ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 2 - Stairway to Heaven - full transcript

With the help of his guardian angel, ALF finds out what life would be like for the Tanners if they never met him.

Well, thank you, thank you.

And welcome
to the Second Annual

Tanner Invitational
Croquet Tournament.

- Yay!
- Okay.

Uh, introducing
the defending champions

Lynn and Brian Tanner.

- 'Yeah.'
- Whoo!

- 'Alright.'
- Yeah.

And the challengers, Kate

and, uh-uh, of course,
Willie Tanner.

Boo! Hiss!

Murder the bums!

I thought referees were
supposed to be impartial.

[blows whistle]
That's it, mouthing off.

You're outta here.

I think we need
a referee with at least

a nodding acquaintance
with the rules.

Now, see here.

Croquet happened to be
Melmac's biggest sport.

Only there it was
called muck sucking.


Hey, I didn't name it.

- Is it played the same?
- Exactly.

Except you need four newly-wed
couples and Bob Eubanks.

Oh-oh, and the swing
was slightly different.

Here, I'll show you.
Block me, Willie.



Now you see why it was
called muck sucking.

Willie, are you alright?

Ah, I'm not sure. I..

- And I think my shin is broken.
- Oh.

And he said he never played
this game before.

Lynn, help me get
your dad in the house.

Put him on the couch,
I'll have a look at him there.

Stay away from me!

I just wanna help.

I just wanna be
a safe distance from you

if there is such a place.

[Willie grunts]

Guess it's just you and me,
you little muck sucker.

I don't wanna play with you,
ALF, you're too dangerous.

Oh, what a day.

First I broke
Willie's windshield.

Then I broke Willie's power-saw.

Now, I broke Willie.

Sometimes I think the Tanners
will be better off without me.

Sometimes I wish
I'd never come here.

I wish, I wish..

I wish I could figure out
this thing called gravity.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]


A wholly-owned subsidiary.

You think
your shin hurts, Wilco.

Take a gander
at the knot on my noggin.

Will you please pass
the hearts of palm, father?

- Certainly, son.
- Thank you.

Did the temperature
just drop in here?

And how did you get Brian
to eat hearts of palm?

Hmm, a perfect compliment
to the steak tartare.


Hey, how about
a little sympathy?

I just took a blow that
would've knocked out Mike Tyson.

- Do you like some more, dear?
- Oh, thanks, mom.


Alright, Cicely Tyson.

Save room for
the creme brulee everyone.

Oh, I for one, certainly will.

Well, excuse me for bleeding.

Wait. What is this?

Freeze out the reckless alien?

What a lot of food.

There's certainly gonna be
a lot left.

We wouldn't have any
leftovers if we had a dog.

Right, we'd eat
the dog in one sitting.

Ha! Ha!

Isn't anyone gonna get repulsed?

Come on, Tanners, talk to me.

They can't see or hear you, ALF.


Help! Help!
There's a stranger in the house.

I've been unveiled.

They can't see me either.


Uh-uh, grease fire.
Grease fire!

Funny, that usually
gets a big reaction.

- Believe me now?
- No.

I don't believe any of this.

- Who are you?
- My name is Bob.

- I'm your guardian angel.
- Right.

And I'm the Easter alien.

Well, I don't have all day.

- Are you ready?
- Ready for what?

To start your new life,
I'm here to grant you

the wish you made
this morning.

You got me a date
with Sheena Easton?

Do you recall these words

"I wish that I had
a different life?"

I never said that.

Oh, alright, I'm paraphrasing!

If you must know
your exact words..

"Sometimes I wish
that I'd never come here.

I wish, I wish. Bonk."

Y.. Bonk?

Oh, yes, that's when
the mallet hit you.

Now, do you remember
saying that?

I say so many things.

I'm a Scorpio, you know?

Well, your wish
has been granted.

History has been revised

and your life with
the Tanners never happened.

