ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 19 - When I'm 64 - full transcript

With Willie and Kate going out for the night, ALF sneaks into a retirement home in the hopes of meeting a once-famous actress, whose glory days are far behind her.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Well, congratulate me,
I just managed to finagle

reservations for two
at Emilio's.

How does that sound, honey?

Sounds good to me, sweetie.

That is wonderful, Willie.

What, is she coming too?

I thought this was gonna be
our night!

Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF,
it's Valentine's Day.

Kate and I are looking forward

to spending an evening
alone together.

It's, it's what keeps us
from becoming bitter.

I'll just spend
Valentine's Day alone.

Without romance, without love..

...without two bodies
beyond rational thought.

Oh, sorry. I'm back.

Anyone call while I was gone?

Oh, please, Willie?
Stay home.

We'll order out.
It'll be my treat.

By the way, can I borrow
a couple of hundred till payday?

I seem to have misplaced
your credit card.

For the last time, no, ALF.

ALF, would you stop that!

Now, I understand that this
is not an easy time for you.

And, so?

Actually, that was all.

Oh. Somebody needs
a fresh diaper.


Oh. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!

- What is it?
- Oh, my hands!

Look at them. They're shaking
like a schoolboy's.

Oh, one of my favorite
movie stars

just moved
into this neighborhood.

"Louise Beaumont." Why does
that name sound so familiar?

Oh, she was the aging vamp
in "Footlight Fancies"

and she was the tap-dancing
bag lady in Broadway and 74th.

And she played
the Swedish bombshell

in "Stage Door Yohnny."

"I love you, Yohnny,
you big yerk."

Oh, I remember Louise Beaumont.

She was a minor movie star
in her day.

Willie, Louise is a queen.

A-and her castle's
just a few blocks from here.

"Sunset Villa?"
ALF, it's not a castle.

It's a retirement home.

It's not unlike the place

I'll be staying in long
before my time.

Oh, let's do
something mad, Willie.

Grab your Polaroid.
We'll swing by the home.

- You're right, that is mad.
- No, no, no. You see..

I'll hide
while you ask her to sing

the theme
from Naughty Senoritas.

Please, please, ALF. Please.

Wouldn't be so bad
if you could only carry a tune.

There. That ought to hold you
till we get to the sitter's.

- We ready to go?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna hold my breath
until you take me to see Louise.

Night, ALF.

- I'm gonna do it again.
- Goodnight, ALF.

We'll bring you
what's left off of our plates.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'm yumping for yoy.

Willie doesn't understand.
He has his woman.

Poor schlub.

But, oh, Louise..

Oh, that's it. I deserve
one night in the sun.

Oh. But I'll need
a clever disguise.

Maybe Kate's wedding dress.
Haven't worn that in a while.

Ugh. White always
makes me look too busty.

Oh, wow!

This could be Louise's window.

That could be her nightstand.

Those could be her teeth!

Just my luck.
She's not in them.

- 'I think it went that way.'
- 'Did you see it?'

Where? Where? Oops!

'It was the ugliest thing
I ever saw.'

'Did you catch the nose
on that thing?'

Hey. Oh! Gotta learn
to stop doing that!

Oh, look!

Uh, look,
I know it's a long shot

but is this the Vatican Embassy?

What is it? What is it?

My guess,
it's a giant talking rat.

Hey, hey, hey.
Can a rat do this?

Jack, really.
D-don't you know what that is?

I-it's a talking dog.

Uh, I'm sorry for my friends.

Oh, fine. You want a talking
dog, I'm a talking dog.

The square of the hypotenuse
of a right triangle

is equal to the sum of the
squares of the other two sides.

Well, whatever you are, we
aren't allowed pets or visitors

after 8 o'clock,
so shoo, shoo.

- Wait, Bernie.
- What?

Don't antagonize him.
He might be one of those aliens.

Oh, no kidding.

Buenas noches, senor.

Bernie, I'm talking about
an alien from outer space.

Don't hurt us.
Please don't hurt us.

Oh, look,
you seem like very nice people

with very little
upper-body strength.

I'm gonna level with ya.

And this doesn't leave the room.

The guy with the pants pulled up
to his neck is right.

I'm an alien.

Now, I'm sorry if I scared you.

People were chasing me.

For those of you
who remember back that far.

Do you eat and drink
like normal humans?

Depends on who you ask!

