ALF (1986–1990): Season 3, Episode 21 - Funeral for a Friend - full transcript

ALF wants a pet, so Willie decides to buy him an ant farm. ALF doesn't appreciate his new pets at first, but it will change.

What's this one called?

A platypus.

It's ugly.

Bri, I'm looking for a pet

not a date to the prom.

What are you guys looking at?

It's a book
about animals of the world.

ALF's trying to decide which one
he wants to get for a pet.

We already have a cat.

But you told me
to never play with my food.

Why do you want a pet?

Why does anyone want a pet?

The ultimate in power trips.

Bugs him
that I'm taller than he is now.

Well, power trips aside

there's no room in this house

for another pet
just at the moment.

Precisely why
I'm leaning towards a pet

we could keep outside.

i.e. your basic barnyard horse.

Here's the '89 Mustang.

We won't be getting a horse

or any other
barnyard-type animal

for that matter.

Thank you.

Let's wait until after dinner
to broach the buffalo.

Yeah. Yeah. Yee-haw.

Uh, ooh. Oh.

Whoa, whoa, boy. Whoa! Whoa! Oh.

I'mma not gonna fight

unless you take off
that funny hat

with the buckle on it, pilgrim.

Oh, not again.

Get me a horse,
or you're dead where you stand.

If you could, uh, dismount
for a moment

there's something
I'd like to show you.

Alright. This saddle's
giving me splinters anyway.

Whoa, boy, whoa!

I decided it might be good
for you to have a pet after all.

Oh, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

I'll feed him oats every day.

I'll even name him after you.
White Beauty.

It's not a horse,
but it's something

I think you'll like
just as much.

You got me a pet beach?

Look closer.

Bugs under glass.

It's an ant farm.

You're right, Willie. This is
just like having a horse.

You actually paid money
for this?

I paid 7.99, plus tax.

You were robbed!

An old soda bottle left outdoors

gives you the same effect.

You're missing the point, ALF.

Ants are fascinating.

And with this, you get a chance
to watch them work

and play
in a natural environment.

Willie, you call green windmills

and plastic trees
a natural environment?

Ants don't care about that.

All they want
is a place to tunnel

and dirt
they can call their own.

So where do I fit in?

Well, they're your pets.

You get to feed
and care for them.

And in return, they-they let you
in to their private lives.

They live in a picture window!

What kind of private lives
can they have?

Would you rather I return them?

Could they be exchanged
for something with fewer legs

and a saddle?


Here, boy.

There you go. Go fetch.

Alright now, bring it back!
Come on!

Hey, I'm over here!

- Hey, ALF.
- Hey, ALF.

Well, if it isn't
the Tanner kids.

What brings you two
to this neck of the attic?

We just wanted to ask
how your ant farm was going.

- So ask.
- How's it going?

Don't ask.

They're not bonding
like I had hoped.

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

I can't get these guys
to do anything.

All they care about
is building tunnels.

But that's what ants do, ALF.

How am I supposed to teach them
to sit and beg and speak?

You're not.
Ants aren't like other pets.

I guess you're right.

It's just that ant-farming
has a tendency to be uneventful.

Sort of like working security
at a Pat Boone concert.

But see, that's the way
mom and dad work.

They start you off small,
and then when you've proven

that you can handle
the responsibility

they'll let you have
something bigger.

So if I take care of these ants,
I could have, what, big ants?

My first pet was a turtle.

Oh, that must've been exciting.

Like watching a rock walk.

Have you read
this question-and-answer section

of your ant-watchers manual?

No. I was saving that
for bathroom reading.


"Do ants work all of the time?"

"No, they work very hard

but they like to play, too."

I think she's right, ALF.
Look at those two.

It looks like they're wrestling.

Get out of town!

Oh, hey! Look at that!

He's got him in a facelock!
He's going to..

Ooh! Ooh,
right against the canvass!

Hey, ALF, look!
Now it's a tag-team match.

Oh! Oh, he's got him
in a 12-Nelson.

That can't be legal.

Yo, Kate,
I've got an etiquette question.

Do you throw white
or brown rice at a wedding?

I'd have to say white.

Don't you think, Willie?

Definitely brown.
That'd be gauche.

Thank you.

'Mazel tov! Mazel tov!'

'Throw the bouquet!'

Hey! Hey, ALF!

'In a second, Willie.'

'I'm taking pictures
for the wedding album.'

Wedding album?

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, would you look
at this mess?

Friends of the bride

or friends of the groom?

- What bride? What groom?
- Mattie and David.

