ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 13 - Peter Pan - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Peter Pan.
[ orchestral music plays ]
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
Welcome to a very special
edition of "Alf Tales."
Today I get to play
that eternally young lad
in green pantyhose.
- Man: Dick Clark?
- No, Peter Pan.
Hey, watch it!
Through the miracle
of special effects,
you can't see the wires
holding me up.
Show 'em, boys.
Gordon:
All the good people
work for George Lucas.
Can we try that again?
Now where was I?
Oh, yes. London,
in the early 1900s.
The fog is as thick
as pea soup.
[ tower bells ringing ]
Prepare to meet
thy doom, scallywag!
When will you
little terrors
ever grow up?
Never!
Speak for yourself,
shrimp.
I can't wait
to blow this joint.
Children, while
your father and I
are at the opera,
I want you to obey
your governess.
And this time,
no flushing her
down the toilet.
Don't worry, Mummy,
we'll be good.
[ door closes ]
[ breathy squeal ]
Prepare to meet
thy doom, scallywag!
[ distant yelling ]
[ crashing ]
Girl:
Who are you, and what
was wrong with the door?
I'm Peter Pan.
And this is Tinker Bell,
my faithful fairy
companion.
Say, you kids
look like you know
how to par-tay.
How about flying with me
to Never Never Land
where you play all day,
never have to grow up,
and there's
no sales tax?
Right!
But commercial
air travel won't begin
for another 20 years.
No problem.
We don't need a plane.
All we have to do
is think wonderful thoughts.
Watch.
Ice cream is not
fattening.
Er, blondes
have more fun.
[ gasps ]
Tony Orlando and Dawn
are getting back
together...?
I'm...
toilet trained!
[ giggles ]
Never Never Land,
here we come!
Say, are you
seeing anybody on
a regular basis?
I'd sure like having
a swell babe like you
around our bachelor pad.
Sounds cool,
but can't we lose
the flying mutt?
I'm allergic
to fairy dust.
[ growls ]
Ah-choo!
Boy:
Hey, we're here!
Good evening, crew,
and welcome to our show.
Tonight, like every night,
we bring you that pirate
of puns,
the man who knows
every pirate joke on
the Seven Seas,
let's have a big hand
for the man with one hand,
Shecky Hook!
[ applause, cheering ]
[ feedback squeals ]
Good evening,
everybody.
Hey, take my first mate,
please.
[ beams creak, silence ]
[ buzzes ]
[ pings ]
[ buzzes ]
[ applause, laughter ]
Hey, how many pirates
does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Two--
one to steal it
from the hardware store,
and the other
to screw it in.
[ laughter ]
And why aren't you
laughing?
- [ feedback squeals ]
- I heard Peter Pan
tell that joke
last week.
Men, feed
this scoundrel
to the sharks!
But it's much funnier
when you tell it!
Pan, always Pan!
That little runt
who pushed me
into the water
so that crocodile
could munch on my hand.
So the fool
thinks he knows more
jokes than I do.
Well, I think it's time
I put an end to this.
I want Peter Pan fried!
[ machine buzzing ]
Captain,
fairy alert!
Peter Pan and his pals
at 12 o'clock high!
- Battle stations!
- [ alarm blares ]
Battle stations!
This is not a drill!
[ alarm blares ]
[ clicks, squeaks ]
[ fizzes ]
Peter:
Whoa-aa!
Peter, what's that?
It's either
Captain Hook
firing at us
or one
nearsighted bowler.
Tink, take
our new pals
to the Lost Boys.
And take good care
of them,
especially
my main squeeze, Wendy.
[ growls ]
Why, if it isn't
Captain Hook.
I heard you bombed
in Vegas.
No, I bombed Vegas
when they wouldn't
laugh at my jokes.
G'day, mate.
Great Caesar's Ghost.
It's Crocodile Dumbdee,
the lizard who lunched
on my limb.
That's me, mate.
Say, why don't you throw
another handon the barbie?
[ yelling ]
Hey, Captain,
did you hear
about the croc
who couldn't resist
eating pirates?
I guess you could say
he was "hooked."
[ laughs ]
I'll get you
yet, Pan,
as soon as I find out
your home address.
Look, you flying
fleabag,
when Peter and I
start playing house,
I'm replacing you
with a Shih Tzu!
Agh-- ugh...
ah-choo!
Hey, Dean,
ain't this
the life?
Spending every day
hanging out
on the corner,
checking out the babes
in Never Never Land?
