ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 5 - Tonight, Tonight: Part 2 - full transcript

ALF fills in for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962), alienating regulars and guests alike. Tommy Newsom and Ed McMahon appear as themselves.

ALF hosting
"The Tonight Show?"

What a great idea!

Everybody thought so.

Except Johnny.

So, Johnny, have you been
watching the show?

Yeah? What do you think?

Alright, alright,
I'm sorry I broke your cup.

Um, look, Johnny, uh,
I'd love to keep talking

but you know what it's like
here in the big chair.

Yeah, gotta keep
things moving.

Hey, after I'm done,
why don't I come over

and we'll hit
the hot tub together.

Hello? Hello?

[theme music]

[music continues]

Boy, you are in
big trouble, mister.

Oh, hey, this isn't trouble.

I'll show you trouble.

Bobby, roll the clip
marked "Trouble."

- Here, hold this, Willie.
- What is it?

Oh, that's just
nuclear waste

from my spaceship.


Oh, hey, don't worry.

Life on this planet will exist

as long as that little lid
doesn't pop off.

Ah. Oh, wait.
These are my crayons.

Just tell us
why you did it.

- It was Willie's idea.
- What?

Don't try to worm
your way out of this one.

You said we'd build a lagoon.

I said we'd build
a little lagoon

not the Great Tanner Reef!

Okay. Okay, I misunderstood.

I'm sorry.
I made a boo-boo.

A boo-boo?

Say, what are you...doing here?

Greeting the guests.

Hey, Tex, looks like
you're putting on

a little weight there, huh?

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Could I speak with you
in the kitchen

just for a moment?

Hey, not now, Willie.

Your pumpkin's on fire!

Ha! His pumpkin's on fire!

Come here.

Well, who is
this little guy?

Ah, this is Gordon, everyone.

Uh, Gordon's an old friend
of our family.

Bernice, uh, don't mention
his height.

He's very sensitive.

Hey, cowgirl,
nice calves! Ha!

Nice calves! Ha! Ha!

- Yah!
- Unh!

Good morning, America,
how are you?

♪ Don't you know me ♪

♪ I'm your native son ♪♪

What's the next line?

Just be quiet.


I'm surprised that song
was such a big hit.

♪ Just be quiet ♪

♪ Just be quiet
just be quiet ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪♪

A picture's worth
a thousand words.

That picture
was worth a $1000.

Well, maybe the frame
makes it look cheap.

I am tired
of your breaking things.

If this happens
one more time

you will be living
in the garage.

From now on, I'll treat this
house as it if were my own.

Treat it as if
it were my house

and don't break anything.

Cheap frame.

Well, I guess
it can be repaired.

'Heads up!'

Red alert! Red alert!

Alien coming through.

What was ALF running for?

'Uh, occupied.'

Oh, I'm sorry.

ALF knows that's not
a bathroom, doesn't he?

I hope so.

[instrumental music]

[vase shatters]

[glass shatters]


[engine revving]



Well, I guess
we'll have to order in.

Hey, that was great!

- Let's show it again.
- Let's not.

Well, I've got a better idea.

You think you can hold down
the fort for a minute?

And don't sit in my chair.

I guess
I could fill time

with one of
my live commercials.

Ed, Ed.

This shameless self-promotion
does not become you.

I know. I'll show a clip.

While I leave the room,
you folks watch

these scenes of me
leaving the room.

[doorbell rings]

ALF, hide
in the kitchen.

You know, if you weren't
always sending me

to the kitchen,
I might not eat so much.

ALF, please, please.

No wonder Willie's pants
don't fit me anymore.

[doorbell dings]

ALF, hide in the kitchen.

Yeah. Just call me
Pavlov's alien.

[doorbell dings]

ALF, go into the kitchen.

Go into the kitchen.
Go into the kitchen.

As a woman,
you should be sensitive

to the demeaning undertones
in that remark.


You're betraying your sisters.

[doorbell dings]

(male #1)
'Hey, Tanners. It's us.'

ALF, kitchen.

No problem.
I'll call a cab.

You will walk.

One day, I'll walk
into that kitchen

and keep right on walking.


[doorbell dings]

(in unison)
ALF, hide in the kitchen.

Oh! Uh, we're back, apparently.

What happened
to the pushy furball?

Who cares?
At least he's gone.

'Yo, point those cameras
over here.'

- Ohh.
- Oh, no, not that.

