ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 3 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - full transcript

Jake pops by because Raquel and Trevor are fighting. This time she throws him out. Kate offers to let him stay in their house. Trevor soon becomes a nuisance, so ALF decides to solve the problem.

Ooh, ham and eggs!
Thanks, Kate.

Oh, no.
ALF, these are for everyone.


Actually, I'm in the mood
for oatmeal.

I think I'll, uh,
get somethin' at work.

I'm gonna have
to change my shirt.

- Who is it?
- 'It's me, Jake.'

Oh, come on in, Jake.

Joy. That's twice
my appetite's been killed.

Hey, morning, Jake Kiboody.
What brings you over?

Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor
have been fightin' again.

What was it about this time?

Allow me.

Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob,
that he doesn't appreciate her

and some other
female paranoia nonsense.

Hey, you crawl under people's
houses, you hear things.

Jake, would you like
to join us for breakfast?

Whatcha havin'?

Green eggs and ham.


'Hey, Tanners, it's me!'

Oh, great.
Pig outus interruptus.


Oh, come on in, Trevor.

- Oh, what's up?
- Uh, nothing much.

And even if there was
I'm not the kind of guy

that would burden you
with my problems.

Raquel just threw me out.

Oh, Trevor, I'm sorry.

She called me a slob.

We know.

- Hey, I didn't tell 'em.
- Who did?

Uh...I did.

Somehow she got
the ridiculous idea

that she doesn't
love me anymore.

So, are you, uh, looking
for a place to stay, Trevor?


Uh, leg cramp.

I don't know
where I'm gonna stay.

Do you know anybody that would
kindly put me up for the night?



You can stay here, Trevor.

Oh, well, thanks.
Heh, I-I'll be right back.

Come on, Jake. Help me pick
my clothes off the lawn.

Oh, where does
that freeloading sloth

get off crashing our party?

I don't know, ALF.

Why don't you have
a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

I can't believe it,
this makes two broken homes

I've come from in one year.
I'm a jinx.

Oh, it's not your fault.
They've had fights before.

Why does Mr. Ochmonek
have to stay here?

Are there no work farms?

Are there no prisons?

ALF, try to be
a little more sensitive.

I am sensitive.

I'm sensitive to the fact

I'm looking at another stay
in garage med.

Hide, ALF.
He's coming back.


I really appreciate this, Kate.

Oh, don't mention it.

And don't worry, I'm sure
this will all blow over

in about a week or two.

Trevor, when you asked
if we could put you up

for the night, we assumed
you meant for the night.

That's another thing
Raquel hates about me.

I'm vague.

You can use Brian's room.
He can double up with Lynn.

- No way!
- I'll take that deal.

No way!

Hey, maybe you and Willie
could sleep in Brian's room.

No way.

What a bummer!

Just don't snore.

It's like sleeping
with a buzz saw.

I'll trade ya.

I'll sleep with the buzz saw

you sleep with the lawn mower.

♪ Take a step back ♪

♪ ...move you nice and slow ♪

♪ Don't run and hide ♪

♪ Let it out ♪

♪ Shout it's the way to go.. ♪♪

Good morning, Trevor!

Oh, hi, Kate.


I hope my suburb blaster
didn't wake you up.

No, no.

This was me and Raquel's
favorite song.

Boy, that Sinatra could sing.

That sounds like Pink Floyd.

I know that, Willie.

I was making
two separate comments.

Did you get enough to eat?

Actually no.
All I could find was cereal.

When you guys
have a midnight snack

you pull out all the stops.

Oh, you didn't do this?

I did.

I had a craving last night.

For green pepper?

They make me drowsy.

Well, I'd offer you
a bowl of cereal

except I used
the last of the milk.

I'll just..

...go down to the store
and get some.

Why do that? I'll just borrow
some from Mrs. Byrd.

Oh, there's no need
to bother her, Trevor.

Ah, it's okay.
She owes me.

I lent her your hedge clippers,
and she never gave them back.

How inconsiderate.

I say we lock the door,
throw away the key and move.

I assume that we have you
to thank for this...mess.

Hey, it was time for my
bimonthly feeding frenzy

except he interrupted me.

So this one doesn't count, okay?

It counts. Okay?

- Good morning.
- 'Morning, Brian. Lynn.'

Feeding frenzy?

Yeah, but this one
doesn't count.

It counts!

Brian, how come
you're not dressed?

I was too tired.
I didn't get any sleep.

Yeah, we kept on hearing
Mr. Ochmonek

moaning and groaning.

Oh, how could Raquel
do this to me?


Actually that was me.

You kept singing
"Swing Low Sweet Chariot."

This is embarrassing.

Look, let's all
just be patient.

It's only been one night.

Yeah, one night and we're
already at each other's throats.

We're not
at each other's throats.

Lean over.

Get back to the garage!

Well, who do I see
to file a grievance?

I believe the alien task force's
grievance committee.

I withdraw the question.

ALF, what are you doing?
Trevor will see you.

