ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 7 - He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother - full transcript

ALF gets upset when Willie's emotionally depressed kid brother spends lots of time at the house, leaving him to take quarters in the garage.


Well, I know that, Neal,
but it's important

now that you-you move on.

Get off the phone.

I understand that too

but y-you shouldn't just sit
around being depressed.

Tell him life's a drag,
then you die.

Now, get off the phone.

Will you let go of my pants?

Oh, I was talking to...Kate.

Ah, she said hi.

Of course. Any time
you wanna talk, I'm here.

Ah, that's what
brothers are for.

Uncle Neal again?

Who else?
The guy's a royal pain in the...


I'm sick of this guy
calling all the time.

He's like hemorrhoids
with a dialing finger.

Have a little compassion, ALF.

Uncle Neal is going through
a really rough time right now.

I know, I know.
His wife left him.

What I can't figure out
is why it took her so long.

Neal, gotta stop
doing this to yourself.

It's time
you took charge of things.

Don't you see?

You have to grab life
by the lapels

and shake your spirit free.

How Zen.

A lot of people
have their dogs neutered, Neal.

It doesn't mean that
Margaret necessarily

meant anything by it.

Compared to Fido,
Neal's getting off easy.


[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Come on, Eric.
Give us a smile.

Give us a big smile.

You could do it. Come on.


'Now, Kate! Now!'

Good boy. Good boy.
That was the last bite.

They're so easy to
manipulate at this age.

I'll get it.

Oh, if it's Uncle Neal

tell him I'm not here.

Dad. You want me to lie?

It's not a lie,
it's a...relative.

That's how Lizzie Borden
got started.

First she lied to her parents,
then she hacked them to pieces.

Probably looked a lot like this.
Only not so veiny.

Check, please.

Just a second. You're safe, dad.
It's for me.

I'm-I'm gonna take it
in the other room.

You know,
now that I think about it

we haven't heard from
your brother in days.

I think he probably took
the advice I gave him

and started taking charge
of his own life.

That poor guy.

To have invested ten years
with the same person

and have it end so badly.

Well, at least he's got
his storm-door business

to keep him occupied.

Talk about that Tanner zest
for life.

[instrumental music]

- Morning, ALF.
- Morning.

Did dad give
the Ochmoneks permission

to park one of their campers
in our driveway?

You know, this sort of thing
wouldn't happen

if we didn't live in
what Geraldo calls

a marginal neighborhood.

[doorbell rings]

Ugh. Who could that be
at this hour?

Probably someone marginal.

Who could possibly be
ringing our doorbell

at 7:00 in the morning?

It's Neal.

- Neal.
- Surprise!

Oh, yeah, it sure is that.

Well, come on. Come on in.

I hope I'm not ringing
too early.

Oh, nonsense.

No, it's-it's wonderful
to see you.

- Hi, Neal.
- Oh, Lynnie.

Why didn't you tell us
you were coming?

because the new Neal Tanner

is spontaneous, impetuous.

Oh, you're looking
at my new camper, aren't you?

- That's yours?
- Yeah, isn't she a beauty?

Then those are your boxer shorts
on the antenna.

I didn't realize
you were such a big Batman fan.

I lost the clothesline
just outside of Albuquerque.

I didn't know you liked camping,

Well, I don't, actually. Uh..

This was all your idea, Willie.
Don't you remember?

I-I told you to
take up camping?

No, you told me
to grab life by the lapels

and shake my spirit free,

A words to that effect.

Well, I finally did.

I mean, you made me realize

I was living in this
teeny-weeny little rut.

And after Margaret bolted

it just kept getting
teenier and ruttier and..

So I finally did
what you told me to do.

I quit my job,
I gave up my apartment

I traded in the Valiant
and-and I bought that camper

and, well, here I am.

I'm a new man.

I never told you to do
any of those things, Neal.

Well, no, not in so many words.
I sort of read in.

[metal clanging]

Excuse me.

This is a special moment.

Why don't I go make us
an international coffee?

Irish mocha mint?

- ALF.
- What?

I was looking for a shrimp fork.
These are too big.

Just be quiet.
Uncle Neal is here.

I know.

See? It was someone marginal.

By the way, your father's
quite the advice giver.

You know what you get
when you shake life's lapels?

Life's dandruff.
That's what you get.


[instrumental music]

Ah, got your, uh,
utilities hooked up.

Oh, thank you.

But really, Neal, you know

you're more than welcome
to sleep in the house.

No, no, no.

The new, independent Neal Tanner
takes care of himself.

Thanks though.

It's really good to see you,

It's been a long time.

You know what they say.

Families only seem to
get together

at weddings and funerals.

Now we can add
divorces to that.

Kind of funny, isn't it?

- You're gonna be okay, Neal.
- I know.

You're gonna be okay.

You still make the best
hospital corners in our family.