[ stutters ]
Y-You bet, Sammy.
Too bad there aren't
any babes
in N-N-Never
N-Never Land.
[ Tink whimpering ]
Whoa, giant birds!
What about 'em, Tink?
Dean:
Er, pan-- er,
f-f-frying p-pan.
Er, pan for gold?
Sammy:
Peter Pan!
Er, a-a gun!
Er, Peter Pan
and a gun.
I-I got it!
Peter Pan says,
"Blow the big bird
out of the sky."
Ow!
[ squeals ]
[ squeals ]
Hey, that's not
a bird,
it's a g-g-girl!
Wouldn't you know it?
A babe finally comes
to Never Land,
and we shoot her.
[ screams ]
Lucky for you
I was in the
neighborhood.
Peter,
I owe you my life.
How can I ever
pay you back?
Just stick around
and let the good
times roll.
As for you,
my fairy-weather friend,
I order you
to go into the woods
and write
"I'm a rotten fairy"
100 times
in the dirt.
Where are we?
I-I don't know.
D-Do you know
where we are, Sammy?
No, Dean, I never know
where we are. We're lost.
Th-that's why
they call us...
[ together ]
The Lost Boys!
Well, here's our
swingin' bachelor pad.
Wendy:
A tree house?
Actually,
it's more of
a tree-penthouse.
Now let's par-tay.
Hey, babe,
we're low on dip.
Keep your tights on!
I only got two hands!
Hey, it's
about time.
Ugh-hh!
I don't get it,
Wendaroonie.
Since your first day here,
you've been one cranky
camper.
You mean when I had
to wash your tights,
vacuum the tree house,
and make all those
peanut butter sandwiches
with the crust cut off?
So what's
the problem?
That's what babes
are supposed to do.
That does it!
I'm leaving!
But, Wendy,
we need you.
You don't need me,
you need a maid.
If you guys really want
to get "babes,"
you're gonna have to
grow up
and leave
Never Never Land.
G-G-Grow up?
Learn to take care
of yourselves.
Make a living
and treat women
like equals.
That's the kind of guy
girls like.
Maybe we should grow up.
Then we'll be able to
get babes.
Hold on.
What about
the good times?
Wake up and smell
the cocoa, Peter.
Nobody comes to
our parties except
a couple of fairies
and squirrels
from upstairs.
W-We're out of here.
- ♪ The party's over.
- [ bubbles ]
Hmm?
Smee, bring
Mr. Bell--
may I
call you Tink?
[ fairy dust jingles ]
Bring Tink another
round of meat.
You know, Tink,
they say a fairy
is a man's best friend...
until a woman
comes into the picture.
Ah-hh...
choo!
[ snorts ]
I can help you, Tink.
All you have to do
is tell me where Peter lives,
and I'll make
that pesky Wendy watusi
down the gangplank!
[ growls ]
Don't you worry.
He won't lay a hand
on Peter.
We likePeter.
Don't we, Smee?
We love him
to pieces.
Lots of pieces.
[ squeaks ]
Now, where's
the hideout?
[ yips ]
Thank you,
you pea-brained pixie.
Smee, seize him--
I mean, her!
I mean-- er...
whatever it is.
Ugh.
[ Tink barks ]
Pan is mine!
W-Well, Peter,
I-I guess this is good-bye.
It's been real.
But, guys, you can't
grow up and leave me.
Sorry things
didn't work out,
Pete.
If you get your life together
and you're ready to make
a commitment,
call me.
Ah, excuse me,
does this bus stop
at London?
Man:
Why, certainly,
my dear.
[ chuckles ]
Hello, Dial-A-Maid?
- [ buzzing ]
- Hang on, somebody's
at the door.
- [ buzzing ]
- Yes?
Delivery for Mr. Pan
from Wendy.
Sign here.
"Dear Peter,
hanging out with you
was a blast."
[ package ticking ]
Hmm...
by now, your friend
Peter Pan
has received
my complimentary
bomb.
Peter's much
too clever to fall for
one of your schemes.
Sh-she obviously
hasn't known Peter
very long.
And you kids
are going to need
something to do
with your lives.
Have you considered
the piracy?
There's travel,
good benefits,
and the company
of a few good men.
No way, Hook.
Becoming a pirate
would be a betrayal
of everything Peter
stood for.
All right.
Smee, toss them
overboard!
I-I'll be
a p-p-pirate!
I'll be a pirate.
