ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 8 - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - full transcript

With ALF upset over Willie's brother frequently coming to the house, Willie decides that the best thing to do is finally introduce his brother to ALF.


Well, here's an expression

I'm not often called on to use

ALF, your dinner's getting cold.

♪ Uncle Neal has gone away ♪

♪ Doo-da doo-da ♪

♪ I can eat out here today ♪

♪ All doo-day long ♪


♪ Gonna eat all day... ♪♪

ALF, I really don't appreciate
that at all.

Okay. Then you wanna hear

how I changed the words
to "Helter Skelter"?


I'm gonna miss him.

It was fun having
Uncle Neal around.

Hmm. Well, he's just
down the street.

You can go visit him.

I know he's really lonely
since Margaret left him.

Hey, he had a bad marriage.

Who hasn't, right, Willie?

What's Uncle Neal's new
apartment like?

Much too close to this house.

It's nice. It's small

but at least he has more room
than he had in the camper.

I thought the camper was neat.

It had a toilet
right in the shower.

So do we.

Oh, what?
Like you've never done it?

'And here's an old iron
if you don't already have one.'

But be careful because
the squirter is broken.

I'm touched.

Oh, Neal, it's just an old iron.

No, this is the one
I gave you for your wedding.

Oh. Oh, my gosh,
I think.. I think it is.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

What goes around,
comes around.

Thank you.

Well, ready for another load.

Oh, right over there, Willie.

You guys have been
so good to me.

Thanks to you,
I have my own apartment

and I'm embarking
on a whole new adventure.

You know something?

That is the perfect attitude.


So you guys want
to sleep over tonight?

As tempting
as the offer sounds, Neal..

Willie, you feel like
sleeping over at Neal's tonight?

Uh, thanks, Neal, but no.

If you need us though,
for anything

anything at all,
just feel free to call.

Oh, please.

Haven't you done enough already
with all these lovely things?

Thank you.

You've gotta stop thanking us.


I know.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got a job.

Oh, that is good to hear.

Yeah. Thank God, right?

What is it? Tell us.

Well, my landlady
happened to mention

that she needs a new handyman.

It pays zip
and only covers half my rent

so naturally,
I snapped at it.

But, Neal, you've always been
so clumsy with tools.

You remember
that band-saw mishap.

Willie, Grandpa
forgave me for that.

Why can't you?


Neal, have you thought
this thing through?

Shouldn't a handyman have at
least a nodding acquaintance

with how to fix things?

Well, with any luck
the building will be

in really great shape.

If not, I'll be
in really big trouble.

I'll make do.

- I think it's great, Neal.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I better go get
started on my great new life.

Are you sure you guys don't
wanna stay over tonight?

Honey, last chance.

- We'll take a rain check.
- Good.

- Hi, ALF.
- Don't you believe in knocking?

No door.

Well, what if you caught me
at an awkward moment?

Let's just be grateful
that that hasn't happened.

So to what do I owe
the pleasure of your company?

Oh, I was just, uh..

I was looking around
for some other things

that Neal might be able to use
in his new apartment.


No, don't take those.

Why not?

Well, I was planning
on using them.


When I got married.

If the day ever comes
that you get married..

I promise you, I'll buy you
a whole new set of saucepans.

And I'll dance on them.

It could happen.

Look at Anne Bancroft
and Mel Brooks.

He could have anybody he wants.

No, not that.

You can't give him that.

Well, ALF, this is just
an old fan.

It's not just any old fan.

I use it to scrape my calluses.

Keep it.

Well, if you see anything else
you like,

by all means, take it.

Say, what's your problem,

Ever since Neal showed up, you
made me feel about as welcome

as a low doorknob
at a nudist colony.

Neal is getting his own
apartment now, ALF.

Hopefully things will be
returning to normal here.

I should think
that would make you happy.

'Willie, you up there?'

- No.

I mean, yeah.

- Under the bed.
- Okay, I will.

And I won't let this degrade me
at all, in case you're worried.

Morning, Willie.
I thought I heard you up here.

Yeah, yeah.

I was just looking for some more
stuff for your new apartment.

What, are you taking
in boarders now?

Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed.

You know how attached kids can
get to their old furniture.

Especially after they wet it.

Well, it's nice to know
you've stuck to the old values.

Oh, hey, I could really use
this, Willie.

♪ Like a virgin ♪

♪ Touched for the very
first time ♪

♪ Like a virgin.. ♪♪

The speed's all off.

You don't want that.

Oh, hey, it's your old
Clairmont High yearbook.


I know. Let's look at it later.

That's where
I first met Margaret.

Future Farmers.

I know.

Boy, that gal could
really take down a steer.

Funny what first attracts
you to a woman.

Let's, uh..

Let's go look in the garage, eh?

Willie, you gotta stop sometime.

I only have a one-bedroom

If he wasn't the brother
of my meal ticket

I'd clean his clock.

