ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 6 - Hooked on a Feeling - full transcript

Did you get my breath mints?

Oh, I'm sorry, Alf. I forgot.

Okay, but you're the one

who has to live with it.

[exhales]

I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.

Honey, did you get
any more cotton swabs?

The tips are missing
from all of these

and I can't help but feel

you probably know
something about this.

Moths. It was moths.



Is that the best
you can come up with?

I've got 'em, dad.
Here, Alf.

At least we remembered
your cotton balls.

What are you doing
with all this cotton?

I've been experimenting
with some new menu ideas.

You mean you're eating it?

Yeah, I also tried
attic insulation

but it left me feeling
bloated and unattractive.

It's funny that way.

But the cotton..

Ah, the cotton!

All the flavor
of a fine polyester

with none of the
unpleasant aftertaste.

Mm.



[theme music]

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Ha! Ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Alf?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just a second, Kate.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha..

Alf, are you aware that
that television isn't on?

Ha..

I wasn't watching TV.

Well, what are you
laughing at, then?

Son of a gun, I don't remember.

Was I laughing?

Are you okay, Alf?

Hey! What say we get naked
and do some chanting?

Well, look at that.

I'm halfway there! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Say, Alf, uh, do you ever think

that all this cotton
you're eating

could be affecting your moods?

Definitely.

Don't you think you
should cut down?

Why? What have you got
against cotton?

Y'all Yankees? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I think you should
cut down, Alf.

Uh, here, let me help..

Alf. Alf!

Let me have this.
I'll ration it out for you.

Alright, but now those
Cheech and Chong movies

are gonna lose some
of their poignancy.

[crickets chirping]

♪ New York ♪

(Alf)
'Hey, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.'

'I'm announcing my retirement.'

'Goodnight, and I love you.'

♪ New York ♪♪

- Huh? Huh? Honey?
- Huh? What?

- Did you say something?
- No.

I was just thinking
how Sinatra's voice

has slipped over the years.

Uh, I'm sorry.

- Hm?
- Huh?

Go to sleep.

Mm.

[Alf humming]

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

I don't suppose we were
having the same dream.

I don't know.
How were your seats?

♪ Da da da da da ♪

(Alf)
'Now just the women sing!'

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

Thank you! Thank you very much!

It's good to be back.

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪♪

Alf! Quiet!

Liza! Sammy! Dino!

Hey! Why don't we all
tour together?

I thought I told
you no more cotton.

I know what you're thinking.

And you're worried
about our supply.

But this book here says

there's this land called Alabama

where cotton practically
grows on trees.

Alf...it's almost 2 o'clock
in the morning, okay?

Thanks. Last call.

Here. Everybody rip off a piece
and pass it around.

We're not eating any pillow.

Then how do you intend
to stay awake

for our drive to Alabama, huh?

Nobody's going to Alabama.

This is really gonna
bum out the band.

We are all gonna
go back to sleep.

You're gonna stop singing
and send the band home.

Okay. But I never got treated
like this at the golden nugget.

♪ Da da da da da ♪♪

Bri, did you tell Alf
breakfast is ready?

- No.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh...

[Alf yawns]

Hi, Alf.

Oh, somebody do something.

You could neuter me.
I don't care.

I just want the anesthetic.

Oh..

Well, I hope
you learned your lesson.

About what?

Would you like some aspirin?

Thanks. Would you get it for me?

Sure.

I never get past
that childproof cap.

Would you like some juice
with these?

Please.

I saw that.

Saw what?

I saw you take that cotton.

Brian did it!

Me? No, I didn't.

He's lying! J'accuse!

That's enough of that.

I saw you take that cotton
with my own eyes.

I don't have to take this!

Now, I may be small,
but I'm scrappy.

Come on! Who wants a piece?

Oh..

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

Admit it, Alf.

You have a cotton problem.

We only want to help you.

Then stop trying to
make me feel guilty.

Now, I say we go into
the living room and dance!

Who's with me?

I know what you're thinking.

He doesn't have the guts
to dance alone.

Ha! Well, that's
where you're wrong.

'I'm doing it!
I'm dancing alone!'

'And there's no music!'

Oh..

Just for the sake of argument

suppose I do have a problem?

Alf, please don't stare at me.

Oh! Was I staring?

Yes.

Still are.

Trust me, you're not gonna
feel like this forever.

