ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 2 - Lies - full transcript

After ALF invites a tabloid crew over to the Tanner household for an interview, they take a few photos before Willie asks them to leave. However, when it is learned that ALF might be in one of those photos, Willie must stall the c...

Brian. Game starts
in half an hour.

Willie, Timmy's mother told me
they call the pitcher

on the other team
"The Headhunter."

What do you suppose that means?

It means Brian will probably
get on base tonight.

Mom, dad, I feel lucky.

Don't forget to wear
your batting helmet.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, ALF.

We're gonna go to Brian's game
and then out for pizza.

You want us
to bring you anything?

I'm too depressed to eat.

What's wrong?

Ah, they're fooling around
with the universe.

Read this travesty of journalism

I found
in this week's Inquisitor.

"Amazon Women found
on Alpha Centauri." So?

Everyone knows
that Alpha Centauri's

just a bunch of bowling alleys
and divorced guys.

Oh, ALF,
when will you learn not to take

anything in those tabloids

And when I hide something
in the bottom of the garbage

I expect it to stay there.

Alright, here.

But I can't give you back
the melon rinds.

That ship has sailed.

Okay, here's the last one.

"What German leader
was responsible

for starting World War II?"

That's a toughie.

It was either Colonel Klink
or Sergeant Schultz.

Probably Klink. Schultz could
have never pulled it off.

- Hi, guys.
- Anything for me?

There you go, Mr. Mailing List.

"National Cat Society."

Ooh, my Ms. Magazine.

What is it, ALF?

It's from
the National Inquisitor.


Well, I sent them
a nasty letter.

I'm afraid I rather
abused the exclamation point.

They could be mad.

Biting mad.

Zsa Zsa Gabor mad.

Here's a reckless thought.

Why don't you open it
and find out?

It might be booby-trapped!

It could explode
upon contact with fur!

ALF, you're imagining things.

You've obviously never had
a greeting card

go off in your hand.

Here, Lynn, you read it.

ALF, this isn't bad at all.

Drop it. It's gonna blow!

They'd like to know if you'd
consider turning your letter

into an article
for their next issue.

ALF, what did you say
to these people?

I merely told them
that Amazon-type females

do not live in Alpha Centauri,
but on Xerxes Four.

Is that near where Melmac was?

It's in the tri-planet area.

ALF, they're willing to pay you
$250 for the story.


I'm gonna be read
in one of America's most

sleaze tabloids.

If only mom was here
to see this!

Joanie, that's too bad.

Well, for what it's worth,
it is never easy breaking up.

You'll feel better
once the bitterness sets in.

Listen, I gotta go, okay?

I-I'll talk to you
tomorrow. Bye.

- Is that you again, ALF?
- 'Yeah.'

- 'Can I come in?'
- No.

- Too late.
- ALF, I have to study.

I don't have time
to read your article again.

Then I'll stare at you
until you do.

Suit yourself.

It's fine, ALF.

Oh, arm wrestling
for the captured

mating stock
is really a good hook.

"Good?" You said "Great"
the last four drafts.

ALF, this is only eight
paragraphs in a sleazy magazine.

Are you kidding?
This could launch my career!

Fine. Well, then it's perfect.
Couldn't be better than this.

It redefines journalism
as we know it.

I'd send it in just like it is.

'You hate it, don't you?'

Brian, it's not like you
to get a 'D' on a test.

I'm sorry.

Whatever made you think
that Colonel Klink

started World War II?

So it was Sergeant Schultz.

I didn't think he had it in him.

I'd say we've isolated
the problem.

Brian, from now on
you study alone.

And you.

We've been all through this, ALF

most of what you see on
television is for entertainment.

It's not real.

That explains why the California
Raisins don't return my calls.

Hi. Good news, they came in.

What did?

You mean you still
haven't told them, ALF?

Oh, I hate hearing those words.

Oh-oh, it's not
what you think, dad.

See, the Inquisitor asked ALF

to write an article
about Amazon women in space.

The blood is draining
from my head.

ALF, we have been
trying to protect you

from the outside world.

Your writing articles
for a national publication

kind of runs counter to that.

Chill out, Kate.

I did nothing to jeopardize

the good thing
we've got going here.

Lynn, I'd expect this
from an alien

but why on Earth
would you help him?

But, dad, he wrote it under
an assumed name.

"Mr. Universe."

I toyed with "Mr. Know-It-All"

but that was too on the nose.

I've read it, dad.
It's pretty good.

- Pretty good?
- Don't start!

- Let's see it.
- It's on page five.

Oh, when did you
add the part about them

riding around on the backs
of two-headed lizards?

I didn't write that.