But I've wished
for a lot of things.

How come this is the one
you're giving me?

It's a new law.
The Capra Amendment.

Anyone who asks for
a new life gets one.

Colorization is optional.

Yeah, well,
we better be going.

Uh, yeah, okay, fine.

Um, just give me
a minute to say goodbye.

Alright, I give up.

You made your point.

Tell the guy from ghost-o-gram
over there to go home.

It's no use, ALF,
they can't see you.

If you don't believe me,
look in the mirror.

[indistinct chatter]

Strange. I thought
I broke that mirror.

Look again.

It is broken.
I don't see our reflections.

Eek! We're vampires!

No, we're not vampires.

We don't cast reflections

because we don't exist
in this place.

Well, if I don't exist

these poor people
must be miserable.

You know, our lives
have turned out better

than I ever dreamed
would have been possible.

I agree, we have two wonderful
kids, comfortable income

this great house
with no aliens living in it.

You made them say that.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- Did not.
- Did to.

- Nuh-uh.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, by the way,
thanks again for the Maserati.

Hmm. Our pleasure.

Is it okay if I give
Julie my Porsche?

- Oh, sure, honey.
- Thanks.

It's her birthday
and I forgot to get her a card.

Okay, so they've got
a little more money.

[doorbell dings]

I'll get it.

Aren't you gonna ask me
to hide in the kitchen, Willie?

Hi, guys, come on in.

Brian has friends?

They couldn't come over
when you lived here.

Come on out back,
we just got a new slide.

They're excited about a slide?

- Big deal.
- It's a pool slide.

Well, their yard isn't
big enough for a pool.

It is now.

They bought the Ochmonek's house
and tore it down.

The Ochmonek's moved away?

Not exactly.

Your after dinner tea,
monsieur, fraulein, senorita?

- Merci.
- Danke.


Don't tell me, they live in
the servants quarters?


Well, how did the Tanners
get all this money?

Without you around,
there were fewer expenses.

And you weren't here
to accidentally eat

Willie's lottery ticket.

Hey, I thought it
was a Wheat Thin.

Well, if I don't live here,
where do I live?

What's my life like?

Oh, it's a wonderful life.

Would you like a sneak preview?


[instrumental music]

Where are we?

Cosmique Cosmetics.

Oh, good,
I'm almost out of Henna Rinse.

- This is where you work.
- Work?

You mean in my new life
I have a job?


But I'm a domestic alien.

See, I belong at home.

Guarding the refrigerator

monitoring TV programming
for the children.

Nevertheless, this is your
new life and in it, you work.

We're falling behind
in our hourly quota.

I better speed this thing up.

You know how the boss
feels about quotas.

Oh, sounds like
a great place to work.

Thanks a lot, Bob-O.

Maybe I should let
you meet the boss.

You might like him.

No, you don't understand.
I can't work.

It'll put me in a tax bracket.

- Ready to go?
- No.


I really wish I could do that.

Only angels can
transport themselves.

- No, I mean snap my fingers.
- 'Oh.'

Well, this is the boss's office.

What do you think?

It could use a skylight
and a deli counter.

And they say you're shallow.

Look, Bob-O, I have
enough anxiety in my life

without taking orders
from some slave driving jerk.

Freddy! Freddy!

Who do you think
you're kidding, huh?

Your report was a mockery
of a travesty of a fake sham.

Unless you think
you can live on unemployment.

You better fix it.
To it pronto.

Well, what do you think?

I think he's an incredibly
handsome slave driving jerk.

Send in Mavis Winkler.

- Impressed?
- Yeah.

That suit makes
my body look like a "V".

I have the financial statements
for last quarter, Mr. Shumway.

Thank you, Mavis.
How are we doing?

Sales are up 122%
over the previous quarter.

The cost of good sold
declined by 30%

since we fully depreciated
the Peoria plant.

- And the projected...
- Ho ho ho.

