughs?
So, anybody here
going to the lungs?
One thing about those lungs--
they're full of hot air.
[ grumbling ]
[ stomach grumbling ]
Hmm, my stomach's
grumbling.
And how about those cells
in the bladder?
Don't they
have a lot of gall?
[ grumbling, muttering ]
[ booing, jeering ]
Hey, watch it!
I guess someone I ate
didn't agree with me.
That's what you get
for eating ethnic.
Ouch!
Hello, Operator?
Please send a doctor
to Geritol Village,
condo 109, unit 3A,
apartment 206.
[ groans ]
Food fight!
What's going on?
The Wolf's gonna belch!
Come on, Granny,
let's beat it before
this baby blows!
Run for your lives!
[ belches ]
Next time I will beware
of the waah.
Whoa!
Oof!
Feeling better now?
[ falsetto ]
A little.
Well, let's take a peek inside
just to make sure.
Now stick out that tongue
and say "ah."
Ah!
Well, here's your package.
Sign here.
[ grunts ]
I'll take your word
for it.
Everything
looks fine to me.
Say, you're kinda cute.
And I'm
a lonely widower.
Are you seeing anyone?
Not at the moment.
We've got to
install this part
in my miniaturization
machine
or we'll be
lima bean-sized forever.
Help me get this box
to the workbench.
[ grunts ]
Ah, ah, ah.
No getting out of bed
without Dr. Huntsman's
permission.
Couldn't you have made
all our lives easier
and invented
a garlic press?
You know, I've always
believed in large families.
How old are you, anyway?
It is a small world
after all.
Move it, sonny,
and watch out for
that dust bunny.
You know what would help?
A nice cup of tea.
Ow!
They weren't
kidding when they said
special effects.
Oof!
What's this?
Now you just relax,
sweetheart.
[ growls, normal voice ]
I'm out of here!
Although Mother always
wanted me to marry a doctor.
[ Grandmother grunts ]
Fee fi fo fum,
I see Grandma
and that delivery bum.
Hey, we did "Jack and the
Beanstalk" last season.
I'll never squish
a bug again.
I thought I told you
to stay in bed.
[ falsetto ]
I was just trying to kill
a couple of household pests.
Just one more turn.
- [ part clicking ]
- [ both grunt ]
Ooh, I like a woman
with spunk.
This may seem awfully sudden,
sweet cheeks,
but I'm a man who knows
what he wants...
and gets it.
[ normal voice ]
Look, Doc,
I got a confession
to make.
I'm not an old lady.
To me, age is
just a state of mind.
Wolf:
I'm not even a lady!
Huntsman:
Your past is
of no concern to me.
Don't you get it?!
I'm a wolf!
Nobody's perfect.
Go, Granny, go!
Say, you're kind of cute
and I'm a lonely rodent.
- Seeing anyone?
- [ exasperated yelling ]
I'm big, I'm bad,
and I'm back.
Rhonda:
Congratulations, Red.
You did one
heck of a job today.
Well, you know the Little Red
Riding Hood motto.
"A wolf a day
keeps the doctor away."
Please,
you've got to deliver
this package immediately
or it could mean
the end of the world
as we know it.
End of the world, huh?
- [ punch thuds ]
- Whoa-oa!
I can only save the world
once an episode.
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!