The two crazy kids
who just tied the knot.

Hey, come on, you love bugs,
give us a smile.

Willie, look,
something is going on inside.

I think they're dancing.

Well, they're moving.

Well, the couple on the left,
Peg and Bob Becken

they came all the way in
from tunnel nine for this.

Hey, hey, Willie, would you mind
snapping a picture of me

and the wedding party?

I guess not.

Alright, everybody.

Say "Picnic."

Did I blink?

I don't think so, no.

You seem to have changed
your mind about ants, ALF.

I couldn't help it, Kate.

They've made me
a part of their lives.

We've broken bread together.

Well, actually, I broke it.

They just carried it around
on their heads.

Be honest now, ALF.

Aren't you glad
I got you that ant farm

instead of some silly old horse?

Let's be realistic, Willie.
A horse is a horse.

- Of course.
- Of course.

Well, if you'll excuse me

I've got to pick up
some rotting fruit.

I'm catering this affair.

♪ But he's got high hopes ♪

♪ He's got high hopes ♪

♪ He's got high.. ♪♪

- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Lynn. Is ALF around?

No. I'm waiting for him
so I can show him this calendar.

"Alan Thicke's World Of Ants."

Each month highlights a new ant.

This month
it's the fungus feeders

of South America.

Isn't it amazing how ugly things
get when they're magnified?

Did-did you bring ALF
something, too?

Oh, yeah, I just got
a few little things

to dress up the farm.

There's some plastic cows
and sheep.

I think there's even a tractor
in there somewhere.

He's gonna love these.

- Can I set them up?
- Yeah, sure.

Look at all this stuff!

There's sand refills,
there's liquid feeder.

There's even
a plastic ant model kit.

Uh, careful with that, dad
I think the glue's still wet.


Yeah, it is.

Dad, I think there's something
wrong with ALF's ants.

They're not moving.

Well, they're probably scared

because you moved them.

Put 'em back, they'll be okay.

I don't think so.

I neglected to mention they're
also curled up on their backs.

Are they..

- They are.
- Tsk.

I guess it was the sun
that did it.

They've probably been
baking there all morning.

♪ Whoops there goes
a billion kilowatts ♪

♪ Whoops there goes
a billion kilowatts ♪

♪ Whoops there.. ♪♪

Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.

- Hi, ALF.
- Hi, ALF.

I brought you a present, ALF.

Hey! An ant calendar.
Thanks, Lynnie.

The boys love reading
about their distant cousins.

ALF, I think there's something
you should know about your ants.

I know, I know. Ants can't read.

It's just a little
anthropomorphic game

I like to play with them.

Actually, I was referring
to something else.


Well, you remember you told me

what happens to orbit gnats

when they fly too close
to your ship's heat shield?

Yeah. Crispy critters.

Well, the same thing
can happen to an ant

when it's left in the sun
too long.

They look dead.

They are dead.

You sure
they're not sun-tanning?

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.

Aah! Ah!

My poor little goombahs.

An hour ago
they were working the farm!

And now they've bought it.

You mind if I come in?


I brought you a sandwich.

But I'm not really hungry.

Okay. Maybe later.

You wanna talk?
I'm trained in this area.

What's there to say?
My friends are gone.

I turned their home
into an Easy Bake Oven.

Case closed.

It was an accident, ALF.

You didn't do it intentionally.

Well, I keep thinking that
none of this would've happened

if I hadn't shampooed, rinsed

and repeated so many times.

People always need a reason
when they've had a loss.

it's a very natural reaction.

- Yeah? What about anger?
- It's very common.

Well, good, 'cause I'm peeved
at you for getting me

that ant farm
in the first place!

Well, that's good, ALF. Let it
out, let it, let it all out.

I'm also mad at you
for not getting me that horse!

Horses are more resilient when
it comes to direct sunlight.

Yeah. Keep going on.

Uh, are you angry
at anyone else?

Yeah, yeah,
now that you mentioned it

CBS, for pulling the plug
on "Frank's Place."

Feeling better?

Actually, no.

If you want

I could get you
another ant farm.

Right, and if Kate kicks,
I'll get you another redhead.

I know it's hard for you
to believe right now

but tomorrow
you're gonna feel better

and then the next day
you'll feel even better

until one day, you'll actually..

...feel better.

Are you sure this is the area
you're trained in?


Cut it out.


Tickling me.

No, I'm not touching you.

There are ants on me.

There, there are ants
in my pajamas.

There are ants everywhere.