[instrumental music]

Hey, feature-film freaks,
ALF Fern here.

We'll get right back
to our film.

Burns and Allen,
Burns and Schreiber

Olsen and Johnson,
Johnson and Johnson

and Damp the Musk Ox in "Rin Tin
Tin Makes a Mess, Mess, Mess!"


Are you getting too fat
for things

you used to fit in.. your house?

When you get on the scale,
does it say

"Get off the elephant first?"

Does your sunken chest appear
on pirate treasure maps?

Then come to our health club

'"Pecs 'R' Us."'

At Pecs 'R' Us,
we'll tone up your muscles

while we slim down your wallet.

At Pecs 'R' Us,
you'll build your biceps

banging on our door
for a refund.

Yes, friends, we've got
barbells and dumbbells.

And speaking of dumbbells

here's our own
matinee lady.

I go to Pecs 'R' Us
and work up a sweat.

Hmm, you work up a sweat

reading the instructions
on a stop sign.

Friends, you say
you want to pump iron?

Well, come to Pecs 'R' Us.

You can start
by pressing my shorts.

We also sell vitamins,
so you can choose

between A, B, C, D, and E.

I prefer E.

No, you can't even spell E.

Friends, if you want
to join Pecs 'R' Us

come on down to our main office.

How do you get there? Hmm!

You take the Golden State
Freeway to the Ventura Freeway

to the San Diego Freeway till
you come to the Slauson cut-off.

Get out of your car,
cut off your Slauson

get back in your car..

...then drive nine more miles
to the neon sign

that says
"Steroids on tap."

That's our main office.

Uh, take that out of my check.

(male #2)
'Consider it done.'

Well, uh, and now,
back to our movie.

Gene Barry, Barry Nelson,
Nelson Eddy, Eddie Albert

and Gotcha the Wonder Goose

in "Minnie Tells Mickey
That Roger Rabbit Died."

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So, how'd you like the bit?

I hope it's as funny
when Johnny does it on Friday.

How could it be?
He doesn't have my delivery.

And he doesn't have
the pointer anymore.

I know, let's talk about
that planet you came from.

What's it called, Tarmac?


And by fortunate coincidence

it's the subject of my next
fascinating set of clips.

Mind if I show them, Oedipus?


Sounds like
a nice...change of pace.

I say we fight violence
with violence.

That's how we solve things
back home.

But, ALF, don't you remember

what happened to your planet?

Well, it blew up in
a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Don't you see the connection?

What connection?

- I give up.
- Me too.

I'm gonna lie down.
My head is spinning.

What are you guys doing?

Trading bouillabaseball cards.

What's bouillabaseball?

It's baseball on Melmac.

Instead of a ball,
they throw fish guts.

Fish parts.

The guts are sold
at the concession stand.

Oh, football.
Can I watch too?

Oh, ALF, last time
we watched football together

you belched
all through the whole game.

Hey, that's how we applaud
on Melmac.

Hey, good catch.


Jake may have some problems

but he's not going
to be sent to prison.

Tell that to my cousin.

Pretty boy Shumway.

He grew up on the south
side of Melmac.

The baddest part of the planet.

If he didn't like your shoes..

[imitates gunfire]

Do you mean he'd shoot a person

just because he didn't like
his shoes?

No, he'd just point
at them and go..

[imitates gunfire]

Where's Lizard taking you?

Out to a science fiction movie.

Something about this guy
being shrunk

and then injected
into someone else.

Well, that's not
science fiction.

A friend of mine did that once.

He took a wrong turn

and got stuck in the guy's nose.

I'd rather get beat up
than be called a snitch.

Yeah, that's the worst.

On Melmac, some guy
called me a snitch

just because I turned him in
to the secret police.

What're you doing
in this barrel?

Oh, there I was getting ready
to go up Widow-maker Falls.

You went up a waterfall?

Yeah, and the ride was so rough,
I almost threw down.


- Oh, no!
- Well..


You're the first humans

who've ever heard the dreaded
Melmackian hiccups.

Uh, what is it that
makes them so dreaded

besides that irritating
metallic echo?

That irritating metallic echo

gets louder and louder

day by day

week by week,
year by..



There are many things
in this universe

you're not meant to understand.

Now, that doesn't mean
they're not real.

I'm real and whether
other people believe you or not

you know I'm real.

Thank you.

Let me ask you something.

Why are you wearing
all those utensils?

