ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 18 - Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades - full transcript

Realizing he will outlive the Tanners, ALF daydreams about the future, after the children have grown up and moved out.

- Oh. Hi, everybody.
- Morning.

Morning, ALF. How are you
this fine Saturday morning?


I'll be better
once I have some coffee

and we talk about death.


I believe it was Nietzsche
who put it best

"Life is short. And when it ends

we crumble and stink
like an overripe blue cheese."

What's he talking about?

I found some pictures of you
guys taken before my arrival.

Notice anything obvious?

Besides being incredibly happy?

Actually, what struck me
is how much you've aged.

Especially you, Kate.

I still have 400 years
ahead of me.

What am I gonna do when you guys
move in with the dirt people?

Well, we hadn't
really thought about it.

Uh, I suppose
you'll move in with Lynn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

This is the first
I've heard of this.


I'm sorry, ALF,
but I just can't commit.

I see.

And so it starts.

I should have crashed on a
planet where people live longer.

I never plan ahead.

ALF, you're driving us crazy
with this death obsession.

You and Woody Allen.

At least it's funny
when he does it.

Oh, he's just bitter
because he can't sell a sitcom.

Well, whatever.

Come on, everybody.

We're not gonna
be home too late.

Wait! Do you have to go?

Well, what if something
happens to you?

What will I do?

ALF, for the last time,
nothing is going to happen.

We're only going
to a bar mitzvah.

Still, I want you
to take two cars

and drive fast through
the bad neighborhoods.

Kate, you take the lead car

and wear something bright
to draw their fire.

ALF, has anyone ever told you
when you dwell on something

you become annoyingly obsessed?

No, but thank you.

Come on, we're
running late, hon.

- Bye, ALF.
- Bye, ALF.

- Bye.
- 'Bye.'

Hey, whatever you do don't get
trapped between fat people

and the buffet table.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I've gotta face facts.

One day, Willie and Kate are
gonna take that six-foot dive.

And then what?

Oh, Lynn.

Sweet, unfocused Lynn.

Maybe you're my hope.

ALF, you weren't eating bugs
again, were you?

I can't help it, Lynn.
I'm hungry.

They were practically daring me.

Oh, but I made us
some nice chicken broth.

Chicken broth?

What's the occasion?

Well, Robert's been working
so hard lately.

He looks so drawn.

I thought a nice, hot meal

might be just the thing
to pick his spirits up.

When is your yutz
of a husband gonna

shape up and do something
with his life?

You're starting to sound
like my mother.

You mother, may she burn
for eternity was right.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, darling.

Did you get a good spot
on the boardwalk today?

Yep. Right next
to the public restrooms.

Well, it's about time.

- How much did you make?
- Seventeen dollars.

Oh, honey!

Oh, I have something for you.

Nice to see you haven't wasted
the last 30 years.

Thank you, ALF.

You know I need to hear
that from time to time.


Oh, I came up
with something new today.

I hope it's edible.

You know the old
man-trapped-in-a-box routine?

It's one of my very favorites.

Well, I found a new twist on it.

Something that makes it
totally unique.

Man trapped in a pyramid.

Watch this.

Now, here's where
it gets really difficult, see.

You have to define the space
as a point.

And all you have are your hands.

That's what makes
this really hard.

It's amazing nobody's beaten
you senseless.

You still don't believe
in our dream, do you?

Robert's going to be recognized
as a genius someday.

And then we'll have
everything we ever wanted.

Oh, of course.

All you have to do is take
a drive through Beverly Hills

and see the mansions
built by famous mimes.

Face it. There's no payoff.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have 17 big ones
that says you're wrong.

Oh, wake up and smell
the invisible flowers.

Get a job.

You two.

Hello. Yes.

Well, just a moment, please.

Honey, it's the circus.

Oh, boy.

This is it.


Yes, this is Robert Sherwood.

A job?

No, I'm not tied
to the mime thing.

Thank you.

You won't be sorry.

See you Monday.

What was that all about?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Somebody shoot me.

♪ Honey I got a job
with the circus ♪

Will you be making more
than $17 a day?

Well, not at first.

Good career move.

And the best part is

there's a place for both
of you in the act.

But won't that mean
my giving up school

and throwing away 30 years
of college.

I was so close
to declaring a major.

I hadn't thought of that,
but yes, I guess it would.

