ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 4 - We're in the Money - full transcript

Alf thinks that he has found a great new game when he accesses Willie's stock market account.

Hey, Willie. Will I be in your
way if I use the computer?

Yeah. I'm looking for
a birthday present for Kate.

In a garage? What does she want,
a hedge trimmer?

No, I-I've joined the new
computer shopping service.

Uh, this way I can shop
for just about anything I want

without ever leaving my house.
I-isn't that great?

Yeah, right. Why go outside?

You'll only end up
with a little color.

Isn't there anybody else
you could bother?

We voted.
You were the people's choice.

So what're you gonna spring for?

Oh, I can't decide between
the high-heeled pumps

and the cubic zirconia.

Well, she does sleep with you.

- Go for the pumps.
- It's settled.

- Let me play "Donkey Kong."
- No, no, no.


Act natural.

- Willie..
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Tanner.

And might I add, that's a lovely
dress you're wearing.

How am I doing?

Willie, do you know anything
about the Salvation Army

coming to pick up
our television set?

Ah-ha, what a stroke of luck!

Now we'll have room
for that new big-screen TV

we've had our eyes on.

Nice try, ALF.

- I'll talk to them.
- Get a receipt!

Let's go shopping!

I need a new pair of lederhosen.

So hard to find junior sizes.

Which button is it?

Hello. What's this?

"Welcome to
the Home Investor's Network."

Hey! Think I'm gonna
like this game.

Well, what do you guys think?

Well, dad, maybe they looked
better on the monitor.

Oh, there she is.
Don't say anything.

Remember, it's a surprise.

- 'Hi, mom.'
- 'Hi.'

How about, "Hi, mom. Gosh,
you shouldn't be carrying

those heavy things,
that's our job?"

You read our minds.

Ohh. Here, sweetie.

- Thank you, honey.
- Sure.

Kate, do you know anything
about this letter?

"Dear Mr. Tanner.
Enclosed please find

confirmation numbers
for stocks purchased this week."

Willie, I thought
we were gonna consult each other

before doing anything stupid?

Well, it's got to be a mistake.

Probably a three-foot
furry mistake.

Sometimes I think we should just
sign everything over to him

and slip away
in the middle of the night

"Congratulations. Your account
shows you are up by $5000."

Yes! Yes!

"Care to make another buy?"

Are you kidding? Does
Willard Scott wear a toupee?

- ALF.
- Oh, hi, Willie.

You're just in time to see me
launch a hostile takeover.

Whatever that is!

Hey, I was right
in the middle of my game!

This is not a game,
you've tapped into

my stock-market service.

You're investing my money!

I'm playing with real money?

- What a great game!
- It's not a game!

You know,
you can beat a point to death.

I'm not gonna let you
put my house, my family

my whole life into jeopardy!

Now, tell me, just tell me..

How much?



We're players, Willie.

I knew you'd be happy.

But you could've
lost everything, ALF.

Let's just take this as
an unexpected windfall and stop!

But I finally found a way
to make an honest living.

Now, granted,
you'd be taking all the risks.

But that's the beauty of it!

Come on, Willie. Cut me loose.

Let me fly.
Let my people go.

Okay, ALF.

You can continue
to play the market.

Alright. Way to hang,
Willie boy!

But only on paper!
That means no money.

A pencil, a calculator,
a visor if you want.

- Did I mention no money?
- In passing.

Hey, no wonder
he works for the government.

Mom, I woke up with a craving
for French toast and sausage.

Or oatmeal,
whichever's easiest for you.

Does ALF know
that breakfast is ready?

ALF! Breakfast is ready!

Thank you.

Oh, it's still here.

You know, I never thought
I'd miss the sound

of ALF hoovering down his food.

What's bothering him, anyway?

He's been glum, glum, glum since
daddy took his keyboard away.

I heard that.

I thought it was high time
we establish

who, in fact, is in charge
in this house.

And I'm pretty sure it's me.

Uh, us.

No particular order.

Nice save, dad.

- Good morning.
- 'Morning, ALF'

- Hi, ALF.
- I have an apology to make.

Willie, I've had a bad attitude

since you took me
off the computer

and I'd like to say I'm sorry.

Well, thank you, ALF.

It-it's big of you
to admit that.


There's more, isn't there?

Well, yes. Lots more.

Oh, no!

Willie, my friend,
since you took back control

of the family fortune
I've made us $11,000.

On paper!


On paper!

Here's your share.
Knock yourself out.

Just out of curiosity, ALF..

What system do you use
to pick these stocks?

I select companies
whose initials

spell out Melmacian holidays

That's not a system.
It's just dumb luck.

Willie, Willie,
Willie, Willie, Willie!

Think about it.

Now, there are people
who jump onboard

and there are people
who are left on the dock.

And then there are those
who are always late

getting to the airport.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.
I sort of got lost there myself.

I do remember
it having a travel theme.

- Kate?
- Uh-huh?

You remember how we said
we'd consult each other

before we did anything stupid?

