ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 17 - Gimme That Old Time Religion - full transcript

I don't know what to get your
mother for our anniversary.

After 22 years of marriage,
what can I possibly get her

that would really
make her happy?

You could always drop
Alf off in the desert.

No.

Wouldn't want to waste that
on anything less than our 25th.

- Ahh.
- Good morning, Alf.

- Yeah, yeah.
- What's the matter?

- Didn't you sleep well?
- Is it that noticeable?

I tried using
Kate's cover stick

but I guess, unlike her,
I was too sparing with it.



Morning. Alf, um..

What are these orange
hairs doing in my cover stick?

Well, if they're brown at
the roots, they're yours.

What is his problem?

I'll tell you what my
problem is, as if you care.

I missed the Melmackian
rite of passage.

Does it involve a small goat
dressed in Kate's best pumps?

Because that's still
out of the question.

It so happens that on Melmac,
when a chap turns 233

he has 6 months to become
a minister

or spend the rest of
his life as an outcast.

Alf, your planet exploded.

How much more of an
outcast can you possibly be?

Oh, you're right, Lynn.



I didn't see it that way.

Now let's see if you can help me

with my feelings of
disloyalty to my God.

- Alf, your God..
- Barry!

Mwah! Mwah!

Barry... understands

that you're outside his
jurisdiction.

Thank you, sister Kate.

No, I'm afraid if
you don't help me

become a minister in two weeks

I'll be a lost, wandering soul
for eternity.

I guess that would
affect the dynamics

of the whole family
then, wouldn't it?

Well, let's just say
Barry..

Mwah, mwah.

...help us all.

Homina, homina,
homina, baruch, romana..

...and we all say..

Amen.

Second verse, same as the first.

Alf.

Barry.. Mwah, mwah.

...says be seated.

We have come together
on this solemn occasion

to test whether or not
Gordon Shumway, that's me..

I'm doing double duty here.

...is ready to teach the
words of his holiness, Barry.

Mwah, mwah.

♪ Aaah Barry Barry bo ♪

♪ Barry bo nana fana fo ♪

♪ Barry be fine mo
Mary Mary.. ♪♪

- Alf!
- Okay, let's do Alf.

♪ Alf Alf bo Alf.. ♪♪

This is really silly.

What kinda religion is this
anyway?

It's reformed.
What does it look like?

Now, the congregation
will now ask me

four questions from
the holy scroll.

If I answer three out of the
four right, I become a minister.

If I miss more than one..

Well, there's
always the open bar.

Brian, you're first.

Question number one.

"What's the kindest thing
you can do for someone else?"

Burp downwind.

He's right.
It says, "he who burps downwind

can party with me anytime."

Well, that's one right.
Three to go.

- Lynn?
- Okay.

Question number two.

"What one gesture will prove
your undying love for another?"

A Mazda Miata.

- Well, how could Barry..
- Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Mwah, mwah.
...have known that?

- They just came out last year.
- Barry knows.

Actually, it says
any red convertible.

He's right.

Well, we've come to
the halfway point.

Brian?

"When does track lighting
go with Berber carpet?"

Ohh. Let's see.

Uh, when you stick
with stripes and solids

and stay away from patterns.

We worried about Barry,
but as long as he was happy.

That's wrong.

You're wrong, Alf.
"It's a stick with patterns

"stay away from solids,
they're cold

and they don't create
a welcome environment."

Ugh! Religion is so subjective.

This is your last chance.

So take advantage of the full
20 seconds.

"You've been dancing all night

"and you've noticed your
partner's dress shields

"have given out.

"You like her, but others are
starting to point.

Do you tell her?"

I remember this one.

The answer is "no."

Instead, you dance the first
slow dance

then reach in and change them
without her knowing.

He's right.

Congratulations,
Alf, you're a minister.

You know, I'm sorry if I
implied all this was frivolous.

Yes, yes!

Oh, I've never won
anything before in my life!

Come on, everybody.

Stand and follow my lead
for a big Barry bye-bye.

Mwah, mwah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

I didn't say,
"Barry said stand."

Ugh. Now we're going to have
to do this

all over again.

- Ohh!
- What?

From the beginning.

Start with the questions.
Brian?

Oh, homina, homina, homina
homina, homina, homina, homina.

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh amen ♪♪

Hi, Alf.

How was your first
day as a minister?

Well, come, my flock.

It's time for me
to hear your sins

and earn a couple
of bucks on the side.

Oh, gee. I have the periodic
table of elements to memorize.

Otherwise..
...I'd find something else.

Heathenness!

Brian! Wee lad!

Sit on the stool!
Ease your burden of conscience

and lighten your soul.

There must be something
you're ashamed of.

Sorry. No, there isn't.

Oh, come on.
Of course there is.

I know guilt when I see it.

Now, sit down, fork
over two bucks, and dish.

All I've got is a quarter.

You're in luck.
It's happy hour.