Chill out.
He's not here, Kate-le rustler.

He got a call saying
there was a package for him

at the post office.

Could have been a crank call.

You called him, didn't you?

I had to get him out of here.
Even for an hour!

Raquel's saying stuff like
she's never gonna take him back.

How do you know
what Raquel is saying?

You crawl under people's..

Houses, you hear things.

- ALF.
- What?

You know what.

Yeah, Willie, I know what

but if I have to do it, the
least you could do is say it. the kitchen.

Thank you.

Boy, have I got him trained.

'Kate? Willie?'

Oh, Raquel,
this is a pleasant surprise.

I hope this means that...

Yeah, don't get your hopes up,

This is more of Trevor's things.

- Jake?
- 'Yo.'

Just drop it anywhere.

Oh, that moose head
seems awfully final.

It is final.

I saw Trevor sneaking out

of the widow Byrd's house
this morning.

He couldn't even wait one day
before he started slumming it.


He was, he was at
the widow Byrd's to borrow milk.

Raquel, hi. What's going on?

Moose head.

Oh, no.

Raquel saw Trevor
at Mrs. Byrd's.

It isn't enough
that he's having a sordid affair

but he has to have it out
in the open where anybody

with a decent pair
of binoculars can see.

Raquel, he just went over there
to borrow some milk.

Well, since you've obviously
taken his side

you can keep him.

Come on, Jake,
you're the man of the house now.

Hey, does this mean I get
to watch sports in my underwear?

Hey, why didn't you guys tell me
we were having moose tonight?

I wouldn't have
ruined my appetite.

Oh, Lord!

Please tell us why you continue
to place such ordinary people

in such
extraordinary situations?

Never mind.

Hello, Mr. Littwhack?

Uh, did you know that
the Ochmoneks are splitsville?

Well, I care.

Quick question.

Can you put
Trevor up for a week?

How about a night?

Well, when is it scheduled
to freeze over?

0 for 18.


Is this Myrna Byrd?

Thank you very much
for humiliating me

in front of
the entire neighborhood.

What do you mean, Raquel?

Calling everybody
about Trevor and me.

Just because I occasionally make

other people's business
my business

doesn't mean my business
is any of their business.

So would you mind
minding your own business?

Well, I certainly
didn't tell anyone.

I know Kate
wouldn't tell anyone.

You didn't tell anyone,
did you, Kate?

Of course not.

Kate didn't tell anyone.

Well, somebody told
the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis

the Montenegros, the Gans,
the Lustacuffs, the Metgers

the Fetgers, the Schmitzkys,
the Kipkys, the Feins

the Steins, the Limbecks,
the Willards

the Logans,
the Hogans and the Kogans.

So the next time that you want
to drag somebody's dirty laundry

through the suburban mud,
try your own.


Or better yet, Mrs. Holbuts.

She just had a nose job,
you know.

Slo-o-owly I turn.

I'm going to the garage now.

I'm gonna have a word
with the town crier.

♪ All my bags are packed ♪

♪ I'm ready to go ♪

♪ I'm staying
in the garage no more ♪

♪ Da ta da ta.. ♪♪


Do these names ring a bell?

The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis,
the Montenegros, the Gans

the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers,
the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys

the Kipkys, the Feins,
the Steins, the Limbecks

the Willards, the Hogans,
the Logans and the Kogans?

What was the question?

Before I pull every hair
out of your neck

I wanna ask you something.

Did you call those people

and tell them about
Trevor and Raquel?

I decline to answer
on the grounds

that I need my neck hair.

Just mind your own business,

In other words, you
disapprove of what I've done?


I know that this is
an inconvenience for all of us

but what you're doing
is just making things worse.

You're right, Willie.

How could I have been so blind?

You know, I've only
been thinking of myself.

You're not just saying this

because of that
neck hair business?

No. No, I mean it.

I've seen the error of my ways
and will endeavor to do better.

Well, thank you.

No. Thank you, Willie.

Thank you.

Hello. Uh, I'd like
to order some flowers

for Raquel Ochmonek.

I don't know, whatever
Merlin Olsen would send.

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

Oh, ALF.

♪ Sweet sweet ♪

♪ Chariot chario.. ♪♪


Did you know that Shakespeare
said once...that

"There's nothing
either good or bad

but thinking makes it so."

Shakespeare never slept
on a cold cement slab.

- I know.
- Well, he is now, but I...

Drop it!

Willie, did you know that
there are 9875 little dots

on this ceiling?

- You counted them?
- No, I guessed.

'Hey, Tanner, you in there?'

Oh, yeah. Just a second.

I've had it, I've had it.
I refuse to budge one inch.

'Oh! Aah!'

'I suppose
you think you're clever.'

What's the idea sending
these flowers to my wife?

- Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
- Don't play innocent with me.

You thought by not
sending a card

I wouldn't know
who they were from.

Oh, wait a minute,
if there was no card

what makes you think
they were from me?

I called the florist.

He said they were charged
to your credit card!