You want ALF
to invest our money, don't you?

Because that
is about the stupidest thing

that I could
think of at the moment.

He'd only be working with the
$5000 that he's already made.

- You can't be serious.
- But I know it sounds crazy.

But every stock he's picked
has made money...o-on paper

What if he has
some sort of incredible gift?

Some unexplainable instinct.

What if he's some kind of
an alien savant?

Willie, what's this
really all about?

I don't know.

Maybe I'd just like to be able
to get you nice things.

Oh, I don't need nice things.

I mean,
I have several nice things.

Well, wouldn't we breathe
a lot easier

if we could pay off a few
of the mortgages on this house?

Honey, if that's what you
wanna do, then I-I'm behind you.

But don't let him go
into our savings

because that would be
really stupid

and then,
we'd have to talk again.

Thanks. Thanks.

I, uh,
I just wanna go and tell ALF.

I don't know.
Maybe he's still up.

I guess you heard.


- Willie?
- Yeah, yeah!

If you must pace,
can you do it in one direction?

Call me when you get to Fresno.

Well, I-I-I've never been up

on the stock market before.

Why, $20,000.

It's just the beginning,

Do it. Let's sell.

- I thought you trusted me.
- I do. I do.

What am I saying?

You know, we've been at this
for only two days.

At this rate, do you realize

where you'll be
at the end of the year?

Yeah. I'll be in a clinic with
the pulse rate of a hummingbird.

Yes, but hooked up to the best
machines money can buy.

Listen, ALF,
I've been doing some research

and I say we should invest
in a hundred shares of AT&T.

I say BLaCh.

But, ALF, AT&T
is an American institution.

So were the Village People.
But where are they now?

Trust me. It's BLaCh.
Boston Latrine Chemicals.

Come on, you're acting
like you've never heard of it.

I haven't.

Well, Blach was
an important holiday on Melmac.

- Need I say more?
- Yes. Lots.

I say we invest
the whole 20 Gs.

You've got
three minutes to decide.


S-stop it!

ALF, stop!

I just don't think
that we should

put all our eggs
into one basket.

Will you keep your holidays
out of this?

Now come on, Willie.

Not only are they
the right initials

but it's outdoor-concert season!

Latrines are gonna go sky-high!

I still say we diversify
and buy into several companies.

Now, look, it says right here...

Willie. Willie, honey, baby,

I can't make you a rich man
if you keep

every senseless choice I make.


BLaCh it is.

I like your thinking.

Now go get me
a fresh pot of coffee.

- Happy Birthday, mom.
- Oh, Lynnie, Lynnie.

- It is beautiful.
- 'Nice.'

I know

- Can I borrow it tonight?
- Sure. Here.

Now, hurry up.
The Tokyo market just opened!

Time is yen.

- Here, mom. Open mine next.
- Okay.

Let's see. Oh, oh, honey!

Honey, that is so sweet.

- I made it myself.
- No kidding.


- Happy birthday, honey.
- Thanks, sweetie.

- Oh, good. Here come the pumps.
- Stop it.

The pumps, Mr. Smarty

are on their way back to Taiwan.

- Oh, Willie, a crystal vase?
- 'Oh.'

Hand-etched. From France.
Really heavy.

Oh, I noticed. I love it, honey.
Thank you.

- Ha-ha.
- Aw..

Well, come on.
There's an alien present!

Oh, ALF,
you've seen us kiss before.

No, I mean
there's an alien present.

That means, open the present
from the alien.

- Okay.
- Ooh!

Now, let's see here.
My goodness.

Oh, ALF.
Oh, it's so generous.

And so unlike you.

- Look, Lynnie.
- Oh, wow.

So you went
for the cubic zirconia.

Ha! Would a cubic zirconia
do this?

Hey, man,
like, I'm really sorry.

Oh. Well, I guess one side

has to face the wall anyway.

Do you mean
these are real diamonds?

What else would you expect
from Tiffany's?


ALF, is this going to show up
on the 6 o'clock news?

No, no, it's legit.

Look, here's the receipt.

Yup, that's my
credit card number, alright.

I'll pay you back
out of my earnings.

ALF, this is entirely
too much money.

Are you gonna throw
a hissy fit

every time I squander
a few thousand bucks?

Now, you listen to me, that
is exactly the sort of thinking

that's going to lose us
that $20,000 just like that!

$10,000. Pass the cake.

Come again.

Oh, didn't I tell ya?

We lost half our money.

Hey, Willie, honey, babe.

It's just a temporary setback.

Don't you Willie-honey-babe me.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Uh, we are getting out
of the stock market, right now.

I'm gonna take that money,
I'm gonna put it in the bank.

The bank? Kate!

Talk some sense into the man!

I'm talking swimming pools,
movie stars

black gold, Texas tea.

- No, he's right, ALF.
- Sure, Kate.

Take this pin and stab me
in the back with it.

Dad, isn't it only fair
that ALF's entitled

to share in some of the profit?

You were always my favorite.

