ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 4 - Tonight, Tonight: Part 1 - full transcript

"And heeeere's Alfie!" ALF hosts The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962) instead of Johnny Carson. Is it a dream? Is it an "What if...?" story?

From Hollywood

it's "The Tonight Show,"
starring Johnny Carson!

Johnny's guest host
tonight is ALF.

Join ALF and his guests,
His Holiness Pope John Paul II

Dr. Joyce Brothers

and Joan Embery
of the San Diego Zoo.

This is Ed McMahon
along with Tommy Newsom

and the NBC Orchestra.

And now, he-e-e-ere's Alfie!

[audience cheering]

[instrumental music]

Thank you. Thank you.

For those of you
who don't know me, I'm ALF.

The answer
to the burning question

who's the only NBC star

with more hair
than Michael Landon.

Well, it's great
to be here in Burbank.

It's just like being back
on my home planet Melmac..

...after it blew up.

Yo, Ed.
Nice to see ya.

Oh, welcome to
"The Tonight Show", ALF.

Ed was missing last week.

So the cops put his picture
on a six-pack of Budweiser.

Ha! Ha! Ah!

Oh! Also with us tonight
is Mr. Tommy Newsom.

Hi, ALF.

After the show tonight,
Tommy and I

are gonna go out
and paint the town beige.

I got a brush right here.

Good one, Tom!
You hang on to that.

Tommy's not dull. He was just
weaned on Novocain.

Well, I'm glad
all of you can get in

'cause it sure was hot
out there today.

How hot was it?

What am I, a thermometer?

Hey, we have a fabulous show
for you tonight.

We've got Joan Embery,
Joyce Brothers and a Pope.

So stay tuned,
we'll be right back.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[audience applauding]

Uh, A-ALF?

You interrupted my drum solo.

Oh, we're back!
Huh! Hi.

Uh, I guess it must be time

for our spontaneous, unrehearsed
banter. You start.

Well, gee. I-I-I don't know
where to start.

Alright, alright, I'll start.

Great to be here, Ed,
you know, I haven't seen you

since I opened my mail
this morning.

- Ah! Ha! Ha!
- Oh-ho..

You got one of my sweepstakes
announcements, did you?

Yeah. How many jobs
do you have, anyway?

Well, well a lot.

Oh. Well, you know,
I really enjoy you on that show

where they have all those
mistakes and foul-ups.

Oh, you mean "Bloopers
& Practical Jokes."

No. "Star Search."
Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, your show
is certainly a hit, ALF.

What show is that, Ed?

Well, "ALF," right here on NBC,
8 o'clock on Monday nights.

Oh, that show. Thanks.

I understand
you brought some clips.

Would you like
to set them up?

I'd love to.

See, in my show,
I play an alien life form.

It's a real stretch for me.

Watch the monitors.

[imitates dog whining]


[imitates dog whining]


Why did you do that?

Well, I could have
licked your hand.

But I didn't think
either of us would enjoy that.

What a strange family.

[ALF coughs]

Now what do you want?


I was just doing
the Heimlich maneuver on myself.


By the way

don't bother looking
for your laxative on a rope.

Oh, you mean
my soap on a rope.

Trust me on this one.

Great. That's "ALF,"
Monday nights at 8 o'clock.

- Good clips, huh?
- Well, they look pretty funny.

Pretty funny?

If I were Johnny, you'd be doing
that "Ho! Ho! Ho!" thing.

Well, I'm sorry, ALF.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Don't patronize me.

Well, now I guess we know
all about your rise to stardom.

Every possible thing we could
want to know about ALF

you have now told us.

You are wrong, compensated

You mean...there's more?

Yes. In my quest for stardom

I was screen-tested for roles
too numerous to mention.

Okay, I'll mention them.

For example

I did not get the role
of Obi-Wan Kenobi

in the movie "Star Wars."

I did not get the lead
in the "FDR Story."

'But I did get called back
twice for the role of Eleanor.'

And I lost out
to McGruff the Crime Dog

'for the lead
in "Sam Spade Gets Spayed."'

Those screen tests
look suspiciously like

episodes of your show, ALF.

My cup looks
suspiciously empty, Ed.

Okay, I'll, I'll get
you a refill.

Thank you, and while you're
gone, I'll show some clips

of just how versatile
a performer I am.

You folks,
watch the monitors.

- What about the Pope?
- He can watch, too.

Roll the tape.

♪ Stop in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Stop in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Think it over ♪♪

Oh, hi. Oh, a housewarming gift,
how nice.

Call number 464.

Fourteen minutes
to Bristol, Connecticut.

'Call number..'

Hit the music, will you?

I'm gonna watch
"Dance Fever."

[pop music on music player]

Yeah, go feverettes!

