ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 12 - Alice in Wonderland - full transcript

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Because I'm the star,
that's why.

Voice:
Try it, you'll like it.

[ voices overlapping ]

Woman:
It'll do a 67 share.
Come on.

Hi there.
Welcome to an
"Alf Tales" story meeting.

Today we're discussing

why "Alice In Wonderland"
is a dumb tale to do.

[ voices overlapping ]



They think you wanna
watch me chase a rabbit
for 23 minutes.

I give you more credit.
I know you'd rather see...

...adventure, action!

Me in a really nifty
costume!

[ yelling, jeering ]

It's a nice book, Gordo.
Lots of pictures.

See the bunnies?

There's no story,
no motivation,

and no
love scenes.

Either I perform feats
of derring-do

or you do
"Please Stand By."

Meanwhile, I'll be
in my dressing room

buckling my swash.

Rhonda:
How can you be
so stubborn?



You know how much
I wanted to play Alice.

And you'd make
a wonderful Mad Hatter.

I don't do
supporting roles
anymore.

- I'm a star.
- Ooh! Gordon!

Can't you give in
this once?

You want me to look
like a wimp?

I just hope
that someday

you find yourself
somewhere where you
don't get

the star treatment
you're used to.

[ stutters ]
She-she-she's really mad,
Gordon.

She'll get over it
when she sees that I
remembered her birthday

with this great gift.

[ loud bang ]

No more "Mr. Nice
Network Guy," Shumway.

It's either "Alice"
or... "Rick Tales."

Now, start learning
your lines!

[ door shuts ]

[ stutters ]
I-I think you oughta
stick to your guns

in this "Alice"
controversy.

And I think
I'd better read
this book.

"Chapter One.
Alice was beginning
to get very tired."

See?
She even bores herself.

[ Gordon snoring ]

- [ clinks ]
- Huh?

Help!
Security!

I've just been robbed
by a pit bunny.

[ bell pings ]

- [ thumps ]
- [ elevator bell pings ]

[ pings ]

Yikes!

Ooh!

- [ growls ]
- Yikes!

Phew.

[ woman screams ]

[ screaming stops ]

Hmm, a cat door.

At least they won't
go hungry down there.

- Huh?
- [ cuckoo chirps ]

Hey!
Come back with that,
you felonious furball!

[ grunts ]

[ groans ]

[ clatters ]

"New Classic
Diet Drink Me."

- [ clicks ]
- [ gulping ]

[ belches ]

Aw, it's just
soda pop.

Hey!

I'm nothing
without my sword.

[ creaks ]

Oh, sure-- I have to
turn into a munchkin
to find an open door.

Now how do I
turn back?

"Tabby-Flavored Eat-Mes,
Now With Fiber."

I've landed
in Forest Lawn.

[ chirps ]

"Wonderland"?
Hah!

They ought to call it
"Unsanitaryland."

[ voices overlapping ]

Man:
Think they can just
cross over and insult...

Man #2:
I don't want to know
anything about it...

Oh! Welcome
to Wonderland!

Now go home.

Oh, great.
Crotchety chrysanthemums.

Serves you right,
buddy.

You trampled
my cousin over there.

Wah-choo!

I've gotta get
more sleep.

[ snickers ]
And what kind of
outfit is that?

You look like one
of the Smith Brothers.

I'm a musketeer.

Yeah?
Which one,
Annette?

Look, I was robbed
by a big white pit bunny.

He took a very expensive,
custom-made slugskin purse.

- Ah, a purse, huh?
- Ooh!

I'm explaining myself
to shrubbery.

For my girlfriend's
birthday.

That rabbit--

[ razzes ]

That's him,
the purse-snatching
pit bunny!

[ sputtering ]

- Ah-- ah...
- [ flowers laughing ]

- [ trumpet fanfare plays ]
- What's that?

All:
The Queen! The Queen!

The Queen? Great!
She'll help me get out
of this place.

No!
That's Rhonda's gift!

[ rustling ]

Excuse me,
but there's been
a mistake.

Who are you,
young man?

Gordon Shumway--
TV star, bon vivant,
raconteur.