I've always wanted
to be a pirate.
Pirate, pirate,
pirate!
Maybe you can
scare them, Hook,
but not me.
I'll never be
a pirate.
Of course you'll
never be a pirate.
You're a babe.
Smee, the cleaning
supplies.
Start with the
heavy artillery.
And I want to see myself
in those cannons.
What is it
with you guys
in Never Never Land?
[ yells ]
Clean this floating dump
yourselves!
You try to be nice
to people,
and where does it
get you?
Prepare to walk
the gangplank!
Oh!
[ grunts ]
- Hmm, nice wrapping.
- [ package ticking ]
And ticking, too.
Maybe it's
a kitchen timer.
I'm gonna need
one of those
now that I'm doing
my own cooking.
Tink!
[ slurps ]
You're back!
- Charades?
- [ sputters ]
I'm game.
Now-- taking a nap.
Come to think of it,
I'm kind of tired.
[ ticking continues ]
Your kids.
I didn't know
you were married.
Now, kids...
oh, I've got it!
Napkins!
I'll go to the store
right away.
Not it, huh?
Let's see,
"kid," "nap"--
I've got it!
Wendy and the boys
have been kidnapped!
[ slurps ]
But if Wendy
was kidnapped,
she couldn't
have had time
to send me this
loudly ticking
kitchen timer.
Which means that
this isn't a loudly
ticking kitchen timer,
but a--
oh, boy!
[ blasts, rumbles ]
Yikes!
Tink, speak to me.
Tink!
Hey, anybody got
a spotlight out there?
Poor Tink's got one paw
in Fairy Heaven,
but you can help me
save her.
All you've got to do
is clap your hands
and say
no to senseless violence
in fairy tales.
[ sparse clapping ]
Come on, kids.
Think of what fairies
have done for you,
like the Tooth Fairy--
all those quarters
under your pillow?
[ applause ]
[ applause rising ]
I can't hear you.
[ applause rising ]
[ meter buzzes ]
[ fanfare plays ]
Ah-choo!
He's back!
Come on, Tink.
We've got a big
rescue scene to do.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do the cleaning,
but no ironing.
And I'm off Thursdays.
Peter:
Knock, knock.
[ gasps ]
Who's there?
Peter Pan.
Who'd you expect,
Mister Rogers?
[ gasps ]
Gee, it worked
for Errol Flynn.
[ all gasp ]
Par-tay!
[ screams ]
- [ razzes ]
- Hah!
Get down--
below, I mean.
This is no place
for babes.
Oh, yeah?
Watch this!
Wha...?
Oof!
- What a woman!
- [ snarls ]
Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.
You can't duel
what you can't see.
[ blades clang ]
[ grunts ]
[ squeals ]
- [ mast creaks ]
- [ screams ]
[ boys laugh ]
[ panting ]
[ yelling ]
[ snickers ]
[ clanging ]
Catch me
if you can.
[ growls ]
Oh, all right.
Come and get me.
Now, let's see
who can really
par-tay.
[ clanging ]
You may be okay
with a sword,
but let's see how you are
when it comes to comedy,
barnacle breath.
Hit me
with your best shot.
When is a pirate
like a baseball player?
[ clanks ]
When he's
a Pittsburgh Pirate.
Peter:
Where does a pirate
keep his gym clothes?
[ blades clanging ]
In Davy Jones'
locker.
[ clanging ]
[ plank creaking ]
Why did the pirate
cross the ocean?
Why... I don't know.
To get to
the other tide.
- Hah! Bon voyage!
- [ Hook screams ]
G'day, mate.
Welcome to the land
down under.
[ Hook screams ]
We won!
This calls for a par-tay!
Hey, come on.
We'll get a big keg
of cat juice and...
I'll even make
the dip myself, okay?
Peter,
it's time we went back.
Our parents miss us,
Michelle needs changing.
Besides, there are
no shopping malls in
Never Never Land.
If that's what you want.
What about you guys?
W-We're going back
to sch-school
and have
c-c-careers.
Maybe even drive
the big rigs.
Looks like you and I
are the last of the
party animals.
Oh, no.
You're selling out, too?
[ crickets chirping ]
- Wendy?
- Yes, Peter?
I've been thinking about
that growing-up stuff,
and maybe
you're right.
- Really, Peter?
- Absolutely.
I'm even thinking
of going into business.
Hey, Captain,
I need two crocburgers
and fries,
on the double.
- Coming right up.