ALF, I thought we agreed

that you'd stop
impersonating me on the phone.

We agreed I would stop

impersonating the cast
of "Green Acres."

[imitates Mr. Haney]
Mr. Haney could have sold Brian

some revivifying potion
out of the back of his truck.

I'm sorry it took so long..



I'm not ALF.
I am Melmac the magnificent.

Oh, no.
That's Johnny's turban.

Nobody wears Johnny's turban.

Look again,
banana number two.

I hold in my hands
these envelopes.

And without ever having
seen the questions

I, in my mystical
and borderline tasteful way

will divine the answers.

Where are the answers?

They're in the desk, but
Johnny's supposed to do those

tomorrow night.

So, who's stopping him?


- "Red square."
- ALF, look, uh..

Red square.

"What do you call that blotch
on Gorbachev's head?"

- Red square.
- Red square.

- "Junk bonds."
- Junk bonds.

"What do you call
the last three 007 movies?"

Junk bonds.

- "Palomino."
- Palomino.

- Palomino.
- Palomino.

"What did Trigger
sue Roy Rogers for?"

I should go back to my old job
pulling porch splinters

out of Bartles & Jaymes.

- "St. Elsewhere."
- St. Elsewhere.

"What's the message
on Mother Teresa's

answering machine?"

St. Elsewhere.

"Rich, little."

Rich, little.

- Rich, Little.
- 'Rich, Little.'

"Describe Dudley Moore
in two words."

Rich, little.

"Cat on a hot tin roof."

Cat on a hot tin roof.

- 'Cat on a hot tin roof.'
- On a hot tin roof.

"Name a TV dinner on Melmac."

Ha! Ha!
Wrote that one myself!

I hold in my hand
the last envelope.

May an alien
from a distant planet

invade your living room
every Monday night

at 8:00, 7:00 Central.

"Goodyear, Bonzo, and Bush."

- Goodyear, Bonzo, and Bush.
- 'And Bush.'

"Name a blimp,
a chimp, and a wimp."

[audience applauding]

Oh, hey, Ed

here, I had to take
a few tucks in this turban.

You might wanna have it
fixed before Johnny gets back.

Oh, boy.

There's more to come,
so stay tuned.

- Think you can fix it?
- I don't know.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, I don't know, ALF.

You don't really explain
how you do it

you just do it,
it's like breathing.

Oh, come on! Teach me.

Well, it only works
if it's spontaneous.

Just do a little one.


Well, let me get this right

is the accent
on the "Hi" or the "Oh?"

- ALF.
- Hi-oh!

You really should
bring out our first guest.

Boy, Ed. You're a real slave
to tradition.

We are honored that
our first guest

has chosen this show

on which to make a rare
television appearance.

The spiritual leader
of millions worldwide.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

ALF! You should bring
out the Pope first.

Who's hosting here, Ed?

I'm waiting.

You are, ALF.

Dr. Joyce, haul it out here!

Hello, ALF,
it's very nice to meet you.

What happened to your accent?

What accent?

Who are you?

I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Oh, no!

I got you mixed up
with Dr. Ruth.

Huh! I'm sure
it happens all the time.

- It's never happened before.
- Oh.

What kind of doctor are you?

I'm a psychologist,
I'm an expert

in interpersonal
human relationships.

Oh. Well, did you bring any
clips to show us?

I'm a psychologist.
I don't have any clips.

Well, you're in luck.
I brought a few extra.

Watch the monitor.

Well, the week is over,
as far as I'm concerned.

I'm gonna have
a plain old orange.

Willie, I don't think that
I can make it till sundown.

Why don't we go away
for the day?

- Good idea.
- Oh, come on, that's silly.

Now, why don't we just
tell ALF that he's won?

Well, I'm for that.
You've won.

- Won, ma'am?
- The bet is off.

You can turn in your-your whisk
broom and your phony accent

and let out a big burp
and let's get on with it.

[imitates beeper]

[ALF snoring]

[imitates beeper]


What? What? What?

What are you doing?

Well, I was sleeping
till you woke me up.

Well, since when do you
sleep standing up?

Since I started sleeping
with that box on my head.

You look ridiculous.

Well, not everyone
sleeps like you

mouth open,
drooling on the pillow.

[imitates Willie snoring]

Go on, go back to the couch.

It's too dangerous out there.

I had to kill
a 50-foot water snake

with my pocket knife.

There, there are no
50-foot water snakes

in the backyard.

I'm telling you,
it was bright green

and it spit water.

[imitates spitting]

That was my new garden hose.

Oh. No wonder it was
sucking on the spigot.

Hey, Lynn!

You want to take over
for Willie?


Your move.




So, doc,
what did you think?