Now, I want you to confess
the things you've done

that you don't want
anyone to know about.

But if I tell you, you'll know.

Then I'll close the shutters,
and I won't know who you are.

But you already know who I am.

Take your quarter.
Go to your room.

- Get out of here.
- Thanks. This was fun.

There but for the grace
of Barry..

Mwah, mwah.

...go I.

Kate! Say yay-ah!

- Hi, Alf.
- Ahh!

Barry is speakin'
through me now.

I feel good,
just like I knew I would.

I feel fine.
It must be divine.

Walk to me, Kate. Walk to me.

Show me you can walk.

I'll show you something else in
a minute if you don't stop it.

Ahh, aggression.

What has made this tired,
haggard woman so bitter?

What a life she must have had.

Everybody,
everybody, please stand.

Pray for her.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet thou art ♪

♪ To save a wretch like Kate ♪♪

Shut up!

Oh! I forgive you.

See how easy that was?

Now, come on, Kate.
It's only two bucks.

I would rather confess
my sins to Jimmy Swaggart.

You'd have to go to a
cheap motel for that!

This family's gonna burn.

Uh-oh. I hear the pitter-patter
of pious paws.

I bet you can't say
that six times fast.

'Are you being
fruitful and multiplying?'

- None of your business.
- 'Oh, good.'

'Then I can come in.'

Don't mind if I do.

You're too kind.

Say, did it ever occur to you

that we might just
want our privacy?

Well, you always
say to ask first

ever since that one time.

That was pretty
embarrassing for you.

I know it was for me.

- What do you want?
- I've got a problem.

I'm in terrible danger
of losing my ministry.

And the problem?

Oh, hardy har har.

Men of peace are always
objects of ridicule.

Read this and weep.

"Can you find Barry
in this picture?"

No! I'm talking about
the paragraph under the

"can you help Barry
get out of the maze?"

"If the newly ordained minister
does not perform a good deed

"by officiating at a hallowed
ceremony within ten working days

"thereby proving his worth
as a man of the cloth, the..

"...the penance shall be dire

and catastrophic to all those
concerned."

There he is.
There's Barry right there.

Right by the big clock.
You see? You see his face?

- Look.
- Willie.

- Hmm?
- Honey, focus.

We may be in big trouble.
I need you with me.

There go all my dreams,
my hopes.

My plans for building
a religious theme park.

Look, can we get back to that
"dire penance" thing?

Just exactly how dire
are we talking?

Stop it!

Alright?
I know it's fun now.

Just wait 20 years.

Because after midnight tonight

I'll be bound by all that's holy

to yodel for the
rest of my life.

Honey, I'm afraid.

Sweetie, we're all afraid

but luckily, I have a plan.

Now, call me crazy,
but what if, say

I were to officiate at a renewal
of your wedding vows?

Not in my lifetime.

Alf, you're millions and
millions of miles away.

Do you think Barry will really
know if you don't yodel?

This planet's on the side
of his good ear.

He'll know.

So think about it.
Let me know in the morning.

He's really got us by
the lederhosen, hasn't he?

Speak for yourself.

I like yodeling as much as the
next guy, but I have my limits.

I know, Bri.
Your mother and I

have had plenty of time
to discuss this matter.

We just seem to be of
somewhat different opinions.

It's just that I think
this maybe another trick of Alf

just to get us to do
what he wants us to do.

Oh, I say, who cares?
Let's just do it.

Mom, I know you're
really against it

but I think the idea's romantic.

And you were wondering
what to do for your anniversary.

I just don't know
what it would do to the sanctity

of our marriage
to be joined by a minister

who sucks cranberry juice
through his nose.

Still, he seems sincere,
and he did get Bar..

Mwah, mwah.
Barry out of the maze.

Could I have some hot tea
with lemon, please?

Only 400 more years of this,
then I get to die.

Look at him, Kate.

He's a drooling,
sniveling, pathetic mess.

Oh, that's it, Willie.
Really sell it.

Don't let me..

...influence you.

How about it, Kate?

You wanna get married?

Would it mean
he'd stop yodeling?

I would love to marry you,
honey.

And I don't feel
manipulated at all.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm gonna try to find a cough
drop the size of Dom Deluise.

'Oops. Watch your step.
I'll get that later.'

Do you think if I tried yodeling

I could get a new Nintendo game?

No, but it might get you
a new set of teeth.

Come on.
The first one's free.

I'm sorry.
I guess I'm overly anxious

that everything goes smoothly.

Do you have the ring?

No, I sold for three
magic beans.

- Brian, go get your father.
- Why, what's wrong?

Nothing. And whatever you do,
tell him not to panic.

Oh, my God!
What-what's happened?

No to worry.

But I was just using my
Barry-decoder ring

to figure out this last puzzle.

And I thought I should alert you
to a potential problem.

You look really sharp,
by the way.

Alf, what's the problem?