Everyone knows
they cruise around

in four-wheel-drive vehicles!

This is the same magazine
that broke the story

of Oprah's thin twin
stealing her show.

What do you expect?

That's what's so confusing.

They get the Hollywood
stories right

but miss with the space stuff.

Yeah. Real confusing.

- Okay, what are my options?
- You have no options.

Okay, that's one.

You could sue them?

Now you're speaking my language.

Listen to me.
You're not gonna do anything.

You're just gonna be grateful
this didn't turn out any worse.

Okay, but you better hope

those big-boned babes
don't come after you.

They'd snap you in half
at the pelvis.

Marilyn Geiser, please?

Yes, I'll hold.

Stay calm. Stay calm.

Marilyn, babe,
what in the ding-dong heck

are you doing down there?

You're busting my chops!

Who is this?

It's Mr. Universe.


No, the writer!

I wrote the story about
the Amazon women on Xerxes Four.

The one you ruined!

I'm sorry.
Could you be more specific?

The one you changed
to two-headed flying lizards.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Oh, hey, sorry about that.

We bought a picture
of a two-headed lizard

and had to use it somewhere.

Oh, and by the way,
everyone loved the article.

You can't tell lies about
my friends and get away with it!

A-are you saying
you were abducted by aliens?

Were you taken forcibly?

- No!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So you, uh,
you went voluntarily?

Yeah. No, no.
It was a long weekend.

Her mothers were out of town.


Uh, there goes my call waiting.
I have to go.

Uh, uh, Mr. Universe, uh..

Would you mind granting us
an interview?

We'll pay you $250.

No, I can't!


Okay, okay, look. I'll tell
you what, Mr. Universe.

By granting us this interview

we'll give you a chance to set
the record straight, I promise.

Could you have that
made out to cash?


- Fire away.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Not on the phone.
We'll be right over.

Wait! Wait! Hey! Hey!

Willie's gonna freak.

Willie, you got a moment
for a pal?

What is it, pal?

Well, remember earlier when all
the blood rushed from your head?

Yes. Why?

- It might happen again.
- What do you mean?

You didn't write
another angry letter

to the National Inquisitor,
now did you?

Another option!

Where were you an hour ago
when I called them?

- You called them?
- Wait.

Save some blood, there's more.


They're on their way over.

Well, they'll fill in the rest.

Well, wh-what did you tell them?

Oh, I called my editor
to express my anger and outrage.

And somehow
she got it in her head

that I had contact with aliens.

What a kook, huh?

Get in the kitchen.

I love it when you
take charge, man. I really do.

Why me?

Hello. Mr. Universe?

I'm sorry. I think you want
the gym down the street.

That's strange.

I'm sorry. I'm Marilyn Geiser.

We've been communicating with
a Mr. Universe at this address.

We don't receive mail
at this address.

That's pretty lame.

Okay, okay, look, look,
if it's the money

we're willing to go
as high as $750.

I can't help you.
Uh, don't. Uh, plea..

You can see I'm very busy.
Would you mind..

Would you stop that, please?

If you don't get out
of here immediately

I'm calling the police.

Okay, hey. Suit yourself.

Come on, Phil.

You owe me a big one, buster.

I really appreciate it.

- Now get them back.
- What?

That yahoo might have
taken my picture!

- Oh, no!
- Yeah!

Get them back before
they drive away with the film.


Do I have to
think of everything?

Oh, miss. Oh, miss?

Will you get out of here?

No, wait. Wait!

What's going on?
Why is dad yelling?

Why is he chasing that van?

The photographer
accidentally took my picture.

- We have to get it back!
- How do we do that?

You're just like your father.

Quick, they're coming.
Get in the kitchen.

I knew you'd change your mind.

What was it, huh? The money?

Okay. Where's that
nice photographer?

Oh, he's out in the van.

He's afraid of you.

Well, if, uh,
I'm gonna do this thing

I wanna have my picture taken.

My, aren't we Mr. Cooperative
all of a sudden.

Hey, Phil! Come on back in.

Well, let's just get right
to it, shall we?

How did the so-called aliens
first make contact with you?


Didn't see that one coming.

You are good.

Hey, Phil.

Nice to see you again.


What are you doing?

I'm reloading my camera.

But what happened
to the film you had?

I used it up.

So, what you're saying is

your other film is in the van?


Good, dad. Real subtle.

- What are we gonna do?
- Alright.

We break into a doctor's office,
steal an X-ray machine

and push it back and forth
in front of the van.

ALF, you don't need
a doctor's office.

Then where do you expect me
to get an X-ray machine?

All you have to do
is go into the van

and expose all of the film.

Well, it's a little far-fetched,
but it could work.