Well, judging
from those clips

I think you have
a little trouble

meshing with the family unit.

Oh, yeah?
So is your grandmother.

That's a rather
defensive attitude, ALF.

Are you afraid to face
a realistic assessment of your..

♪ I can't hear you
I'm not even listening ♪

♪ I'm the guest host
you are just a guest ♪♪

Maybe I'd better come back
at another time.

- I'm sorry.
- Why?

Do you feel threatened
when prevented

from espousing tenets
of your so-called profession?

Possibly revealing a lack
of maturity on your part.

So is your grandmother.

Way to go, ALF.

Joyce Brothers' been coming
on this show for 25 years

and that's the first time
she walked off.

Well, what did I do?

She's the one who forgot
to bring clips.

Uh-oh. Here comes
the producer.

Oh. Hi, Freddy.

It's Fred De Cordova

executive producer
of "The Tonight Show."

ALF, uh..

Pope John Paul.

Fred, John Paul Jones.

Your turn.


There is a logical sequence

by which we bring out
guests on this show, uh..

World religious leaders

doctors, uh, people from zoos.

So what?

Well, if you'll read
your contract

if you don't do it our way,
you don't get paid.


Ladies and gentlemen

His Holiness
Pope John Paul II.

[instrumental music]

So, what's the deal?

His Holiness is
in the restroom.

He drank a lot of coffee
waiting to come on.

So, now what are we gonna do?

Oh, I know, let's play
Stump the Band.

You hold down the band,
I'll saw of their legs.

Oh, my.

You could bring out
another one of your guests.

Alright, alright.

Send out whoever
you got back there.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Joan.
Welcome to the show.

Ladies and gentlemen

Joan Embery
of the San Diego Zoo.

[audience applauding]

Joan, Joan, you didn't have
to bring me a snack.

This is Felis Catus,
a domestic house cat.

My favorite!

Hey, that, now, that looks
like the cat from your show.

Why, so it is.

You know, I had planned
on bringing

a reticulated python

but somebody let him go
and put this cat in his cage.

It was probably the Pope.

He's been hanging around
backstage all night.

The Pope told me you did it.

Hey, who are you gonna believe,
me or the Pope?

Did you bring any clips?

No, I brought a snake.

Well, I have a few clips
I think you might enjoy.

Roll 'em.

6:13. One minute to go,

Then I'll be down on you
like a buzzard on a gut wagon.

[bell dings]

The Duck a l'Orange is ready.

Have some wine,
it'll slow down your reflexes.

Alright. Hold still, Lucky.

I'll be off your back
in a minute.



The only good cat
is a stir-fried cat.

Did you ever hear
the expression

curiosity killed the cat?

Yeah, it's usually followed
by the expression

"Pass the plum sauce."

Hello, young man?

Hello, old woman.

Uh, we are terribly sorry
to bother you so late

but we-we couldn't
get out any earlier.

Oh, well, I'm afraid that
I gave my last candy bar away

over an hour ago.

Oh, shucks.

Now, I'll see if I can find
something else.

[cat purrs]

Was that a cat?

Oh, yes, I have lots of cats.

Well, I'll take a yellow one.

What is cat...juice?

Well, it's just like
orange juice.

But instead of squeezing
the juice out of an orange

you squeeze the juice
out of a...

- I-I don't want to hear it.
- Then cover your ears.

- Cat.
- I heard it.

You were warned.


Too rough?

- You're awful.
- Hey, Joan, relax.

I haven't eaten a single cat
since I've been here.

They've all been married!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ah! Ah!

I'm reporting you
to the ASPCA.

Oh, just what I need,
union problems.

Next time you have
a cat on the show

make sure you bring
enough for everybody.

Nice going, ALF.
You're two for two.

Why don't you get the Pope
out here and try for a shut-out?

Ha! Good one,
driver's Ed! Ha ha!

[cup shattering]


You broke Johnny's cup.

Hey, that's nothing.

You should see what I did
to his dressing room.

I've never seen
Johnny's dressing room.

I-I mean, I-I'm not allowed.

Oh, great. It's Fred
with a phone.

Don't you have an office, man?

There's a phone call for you.

In case you haven't noticed

I happen to be hosting
"The Tonight Show."

Can't you take a message?

It's Mr. Carson.


Tell him I'm not here.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So, Johnny, have you been
watching the show?

Yeah? What do you think?

Alright, alright, I'm sorry
I broke your cup.

Have you been
enjoying the clips?


- Uh-huh.
- What'd he say?

He said if I don't shape up

he'll send over
a near-sighted veterinarian

to make a few clips of his own.

You'd probably like to see

how I get out
of this mess, huh?

No problem.
Watch the next "ALF."

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughing]

[instrumental music]