ALF, everybody, dinner's ready.

So to what do I owe the honor

of being asked
to dine at your table?

Oh, stop being so dramatic
and get in your seat.

Neal finally decided
to eat at his place tonight.

It's been so long since
I was allowed to eat with you.

Which seat is mine?

It's.. It's all so hazy.

You can always eat
upstairs, you know.

I took a guess.

ALF, what are you doing here?

I used to be a phenomenon.

Now I'm reduced to a,
"What are you doing here?"

What's he doing here?

I was invited,
if you don't mind.

Check your guest list.

You mean Uncle Neal's
not coming?


The warmth is suffocating.

- ALF.
- I was invited!

I was just gonna say

I'm glad you were able
to join us.


Well, thank you.

Now, shall we dine?

So, Brian,
what grade are you in now?

ALF, you haven't
been up there that long.

Well, it's hard
to keep track of time

when there's no light.

- I've missed these dinners.
- Me too, babe.

'It's Neal.'

I thought I felt a sudden chill.

Will you please
just go to the kitchen?

Stay, go, stay, go.

I could be a police dog
after this.

- Hey, Neal.
- Hi, Willie.

- Hi, everybody.
- 'Hey, Uncle Neal.'

Oh, gosh, you're having dinner.
I can come back at another time.

- No, no, no.
- Uh, what's going on?

I got my first fix-it job
at the building

and I thought I might need
a few more tools.

What do you have?

Well, I have a Swiss Army knife
and a mess of good intentions.

I'll, uh..
I'll see what I've got.

Oh, thanks.

Why don't you go ahead
and finish your dinner?

I can get it myself.

Neal, would you like to join
us for dinner?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I couldn't impose.

Besides, you must be
expecting somebody.

No. Actually, no,
we were hoping you'd stop by.


Well, if it's not
too much trouble.

Oh, don't be silly.

Then I guess I should
probably go tell...Meatloaf.

Get the meatloaf.

I'll just go get the meatloaf.

You know, meatloaf, that
was Margaret's favorite meal.

Sometimes on a Sunday

she'd make four or five pounds
of it at a time.

And then she'd freeze it?


He's never leaving.

He knows a good thing.

He's like a fly
on a meadow muffin.

Look, ALF, as soon as Uncle Neal
gets a full-time job

and makes a few friends,
he won't be around so much.

You'll see.

Well, it's time I took
a stand around here.

Either he goes or I go.

'Oh, Neal.'

And it looks like
the I's have it.


- Morning, sweetheart.
- Good morning, Willie.

- Good Lord, what was that?
- Your brother.

He has been here since
6 o'clock this morning

and right now,
he is taking out our trash.


You have to empty the cans
before you can wash them

and paint them with our names
in a bold, contrasting color.

Well, at least that way
when the Ochmoneks take them

we'll have proof.

Willie, I thought you were gonna
talk to your brother about..

getting a life.

What do you mean?
He has a life.

Yes, our life.
And I'd like it back, thank you.

Kate, he's never had to make

such a difficult
adjustment before.

Well, neither have we.

Don't sit.

He stain-guarded
our furniture, Willie.

We've been meaning
to get to that for months.

Oh, good, you're both here.

I had a thought.

You know what would look great
in your backyard?

A topiary garden.

You.. You wanna make animals
out of our bushes?

That's right.

There's a seal
in your back hedge

just flapping to get out.

I don't know.

I don't think
we're zoned for that.

I'll check.


I'll start breakfast.

Alright. Admit it, Willie.

You have a blind spot when it
comes to your brother Neal.

But what about ALF?

This is not fair for him.

It's harder on him than anybody.

It wouldn't hurt for him to show

a little compassion
about this, you know.

Didn't you promise ALF

that when Neal moved he wouldn't
have to hide anymore?

And he won't. Someday.

Now he's just being close-minded
and stubborn about it.

Okay. That may be, Willie

but when I ran into ALF
this morning, he hissed at me.

- What?
- He hissed.

And he meant it.

- I'll talk to him.
- Okay.

ALF, we have to talk.

There'll be no more hissing.

Well, make it fast.

I've got a date with destiny.

Where do you think
you're going?

Who knows?

I'm gonna stick out my thumb,
show a little leg

and see where the road takes me.

You know, you're really making
this whole thing

into a lot more
than it really is.

Oh, am I?

Please forgive me.

I've been so intolerant.

ALF, can't you understand?

Neal is family.

I can't just turn him away.

So, what am I, a pet?

Is that it?

Because I'll tell you
something, Willie.

That's how I'm made to feel
around here sometimes.

I'm sorry that's how you feel.

Sometimes I think you'd rather
drive me out to the desert..

toss me away and leave me
to the coyotes.

ALF, you've gotta stop listening
at our door.

- You're kidding, right?
- Yeah.

Oh, ha, ha.

Face it, Willie. You can't keep
treating me like this.