Yeah, Alf. Hang in there.
We're all with you.

Thank you, Lynnie.

Willie, I need cotton bad!

No. No more cotton.

I know, I know.

And you're right!
I had a terrible problem.

And I thank you
for pointing it out.

But now I have it under control.

Ha. I do.

As you can see.

Alf, we're seeing
more than you think.

Who asked you?!

Willie, my man, my best friend

what do you say
we go into the den

put on some Helen Reddy,
and get fibered?

No.

Then who needs you?

I don't know what else to do

but ride this out

hide all my underwear.

It's too bad we can't find

some sort of a support group
that could help him.

Joanie's mom
went to one of those

when she quit smoking.

She joined this group
that helps people

control their compulsive habits.

She gained 50 pounds

and her fingers are stubs,
but it worked.

What a great idea.

I think first thing tomorrow

I'm gonna throw him
in the car and drive him

down to the Betty Ford clinic.

Well, no, but maybe
we could find a group

that would be willing
to meet with him here.

What are you gonna tell 'em

that he's some sort of
a rare talking dog

with a cotton disorder?

Okay. Right.
I have got a crazy idea.

You want me to take part
in that group, don't you?

That's a great idea, dad.

See, that way, Alf
could hide in the kitchen

and listen through
the pass-through.

I don't want to make
a fool of myself

in front of strangers...again.

Since Alf's been here

you've gotten
so awfully good at it.

(Alf)
'Hallelujah!'

'The mother lode!'

Willie, he's got
the lint screen.

Alf, give me the lint screen.

Yeah? Come and get it!

I think it's time
we make that call.

[hisses]

While you're at it, see if
you can get me a stun gun.

Don't make me use this.

[hisses]

Kate, these people
you invited over

seem really messed up.

That's why they're here, Alf

to discuss their problems,
and with the group's help

try to cope with them.

Who's the fat broad?

Oh, real nice.

Sorry. The woman with the..

Yeah, sure...gland problem.

That's Rita.
She's trying to quit smoking.

And is eating cat food
part of her therapy?

This is pate, thank you.

Oh, I don't care what kind
of fancy handle you put on it.

It's still cat food!

Will you just keep quiet
and listen.

We have all gone
to a lot of trouble for you.

How much trouble does it take

to open up a couple
of cans of kitty queen?

This is not cat food!

Hello.

Oh, ho ho.

Thanks.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

Yes, Rita.
You mentioned that last tray.

Thank you, no.
I've given up eating.

You know,
when you're not smoking

the hardest thing to do

is to figure out what to do
with your hands.

Is there anything on that tray

you don't want?

So, how long have
you two been in this..

...support group?

Everybody, let's take our seats.

We're late starting the meeting.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, no, thank you, Rita.

Unfortunately, you, uh,
caught me on a good day.

Everyone, we have
a new member with us.

Willie.

Hello.

Hi, Willie.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Would you like to tell us
what brought you to our meeting?

Oh!

I just thought I'd sit here
and listen if you don't mind

it's, it's my first time.

Well, Willie, the way it works

is that everyone
takes their turn speaking.

See that puts us all
on an equal footing.

Besides there are some who might
resent you if you didn't.

I know I would.

Okay.

I'm, uh..

I'm..

I'm, uh..

I'm trying to quit smoking.

Your wife told us you were
afraid to leave your house.

That's right. That, too.

Why do you think you smoke?

[snorts]
Don't have a clue.

Would you excuse me,
uh, just for a minute?

Willie! Don't you know
how to knock?

You were going to eat
that dish towel, weren't you?

This?
Oh, I was just smelling it.

Hoping for a contact high.

[sniffs]

If you would've eaten
that dish towel

I would've been very angry.

That's a sentence I never
thought I hear myself say.

Where's Kate?

She went to get more pate.

But I told her there's still
half a can of cat foot

left in the fridge.

Alf, they want to know
why I smoke.

Willie, you smoke?

I want to help you, Alf,
I really, really do.

But you have to want
to get better, too.

Now, seriously

why do you think
you need to eat cotton?

I don't know.

But surely you can't
be happy like this.

You're right, I'm not!
I'm a wreck!

Oh, Willie, I've got
a monkey on my back.

It's a mean monkey

and it's hassling
all the tourists for money.

- Make him go!
- 'Willie?'

Well, I hate for you
to see me like this.

Is my mascara running?