Yeah. You want me to
come in and do yours?

No, no. No, thanks.
Kate's asleep.

Well, that's no problem.
I can work around her.

I worked around Margaret
all the time.

You mean you doted
on Margaret so much

that she didn't have to get out
of the bed for you to make it?

No sense both of us being up.

But hey,
that's all behind me now.

Now that I've grabbed
life by the lapels

and shaken my spirit free.

Thanks to you.


Yeah, about that, Neal.

Ah, what I really meant was,
I think..

...was sit down, relax

don't make any rash decisions.

Above all,
don't uproot your whole life

and drive into somebody's
driveway in a Winnebago.

You're afraid
I'm gonna be a burden.

No, Neal. No..

I'm just wondering if you really
thought this thing through.

What about your job?

You-you loved
selling storm doors.

I did, but I don't necessarily
think that man was meant to

just do one thing
with his life, Willie.

And n-now is a good time
for me to take some risks.

So, I was thinking about
getting into sunroofs.

What do you think?
Do you know anybody in sunroofs?

- No, afraid not.
- I know.

It's a tough game to crack
unless you know somebody.

But hey, I made it
in storm doors, didn't I?

- Sure did.
- Mm.

You wanna know something?
I'm gonna do it all on my own.

You're looking at the new,
revamped Neal Tanner.

I am strong, I am invincible.

Do you know any women
that fool around?

Just a little.

[instrumental music]

You gonna finish that?

No, I was gonna store it
in my cheeks until winter.

There's more food, Brian.
What would you like thirds of?


Where did you learn to cook
so well, Uncle Neal?

Well, breakfast was Margaret's
favorite meal of the afternoon.

Except on weekends,
when she'd sleep late.

You know, sometimes I wonder

where she got the energy
to leave me.

- Good morning, guys.
- Morning, Willie.

What would you like
for breakfast?

Eggs, sausage,
cinnamon rolls, waffles..

Oh, uh...a couple of eggs
and toast will be fine.

How would you like those cooked?

Scrambled, over easy,
boiled, fried?


One minute,
two minutes, three minutes?

- Surprise me.
- Roger Wilco.

You know who is not very happy
about you know what.

Well, we'll just have to tell
you know who

that he can go you know where.

He told me to tell you he's made
a voodoo doll in your image.


[instrumental music]

Nice touch.

Subtle, but it makes a point.

I can understand your feelings,

I can also understand
your dilemma.

What I can't understand
is this note.

It's in English.
What don't you understand?

"Dear Neal,
take some advice from a guy

"who loves you like a brother.

"There's a camper
leaving town at noon

"either be in it or under it.

Love, Anonymous."

I love when you read to me.

You left this on
the kitchen table

hoping that Neal would see it

and think it was from me,
didn't you?

Let him draw
his own conclusions.

I didn't say
it was from his brother.

- Clever, yes?
- Clever? No.

Insensitive? Yes.

Contemptuous? Absolutely.

Neal didn't see it.

If my brother wants to
visit here for a while

he's welcome, ALF.


But if you were more forceful

and less sympathetic
to freeloaders

perhaps he'd get the hint.

I'm ending
this conversation now.

But before I go, I'd like you to
imagine what my being

less sympathetic
to freeloaders might mean

to the fate of another member
of this household.

He's right.

Kate would have been history
a long time ago.

[instrumental music]

- How'd your talk with ALF go?
- Oh.

How do my talks
with ALF usually go?

- I'll get your antacid pills.
- Thanks.

He's just, he's got to
accept the fact

that Neal is gonna be here
for a while.

Just for clarity, exactly how
would you define "a while?"

Oh, Kate, don't you start too.

This-this is my kid brother

and he happens to
need me right now.

Willie, I like Neal very much

but he has always used you
to shield himself

from the real world.

That's not true.

You proposed to his ex-wife
for him.

Neal is shy
and is subject to shingles.

I had no choice.

You are obviously too close
to be objective about this.

- I'm objective.
- No, you're not, honey.

Well, why should I be, anyway?
He's my brother.

Look, all I am saying is

if Neal is serious about putting
his life in order

and putting Margaret behind him,
we're not helping.

No matter how well we're eating.

What are you saying, then?

Look, he needs to
learn to fend for himself.

Maybe he needs a little push.

Besides, this whole situation
is not exactly fair to ALF.

[knocking on door]

Speaking of which..

What is it, ALF?

- Willie?
- Neal?

Sorry to bother you so late.

- Hi, Kate.
- Hi, Neal.

Who's ALF?


Willie was talking to me.
He calls me ALF.

Sort of a pet name.

I'm his little ALF.

Oh, that's darling.

You know, I used to call
Margaret my little chicken taco.

That was her favorite snack.

That, and any kind of beef.

Neal, is there
something you wanted?