Yes, yes.
I-I can see that, dear.

I'll just get the bug spray.

I'll help you.

'Why are there so many ants
in the house all of a sudden?'

these strategically-placed

dishes of food
might give us a clue.

Ah, just once I would like
to walk into this kitchen

and not find something
all over the floor.

Just go into the other room,
Kate. I'll-I'll spray in here.

Why don't we just burn
the place down and start over?

That'd be plan B. Plan A is
where's the bug spray?

I threw it away.

Why did you do this?

Do what?
Throw away the bug spray?

Or set up
the teeny-weeny truck stops?

Eventually, you're going
to have to explain both

so start where you like
and stop when I tell you.

I'm dedicating my life

to the care and preservation
of the ant species.

ALF, if you leave food
all over the house

we are going to have ants

It's the least
I can do for them

after I wiped out
their kinfolk and everything.

ALF, inviting the remainder

of the Earth's ant population
into our house

isn't gonna bring back
your ant farm.

But I'll feel better.

ALF, you've got
to get over this.

I failed to protect
my pet ants, Willie.

I'm not gonna fail
with the general ant public.

Trust me, ALF.

Your ants stand
a much better chance of survival

outside of my kitchen.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Nothing doing.
This time he's mine.

No, wait, wa.. Kate.

ALF might not feel as bad
about losing his ants

if he just had a chance
to say goodbye to them formally

like, you know, uh,
like a memorial service.

A funeral for ants?

What a lovely idea.

- But I don't think it'll help.
- Well, sure it will, ALF.

Rituals are a very effective way
of dealing with grief.

I'm just not up to it.

You'll have a funeral,
we'll all come

it'll be very touching!

And it'll be over, right?


Then we'll have a picnic.

Is this the wreath
you were talking about?

Yes. Thank you.

Where shall I put it?

Anywhere near the tombstones
will be fine.

Very thoughtful.

I thought so.

Kate! Isn't that dress
a little loud for the occasion?

Well, forgive me. I have
no maternity funeral wear.

- Shall we begin?
- We shall.

Please, my friends, sit, relax

make yourselves comfortable.

Can I take off my armband?


Before I start, I would like
to thank Kate Tanner

for the lovely picnic basket
and fixings.

And also Brian Tanner

for helping me eat
all those ice-cream bars

that provided
those lovely headstones.

We gather here today
to pay homage

to a colony of mirth-makers

known affectionately
as my ants.

In five short days

these wiry sexpeds

tunneled a pathway
into our hearts.

Now they rest beside me

symmetrically placed

victims of an unkind midday sun.

At this time
it would be appropriate

to say a few kind words
in their memory.

Willie, would you start us off?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

I didn't know the ants
as well as ALF.

I don't think anybody did.

But, to me

they embodied the word

Their house was your house.

I shall miss them.

Well, uh..

Of all the ants I've ever known

they were the most contained.

I'll miss them, too.

They were very industrious.

So long, guys.


I liked Spunky.

The long one with the big head.

He could really dig.

But, of course,
he was just one of many.

There were Sybil
and Jerry, who worked graveyard

so they could spend their days
with the larvae.

Chad, Tyler

Zach, Logan and Jenna and also...

- ALF.
- Yes, Kate?

- Something to add?
- Uh..

I was just wondering
if your eulogy

was gonna be much longer.

There's a stream of ants

swarming all over the food.

They're mourners, Kate.

No. They're after the chicken.

Okay. I'll cut to the chase.

"Goodbye, Abner, Allen, Alicia

"Amy, Aunt Bee, Auntie Emma

Esther, Est, Eunice.."

I see you found
the picnic leftovers.

It's amazing!

I almost got my appetite back.

You ate all that chicken?

Yeah. I didn't even want
the last two pieces.

It was just the momentum.

Well, you seem to be back
to your old self.

I guess. But I still have
this dull ache inside.

You've been through
a great deal of pain

in the last 24 hours, ALF.

It's just your body
responding to that.

Nah. I think
it's Kate's potato salad.

I've had problems with it

- What's that, ALF?
- It's a letter!

From "The Morton Downey Show."

"Dear Mr. Shumway

"thank you
for your recent suggestion

that we devote a segment
to the civil rights of ants."

Yes! Yes!


"we find the topic unsuitable

for our current needs."

No. No.

Wait. There's more.

Uh, "We are, however,
very interested

"in having you appear
on an upcoming segment entitled

'Obsessive Compulsives With
Too Much Time On Their Hands.'"

And Willie said I was crazy
to send that letter.