Around here,
young man,

you're nothing
but dead meat.

Off with his snout!

Off with his snout!

Yikes!
Don't I even get
novocaine?

Wait!
I'm a visitor here.

I'll report this
to the Department of Tourism.

[ gasping ]

What's going on
here?

I said
off with his snout!

Begging your pardon,
Your Majesty,

but he's a visitor
and was gonna report us

to the Department
of Tourism.

You idiot!
They're closed today.

I want his snout!

[ yells ]

Oh!

[ yelling ]

[ pings ]

[ babbling ]

[ razzes ]

This isn't a place,
it's a living salad bar.

[ birds chirping ]

[ rumbling ]

Whoa-aa!

Ooh--!

And I thought
New Yorkers were rude.

Yo, up here.
Got any floss?

Oh, boy!
Dinner!

Stop drooling.
I'm not your dinner,

I'm the Wooster-Chester Cat,

your guide along
the highways and byways
of Wonderland.

Then guide me
out of here.

There's an ugly queen
and a pack of cards
after me.

Yeah, I know,
but what about Rhonda's gift?

How do you know
about that?

I saw the first act.
Look, you don't wanna
mess with the Evil Queen,

so your best bet
is to get out of here
and buy Rhonda a new purse.

I can't.
It's a one-of-a-kind
slugskin clutch.

Besides, that
rabbit stole it,
and I want it back.

You're just
another victim
of Blanche du Lapine,

the White Rabbit.
Purse-snatcher
extraordinaire.

If she's so good,

maybe I can talk her
into stealing it back for me.

Where'd they go?

That-a-way.

But I really don't advise
following them.

No problem.

Er, or was it
this-a-way?

[ razzes ]

- Just when I was starting
to trust houseplants again.
- [ razzes ]

[ trumpet fanfare
playing ]

I have to get
the Rabbit's attention.

I'll do it.
Hey, Blanche!

It's him!
Get him!

Don't let him
get away this time!

Idiots!
I want a new deck!

[ jazzy saxophone
music playing ]

[ bubbling ]

[ bubbling ]

[ music resumes ]

[ music stops ]

Thanks for the lift.
Now where am I,

and how do I get out?

You are in danger.

But these
will save you.

[ pops ]

Not those
"Tabby-Flavored Eat-Mes"
again?

Oh, yuck!
No, these are
Worm Scout Cookies.

They ward off evil spirits
and ugly queens.

And the money goes
for a good cause.

Look, what I need to do
is get Rhonda's purse
away from the Queen

before she cuts off
my snout.

Ah, that will take
three boxes.

[ pops ]

What you must do
is get the Rabbit to admit
she stole the purse.

She's the only one
the Queen listens to.

How will I find her?

Your carriage
awaits.

[ bubbles ]

Remember,
feed your cheese.

Hey, these cookies
aren't bad.

Whoa!

[ splashes ]

[ splashes ]

This isn't a dream,
it's the main event.

Watch
your mouth, pal.

I'm Tweedle Dum.
And this is Tweedle Blonde.

We're the Tweedle
Sisters.

We don't only sing,
but we dance just as
good as we walk.

Aw, stop
auditioning.

This guy's
not a talent scout.

[ splashes ]

But I am
a major television star.

Maybe we can help
each other.

What's in it
for us?

Tell me where I can
find the White Rabbit

and you can be
on my show.

Nah,
not good enough.

Get us dates
with Hulk Hogan.

Or Barry Manilow.

Just because
we're sisters

doesn't mean we have
the same taste.

Or any at all.

Okay.
Last time I saw
Blanche,

she was going to
the Mad Catter's
Split-Pea Party.

He never invites us.

Girls, girls!

My snout's hanging
in the balance.

Where's this Mad Catter?

Over the river
and through the woods.

No, that's
Grandma.

Er, over
that way.

There's just enough time
for another round

of mud wrestling
before dark.

[ splashing ]

A guy could make a fortune
with a map concession
in this place.

We tried that.
He got lost.
Like you.

Listen, you smiling
hors d'oeuvre,

you're supposed to be
guiding me.

Where's the Mad Catter's
Split-Pea Party?

Er, that-a-way.

