ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 2, Episode 7 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - full transcript

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Roll tape
and action.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Stop the music.

Where are the dancers?

This is supposed to be
the gala "Snow White"

opening number.

Roger:
Hi, Gordon.

I'm sorry, but we're
gonna have to



rethink this show.

What do you mean?

We've been rehearsing
for a month.

And it's my first
directing gig.

The legal department
says we can't

do the opening
song and dance routine.

But I've already spent
most of the budget

on costumes
and choreographers.

And an obnoxious-sounding
brass section.

That's not
my problem, Gordon.

I'm sure you'll come up
with a creative alternative.

How's this?

We do "Snow White"
as a documentary.

A documentary cartoon?



Sounds creative to me.

Well, I have
a plane to catch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I present today's ALF Tale,
"Snow White,"

the world's first
documentary cartoon.

I still think
that production number

would've gotten us
a lot of publicity.

[ Gordon speaks ]

Today's mystery
takes us

to the picturesque
ski resort of Hi-Ho.

There a beautiful
young ski bunny

has been forced
into hiding

following a bizarre series
of attempted murders.

There have been
many leads,

but so far
the baffled police

have been unable
to locate the suspect.

Last week, you the viewer
helped us

apprehend that immature young
boy in green tights

who was flying over London
without a license.

And within two minutes
of our broadcast

about the reptile con artist
princess kisser,

a viewer called
with a hot tip.

Now that alleged suspect
is behind bars.

I'm Robert Stuck.

Maybe somebody
out there

will help us solve
today's fairy tale.

Maybe that somebody
is you.

Whoa!

Fire the graphics
department.

The world famous
ski resort of Hi-Ho

has long been known
as the meeting place

of the jet set,
the elite,

and the frostbitten.

In that sleepy, happy
community

of dopey,
bashful locals,

a lithe young skier
named Snow White

appeared on the scene.

In no time, Snow White had
knocked everyone's socks off

with her schussing

[ clapping ]

With a name like Snow,

it sounds like
you were born to ski.

Do you have
any other hobbies?

Just cleaning house.

I'm a compulsive
cleaner.

This is the first time
in five years

that you,
Wicked Queen,

haven't won this event.

Aren't you envious?

Me envious of that
miserable little bimbo?

Not a chance.

Everyone in Hi-Ho
remembers the events

that led up to Snow White's
tragic disappearance.

Oh, she was such
a nice girl.

And her room
was so neat.

And then one day
she didn't come home.

But she left
such a lovely note.

It said, um,
"Buy another three cases

of anti-mildew bathroom
bowl cleanser."

[ cries ]

Evidence provided
by Snow White's
ski instructor

shed some light
on her lethal game
of hide-and-seek.

Before Snow White
came to town,

the best skier
in Hi-Ho

was a fun gal
named Wicked Queen.

Every day on her way
down the mountain,

Wicked Queen would always
stop to ask me....

Stuck:
Ask you what?

de la Wall:
Well, she'd look right into

my mirrored ski goggles
and say,

"Mario, Mario
with a tan.

Who's the fairest skier
in the land?"

Oh, Queen,
fair queen,

I'll say what's true.

The fairest skier
in town is you.

But the day that
Snow White moved

to that winter
playground...

things changed.

One theory is that
Queen's envy drove her far.

Too far.

After Snow White
came to Hi-Ho,

did you have any
further conversations
with Queen?

de la Wall:
Oh, yeah.

She mighta said
something like, uh...

"Mario, Mario,
you're so cool.

Who's the skier
who makes you drool?"

And what
did you answer?

I'm not 100% sure,

but I think it was
something like...

"Tough luck, lady,
about your plight.

My vote goes
to that chick, Snow White."

Stuck:
Shortly after that day,

Snow White
disappeared.

Investigators
can only theorize

about what
happened next.

[ screams ]

Quiet or I'll
make you watch

eight and a half
hours a day

of The Shopping Channel.

[ screams ]

Who are you?

Where are you
taking me?

I can't tell you.

[ both grunt ]

"Thugs for hire."

Who hired you
to do this to me?

I can't say.

[ grunts ]

Oof!

20 questions.

- Was it a woman?
- Yes.

- A creepy woman?
- Yes.

A creepy, eerie,
scary, smelly,

yellow-toothed woman
in a red ski jacket?

Yes, yes!

Did she used to be
an award-winning ski bunny?

Yes!

[ both groan ]

Hmm, I have no idea
who it could be.

Look, we're only
a hundred meters

from the middle
of nowhere.

Is that far?

I have trouble
with the metric system.

I must leave you here.

That's not very nice.

I beg your pardon.

It isvery nice.

You see, I was hired
to cut off

your toes
and your fingers.

Oh, gross.

