ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 1 - Stop in the Name of Love - full transcript

Kate, this lasagna
looks really great!

Very well worth
the interminable wait.

I asked you twice
to stop doing that.

What? We're just having
a pre-dinner chat.

You know what I mean.

Rhyming everything I say.

No problem, Willie,
have it your way.

Kate!

Kate, he's doing it again.

What?

He's rhyming the last word
of everything I say.



Go ahead, ALF.

He's been doing it all day.

Now, he's got me doing it.

[door opens]

What a creep.

I never want to see him again.

I guess Lynn and her boyfriend
had a fight.

We should go see
if she's alright.

Oh, sure, when Kate makes
a rhyme it's no big deal.

Just for that,
I'm eating your meal.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Okay, dad, your turn.

Okay..



Science or sports?

He'll take science.

Do you mind?

I can pick my own category.

Who won the Super Bowl
last year?

I'll take science.

What is the primary element
of the planet Jupiter?

Oh, it's easy. Hydrogen.

Eh! You're wrong!

It's buttermilk.

Willie's right.

It's hydrogen.

Then why do they call it
the Dairy Planet?

Who calls it the Dairy Planet?

Jupitonians.

It's on their license plates.

Mom, it's your turn.

Okay.

Entertainment.

Okay, uh,
what singing phenomenon...

Eh! Florence Henderson.

ALF, it's not your turn.

The answer's not
Florence Henderson.

It's Shirley Jones.

Oh, like there's
really a difference.

Mail's here.

Not that it matters.

Oh, come and join us, honey.

Take ALF's place.

I don't really feel like it.

I'll be in my room.
Not that it matters.

Gee, what a downer.

It's only been a week
since she broke up with L-Lloyd.

I never understood,
why he pronounced both the Ls.

Because he was a l-lox.

You know, it takes a little time
to get over a break-up.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Well, see you l-later.

ALF, there's
a book here for you.

You ordered a book?

Don't worry, Wilco.

It was free.

For joining
the Book-of-the-Month Club.

You joined
the Book-of-the-Month Club?

Well, technically, you did.

Fortunately, they didn't
run a credit check.

"Shelley Winters' Guide
to True Love?"

We're sending it back.

It's not for me.

It's to help Lynn.

Oh-ho. This'll be a great help.

"Chapter One.

Love is like a pizza."

Brilliant!

"Love is like a pizza.

"Sometimes it's cold and flat

"sometimes it's hot and gooey.

"The secret is
to take it a slice at a time

and hold the anchovies."

ALF, I don't wanna
talk about love..

...or pizza.

Well, according to Shelley

you're wallowing
in the muck of self-pity.

She says you'll feel better

if you confide
in a close friend.

So come on, confide.

Alright.

L-Lloyd wants to go out
with other girls.

Ugh. There's that name again.

Do you want me
to confide or not?

Sorry.

L-Lloyd.

We were so perfect
for each other.

We were gonna get married
at the planetarium.

He was even gonna
name a comet after me.

What was he
gonna name it? L-Lynn?

Last time, I promise.

[knock on door]

She wants to be alone!

[door opens]

I just dropped in
to say goodnight

and see if you need anything.

No thanks, mom.

Frozen yogurt for me, thanks.

ALF, I was asking Lynn.

From that place at the mall,
if you're going that way.

Drive carefully.

I'll never love anyone again.

Oh, sure.
Let's get back to your problem.

ALF, you're the one
who wanted me to talk about it.

Alright.

Aren't there any other fellas
you'd like to date?

Well..

...there is this one guy..

But that doesn't mean
he'd wanna go out with me.

Well, who is it?

His name is Danny Duckworth.

He's on the baseball team.

Let's see..

Uh...here's his picture.

The dork holding
the water bucket?

No, no, no,
that's his cousin Donnie.

See, Danny's the one
swinging the three bats.

So call him up.

I can't do that,
he'd know I like him.

You don't want the boy you like

to know you like him?

- Right.
- Makes sense.

You don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

Nobody on this planet
ever says what they mean.

We say what we mean.

As long as the other person
says it first.

Shelley, Shelley,
it's up to you, babe.

Come on. Don't let me down.

Ah. "Chapter Two.

"Take action.

Ask a friend to fix you up."

Well, there you have it.

Yo, operator.

Do you have a listing
for a Duckworth?

[instrumental music]

Why would he even try
making banana coffee?

I don't think you even
want...to know.

Hey, Willie,
when's the last time

you changed
the blades in this razor?

Oh, my-my razor is elec..

[gasps]

Why were you shaving?

According to Shelley
women like clean-shaven men.

Don't ever touch..

...anything that
touches my face.

(Lynn)
'ALF?'

How could you do this to me?

I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Lynn, what's wrong?

I have got a date to go bowling

with Donnie Duckworth,
the geekiest guy in school

thanks to my brother ALF.

Your brother?

That's what he told Donnie

when he called him on the phone.

You wanted me to.

I did not want you to!

Well, you said
you liked the guy.

I said I liked Danny Duckworth.

You called Donnie, his cousin.

Danny, Donnie,
Florence, Shirley.

I'm getting a headache!