Pull over and stay
in the vehicle, Mavis.

- What's the bottom line?
- You're rich.

- How rich?
- So rich.

I maybe rich
but I'm not rich enough.

- Raise prices immediately.
- I'll get right on that, sir.

Never mind.
I'll handle it myself.

Mary Elizabeth, can you
please come right in?

Take a memo.

How did I become
this captain of industry?

Well, when you arrived on Earth

you crashed into the cosmetics
section of Bloomingdale's.

Blue radiator fluid
from your space craft

leaked into a couple
of empty cosmetics bottles.

Well, Jackie Onassis bought one.

The other was allegedly
purchased by Bess Myerson.

Well, Jackie wore the perfume

to Leona Helmsley's
New Year's Eve party.

Well, Leona flipped
for the fragrance

and she asked Donald Trump
to take a sniff.

Alright, alright.
I got the picture.

Gee, give a man eternity
and he talks your ear off.

Anyway to make
a long story short

your radiator fluid is now
America's most popular perfume.

Shumway Number 5.

Huh. Did I do anything
with my axle grease?

Shumway lip gloss.

How about my carburetor sludge?

Preparation Shumway.

And all I had to do
is wish for all this?

No starting in the mailroom?

No marrying the boss's
ugly daughter?

- None of that?
- That's right.

And I don't have to hide from
the Alien Task Force anymore?

The president called them off

when you put the federal deficit
on your gold card.

Okay, Bob. You win.
This life looks great.

Sign me up.


[keys clanking]

I'll just get this paperwork
out of the way

and it's a done deal.

Try not to panic, Bob,
but I think we're on fire.


Oh, don't worry.
Those are just clouds.

Well, I guess I've looked
at these from both sides now.

[plane droning]

Is it my imagination?

Or did a 747
just go by...under us.

A clear violation
of our air space.

I'll make a note.

Look, it's Michael Landon.

Hey, you.
Get off of my cloud.

Ha ha.
Oh, I kill me.

"Incidentally, your hobby
is racing Learjets.

"Last book read, 'Zen and
the Art of Acquisitions.'

Favorite quote, 'Greed Works.'"

You know, this new life
is gonna be great.

I'm gonna be rich,
drive a big car.

Make a note.
Call Sheena Easton.

No, no, first I'll call
the Tanners

and invite them over for pizza.

Then we'll call Sheena Easton.

I'm afraid that isn't possible.

Well, fine.
Then call Kelly Girl.

Tell them to send over
Kelly McGillis

and Kelly Lebrock.

I mean you won't be able
to invite the Tanners over.

After the transition
you won't remember them.

Oh, sure I will.

Just because I'm gonna
be rich doesn't mean

I'll forget the little people.

I'm afraid you will, ALF.

You'll forget the Tanners
and everything

about your former life.

Oh, everyone's a little
nervous at first.

I'm sure you're going to be
very happy in your new life.

Oh, I can't imagine being happy
in a life without the Tanners.

Oh, come off it, ALF.

Think of your secretary

think of your profit margins

think of your other secretary.

And you saw how well the Tanners
were doing without you.

Well, I guess you're right.

But can I at least go back
and see them one last time?

I've got to join
a frequent flier club.


The engram gambit.

I'm not sure I'm going
to be able to counter that.

Do what I do!

Wait for her to look away,
then eat the horse.

Mother, father.

How was the bassoon lesson,

Teacher said my embouchure
is getting better.

Well, until it does,
don't breathe on me!

Wonderful, dear.

Without me around

all the straight lines
are going to waste.

Well, I'm off.

Going out back to the driving
range, are you, Brian?

Yes, I've got to work
on my slice.

Tell me again, father,
why do I enjoy golf so?

Because it gives you
an opportunity

to cultivate business contacts,
my boy.

Oh, yes.
Thank you, father.

Golf? Business contacts?

Brian's supposed to be a kid,
not a republican.