Good thinking. That's why
you barely made it into college.

Okay, go.

I'll tell dad to stall.
You guys just go get the film.

Oh, then I found myself
on an examining table

in a room full of light.


A kind of light
that I-I've never seen before.

They spoke, but, uh,
their lips never moved.

- Dad.
- Lynn..

Lynn. Really, really glad
to see you.

Uh, Marilyn, Phil,
this is my daughter, Lynn.

- Hi.
- Uh..

These people are
from the National Inquisitor.

I know. It's nice to meet you.

Say, dad, can I talk to you
about something

entirely off the subject?

Of course, dear.
If you'll excuse us..

- So, what do you think?
- So far, so good.

This is the first UFO victim
we've talked to

who speaks in complete sentences

and doesn't wear his name
on his belt.

Lynn, how could you let Brian
do that?

- He's only aiding and abetting.
- Oh.

Besides, you should have heard
ALF's plan.

I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.

Oh, you're doing great, dad.

That lip thing was inspired.

I don't know how many more
"Star Treks" I've got in me.

Oh, how about the one
where they went to that planet

where all their wishes
came true?

I wish I were there now.

Look, I'll do what I can.

You let me know
as soon as they're safe.

ALF, have you found the film?

No, but they got a picture
of Roseanne Barr in the nude.

That's a keeper.


Oh, hey, they've got
a refrigerator in here.

ALF, hurry up!

Oh, rats!

A great setup like this, and all
he's got in here is film.

Now I'm really hungry.

Go ahead. You were saying..

I found myself

floating weightless
through a dense fog.

It was unlike any fog
I ever floated in before.


Darn right wow.

You, uh, you wrote
in your article, um

about how the Amazons used
their, their male captives

as, as love slaves.

Uh, that's kind of personal.

That's why it sells.


Well, there wasn't, uh,
a lot of affection.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Kate..

Uh, Kate, these people are here
from the Inquisitor.

They're here to get
Mr. Universe's story.

Well, isn't that something.

Where is...Mr. Universe?

- It's okay, honey. They know.
- They know?

About my travels
to other solar systems? Yes.

That's nice.

I'm gonna go check on the baby.

Mrs. Universe, your husband
was just about to tell us

what it was like
to be the main-course

at an Amazon love feast.

Or I could sit in.

Continue, please.

It was very hot.

It was like a heat
I've never felt before.

ALF, did you find it?

Just a few more rolls to go.

However, I could use a cream
soda to wash down this ASA 400.

Just hurry up!

This is much too good
to waste on an article.

I'm telling you,
if you're interested

I can get you a book deal
out of this.

- Mission accomplished.
- Great. I'll signal dad.

Uh, thanks for the offer, but,
uh, I think I've said enough.

I wish you'd reconsider.

I'd like you to leave now.

I-I can get you an advance
of $1500 right now.

Mrs. Universe,
can't you reason with him.

No offense, Marilyn, but weren't
you the least bit suspicious

when he referred
to the leader of the Amazons

as "Lieutenant Uhura?"

I don't believe you people.

You twist around the truth,
you invade our homes

you take our picture
without my permission

and then you have the nerve
to try to buy me off?

But you ran after us
to come back.

- Shut up, Phil.
- Yes, sir.

What's worse is
you sat here and listened to me

make up story after story
from old "Star Trek" episodes

and not only did you not notice,
you offered me a book deal.


You obviously haven't made
the transition

back to society very well.

Come on, Phil.

I don't need this, you know.

I've got a picture
of Roseanne Barr

that's gonna make me rich.

Now, the next time
you leave the galaxy, Willie

we go together.

- Way to go, dad.
- I'm proud of you.

Uh, speaking of leaving
the galaxy

I'd like to have a word
with ALF. Where is he?

He said he needed a minute
to cover his tracks.

You mean you left him
in the van?

Hey, it's my first heist.

Oh, no!

Marilyn. Phil. Wait up.

Where's Willie going?

ALF, we all thought
you were in the van.

Willie, stop!

He's a good guy
to have on your side.

And surprisingly fast.

ALF calling Fat Man.

ALF calling Fat Man.

Come in, Your Buickness.

'Who is calling at this hour?'

It's ALF.

You wanna hear
what I learned this week?

'No. I don't.'

I learned that freedom
of the press is a right

not a privilege.

And those rights
should be protected

for without them,
Earthlings are lost.

'Didn't you used to go
with that cute little brunette?'

Uh, sir, I can see you're still
one sandwich short of a picnic.

'Is that a new outfit?'

Oh, yeah. I had to change it
for legal reasons.

Until next week.


That'll teach me to eat film
before going to bed.