Well, it's just that
if you and Kate

aren't truly moved by my
ceremony

just call me Heidi,
the lonely goatherd.

- What a wondrous religion.
- Isn't it?

It's for ages three and up.

Well? How do I look?

Mom, you look beautiful.

You look neat.

My bride.

I think I'll keep her.

Kate, white?

I mean, you're at
least three kids past white.

Or, white.
White's just as good.

Good timing.

- It's Mrs. Ochmonek.
- Oh, great. Alf..

Okay, okay.
What would Jim Bakker do?

I know. I'll be on the floor
in a fetal position.

- Oh, hi, Raquel.
- Hello. Oh, my. Look at you.

Um, I saw all those lovely
flowers being delivered

and I thought
somebody might be sick.

It's, uh..

Um..

It's Brian's turtle.

- Oh, no! Gabby.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

- You don't even have a turtle.
- Then who's Gabby?

Later.

Yes, uh, Brian's turtle Gabby
passed away last night.

And we were just about to have
a memorial service for him.

Oh, I see.

And was that Gabby's
favorite dress?

Uh, yes, as a matter
of fact, it was.

He was a very complex turtle.

I guess.

Well, if there's
anything I can do..

You mean, in lieu of flowers?

Look, this sounds crazy, I know

but you could send a check
to the New York City Ballet.

He was quite a patron
of the arts.

If you want me to leave,
why don't you just say so?

In fact, don't even say so.
I'll leave on my own.

I think that would be best.
I-I'm sorry, Raquel.

We're, we're not ourselves.

I think we handled that
pretty well.

Well, I expect to see you
in confession tomorrow.

- Bring your checkbook.
- Alf, please. Let's..

Let's just get this over with.

Uh-oh. It's Heidi time.

Ah, what does he mean by that?

Oh, I think what Alf is trying
to say is that

this is an expression
of our love.

Uh, I can't think of any better
way to spend our anniversary

than to, to confirm our vows
all over again.

Well, how do you say that
with a straight face?

Is everybody ready?

Lynn?

Ah..

We are gathered here
to witness the rejoining

of these two pretty
wonderful kids.

Two people who are
more in love today

than they were when
they first met 22 years ago.

Pretty touching, huh?

Willie, you're on.

Kate..

I take you for my wife.

To support and care for you

to love you and cherish you

as I have since the
first day we ever met.

You've given me three
beautiful children.

And you've filled my life
with joy and with love.

May our lives together be long
and happy.

Willie..

I, I take you to be my husband,

to, to care for you and,
and to support you.

To share your joy
and your sorrow.

You're my rock.

You're my strength.

And I'll love you forever.

- Congratulations, mom and dad.
- Alright!

Hey, wait a second!
It's not over yet.

What do you mean?
Kate and I were both very moved.

Now we're back to being
a yodel-free household.

Yeah, but it wasn't
because of anything I said.

Now, the rules specifically
state...

Look, Alf, being a minister
doesn't depend on

just blindly following
what's written in a book.

It's how you live.
It's teachings.

You did something
wonderful here

and we were moved.

Now I'm left feeling
empty and void and hollow.

Well, Alf, what was it
you would have said?

Well, I probably would
have opened with a joke.

See, you know, something
to loosen the crowd.

Then I probably would
have gone on to say

how hard it is to
express true feelings.

Because it's hard to tell
somebody how much you love them.

And when I see the
ease with which you two

declare your love over and over

well, I know that
nothing can ever

come along to destroy it.

Now I'll never get a chance
to say that.

Bummer.

Just when I thought
you couldn't surprise me.

Oh! Ha-ha! A tear!
Hey, you saw it!

You all saw it!
I've got witnesses.

I think that Barry..

Mwah, mwah.

...if he's listening,
with his good ear

is very proud of you.

Ha! Ha! Thank you!

Hey, now I'd like
to say a few words

about a brave young
turtle named Gabby.

For a turtle,
he was kind of slow

but we loved him nonetheless.

He was a dear pet, a nice pet.

A non-existent pet.

- Morning, Alf.
- Morning.

You're not wearing your robes.

Well, now that I've
completed my training

I only have to serve
one weekend a month

plus two weeks
during the summer

unless there's a
national emergency.

Well, I gotta give you credit,
Alf. It was..

...it was a very sweet ceremony.

Well, thanks, Kate.

So, uh, how was the
old wedding night?

Hubba hubba, ding ding!

How the mighty have fallen.

That good, huh?

And while you're
still in a giving mood

isn't it customary to
tip the one

who performs the ceremony?

Don't you think it's payment
enough to know

that you've done
something admirable

for your fellow bipeds?

Look, I'll give you a receipt
for twice the amount

and you could write
it off on your taxes.

What's the big deal?

I'll tell you what, Alf.

How about a German
chocolate cake?

Really? Sold!

As Barry is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again.

Ah, ha!

Yodelayheehoo!