And then kill you!

Double gross.

But instead
I'll leave you here.

Don't tell anyone.

Bye.

Bye!

One of the more pleasant
thugs I've met.

Now how do I
get outta here?

Welcome back to
"Unsolved Fairy Tales."

Our case involves
the mysterious disappearance

of Snow White,
ski bunny extraordinaire.

Alone in the woods,

police have concluded
that Snow White

looked to the forest creatures
for support.

Thank you, my little
wilderness friends.

I must remember
to give a large donation

to Save the Squirrels.

[ grunts, gasps ]

Thank goodness.
I'm in luck.

Oh, happy day.

Can I help you?

Uh, yes.
Are my photos ready?

I'm sorry, Ms. White.

They won't be ready
'til late next week.

Oh, well...

someday my prints
will come.

[ humming ]

[ low rumbling ]

What's that?

Do I hear footsteps?

Is that another cute, cuddly
little forest creature?

[ roars ]

Help!

What'll I do now?

Hey, don't
sweat it, kid.

This is only
a reenactment, remember?

A reenactment?

Oh, what a relief.

[ roars ]

Stuck:
Authorities believe
that the bear

chased
the lovely Snow White

through the forest
to Dwarf Valley,

a popular
condo development.

As far as we know,

the bear had no
obvious motive.

But he aggressively
continued his pursuit.

[ growls ]

[ roars ]

Stuck:
Lock up your daughters,
ladies and gentlemen.

That ferocious bear
is still at large.

Just moments later,

investigators surmise
that the despondent thug

paid a visit
at Hi-Ho Novelties.

So in walks
this despondent thug.

I sold him
some fingers and toes

of the finest latex.

Nothing cheap
for this thug.

What taste.

Stuck:
Police theorized
that Snow White

took refuge
in the warm condo.

Uh, anybody home?

Think I'll make
a cup of instant,

low-calorie
hot chocolate.

Something's
coming over me.

Clean.
Clean.

I must be clean.

[ panting ]

I can't control myself.

[ whistling ]

What is
that dreadful noise?

[ whistling continues ]

If there's
anything I hate,

it's a whistle
while I work.

Stuck:
Meanwhile,
surveillance experts

uncovered that
the neighborly thug

paid a late-night visit
to an isolated palace.

[ pounding ]

Wicked Queen's voice:
Who is it?

Delivery.

I have those body parts
you ordered.

Thank you.

You can leave them
on the step.

You know, you're pretty nice
for a thug.

Stuck:
Our sources show that
the cozy condo in the woods

was rented
to seven ski bums.

G-g-go ahead,
s-s-say it.

Stuck:
Seven short ski bums.

Someone's been eating
our porridge.

Wrong story.

There's a beautiful woman
asleep in my bed.

That's more like it.

Ski bum:
Look, she's waking up.

[ sighs ]
Where am I?

At the Dwarf Valley
Condos.

I'm Sleazy,

and these are my fellow
short ski bums,

Flakey and Hokey
and Tacky.

I thought there were
supposed to be seven of you.

There are.

The rest
are out working.

I thought you
were ski bums.

We are, but
we're also workaholics.

- [ clatters ]
- And who are you?

I'm Snow White.

I think somebody's
trying to kill me.

That's, like,
a major bummer.

Would you like
to hide out here?

Oh, that would be super.

I can't pay you anything,

but I will clean
compulsively.

No problem.

Stuck:
And so Snow White
found domestic bliss

- with the seven ski bums.
- [ coughing ]

The very next morning,

the pastoral quiet
of the Hi-Ho slopes

was broken with the sound
of Mario the ski instructor

conversing with
one of his students.

Mario, Mario,
you're always right.

Tell me who is dynamite?

Queen, my skier's
intuition

says you still
have competition.

Drat.

That means Snow White's
still alive.

I knew that thug
seemed too nice.

Stuck:
Investigators discovered
that the ski bums

had purchased
a Nordic exerciser machine
for Snow White.

Presumably because
the onetime bunny

- longed for her skis.
- [ crash ]

A little roof repair
was no big deal

for the short workaholics.

Every day
they'd come home,

eat a home-cooked meal,

and chill out
by the fire.

Oh, I've never had
so much attention
in my life.

I'll have to tell
all my girlfriends

about the merits
of short men

when I go home.

If I cango home.

[ cries ]

She feared
she'd have to hide

from her heartless
pursuer forever.

Cheer up, Snow.

We'll buy you
a new DustBuster.

We're off to work now.

Remember,
whatever you do,

don't answer the door.

But Snow White was unaware
that at that very moment,

someone was gaining
intimate knowledge

of her whereabouts.

[ laughing ]

[ music playing ]

[ clicks ]

Now what did Flakey
tell me not to do?

