ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 3 - Wanted: Dead or Alive - full transcript

After ALF watches "Crimestoppers" and sees a guy resembling Willie who is wanted for polygamy, he tries to hide Willie. When the FBI takes Willie in for question following an anonymous tip, everyone assumes that ALF called it in.

Mind if I change the channel?

Shh, I'm watching something.

Thanks. You're a champ.
Hand me the remote.

- No.
- But I've seen this before.

The guy gets gang-hoofed by
a bunch of really stupid cows.

- ALF.
- Okay, they're smart cows.

They just freak in large groups.

Would you be quiet?

You're not getting your way

just because you spoiled
the end of my movie.

I didn't spoil it.

It ends with his girlfriend
going insane

and singing about corn.

It was Shelley Winters'
finest moment.

- ALF!
- But "Crime Stoppers" is on.

I am not watching
"Crime Stoppers" again.

What's wrong with a show
that asks its viewers

to hunt down dangerous felons
for a buck?

It's base and demeaning.

Well, excuse me,
Miss Brideshead Revisited.

Okay. Here. You win.

You always win.

Nice kid,
but she's got no taste.

Our next suspect has left
a trail of broken hearts

and empty bank accounts,
all across this country.

Not another TV evangelist.

Our suspect is wanted
for polygamy and fraud.

He was last seen in Tallahassee
seven years ago

'after marrying at least
eight different women'

'and bilking them out of'

hundreds of thousands
of dollars.

Have you seen him?


He's in the kitchen.

Victims who have come forward
have described our suspect

as anything from boring
to nondescript.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew
Willie was hiding something.

The way he keeps to himself

pretending he doesn't enjoy
our company.

But I always thought
if Willie was a criminal

he'd be one of those
quiet sniper types.

'The state of Florida
is offering a $10,000 reward'

'for information
leading to his capture.'

Do you really think it's Willie?

Well, add up the clues.
Look at the guy.

Same weak chin, same
high forehead, same slopy eyes.

Apparently, some women found it
a noble chin

a classic forehead
and bedroom eyes.

What are you,
starting to fall for him?

No, honey. However, if he is
the man they're looking for

he must have something
women want.

And maybe,
if you asked Willie nicely

he'd show you what it is.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it wouldn't hurt
for you to learn something

about romancing
the opposite sex.

I'm already married.
Why bother?

- You're such a lug.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe this lug is just
gonna call that 800 number

and claim his $10,000 reward.

Willie Tanner, or whoever he is
this week, is our friend.

He has never done anything
to us, and particularly to me.

And until he does,
we're gonna leave him alone.

'If you have any information
on our suspect'

we ask that you
not confront him directly.

Warning a suspect will likely
put him back on the run.

I can't believe it!

My Willie, a stud?


But what if Willie is this guy?

Will I turn him in or hide him?

The high road or the low road?

Oh, why can't things
ever be black or white?

Hi, ALF.
What you watchin'?

Uh, nothing that had to do
with your father

if that's what you're implying.

- Okay.
- But since you brought it up..

- How is your father?
- I guess he's fine.

You have any brothers or sisters
you don't know about?

ALF, have you been hitting
the catnip again?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just wanna know, how long have
you known your cad? Dad, dad!

- All my life, I guess.
- Is that right.

What about when you were
between the ages

of, say, zero and three?

Those years
are pretty much a blur.

Ah-ha! So it's possible!

He may have gone on side trips

to a place called Tallahassee,
for instance.

Lynn's here. Can I go now?

Yeah. Nice jawing with ya.

- What's with him?
- Beats me.

He's been acting
really weird lately.

- Hey, Lynn.
- Hmm?

Has your father ever left
for long periods of time

then come back with less energy

pockets full of money,
and a big smile on his face?

Why didn't I go away to college?

Well, the kids are a wash.

And I can't ask Willie about it
or he'll skip town

leaving me with Kate,
a woman scorned.

Well, at least there'd be
no personality change.

Catching a few Z's?

- Not at the moment.
- Oh.

Well, since you're having
trouble sleeping

have you ever thought
about changing your appearance?

No, I haven't.

Go away.

- ALF?
- Yeah?

Why did you just put
a wig on my head?

Pretty natural, huh?

Why are you doing this to me?

You know what they say, Willie,
it's the wig that makes the man.

I'm not wearing a wig.

- Certainly not that one.
- Okay.

Then perhaps these glasses
would enhance

your already
ruggedly-handsome face

- ALF.
- Alright, then try these.

You know what they say
about men with big ears..

What-what are you doing
with all this stuff?

Well, you wanna look dapper
for that cruise, don't you?

- Cruise?
- Yes, Willie Tanner.

You have won a luxury cruise
to the Bahamas!

A cruise?