So you're an alien, eh?

Oh, son of a gun.

I always knew you guys were
up there somewhere.

An alien, eh?

- You know what I think?
- What?

I think he's here
to make us young.

Just like in "Cocoon."

Oh. I never saw that movie.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

We rented it last week.

It's the one that Opie directed,

Oh, yes!

It's an amazing achievement
for an eight-year-old.

Let it go, Jack. Let it go.

I just came to get a peek
at Louise Beaumont.

Just point me to her room.
Can you do that?

She's just down the hall

but you can't see her
unless you're a family member.

There's such a thing
as rules, you know.

Well, I'm her ex-husband, okay?

I just wanna get a quick
snapshot for old times sake.

Excuse me.

'Miss High-and-Mighty.'

'There's a talking dog out here
who wants to meet you.'

'No, no, no.
I don't want her to see me.'

'I just wanna take her picture.'

Go on, go on.


Hi, Miss Beaumont.

I hope my presence
doesn't scare you.

Look, I don't know
what you are

or who put you up to this,
but I'm not interested.

So don't let the door hit
your furry butt on the way out.

Who does she think she is?
Roseanne Barr?

Gee, she seemed
so much friendlier

in "Cellblock Serenade."

She treat all her fans this way?

Oh, forget about her.
Let's talk about you.

You've been
all over the universe.

What an incredible amount
of knowledge you must have.

Tell us, what's it like
in outer space?

Well, it's empty.

It's big. It's cold.

It's like "Star Trek V,"
without the toupees.

Well, ciao.

Oh, where are you going?
Wh-where's he going?

Uh, sorry. My mission's
accomplished here on Earth.


'Let's try to take him alive.'

'I know he's here.
I can smell his breath.'

'Can we mess with him first?'


Maybe I'll stay
until I get a ride home.

Mind if I use the phone?

He wants to phone home.

Just like
in that movie "Splash."

I swear, if my bones weren't
as brittle as saltines, I'd...

'Eddie, what's going on
in there?'

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

Uh, listen,
uh, I'll be in there. Okay?

Uh, remember, you never saw me.
I don't exist, okay? Bye.

He's cute.

Okay, what are you guys up to?

Well, we don't have a talking
dog in the other room

if that's
what you're getting at.

'Hurry up, Ben.
The champagne's getting flat.'



She's, uh,
she's helping


If I have the operation

they say there's an 80% chance
that I could study again.

"114.8." Perfect.

This thermometer tastes funny.

My son.

I sacrificed myself
for 30 years

to make him
a successful stockbroker

and he put me in here. Two.

They should only make that
embezzlement rap stick.

I get the idea.
The boy's a lox.

Why do I have 16 cards?

Do you realize
that all you've done

since I got here is complain?

Well, there's got to be more!

Well, you're the one
who broke up the gin game.

What's your problem, anyway?
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

I just think
you're wasting some wonderful

valuable, precious time.

Let's have some fun.

How about I take you on the roof
and show you where I'm from?

Would you like that?

This isn't just a trick
to use us

as sex drones
to repopulate your planet.

Again with that fantasy!

Up on the roof? Well,
we-we could get into trouble.

I know, I know.
It's against the rules.

Who cares?
This isn't a prison!

You have choices.
Take a chance for once.

Besides, who's gonna tell?

Okay, let's do it.

Hey, we're breaking the rules.
How does it feel, Bernie?

Well, I wish I hadn't taken
that water pill.

Well, as long as it's not
windy up there, we're okay.

Come on, let's go!

Oh, it's you again. Get out.

Do you want me to call
the night supervisor?

Oh, come on, Lou

I'm taking
the over-the-hill gang

to the roof
to show them where I'm from.

I may even do my lounge act.

I've been described
as a short Wayne Newton.

I'm sorry. I'm too busy.

Doing what?

Staring out the window?

Every once in a while,
a man walks by with a tire iron.

Something's going down,
I know it.

Look, why don't you just come
and join the party?

Look, I just
don't want to, okay?

Isn't there another
aging actress you can bother?

Try Milton Berle.


Just that I took
a lot of chances coming here

to catch a glimpse
of the person

that Eleanor Roosevelt
once called

the "Sexiest Woman Alive."

Stop it.

Leave me alone.

I don't need you to remind me
that I was once important, okay?