You should listen to her more.
She's in college now.

- Yep.
- Granted, it's a party school.

Okay, ALF,
here's what I'll do.

I'll give you $2500.

And can I keep investing?

- It's your money, ALF.
- Yeah?

What if I were to run it up to,
say, oh, $4,000,000?

I'll just have to
live with that, every day

for the rest of my life.

And I'll be there to remind you.

Alright, alright.

Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.

I'm gonna be okay.

Just a setback.

One huge, spiraling setback.

- Hi, ALF.
- Brian will you calm down?

And tell your twin
to do the same.

But I'm all alone.

- Are you okay?
- Everything's fine.

Uh, I'm just having problems
with my motor skills.

I've been drinking coffee,
but it's not helping.

Uh, come over here.
I need your help.

So, what do you want me to do?

I want you to check
my portfolio balance.

Just push the enter button

stand back,
and whatever happens, stay calm.

Please blink.

There's no time.

Uh, say, Bri..

What, uh, what happens
to all that money

Grandma Dorothy
keeps giving you?

- Where is it?
- It's in the bank.

But I can't get it
without her being with me.

Well, no problem,
we'll go to the bank together.

- I look like her.
- It won't work, ALF.

You're right.
She has more facial hair.

New idea,
how about you getting me

your father's
automatic-teller card

and his code number?

- I can't do that.
- Sure you can.

Just start out
by talking about the weather

then you tell him
what a great dancer he is

then you casually work it
into the conversation.

ALF, I've never seen you
this desperate.

I'll show you desperate!

Get me that code number!

- I want that code...
- ALF!

Why were you shaking Brian?

If you must know,
I was helping him

with his
Katharine Hepburn impression.

Now, repeat after me, Brian..

You're my knight
in shining armor.

My knight in shining armor.

- See ALF?
- Yes.

He was teaching our son
Katharine Hepburn impressions.

And you were worried.

What are you all looking at?

Haven't you ever seen
a pot of coffee before?

ALF, put the coffee pot down.

Oh, you'd all like that,
wouldn't you?

Don't worry, Joe. We're in this
together. When I say run, run.

ALF, why don't you..

Why don't you go upstairs
and rest? For a week.

We'll, uh, we'll entertain
your little friend.

His name's Joe.

Hey, Willie.

Hey, handsome.

Great weather we're having, huh?

I understand
you're quite a dancer.

What was your
bank code number again?

- ALF...
- You're right, I'll guess.

It'll be more fun.

- One, one, one, one.
- ALF..

- One, one, one, two.
- ALF!

- One, one, one, three.
- ALF, stop!

That's it? Good. I thought
we were gonna be here all night!

Give me your wallet.
I'll be back in half an hour.

No wallet. You lost your share
of the money, didn't you?

Willie, I need to make
one more buy.

I know I can turn this around.

- I just need a grand.
- No.

A hundred. One lousy
hundred stinking dollars

ALF, yo-you're foaming.

You don't understand.
I can make us all rich!

Rich, do you hear me?
I'm talking Donald Trump rich!

Malcolm Forbes rich.
Buddy Rich!

I need money. Money! Ha!

- It's over, ALF.
- No!

- No, no, no.
- Dad, do something.

- No, no...
- Get a hold of yourself.

- No, no, no.

I'm done.

Sorry. I didn't wanna
have to do that.

Nah, don't worry about it.

You know what happened,
don't you?

I have a feeling
you're gonna tell me.

Some people are blinded
by the thirst for money

and it makes them lose
their values an-and go crazy

and do things they shouldn't do.

That explains
"Ghostbusters II."

- Are you feeling better?
- Yeah.

Your father's quite a guy.

It took a big man to rough up
a defenseless three-foot alien.

Welcome back, ALF.
We were worried about you.


Hey, come on, you big lug.

Well, I guess
I'm still a tad keyed up.

So if you guys need me, I'll be
out re-tarring the driveway.

Give me back my wallet.

Must have lost my touch.

- Willie?
- Yeah, ALF.

Listen, I've been wondering

how come you came out of this
with $7500

and I came out with bupkus?

But I'm not challenging you.

Well, ALF, I had a feeling

you were going to
not challenge me on this.

So, uh, I'll tell you what.

If what you've cost me
over the years

turns out to be less than
what you've made me

then I'm gonna give you
the difference.

I've made a list.

Ha! What a maroon. Go ahead.

Punch the key. Punch it.
Go ahead, punch it.

Punch the key.

You can't count when
I crashed into your garage.

I didn't even know you then!

It counts, ALF.

Well, you can't count
the first kitchen fire.

Is it my fault
you have outlets

that won't support
30 appliances?

It's your fault. It counts.

"Bail money?"

Why do I get charged
with your bail money?

You got me arrested.

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh! Oh, these are all
great memories!

How come we don't have pictures
of this stuff?

You broke my camera.

Oh, right. Why don't you just
put it on my tab?

It's there!

Right above,
"One scratched crystal vase."

You're so retentive.