Oh. T.P.


Toilet paper.

I'm plumb out, and I used up
all my napkins too.

I'll get you some.

Thank you, ALF.

[instrumental music]


You know, if you eat fast,
you could eat more.

It also adds to the ambience.

I know.


Good morning, dad.

Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF.

ALF, what are you doing
down here?

- Finishing oatmeal with clams.
- Well, go back upstairs.

Neal could come in here
any minute.

I don't think so.
He's gone.

What do you mean gone?

Relax, I don't mean dead.

I saw his boxer shorts
drive by my window.


Kate, Neal drove off
in his camper

early this morning.

That's odd.

Well, I'll just mosey on off

to the television area
if no one minds.

Hold it. Somebody minds.

What do you know about this?

About what?

I want you to look me in the eye

and tell me you didn't write him
another note.

I didn't write him
another note. no attention
to my ears.

Nice try.

I told you this was
none of your concern, didn't I?

Didn't I make it perfectly clear
you were to stay out of this?

Obviously not clear enough.

What exactly did this note say,

Well, I seem to recall,
and I'm paraphrasing now

wearing out your welcome."

Oh, and "deadbeat."

"Sincerely yours,
William Tanner."

You signed my name?

Well, you got mad when I signed
the first one Anonymous.

Is there no pleasing you?

[instrumental music]


What do you call a mushroom that
buys all the drinks?

A fungi to be with.

A fungi to be with.


Ah, I kill me.

Would you like any help?

What did I do
that was so terrible?

You hurt Uncle Neal's feelings
and made him leave.

Before he could fix dinner.

You made my own brother
feel unwelcome in my home.

Well, you made me feel unwelcome
in my home.

Neal was my brother long before
you were ever my, my..

What is he, anyway?

Don't get me started.

[doorbell rings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

ALF, hide in the kitchen, what?

ALF, hide in the kitchen now.

There, was that so hard?

Neal. Oh, come on in.

I'm so glad you came back.

Oh, we are so sorry you left,

- Give me your coat.
- Are you hungry? Mom made...

- What was that, anyway?
- Food.

At any rate,
there's plenty left.

Will you cook dinner tomorrow?


What a reception.

If I didn't know better,
I'd swear you all thought

I was gone for good.

Well, I guess we did.

Listen, about that note..

Oh, come on, Willie.

I saw right through
that old trick of yours.


Didn't your dad ever tell you
about the Marshall Ludwig story?

- Doesn't ring a bell.
- 'Oh.'

Well, when your dad
and I were kids

Marshall Ludwig
was the meanest bully in school.

He was the only fourth grader
with "Love Hate"

tattooed across his knuckles.
I'm not kidding.

And for some reason, I seemed
to be his favorite target.

Oh, quelle surprise.

Marshall had followed me home
from school that day

and told me that
the next day at recess

he was gonna beat me up so hard

I'd be carrying my head around
in my lunchbox.

And this guy right here

said something
that really made sense.

He said, "Neal, you know why
Marshall picks on you?

It's because you're a sissy."

Ugh. Even as youngsters,
those two were boring.

The next time I saw that bully,
I stood up to him and I said

"You wanna stick my head
in my lunchbox

"that's fine with me

because in no way
am I gonna be a sissy."

Didn't I see this
on "The Wonder Years?"

I knew that Willie wrote that
note this morning

so I'd get mad and I'd stop
feeling sorry for myself

and, well, I'd get out there
and grab life by the lapels

and shake my spirit free.

- Neal?
- Yeah?

Don't use that phrase.
Ever again.

It's incredibly stupid

and I rue the day I said it
in the first place.

Roger Wilco.

Neal, don't use that
phrase either.

Now, where have you been
all day? We were worried.

Well, I traded in the camper

and I put a deposit
on an apartment

not half a mile from here.

I applied for a job

and then I called up Margaret

and when she answered the phone

I hung up on her.

That means
you're gonna stay here?

Roger Wil..

It looks like it.

I hereby re-christen
you Uncle Neal.

[instrumental music]


"Dear sissy,
I know where you live

"and I've got a lunchbox
with your name on it.

"I'm out on a technicality

"and I'm heading your wa..


Get out of town.
Best wishes, Marshall Ludwig."


Hiss. Hiss.

- ALF.
- Willie!

Hand that over.

- Oh, my list of errands?
- How many times are we...

'Neal, let me get that
door for you.'

- ALF, go to your attic, quick.
- Yeah, yeah.

"Go to your attic.
Go to your attic." Boy!

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Neal, you are so good
with that baby.

Oh. Hi, Willie.

I don't know when I've ever
seen him sleep so much.

Yeah, thanks, operator.

Hello, Marshall Ludwig?

Oh, hi, Marshall.

Uh, you don't know me

but, uh, I'm about to make you
a very happy man.

[instrumental music]