You mean you won
a radio contest or something?

Yeah, that works.

Of course, it doesn't include
airfare, meals, gratuities

or the actual cruise itself.

Go out the back way.

The only place I'm going
is to take a nap.

Good, then wear the ears.
You'll sleep better.


Willie? Uh..

No, Willie doesn't
live here anymore.

He's, uh, he's in the Bahamas,
diving for spare change.

Hey, he's
following his dream. Bye.

- Who were you just talking to?
- Uh, no one.

I know what you were doing,
you were checking up

on Willie, weren't you?

So what if I was?

Trevor, you leave
that man alone.

- Did he ask about me?
- No.

He disguised his voice and
said he moved to the Bahamas.

Raquel, the guy's guilty as sin.

Well, then that means
that he's guilty of.. Ooh!

- That does it.
- What are you doing?

- You are not turning him in.
- Be strong, Raquel.

Don't give in to your urges.
You never have in the past.

Then I refuse to be a party
to this.

The man committed a crime.

We can't ignore our civic duty.

And don't ask me to compromise
my morals.

Hello, "Crime Stoppers?"

I hope you're ready
to cough up ten grand.

Hi, St. John's Hospital?

I'd like some information
on face transplants.

No, I'm quite happy with mine,
thank you.

It's for a friend.

- ALF.
- I'll call you back.

ALF, why would you wanna know
about...face transplants?

Well, I thought it'd be nice to
see some new faces around here.

We're happy with the old ones.

Thanks, just the same.

Okay, your call.

- Honey?
- Yes, dear.

Have you seen my shoes?

- What, the brown wingtips?
- No. Any of them?

They're all gone.

Now you can stay around
the house and out of trouble.

I know, let's spend the day
in the middle of the room

and stay away from the windows.

I'll get it.

- Get me my shoes.
- I can't.

Get me my shoes.

Trust me.
You have beautiful feet.

Display them proudly.



These gentlemen are here
to see you.

They say they're from...the FBI.


Mind if we come in, sir?

- No, of course not.
- What is this about?

Can I tell them?
Can I tell them?

Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

Uh, we'd like you
to come downtown

and answer the charges
of embezzlement

interstate trafficking, fraud,
and here's the biggie, polygamy.

Get your shoes.

Polygamy? That-that is absurd.

You obviously
have the wrong man.

Oh, well, then it's our mistake.
Sorry for the trouble.

We'll be on our way.

See, everybody thinks
we're just all business.

Where could you possibly
get the idea

that I could ever be guilty
of any of those things?

Somebody matching
your description

was plastered all over
"Crime Stoppers" last night.

A greedy viewer turned you in.

What's going on?

These men are from the FBI.

They seem to think
I resemble somebody they want.

Is it someone
who comes from Tallahassee?

What do you know
about Florida, son?

Uh, somebody asked me
if dad had ever been there.

Ah, now I'm beginning
to understand

the source of the confusion.

So could you clue us in?

Actually, no, I can't.

- Would you come with us?
- Oh, is that really necessary?

I mean, couldn't you just leave
a questionnaire behind

or something?
I-I-I swear I'll be honest.

It isn't gonna work.

We know all about
the Bahamian getaway.

How'd you know about that?
I mean.. What?

Oh, I mean..

Never mind.

Let's go.

Aren't you gonna
take your shoes?

I don't have any.

Next Father's Day,
you ought to drop a hint.

Willie's been caught.

Kate thinks I turned him in.

I'm gonna end up hung by my neck
in a Chinese deli.

'ALF, get in here!'


I'll give you two hints,
and then that's it.

"Irreconcilable Differences,"
"The Main Event."

Oh. I got it.

- Bad Shelley Long movies.
- Nope.

- Okay, I give up.
- Bad Ryan O'Neal movies.

- Oh.
- "Paper Moon."

No, that was a good one.

- "Oliver's Story."
- Ooh!

"Fever Pitch," "Partners,"
"So Fine."

Oh, shoot me
and get it over with.

Nobody's shooting anybody yet.

Just wait in here
with the others.

We'll process you
as soon as we can.



Oh, who threw their gum
on the floor?


Too bad this isn't a pine box.

Could we discuss this
after you've calmed down

and I've had time
to make travel arrangements?

ALF, I don't understand you.

Did I mention I'm a bleeder?

How could you do this to Willie

after all the things
that he's done for you?

I knew you'd finger me.
Hence the box.

But you're wrong, Kate.
I didn't turn him in.


You saw the show,
you grilled Lynn and Brian

you jumped to conclusions,
and somebody did call the FBI.

Well, sure, when you group them
all together like that

it sounds bad.

But I was only trying
to keep him from running away.

Willie is not a polygamist.

Oh, sure, Kate!

But just in case
he's gone forever

we still have his memories.