You don't know what it's like

to suddenly end up
in a home somewhere

with a bunch of people
you don't know.

And have nothing left
to look forward to.

Ha! Have I got a story.

Well, save it.

Let's go, ALF.
Ben's studying again.

We heard him through the vents.

Okay, okay. I'll be right out.

Check, check your fly.

Louise, please.
Change your mind.

These people aren't so bad.

Sure, you don't wanna listen
to them suck on a hard candy

but they grow on you.

Oh, go on. Join the others.

I've spent most of my life alone

another couple of years
won't kill me.


Do you think
I could take your picture?

For what it's worth

this is still one of the nicest
moments of my life.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Ha, ha. Yeah! We made it!

Hey, high fives and low fours
all around. Come on.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, isn't this beautiful?

Oh, look. Look.
Th-there's your mothership.


Yoo-hoo? Yoo-hoo, down here!

Get ready to be transported!

that's the Goodyear blimp.

Sure. That's what
they'd like you to think.

Becca, open your eyes.
We're not going anywhere.

ALF, you said you'd show us
where you're from.

Yes, ALF, let us in
on that wondrous secret

that few humans will ever know.

I'll do my best.

Let's see. I think you can
see it right over there.

Yup, right there. See?

It's that cheap,
white tract home

three houses in from the corner.

Kind of makes you feel
insignificant, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no, no,
that's the house I'm staying in

while I'm on Earth.

See, my planet exploded.

My lawyers recommend I make
no further comment at this time.

Hey, look.

Ben's got quite a setup
over here.

He's always up here studying.

That settles it.
I'm going for that operation.

Oh, isn't it romantic, though?

All the lights
and, and the music and..

Oh, ALF. Thank you.

I'm going to send you
a big soup bone later.

Hey, alright!

Well, ahem, who wants to dance?

Hey. See?
What'd I tell ya?

I knew he had the hots for her.

Hey. I'm glad
you changed your mind.

We were just getting down
with our bad selves.

I-I just came up
for some fresh air.


Well, maybe I am a little
curious about where you're from.



See that cheap, white tract home

three houses in from the corner?


Well, if you look straight up..'s the big star
directly above it.

Oh, my gosh.

That's so amazing!

Just think,
a whole other world.

Do you, do you miss it?

Every day.

How do you keep your spirits up
so far from home?

Well, I found making other
people's lives miserable helps.

But you've gotta find
your own way.

Louise, why don't you go over
there and see if they wanna...

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

Uh, maybe I better
go back downstairs.

No, no, no.
You just got here!

Besides, what good
is sitting alone in your room?

Come. Hear the music play.

♪ Life is a cabaret
old chum... ♪♪

Okay, okay.

Wouldn't be so bad
if you could carry a tune.

You know, Bernie,
it would be a nice gesture

if you went over
and asked Louise to dance.


Dance with her!

She's already dancing.
She didn't want me, the witch.

Oh, no. Louise.

Look, just dance with her,
will you? Do it for me.

Do it as a favor, huh?


- Would you like to dance?
- Mm-hm.

I hope she asked me to dance.

Well, Tonto,
I think our work here is done.

Jack, watch the hands!

I run a clean dance hall here.


And then, when I was at MGM,
I went out with Clark Gable.

Wow! Hey, is it true what they
say about men with big ears?

- ALF!
- Willie.

I see you got my message.
Come on over.

Oh, look. We have a visitor.

Who died?

What were you thinking?

I can't believe you'd
expose yourself like this!

What? I'm wearing a sweatshirt.

You know what I mean.

Hey, lighten up.
I'll fill you in later.

Now, I want you
to meet my friends.

- 'Bernie, Rebecca, Jack..'
- Hello there.

And, of course, Louise Beaumont.

How do you do?

This is my best friend, Willie.

Hello. It's nice to meet you.
I'll pay for the damages.

- Come on. We should be going.
- Well, just a second.

I have to say goodbye now.

I'll always remember you guys.

Only wish you could say the same
about me.

Goodbye, ALF.

I want you to have this.

It's the scarf I wore
in "Stage Door Yohnny."

Oh, thank you!

Wow. I wish I had something
to return the favor.

You already have, dear.

Happy Valentine's Day, ALF.

- Bye, guys.
- 'Bye.'

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

I don't know why, but I think
I may be proud of you.

Yeah? Save it till we get past
the guy with the tire iron.