Ah. Well, that's one
of the things

you're not supposed
to understand.

Uh, here's another one.

You should set
a couple of pumpkin pies

out on your back porch
once a week

and never question
why they disappear.

Uh, twice a week.

So, what do you think?

I think Johnny

will never speak to me again.

Hey, hey, relax.

If Johnny's gonna be mad
at anybody, it'll be Fred.

Booking all those
unprepared guests.

Speaking of guests,
His Holiness John Paul is back.

Great. Let's bring him out..

[instrumental music]

...just as soon
as I show these clips.

Roll 'em!

[choral music]

[bell rings]

I hear you're looking
for a few good monks.

Oh, howdy, Raquel.



[ALF screaming]

[instrumental music on TV]

Care for a cookie?

Alright, after your nap.

Oh, ALF. What are you doing?
We were just sitting..

There'll be no talking
during tonight's performance.

And now, our opening joke.

Say hello, dummy.

Hello, dummy.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, brother.


The crowd looks tough.

So does the roast beef.



ALF, are you alright?

Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.


Why do you
have those clothespins

attached to your head?

It's a form of acupressure.

On Melmac, we use it
to relieve writer's block.

Let's see.

Which was the button
for a cheeseburger?



Hey, you, come here.


How did you get out
of your cage?

I work here.

Uh, look.

I'll give you five bucks

if you let me out of this cage.

Ten if you clean it
while I'm out.

Hey, you guys want
some beans?

I do! I do!

A loose kangaroo!


[whistle blows]


You certainly are.

Whoa, ho ho ho!

The natives are restless!

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
it's Rich Little!

Hi, Ed.

What the heck
are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to guest host
"The Tonight Show."

What a coincidence. So am I.

Not for long.
I just got a call from Johnny.

Um, uh, what did my close,
personal friend Johnny say?

He said, and I quote..

[imitating Johnny Carson]
"Uh! Ha ha ha!

Get over there and 86
that troublemaking buffoon."

Yeah? Well, if Ed goes, I go.

No, no, no, no.
He meant you, ALF.

Listen, you've got a major

religious leader backstage

you've turned this whole thing

into a commercial
for your show..

Well, hey, you know

if big John wants me
to step aside

and let you show your clips,
so be it.

I didn't bring any clips.

In that case..

Hey, Bobby,
roll my final clip.

The one I like to call

"ALF And Remembrance."

Are you here
because of a painful secret

from your past like I am?

Or you are just one of those
guys who likes wearing a dress?

We are a silent order.

We don't speak.

Ixnay on the eaking-spay!

Got it.

Hmm! Mnh! Mmm!

Joke time, alright?

This one will knock you
on your cassocks!

What happened when the heater
went off in the convent?

They had a bunch of blue nuns.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Blue nuns. Get it? Ah!

Tough room.

I was gonna faint,
but I think I made my point.

Too bad we didn't buy it.

You didn't?


ALF, you fainted on a snail.

Whoa. Whoa.

Now, the trick here

is to concentrate
all your energy

and let it explode in a blinding
flash of destruction.




Well, that never
worked before.

Do it again.



I guess there's only pain

when you don't break the board.

Unbelievable pain.

Let me tuck you in.


There you go.

Thanks, ALF.

You're a good friend.

Hey, anything for my Willie.

You want me to press my lips
up against your forehead?



That piece doesn't fit there.

Yes, it does.


Excuse me, Kate,
I'm off to South Dakota.

I've got a rendezvous
with history.

[instrumental music]

ALF, why don't you try
holding your breath again?

That should work.


[inhales deeply]



Body block!

Ha! Ha!

We'll be right back
after this commercial.

I hope it's a promo
for my show.

[instrumental music]

Well, let's put it to a vote.

Was this the best
"Tonight Show" ever?

[audience applauds]

I abstain.

And I demand a recount.

And I'd like
to thank my guests

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Joan Embery of the San Diego Zoo

and His Holiness Pope..

Oh, oh, ooh, I never
brought out the Pope!

You've got 30 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen,
His Holiness Pope John Paul II.

[instrumental music]


I'd like to thank my guests

Joyce, Joan

and, of course, Pope.

Uh, Johnny, sorry about your cup
and your dressing room

uh, and the limo.
Uh. Did I say limo?

Ha! That wasn't me,
just the first two.

Goodnight, everybody!

How'd he get those whites
so white?

[theme music]

[music continues]