Anybody who would spend 79.95
on another man's wife

plus tax and delivery
is lookin' for trouble.

There must be..

Plus tax and delivery.

There must be some mistake.

Hey, Tanner, the only mistake
I made was trusting you.

If I ever catch you
near my wife again

I'm movin' out of your house.

Is there a chance that
you heard any of that?

Well, I've heard enough.

Does Kate know
you have a thing for Raquel?

You sent those flowers,
didn't you?

Hey, I took a shot.

It obviously didn't work

but I've got
another plan that's foolproof.

Stay out of this!


I'm just going now.

Uh, I-I'm going to try
and straighten things out

with Trevor
and when I come back

we'll be talking neck hair.

- Hi, ALF.
- Hi.

We gotta find a way to get
my aunt and uncle back together.

Too late, Jake.
I can't help ya.

I promised Willie
I'd stay out of it.

Fine, fine,
j-just stand on the sidelines

and watch me be packed off

to live with another
bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks

never to be heard from again.

Believe it or not,
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor

are the best of the lot.

Are you trying to con me
into helping you?

Is it workin'?

Sort of.

What will it take
to put you over the top?

- Donuts.
- What's your idea?

You come up with donuts,
I'll come up with the idea.

That's the deal.

Okay, now, what's the idea?

Give me another donut
and I'll tell ya.

Tell me first.

What are we doin'
in my aunt and uncle's bedroom?

We're looking for a key
to their romantic past, if any.

Are you sure Raquel
won't be back soon?

She went to the beauty parlor.

'Nuff said.

Hey, nice digs.

I never realized your aunt
and uncle had so much class.

Hey, there might be
somethin' romantic in here.

It's Aunt Raquel's jewelry box.

Aah! Turquoise alert!
Turquoise alert!

- Put that away.
- Okay, okay.

Just tell me what
we're looking for.

I'll tell you
when I've found it.

I think I found it.

A wad of paper?

Yeah, yeah. This is it.

'Jake, are you home?'

It's Aunt Raquel. Look, you stay
here, I'll get rid of her.

Fine. Leave the donuts.

Uh, maybe you better hide,
just in case.


'Oh, a piece of cheese.'

Never mind.

Aunt Raquel,
what happened to you?

- I went to the beauty parlor.
- I hope you didn't leave a tip.

Mrs. Byrd and I had
a slight altercation.

That hussy was getting
gussied up for my husband.

So got in a fight with her?

Ladies do not fight.

I simply suggested that

she keep her meat hooks
off of my man.

And if the manicurist
hadn't pulled me off her

I might have gotten
in a few more suggestions.

Uh, Aunt Raquel,
where're you goin'?

Upstairs to rest.

'Hey, not on the bed though.'

'Of course, on the bed.'

what is the matter with you?

Uh, nothin'. N-nothin'.
I-I guess I'm just distraught.

Y-you know,
about you and Uncle Trevor.


I know it's painful,
but we have to face the facts.

Trevor just does
not understand me.


Go away!

'I'm comin' up.'

You see what I mean?

- Everybody down.
- What?

The terrorist.
Where's the terrorist?

- What are you talking about?
- Huh?

A concerned neighbor called

and said you were being
held hostage by a terrorist.

Do you see a terrorist in here?

Fine. Fine.
Sue me for worryin' about ya.

So have a nice life.


Yo what?

U-uh, y-y-yo, yo this, I guess.

What is it?

It's a crumpled piece of paper
with writing on it.

That's the poem that your
Uncle Trevor wrote to me

last year when we renewed
our wedding vows.

Oh, uh, uh, read it,
Aunt Raquel.

"To Raquel, the most
wonderful woman in the world.

"You're the meaning of my life.
You're the inspiration.

"You bring meaning to my life.
You're the inspiration.

"I wanna have you near me.

"I wanna have you hear me saying

'No one needs you
more than I need you.'"

You threw that away?

Don't you know how long
it took me to write that?

You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.

I mean, it took me
a long time to write it down.

Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor?

I knew you didn't
write this poem.

Then why didn't you call me
on it?

Because it didn't matter.

What mattered was
is that you gave it to me.


...I meant every word I stole.

I guess times have changed.

"Does Anybody Really Know
What Time It Is?"

I'm sorry.

I'm just tryin' to tell you
that I still love you, Raquel.

More than arena football?


Oh, I should know better
than to try to change you.

Take me back, Raquel, hm?

I-I promise
I'll try not to be a slob.

Although in all fairness you did
know I was raised in a barn.


What was that?


Leg cramp.

Uh, w-why don't we all
go get Uncle Trevor's stuff?

Good idea!


I'll carry the moose head.

Well, I missed you, Raquel.

"You're A Hard Habit To Break."

Okay, you can come out now, ALF.

Oh, oh, thanks.

You're a lifesaver.

You're more than a lifesaver.

You're a milk dud.

How'd you know about
that poem anyway?

Well, Raquel was reading it
to herself last night.

You crawl under
people's houses..

You hear things.

Ah, ah.