Er, or is it
this-a-way?

But I'm warning you,
those guys are insane!

[ snoring ]

[ stutters ]
Y-You can't
s-sit there.

That's m-my seat.

But you're in
your seat.

Y-You don't understand.

W-We drink soup
in shifts.

That way, we never have
a dirty cup--

a-and who invited you,
anyway?

I'm looking for
Blanche du Lapine,

the White Rabbit.

B-B-Blanche?
She had to leave.

She gave the Queen
a nice gift and got
promoted

to Head Trumpeter
in the Royal P-Procession.

Thanks.

Let me ask you
something.

Why did the turtle
cross the road?

[ rapid clanking ]

M-M-Move! M-M-Move!
Time for a f-fresh cup.

Look, I'd love to stay,
but I'm late for a very
important date.

Come on.
Why did the turtle
cross the road?

It's chicken--
"Why did the chicken
cross the road?"

G-Go easy on him.

He's n-n-nuts.

Why should a chicken
go to a Shell station?

D-Don't pay
any attention

t-to the guy
in the Errol Flynn
costume.

H-He's nuts.

If I'm nuts,
it's because of people
like you.

Now just tell me
where I can find

that larcenous
pit bunny

so I can get
out of here.

I-I believe
B-Blanche is playing
the P-Palace today.

Where's the Palace?

[ yawns ]
Hollywood and Vine Streets.

Not that palace,
you gavoon.

- [ alarm clock clatters ]
- Ch-change cups!

No problem.
I'll find it myself.

That was my reverse.
Like it?

Wonderful.
Where's the Palace?

Aw, that's easy.
Right through
that tree.

Oof!

Cat:
Oh. I meant
that tree.

[ rustling ]

I have to talk
to you, Rabbit.

All:
Off with his snout!

Off with his snout!
Off with his snout!

[ trumpet fanfare plays ]

Your snout is mine!
[ cackles ]

[ Gordon grunting ]

The nerve
of this intruder.

Trying to take
my scissors away!

Isn't that the King
over there with that
cute little bunny?

That is mypurse,
young man!

Your Majesty,
this purse was
stolen from me.

Your swashbuckling
attire is slugskin?

Don't you know
anything about fashion?

I had it custom-made
for my girlfriend's
birthday,

which
I usually forget,
so I need it back.

Off with his snout!

But he's
so sincere!

Off with your snout,
too!

In fact, off
with all the snouts
in the entire zip code!

Gordon Shumway,
man without a snout!

Gordon:
I'll have to get
new 8x10s taken.

Bailiff:
Next witness,
the Mad Catter.

This is
ridiculous.

Shh-hh!

One witness
at a time.

Off with
their snouts!

Off with your own snout,
you old bag.

[ all gasp ]

[ gasps ]
Off with his tail, too!

Now, about my purse,
young man.

That rabbit
stole the purse
from my dressing room.

[ stuttering ]
C-C-Can I sit down now?

I did not steal it.
You bought it for me.

I did not.
It belongs to--

Rhonda?!

What are you, crazy?

All:
Surprise!
Happy un-birthday!

But it's not
my birthday.

It's your un-birthday,
Gordon!

In fact,
it's everyone's
un-birthday,

except for mine,
because I wasborn today.

When did you
turn weird, Rhonda?

I knew you wouldn't
understand.

That's why I took
the purse and made you
follow me here.

[ all cheering ]

Get back!
Stop showering me
with gifts!

Just a tiny slice--
maybe a little bigger.

With a whisker.

Wake up,
Gordon.

Huh?!

Hah!
It was a dream!

Rhonda,
open the credenza.

There's something
for you.

[ drawer opens ]

A slugskin purse!
Oh, Gordon!

It's a little beat up--
but it's lovely!

You don't know
what I went through
to get that for you.

You're not
still mad at me?

I'm not, but--

So, what's it
gonna be, Shumway?

I love
this story!

Let's do it
all season.

I knew you were
a man of vision.

You'll make
a fabulous Alice.

Alice?
No! I refuse to wear--

Ugh!

Sometimes
I hateshow-biz.

[ laughs ]

- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah!
I kill me!