Think I'll go lie down.

Well, hold it right there, bro.

I think you have
one more phone call to make

to get this thing
straightened out.

It's too late, mom.

Donnie has already bought us

matching bowling shirts.

That was my idea!

I hope you like paisley.

[instrumental music]

Now, the secret to bowling

or talequoits, as it's known
in the civilized universe

is in the wrist action.

And in the ripeness
of the melon.

Ugh! We don't bowl
with cantaloupes.

Then, what do you bowl with?

Heavy plastic balls.

You're kidding.

Well, at least
it's something edible.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, great. Donnie's here.

Now, remember,
according to Shelley

dating is the best therapy
for a failed romance.

That and chocolate.

Hi, you must be
Donnie Duckworth.

- Come on in.
- Thanks.

But I'm Danny Duckworth

I'm Donnie Duckworth's cousin.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

Where's Donnie...Duckworth?

Hm, Danny?

Well, he got so nervous
about this date

that he started
pukin' his guts out.

Oh, that's not good.

Yeah, he had a date
with a cheerleader once

nearly coughed up his spleen.

That's not good either.

Uh, Lynn?

Hi, I'm Mrs. Tanner,
you must be...Donnie Duckworth?

No, no, I'm Danny Duckworth.
See, Donnie couldn't come...

Uh, yeah, it involves
organ displacement, dear.

I'll-I'll fill you in later.

You know, I hope it's okay
with Lynn that I came instead.

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sure she won't mind.

Oh, good.

Danny Duckworth.

Hiya, Lynn.

Donnie's sick,
so I-I just came instead.

I hope that's okay.

Are you kidding?

I mean, I-I guess so.

He gave us these
bowling shirts

but I-I don't
really like bowling.

So I thought maybe
we'd go to a drive-in.

Is that okay too?

That's fantastic!

I mean...that's fine.

The only snag is, uh,
I don't have a car.

What happened to your van?

Oh, that's where Donnie vomited.

That's not good.

♪ Ay oh whey oh ♪

♪ Ay oh whey oh ♪

♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪♪

(Lynn)
'Bye! Thanks for letting us
use the car.'

Hide like an Egyptian.

Well, this is it.

Uh, can I drive?

- I think I'd better drive.
- Oh, okay.

But when we get there,
can we just change places

in case we see anybody we know?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Oh, great, we're going bowling

and I don't even
have a cantaloupe.

[instrumental music]

You know, I'm sorry
about this movie

it was supposed
to be "Moonstruck," you know.

Oh, that's okay.

I've been dying
to see "Death Wish 11."

Do-do you want some popcorn or..

Oh, not right now.

Thanks.

(Danny)
'Nachos? How about some nachos?'

(Lynn)
'No, thanks.'

[clicking]

[gunfire]

[screams]
What, it-it's just
a flesh wound.

Hey, I thought that
you wanted to be a doctor.

I do, but right now
I-I want some popcorn.

Would you mind,
I just, I suddenly got

this uncontrollable urge
for popcorn.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Do you want the $8 size
or-or the 12?

- You decide.
- Okay.

Hi.

What are you doing in this car?

Missing "Designing Women."

And for what?

What if Danny sees you?

Hey, I'm trapped here

so let's just make
the best of it, okay?

You are gonna ruin everything.

What's to ruin?

We're sitting in a parking lot

listening to a movie.

This is a drive-in.

It's just like
a regular movie

except you stay in your car.

Well, at least I can order food.

Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger
and some fries.

That speaker is for the movie.

Oh, hey, can you roll
"Animal House"

for the blue station wagon?

Get down, Danny's gonna
be back any minute.

Well, then you might wanna
take a look at chapter nine.

"Laying the trap."

I don't need your help,
or Shelley's.

Do I have to remind you
what you'd be doing tonight

if it weren't for our help?

What?

Do the words, "Go fish, Brian"

ring a bell?

[instrumental music]

Why is Lucky's water dish
in the microwave?

ALF!

I already looked for ALF.
I can't find him anywhere.

Well, did you check
under our bed?

- Yup.
- In the garage?

- Yup.
- In the car?

- What car?
- Our car.

Our car is gone.

Willie, Lynn took our car
to the drive-in.

Oh, sure, she'll take
ALF to the drive-in

but not me.

[doorbell dings]

Kate, you answer the door.

I'll go to the drive-in
and get ALF.

[gasping]
I can't go to the drive-in

Lynn's got the car!

You know, perhaps
this isn't the best time

to raise this issue
but I still think

we need a second car.

- Hi, Kate.
- Oh, Trevor.

Trevor, could we borrow
your car?

Whatever happened to,
"Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

How was the hunting trip?
Here's your mail?"

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Hi, neighbor, how are ya?

How was your hunting trip?

Well, we left last Saturday.

And the first thing
that happened was

we pulled out of the driveway
and got a flat tire.

Took Raquel
a half hour to fix it.

Then everything was fine

until we get up around Big Pine.

We got onto Highway 190

and about 15 miles down the road

we ran smack into a detour.

Right down a gravel road.

- Your mail.
- Oh, thanks.

Now, can we borrow your car?

Don't you wanna hear
about the gravel road?