Is that okay?

Can I wear a funny hat?

If I have anything
to say about it, pumpkin.

Then let's go for it.

No! You're both insane!

What about your dream?

What about your space
by the men's room?

Are you gonna throw
that all away?

It just feels right.

Ladies and gentlemen!

the amazing Robertino

and his incredible
target, Bobo

the complaining
freak of nature.

Lynn, can't we reconsider this?

I mean, shouldn't he have
at least rehearsed this thing?

Well, he figured he may
only get one chance at it.

Hey! Hey, watch it.
That was too close.

Hey! Couldn't I
have at least worn a cup?

Well, so much for Lynn.

I guess I'm gonna have to rely
on my worst-case scenario.

I'm relatively sure
Brian won't marry a mime.

He'd only run out
of things to say.

Here you go, ALF.

I gave you some extra meat fat.

Brian, is this
eating-on-the-floor thing

gonna be permanent?

I'm sorry.

Roxanne doesn't want anything

with fur at the table
unless she's wearing it.

The cat gets to eat
at the table.

I know it seems inconsistent,
but she says it's not.

And I believe her.

Your wife hates me.

There you go again.

You've got a persecution
complex a mile long.

Brakes fail.
Elevator cables snap.

Beds go aflame.

All before lunch?

Come on, B, what do you say

we grab a few pillow cases
of this cash

get some plastic surgery
and start over?

ALF, Roxanne is my wife,
and I love her.

Besides, her family's olive-oil

business has been very good
for all of us.

Oh, Brian, Brian.

Stupid Brian.

Have you seen one olive
in the last 20 years?

Your wife runs the most powerful
mob family in North Hollywood.

That's not true.
You take that back.

Oh, come on. Why is there always
so much cash around here?

Okay. Alright.
I asked her about that.

She said a lot
of their olive oil

is sold on freeway off-ramps.

It's a cash business.

- 'Hello, sweetheart.'
- I've missed you.

Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.

Boys, why don't you wait outside
until the big concert tonight?

I think it is so nice

that you give them time off
to pursue their musical career.


ALF, I brought you something.

Do you know what that means?

Didn't Uncle Louie
get one of these

just before
that freak welding accident?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

- Angel.
- Hello, Son.

Brian, Jr. My favorite,
favorite child.

It's bothering me again.

Oh, don't worry, Brian.

I gave it a black rose.


Honey, I'm gonna go into town.

I'm gonna get a manicure
and a facial.

Good idea. I'll go with you.

I could use a mudpack.

I don't want you leaving
the compound right now.

I know, why don't you go

upstairs and try on that nice,
little present I got you

when I was in Washington at
those pesky committee hearings?


- A guy could get used to this.
- Oh, you.

Mom, yesterday I saw ALF
on the couch.

And this time,

I've got a fur ball to prove it.

Oh, what a nice boy you are.

Uh, but might I suggest

that perhaps the fur ball
belongs to the cat?

You have never liked Fifi,
have you?


Me? I love that cat.

What you may not know is

we share the same
rare blood type.

Which could come in handy

if Fifi were ever caught in,
oh, say, musical crossfire.

Boys, take Mr. Shumway

to the amphitheater
and play for him.

The amphitheater?

It's not even finished yet.

They're just now pouring
the ceme...



Imagine Brian being a kept man.

Well, at least he found
something he's good at.

Life stinks, and then 400 years
later, you die.

Kind of a bummer, isn't it?

Looks like I'm down
to my last Tanner.

Little Eric.

An amorphous pink blob.

What can he do?

He drools, he laughs
at stupid things

he whines and cries
to get attention.

Well, at least we have those
things in common.

Shall we play another one,

You go ahead.
I'll be by the water cooler.

Oh, you're such a poop.

Ow, ow!

Not so hard, Eric.

You know what time
it is now, Sparky?


Yes! It's Mr. Mailbag time.

Let's see.

Here's a letter
from Billy Redseed

of Portland, Oregon.

And it seems Billy
has a fascination with fire.

You know, these letters
should really be screened first.

Billy would like to see Sparky
jump through hoops of flames.

Fire, Sparky.

I don't like where
television's going.


You've gotta be kidding.

I'll never get through those.

Well, anybody can get through
the big ones.