After all, I'm a person.

Well, technically I'm not, but
I still have feelings like one.

I'm sorry, ALF,
of course you have feelings.

But so does he.
So does my brother.

So, what should I do?

Well, I was hoping
to avoid this..

but since it looks like it's
gonna be a permanent situation

why don't I just introduce
the two of you?

Get a clue.

I don't like him.

Well, you don't even know him.

And I don't like him.

Imagine if I met him.

Come on, ALF.

It'd make everything a whole lot
easier for everybody.

And besides, I'm sure the two
of you would get along great.


Oh, you're just being childish.

Am not, am not, am not.

Alright. Suit yourself.

Stick out your thumb,
show some leg..

because that's the best
I can offer.

And frankly,
I've seen your legs

and trust me,
you're not going anywhere.

That's one man's opinion.

Look, you can either meet him
or stay hidden up here.

It's your choice.

Alright, I'll meet him.

Hand me that fan,

I wanna scrape off my feet.

Hey, just because I don't like
him doesn't mean I'm not vain.


Maybe meeting Neal
isn't such a good idea.

It's gonna be fine.

ALF, you two
are gonna get along great.

He's a wonderful guy
with a terrific sense of humor.

I'm not gonna marry him, if
that's what you're getting at.

Now, when Neal gets here,

I don't think you should
be in the room.

Uh, not right away, anyway.

I'm gonna need time
to prepare him for the shock..


Pleasure of your company.

Why don't I just leap
out of a closet at him?

If he dies, you won't
have to explain a thing.

He's here.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't go through with this.

My heart's racing
like a schoolboy.

Will you relax?

You're just meeting my brother.

It's not the pope.

I'd rather meet the pope.

I love his hats.

ALF, go into the kitchen
and we'll call you

when it's time
to come out, okay?

Alright, alright.

It'll give me some time
to spread butter on my feet.

- Neal. Hi.
- Hi, Kate.

Hi, everyone.

- Neal.
- Hey, Uncle Neal.

How's the new apartment?

Did you get the electricity
turned on okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Looks pretty drab
now that I can see everything.

But hey, it's home.

Hi, Uncle Neal. Hope
you haven't had too much coffee.

No. Why?

Oh, you know my brother.

Always concerned
for people's welfare.

So, what did you guys
wanna talk to me about?

Sit down, Neal.

There's really no easy way
to say this.

Um, there's something
about our household

that you don't know.

Something pretty unique.

Something we've kept a secret.

It's something
that you might find

hard to accept at first.

Is it something to do
with Brian?

I wish it was that simple.

What do you mean?

What does she mean?

Uh, I don't know how to say
this without sounding crazy

so I'm just gonna
come out and say it.

Neal, we have an alien
living with us.

He's an alien from space.

We have an alien
from space living with us.

He's a part of our family now.

That's why we thought
you two should meet.

You guys.

I know this is hard
to accept, Neal

but the fact is..

we've had an alien from space
living with us forever.

I mean, for almost
three years now.

Oh, I see. Let me guess.

He always wants
to phone home, right?

You laugh, but we did have
to lock out the 9-7-6 numbers.

Remember, honey?


I guess the best thing would be
to just have you meet him.


You guys are gonna carry this
right to the end, aren't you?

ALF, you can come in here now.


It's so good to meet you.

So sorry I doubted you.

Oh, where is he?

He must be hiding.

He didn't wanna meet you.

Well, he's probably shy.

No, he just doesn't like you.

Brian, can you go try
to find him, please?

We're not kidding, Neal.

This is real.

Come on.

Do you all really believe this?

I mean, is this something
you've actually seen?

In haunting clarity.


You must be Neal.

I'm Gordon Shumway.

Did I kill him?

Oh, my God, you're for real.

Yeah, yeah, let's get past this.

I'm an alien and you're not.


This is gonna take
some time to sink in.

Well, while you're in a daze..

let me show you where your
brother keeps his band saw.

I'm being insulted
by an alien from space.

Get used to it.

Uh, can I touch you?

Not without dinner and a show.

I have a million questions
I wanna ask you.

I'm sure. Keep them
to yourself, huh?

Now, enough of this small talk.

Let's get down to business.

I understand
you're quite the cook.

Do you eat like earthlings?

Do I eat like earthlings?

Willie, tell him.

He eats.

He doesn't chew.

I don't know what to say.

This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

Kate's right.

Get a life.


Well, he may as well know.

I mean, we're all family now.

So in other words,
what you're saying is..

except for having eight stomachs

you're really not special
in any way.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Hey, are you gonna play, or are
you gonna jabber on all night?


Well, I thought you said
this pointy guy

could only move diagonally.

Did I say that?

Well, what I meant was
it can only move diagonally..

except when the move follows
the taking of an odd number

of the opponent's men
from the board.


You sure you've never played
this game before?

No, this is my first time.

Good. Let's play for money.

Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.