Um, not
to clean the oven?

Not to take out
the garbage?

[ doorbell rings ]

Hmm, I can't remember.

Well, I'd better
get the door.

It's the
Fruit-Of-The-Month Club.

I didn't order any
Fruit-Of-The-Month.

[ sighs ]

I guess I'll have to
let this

nice, red, ripe apple
go to waste.

Or will you open up?

Sorry, Flakey's orders.

Well, if you want,

I'll just leave
your special gift

here on the doorstep.

And I'll even
take a bite

to prove
it's not poisoned.

I'd appreciate that.

Now which side
did I poison?

I'll also leave you
with this delicious cup

of instant, low-calorie
hot chocolate

to wash it down with.

Thank you.

Stuck:
The famished
Snow White

couldn't resist
temptation.

She ate the apple
and washed it down

with the hot chocolate.

Well, I'm not poisoned yet.

Uh-oh.

Spoke too soon.

You know, Sleazy,
I never understood

why we carry
these picks and shovels.

Yeah, I could see
if we worked in the mines,

but we're waiters.

Oh, no!

She's been poisoned!

It says here

that this
type of poison

causes deep sleep

and the only thing
that will wake her up

is a kiss.

No problem.

"A kiss from
a handsome prince."

That's a problem.

The ski bums set up
a kissing booth

at the Snow Fair.

Expert smoochers came
from far and wide

to kiss Snow.

Meanwhile,
Wicked Queen competed

in the Snow Bunny
competition.

And the winner is...

Wicked Queen.

Now, Mario, tell me.

Sorry, Queen,
to mess you up,

but I think Snow White
deserves that cup.

That's it, I'm leaving.

I'm not even
any good at murder.

As we say
in my country, ciao.

Wicked Queen:
Hope your cheap goggles
are shock-resistant.

Our sources show
that the kissing

went on for days

until the townspeople
had sore lips.

But nothing
could interrupt

Snow White's
marathon snooze.

The seven short ski bums

went on with their lives,

but things
just weren't the same.

For one thing, their condo
was a complete pigsty.

I think there's something
wrong with this milk.

What's the date say?

44 B.C.

If only we could
get Snow to wake up.

Maybe we could
find a place

a little more upbeat
for her to sleep
than a coffin.

Stuck's voice:
Wait, guys, I have an idea.

I'm tired of these theories
and reenactments.

I wanna meet this legendary
Snow White for myself.

I'm sorry.

She's all tied up
on the kissing circuit.

Well, is there any reason
that I couldn't get involved?

We're limiting our kissers
to the skiing community.

Well, then, I'll just
have to learn how to ski.

[ grunts ]

[ groans ]

Whoa!

So how was that?

Tell me, Mario, who's
the most promising beginner

you've ever seen?

Words fail me.

Finally the day came
that the seven short ski bums

allowed me
to meet Snow White.

She was making
a hastily arranged appearance

on the Date Connection Game.

Bachelorette
number one,

what is
your favorite pastime?

Oh, that's a tough one.

But I guess
I'll have to say

buying turbocharged
sports cars for my men.

- [ giggles ]
- [ audience laughs ]

Thank you.

Number two, what is
your favorite pastime?

Mm, I would have to say

boning a chicken.

- [ audience laughs ]
- Hmm.

What have I been missing?

Now, number three.

My hobby is skiing.

What do you like to do?

[ groans ]

[ clock ticking ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

I'll choose Bachelorette
Number Three.

I told you.

Today's bachelors
don't want a girl

with her own opinions.

Good morning.

Is there any oat bran?

Did I miss the news?

She's awake!

But I thought only
a handsome prince

could break the spell.

Didn't you know
that TV hosts

have even more clout
than handsome princes?

Boy, do I feel rested.

And so, Snow White
and I are about to live
happily ever after.

But there is still
one unsolved mystery--

the whereabouts of that
notorious suspect

Wicked Queen.

You can help us bring

this dangerous fugitive
to justice.

If you have any information
pertaining to this case,

call the Hi-Ho police

at 1-800-555-BUST-A-QUEEN.

I've had it.
You win.

You are the fairest.

Wait a minute.

I made a mistake.

After careful
consideration,

I've concluded
that Judge Whomper,

the judge on
"The People's Trial,"

is the fairest.

You mean
neither one of us wins?

I can live with that.

[ click ]

Another alleged heinous criminal
off the slopes

thanks to
"Unsolved Fairy Tales."

You know, darling,
you look remarkably

like that girl who played you
in those reenactments.

That was me.

I needed
the extra bucks.

Well, then
let's blow this pop shop.

I'm tired of trash TV.

With your riches
and my good looks,

we can live a life
of leisureous ski bums.

- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah!
I kill me!