Now stop being Mr. Negative

and show the boys
and girls at home

that the body can achieve
what the mind can conceive.

Oh, Mr. Eric, Mr. Sparky
Mr. Big Hand's on the 12.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Big Hand.

I'll take you out
for a Mr. Cocktail later.

Well, that's all the time
we have for today, kids.

But be sure to tune in next week

for everybody's favorite
"Fun With Sharp Objects."


See you next week.

Right, Sparky?

God willing.

And we're out.

Eric, are you crazy?

I'm not jumping through
hoops of fire.

First, you won't swim
through mud.

Then you have a hissy fit

about being thrown
through a window.

And now you get upset
over a little fire.

Where is it going to end?

I don't need this, Eric.

You're right.

You don't need this.

I'm gonna do something I should
have done a long time ago.

Clean my box?

I want you to meet someone.

Sparky, this is Bootsy.

Bootsy, this is Sparky.

Always a pleasure
to meet one of your dates.

I have some bad news, Sparky.

I don't want you
to take this personally

but you're out of the act.


How could you do this to me
after 30 years?

I practically raised you.

If it's the fire thing,
I'll do it.

I'll jump through the stinking
hoops and land on sharp objects.

Let's see Bootsy do that.

ALF, don't humiliate yourself.

- Goodbye.
- Hey, wait!

Aw, Bootsy's giving you
a big Bootsy bye-bye.

'Yeah, well, I'm giving Bootsy
a gesture of my own.'

'Gee, it's dirty in here.'

Well, the kids are a wash.

I guess I'm gonna have to take
my chances with Willie and Kate.

But Willie's my goombah.

He'll hang on.

And Kate?

I'll just have to keep Willie
functional as long as possible.

Beautiful day.

Another beautiful, boring,
lonely, horrible day.

I should drop dead.

It could only help.

ALF, go and open the curtain

let me watch the sun
setting over the ocean.

The curtains are open.

Well, how come I
can't see the ocean?

There is no ocean out there,

We live in the valley.

It's landlocked. Like your mind.

After all I've done for you

you won't even let
me watch the sunset.

I could've own that ocean
for what I've spent on you.

Kate was right.

"Let's drop him off
in the snow," she used to say.

Did I listen?

Oh, keep it down.

Oh, there it is. I see it now.

Thank you.

Was that so difficult?

ALF, can you forgive
a doddering, senile old man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now I've got work to do, huh?

Okay. Thank you.

Hello, is this the
Taylor Ball Bearings Company?

Um, do you have a Xerox copier.

Well, you're in luck
because our company

recently overstocked
on some name-brand toner...

He's lying! It's a scam!
Don't fall for it!

Did I mention that there's
a free gift involved?

No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!

May I call you back?

Yes, thank you.

What are you doing?


You just lost me another client.

I'm sorry. Go on,
make another phone call.

I won't interrupt again.

I promise. Really.

Now what?

Grease fire.

Curtains, whoosh!

Old, batty, over-medicated.

Look at those seagulls.

They carry diseases, you know?

I can't prove it,
but I know they do.

I hope the kids
like these afghans.

I'm making them big enough

so they can tent
their homes in winter.

Better not come in here, the
filthy, germ-infested vermin.

Oh, don't worry.

I think they're living
in Seattle now.

What did I tell you about using
the stove without supervision?


- You know it's off-limits.
- Okay, okay.

Hey, I've got a secret.

I've got my bra on backwards.

Big deal.
So does Willie.


No good. No damn good!

You were right.

We should have dropped
him off in the snow.

Why don't you read us that nice
letter we just got from Lynnie?

Because it came three years ago.

And I've read it
to you 500 times.

And it was a postcard.

I worked my whole life
to support him.

And now he won't even read us
our mail.

Then at least describe
the stamp.

Is that too much to ask?

Hello, Alien Task Force?

Yes, I'm an alien
and I'd like to turn myself in.

I know it involves dissection.

That's fine.

In fact, I welcome it.

Just get me out of here!

ALF, I hope you realize

we'd never do
any of those things.

And thanks for having
such a high opinion of us.

ALF, I know you're
really worried

and you have every right to be

but just tell me one thing
did I have all my hair?

Your hair was the least
of your problems.

ALF, no matter what happens

as long as you have
to stay hidden

we'll always
make provisions for you.

Prove it.
Put the house in my name.