- [ sizzling ]
Hey, people gotta eat.
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
Welcome to a very special
edition of "Alf Tales."
Today I get to play
that eternally young lad
in green pantyhose.
- Man: Dick Clark?
- No, Peter Pan.
Hey, watch it!
Through the miracle
of special effects,
you can't see the wires
holding me up.
Show 'em, boys.
Gordon:
All the good people
work for George Lucas.
Can we try that again?
Now where was I?
Oh, yes. London,
in the early 1900s.
The fog is as thick
as pea soup.
[ tower bells ringing ]
Prepare to meet
thy doom, scallywag!
When will you
little terrors
ever grow up?
Never!
Speak for yourself,
shrimp.
I can't wait
to blow this joint.
Children, while
your father and I
are at the opera,
I want you to obey
your governess.
And this time,
no flushing her
down the toilet.
Don't worry, Mummy,
we'll be good.
[ door closes ]
[ breathy squeal ]
Prepare to meet
thy doom, scallywag!
[ distant yelling ]
[ crashing ]
Girl:
Who are you, and what
was wrong with the door?
I'm Peter Pan.
And this is Tinker Bell,
my faithful fairy
companion.
Say, you kids
look like you know
how to par-tay.
How about flying with me
to Never Never Land
where you play all day,
never have to grow up,
and there's
no sales tax?
Right!
But commercial
air travel won't begin
for another 20 years.
No problem.
We don't need a plane.
All we have to do
is think wonderful thoughts.
Watch.
Ice cream is not
fattening.
Er, blondes
have more fun.
[ gasps ]
Tony Orlando and Dawn
are getting back
together...?
I'm...
toilet trained!
[ giggles ]
Never Never Land,
here we come!
Say, are you
seeing anybody on
a regular basis?
I'd sure like having
a swell babe like you
around our bachelor pad.
Sounds cool,
but can't we lose
the flying mutt?
I'm allergic
to fairy dust.
[ growls ]
Ah-choo!
Boy:
Hey, we're here!
Good evening, crew,
and welcome to our show.
Tonight, like every night,
we bring you that pirate
of puns,
the man who knows
every pirate joke on
the Seven Seas,
let's have a big hand
for the man with one hand,
Shecky Hook!
[ applause, cheering ]
[ feedback squeals ]
Good evening,
everybody.
Hey, take my first mate,
please.
[ beams creak, silence ]
[ buzzes ]
[ pings ]
[ buzzes ]
[ applause, laughter ]
Hey, how many pirates
does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Two--
one to steal it
from the hardware store,
and the other
to screw it in.
[ laughter ]
And why aren't you
laughing?
- [ feedback squeals ]
- I heard Peter Pan
tell that joke
last week.
Men, feed
this scoundrel
to the sharks!
But it's much funnier
when you tell it!
Pan, always Pan!
That little runt
who pushed me
into the water
so that crocodile
could munch on my hand.
So the fool
thinks he knows more
jokes than I do.
Well, I think it's time
I put an end to this.
I want Peter Pan fried!
[ machine buzzing ]
Captain,
fairy alert!
Peter Pan and his pals
at 12 o'clock high!
- Battle stations!
- [ alarm blares ]
Battle stations!
This is not a drill!
[ alarm blares ]
[ clicks, squeaks ]
[ fizzes ]
Peter:
Whoa-aa!
Peter, what's that?
It's either
Captain Hook
firing at us
or one
nearsighted bowler.
Tink, take
our new pals
to the Lost Boys.
And take good care
of them,
especially
my main squeeze, Wendy.
[ growls ]
Why, if it isn't
Captain Hook.
I heard you bombed
in Vegas.
No, I bombed Vegas
when they wouldn't
laugh at my jokes.
G'day, mate.
Great Caesar's Ghost.
It's Crocodile Dumbdee,
the lizard who lunched
on my limb.
That's me, mate.
Say, why don't you throw
another handon the barbie?
[ yelling ]
Hey, Captain,
did you hear
about the croc
who couldn't resist
eating pirates?
I guess you could say
he was "hooked."
[ laughs ]
I'll get you
yet, Pan,
as soon as I find out
your home address.
Look, you flying
fleabag,
when Peter and I
start playing house,
I'm replacing you
with a Shih Tzu!
Agh-- ugh...
ah-choo!
Hey, Dean,
ain't this
the life?
Spending every day
hanging out
on the corner,
checking out the babes
in Never Never Land?