And his house.

And we can find a way to keep it
if you agree to work nights.

I cannot talk to you now.
I am too mad!

Is that 24-hour mad

or dissect-the-alien mad?

If you wake up, you'll know.

Um, excuse me,
uh, do you have a moment?

- How.. Yeah. What is it?
- Well..

The guys and I were wondering
if you wanted

to get in on our pool?

- What are you betting on?
- Oh, ha.

Well, which one of us,
if any, is guilty.

Costs $5 to buy in.

Uh, I'm not sure that that
would really be appropriate.

Can you vote for yourself?

I'm in.

Tanner? Your story checked.
You're free to go.

What a relief. Kate must be
worried sick by now!

Hey, wait, wait!

Where are you going?
I'm Willie Tanner. Remember?

Well, you guys
all look alike to me.

Nice try, Mr. Fusco.

Well, Trevor, Raquel.

- 'What are you doing here?'
- Uh, uh, Tanner.

Uh, Raquel is thinking
of getting into law enforcement.

Isn't that right, Raquel?

Trevor, they've stripped him
of his shoes.

I told you it could get ugly.

You'd better get used to that
if you wanna wear the badge.

Oh, shut up!

Well, on your way home,
eh, Mr. Tanner?

I know
we're not supposed to say this

but you looked so darned scared.

Sorry, guy.

Well, Mr. Ochmonek, turns out
your boy isn't a polygamist.

He's just a barefoot
social worker.

You turned me in?

Ho-how could you?

You know, come to think of it,
his eyes are kind of slopy.

Yeah, you look exactly
like the guy on TV.

Well, of course. For heaven's
sake, pick up the phone

and have me hauled in.

That's exactly what we did.
What are you whining about?

I can't believe this. After all
these years of being neighbors.

I can't believe you'd sell me
out for a few thousand dollars.


Look, I'm really,
very, very sorry.

But it is nice to know I can
still dredge up a fantasy life.

Thank you.

- Need a ride?
- Are you starting again?

No, I can't.

I have to stay home
until my dad gets out of prison.


It's something about
marrying lots of women

and taking all their money.

But I'm not allowed
to talk about it. Bye.

Oh, it's your dad!

But why is he getting out
of the Ochmoneks' car?

- Does he look hardened?
- It's a tough call.

But he did just kick over
one of their lawn flamingos.

- Hi, everybody.
- Dad, you're free!

Oh, honey,
I'm so glad you're home!

We missed you, dad.

- Was jail horrible?
- Oh, uh..

Would've been nicer with shoes.

All I want now is to sit down
to a nice quiet supper

and put this whole mess
behind me.

Willie! Oh, Willie,
I knew you were innocent!

I'm so excited, I could leave
a spot right here on the carpet!

Honey, I'm gonna
tell you something

that I never thought
I would ever say.

What, you weren't voted
Miss Congeniality, were you?

That would almost be
easier to accept.

Thee fact of the matter is,
ALF here

had nothing to do with this.

It was the Ochmoneks
that turned me in.


♪ Oh when the saints come
marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints..
Everybody, come on! ♪♪

ALF, I hate to
interrupt a good gloat

but why didn't you come to me

if you thought
I was in trouble?

'Cause the man on TV said
that if you were the guy

you might take it on the lam.

I didn't wanna lose ya.

You were trying to hide me.

That's what all that stuff
was for, isn't it?

Hey, I figured after all these
years of you protecting me

it was the least
I could do for you.

I have to admit,
that's a very noble gesture.

Done in an all-too-familiar
twisted way.


Honey, why don't you go wash
your feet? We'll have dinner.

Kids, you wanna set the table?
I'll be in in just a second.

Well, ALF, uh, it seems
that I owe you an apology.

I said a lot of things to you
that were unfair

and if I hurt you, I'm sorry.

Why is it I get along with
everybody else in this family

but you and I
never seem to click?

My guess is, it's you.

We're clicking, we're clicking.

What's so funny?

Nothing, honey.

It's that polygamy thing again,
isn't it?

No, honey. It's j-just
something I'm reading.

Stockpiling Nerve Gas."

That Muammar, what a prankster!

Okay, okay, I..

Honey, I was just trying to
imagine you with all of those..

All of those women.

I mean, no,
not that it couldn't happen.

I still find you
totally irresistible.


- Apology accepted.
- Okay.

Let's drop it.

No, keep going, Kate!

Come on, we've both seen him
in the shower.

We're dropping this conversation
right now, thank you.

Well, if you need me,
I'll be down on the corner

listening to rap music
with the bros.

Wait, wait, wait.
Where do you think you're going?

Say what?

That's not much
of a disguise, you know?

You're right,
if I had a little black bow

I could go as Rose Marie.