Not really.

I mean, I-I.. I'd-I'd love to

Trevor, but I gotta run.

I'm sure Kate would.

(Trevor)
'So anyway, we finally
got back onto 190'

and got to this town Falstaff.

Hm, not even a souvenir shop.

No Stuckey's, no nothin'.

We ended up eating
at this place called Food Here.

Not bad, but they didn't have
any Sweet'N Low.

So, uh, you and L-Larry
broke up, huh?

You mean L-Lloyd?

Oh, ye-yeah.

That's right.

[tires squeal]

[siren wails]

Oh! Did I do that?

I don't think
that you could have.

I must have.
I'm always dropping things.

Well, it's okay.
I'll just clean it all up.

No! I mean, leave it.

My father likes
to clean out the car.

He-he got a Dustbuster
for Father's Day.

Okay.

[choking]

[coughing]

Are you alright?

I'll let you know in a minute.

I'm okay.

[retching]

[coughing]

Actually, I could
use a soft drink.

Oh, well-well, what kind?

[coughs]
Root beer's fine.

Do-do you want
the 7.50 size or the $10?

[coughing]
You decide.

You know I hate root beer.

Why are you ruining
this date for me?

You call this a date?
This isn't a date.

This is an oil painting.

I don't even know
why you bothered to go.

Because some nosy alien

got me a date over the phone.

Nosy? Is that
a snide snout remark?

Just forget it.

I wish this whole thing
never happened.

Well, then,
let's ditch this Danny dude

and hit the road.

- No.
- Why?

Well, because
it would be rude and..

...and because he-he'd
have to walk home.

And because...

Because you like him.

Well, yeah. I like him.

Ever since tenth grade.

But I'm not gonna tell him.

Why not?

Because I made
that mistake with L-Lloyd

and look what happened.

So what?

You think that's the only time

you're gonna get dumped?

Shelley says,
"There's a broken light

for every heart on Broadway."

I am so tired of Shelley
telling me what to do.

Lynn, this doesn't
just come from Shelley.

It comes from the old ALFer.

Hey, you think I haven't
had a few experiences

with the opposite sexes?

Have you ever
had your heart broken?

Many times.

I was engaged
to one woman for 58 years.

What was her name?

Ruby.

So what happened to her?

She took her love to town.

Even though I said don't.

I'm sorry.

The very next day
I met Rhonda at a pet bake.

And I thought, she's beautiful.

Boy, I want her.

But I was afraid
I might get hurt again.

So what'd you do?

Well, I waited 17 years

then I asked her out.

The day after that,
my planet exploded.

Seventeen years, wasted.

I understand, ALF. Thanks.

Oh, get down. Danny's coming.

Yeah, yeah.

I couldn't decide,
so I, I got you both.

Thanks.

Danny..

...there's something
I wanna tell you.

- What? You didn't want ice?
- No, no.

Um..

[sighs]
Ever since tenth grade..

Oh, yeah,
old lady Cassidy's class.

Boy, I had
such a crush on you.

- You had a crush on me?
- Yeah.

Well, how come
you never told me?

Well, I didn't want
you to know that I liked you.

You know, that's the trouble
with Earthlings.

I mean, people.

They never say what they mean.

If this planet
were to explode tomorrow

just think of all the time
we would have wasted.

Huh?

Never mind.

- I'm just happy you like me.
- I like you a lot.

In fact, I paid Donnie
to say that he was sick

so that I could
go out with you.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

[chuckles]
That's so cute.

Wait a minute, you bought me.

Twenty bucks and the use
of my van for the night.

Plus, I had to reimburse them
for the bowling shirts.

But, boy, you're worth it.

(Willie)
'Excuse me.'

Lynn, it's your dad.

- Dad!
- Hi.

Hi, Lynn. Hi, Danny.

Hi there, Mr. Tanner.

What a nice surprise.

Uh, Lynn, uh,
this is gonna sound strange

but, uh..

...your mother couldn't

go to sleep tonight..

...because she didn't have

that old orange blanket.

You know that old, furry blanket

that's always getting lost.

Yeah, you know,
I think it's right back there.

It..

It sure is.

I'm just gonna, uh, grab it.

And then I'm gonna be on my way.

- Okay.
- You guys just go..

Why don't you guys just go back
and watch the movie?

Danny, what's happening now?

Uh, Bronson just snuffed
another guy

because they gave him
his steak well done.

Okay, I got it.

Yes, I do. Ugh.

[grunting]
I sure have got it.

(Willie)
'Now, I'll be on my way.'

Night, dad.

(ALF)
'Willie, can we stop

at the concession stand?'

No, we can't.

'The prices are
very reasonable.'

[eerie music on TV]

No, no! Don't open that door!

Oh, no!
She opened the door!

Yike-Er-Oni.

What are you guys
doing out here?

This is our drive-in theater.

Yeah, and you two snuck in.

I'm calling the manager.

What are you watching anyway?

Oh, "The Return of the Son
of the Creature

from the Big Black Bog."

Starring Ronnie Schell.

Would you mind if we join you?

Okay, but don't hog the popcorn.

And don't fog up
the windows back there.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]