[ stutters ]
Y-You bet, Sammy.
Too bad there aren't
any babes
in N-N-Never
N-Never Land.
[ Tink whimpering ]
Whoa, giant birds!
What about 'em, Tink?
Dean:
Er, pan-- er,
f-f-frying p-pan.
Er, pan for gold?
Sammy:
Peter Pan!
Er, a-a gun!
Er, Peter Pan
and a gun.
I-I got it!
Peter Pan says,
"Blow the big bird
out of the sky."
Ow!
[ squeals ]
[ squeals ]
Hey, that's not
a bird,
it's a g-g-girl!
Wouldn't you know it?
A babe finally comes
to Never Land,
and we shoot her.
[ screams ]
Lucky for you
I was in the
neighborhood.
Peter,
I owe you my life.
How can I ever
pay you back?
Just stick around
and let the good
times roll.
As for you,
my fairy-weather friend,
I order you
to go into the woods
and write
"I'm a rotten fairy"
100 times
in the dirt.
Where are we?
I-I don't know.
D-Do you know
where we are, Sammy?
No, Dean, I never know
where we are. We're lost.
Th-that's why
they call us...
[ together ]
The Lost Boys!
Well, here's our
swingin' bachelor pad.
Wendy:
A tree house?
Actually,
it's more of
a tree-penthouse.
Now let's par-tay.
Hey, babe,
we're low on dip.
Keep your tights on!
I only got two hands!
Hey, it's
about time.
Ugh-hh!
I don't get it,
Wendaroonie.
Since your first day here,
you've been one cranky
camper.
You mean when I had
to wash your tights,
vacuum the tree house,
and make all those
peanut butter sandwiches
with the crust cut off?
So what's
the problem?
That's what babes
are supposed to do.
That does it!
I'm leaving!
But, Wendy,
we need you.
You don't need me,
you need a maid.
If you guys really want
to get "babes,"
you're gonna have to
grow up
and leave
Never Never Land.
G-G-Grow up?
Learn to take care
of yourselves.
Make a living
and treat women
like equals.
That's the kind of guy
girls like.
Maybe we should grow up.
Then we'll be able to
get babes.
Hold on.
What about
the good times?
Wake up and smell
the cocoa, Peter.
Nobody comes to
our parties except
a couple of fairies
and squirrels
from upstairs.
W-We're out of here.
- ♪ The party's over.
- [ bubbles ]
Hmm?
Smee, bring
Mr. Bell--
may I
call you Tink?
[ fairy dust jingles ]
Bring Tink another
round of meat.
You know, Tink,
they say a fairy
is a man's best friend...
until a woman
comes into the picture.
Ah-hh...
choo!
[ snorts ]
I can help you, Tink.
All you have to do
is tell me where Peter lives,
and I'll make
that pesky Wendy watusi
down the gangplank!
[ growls ]
Don't you worry.
He won't lay a hand
on Peter.
We likePeter.
Don't we, Smee?
We love him
to pieces.
Lots of pieces.
[ squeaks ]
Now, where's
the hideout?
[ yips ]
Thank you,
you pea-brained pixie.
Smee, seize him--
I mean, her!
I mean-- er...
whatever it is.
Ugh.
[ Tink barks ]
Pan is mine!
W-Well, Peter,
I-I guess this is good-bye.
It's been real.
But, guys, you can't
grow up and leave me.
Sorry things
didn't work out,
Pete.
If you get your life together
and you're ready to make
a commitment,
call me.
Ah, excuse me,
does this bus stop
at London?
Man:
Why, certainly,
my dear.
[ chuckles ]
Hello, Dial-A-Maid?
- [ buzzing ]
- Hang on, somebody's
at the door.
- [ buzzing ]
- Yes?
Delivery for Mr. Pan
from Wendy.
Sign here.
"Dear Peter,
hanging out with you
was a blast."
[ package ticking ]
Hmm...
by now, your friend
Peter Pan
has received
my complimentary
bomb.
Peter's much
too clever to fall for
one of your schemes.
Sh-she obviously
hasn't known Peter
very long.
And you kids
are going to need
something to do
with your lives.
Have you considered
the piracy?
There's travel,
good benefits,
and the company
of a few good men.
No way, Hook.
Becoming a pirate
would be a betrayal
of everything Peter
stood for.
All right.
Smee, toss them
overboard!
I-I'll be
a p-p-pirate!
I'll be a pirate.
I've always wanted
to be a pirate.