Nobody's having
any fun around here.

I haven't heard anybody laugh
in the last five minutes.

Oh, Katherine,
did I tell you the joke

about the elephant's footprints
in...the cheesecake?

No, I don't believe you did.


How do you know..

...when an elephant
has been in your refrigerator?


You'll find his footprints.. the cheesecake.

I see.

This is pathetic.

The Tanner's aren't
better off without me.

They're bored.

Worse than that,
they're boring!

They don't seem unhappy.

Well, that's because
they don't know any better.

I'm not around
to liven things up.

You know, Katherine..

As wonderful as our lives are..

...I sometimes get the feeling
that something's missing.

Now that you've mentioned it,
I've been feeling the same way.

- You made them say that.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- Did not.

- Did to.
- Nuh-uh.



[glass shattering]

Why did you do that, dear?

Every once in a while

I just feel the need
to hear something breaking.

- I told you they'd miss me!
- Don't be ridiculous.

- They don't even know you.
- Okay, then they need me.

Look at Willie. The poor guy
has to break everything himself.

Will there be anything else?

Would you be so kind
as to belch for us?


Thank you, Raquel.

No problem.

That's disgusting!

You wanted to say goodbye.
I think you should say it now.

I changed my mind.
I'm not leaving.

And you can't make me.


I stand corrected.

- Sign here.
- I'm not signing.

Well, have it your way.

It's a mere formality, anyway.

Look, the Tanner's
aren't better off

just because
they have more money.

And I don't wanna be rich

if it means,
I'll never get to see them.

It's the people
in your life that count.

Not the material things.

What is this,
"Family Ties?"

Well, at the very least,
someone's gotta teach

that Willie how to tell a joke.

It's too late, ALF.
What's done is done.

Well, forget it.
I'm not going.

I know my rights.

- Get me a lawyer.
- This is heaven.

There are no lawyers here.

Prepare to enter your new life.

No! No! Wait! Wait!

This, this whole thing
is a mistake.

The deal is off!
The deal is off!

The deal is off!

The deal is off..
The deal is off.

I think he's waking up.



Can you, can you hear me?

Auntie Em? Auntie Em?

Is that you?

Pay no attention to the man
behind the curtain.

It's Kate.
It's Kate. Are you alright?

Well, I think so.

Aah! Ow!

We worried about you.



Kate. Kate!


Willie! Willie, I'm back!

Bob sent me back!

Who's Bob?

My guardian angel.

See, I wished I never
crashed into your garage.

So, Bob took me away from you.

And Willie smoked a pipe.

ALF, you were just dreaming.

We found you in the backyard.

You were unconscious.

You were sucking muck.

Yeah, you must have
knocked yourself out

with the croquet mallet.

I'm sorry
I yelled at you, ALF.

We were really worried.

We thought you might have..

- Well, you know..
- Kicked the bucket?

Bit the big one.

Bought the box condo.

Checked into the Maggot Motel.


Takin' a dirt nap?


I'm done.

ALF, I couldn't imagine what
life would be like without you.

Believe me,
you don't wanna know.

By the way.
Do we have a pool?


It doesn't matter.

I'm home now.

The Maserati's probably not
happening either, right?

Are you sure you're alright?

Hey, what could be wrong?

I'm here with my Tanners.

Everything's back to normal.

Just the way I like it.

A gift for you, Willie,
from the bottom of my heart.

[glass shattering]

Don't thank me.

I need popcorn.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Are you almost ready, dear?
- 'I'll be right out.'

Hello. Bloomingdale's
Perfume Department?

Yeah, I have your next
tremendous seller here.

This stuff will be on the nape

of every female neck
in the nation.

- 'Aah!'
- Hold on a second.

What do you know about this?

I notice it doesn't
absorb very well.

Smells like radiator fluid.

Hello? Could you transfer me
to your automotive department?

[theme music]

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]