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna try to
steer the conversation

around to something
that you can relate to.

But this time,
you have to listen.

You understand?

Alright, alright.

Hey.
Reformed smokers are the worst.

Uh, I'm sorry.

So..

You want me to continue.

Uh, well, I guess
my habit started

as something that I, I enjoyed

but then I,
I couldn't control.

You know, that's how it was
with my hand washing.

It was really fun at first

and then suddenly
I just couldn't stop.

Are you under a lot of stress?

If you only knew.

It's amazing you haven't
blown up like a balloon.

Get off my back.

You see, uh..

I don't get out all that much

and, uh, I think I must feel
kind of bad about that

don't you think?

Why, you afraid of open spaces?

Or is it the crowds?

And the germs?

And the pushing and the touching
and the sweating..

Ron, put that back. Be strong.

This isn't the time
to backslide.

You see, um..

I, uh..

I guess what it amounts to
is, uh

I'm afraid I might be
seen by somebody.

Because I'm not
from around here

and, uh..

...I don't think
people would understand.

Where are you from?

- Ohio.
- 'Ohio?'

Hey, I'm from Ohio.

Do you know Dr. Bisnick?

Do you ever think
that everything

is gonna come
crashing down around you

burying you in an avalanche
of hopelessness?

I don't wanna hog all your time.

(Alf)
'Willie!'

That must be..

...my wife.

Won't you excuse me?

He's more messed up than I am.

Wh-what is it, Alf?

I don't know. Help me, Willie.

I'm scared.

Don't be afraid, Alf.

Look, you want to eat cotton.

Now, why? What's the reason?
Think.

Please, just one bite
of your pants

down by the cuff. I'm begging!

No, no, you don't want that.

- I do!
- No, you don't!

For once I wish people would
stop telling me what I want!

How do you know what I want?

I want..

Oh, I wanna go outside.

I wanna see someone
who looks like me.

I'm lonely, Willie.

I want to go home!

I understand, Alf.
I, I, I understand.

(Howard)
'Willie? We're waiting.'

I miss my family, my friends

party games you'd never let me
play in a million years.

(Howard)
'Willie?'

I, I gotta go talk to Howard..

No, d-don't leave me!

- I..
- Please.

I won't. I-I won't leave you.

I'll be there in a minute,
Howard!

I miss Saturday night
aphid chews.

I miss my friends.

Especially Rhonda.

I remember one night
after harness racing

she was helping me out
of my bridle.

I had no idea.

Alf, you always
joke about Melmac.

Well, it wasn't
the most together planet.

But still...
how'd you like to be

the only member of your species?

Sometimes I feel like I am.

But you have a family, Willie.

When you're, when you're
talking with little Eric

talking that baby talk

you look so, so,
so ridiculous.

It makes me realize

I'm never gonna be able to look
half that ridiculous

with a little one of my own.

You can be ridiculous
with our family

anytime you want.

And you are.

Ah, just not the same.

There's a bond that you have

that I never will.

[knock on door]
'Willie?'

Alf, quick. Under the table.

[knocking continues]

'Willie?'

- Hello, Willie.
- Hello.

- Where's your wife?
- Kate?

She's, uh, gone
to get more pate.

Who was that yelling about
wanting to go home?

Oh..

That would have to be me.

Isn't this your home?

Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you.
I feel much better.

Now, I can't help you with
the yelling at yourself part.

That's more than this group
can possibly give you.

He's right.

I know.

I understand. Thank you.

And say goodbye to the others
for me, will you?

Of course. Goodbye.

This is going to disappoint Ron.

I'm sorry you're lonely, Alf.

Thanks.

Well, eating cotton
never solved anything.

There's another sentence
I never thought

I'd hear myself say.

You gonna be okay?

I think so.

Talking about it helps.

Hey, you should try it.

Maybe it'll help you
kick cigarettes.

I don't smoke!

Oh, so you can dish it out,
but you can't take it.

Come on! I've been there.
Talk to me.

Don't dance alone.

I'll remember that. Thanks.

Hey, no sweat, and tomorrow

go out and buy yourself
some new underwear.

My treat.

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da.. ♪♪

Aah!

Alf, were you having
that dream again?

Yeah.

Being clean and sober's
gonna be a lot harder

than I thought.

Oh..

♪ Da da da ♪

♪ Da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da.. ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

[theme music]

Ha-ha-ha!