Pirate, pirate,
pirate!
Maybe you can
scare them, Hook,
but not me.
I'll never be
a pirate.
Of course you'll
never be a pirate.
You're a babe.
Smee, the cleaning
supplies.
Start with the
heavy artillery.
And I want to see myself
in those cannons.
What is it
with you guys
in Never Never Land?
[ yells ]
Clean this floating dump
yourselves!
You try to be nice
to people,
and where does it
get you?
Prepare to walk
the gangplank!
Oh!
[ grunts ]
- Hmm, nice wrapping.
- [ package ticking ]
And ticking, too.
Maybe it's
a kitchen timer.
I'm gonna need
one of those
now that I'm doing
my own cooking.
Tink!
[ slurps ]
You're back!
- Charades?
- [ sputters ]
I'm game.
Now-- taking a nap.
Come to think of it,
I'm kind of tired.
[ ticking continues ]
Your kids.
I didn't know
you were married.
Now, kids...
oh, I've got it!
Napkins!
I'll go to the store
right away.
Not it, huh?
Let's see,
"kid," "nap"--
I've got it!
Wendy and the boys
have been kidnapped!
[ slurps ]
But if Wendy
was kidnapped,
she couldn't
have had time
to send me this
loudly ticking
kitchen timer.
Which means that
this isn't a loudly
ticking kitchen timer,
but a--
oh, boy!
[ blasts, rumbles ]
Yikes!
Tink, speak to me.
Tink!
Hey, anybody got
a spotlight out there?
Poor Tink's got one paw
in Fairy Heaven,
but you can help me
save her.
All you've got to do
is clap your hands
and say
no to senseless violence
in fairy tales.
[ sparse clapping ]
Come on, kids.
Think of what fairies
have done for you,
like the Tooth Fairy--
all those quarters
under your pillow?
[ applause ]
[ applause rising ]
I can't hear you.
[ applause rising ]
[ meter buzzes ]
[ fanfare plays ]
Ah-choo!
He's back!
Come on, Tink.
We've got a big
rescue scene to do.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do the cleaning,
but no ironing.
And I'm off Thursdays.
Peter:
Knock, knock.
[ gasps ]
Who's there?
Peter Pan.
Who'd you expect,
Mister Rogers?
[ gasps ]
Gee, it worked
for Errol Flynn.
[ all gasp ]
Par-tay!
[ screams ]
- [ razzes ]
- Hah!
Get down--
below, I mean.
This is no place
for babes.
Oh, yeah?
Watch this!
Wha...?
Oof!
- What a woman!
- [ snarls ]
Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.
You can't duel
what you can't see.
[ blades clang ]
[ grunts ]
[ squeals ]
- [ mast creaks ]
- [ screams ]
[ boys laugh ]
[ panting ]
[ yelling ]
[ snickers ]
[ clanging ]
Catch me
if you can.
[ growls ]
Oh, all right.
Come and get me.
Now, let's see
who can really
par-tay.
[ clanging ]
You may be okay
with a sword,
but let's see how you are
when it comes to comedy,
barnacle breath.
Hit me
with your best shot.
When is a pirate
like a baseball player?
[ clanks ]
When he's
a Pittsburgh Pirate.
Peter:
Where does a pirate
keep his gym clothes?
[ blades clanging ]
In Davy Jones'
locker.
[ clanging ]
[ plank creaking ]
Why did the pirate
cross the ocean?
Why... I don't know.
To get to
the other tide.
- Hah! Bon voyage!
- [ Hook screams ]
G'day, mate.
Welcome to the land
down under.
[ Hook screams ]
We won!
This calls for a par-tay!
Hey, come on.
We'll get a big keg
of cat juice and...
I'll even make
the dip myself, okay?
Peter,
it's time we went back.
Our parents miss us,
Michelle needs changing.
Besides, there are
no shopping malls in
Never Never Land.
If that's what you want.
What about you guys?
W-We're going back
to sch-school
and have
c-c-careers.
Maybe even drive
the big rigs.
Looks like you and I
are the last of the
party animals.
Oh, no.
You're selling out, too?
[ crickets chirping ]
- Wendy?
- Yes, Peter?
I've been thinking about
that growing-up stuff,
and maybe
you're right.
- Really, Peter?
- Absolutely.
I'm even thinking
of going into business.
Hey, Captain,
I need two crocburgers
and fries,
on the double.
- Coming right up.
- [ sizzling ]
Hey, people gotta eat.
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!